Please Like Me (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

JOSH: Why can't I ever just let myself properly enjoy things? Why can't I ever just be in the moment, you know? I know today is brilliant, it's sunny, we're in the First World, we just ordered a $19 sundae, you know, delicious.
But all I can think about is my rubbish face and obsessing.
I mean, it's just, I'm turning 21 soon, and this is as good as my face is ever going to get.
This is it.
It's all downhill from here.
I was hoping puberty would do a better job, but no.
Puberty did a good job with you.
You used to be really awkward to look at.
Incredible.
Clap.
Don't you think this is incredible? What an incredible sundae! Isn't it just mind-blowing to think we actually get to eat this? Josh, I want to talk to you about something.
Oh.
No.
No.
No, you don't.
- I think we should break up.
- Oh.
Oh, that's bad.
I just I kind of feel like we've drifted, you know.
This isn't good at all.
- Also, you're gay.
- What?! No No no, I'm not.
- Josh, you're probably gay.
- I'm not.
I mean, we could still be friends, if you like.
Wouldn't really be that different, would it? This $19 sundae's suddenly pretty fucking humiliating.
SONG: * One, two * * One, two, three, four * Ooh * Yeah, I'll be fine, yeah, yeah * * Ooh * * Ooh * * Ok * * Ooh * * Oh, the good Lord knows it * * Ooh * * Oh, the good Lord knows it * * Ooh * * I left better behind * * I'll be fine, yeah, yeah, yeah * * Make my mamma tum another blind eye * * Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah * * I left better behind I'll be fine * - Tom.
- Hey.
Workplace sexual harassment.
Here we go.
Mm-mm! Workplace sexual harassment.
- Oh! Oh! - You don't work here.
This isn't workplace sexual harassment.
It's just normal sexual harassment.
- What are you doing? - I'm on my break.
- Tom, are you googling giraffes again? - Yeah.
- Why are you always googling giraffes? - I'm not always googling giraffes.
Just last time you came in, I was googling giraffes, and I happened to be googling giraffes again today.
I just hate that you think you have some sort of special affinity with giraffes.
I don't! I imagine it's because you think that you kind of look like one but but less graceful.
- Giraffes aren't graceful.
- I think they're surprisingly graceful.
No, they're not.
Have you ever seen one pick something off the floor? I guess you would know, with all your special research.
- Claire said she broke up with you.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Yep, Yep.
Yep Also, I cut myself shaving, and you won't shut up about giraffes, so that's three pieces of bad news in one day.
I've decided I am going to break up with Niamh.
Why do you do this to me, Tom? We both know you're not going to.
I don't know why you lie to me.
You get my little hopes up.
- When I try, something gets in the way.
- I don't think it does.
You put things in the way.
You're scared of what she'll do.
Last time, I was about to and her turtle died.
- Of course she owns a fucking turtle.
- Owned.
Hi.
Oh! Josh, this is Geoffrey.
- Hi.
- Geoffrey just started.
- Think you might be in my chair.
- Oh, shit.
Sorry.
- Are - (SNIFFLES) Are you ok? Yeah, sorry.
I didn't want to No, I don't want to put this on you, man.
(PHONE RINGS) It's Niamh.
I have to get it.
Sorry.
Hey, sweetheart.
What? They kicked you out? What did you do? My dad got arrested again.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Should I ask you what for, or should we - Should we we should not mention it.
- Not mention it.
Ok.
Does sound pretty racist.
(SOBS) I just don't know who to talk to.
Tom keeps lollies in here.
Do you like lollies? It's kind of Honestly, it's the best I've got to offer.
Pop Rocks? - I love Pop Rocks.
- Yeah? TOM: No, you can't.
Josh just broke up with Claire.
He's all upset.
He's a mess.
(LOLLIES POP) TOM: No.
Fine.
Niamh's coming over for dinner.
What? No.
Tom, you said you were gonna break up with her.
They kicked her out of her poetry group.
She got kicked out of her poetry group? - She's upset.
- Tom, no, that's no excuse.
You have to do this.
You can do this.
Come on.
Ok! I'll break up with her tonight.
Are you eating my Pop Rocks? No.
Can I come to dinner? - Do you know what I think about a lot? - What? The time you were telling me when you were a kid and you were naked in the backyard at your friend's house and his mum told you that if you do that, then a magpie might mistake your penis for a worm and eat it.
- You think about that a lot? - I just I just think it's a funny image.
A tiny version of you terrified that a magpie might swoop down and eat your penis.
- Nobody - I had a pet magpie for a while.
He used to come to the back door every morning.
We'd give him our leftovers.
Did it ever try and eat your penis? - No.
- (BOTH LAUGH) (BARKS) Hey! Hey, guys.
JOSH: Hey, Niamh.
This is Geoffrey.
- Hey! - Hi hi, Niamh.
Josh, uh, Tom told me about how Claire broke up with you.
- Yes.
- What happened? Um she said we'd drifted.
Oh, that's disappointing.
You know, I really liked Claire.
- Really? You never - How'd you let it drift? Well, I don't know, Niamh.
You see, that's the nature of drifting, is that it happens slowly, over time, and then one day, you order a $19 sundae and it's finished.
Right.
How did you get kicked out of your poetry group? - You think this is funny, don't you? - No.
It's just Claire's probably at home crying, and you're here having a dinner party.
I don't think she's crying, ok.
She broke up with me.
It was a surprise.
I didn't know.
If I'd known, maybe I would have planned a more mournful evening.
- I'm sorry.
- Well, isn't that just charming? - Niamh, can you just - Oh! I'm sorry, Tom, am I embarrassing you again? Maybe we could sort this out with indoor voices.
Oh, what the fuck? - I don't even know who the fuck you are.
- I'm Geoffrey, Tom's friend.
I'm so nice to you guys and you're all just such fucking bitches to me.
Oh, God.
Can we just take this into another room? (DOOR CLOSES) NIAMH: Oh! Oh! Oh! Yes! Oh! Oh! (CONTINUES MOANING) I just, uh I just can't imagine that they're having that much fun, you know? So what what do you do? Uh, I'm studying a bachelor of creative industries.
- Really? - Yeah.
- That's really interesting.
- N no.
I'm gay.
(NIAMH CONTINUES MOANING LOUDLY) Oh, cool.
Yeah, I, um I haven't told Tom.
Oh.
Why? Why is that? I just I didn't want him thinking I was hitting on him.
I don't think anybody thinks that anyone is hitting on Tom.
Can I sleep over? We don't really have anywhere.
Oh, you've got a pretty big bed.
I can just crash there.
(DOOR CREAKS) (DOOR CREAKS REPEATEDLY) Lights.
Is this ok? (NERVOUSLY) Yeah.
Yep.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Do you do you taste blood? What? Oh, the the little mole on your lip, it's bleeding.
I I cut myself shaving.
W what what are we meant to do now? I don't know.
Do we just wait for me to stop bleeding? I might go to sleep.
We'll try again in the morning? Ok.
Do you, uh do you prefer big spoon or little spoon? I don't know.
Don't really get the big spoon/little spoon thing.
Surely, they'd be the same-sized spoons.
Different-sized spoons don't fit together like this.
(PHONE BEEPS) (REPEATED BEEPS) FEMALE RECORDED VOICE: Received at 11:13am.
MAN: Josh, it's your dad.
Don't worry, mate.
Mum's ok.
She's ok.
She's been moved to a ward.
You awake? (BEEP!) FEMALE RECORDED VOICE: Received at 10:15am.
FATHER: Josh, it's your dad.
Um Oh, mate, where are you? Call me back.
(BEEP!) FEMALE RECORDED VOICE: Received at 9am.
CLAIRE: Hey, Josh.
Your dad called, and he told me what happened.
I just I hope that you're ok, and if you need anything, please just let me know.
(BEEP!) FEMALE RECORDED VOICE: Received at 8:40am.
FATHER: Fuck, Josh! Fuck! Mum! Fuck! Fuck! Call me! (BEEP!) Josh! Geoffrey's in your room.
He's not wearing a shirt.
FEMALE RECORDED VOICE: Message received at 8:09am.
WOMAN: Josh? Lovey, I need some help.
Tom, I think I need you to drive me to the hospital.
- What? - I need you to drive me to the hospital! - Which hospital? - I don't know! Just get in the car! What the hell happened last night? You've never left this much time between something happening and you telling me.
My mum took quite a bit of Panadol and drunk half a bottle of Baileys.
- Baileys? - Yep.
How do you even drink half a bottle of Baileys? I just don't know.
Guess what else.
You made out with Geoffrey.
I can never really trust when someone that good-looking is into me.
Do you know what I mean? I just don't get it.
At least if they're mediocre-looking, I can sort of appreciate why their standards are so low.
But when they're that pretty, I'm just like, "Oh!" What are you hiding?" you know? Claire is quite good-looking.
I really don't think she was that good-looking when we got together.
Puberty did well with her.
Just so I know, we're not talking about your mum because you're all, like, emotionally stunted, yeah? Yeah.
And we're just ignoring the fact that Geoffrey's a man? Yes when he kissed me, my lip started bleeding, because I cut myself shaving, and then I bled actual blood into his actual mouth.
Ugh.
It's the third worst thing that's ever happened to me during sex.
- You had actual sex? - No.
My lip was bleeding.
Are you sure you don't have feelings you want to share with me in some kind of talk? Yeah.
It can be good to share your feelings.
Nope.
No.
Nah.
Josh.
Hi, Dad.
- Hey, Tom.
- Hey, Alan.
I'm just gonna grab a seat.
- Do you know what happened? - Yeah.
- That Mum took a box of Panadol? - Yeah, you told me on the phone.
- And drank half a bottle of Baileys? - Yes, Dad.
I know what happened.
- Did you get a park ok? - Yes.
I think Mum tried to kill herself.
You think? Why would she want to do that I I don't know.
It's probably my fault.
Look, it it might be your fault, but I I doubt it's your fault.
Did you tell her that I have a girlfriend? You've been divorced for a while.
I don't think that really matters.
But no.
I I didn't Oh, um, when I couldn't get onto you, I called Claire.
- Oh! Why? - What? Oh, it's nothing.
It's just, uh we broke up yesterday.
- It's fine.
- Sorry, mate.
I didn't know.
No, it's fine.
- Why'd she break up with you? - I I don't know.
- She just wasn't happy with you? - I guess not.
Oh.
Mum doesn't know I'm here.
OK.
Do you think she'd be uncomfortable if she knew I was here? Yep.
Yes.
Yes, I do.
Hi.
How's it going? Hi, lovey.
How's Claire? Oh, yeah.
She's alright.
(RETCHES) (GROANS) I'm sorry, lovey.
Hello.
- Rose, is it? - Mm-hm.
Just have a few questions.
- You still vomiting? - Yeah, a little.
Got a headache at all? A headache? She took quite a bit of Panadol.
No headache? I've still got a little bit of a headache.
If you get a headache in the next few weeks, I really think we should be calling their customer complaint line.
Sorry, I just have to get through these questions, then I can move on to the other patients.
So do you think you could step outside for a moment? What? No.
This is my mum.
Ok, well, can you just shush Yeah.
I can shush.
Perhaps you could pop out and get your mum a Turkish Delight, Josh.
Alright.
Hi.
Claire! Hi.
Sorry about your mum.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, um, are you ok? Yeah.
No, yeah.
Sure.
- You dumped me yesterday, yeah? - Yeah.
Ok.
I just I thought that meant that I wouldn't be seeing you so much.
Do you know what I mean? But I can see you.
Yeah, but, uh, we said that we were gonna be friends.
So I'm just here trying to be friendly.
- That's all.
- Ok.
I just thought maybe you were just, like, saying it that to sort of soften the blow.
Are you saying you don't want to be friends? Yeah, I want to.
I just There's another thing, also, um, to that.
- I made out with a boy.
- I know.
- A male boy.
- I know, yeah.
Ok.
I don't understand it.
Why would you do it on the same day that we break up? I didn't mean to, I promise.
Honestly, he just he was just there.
Do you know what I mean? - There? - Yeah, he was He was really very there.
Is is that what you think of me? - I was just there - No! Come on.
You're being silly.
No, obviously, you were there.
You know, that's good.
That's helpful.
For you to be there.
It's completely necessary, even.
But you weren't just Anyway.
I don't know.
I feel like you didn't even really enjoy having sex with me.
- Oh, come on.
No.
- Well, did you? I guess.
Yes.
- You guess? - Yes.
I mean, yes - No, you didn't.
You're such a liar.
- Yes to the question.
Mmm-mmm! - Sex with Claire.
- You're so frustrating! I don't know why you wouldn't just tell me.
My mum attempted suicide today, so I have a pretty good excuse to get out of this conversation, by the way.
Just want you to know that.
I understand Rose lives alone.
In a situation like this, we can't release the patient unless she has people around to keep an eye on her.
Well, I can't move back in with her.
Can I? We're divorced.
I don't know your personal situation, but, no, that doesn't sound ideal.
Does this mean I'm gonna have to move back in with her? Well, no, in a circumstance like this, we would advise that she is transferred to a private facility.
- A mental home.
- We don't call it that.
But like, that's what it is? Well, we don't call it that.
Aunty Peg could move in with her.
I don't think Mum actually likes her.
Ohh! Why did she have to be so stupid? I can't be her carer.
I don't know how to do caring.
I don't even know how to care for myself.
I never floss.
- Sorry this took so long.
- Oh Thanks, lovey.
So What have you guys decided to do with me? Um We haven't decided.
But the doctor thinks we should put you in a mental home.
What, you think Am I mental? I don't know.
So, what are the other options? Well, someone needs to live with you, so that could be me, I guess, or Aunty Peg.
Ah, no.
No.
Don't make me move back in with her.
I couldn't bear it.
Ok.
And you shouldn't have to live with me either, Josh.
I I shouldn't be your problem.
Well, I mean, I haven't decided.
I'm not sure I could move out on Tom.
But you could do all the same sorts of things at my place as you do at Tom's.
- It's ok.
I'm cool with that.
- I haven't decided.
I'll think about it.
But, you see, you could bring Claire home to sleep over, if you want.
What I'm cool, ok? Like, you can have sex in the house, if you want.
- Oh, fuck, Mum.
- No, please don't swear, Josh.
Also, uh, Claire and I broke up.
What? - Who broke up with who? - She broke up with me.
Oh, well.
Look, even if you want casual girls - Mum, I'm not having sex in the house.
- I'm just saying you can if you want.
Well, I don't want to.
I especially don't want to with your permission.
- No, I am just saying, ok? - Well, don't.
Ok.
I won't.
What'd I do with the parking ticket? Mae! How long have you been in the car? Your father told me to wait here for a moment.
That was six hours ago.
What are you talking about I I left you the keys and I brought you a drink.
- Mmm, like a dog.
- (JOSH LAUGHS) Josh, I'm sorry to hear about your mother.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks, Mae.
- Mae, have you got the parking ticket? - No.
You took it.
Your father thinks it is his fault because of the divorce.
Well, clearly, it is.
Oh, yes, of course it is.
You break up with someone, what is the point for them in living? They may as well end it.
They have experienced perfect love and they will never find happiness again, so they may as well end it, because you are so perfect.
It's not like that.
Alan, I promise you, no-one is attempting suicide because a fat man like you dumped them.
- Yes, well - She has a mental disorder.
Yes, I understand that, Mae, but I do think Dad, I think she's right.
I don't know if you've seen your face lately.
- It's like a scrotum.
- (CHUCKLES) (SNIFFLES) Shaniqua! - Ain't nobody gonna mess with you.
- Hey, Tom.
- Hi.
- Hey, Shaniqua.
- How's it going? - Oh, yeah.
Big day.
I have had a big day.
Hi.
Ooh! You're back.
He never left.
Yeah, I wanted to help out, so I cleaned the house and I made dinner.
He made spaghetti.
You love spaghetti.
I really do love spaghetti! Anyway, I'd best be off.
Oh, you're not you're not gonna stay and eat spaghetti? No, I promised my dad I'd visit him, so Oh.
Ok.
Thanks for all the stuff.
Why doesn't Niamh ever do that? What, make you dinner and then not make you talk to her while you eat it? Yeah.
You could just break up with her and then go to a restaurant.
Mmm.
How's your mum? Oh, yeah, Tom.
I just I just really think I have to move back in with her.
- Wow.
That is very nice of you.
- Yeah.
I'm a modern-day hero.
"Hero" is a strong word.
No, I'm almost definitely gonna be Young Australian of the Year for this.
More like Young Dickface of the Year.
Brilliant.
That's clever.
That's really good.
TOM: I wrote you a poem, Shaniqua.
JOSH: Shit, Tom! That sounds gay.
TOM: I know a sassy urban girl, her fur as dark as night.
But like the moon in the darkest woods, her spirit is my light.
JOSH: Oh, you sure do know how to make a girl feel special!