PhoneShop (2009) s01e01 Episode Script
Doctor Who
Allow me to introduce to you the newest member of our team.
He's passed the one-day trial with flying colours.
He sold one phone, to a mate, yeah? Might have been a mate but it was still contract.
Least it wasn't pay as you go.
No offence, Janine.
What are we doing this for, Lance? This is pointless, blud.
We know who it is.
It's Newman.
Ah-da-da-da-da! PhoneShop Sutton's newest recruit, he's got a university degree.
Yes, be scared, in Sports Science and Hotel Management, it's Christopher! I can't open it.
Christopher, are you taking the piss? No, the door's I can't open the door.
What do you mean, you can't open the door? It won't open.
We couldn't get in the kitchen this morning.
I'm already four Slim-Fasts down.
I like you fat, baby.
Have you got your hand on the hinge? Er, yeah.
Which one? The top one.
It's the middle one! Don't panic! Listen to me! I'm listening! Right, put your knee on the door.
Was it on the hole? There's only one hole, the other one's a stain.
Now, kick it.
Kick it.
Which foot are you doing it with? My left foot.
It's the right one! The right foot! Did you show him the trick? I've told him the bloody trick twice.
We've been through this for 20 minutes.
From now on, this fucking door stays open.
Right, now, lift it! Lift it! I am lifting it.
Lift it! Lift it! Lift it! I am lifting it.
It's Christopher.
Surely.
Ooh! What are you playing at? It was It's really sticky.
Ooh! Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This neckwear was worn by PhoneShop Group's most successful ever salesman.
Little Gary Patel, who's sadly been taken from us.
By Sutton Regional Crime Squad.
Look at that.
What are you doing? Taking my Because Oh, sorry.
I thought you were giving me No.
Why would I do that? I thought you wanted me to put Gary's tie on.
No, OK.
No.
Sorry.
This is a bit of heritage.
Bit of history.
Bit of success.
It's very It's very good.
Yes, it is.
Is that blood? Don't touch it! I didn't touch it! You did then.
You definitely did then.
You definitely did then.
Yes, but not when he said.
Stop it.
Janine, thank you.
Ooh! Is the matter with you? The door wouldn't And then you gave me a tie.
Shush.
Go and make a cup of tea.
Leave the bloody door open.
You ruined that for me.
I'd set all that up.
You Ruined what? Was that meant to be a ting? Apparently.
OK.
Hey, Newman.
Yeah? What kind of timepiece you rocking? What? This ain't the time for questions, bruv.
Show man your watch, innit.
Oh, right.
Oh, my lord.
It's a Timex Junior.
It's not a Timex Junior.
Stop! Snoopy time! Uh-oh! The man's got a Snoopy watch, bruv.
Hello, Snoopy! Where's Grarfield, innit? No, it's not a Snoopy watch.
Grarfield man! I loved that cat bruv, like, "I'm just a big, fat cat.
What?" And then Snoopy would say, "What's going on, Grarfield, are you blessed?" Yeah man, I'm cool, I'm blessed, brother.
You got the ting? I got the tingaling, blud.
Oh, blaze that ting.
They be like two cats just straight chilling, man.
It wasn't two cats straight chilling because Snoopy's a dog.
And they didn't hang out together because that cartoon never existed.
What? Shut up, college.
PhD-ickhead.
This ain't no debatin' society, yeah? I was on the debating team.
Oh, was you? You was on the debating team? OK, OK, well bruv, let me just fucking propose this to the house, that you never test man on cartoon, yeah, cos that's my thing, you know? Now put your childish nostalgia to one side, concentrate on your future self, yeah? Focus on this, the man you hope to be.
Right, tools of the trade.
Standard issue.
EST.
Elite Salesman Timepiece.
People don't actually wear these, do they? Say something? No, ah No, it's much nicer on than off.
As well as being a beautiful and stylish watch, it's also a conversational starter.
Oh, hello sir, welcome to PhoneShop Sutton.
How's your day today please? I'll be taking the role of dickhead in this production, yeah.
My day's going fine, but Oh, my gosh, I can't help but notice your beautiful and stylish watch.
Oh, this? Take off the watch, Newman.
Please, feel free to try it on.
I'd like very much to try that on.
Thank you.
That's very trusting of you, yeah.
It's a trust exercise, Newman.
Show the prospect you trust him.
And that he in turn can trust you.
And you in turn can rinse the fuck out of this mug.
To be fair, I do deserve it because I am some sort of cun So that's going to be a 24-month contract, sir.
24-month contract, that's absolutely fine.
Please may I use your pen? You can have the pen, sir.
Produce the pen with some elan.
Right.
Do you know what? 24-month contract? I think I'm changing my mind.
Why? Oh, my God, he's changing his mind.
I want to go 36 months because that's how much I like and trust you, yeah.
Shhansh, bam.
Done! OK? He's got his phone.
Got the contract.
Your commission's safe.
Wham.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Ramadan.
Like, come out my shop, innit.
Bye! Thank you for the commission.
You're dead to me.
Come on, Lance.
No.
Come on.
No.
Let me cash up? No.
I could do shutters? Shutters were stolen.
I could order the consumables.
Alcohol hand gel rub spray, urinal deodorising blocks, three-ply centre-feed paper towel rolls, four times maxi jumbo pack economy toilet tissue.
Right.
No.
I could let the cleaner in.
Cleaner's got his own keys.
Oh, he's got his own keys.
Janine, back in Nigeria that man's a leading neurosurgeon.
Is he? Nah.
He's a fucking cleaner.
Lance, I need you to take me seriously.
Who's your new assistant manager? Who's your new Little Gary Patel, because he's not coming back any time soon.
Not after what he's done.
It's lovely.
That'll be me up there one day, Lance.
Listen, maybe we'll move on to garms, hair, life styling next week.
There's nothing wrong with my hair.
We're doing sales repertoire at the moment.
Blam! Organ donor card.
Organ donor card? Yeah, bruv.
Shows you're caring, but more importantly, sharing.
Boom! Medical student ID.
You're training to be a doctor.
You just work here part-time to fund your studies, innit? Training to be a doctor?! Listen, people love doctors.
Shipman, Pepper, Fox aside, yeah.
People trust doctors.
They can do what the fuck they like, innit.
Like, "Hello, I'm a doctor, I'm going to be fingering you today.
" Oh, thank you, doctor.
Panties on or off? Just to the side is fine.
Oh, no, you're lying, you can't say you're a doctor when you're not.
You go tell Dr Dre that.
Man will fuck you up, innit.
On his credibility as a doctor of medicine? Don't think so.
Of course not.
But he's not a doctor.
How you know man ain't a doctor? Have you seen papers stating that man ain't a doctor? Well, no, but Then if man says he's a doctor, shut your mouth, he's a doctor.
If man say him a ting, then him a ting! You get me? Man's a ting! You are what you say you are.
Have you got these? Standard, friend.
Trainee Head of Great Ormond Street?! Listen, I just want to give something back to the children, you know.
Royal Veterinary College? Why do people insist on hurting animals? Third year of a five-year course.
Britain's first black vet.
What? Selling is an act, Newms.
Yeah? It's about convincing people using your assumed authority that you got the answers they want to hear.
If you talk with conviction, on any topic whatsoever, people will believe you.
If a man say him a ting then Him a ting.
Him a ting.
Nah! You ain't a ting, man! Just joking.
Come, come.
Nah, you still ain't a ting! Well, stop OK, Newman? No, I'm not doing it.
You've done it twice already.
Newman! No! You'll move your hand.
Come on, man.
Don't move it.
Come and see me when you're a ting, yeah.
That's really that's out You made me look silly.
Again.
Don't See what he's doing there? Yeah.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
He hasn't done it yet.
Little Gary Patel is about to sell the world's first ever 24-month mobile phone contract.
Croydon branch said it couldn't be done.
What did he say? He said fuck off, put a bin through their window.
That is an assistant manager.
Look at this.
Bomb scare on the High Street, he went out, offered everyone shelter, brought them in, locked the door, no-one went home without a phone they didn't want or a contract they didn't understand.
Bingo.
Pah! Bomb scare on this High Street? Yeah, he dialled it in.
Said there was a dirty bomb in the bin outside Wallis.
Even used a pay as you go phone.
Clever.
Untraceable.
It's all very well saying you want to be assistant manager, but until you do a quarter of what Little Gary was doing, it's just not going to happen.
That was his day off.
Depression is a terrible blight that affects people of all ages.
And as we all know, laughter is the best medicine.
So, based on what you've told me, I'm going to recommend the Jester once-in-a-laughtime unlimited free text package.
The cheapest way to send unlimited jokes, funnies and puns.
I'll throw in a free self-harm alarm application, so Mum's happy too.
Right, fill that out, young man, yeah? Watch out for them paper cuts, boy.
So if you don't get on with it, just bring it back within 28 days for a full, no quibble, money-back guarantee.
Which will not affect your statutory rights.
How lovely to speak to someone who knows what he's talking about.
Who's that, then? Come on.
Have a nice day.
Bye.
Take care.
Hello, how rude.
Hello? 'Sorry to spoil your day, but your favourite' dickhead store manager from Croydon has just walked in.
Oh, not Paul Mohammed.
What does he want? Is he still after that window money? PhoneShop Familam, what's popping? Why ain't I feeling the love in this house? Cos you've come to the wrong fucking house, bruv.
Listen, I come in peace, all right? I beg you peace, brother.
I come bearing good will and gifts for all of you.
Well, I don't bring no gifts, yeah, but I do bring our newest sales weapon, Rochelle Crosby Briers.
The R to the C to the B.
That's me! Shop look like shit, fam.
They ain't even got shutters.
What you lookin' at, tatty man? How's it going over at Croydon, Paul? You still got that drive-through storefront? I'll choose to ignore that and politely remind you that you are talking to a store manager.
Store.
Manager.
I got stripes yeah fam? I don't see you in no stripes, apart from the two stripes on your Sadidas tracksuit.
High five! My five.
What? You all know what I am.
Life on Mars here, he knows what I am.
She knows what I am.
Oi, my size, what am I? You da store manager, baby.
That's right, da store manager, baby.
Yeah.
Yeah, I manage that store from the floor to the door.
And even out the back where we smoke a little draw.
But I don't, so don't be tryin' to get me written up for that business cos if we did do that, which we don't Yeah I would be running dem tings, rude boy, you get me? No long ting, no gassing, no hyping.
Makin' bare P fam.
Bare P like Tony Montana.
Who that, Hannah Montana? Don't make me go disciplinary on you! Because I will set in motion a range of measures resulting in the termination of your working contract, albeit within the formalised framework as set out in your employee handbook, like a motherfucker.
You get me? Page 12.
Subsection 5a.
You know what, go upstairs and make some tea.
I was 13 stone at 12.
Milk.
One sugar.
Same as me.
I've been technically dead twice.
I spent three months in a wheelchair after Euro '96.
Don't ask.
And was named Hands of an English Rose at the Dubai Body Part Modelling Expo three years running.
Wow.
These have doubled for Diana.
Really? Wait.
OK.
Christopher? Mm-hm? Can I tap in to the graduate mind, as it were? Yeah, course.
Say there was a job vacancy for I don't know An assistant manager role.
Is this about little Gary? And let's say the previous incumbent had a very direct personality, and let's say, for argument's sake, the best candidate for said position has a markedly different personality.
Right It is, isn't it? How would said applicant best present themselves in order to ensure successful application? Discuss.
No pressure.
Um If man say him a ting then him a ting? What? It's essentially, you are what you say you are.
I can get one of them to help you, you know.
Oh, you work here! Sorry, I thought you was like a customer or a cleaner or something.
No.
I'm a senior executive sales director, non-contract division, PhoneShop Group, Sutton Sector.
So Pay As You Go? Yep.
You get to like make up your own job title, yeah? I do pay for my own printing as well, so And just how many people you got working in your division? We're a very streamlined operation.
It's a tight-knit team.
Just you, then? For now.
So, how long you been on Pay As You Go? Well, it's really only been about three and a half years so far.
I can like, empathise with you, yeah, because I did two whole mornings and then they saw how good I was and they were like, Rochelle, you are so, so, so good.
It would be a waste to have you on Pay As You Go.
Do you know what else they said? No.
They said I got too much flow, they said I got too much flow, they said I had too much flow for Pay As You Go.
Oh.
They wouldn't have even used those words.
What you fuckin' say? What would little Gary do? Well, about seven years, if them charges stick.
Oh, you're brave now.
You weren't when he was putting a bin through your fucking window.
Windows can be replaced, Lance.
Meanwhile, your top salesman is shitting in a bucket and making tea with his own piss.
Show some respect.
Respect? You have got some toddler working down in this place.
You need to show some respect, Lance.
Christopher? He's a natural.
Sell to anyone.
What, to his mates? See my new girl there, Rochelle? One grand on her first day.
Face it, Lance, PhoneShop Sutton is done.
Give it six months this will be a charity shop, and you know it.
It's about the Croydon branch now.
You should come and see us sometime, Lance.
I might even give you a job.
What, a blow job? You're not very mature for an old man, are you? Listen mate, that team down there go toe-to-toe with any one of your staff.
Oh, yeah, and what about your new man? Graduate.
What he doesn't know about phones isn't worth knowing.
Don't lie.
Yes! A graduate? You should have said, Lance, because I feel shook.
Petrified.
Yeah? Right now, I'm breaking into a sweat.
Woo! Where'd you get that? You desecrated little Gary's shrine, you shit.
I apologise.
I thought it was the bin.
Fucking bin.
You've gone too far.
Let's get downstairs, sort this out once and for all.
What, one to one, yeah? Yeah, one to one.
New man versus new man.
Yeah! Let's do it.
Think you're bad, yeah? Name three exclusive lockdown airtime packages, second quarter 2008, which sounded like fun but in fact tied you into a minimum of 36 monthly direct debit payments of various unspecified amounts to fuck you up? Er, Crazy Sexy Cool Off Peak, Diamond Life Lite, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
Anytime.
Who established the PhoneShop group, when, and what was its original name? Clyde Summers.
1986.
And it was called the BackPack Portaphone and Pager Centre.
Oh! If you don't know, get to know.
Here at the PhoneShop Group we pride ourself on a no-quibble phone return policy.
What are the five special exceptions to this? Ok, phone too hot, phone too cold, phone too dry, phone too damp, or fried chicken detritus in the mouthpiece.
Yes! Well, done, Chris.
That's how we roll, blud.
PhoneShop Group were investigated by the Office of Fair Trading in 2002 for gross mis-selling practices.
What? What was the company's defence? It was 20.
Pressure, pressure.
I haven't finished! The 4800 was the PhoneShop Group's biggest seller, second quarter 2005.
What set it apart from other handsets on the market at the time? That's a tough one.
Try your best, yeah.
It didn't have the number nine and the calendar was in Dutch.
And? What do you mean "and"? There's another one.
That ain't it.
There's more to it.
Sorry, time's up.
The answer is It couldn't be recharged! This is bullshit, man! Time out, time out! OK, give you your time out.
Humour, humour.
Time out, innit? Yeah! I'd just like to say at this point that I'm not even full-time in PhoneShop.
Yeah.
I'm studying medicine at college, blud.
This is just a part-time thing for me, that's how good I am.
You live the job, it's your life, fam.
So at best, we drew.
Sorry, studying medicine, are you? Yeah, what's it to you, Oxfam? No, nothing, I've just got a passing interest, that's all.
What branch in particular are you studying? I'm doing all medicine.
Idiot.
Um, geriatrics? Paediatrics? Psychiatrics? I'm doing all the 'atrics.
All the 'atrics, man.
All the 'atrics.
I heard her the first time.
What's the matter with you?! No, that's great.
Periatrics? Yeah, of course, periatrics.
Wow, that is tough.
I told you I'm good.
You must be.
You're not doing periperiatrics, are you? If you must know, that's what I'm specialising in, innit.
Wow.
Periperiatrics.
The study of Nandos Chicken? Chicken! What the fuck you talking about, bruv? Shut your mouth.
She's gonna be a doctor.
Respect the doctor! No, good, no.
I respect real doctors.
Although, not as much as I respect Britain's first Asian vet.
Is this what it's come to? We have to lie to people, to customers, in order to make a cheap sale? Is that who we are? We have to pretend to be someone we're not in order to gain someone's trust? It's not an honest day's work.
Come on, man.
Mobile phones are an instrument of communication.
And communication is a fundamental human right.
It's a tool of democracy.
Life-changing news is given over mobile phones.
The birth of a beautiful little baby, the engagement and subsequent marriage of a loving couple, be them straight, or gay.
Even the appalling death of a second cousin.
And yet, it's not always good news.
But it is news, nonetheless.
News now tainted.
Tainted by your filthy little lies.
Now, if I choose not to partake in your dubious and devious selling practices, and as such am forced to relinquish my role here at PhoneShop, well, so be it, because at least I can walk out of that door with my conscience intact, and my head held high.
Please guys, we have to change.
I look around this room and I'm seeing a lot of faces that are saying, "But Christopher, we can't change.
" Well, I've got three words for you.
Yes.
We.
Could.
Wow.
Wow.
Well done, Chris.
And that is why, when you've finished law school Uh no, you shouldn't be here.
You're going to be the finest No.
Don't say the words.
Human rights lawyer Please! Oh, Jesus.
This country has ever seen! Bravo, Christopher! And bravo to you.
Silly moo.
I walked out wearing this! Oh, you silly cow! The watch! Don't Go on.
The joke we had earlier.
So Oh What you playing at, Christopher? If man say him a ting, then him a ting.
And now I'm a ting.
Because of what just happened.
So, that was good, wasn't it? That was fun.
And now I've got this back.
Which wasn't mine.
And now I think good.
No, well done.
Carry on, and I'll The bins I need to do the bins.
So Cheerio.
Let Christopher sweat for ten minutes then we'll go for a drink.
Safe.
Oh, sorry.
I thought this was a charity shop.
Guess I'll come back in six months.
What, and get yourself a new outfit? This joke ain't for flipping.
Ah, Pay As You Go, your credit's done, innit? Outside.
Say something.
What.
Shit me!
He's passed the one-day trial with flying colours.
He sold one phone, to a mate, yeah? Might have been a mate but it was still contract.
Least it wasn't pay as you go.
No offence, Janine.
What are we doing this for, Lance? This is pointless, blud.
We know who it is.
It's Newman.
Ah-da-da-da-da! PhoneShop Sutton's newest recruit, he's got a university degree.
Yes, be scared, in Sports Science and Hotel Management, it's Christopher! I can't open it.
Christopher, are you taking the piss? No, the door's I can't open the door.
What do you mean, you can't open the door? It won't open.
We couldn't get in the kitchen this morning.
I'm already four Slim-Fasts down.
I like you fat, baby.
Have you got your hand on the hinge? Er, yeah.
Which one? The top one.
It's the middle one! Don't panic! Listen to me! I'm listening! Right, put your knee on the door.
Was it on the hole? There's only one hole, the other one's a stain.
Now, kick it.
Kick it.
Which foot are you doing it with? My left foot.
It's the right one! The right foot! Did you show him the trick? I've told him the bloody trick twice.
We've been through this for 20 minutes.
From now on, this fucking door stays open.
Right, now, lift it! Lift it! I am lifting it.
Lift it! Lift it! Lift it! I am lifting it.
It's Christopher.
Surely.
Ooh! What are you playing at? It was It's really sticky.
Ooh! Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This neckwear was worn by PhoneShop Group's most successful ever salesman.
Little Gary Patel, who's sadly been taken from us.
By Sutton Regional Crime Squad.
Look at that.
What are you doing? Taking my Because Oh, sorry.
I thought you were giving me No.
Why would I do that? I thought you wanted me to put Gary's tie on.
No, OK.
No.
Sorry.
This is a bit of heritage.
Bit of history.
Bit of success.
It's very It's very good.
Yes, it is.
Is that blood? Don't touch it! I didn't touch it! You did then.
You definitely did then.
You definitely did then.
Yes, but not when he said.
Stop it.
Janine, thank you.
Ooh! Is the matter with you? The door wouldn't And then you gave me a tie.
Shush.
Go and make a cup of tea.
Leave the bloody door open.
You ruined that for me.
I'd set all that up.
You Ruined what? Was that meant to be a ting? Apparently.
OK.
Hey, Newman.
Yeah? What kind of timepiece you rocking? What? This ain't the time for questions, bruv.
Show man your watch, innit.
Oh, right.
Oh, my lord.
It's a Timex Junior.
It's not a Timex Junior.
Stop! Snoopy time! Uh-oh! The man's got a Snoopy watch, bruv.
Hello, Snoopy! Where's Grarfield, innit? No, it's not a Snoopy watch.
Grarfield man! I loved that cat bruv, like, "I'm just a big, fat cat.
What?" And then Snoopy would say, "What's going on, Grarfield, are you blessed?" Yeah man, I'm cool, I'm blessed, brother.
You got the ting? I got the tingaling, blud.
Oh, blaze that ting.
They be like two cats just straight chilling, man.
It wasn't two cats straight chilling because Snoopy's a dog.
And they didn't hang out together because that cartoon never existed.
What? Shut up, college.
PhD-ickhead.
This ain't no debatin' society, yeah? I was on the debating team.
Oh, was you? You was on the debating team? OK, OK, well bruv, let me just fucking propose this to the house, that you never test man on cartoon, yeah, cos that's my thing, you know? Now put your childish nostalgia to one side, concentrate on your future self, yeah? Focus on this, the man you hope to be.
Right, tools of the trade.
Standard issue.
EST.
Elite Salesman Timepiece.
People don't actually wear these, do they? Say something? No, ah No, it's much nicer on than off.
As well as being a beautiful and stylish watch, it's also a conversational starter.
Oh, hello sir, welcome to PhoneShop Sutton.
How's your day today please? I'll be taking the role of dickhead in this production, yeah.
My day's going fine, but Oh, my gosh, I can't help but notice your beautiful and stylish watch.
Oh, this? Take off the watch, Newman.
Please, feel free to try it on.
I'd like very much to try that on.
Thank you.
That's very trusting of you, yeah.
It's a trust exercise, Newman.
Show the prospect you trust him.
And that he in turn can trust you.
And you in turn can rinse the fuck out of this mug.
To be fair, I do deserve it because I am some sort of cun So that's going to be a 24-month contract, sir.
24-month contract, that's absolutely fine.
Please may I use your pen? You can have the pen, sir.
Produce the pen with some elan.
Right.
Do you know what? 24-month contract? I think I'm changing my mind.
Why? Oh, my God, he's changing his mind.
I want to go 36 months because that's how much I like and trust you, yeah.
Shhansh, bam.
Done! OK? He's got his phone.
Got the contract.
Your commission's safe.
Wham.
Happy Christmas.
Happy Hanukkah.
Happy Ramadan.
Like, come out my shop, innit.
Bye! Thank you for the commission.
You're dead to me.
Come on, Lance.
No.
Come on.
No.
Let me cash up? No.
I could do shutters? Shutters were stolen.
I could order the consumables.
Alcohol hand gel rub spray, urinal deodorising blocks, three-ply centre-feed paper towel rolls, four times maxi jumbo pack economy toilet tissue.
Right.
No.
I could let the cleaner in.
Cleaner's got his own keys.
Oh, he's got his own keys.
Janine, back in Nigeria that man's a leading neurosurgeon.
Is he? Nah.
He's a fucking cleaner.
Lance, I need you to take me seriously.
Who's your new assistant manager? Who's your new Little Gary Patel, because he's not coming back any time soon.
Not after what he's done.
It's lovely.
That'll be me up there one day, Lance.
Listen, maybe we'll move on to garms, hair, life styling next week.
There's nothing wrong with my hair.
We're doing sales repertoire at the moment.
Blam! Organ donor card.
Organ donor card? Yeah, bruv.
Shows you're caring, but more importantly, sharing.
Boom! Medical student ID.
You're training to be a doctor.
You just work here part-time to fund your studies, innit? Training to be a doctor?! Listen, people love doctors.
Shipman, Pepper, Fox aside, yeah.
People trust doctors.
They can do what the fuck they like, innit.
Like, "Hello, I'm a doctor, I'm going to be fingering you today.
" Oh, thank you, doctor.
Panties on or off? Just to the side is fine.
Oh, no, you're lying, you can't say you're a doctor when you're not.
You go tell Dr Dre that.
Man will fuck you up, innit.
On his credibility as a doctor of medicine? Don't think so.
Of course not.
But he's not a doctor.
How you know man ain't a doctor? Have you seen papers stating that man ain't a doctor? Well, no, but Then if man says he's a doctor, shut your mouth, he's a doctor.
If man say him a ting, then him a ting! You get me? Man's a ting! You are what you say you are.
Have you got these? Standard, friend.
Trainee Head of Great Ormond Street?! Listen, I just want to give something back to the children, you know.
Royal Veterinary College? Why do people insist on hurting animals? Third year of a five-year course.
Britain's first black vet.
What? Selling is an act, Newms.
Yeah? It's about convincing people using your assumed authority that you got the answers they want to hear.
If you talk with conviction, on any topic whatsoever, people will believe you.
If a man say him a ting then Him a ting.
Him a ting.
Nah! You ain't a ting, man! Just joking.
Come, come.
Nah, you still ain't a ting! Well, stop OK, Newman? No, I'm not doing it.
You've done it twice already.
Newman! No! You'll move your hand.
Come on, man.
Don't move it.
Come and see me when you're a ting, yeah.
That's really that's out You made me look silly.
Again.
Don't See what he's doing there? Yeah.
Yes, I can.
No, you can't.
He hasn't done it yet.
Little Gary Patel is about to sell the world's first ever 24-month mobile phone contract.
Croydon branch said it couldn't be done.
What did he say? He said fuck off, put a bin through their window.
That is an assistant manager.
Look at this.
Bomb scare on the High Street, he went out, offered everyone shelter, brought them in, locked the door, no-one went home without a phone they didn't want or a contract they didn't understand.
Bingo.
Pah! Bomb scare on this High Street? Yeah, he dialled it in.
Said there was a dirty bomb in the bin outside Wallis.
Even used a pay as you go phone.
Clever.
Untraceable.
It's all very well saying you want to be assistant manager, but until you do a quarter of what Little Gary was doing, it's just not going to happen.
That was his day off.
Depression is a terrible blight that affects people of all ages.
And as we all know, laughter is the best medicine.
So, based on what you've told me, I'm going to recommend the Jester once-in-a-laughtime unlimited free text package.
The cheapest way to send unlimited jokes, funnies and puns.
I'll throw in a free self-harm alarm application, so Mum's happy too.
Right, fill that out, young man, yeah? Watch out for them paper cuts, boy.
So if you don't get on with it, just bring it back within 28 days for a full, no quibble, money-back guarantee.
Which will not affect your statutory rights.
How lovely to speak to someone who knows what he's talking about.
Who's that, then? Come on.
Have a nice day.
Bye.
Take care.
Hello, how rude.
Hello? 'Sorry to spoil your day, but your favourite' dickhead store manager from Croydon has just walked in.
Oh, not Paul Mohammed.
What does he want? Is he still after that window money? PhoneShop Familam, what's popping? Why ain't I feeling the love in this house? Cos you've come to the wrong fucking house, bruv.
Listen, I come in peace, all right? I beg you peace, brother.
I come bearing good will and gifts for all of you.
Well, I don't bring no gifts, yeah, but I do bring our newest sales weapon, Rochelle Crosby Briers.
The R to the C to the B.
That's me! Shop look like shit, fam.
They ain't even got shutters.
What you lookin' at, tatty man? How's it going over at Croydon, Paul? You still got that drive-through storefront? I'll choose to ignore that and politely remind you that you are talking to a store manager.
Store.
Manager.
I got stripes yeah fam? I don't see you in no stripes, apart from the two stripes on your Sadidas tracksuit.
High five! My five.
What? You all know what I am.
Life on Mars here, he knows what I am.
She knows what I am.
Oi, my size, what am I? You da store manager, baby.
That's right, da store manager, baby.
Yeah.
Yeah, I manage that store from the floor to the door.
And even out the back where we smoke a little draw.
But I don't, so don't be tryin' to get me written up for that business cos if we did do that, which we don't Yeah I would be running dem tings, rude boy, you get me? No long ting, no gassing, no hyping.
Makin' bare P fam.
Bare P like Tony Montana.
Who that, Hannah Montana? Don't make me go disciplinary on you! Because I will set in motion a range of measures resulting in the termination of your working contract, albeit within the formalised framework as set out in your employee handbook, like a motherfucker.
You get me? Page 12.
Subsection 5a.
You know what, go upstairs and make some tea.
I was 13 stone at 12.
Milk.
One sugar.
Same as me.
I've been technically dead twice.
I spent three months in a wheelchair after Euro '96.
Don't ask.
And was named Hands of an English Rose at the Dubai Body Part Modelling Expo three years running.
Wow.
These have doubled for Diana.
Really? Wait.
OK.
Christopher? Mm-hm? Can I tap in to the graduate mind, as it were? Yeah, course.
Say there was a job vacancy for I don't know An assistant manager role.
Is this about little Gary? And let's say the previous incumbent had a very direct personality, and let's say, for argument's sake, the best candidate for said position has a markedly different personality.
Right It is, isn't it? How would said applicant best present themselves in order to ensure successful application? Discuss.
No pressure.
Um If man say him a ting then him a ting? What? It's essentially, you are what you say you are.
I can get one of them to help you, you know.
Oh, you work here! Sorry, I thought you was like a customer or a cleaner or something.
No.
I'm a senior executive sales director, non-contract division, PhoneShop Group, Sutton Sector.
So Pay As You Go? Yep.
You get to like make up your own job title, yeah? I do pay for my own printing as well, so And just how many people you got working in your division? We're a very streamlined operation.
It's a tight-knit team.
Just you, then? For now.
So, how long you been on Pay As You Go? Well, it's really only been about three and a half years so far.
I can like, empathise with you, yeah, because I did two whole mornings and then they saw how good I was and they were like, Rochelle, you are so, so, so good.
It would be a waste to have you on Pay As You Go.
Do you know what else they said? No.
They said I got too much flow, they said I got too much flow, they said I had too much flow for Pay As You Go.
Oh.
They wouldn't have even used those words.
What you fuckin' say? What would little Gary do? Well, about seven years, if them charges stick.
Oh, you're brave now.
You weren't when he was putting a bin through your fucking window.
Windows can be replaced, Lance.
Meanwhile, your top salesman is shitting in a bucket and making tea with his own piss.
Show some respect.
Respect? You have got some toddler working down in this place.
You need to show some respect, Lance.
Christopher? He's a natural.
Sell to anyone.
What, to his mates? See my new girl there, Rochelle? One grand on her first day.
Face it, Lance, PhoneShop Sutton is done.
Give it six months this will be a charity shop, and you know it.
It's about the Croydon branch now.
You should come and see us sometime, Lance.
I might even give you a job.
What, a blow job? You're not very mature for an old man, are you? Listen mate, that team down there go toe-to-toe with any one of your staff.
Oh, yeah, and what about your new man? Graduate.
What he doesn't know about phones isn't worth knowing.
Don't lie.
Yes! A graduate? You should have said, Lance, because I feel shook.
Petrified.
Yeah? Right now, I'm breaking into a sweat.
Woo! Where'd you get that? You desecrated little Gary's shrine, you shit.
I apologise.
I thought it was the bin.
Fucking bin.
You've gone too far.
Let's get downstairs, sort this out once and for all.
What, one to one, yeah? Yeah, one to one.
New man versus new man.
Yeah! Let's do it.
Think you're bad, yeah? Name three exclusive lockdown airtime packages, second quarter 2008, which sounded like fun but in fact tied you into a minimum of 36 monthly direct debit payments of various unspecified amounts to fuck you up? Er, Crazy Sexy Cool Off Peak, Diamond Life Lite, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
Anytime.
Who established the PhoneShop group, when, and what was its original name? Clyde Summers.
1986.
And it was called the BackPack Portaphone and Pager Centre.
Oh! If you don't know, get to know.
Here at the PhoneShop Group we pride ourself on a no-quibble phone return policy.
What are the five special exceptions to this? Ok, phone too hot, phone too cold, phone too dry, phone too damp, or fried chicken detritus in the mouthpiece.
Yes! Well, done, Chris.
That's how we roll, blud.
PhoneShop Group were investigated by the Office of Fair Trading in 2002 for gross mis-selling practices.
What? What was the company's defence? It was 20.
Pressure, pressure.
I haven't finished! The 4800 was the PhoneShop Group's biggest seller, second quarter 2005.
What set it apart from other handsets on the market at the time? That's a tough one.
Try your best, yeah.
It didn't have the number nine and the calendar was in Dutch.
And? What do you mean "and"? There's another one.
That ain't it.
There's more to it.
Sorry, time's up.
The answer is It couldn't be recharged! This is bullshit, man! Time out, time out! OK, give you your time out.
Humour, humour.
Time out, innit? Yeah! I'd just like to say at this point that I'm not even full-time in PhoneShop.
Yeah.
I'm studying medicine at college, blud.
This is just a part-time thing for me, that's how good I am.
You live the job, it's your life, fam.
So at best, we drew.
Sorry, studying medicine, are you? Yeah, what's it to you, Oxfam? No, nothing, I've just got a passing interest, that's all.
What branch in particular are you studying? I'm doing all medicine.
Idiot.
Um, geriatrics? Paediatrics? Psychiatrics? I'm doing all the 'atrics.
All the 'atrics, man.
All the 'atrics.
I heard her the first time.
What's the matter with you?! No, that's great.
Periatrics? Yeah, of course, periatrics.
Wow, that is tough.
I told you I'm good.
You must be.
You're not doing periperiatrics, are you? If you must know, that's what I'm specialising in, innit.
Wow.
Periperiatrics.
The study of Nandos Chicken? Chicken! What the fuck you talking about, bruv? Shut your mouth.
She's gonna be a doctor.
Respect the doctor! No, good, no.
I respect real doctors.
Although, not as much as I respect Britain's first Asian vet.
Is this what it's come to? We have to lie to people, to customers, in order to make a cheap sale? Is that who we are? We have to pretend to be someone we're not in order to gain someone's trust? It's not an honest day's work.
Come on, man.
Mobile phones are an instrument of communication.
And communication is a fundamental human right.
It's a tool of democracy.
Life-changing news is given over mobile phones.
The birth of a beautiful little baby, the engagement and subsequent marriage of a loving couple, be them straight, or gay.
Even the appalling death of a second cousin.
And yet, it's not always good news.
But it is news, nonetheless.
News now tainted.
Tainted by your filthy little lies.
Now, if I choose not to partake in your dubious and devious selling practices, and as such am forced to relinquish my role here at PhoneShop, well, so be it, because at least I can walk out of that door with my conscience intact, and my head held high.
Please guys, we have to change.
I look around this room and I'm seeing a lot of faces that are saying, "But Christopher, we can't change.
" Well, I've got three words for you.
Yes.
We.
Could.
Wow.
Wow.
Well done, Chris.
And that is why, when you've finished law school Uh no, you shouldn't be here.
You're going to be the finest No.
Don't say the words.
Human rights lawyer Please! Oh, Jesus.
This country has ever seen! Bravo, Christopher! And bravo to you.
Silly moo.
I walked out wearing this! Oh, you silly cow! The watch! Don't Go on.
The joke we had earlier.
So Oh What you playing at, Christopher? If man say him a ting, then him a ting.
And now I'm a ting.
Because of what just happened.
So, that was good, wasn't it? That was fun.
And now I've got this back.
Which wasn't mine.
And now I think good.
No, well done.
Carry on, and I'll The bins I need to do the bins.
So Cheerio.
Let Christopher sweat for ten minutes then we'll go for a drink.
Safe.
Oh, sorry.
I thought this was a charity shop.
Guess I'll come back in six months.
What, and get yourself a new outfit? This joke ain't for flipping.
Ah, Pay As You Go, your credit's done, innit? Outside.
Say something.
What.
Shit me!