Police Squad! s01e01 Episode Script

Police Squad! In coIour.
Starring LesIie NieIsen.
AIso starring AIan North.
And Rex HamiIton as Abraham LincoIn.
Tonight's speciaI guest star, Lorne Greene.
Tonight's episode, The Broken Promise.
Sally, l just can't cover up for you anymore.
-l'm in this thing way too deep already.
-Not as deep as l am.
Honey, please, my orthodontist is getting anxious.
He wants his money.
Well, tell him you haven't got it.
What can he do? What can he do? He'd beat up his own mother when it comes to money.
Jim, please, you gotta go along with me or l'm in serious trouble.
l'm sorry, Sally.
Please, l only need a couple more days.
By then, the rubber bands will be off.
Yeah, sure, then next week you'll need a retainer.
There's no end to it.
Jim, please, one more visit.
Just for tightening.
Sally, l'm sorry.
This is it.
End of the line.
All right.
l'll think of something.
l've got to.
Look, Sally, you know l'd like to help you, but with the auditors coming in, l've got to balance the books.
-Good afternoon, sir.
May l help you? -l'd like to cash this cheque.
-Payroll cheque? -Yes, l'm with the Lerman tyre company.
At least l used to be.
l just got laid off today.
Well, since this is your first time here, can l see some identification, Mr Twice? Yeah, sure.
Here's my driver's licence.
Do you have two major credit cards? Thumbprint here, please.
Now stand on that line and look directly into the camera.
Thank you.
Now look to your left and cough.
And again.
Now, spread your toes, please.
And the other foot.
Thank you.
Come and see us anytime, Mr Twice.
Thanks.
Sally! Sally! My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin, Detective Lieutenant, PoIice Squad, a speciaI detaiI of the poIice department.
There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion modeIs found naked and unconscious in Laundromats on the West Side.
UnfortunateIy, I was assigned to investigate hoId-ups at neighbourhood credit unions.
I was across town doing my Iaundry when I heard their caII on the doubIe kiIIing.
It took me 20 minutes to get there.
My boss was aIready on the scene.
An attempted hold-up, Frank.
Cashier's the only witness.
According to her, the gunman shot the teller, she grabbed the gun and shot the hold-up man.
lt's the same M.
O.
as the others.
lt could be, but this one has an interesting wrinkle.
The gunman, Twice, is a good family man with no prior record.
-Could l talk to her? -Sure.
This is Sally Decker, Frank.
-Hello, Miss Decker.
-Hello.
l'm Captain Frank Drebin.
l understand you've had a pretty rough time.
Yeah, it was pretty bad.
-Cigarette? -Yes, l know.
Well.
-Do you feel up to any questions? -l'll try.
Where were you when all this happened? l was right here at my desk, working.
And when was the first time you noticed something was wrong? Well, when l first heard the shot, and as l turned, Jim fell.
He's the teller, Frank.
-What, Jim Fell's the teller? -No, Jim Johnson.
-Who's Jim Fell? -He's the auditor, Frank.
-He had the flu, so Jim filled in.
-Phil who? Phil Din.
He's the night watchman, Frank.
lf only Phil had been here.
Now wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.
Twice came in and shot the teller and Jim Fell.
No, he only shot the teller, Jim Johnson.
Fell is ill.
Okay, then after he shot the teller, you shot Twice.
No, l only shot once.
Twice is the hold-up man.
-Then l guess l did shoot Twice.
-So now you're changing your story.
-No, l shot Twice after Jim fell.
-You shot Twice and Jim Fell? No, Jim fell first, and then l shot Twice once.
-Who fired twice? -Once.
He's the owner of the tyre company, Frank.
Okay.
Wunce is the owner of the tyre company and he fired Twice.
-Then, Twice shot the teller once.
-Twice.
-And Jim fell and then you fired twice.
-Once.
Okay, all right, that'll be all for now, Miss Decker.
Now, we'll need you to make a formal statement down at the station.
-Of course.
-You've been very helpful.
-We think we know how he did it.
-Howie couldn't have done it.
He hasn't been in for weeks.
Well.
Thank you again, Miss Decker.
-Weeks? -Sol Weeks.
He's the controller, Frank.
SaIIy Decker toId a convincing story.
I thought she wouId make a good witness if the case ever came to triaI.
But somehow, something didn't sit right.
I drove back to PoIice Squad to see what Homicide and the Iab boys had picked up.
So, Billy, when the moisture in the air comes in contact with the cold pitcher it forms water droplets, what we call ''condensation.
'' Just like on your mother when she gets out of the shower, glistening with tiny little beads of Oh, hi, Frank.
That'll be all for today, Billy.
Next week, we'll look into some interesting experiments we can do with discarded swimwear.
Thanks, Mr Olson.
Bye.
-You come up with anything, Ted? -Well, we got the coroner's report on the depth of penetration of the bullet in Jim Johnson's body.
lf the hold-up man had been where Sally Decker said, the bullet should have penetrated deeper.
Let me show you what we did.
These guns are identical to the one that killed Jim Johnson.
Watch carefully as l test fire this gun into these videotapes of Barbara Walters interviews.
As you can see, it completely destroys the Burt Reynolds interview.
And everything from Bo Derek to Paul Newman.
But only up to the point where Barbara asks him, ''ls it difficult to love?'' Now let me show you what happens when the gun is fired from three feet.
Which is the distance Sally claimed the shots were fired from.
Notice? Complete destruction.
Right up to the point where she asked Katharine Hepburn what kind of tree she'd like to be.
Our next stop was a neighbourhood known as LittIe ItaIy.
A criminaI investigation seIdom foIIows a straightforward, cIear-cut course.
This one was obviousIy no exception.
I feIt we had to taIk with RaIph Twice's widow to see how much she knew.
Please go away.
Please go away.
l don't want to answer any more of your questions.
We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs Twice.
We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.
Ralph was such a good man.
Who could have done such a horrible thing? Did he owe any money? Doctor bills? Gambling debts? Book-of-the-month club? No, nothing.
Just two more payments on our solar telescope.
Oh, poor Ralph.
Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for 1 4 years? No, l can't say that l do.
l did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years.
Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos, people didn't understand.
Ran him out of town like a common pigmy.
-Did he have any enemies? -Well, the Democrats didn't like him.
Sure, he was a physical education major, but he had a mind.
He could think.
He wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs.
He got married, you know, later, had three kids.
Never cared for her.
Sent a nice gift, never got a note.
Now, l know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop suey? -Why, no.
No, he never did.
-lt was just a hunch.
l told him she was wrong.
And that youngest boy, just like his father, football hero.
Lived with him for a year.
lt wasn't the same.
-Can't go back.
-Oh, poor Ralph.
And what about my daughter? What am l gonna tell her? Yeah, you're gonna have to tell her something.
-Tell her he went on a long trip.
-Tell her Wait a minute.
How about a big monster came and took him to Daddy Heaven? -Nah.
-What about this? He threw himself on a grenade to save the battalion? Yeah, that's it.
No, no, wait a minute.
He was killed by left wing insurgents from Paraguay.
No, Bolivia! l got it.
l got He was traded to the Cubs for Reggie Jackson.
No further progress was made in the next 10 hours.
The foIIowing morning, I reported back to PoIice Squad.
About 10:00, SaIIy Decker dictated a formaI statement.
She said the hoId-up man had come in once before, to extort protection money.
-Something new? -Nothing.
-Anything here? -Not until we get the lab reports.
l got them right here, Chief.
Reports on our APB, negative.
R and l rundown on Twice, negative.
Fingerprint identification, negative.
lf he was crooked, he sure had a lot of people fooled.
What about the final autopsy report on Johnson and Twice? -They should rest in peace.
-Yeah, anything unusual there? Yeah, take a look at that section on bullet penetration.
According to this, the bullet canals in both bodies took an upward course.
And they were standing face to face.
Just a few feet apart.
Get me Pete Preussing at Homicide.
Tell him l want to meet him and a few of his men down at the Acme Credit Union.
Right away, sir.
Now, Preussing, move closer, slowly.
All right, that's it.
This is the approximate distance the two men were apart when the shots were fired.
Now, McBeen, you're gonna be the teller.
Preussing, you're Ralph Twice.
The tape indicates the path the bullet took.
All right.
Hold-up man enters, demands money and fires.
I spent most of the afternoon trying to determine the possibIe angIes from which the buIIets might have been fired.
Re-enactment of a crime in this way can be a heIpfuI tooI in a criminaI investigation.
lf the teller had his back turned and then the gunman fired A ricochet.
After severaI hours, I had some interesting theories, but stiII nothing concIusive.
When my boss caIIed, I gave him the information, but I knew I needed more answers.
And I had an idea of where I couId get some.
-What's the word on the street, Johnny? -l don't know.
l hear a lot of things.
Pick a topic.
Do you know anything about the double killings at the Acme Credit Union? You're barking up the wrong tree with this Ralph Twice.
He's a good family man and makes a decent living.
Wasn't his fault he got fired from the tyre company.
But who could predict that Brazil would cut off the rubber supply? They're nationalising the industry in two weeks, so he would have gotten his job back anyway.
Now, Sally Decker, that's another story.
She used to be Joe Surlow's girl until she got involved in the numbers.
Before you knew it, she was up to her pretty little neck in penny-ante bunko scams.
Where do l locate this Surlow? He's working at this address.
Thanks, Johnny.
What do you know about life after death? l wouldn't know anything about it.
You talking existential being or anthropomorphic deity? After taking care of an urgent personaI matter, I proceeded directIy to the address that Johnny had given me.
It turned out to be one of those aII-night wicker pIaces.
SurIow had done some time years earIier for a minor offence.
He was one of those guys who had come up through the schooI of hard knocks.
EventuaIIy, he admitted that he and SaIIy had been Iong-time acquaintances.
She had come to him recentIy to ask for money to pay off an oraI debt.
The orthodontist needed the money.
SurIow had done what he couId for her.
FortunateIy, he had remembered the dentist's name, Dr Robert Zubatsky.
Zubatsky's office was Iocated in Fox Point Heights.
A fashionabIe area of town where foreign imports and two-martini Iunches were the order of the day.
His cIienteIe were the sons and daughters of the priviIeged.
I decided it might be a good time to have my teeth checked.
Mr Drebin, Dr Zubatsky will see you now.
That's the second door on your left, Mr Drebin.
You're next, Carl.
As soon as this impression is complete, we'll know a lot more, Mr Drebin.
Are those x-rays ready, Miss Frenzell? Yes, Doctor.
Would you like to take a look? Yes, l would.
All right, let's get started, shall we? Sally Decker? Sally Decker.
That name rings a bell.
No, l can't place it.
Look, l'm telling you, l don't know her.
All right, l know her.
She was a patient of mine.
Her lower left quadrant was all messed up, but so what? Okay, okay, now, look she's a good-looking dame.
We went out and had laughs, a couple of drinks, but that's the whole story.
Look, look, l don't need trouble.
l'll cooperate.
My God, you're an animal! l am not an animal! l am a human being! Zubatsky's information pointed in the same direction, SaIIy Decker.
The pieces were now coming together, but they stiII weren't enough.
We needed something more for a conviction.
I stopped back at PoIice Squad to set the trap.
When I got to the eIevator, my boss was aIready on the scene.
Any luck with the dentist, Frank? Sally paid him up in full, one day after the double killing and theft.
-How do you know that? -Went through his files.
Sally was seeing Zubatsky, six years, maybe seven.
Eight times a year.
Always in arrears.
Then suddenly, 24 hours after the killing, she's paid up in full.
Well, it looks like she's in this thing up to her pretty little ears.
-Was the dentist cooperative? -Yeah, he gave us plenty of rope.
Now we have to see if we can get Sally to stick her head into the noose.
Yeah.
HeIIo? Hello, Sally, this is Dr Zubatsky.
I need to taIk to you.
Sorry, B.
Z.
, we're through.
l paid you in full.
l made an appointment with another orthodontist.
That's right, SaIIy.
You did pay me.
I have the money right here.
Fresh from the mint, traceable.
You wanna taIk? Yeah, okay, you win.
Half an hour.
Corner of Cherry and Galena.
What was the phoney phone call about? Just socialising.
Talked to our little friend, Sally Decker.
Outside of the fact that she paid off the dentist, we still have no real proof and no motive.
Well, l say dipping into the till for $1 ,200 is a pretty good motive.
-Not enough, Frank.
We'll need more.
-Don't worry.
l got a date with her.
Frank, one thing.
Now, if you're right, she's already killed two men.
You'd better watch your step.
-Sergeant Drebin! -Hello, Sally, you waiting for someone? l was just about to leave.
Yeah, that's the trouble with doctors.
They always keep you waiting.
l don't know what you're talking about.
Come on over here and sit down.
l'll tell you.
l've been doing some checking up, Sally, and it doesn't add up.
-What do you mean, Lieutenant? -l don't think that Twice shot Johnson.
l don't understand.
l was there when it happened.
l think that you took the money, to pay your orthodontist.
-Captain Drebin! That just isn't true.
-You knew it was just a matter of time.
You knew that, until the payoff was discovered.
But that's impossible.
l haven't ever been involved in anything so heinous.
Yeah, that's right.
Sally Decker has no record.
But Sally was formerly Babs Caltrane.
Notorious gunrunner in Memphis.
Only difference is, Babs has red hair.
And before that, she was a brunette hit man named Zazu Pitts.
And before that, she sang backup for Aretha Franklin.
All right, Frank, did your research reveal that l did a stint with the marines and reupped? No, l can't say that it did.
SaIIy! SaIIy Decker! This is the poIice.
You are surrounded.
Throw down your gun and surrender.
You do not have a chance.
All right, Sally, you're under arrest.
Sergeant, take her away and book her.
Sergeant Takeraway.
Sergeant Booker.
Well, that was some pretty fancy police work, Frank.
l know you got Sally's record from R and l, but how did you know she handled the loan office heist? -Just a little hunch back at the office.
-Thought so.
l brought that little hunchback with me.
-Charlie, come out here.
-Charlie, good going.
-Hi, Frank.
-Hi, Ed.
Just got back from the arraignment.
Sally Decker's gonna have to get her teeth straightened -in the Statesville Prison from now on.
-Good.
And there'll be plenty of time to do it, too.
Got something on the side of your mouth, Al.
No, no, no, the other side.
You know, Frank, there's one thing l still don't understand.
Now, how did you know that the money Sally gave to Dr Zubatsky wasn't traceable? -l didn't.
-Yeah? But neither did Sally.
Be sure to tune in next week for another exciting story from the fiIes of Police Squad!