Personal Affairs (2009) s01e01 Episode Script

We were PAs in the same office, that's how we all met.
And we spent our days kissing arse or saving arse.
It was simple and fun and boring, but that's real life, isn't it? And then something terrible happened.
And things can never be the same again.
This programme contains some strong language and some scenes of a sexual nature.
Sorry.
Went in on KZU last week.
Whispers are First Quarter net results are on the up.
Sorry, love, but KZU's net income fell by 10% and shares are down five pence already.
LAUGHTER Show us your tits! Get a load of that, boys! Your turn now, love.
Darling, no-one sees these puppies for free.
You wanna bet on that? Happy birthday, Rock! What is this? Well, you could call it a virtual me.
For example Oh.
Good morning, Mr Van Gelder.
Breakfast with Leo Hartmann at L'Chapper in five minutes.
Miss Darling, this is wonderful! That's the end of birthday surprises, I'm afraid.
Have a good meeting, won't you? TWEETING Oh! All right, girls? Morning, ladies.
Good morning.
Wait, wait, wait.
Doors closing.
CHATTERING Should I buy a bun? Rock is not getting married.
I'd be the first to know if he was.
Good morning.
Bet he'd have had you proposing for him an' all.
I'm only reporting what I heard on Saturday night, as I lay reclining on the deck of Aslan's fabulous yacht.
I don't know how you hack all them fancy boats.
I only have to look at one and I'm So, Aslan told me that while he was in Cottle and Boyds, buying this Ooh, nice.
He spotted Rock checking out rocks.
Impossible.
In all the years I've known him, Rock has never been on so much as a lunch date.
D'you reckon they've got those iced ones they have sometimes? Stop bleating on about buns! What's troubling you, sweetheart? I'm all cos I'm defo gonna hear from Wizard Of Oz Dare To Dream today, my talent show.
I spent the weekend doing my roots, 'tache, the lot, cos by tonight, girls, I could be famous.
Fingers crossed, this is the one.
MORNING, JANE.
I don't need you any more.
Right.
So Rock can have you all to himself now.
Erm, Jane, there's this stuff about office space, you know, in Tripoli, apparently it's gonna make investors a packet Really? I had no idea.
Get rid of that for me.
Course, yeah, you'd know about that, wouldn't you? Jane .
.
I got no brain.
I do not do that.
Yeah, you do.
Well, they're all so cocky, aren't they? With their degrees from Nob-bridge University.
The only difference between you and the VPs is the confidence borne of an expensive education.
It's all a facade, Lucy.
You can be as good, better even than they are.
It's never gonna be about us, is it? We're always gonna be someone else's lipstick.
Deffo a two bun Monday.
Morning, lain.
lain, why aren't you in your office yet, I am so up shit's creek without a hobnob.
What's happened? lain's still in his chateau in Fleur de la Ponce.
When's his first meeting? Four o'clock.
Who's the client? Have I shagged him? Surprisingly no.
Only lain's never gonna make it, is he? Course he will? If Rock doesn't fire him this time, I'll eat my head.
But you'll be OK.
Balls I will.
lain's replacement'll bring his new workwife with him and I'll be back down "Birds Who Type" Agency with my CV.
I won't let that happen.
MORNING, SIMON.
Morning, Simon.
HE YAWNS AND MUMBLES SOMETHING Don't like it.
Your missus should take better care o' you.
MORNING, RACHEL.
Hey, Lesboss.
Salve virgos! LAUGHTER Oh! Bonjour, poppet.
Are you finally reading me? Over.
You're due at the pitch, only you appear to be in France.
Just a spot of business to take care of.
It's the only business you or I are gonna have if you don't get your arse back here now! No, Lucius, wait! Wait, Lucius.
Scout's honour, I will make that meeting.
Just leave your file in reception, I'll do us both proud.
If you think I'm gonna waste another minute I promise, I promise, if you finish preparing my pitch for me, I am willing to make an extraordinary sacrifice.
The Associate job? I am willing to bequeath to you my tickets to the opening night of Strauss' Die Frau ohne Schatten.
Just get back here, will you? Despatch the helicopter! Au reservoir.
Hello! Oh! Aye aye.
All right, ladies.
Hiya, Rob.
Are you glad to be back in Jane's office? Prefer the cruisin' and shmoozin' up here any day.
Ta for popping round.
I've still not heard from my TV talent show.
I was actually just after the work Grace did for Jane.
Oh.
I can try and find it for you, shall I? Mental time with your boss Saturday night.
Never seen so many tits.
Classy gaff though.
Abi Titmuss were there.
So anyway, I'm only in 3am this week.
Dead famous, I am.
Oh, Rob.
I'm so small and nothing.
Hey, most birds would kill for a rack like yours.
I'm talking about my talent.
So am I.
Come here.
Listen, if it makes you feel any better, you're a great shag.
Really? Robbie, we shouldn't.
My soup'll overheat which may impair the flavour T- bills opened at 3.
07%.
After them headlines in the US, the curve steepened 58 bips.
The two year may have opened at 3.
95% and rallied 95 bips, but the 10 year yield's back under 4%, innit.
So cheers, mate, but lain'll stick with what he's got.
What? Rachel! Tell us what you want, we'll bring it up for you.
Keep the change, meus angelus! Slag knows my usual.
Simon's been banging on about T-Bills again.
Does lain have a view? I'm just the PA.
Well, when's he back? Soon.
That's it.
If lain doesn't get back for the pitch I'm a dead bird walking, aren't I? Duvet in a bin-bag, five o'clock.
Actually, it's pronounced duv-ay.
It's very practical.
Are you an emo goth? We can't all be natural blondes.
Freak! PANTING AND HEAVY BREATHING Michelle Lerner? Congratulations.
You've made it to the final 10 of Wizard Of Oz Dare to Dream.
Only the most brilliant thing ever.
This girl got killed in a horrific car crash.
Guess who's taking her place at Dorothycamp? The Archangel Gabriel? I've got to call me mum and Facebook everyone! I'm gonna meet Philip and Fur.
I'm so gonna miss ya.
I'll be working my notice, obviously.
You're quitting? I'm gonna be famous, aren't I?! For Simon.
Oh, mate! I'm so buying you a drink.
I'll make it a double.
My Bob's boss is well chuffed at you landing them that building gig.
Well, we need someone we could trust.
Zippedy doo dah zippedy ay! Good morning, ladies.
MORNING, MR VAN GELDER.
HARTMANN PAYNE, HOW MAY I HELP YOU? Oh, Miss Darling, I clean forgot, the construction workers All issued with security passes and cups of tea.
Well Fifteen minutes to Private Wealth Routine.
There, you see Your crib sheet.
You are a Waldorf salad.
Er, Mr Van Gelder? Yeah.
There's nothing else you need tell me is there? I know you said no burgundy socks with this suit, but I could only find one blue.
Oh, that's all right.
All right.
Oh, Miss Darling? Ah, take dictation.
One.
Chase asset management for Art's share certificates.
Two.
Arrange a catch-up for myself and Jane, to find out where we are with that Prince Franz Joseph.
Three.
Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife? Me? Mm-hm.
Mr Van Gelder, I owe you an apology.
If I've given you the impression Miss Darling.
A man turning 40 means Performance Review time.
So how's this fellow fared for a poor boy from Amarillo, Texas? There's a cavity in my shiny white tooth.
Can you guess why? Too many smoothies? I know you'll find this hard to believe, but I've never been one for wine and cheeses romancing.
You are the most perfect woman I've ever met.
You're my wife at work.
Why, our marriage will be no more than overtime! It's just I'm so happy.
I mean, I love this job Why settle for the FTSE when we could have the NASDAQ? Oh, two sugars, please.
Right.
Where are you? This is bloody torture.
What the hell is happening? Just Call me.
I saw your name on a document today.
I thought everyone could hear my insides screaming, "I love you!" Grace? It's not what you think.
Who do you love? It's a joke.
I can't explain now, but, please, Midge, just don't say anything to the others.
Promise me.
Birthday wishes from not one, but two Chelsea strikers, as of last night, new clients.
I do not appreciate you taking liberties.
Well, I do not appreciate you taking ours.
From the end of this week, we're all going to be monitored.
Phone calls, internet, emails.
Fraud.
OK? Inside jobs are on the rise.
So while the recession devours our clients, you're wasting time spying on us? If anyone wishes to discuss this with me further, please see Grace.
Finally, we'll be holding interviews for the new Investment Associate position tomorrow, so apologies for additional office traffic.
And now to this week's Champion The Wonder Horse clip from The Outlaw's Secret.
And the lesson is, the answer is often right there in front of you.
All right, here we go.
SPARKS Agh! Really, I'm fine.
Yeah, sit down, you'll be fine.
What a waste.
Doctor Shag should be a model.
How did Jane pull a man like that? He saves lives in war zones! And his father owns half of Hertfordshire.
Yeah, but have you ever seen him in Heat? Thanks, Dr Shag.
Thanks, Dr Palmer.
Glad I was around to help.
He will be a little bit woozy for the next hour or so.
Oh, Miss Darling, you forgot this.
Two minutes Guess which hand it's in.
Oh, darn.
Look, Rock .
.
do you even love me? Well A direct question deserves a direct answer.
OK.
Oh! Perhaps, I wasn't clear, Miss Darling, will you marry me? SHE STAMMERS A direct question deserves a direct answer.
Which I'll give you later.
Shit.
PHONE RINGS Mm-hm.
Well, could you send him through? This is ginormic! What did he say when you turned him down? I didn't.
Yet.
Rejection requires delicate handling.
I remember when my best bloke mate got a thing for me You are not Robbie's mate.
You're his shag hag.
Not Robbie.
Jonny Abrahams.
He confessed his undying love for me at a New Year's Eve do, but I so wasn't into him like that.
What happened? He hasn't spoken to me since.
But that's it, isn't it? The minute you dump him it's going to be awkward city.
And I'll have to leave.
How the hell are we going to get you out of this? PHONE RINGS I always thought you and Rock loved each other.
Of course.
We spend more time together than with our family and friends.
But you're not in love with him.
No.
lain, your arse had better be on a Eurostar seat.
Only me.
Sorry to leave yet another message, but it seems I owe you an apology.
Turns out you were right to be jealous of Rock after all.
Anyway, call me for all the gory details! It's gonna be on Saturday nights BBC1.
Course I'll get you tickets, so long as you behave! Yeah, yeah, Miss Darling, we have a new client.
Ahem! It would be wholly unprofessional for me to continue working for Richard.
Oh, congratulations.
Thanks, Robbie.
Oh, mate, that's wicked.
Well, love is indeed in the air.
Pass the gasmask.
What was that? THEY ALL CONGRATULATE HER AT ONCE Thanks.
Well, I had to put the poor man out of his misery.
If at first you don't succeed Propose six times.
Woah.
Six? So tell me, man to man, how did you close the deal? Who wouldn't want the perfect man? Oh! Well, Miss Darling, organise some of that shampoo, right? It's a day for celebration! Don't worry, we'll deal with Rock.
If I can get on to Dare To Dream, we can definitely sort this.
Because the similarity in the two scenarios is uncanny.
There's no place like home.
There's no place like home.
Eh? This is my home.
And I've screwed it up again.
Again? And now it's over.
It'll be all right.
I think we all know that's not true.
Congratulations and celebrations I want the world to know I'm happy as can be! Hello.
I just wanted to say, I am so happy for you and Grace.
I believe you're mistaken.
No way.
She's dying to marry you.
She just got a bit freaked, you landing it out the blue like that.
Is this correct? In future, you wanna know about Grace, just ask me.
She tells me everything about her love life, and I mean everything.
Oh, my god, Mr Van Gelder.
We are so excited you're marrying Grace, I cannot begin to tell you.
News travels fast.
So I thought I'd just come and say a proper "hi" as we'll be seeing a lot more of each other.
How so? Me and the girls, we're round Grace's gaffe most nights, she cooks us tea, then it's dancing, makeovers, karaoke My place isn't really designed for that sort of What's your karaoke song? Tom Jones, I'll bet.
Congratulations.
This just came for Grace.
Could I leave it with you? I think it's one of her outfits.
Outfits? Welcome to the gang, Rock.
Hey, shall we call you Rocky? Rocky! Oi, that's Grace's seat.
I'm Sid.
The temp you booked.
They just had me sent up from Equities.
You're having a laugh.
I fail to see the humour in this situation.
We didn't book a temp, did we? We could use someone, all that archiving we've been banging on about forever.
I don't know if you've seen my CV, but I've a first from Oxford.
I'm sure you could find better uses for me.
No offence, love, but you're a temp, so get over yourself.
And you're just a secretary so get over yourself.
Excuse me? She's weird.
No, she's shy.
She's right.
Don't mind Lucy.
She's great really.
It's dread being the new girl.
Don't worry though.
Everyone's brilliant.
I've no interest in making friends.
I'm just here for the week.
Yeah, that's what we all say.
My Dad's a security guard here, wangled me a temp job.
I dropped out of uni, see.
Mum made me go.
I hated it.
Hairdressing and Salon Management.
Did you go? I read PPE.
More of a chick lit girl, me.
But now down to the last 10 in Wizard of Oz Dare to Dream.
In fact, you can have my job if you like.
Look, I really don't need you to talk to me.
Honest to god, it's no trouble.
Miss Darling? Jane? Sid? Doris Siddiqi? How the devil are you? Doris! Good.
So you work here? Youngest senior partner.
Get rid of that for me? Is she gonna be long? Yeah, she's gonna be ages.
I'll wait.
Robbie's regaling the office with a tale of some girl who kisses like a haddock, whatever that's supposed to mean.
One.
Call the Fitzwallace's lawyers, tell them we need the contracts.
Two.
Cancel my five o'clock.
Three.
Remind this old fool he's to have no more mid-life crises and scare away the best PA a man could wish for.
Will that be all, Mr Van Gelder? Absolutely, Miss Darling.
Had a change of heart, has he? I'm gonna miss our chats.
I'll be down Harvey Nicks with my entourage.
Well, you know your job's open, should you wish to return.
Don't get me wrong, I love you and everyone, but we all knew I was only here till I got my big break.
Well, you know, even if you win this talent show, it doesn't guarantee a lasting career.
I see.
You're putting me off cos you'll be lost without me.
It will happen for me.
I do wish you could see the world is already at your feet.
I'm gonna win that show, then I'm gonna crack America.
Simon, will you kiss me? Pardon? It's just I heard I think I might be a crap kisser.
And you've kissed four million women, so you'd know.
I'm not that bad a tart.
Please.
Are you sure? And tell me the truth.
Come on.
Well? Kissing's not your problem.
Thank God! lain! Oh, God! Oh, God! Let's carry him downstairs.
The chap is 280 pounds of pure pie.
Everyone'll see us, lain.
Rock will see us.
Good idea, Grace, let's get Fatboy onto the trolley.
Your breasts Back off, pervert.
That is harassment! They're covered in crumbs.
You're welcome.
I see.
What? I believe you're the first bona fide virgin these walls have seen.
Ah, Midge, I'm going to need you to GROANING IAIN LAUGHS Chubby chaser! I owe you.
Oh, no, my pleasure.
Your job's safe, don't worry your pretty little head about it.
LIFT BEEPS Sorry, love, but this lift's out of action.
POP MUSIC PLAYS PANTING AND HEAVY BREATHING What do you mean, what do I want? How could you? You should be thanking me.
You nearly screwed everything up.
How dare you, you go above my head, not talk to me first? Because this has fuck all to do with you.
Shut up.
You just can't get the staff these days.
And where the hell have you all been? The phones have been ringing off the hook.
We're running a business here, not a Heat magazine convention.
You OK? What the hell was that about? She is so Queen beeyatch.
I sent the wrong document to the wrong place.
Are you sure you're OK? Snacks are on me.
The usuals? CRYING Where is she? I feel faint from hunger.
There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea.
Henry James, Portrait of a Lady.
You're not Grace.
Correct.
Where is Grace? Bistro.
Well, I need this typed up immediately.
Why don't you do it yourself? Thank you, er What did Lucy say? Ah, yes, Doris.
Thanks you, Doris.
It's Sid! Sid, so who have you seen lately? Well, I haven't really seen anyone.
Yeah, I heard about No, it's OK.
Really.
I don't know how you hack this place.
It's like the sexual revolution was something that happened to other people.
I know, and have you seen the way the women flirt and giggle at everything that the men say.
Undoing any progress that I make.
You've changed.
What do you mean? No, no, it's good.
You're all scary ninja lady now.
Yeah, well, you have to be.
Why on earth are you slumming it in this typing pool? If you're interested, there's an entry level opening here and with your qualifications, I could easily wangle an interview.
What do I know about banking? No more than I did when I started.
It's about who you know, isn't it? PHONE RINGS I'm terribly sorry, my PA was supposed to have cancelled the appointment.
Terribly sorry.
Please, allow me take you back to reception.
She can't have gone far.
Look, there's her coat.
Right, OK.
PHONE VIBRATES Grace? OK, never mind, thank you.
She's not with the asset management lot.
Reception girls, no sign.
If only we knew who this secret fella is.
Secret fella? Oi! We have ways.
It's a client.
That's all I know, I swear.
PHONE RINGS Ha! It's the producer of Wizard Of Oz My TV show.
Hi, darling.
Hey, bird.
I was 17, on a kibbutz.
In Israel.
I signed a five year contract with a guy called the Popfather.
The BBC found out, God knows how.
They've kicked me off the show .
.
and it's all over.
Let's get well and truly langered.
Oh, mate, I need to I've got a date.
This bird from asset management.
I'm on a promise.
So Oh.
So I'll see ya.
Well, thank you for handling that so quickly.
She is, she's very upset, but Midge is made of strong stuff, so Yep Yep, and I trust I can rely on your discretion.
OK.
Well, good luck with the show.
Bye-bye.
Lucy! Eh? Don't think I haven't noticed you've been doing lain's job for some time.
Well, I hadn't actually, but Slag's word is good enough for me.
Therefore, I'm going to propose you for the Associate position.
Oh, my God, Rachel! See you in the morning, interview's tomorrow.
Amat victoria curam, and all that.
I'm worried about Grace.
Let's call the police.
Or am I being paranormal? I grant you, Grace is predictable, but a day like she's had, she's probably gone off to have one of her hippie healing whatsits.
Let's give it till morning.
If none of us have heard, we'll go to her place first thing.
I've got the address off the contacts list.
Apparently, he flew across the room.
Are you nuts? Trying to kill Rock? After all these months of planning? When I heard him talking about those new security measures, everything we've worked for I didn't know what I was doing.
I understand, I do.
But killing Rock is not the answer.
No, you don't.
By Friday, there'll be all this extra surveillance.
We'll get caught for sure.
So we do it before.
I reckon Wednesday.
Crawford, you are a genius, you got me straight into the right office.
Now the Grace girl is out the way, the money's practically in our pockets.
On a scale of quaky to cocky, how nervous are you? Pretty chilled.
If it were my interview, I'd be bricking it.
I mean, you're up for your dream job, but the odds are stacked against you.
I mean, the big brain rivals with their fancy degrees, the VPs trying to destroy you with their trick questions I'd have gone like that! I didn't know you worked here, I thought you were a client.
Darling, a once-in-a-lifetime, mind-blowing shag is all it was.
So, well done, you.
And goodbye.
See ya.
I doubt it.
Bax? Yeah? Sorry, mate, I didn't mean to freak you.
It's OK.
So, guess what? I just made four New Day's revolutions.
One, we're gonna go to Grace's house and find her there with a raging hangover, mystery solved.
Two.
I'm gonna get on Big Brother 10.
Three.
No shagging Robbie Gitface ever again.
And fourthly.
You, Lucy Tracy Baxter, are gonna be an Associate.
Unless I screw up.
Why would you? When did you find out? First thing, then three more tests at work, to be sure.
How far gone? Was it planned? A split condom and the morning after pill? No, this wasn't part of the plan.
Plan? Sort the career first.
And then two kids.
Precious and Andre.
Are you gonna do what you did before? I'll come with you this time.
No, that was different, I was 18.
Me and Bob weren't even married.
I don't wanna go there again.
I'm so close.
Why did this have to happen now? On the positive side, this new predicament does seem to have left little room for your inferiority complex.
She's on the top floor.
Let's call the police, let them check it out, yeah? No, what if she's in trouble? We have to protect her.
I feel sick, do you? Agh! A simple "yes" would have worked for me.
Are you sure she's on the top floor? The board says it's vacant.
Is it me or is this place well Scooby-Doo? Grace? They do it through a hole in a sheet, you know.
Suit a virgin like you nicely, wouldn't it? That is racist ignorance.
Although it would be preferable to looking at your face.
It's not my face you'd be aching for.
I won't stand for this harassment.
You're an intelligent woman, Sid.
I think, you and I, we see how it is.
Hmm.
There is no love, there are no happy ever afters.
There are just people using each other to blot out the fact we're all going to die.
The sooner you stop fighting the truth and embrace it, the sooner you're free to enjoy all the consolation prizes rioja, pepperoni pizza and a great fuck.
Oh, and I'd love another of those Associate Applications files, if you could.
I've no idea where Midge put mine.
Grace's diary.
"25th September 2008.
"Wore the pale blue Whistles twin set.
"I ordered 12 of those lovely rollerball pens in blue, "and Midge accidentally shagged Robbie.
" So where's the juice? Oh, my God.
I thought Grace loved this photo.
No.
You're sure, Doris? No messages from Miss Darling? No voicemails, emails? My name is Sid.
Sid, Sidney, Cyril, whatever your name is, where's my PA? No idea.
And they told me to get in early and look after you, till she returns.
May I see my schedule? Now? Please.
Hey, um Your attire.
See, I'm the ranch, OK? You're my picket fence.
And I like my fence to have trim hedges, pretty flowers, shiny white paint Ah, we're playing analogies.
Why don't we substitute picket fence with foundations.
Rattle me and your ranch collapses.
I realise you've tumbled into a difficult situation, but decent people trust me with their money.
If I cannot rely on you completely, please leave now.
Any news on Miss Darling, you inform me immediately.
If we've not heard by this afternoon, steps must be taken.
Have to get the police involved.
Now, hey ho, and away you go.
Why did Grace burn us? She can't have.
It's her fella's done it.
If he's laid a finger on her, I swear This must be his.
Who's A? Anthony, Andrew, Alexander Art Grimble! Well, at least it's narrowed it down to a gazillion possibilities.
Let's get back to the office and make a plan.
RATTLING Where's Gracie? What in the name of Kylie's teeth is going on here? You know Grace? Know her, heart her, bought the wig.
Cruella de Thrill, the girl next door.
We're from her work.
I'm Lucy, this is Midge and Nicole.
He's taken her off, hasn't he? The brute.
Who? That bloke of hers.
THEY ALL SPEAK AT ONCE Steady on, girls.
I've not met him, just seen him from afar.
He's tall with a good head of hair, I can tell you that, but she's all secretive about him.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no stalker, but he arrived at 10.
18 wearing this quite nice Indiana Jones hat.
Then, 10.
42, he drags her off to his car and drops the hat.
Dragged? To be fair, she was as drunk as a lord, although it did have the smell of a drag to me.
Please, call us if you hear or see anything.
You too.
Ahh! Midge! Oh, no way! I hate everyone! That's the fourth pair of shoes this week I've ruined.
"Adam, be forever mine".
Think we've found Grace's mystery man.
Adam? We find Adam, we find Grace.
Hold the line.
Chill out, will you! PHONES RING Hello Shit! Sorry.
Hartmann Payne.
Where's Slag? And where's my post? And did I leave my party invite in the lavatorial? Rock's chiropodist is on the phone and wants to know Any sign of Judge Wilkes? He arrived about half an hour ago.
Well, where is he? Reception? Here we are, Judge Wilkes.
We're terribly sorry to have kept you waiting.
I've never met a judge before.
Except Judge Jules.
They're gonna be in my interview - all of them! And Jane Witcher.
I think I'm coming down with something.
Hey, girly.
Two coffees.
Course.
Milk and sugar? Black, strong, two sugars.
OK, chop, chop, come on We can check every staff list, client list and supplier.
Compile an Adam dossier by lunchtime.
How does Grace manage to unpack all this on her own in less than five minutes? I'm fine.
I don't want kids.
Really? The whole fame thing, you know, wouldn't be fair on them, would it? I'm going to have one daughter.
Really? When I've racked up a couple of horses, houses and a Mercedes SLR McLaren - sperm shopping time! Would the pair of you please shut up? You gonna tell them you're pregnant? Course I am.
They'll offer me the job on the spot, tell me to put my feet up for nine months, give me as much time off as I like.
They won't.
They didn't promote Jules from equities cos they thought she was pregnant.
Was she? IBS.
I can see it from their point of view.
A company trains a woman up, the client becomes reliant on her and then bang! She's off for months at least, if not forever.
Oi, it ain't my fault that women drew the baby straw! I'd be bloody good at this job.
And six months off ain't gonna hurt anyone.
But that don't mean I'm gonna tell them yet so not a word, yeah? I've not even told Bob.
You've not told Bob! You don't understand, you don't know him.
He's gonna be psycho happy and I can't handle it.
But he's your husband! Don't get all Judge Judy on me! It's finally my chance to step into the spotlight and I'm just holding it together but if I let all these huge baby thoughts in Please.
Just until after the interview.
You can count on it.
Mr McGrath, it's Lucy from lain Ebelthite's office.
I have some good news for you.
Look forward to your call.
Hey, psst, darlin'.
Bob, you can't come up here! Just wanted to say, sorry for being such a grumpy bastard this morning.
Go knock 'em dead.
Now go, back to the third floor! Midge, Nicole, this is my husband, Bob! Sorry about that.
So sorry.
Go, before Rock sees you.
.
.
Find a cure for my life Find a cure Find a cure for my life Find a cure Find a cure for my life, find a cure, find a cure for my life Oh, my God You think I'm in control Oh, my God You think it's all for fun Oh, my God You think I'm in control Oh, my God You think it's all for fun Good luck with the interview.
I've told them you're great so don't let me down.
Interview? I had to, we were at uni - she put me up for it! Stop doing this to me! Crawford? What? You feeling OK? Maybe tonight we could you know You taking the piss? Maybe we haven't tried hard enough.
Maybe I can make it work again.
You said you didn't care.
I don't.
But it'd be nice.
Lucy Baxter? How are you today? Good, thank you.
And you found us all right? Yeah, I just came from Right, well, let's leap right in, shall we? I see you left school at 16.
Tell us about your qualifications.
Right.
I have two GCSEs.
I read PPE at Oxford.
And which did you prefer, the P, the P or the E? Oh, the P definitely.
I mean, Philosophy.
My dissertation was on Wittgenstein's Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus.
How fascinating.
Obviously, using the Capital Asset Pricing Model will give you an indication of the risk of a particular stock compared to the market, but it doesn't really take into account the quality of management going forward.
If we were looking at, say, a hedge fund, I'd certainly take into account quant data like the Sharpe ratio, but I prefer the Sortino ratio - gives a better feel for the downside risks and that's what's more important than ever right now.
So how many clients could you bring to the table? None, really.
Come on, Sid.
You were at Balliol with some great contacts.
What about Aaron Cartwright? Oh, no.
Remember, summer ball, I pushed him in the river - said I looked like a fraggle.
Emilia de Winter?! Millie? SHE SCOFFS My USP, if you like, is I think real people can relate to me.
I mean, there's no-one like me on your team, but there's loads of people like me out there, making shed loads of money every day.
Thank you, Lucy.
That's it, I think? I trust you understand that as an associate, one's personal life becomes secondary to one's work life.
One must be available at all times with one's happy face on, which can be gruelling.
And that will suit your lifestyle, will it? Practically do that now so, yes, of course it will.
Midge, any luck finding Grace's boyfriend? Not one Adam.
This is hopeless, we're never gonna find Grace.
There are three on the anniversary party guest list.
It's only three days to go.
What you gonna wear? Adams Selwyn, Buchwald and Hogg.
And they're all Simon's clients, Dumbo.
Selwyn's gay and Buchwald popped his clogs.
How'd it go? Bet you were brilliant.
How did I think I was gonna do both? You could easily be a working mum! Millions of women do it every day.
Name me one VP with kids.
Fenny Rees.
She never sees them.
In at 7, home gone midnight, 6 days a week.
And at Christmas, she brings the poor sods in like they're Prada handbags.
Oh! SHE GROANS Need a hand? It's quite all right, thank you.
Come here.
You just push the hard bit into the hole and keep pushing harder, until you hear a click.
Have you ever done it in a stationery cupboard? Get lost! Don't fancy joining the File High Club, then? Lame.
What? I'm sick of you using me.
Using you, how can you say that?! You're the closest I've come to daring to love again.
In fact, I think I'm almost healed.
Really? Oh, baby, this is gonna change everything! We're gonna be a family.
We're gonna be a bloody family! I'm gonna give up work, for good.
Really? That's the greatest news of all.
What? I knew you'd see all this sex- and-the-city career girl stuff's just a waste of time, innit? I'm sorry? Baby, don't be sorry.
You came to your senses in the end.
So you never wanted me to have a career? I didn't say that.
I just want you at home.
I want us to be normal, how it's meant to be.
Let me look after you, that's all I want.
What better job is there than a cracking mum? We're going to have a tiny little Bob or a baby Lucy.
You're gonna be a full-time mum now.
I'm right, aren't I? Yeah, you are.
PHONE RINGS Oh, God! Afternoon.
I accidentally shagged Robbie.
I figured.
Your carbon footprint's all over the joint.
What's wrong with me? Tell me I'm an idiot.
Tell me I'm a screw up.
But you're doing so nicely all by yourself.
Avi? Avi Gellman? Michelle Lerner? I don't believe it! Sorry, can't touch the merchandise till we're married.
Not that we're going to get married, obviously.
This is Nicole.
Nicole, Avi.
What's with the no touching? It's against my religion.
Never used to be.
Just the past couple of years.
Look at you, you're a right beardy weirdy! I try my best.
So what you doing here? Just finished Yeshiva.
So, um thought I'd try a job in the real world.
Well, you look great.
For a beardy weirdy.
You too.
Not that you've got a beard.
My first-ever boyfriend! Did you shag him? We were 13! We were each other's first kiss at his Bar Mitzvah.
What happened? His dad's a Rabbi, got another job and moved.
We moved to London.
And other stuff happened.
Like your quest for fame.
Like my quest for fame.
I've only four more account details to get.
Well done.
Look at them all, smug bastards.
This time next week, there'll be no clients and their pampered lives will be ruined.
By the time we've pulled this off, no-one will trust Hartmann-Payne with their money again.
Hey, bro.
Yeah, that "hey bro" thing doesn't really work for me, does it? Hope you don't mind me butting in, but I may be coming to work here soon and I was wondering if there's a decent minyan round here? What? A minyan.
What? He's deaf.
What? Oh! Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Is? Great interview.
Yeah.
Shouldn't say anything, but mum's the word.
So it's not official or anything, but I've got the job.
This is like the best news ever, in my whole life! You did it! I bloody did it.
You're not still gonna turn it down? I don't know.
Do you really think I could do it? Go on, have it all, you know you want to.
Have you all gone insane? I'm not changing my mind.
Lucy was clearly the best candidate.
You're not serious? A breath of fresh air, raw intelligence and she'll attract the chav pound.
It's ridiculous! Listen, I will take this to Leo if I have to.
Have you ever considered a vibrator? Have you ever considered a man? Bitch.
Slag.
Every paper in the world has been pulled into the stellar-mass black hole that is your filing pile.
I've got a kid.
Sorry.
I was 14.
At a party.
It doesn't matter.
OK.
It was right here at a Christmas Party.
My dad brought me, and it was the most glamourous night of my life.
So my brother nicks a bottle of Tia Maria and there's a group of us kids.
And I got totally hammered, you know what it's like when you're that age.
I don't drink.
Right.
Well, anyway, I see this guy and he's American, like something out the movies.
The spit of Ryan Phillippe in Cruel Intentions.
Who? Dangerously fit.
And he was the son of the big cheese here, Leo Hartmann.
Anyways, so there's me, thinking I'm in a movie and I'm gonna kiss this man, and it's gonna be tender and beautiful.
Last thing I can remember is us going out on the penthouse balcony.
A few months later, mum took me to the doctor's, for diet advice.
We never told the Hartmanns.
Dad said this guy was a serious headcase.
The truth is, by the time my little girl was born, he'd He topped himself.
Shit! And I've not seen her.
Not since she was two days old.
And now I've got to go to this party with Simon, where Andy Young's gonna discover me.
I don't know if I'm in the mood any more.
So what you going to do? Find her.
Sorry, I mucked up the interview, didn't I? It wasn't your best.
Any news on Grace? Yes.
Tell me.
It was all very sudden.
She had to race off, look after a sick relative, just for the week.
A week, a week, you say.
Thank you, Doris.
Wow, getting ready for the meteor storm? It's a miracle.
How could any man not believe in God? Here are the minutes.
And the car's booked for 10:15.
I wish I was up there.
The peace and quiet.
No chitter chatter.
An infinity of magnificent enigmas to solve.
That's my heaven.
But every girlie's hell.
I know how you all like to talk, talk, talk.
See you in the morning.
Doris? Rock? Always give my clients one of your smiles there.
It might just be the only sunshine he sees all day.
There you are! My printouts? Thanks so much.
I've run out of Adams.
This is hopeless.
Maybe it's time we call the police.
Hang on, there's something in Grace's diary.
Girls, I believe we've found Adam.
Let's see.
Calm down, love, it's only a photo.
What? Who is it? Adam.
Adam Hartmann.
Hartmann, as in Hartmann Payne? Leo's son.
How do you know him? We met.
At a party.
Son of the boss! Nice one, Grace.
Adam Hartmann can't be the mystery boyfriend.
He died about ten years ago.
Then why's he in Paris, New Year's Eve 2002? That's impossible.
What the hell's she got herself into? Are you gonna tell her? I don't know.
If she wasn't pregnant, I'd have told her soon as I realised.
Please, please - I love her.
I don't know why I do.
You're a man.
Your infidelity was inevitable.
If I told Lucy now, she'd just move on to the next soul destroyer.
And as she inexplicably loves you, she may as well stay with you.
So you're not gonna tell her? Be good to her.
Or I'll kill you.
OK.
HE INHALES Did you just smell me? Ah, Lucy.
Can I just say, thank you.
You've changed my life.
I won't let you down, I swear.
Lucy, apologies.
I should never have gabbed before.
What do you mean? I made a grave error.
Why didn't you tell me you were pregnant? What difference would that make? None to me.
None officially.
But some people have a different view.
In any case, you haven't been successful on this occasion.
I've still got three more accounts to find.
So I was thinking, it might be wise to change the plan, just delay it, only by a day or two.
We can't do that.
You know we can't, cos all the new security'll be live by then.
Crawford, that hurts.
I understand, my love - you're scared.
And I am too.
This is wild, it's crazy, it's terrifying.
But there's no way out.
We've come too far.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
Dominic Fitzwallace, or Fitz, as he likes to be called.
Fortune estimated at 4.
3 billion.
I'll give you £1 million to sleep with me.
Only one million? So, how's my new associate? You, my friend, have got yourself a job.
I've got a lead on Grace! You must have talked to one of them.
I didn't, I swear! I've just stolen £23 million.
And you're gonna get the blame!