Perfect Strangers (1986) s01e01 Episode Script

Must be child-proof.
I hope whoever it is brought a chain saw.
Am I looking up "Larry Appleton"? Larry Appleton.
That's me.
Larry, Larry, Larry.
I look everywhere for you.
I walk the streets.
I search the alleys.
I say to everyone, "Have you seen Larry?" You don't know how many people have never heard of you.
But now I find you.
And I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe.
- Yes, yes.
Now you're safe.
Who are you? I'm Balki Bartokomous.
Philo, my fifth cousin three times removed is a step-uncle to your father on my mother's side two continents removed.
I see.
So we're sort of related by rumor.
America.
Land of my dreams.
Home of the Whopper.
So cousin Philo says to me, he says: "Balki, when you move to America you have to go to Madison, Wisconsin to look up George Appleton.
" That's your father.
- Yeah, that's the story I heard too.
So I said goodbye to Mypos, my little Mediterranean island country and I got on the tramp steamer.
Tramp, tramp, tramp.
And then I got on the bus.
Bus, bus, bus.
And I found your father to move in.
But he said, "No, you have to go to the big city of Chicago to find my son.
" That's you.
So I got on the bus.
Bus, bus, bus.
And here I am.
Well, wait a minute, you came here to move in with me? Of course I did.
What do you think, I'm going to move in with some stranger? Well, Balki, uh, look.
There is a problem.
See, I just moved here myself.
This is the first time I've lived alone.
I actually have my own bachelor pad.
You want a beer? No, thank you.
What are you saying? Well, I'm saying You see, I've lived my whole life with eight brothers and sisters.
And it's time See, I want to live alone.
I didn't even know you were coming.
Your father didn't call you? - Well, I'm sure he tried and I just wasn't home.
Oh.
Well I feel like a fool to come here and bother you.
Goodbye, American cousin.
Nice to meet you.
Don't worry about me.
I know where I'm going.
Where are you going? - I don't know.
But this is America.
Open all night.
Look, I can't just turn you out into the cold.
You can stay until l - Oh, thank you, thank you.
No, no, no.
That many thank-yous would be appropriate if you were staying a long time.
A day or two worth of thank-yous is plenty.
Thank you.
Look, you can stay a couple of days, until you get a job.
So sit down and help yourself to the goodies.
Over there.
What this? - That's pink lemonade.
You have pink lemons? Only in America.
Potato crumbs.
My favorite.
Color TV.
Yeah, haven't you ever seen color TV before? Of course I have.
Don't be ridiculous.
Blue.
On second thought, I've seen all these colors.
Green and red are gonna be on later.
You might wanna stay up and watch.
I think I'll just hit the sack.
- I think I'll just hit the sack.
I don't have a sack.
Well, you can sleep on the couch.
It turns into a bed.
Of course it does.
This is America.
And don't worry about me.
Tomorrow I get a job very fast.
I'm a professional.
You shouldn't have a problem.
What professión? I'm a professional sheepherder.
This is crazy.
A big city like Chicago there is not one single advertisement in here for a sheepherder.
That's the way it goes.
Last week there were pages of them.
What else do you do? I am a sheepherder.
My father was a sheepherder.
My grandfather was a sheepherder.
The little baby - I get the picture.
But, you know in America, you don't always get what you want right away.
For example, I wanna be a photojournalist.
But then, I've taken this job to pay the bills.
You'll have to take a job until an untended flock pops up.
Hello.
The Ritz.
What? Yeah, Susan, calm down.
Yeah.
Well, it's only a mouse.
They're cute.
Think of Mickey.
Mickey wouldn't try to run up your leg.
Yeah, okay, okay, okay.
I'll be right up.
I have to run upstairs and protect Susan's legs from rodents.
Balki, I want you to do me a big favor.
- You want me to watch the store? I want you to watch the store.
Don't move.
Just stand there.
Can you do that? You're not exactly pushing me to my outer limits.
Stand there.
Ah! That's the idea.
Uh Excuse me.
I'm interested in this chair.
Well, how much is it? What the price tag says? Well, you don't go by what the price tag says, do you? Of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.
What do you go by? We'II, uh, negotiate.
You are the head man here, aren't you? Of course I am.
Come over here to me.
I'm not allowed to move.
Cousin Larry, don't you notice anything different? No.
- Look.
Look.
Look.
I sold that chair, and that fan, and that brass coat rack.
You did? - All without moving.
Well, that's great.
Needless to say, Cousin Larry I think I've been wasting my time poking animals up the hill with a stick.
And here's the money.
Forty-five dollars.
That was a couple hundred dollars' worth of stuff.
Where's the rest? - That's it.
Well, there were price tags on that stuff.
- You don't go by what's on the price tag.
You don't? Of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.
I bartered, like we do at the marketplace on Mypos.
Don't you realize what you've done to me? Yes, and you're welcome.
You know, I think I should look for a job as a salesperson.
Well, stick around.
When Twinkacetti fires me, you can apply for my job.
Cousin Larry? Cousin Larry? Cousin Larry? I'm so sorry.
Bo, bo, bo, bo.
Maybe Mr.
Twinkacetti won't notice these things are missing.
But you sold his hat rack.
Every day, the first thing he does when he comes in is put his hat on that rack.
Same damn thing every day.
Sunlight.
It gets old.
Buy something or get out.
Where's the yo-yo? Hi, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
Rotten day, isn't it? Why are you standing there holding my hat on a stick? Well, uh, technically, it's a cane.
Well, uh, technically, you're a jerk.
Where's my hat rack? Mr.
Twinkacetti.
I sold it.
Who are you? My name is Balki.
I'm Larry's cousin.
Philo, my fifth Who cares? Why is he selling stuff? Well, you wanna hear a funny story? - No.
Where's my money? Forty-five.
Forty-five bucks? That hat rack was solid brass.
Where's the other 30? - That was my mistake.
But to make it up, I won't charge you for the hour I worked.
What a swell guy.
I want the rest of my money.
Mr.
Twinkacetti, he doesn't have it.
But I could pay you back if you give me a job.
I can fix things.
Who cares? - You can fix things? Why not? I'm young.
Actually, you know, if you fixed up some of the used things you take in you could sell it for more money.
It's a good idea.
If I wanna hear a good idea, I'll go to a smarter source than you like a wedge of cheese.
I can fix anything.
Once my grandmother broke her little finger into Silly Putty.
It just hung there all limp and dangly.
And if I came up and did that, it would flip around like the tassels on a belly dancer.
And she would say to me, "Balki, don't do that.
" And I said, "You give me that.
" This what we do.
We take some nice mud, and we make a cast, and dry in the hot sun.
And six months later, I took off the cast, and what do you think? The finger is no more limp and dangly.
It won't bend at all.
Just sticks out like a nail in a board.
I like that story.
Now, get out of here.
Mr.
Twinkacetti, give him a chance.
How else can he pay you back? All right, all right, I'll give him, like, a little test.
Out of the way.
Let's see.
Aha.
Fix this old radio, and he's got a job.
That's not fair.
That radio probably hasn't worked for 40 years.
Take it or leave it.
- He'll take it.
Can you fix it? Of course I can.
It's probably just the picture tube.
There you go, 15 points.
"Mypos"? I challenge that.
Mypos is a real country.
I have a little corner of it growing on my dining-room table.
Cousin, I need to take a break.
I never knew fixing a radio could be so quiet.
Susan, this is the cousin I was telling you about.
Balki, meet Susan.
She's our neighbor.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
Would it be impolite to ask if I could be your slave for life? Well, uh, I think that's illegal.
Oh, he's cute.
This cute Mediterranean boy means every groveling word.
Take me and do with me as you will.
You're embarrassing Susan.
Stand up.
Act like a man.
Go work on the radio.
Can I take her with me? - No.
Then I take you in my thoughts.
I want to worship your painted toenails.
Look.
Just leave with whatever little dignity you have left.
Come on.
Go.
- Nice to meet you too.
I can die happy now.
- Right.
He grovels great.
Sorry.
Now I understand why he doesn't have a crease in his pants.
Oh, he's sweet.
You know, I hope he gets the job.
Susan, they haven't even made parts for that radio in 40 years.
Then he doesn't have a chance? - Well, I didn't say that.
See, Balki doesn't know it but I'm gonna slip this little baby in that big old radio and at the proper moment, click, dance fever.
Twinkacetti will never know the difference.
That's sneaky.
- I know.
I'm very proud.
Good morning, cheers, and top of the day.
Well, you're in a good mood.
And why not? Last night all my horse accounts paid off.
And today, I get to laugh in a man's face.
Sounds like a good day to me.
Go for it, sport.
Balki.
Balki.
Good morning, America.
Hey, grape leaf, turn on the radio.
I fell asleep before I got to test it.
But it'll work.
Balki fixed it.
You know it'll work, and I know it'll work.
But you don't.
And that's why this is gonna be so much fun.
You'll be embarrassed when that radio works.
Cousin Larry, what this? Feeble.
Boy, that was feeble.
And you didn't think I'd catch on? Turn it on.
All right.
Make yourselves ready.
You did it.
You did it.
- I did it.
You actually did it.
You did it.
Look at this place.
It looks like Ella Fitzgerald gave a concert.
I don't believe it.
That radio never sounded that good brand-new.
What a great sound.
How much you want for it? Three hundred.
- Four hundred.
Five hundred bucks.
- You got it.
Here's a $50 deposit.
And I'll go get my truck.
- Yeah.
Can you fix any radio? Does Telly Savalas love you, baby? My friend, my pal, these fingers.
You not only have a job here I'll even pay you minimum wage.
Shh! Boys, put this little goldmine out for our customer to pick up.
On second thought, pinhead, do it yourself.
We wouldn't want magic fingers here to accidentally hurt his hands.
Oh, Cousin Larry.
I help you anyway.
- Thank you.
Of course.
I tell you where to put everything.
This goes right there.
And then we have this amplifier to go on top.
And then, when you move these two big speakers please be careful because they're expensive.
You You, uh You hooked all that stuff up to that radio? Of course.
How else you go to make it work? It was broke.
Mr.
Twinkacetti, something just occurred to me.
I just sold a thousand bucks' worth of equipment for 500? Damn.
It occurred to you too.
You! You brought him here.
This is all your fault.
You got your walking papers, buster.
Well, I hope you're happy.
Thank you.
I hope you're happy too.
Happy? Getting fired does not make me happy.
Fired? He just gave you official papers to take a nice walk.
That's American for "fired.
" It's a colorful language, isn't it? What? He can not do to you what is my fault.
Mr.
Twinkacetti.
Ah! - Balki, Balki You come out here right now, you unfair person.
And I mean maybe.
Eh.
You have something to say before I pull your tongue out through your nose? You can't fire Larry.
He's a good person.
And if he goes, I go.
That goes without saying.
Now, I wanna see heels going that way.
Not until I get a few things off my neck.
You don't know what kind of good fellow you're dumping to the birds.
He was always loyal to you.
He make everything perfect for you, and you won't find anyone to do better.
His only mistake was to be good friend to me.
But the customer likes him, and that's why they come back.
And if you let this good person walk out that door you're making one big mistake, ghost buster.
Thanks, but you're wasting your time, Balki.
Come on.
TWINKACETTl: Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, I was just thinking about what the turnip said here and I'd be stupid to let either one of you guys walk out that door.
You're both hired again.
We are? Why? Don't be ridiculous.
It's because he sees we're both good persons.
Yes.
No.
It's because I see you're both out-of-work persons.
And if you're not working, I can't take $ 10 a week out of your salary to pay for the stereo stuff and the hat rack.
And all of this mess.
Gentlemen and turnip welcome to the wonderful worid of being in debt.
Am I in debt? - Yep.
I'm a true American.
Well, Balki, you got us our jobs back.
Well, where I come from, family sticks together.
Isn't this just like America? Another happy ending.
Yeah.
- We're buddies.
Yeah.
- We're working together.
Yeah.
- We're roommates.
We have to talk.
Now, you see, you couldn't have this talk if you lived alone.
You need me.
And this may surprise you, but I need you too.
You saved my life.
You took me in.
Well, it is nice to have somebody to talk to.
You're welcome to stay until you can afford a place.
No problem.
I have a job now that pays minimum wage.
Shh! As soon as I pay back Twinkletoes and put my whole family through college I'm gone like a bird.
Balki, do you have any idea how much minimum wage is? Of course I do.
Don't be ridiculous.