Play It Again, Dick (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 [CELL PHONE BUZZING.]
FEMALE VOICE: Last night was great, Dick.
But we're not gonna find my dad's killer looking in there.
Those aren't billable hours, are they? [ .]
Ha-ha-ha! Pretty awesome, right? Was that shot of me, like, from ten minutes ago when I just pulled into your driveway? Yes, you mind signing this, uh, release, please? - Thank you.
- Yeah, a release for what? Ryan, I'm not really sure what I just witnessed.
Oh.
These are the main titles for the Dick Casablancas series.
Plus the "making of" doc.
What up.
You might have noticed him.
Yeah, I mean, I was wondering what I I I just always assume that you might break out into dance.
Um, Ryan, if there were gonna be a Veronica Mars spin-off, I think I would've heard about it.
Especially if I was appearing in it.
You'd only show up from time to time.
You know, you'd pop in like like Buffy on Angel.
Or or Monica visiting Joey in Joey.
Plus this isn't a series, yet.
Okay? This is just a sales tool.
Pitching to the CW next week.
Joey and Angel were beloved characters, though.
Joey, you know, is all dopey sweetness and light, and Angel is so brooding and sexy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, Dick Casablancas was an entitled, self-involved hedonist moron, and, I mean, if you were really paying attention to the story, a likely date rape enabler.
Right.
Okay, well, it didn't really seemed to concern Rob.
That's true.
Rob always had a blind spot for Dick.
But doing a Dick Casablancas spin-off, wouldn't that be like doing the Billy Zabka show? I don't know who that is.
Billy played Johnny, the head of Cobra Kai - Yes! I love that guy! - On Karate Kid.
He was the bad guy, Ryan.
- Um, you sure about that? - I'm pretty sure he was.
Also, why would you have Dick be a private eye? Was there ever a moment in the series that would make one believe that Dick had either the smarts or the inclination to help solve someone else's problem? Why don't you have a spinoff called Bros or Douchebag City? Great ideas, okay? But hey, Veronica Mars has heat right now, you know? I'm counting on the marshmallows showing up.
They're fans of the genre.
You're off doing your big cable shows, you know? Let me pick up the ball and run with it.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, but Dick as a private eye? It's kind of a tough sell.
No.
No, it's all in the back story.
Here, check out the treatment.
[EXHALES.]
"After an unscrupulous financial planner bilks Dick out of his family fortune, he's forced to sign up as a guinea pig for a pharmaceutical study.
The drug allows Dick to access one hundred percent of his brain power.
" "For reasons unknown, the drug kills the other test subjects.
" "Dick has 100 smart pills and five years to find the anecdote " I think you mean "antidote" "and take down Big Pharma.
" Smart pills? Keep reading.
"Keith Mars, losing his eyesight to Glaucoma, accepts Dick's offer to be his protégé and takes over the family business after Veronica gets married, starts popping out kids, and gets her real estate license.
" Does Rob know anything about this, Ryan? That is the beauty of it.
He doesn't have to.
The studio owns the title.
Besides, I'm not planning on doing, like, a little cult classic, you know? I'm talking seven seasons and a movie.
Jason's in.
And Whpsssh! Aah! [SIGHS.]
- All right.
- Yeah! Ooh! Ha-ha! CAMERAMAN: Hey, Kristen, why did you decide to do it? I love Ryan like a brother.
And there's no way in hell this thing is getting ordered, so why not sign it? Can you not lean on my car? [ .]
[RYAN LAUGHS.]
Huh? Huh? Did I lie? It's like a Veronica Mars that isn't afraid of sex.
We drop the whole who-gives-a-damn-high school-is- a-metaphor-for-something-or-other crock of shit, and give the people what they want.
- And what they want is? - Dick! You get it.
Rob always called me the dessert of the show.
Why not have a show that's all dessert? Mostly Dick.
Young hot people forgetting to put their shirts on.
Guns.
Tricked out muscle cars.
Chase sequences.
Catch phrases.
All the Veronica Mars fans'll show up.
Plus we're inviting in a completely new audience, non-nerds.
[SCOFFS.]
You know, so you'd be doing an homage to classic detective television, really.
I mean, exploring some of the tropes that made Magnum, Starsky and Hutch, Miami Vice even Rockford so successful? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, just like that.
Uh huh.
[WHISPERS.]
You know, if we could get Kristen on the show, that would be amazing and would be a reason to do the pilot.
And Ryan, do you think you could get some of your old cohorts from Veronica Mars to come join you on this? Yeah, we're we're, um, we're super-tight.
- Like Kristen? - Course! Yes.
She totally owes me, so Could you do the pilot for fifty? - Fifty? - Thousand.
I mean, it's not my quote, ha, ha, but what the hell.
It's a, uh, it's a passion project, right? Hey, let's let the agents do their thing.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
That's fifty grand to make it, all in.
I mean, have you heard of micro-budget pilots? Yeah, we're dipping our toes in that world, we're casting a wider net.
This is your chance to be a trailblazer.
Right on.
And that dance video thing you did that went viral, right? - Yeah Oh, yeah.
- THOM: Yeah.
Yeah, You should think about dancing in your pilot.
Oh, I also sing.
- Triple threat.
- Ryan, the dancing will do.
- Okay.
- THOM: And here's the good news.
At this budget level, we don't overburden you with notes.
You just go and do your thing, but, you know, if I could offer one suggestion.
Absolutely.
Yeah, yeah.
Lose the smart pills.
Oh, like they never existed, huh? Simple as that.
Ooh! Spondoolie, motherfuckers! Ha-ha! What do you think? It's my new catchphrase.
CAMERAMAN: I don't think you can say "motherfuckers" on CW.
Do you wanna get a clean one? CAMERAMAN: Nah, we'll just bleep it out.
Okay.
Well, let's get some mother-bleeping cheeseburgers and celebrate this bitch.
Charge that to production.
Shotgun! [LAUGHS.]
[ .]
Okay, let's talk about Season 2.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm thinking musical episode.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
As a triple threat, you know, I think it kind of would be a natural thing to do.
Do you do, like, any singing or dancing or any of that you could contribute? Yeah, I was just in Hair at the Hollywood Bowl.
- Ryan, I got you tickets.
- Shit.
I for I had a commitment.
I'm so sorry.
Oh.
- Okay, all right.
- That's fine.
What about Um, okay, what about Dick in the corporate world? You know? He, um He's he he runs a consulting firm that gets shit done by any means necessary.
I think there's already a show like that on television, Ryan.
Fucksticks.
[ .]
FEMALE VOICE: Last night was great, Dick.
But we're not gonna find my dad's killer looking in there.
Those aren't billable hours, are they? [ .]
Ha-ha-ha! Pretty awesome, right? Was that shot of me, like, from ten minutes ago when I just pulled into your driveway? Yes, you mind signing this, uh, release, please? - Thank you.
- Yeah, a release for what? Ryan, I'm not really sure what I just witnessed.
Oh.
These are the main titles for the Dick Casablancas series.
Plus the "making of" doc.
What up.
You might have noticed him.
Yeah, I mean, I was wondering what I I I just always assume that you might break out into dance.
Um, Ryan, if there were gonna be a Veronica Mars spin-off, I think I would've heard about it.
Especially if I was appearing in it.
You'd only show up from time to time.
You know, you'd pop in like like Buffy on Angel.
Or or Monica visiting Joey in Joey.
Plus this isn't a series, yet.
Okay? This is just a sales tool.
Pitching to the CW next week.
Joey and Angel were beloved characters, though.
Joey, you know, is all dopey sweetness and light, and Angel is so brooding and sexy.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well, Dick Casablancas was an entitled, self-involved hedonist moron, and, I mean, if you were really paying attention to the story, a likely date rape enabler.
Right.
Okay, well, it didn't really seemed to concern Rob.
That's true.
Rob always had a blind spot for Dick.
But doing a Dick Casablancas spin-off, wouldn't that be like doing the Billy Zabka show? I don't know who that is.
Billy played Johnny, the head of Cobra Kai - Yes! I love that guy! - On Karate Kid.
He was the bad guy, Ryan.
- Um, you sure about that? - I'm pretty sure he was.
Also, why would you have Dick be a private eye? Was there ever a moment in the series that would make one believe that Dick had either the smarts or the inclination to help solve someone else's problem? Why don't you have a spinoff called Bros or Douchebag City? Great ideas, okay? But hey, Veronica Mars has heat right now, you know? I'm counting on the marshmallows showing up.
They're fans of the genre.
You're off doing your big cable shows, you know? Let me pick up the ball and run with it.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, but Dick as a private eye? It's kind of a tough sell.
No.
No, it's all in the back story.
Here, check out the treatment.
[EXHALES.]
"After an unscrupulous financial planner bilks Dick out of his family fortune, he's forced to sign up as a guinea pig for a pharmaceutical study.
The drug allows Dick to access one hundred percent of his brain power.
" "For reasons unknown, the drug kills the other test subjects.
" "Dick has 100 smart pills and five years to find the anecdote " I think you mean "antidote" "and take down Big Pharma.
" Smart pills? Keep reading.
"Keith Mars, losing his eyesight to Glaucoma, accepts Dick's offer to be his protégé and takes over the family business after Veronica gets married, starts popping out kids, and gets her real estate license.
" Does Rob know anything about this, Ryan? That is the beauty of it.
He doesn't have to.
The studio owns the title.
Besides, I'm not planning on doing, like, a little cult classic, you know? I'm talking seven seasons and a movie.
Jason's in.
And Whpsssh! Aah! [SIGHS.]
- All right.
- Yeah! Ooh! Ha-ha! CAMERAMAN: Hey, Kristen, why did you decide to do it? I love Ryan like a brother.
And there's no way in hell this thing is getting ordered, so why not sign it? Can you not lean on my car? [ .]
[RYAN LAUGHS.]
Huh? Huh? Did I lie? It's like a Veronica Mars that isn't afraid of sex.
We drop the whole who-gives-a-damn-high school-is- a-metaphor-for-something-or-other crock of shit, and give the people what they want.
- And what they want is? - Dick! You get it.
Rob always called me the dessert of the show.
Why not have a show that's all dessert? Mostly Dick.
Young hot people forgetting to put their shirts on.
Guns.
Tricked out muscle cars.
Chase sequences.
Catch phrases.
All the Veronica Mars fans'll show up.
Plus we're inviting in a completely new audience, non-nerds.
[SCOFFS.]
You know, so you'd be doing an homage to classic detective television, really.
I mean, exploring some of the tropes that made Magnum, Starsky and Hutch, Miami Vice even Rockford so successful? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, just like that.
Uh huh.
[WHISPERS.]
You know, if we could get Kristen on the show, that would be amazing and would be a reason to do the pilot.
And Ryan, do you think you could get some of your old cohorts from Veronica Mars to come join you on this? Yeah, we're we're, um, we're super-tight.
- Like Kristen? - Course! Yes.
She totally owes me, so Could you do the pilot for fifty? - Fifty? - Thousand.
I mean, it's not my quote, ha, ha, but what the hell.
It's a, uh, it's a passion project, right? Hey, let's let the agents do their thing.
[IN NORMAL VOICE.]
That's fifty grand to make it, all in.
I mean, have you heard of micro-budget pilots? Yeah, we're dipping our toes in that world, we're casting a wider net.
This is your chance to be a trailblazer.
Right on.
And that dance video thing you did that went viral, right? - Yeah Oh, yeah.
- THOM: Yeah.
Yeah, You should think about dancing in your pilot.
Oh, I also sing.
- Triple threat.
- Ryan, the dancing will do.
- Okay.
- THOM: And here's the good news.
At this budget level, we don't overburden you with notes.
You just go and do your thing, but, you know, if I could offer one suggestion.
Absolutely.
Yeah, yeah.
Lose the smart pills.
Oh, like they never existed, huh? Simple as that.
Ooh! Spondoolie, motherfuckers! Ha-ha! What do you think? It's my new catchphrase.
CAMERAMAN: I don't think you can say "motherfuckers" on CW.
Do you wanna get a clean one? CAMERAMAN: Nah, we'll just bleep it out.
Okay.
Well, let's get some mother-bleeping cheeseburgers and celebrate this bitch.
Charge that to production.
Shotgun! [LAUGHS.]
[ .]
Okay, let's talk about Season 2.
- Okay.
- Okay.
I'm thinking musical episode.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
As a triple threat, you know, I think it kind of would be a natural thing to do.
Do you do, like, any singing or dancing or any of that you could contribute? Yeah, I was just in Hair at the Hollywood Bowl.
- Ryan, I got you tickets.
- Shit.
I for I had a commitment.
I'm so sorry.
Oh.
- Okay, all right.
- That's fine.
What about Um, okay, what about Dick in the corporate world? You know? He, um He's he he runs a consulting firm that gets shit done by any means necessary.
I think there's already a show like that on television, Ryan.
Fucksticks.
[ .]