Porridge (1973) s01e01 Episode Script
New Faces, Old Hands
'Norman Stanley Fletcher, you have pleaded guilty to the charges.
'It is now my duty to pass sentence.
'You're an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest and imprisonment as occupational hazards.
'We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed.
'You will go to prison for five years.
' Three new arrivals, Mr Leach.
Heslop, Cyril.
41, three years, robbery.
Thick as two short planks.
Godber, Leonard.
23, first offender, breaking and entering.
Could be corrupted, possibly by this one - Fletcher, Norman Stanley.
42, five years.
I brought him up from Brixton.
Knows the score, sir.
Done a lot of bird.
Water off a duck's back.
I'll be watching that one! What a beautiful day for the time of year! Quite astonishing.
Beautiful day.
Oh, lovely! Perhaps we can go out later on for a cycle ride(!) You know the saying about New Year's Day? Whatever you do then, you'll do all the year round.
In your case, that's powerfully true.
You, laddy! You, Mr Godber! First time, isn't it? You must be wondering what a prison day is like.
Tell him, Fletcher.
Exactly like the day before.
The voice of experience! And tell him how the average day begins.
You'll be woken by a deafening bell at 7am.
Then all the screws come Pardon?! The prison officers come Better! .
.
offering advice like, "Wakey, wakey! Get your socks on!" We reply to this with remarks like, "Gracious me, is that the time?" And, "Who's been having your old lady while you've been on night duty?" Very comical, Fletcher! Very comical! 8 o'clock, slop up.
8.
10, breakfast.
8.
15, return to cell.
9 o'clock Yes, Fletcher? 9am, slop out again, followed by work till 11.
15 When we exercise! Walking in pairs, no conversing with the pairs in front or behind.
This is followed by the highlight of the day.
Quiet, Fletcher! I'm asking Heslop.
Who? Heslop, you've been inside.
What is the highlight of the day? Visiting hours? We're in Cumberland, man! Cumberland! A wild, windswept fell, north of the Pennines.
We are two weeks from Euston.
When you see your loved ones, it will be the highlight of the year! Glad you come? Cos he's gonna be going on Fletcher! Sir! Highlight of the day?! Dinner, sir! Which is? Nourishing.
Is it not? Can't wait(!) Twelve o'clock, midday bang-up.
Not what you think, laddy! Not what you think! You go back to your cell.
13.
00, slop out.
Work, tea, evening association - in principle you can follow a range of activities.
In practice this means television or Ping-Pong.
Telly! Only till seven.
It's only news and kids' stuff! If you like Z-Cars, forget it! You'll have to get your kicks from the Wombles of bleeding Wimbledon! 7.
30, slop out, supper.
7.
45, lights out.
Any questions? Any point? None whatsoever.
At ease! So this is Colditz.
Compared with this place, Colditz was a doddle! A load of public schoolboys digging tunnels and playing leapfrog! No, this is a nick.
Didn't you hear him? Slop out, exercise, work, tea, exercise, work, slop out, lights out.
Lights go out at 7.
45 here.
In Colditz they're brewing cocoa and starting the pillow fights! KNOCK ON DOOR Come in! Oh, sorry! Godber! Who said you could smoke?! Did I say you could smoke?! He doesn't want you to smoke.
I was trying to give up anyway.
I'll help.
I'm leaving you now with Mr Barrowclough.
Oh, and one more thing.
Nice to have you with us.
My wife was coming next week! Who said that? He said once a year! Oh? My wife was coming next week! Staying overnight with a cousin in Barrow-in-Furness.
It's not fair if she stays there indefinitely! Is staying in Barrow-in-Furness fair on anyone?! Heslop! Sir! Step up here, please.
Now, Christian names? Cyril.
Date of birth? First of April, 1933.
First of April! Hey What? What's happening now? Oh, we're about to be dehumanised.
They'll take away our possessions, give us a number and a medical.
We get a bath in six inches of water.
Watch out for the bathhouse cleaners.
Why? A load of trusty poofs work in the bathhouse! You know all the form! Have you been here before? No, but they're all the same.
First time for me.
Don't know how I'll get through.
Could be worse.
The state this country's in, you could be free! Stuck outside with no work and a crumbling economy! Nothing to do but go to bed and increase the population.
Won't be doing that for a while.
No, that's true.
It's a tasteless joke, that, innit? I'll feel deprived.
My fiancee, Denise, was very active in that direction.
Have to drink a lot of tea, won't you? What good's a cup of tea gonna do? It's what they put in it, innit?! What? Something to moderate your memories of Denise.
I don't drink tea.
Oh, Gawd! You are in trouble, aren't you?! So is the chap you share a cell with an' all! I'll throw meself into me mailbags! Do they do that here? Depends.
Oh, dear! Look at him! Little Red Riding-Socks! 'Ere, I tell you what.
A word of advice.
What you tell 'em now conditions how tolerable your life will be.
If you fancy a nice, cosy job, like in the kitchen, you've got to invent a new career.
I see.
You see Let's have one of you! Hang on.
Two choc-ices, please.
It's Fletcher, isn't it?! That's right.
Christian names? Norman Stanley.
Date of birth? 2.
2.
32.
Next of kin? Isabel, the little woman - not that she's so little.
I said to her the other day, "I'll never get over you.
"I'll have to get up and go round!" Address? 107, Alexandra Park Crescent, N5.
Occupation? Librarian during the day.
The day? Yeah.
At night I was a chef.
Put me down for the library OR the kitchen.
Good morning, Governor.
I'm not sure it is.
What's wrong? It's my four-eyed butterfly fish.
Four eyes, eh? Is THAT the one with four eyes? No, it's just CALLED that! Chaetodon capistratus! Look - there he is.
Oh.
Poorly, is he, sir? You noticed.
I assumed from your demeanour, sir.
Yes.
Well, I'm afraid, Mr Mackay, he may have developed fin rot.
Oh, dear.
Or lymphocystis.
Oh, dear, dear.
It's contagious.
I'll have to isolate him.
Much as I've had to do with Evans.
Evans? I had to isolate him again.
What's he done now? He's been eating light bulbs.
Did he say why he was eating light bulbs?! He said it was because he couldn't get razor-blades.
What did you do? Locked him in his cell, having removed the light bulb.
Is the MO free? He's with the new arrivals, but I could hurry them up.
As quickly as possible.
This is very urgent.
I'll get Evans now.
Not Evans! I mean here! Here? Fin rot can be fatal, Mr Mackay.
Oh, the fish! Right! Here, when you see the doctor, tell him you've got bad feet.
Why? You might get your brothel creepers back.
Otherwise you'll get prison boots, which will give you bad feet anyway.
What are YOU laughing at? That's true! I don't mean that! I mean it's funny about your wife being big and you having to get up and go round! Oh, yeah! Yeah, thanks.
He in for long, is he? Remember about your feet.
What religion are you? C of E, I suppose.
That's no good! Everybody's C of E! You don't get perks with that! If you say you're a Sikh, you can grow your hair.
Or if you're a Muslim, you're allowed special food.
I don't like Chinese food.
It's not Chinese - Muslims aren't Chinese! What's Muslim food then? Well, it's a damn sight better than the rubbish you get in here, innit?! Otherwise Muslims wouldn't eat it, would they? Or you could say you was Jewish.
Jews get special food too.
Yeah, say you're Jewish.
Oh, no, you can't.
The doctor will examine you and spot the evidence.
Evidence? Yeah Mind you, with Jews the evidence is only CIRCUMSTANTIAL, innit? They've been CIRCUMSTANTED, right? DOCTOR COUGHS AND MUTTERS Pardon? COUGHING: Nothing.
I'm the medical officer.
That's very reassuring(!) I've got to give you a stringent medical.
We have to know your medical history and state of health.
Right, Fletcher.
Ever had crabs? No.
No, I don't eat seafood.
Lice? No.
VD? No.
Suffer from any illness? Bad feet.
Suffer from any illness? Bad feet! Paid a recent visit to a doctor or a hospital? Only with me bad feet.
Are you or have you ever been a practising homosexual? What, with THESE feet?! Who'd have me? Right - you're A1.
A1?! Hang on! I can hardly walk, Doctor! Everyone in this prison is trying to pull something - lying about their feet, their eyesight or their teeth.
On top of that, the Governor's got fin rot.
He's got what rot? Fish.
Tropical bloody fish! Oh! Interest of his, is it, fish? Obsession.
Oh That and pigs.
Oh, yeah? Yeah He started a prison farm to indulge his interest in livestock.
It's the rest of us who have to look after it.
Yeah? His pigs and his fish and his pet Jersey cow I'm a man of medicine, not a vet! Half the pills here are for animals! I gave a prisoner with earache pills to dry up his milk! Oh, dear! You must be run off your feet.
Yes.
Lucky they're not bad like mine! You're A1, I told you.
Fill one of those flasks for me.
From here?! Behind the screen.
Oh, yes.
Right, Heslop.
You didn't pull that one! What? Prison shoes! All right, Sonny Jim! Lose a few! I learnt something there about the Governor.
He likes tropical fish.
That's another priority - know your governor.
Fletcher What? What does he mean by practising homosexual? One who ain't quite got it right yet! Will we eat with the others tonight? Don't be in a hurry to move in with the other lot.
They're a bunch of criminals! Don't eat too much of this or you'll dull your palate for tonight's piece de resistance.
What's it likely to be? Lumpy and lukewarm.
I told you to say you was a Muslim! Sheep's eyes! Where? Sheep's eyes! What Muslims eat! Figs, desert and things! Oh, yeah.
Thank you, Lawrence of Arabia(!) Why didn't you put down Muslim? I'll be working in the kitchen.
They haven't allocated us jobs yet.
I know, but you see that tall screw - looks like Arthur Askey on stilts - he's putty in me hands.
He'll see me all right.
How come? I came up from Brixton handcuffed to him.
You're bound to establish a rapport on a long trip.
Especially when you go to the lavatory! A sense of humour! That'll come in handy during your next two years.
Two years! I'll go out of me mind.
You have to remember who you once was.
Just retain a bit of it intact up here.
Don't be bitter or try to screw the system, cos it'll only screw you.
Just keep your nose clean and do your porridge.
OK? I'm only here due to tragic circumstances.
Which were? I got caught.
We've all suffered tragedies like that.
My fiancee's got this flat.
Well, it's her mam's.
Very nice - overlooks the M6.
Lovely.
I thought I'd get her some nice things for it - from nearby flats.
I did the flat next door, cos I knew he'd be driving to Brussels.
But he got a puncture near Coventry and came home and kicked me head in.
Ramsgate! What? Took the wife.
Took the wife where, Mr Heslop?! To see Lawrence of Arabia! It was raining.
Couldn't go on the beach.
Took her to the pictures.
Rains a lot in Ramsgate.
Rained the next day! I told you! She'd seen the other film, so we had to come home.
Although we did stop for a cup of tea - at her sister's in Sidcup! Why don't you put that on a postcard and send it to Tony Blackburn's Magic Moments? What? Not sharing with you two, I'll miss your intellectual conversation.
Won't we be together? No, I'll have me own cell! I don't like sharing.
I don't like dominoes and people's sweaty feet.
I'D like my own cell, so I can study.
Oh? I've already got O-level geography.
That'll be handy! You're bound to be on the escape party, cos you'll know the way to Carlisle station! Geography's very interesting.
I know, but you can't use it, can you? You only learn geography to teach another person geography.
What use is knowing the capital of Siam, or what an isthmus is? They said I could learn a trade.
Yeah, in theory.
You can come out of here with a diploma in an occupation like house decorating.
Or you can become a welder.
There's a RIVETING profession.
Get it? What? Never mind.
Won't I be able to learn a trade then? Well, there's a lot of things you CAN learn in here, like stealing a car, forging a bank-note I was in Maidstone with Charlie Mossop, a first offender.
When he came out he was a brilliant forger.
He only went in for reckless driving! I'm fed up with crime.
I want to go straight.
How old are you, son? 23.
23 and you want to go straight?! What kind of talk is that? You've got your whole life before you.
What's an isthmus? Eh? An isthmus is a thing in geography, all right? It's a geographical thing.
It's a strip of land.
A strip of land, OK? Education! I'm not saying don't put down for educational classes.
I'M putting down for current affairs and pottery.
You get an hour in a warm classroom and maybe a lady teacher.
See a bit of thigh when she drops her chalk.
Nothing wrong with education, mate.
Fag? Ta.
'Ere! We're not being rude.
It's just that snout's like gold here.
You was mad to give us them! But you took 'em! Of course! You've got to learn the hard way, haven't you?! You're not Paul Getty! Just light one and share it round.
That's the idea.
Drink up, lads! What's next? We've got to see the Governor.
Clear all this up and put that fag out.
Oh.
All right.
Waste not, want not! 'Ere! I said you've got to learn the hard way! Clear up and clear off.
Erdid you manage to get what I asked for? There wasn't much in the library - just this booklet, "Know Your Tropical Fish".
Oh, that's nice.
It's a hobby of mine.
Oh, it's the Governor's hobby too.
Really?! I'd never have guessed.
He likes all animals.
He's on the local committee of the RSPCA.
I think he'd be better off running a zoo.
Caged animals, you see.
We're all the same.
Talking of cages, I must be on me own, cos I don't like sharing.
This boy's OK, but he sniffs a lot.
Heslop's not on my intellectual level.
I don't think he's on anybody's level.
If the Governor did start a zoo, HE'D be in it! "What's an isthmus?!" Fletcher, you've got to understand that I'm a prison officer and you're a prisoner.
You must recognise that relationship.
I'm not here to be cajoled or coerced into doing whatever you want! Of course not! Would I ever?! Well, as long as that's clearly understood.
Yes.
Come on now! Speed up! Pick your legs up in front! Cobblers.
Let them in, Mr Barrowclough! Lead in, Fletcher! Left, right, left! Stand in front of the Governor! Stomach in, chest out! Fletcher, Godber, Heslop, sir.
Thank you.
Now you men have been sent here for varying offences and sentences.
This is not a top-grade security prison.
You are C-class prisoners.
But if any of you abuse the less stringent security measures here, you will find that we are on you like a ton of Fletcher! Are you listening? Face the front! I couldn't help noticing your tropical fish.
It's a hobby of mine.
Really? All right! Sorry, Mr Mackay, but there's one thing bothering me.
What is bothering you? I think your four-eyed butterfly fish has got a touch of fin rot, sir.
You're crafty, you are.
Hang on a minute.
I'm reading a report the Governor lent me.
He fell for your interest in animals! I told you what you said today would condition how your life here would be.
I think my O-level impressed him.
On your feet, lads! It's been an exciting day! Godber, your shoes, by courtesy of the MO.
How did you work that? I said I had flat feet.
Which he believed.
Godber still has some credibility.
Now, we're going to break you up.
One of you is moving to a single.
Quite right.
Not so fast, Fletcher.
Eh? Godber, get your things.
Godber?! He's gonna have a cell on his own?! The Governor thought it would be easier to study.
I didn't fancy sharing - no offence.
Are you gonna leave me here with the Brain of Britain?! All right! There'll be three of you.
We're moving Evans in here.
Not Evans?! Not that Welsh lunatic who eats electric light bulbs?! Only when he can't get razor-blades.
Oh, dear.
Permission to grow a beard? Jobs - kitchen - Godber.
Oh, that'll be nice - all warm, and second helpings.
Library - Heslop.
Library?! Him?! He's illiterate! Look here! I read a book once! Green, it was.
See what I mean? Listen, why has HE got the kitchen? He should be breaking rocks, first go.
This is victimisation! Look, I'm an old hand.
I should have a job befitting my seniority.
Special duties! What? Special duties.
Who's the Governor's blue-eyed boy? Oh, THEM special duties! Well, we did establish a certain rapport.
It was cemented by our interest in all creatures bright and beautiful.
You're the man he's been waiting for.
That's all right then! Kitchen - Godber.
Eat your heart out! Green! Morning, Fletcher.
Morning, sir.
I like to place a man in a job where he gets fulfilment.
Fulfilment? Yes.
Thank you, sir.
Did you finish that article in the Farmer's Weekly? No, I didn't, sir.
I would have done, only Evans ate it.
BBC - 1992
'It is now my duty to pass sentence.
'You're an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest and imprisonment as occupational hazards.
'We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed.
'You will go to prison for five years.
' Three new arrivals, Mr Leach.
Heslop, Cyril.
41, three years, robbery.
Thick as two short planks.
Godber, Leonard.
23, first offender, breaking and entering.
Could be corrupted, possibly by this one - Fletcher, Norman Stanley.
42, five years.
I brought him up from Brixton.
Knows the score, sir.
Done a lot of bird.
Water off a duck's back.
I'll be watching that one! What a beautiful day for the time of year! Quite astonishing.
Beautiful day.
Oh, lovely! Perhaps we can go out later on for a cycle ride(!) You know the saying about New Year's Day? Whatever you do then, you'll do all the year round.
In your case, that's powerfully true.
You, laddy! You, Mr Godber! First time, isn't it? You must be wondering what a prison day is like.
Tell him, Fletcher.
Exactly like the day before.
The voice of experience! And tell him how the average day begins.
You'll be woken by a deafening bell at 7am.
Then all the screws come Pardon?! The prison officers come Better! .
.
offering advice like, "Wakey, wakey! Get your socks on!" We reply to this with remarks like, "Gracious me, is that the time?" And, "Who's been having your old lady while you've been on night duty?" Very comical, Fletcher! Very comical! 8 o'clock, slop up.
8.
10, breakfast.
8.
15, return to cell.
9 o'clock Yes, Fletcher? 9am, slop out again, followed by work till 11.
15 When we exercise! Walking in pairs, no conversing with the pairs in front or behind.
This is followed by the highlight of the day.
Quiet, Fletcher! I'm asking Heslop.
Who? Heslop, you've been inside.
What is the highlight of the day? Visiting hours? We're in Cumberland, man! Cumberland! A wild, windswept fell, north of the Pennines.
We are two weeks from Euston.
When you see your loved ones, it will be the highlight of the year! Glad you come? Cos he's gonna be going on Fletcher! Sir! Highlight of the day?! Dinner, sir! Which is? Nourishing.
Is it not? Can't wait(!) Twelve o'clock, midday bang-up.
Not what you think, laddy! Not what you think! You go back to your cell.
13.
00, slop out.
Work, tea, evening association - in principle you can follow a range of activities.
In practice this means television or Ping-Pong.
Telly! Only till seven.
It's only news and kids' stuff! If you like Z-Cars, forget it! You'll have to get your kicks from the Wombles of bleeding Wimbledon! 7.
30, slop out, supper.
7.
45, lights out.
Any questions? Any point? None whatsoever.
At ease! So this is Colditz.
Compared with this place, Colditz was a doddle! A load of public schoolboys digging tunnels and playing leapfrog! No, this is a nick.
Didn't you hear him? Slop out, exercise, work, tea, exercise, work, slop out, lights out.
Lights go out at 7.
45 here.
In Colditz they're brewing cocoa and starting the pillow fights! KNOCK ON DOOR Come in! Oh, sorry! Godber! Who said you could smoke?! Did I say you could smoke?! He doesn't want you to smoke.
I was trying to give up anyway.
I'll help.
I'm leaving you now with Mr Barrowclough.
Oh, and one more thing.
Nice to have you with us.
My wife was coming next week! Who said that? He said once a year! Oh? My wife was coming next week! Staying overnight with a cousin in Barrow-in-Furness.
It's not fair if she stays there indefinitely! Is staying in Barrow-in-Furness fair on anyone?! Heslop! Sir! Step up here, please.
Now, Christian names? Cyril.
Date of birth? First of April, 1933.
First of April! Hey What? What's happening now? Oh, we're about to be dehumanised.
They'll take away our possessions, give us a number and a medical.
We get a bath in six inches of water.
Watch out for the bathhouse cleaners.
Why? A load of trusty poofs work in the bathhouse! You know all the form! Have you been here before? No, but they're all the same.
First time for me.
Don't know how I'll get through.
Could be worse.
The state this country's in, you could be free! Stuck outside with no work and a crumbling economy! Nothing to do but go to bed and increase the population.
Won't be doing that for a while.
No, that's true.
It's a tasteless joke, that, innit? I'll feel deprived.
My fiancee, Denise, was very active in that direction.
Have to drink a lot of tea, won't you? What good's a cup of tea gonna do? It's what they put in it, innit?! What? Something to moderate your memories of Denise.
I don't drink tea.
Oh, Gawd! You are in trouble, aren't you?! So is the chap you share a cell with an' all! I'll throw meself into me mailbags! Do they do that here? Depends.
Oh, dear! Look at him! Little Red Riding-Socks! 'Ere, I tell you what.
A word of advice.
What you tell 'em now conditions how tolerable your life will be.
If you fancy a nice, cosy job, like in the kitchen, you've got to invent a new career.
I see.
You see Let's have one of you! Hang on.
Two choc-ices, please.
It's Fletcher, isn't it?! That's right.
Christian names? Norman Stanley.
Date of birth? 2.
2.
32.
Next of kin? Isabel, the little woman - not that she's so little.
I said to her the other day, "I'll never get over you.
"I'll have to get up and go round!" Address? 107, Alexandra Park Crescent, N5.
Occupation? Librarian during the day.
The day? Yeah.
At night I was a chef.
Put me down for the library OR the kitchen.
Good morning, Governor.
I'm not sure it is.
What's wrong? It's my four-eyed butterfly fish.
Four eyes, eh? Is THAT the one with four eyes? No, it's just CALLED that! Chaetodon capistratus! Look - there he is.
Oh.
Poorly, is he, sir? You noticed.
I assumed from your demeanour, sir.
Yes.
Well, I'm afraid, Mr Mackay, he may have developed fin rot.
Oh, dear.
Or lymphocystis.
Oh, dear, dear.
It's contagious.
I'll have to isolate him.
Much as I've had to do with Evans.
Evans? I had to isolate him again.
What's he done now? He's been eating light bulbs.
Did he say why he was eating light bulbs?! He said it was because he couldn't get razor-blades.
What did you do? Locked him in his cell, having removed the light bulb.
Is the MO free? He's with the new arrivals, but I could hurry them up.
As quickly as possible.
This is very urgent.
I'll get Evans now.
Not Evans! I mean here! Here? Fin rot can be fatal, Mr Mackay.
Oh, the fish! Right! Here, when you see the doctor, tell him you've got bad feet.
Why? You might get your brothel creepers back.
Otherwise you'll get prison boots, which will give you bad feet anyway.
What are YOU laughing at? That's true! I don't mean that! I mean it's funny about your wife being big and you having to get up and go round! Oh, yeah! Yeah, thanks.
He in for long, is he? Remember about your feet.
What religion are you? C of E, I suppose.
That's no good! Everybody's C of E! You don't get perks with that! If you say you're a Sikh, you can grow your hair.
Or if you're a Muslim, you're allowed special food.
I don't like Chinese food.
It's not Chinese - Muslims aren't Chinese! What's Muslim food then? Well, it's a damn sight better than the rubbish you get in here, innit?! Otherwise Muslims wouldn't eat it, would they? Or you could say you was Jewish.
Jews get special food too.
Yeah, say you're Jewish.
Oh, no, you can't.
The doctor will examine you and spot the evidence.
Evidence? Yeah Mind you, with Jews the evidence is only CIRCUMSTANTIAL, innit? They've been CIRCUMSTANTED, right? DOCTOR COUGHS AND MUTTERS Pardon? COUGHING: Nothing.
I'm the medical officer.
That's very reassuring(!) I've got to give you a stringent medical.
We have to know your medical history and state of health.
Right, Fletcher.
Ever had crabs? No.
No, I don't eat seafood.
Lice? No.
VD? No.
Suffer from any illness? Bad feet.
Suffer from any illness? Bad feet! Paid a recent visit to a doctor or a hospital? Only with me bad feet.
Are you or have you ever been a practising homosexual? What, with THESE feet?! Who'd have me? Right - you're A1.
A1?! Hang on! I can hardly walk, Doctor! Everyone in this prison is trying to pull something - lying about their feet, their eyesight or their teeth.
On top of that, the Governor's got fin rot.
He's got what rot? Fish.
Tropical bloody fish! Oh! Interest of his, is it, fish? Obsession.
Oh That and pigs.
Oh, yeah? Yeah He started a prison farm to indulge his interest in livestock.
It's the rest of us who have to look after it.
Yeah? His pigs and his fish and his pet Jersey cow I'm a man of medicine, not a vet! Half the pills here are for animals! I gave a prisoner with earache pills to dry up his milk! Oh, dear! You must be run off your feet.
Yes.
Lucky they're not bad like mine! You're A1, I told you.
Fill one of those flasks for me.
From here?! Behind the screen.
Oh, yes.
Right, Heslop.
You didn't pull that one! What? Prison shoes! All right, Sonny Jim! Lose a few! I learnt something there about the Governor.
He likes tropical fish.
That's another priority - know your governor.
Fletcher What? What does he mean by practising homosexual? One who ain't quite got it right yet! Will we eat with the others tonight? Don't be in a hurry to move in with the other lot.
They're a bunch of criminals! Don't eat too much of this or you'll dull your palate for tonight's piece de resistance.
What's it likely to be? Lumpy and lukewarm.
I told you to say you was a Muslim! Sheep's eyes! Where? Sheep's eyes! What Muslims eat! Figs, desert and things! Oh, yeah.
Thank you, Lawrence of Arabia(!) Why didn't you put down Muslim? I'll be working in the kitchen.
They haven't allocated us jobs yet.
I know, but you see that tall screw - looks like Arthur Askey on stilts - he's putty in me hands.
He'll see me all right.
How come? I came up from Brixton handcuffed to him.
You're bound to establish a rapport on a long trip.
Especially when you go to the lavatory! A sense of humour! That'll come in handy during your next two years.
Two years! I'll go out of me mind.
You have to remember who you once was.
Just retain a bit of it intact up here.
Don't be bitter or try to screw the system, cos it'll only screw you.
Just keep your nose clean and do your porridge.
OK? I'm only here due to tragic circumstances.
Which were? I got caught.
We've all suffered tragedies like that.
My fiancee's got this flat.
Well, it's her mam's.
Very nice - overlooks the M6.
Lovely.
I thought I'd get her some nice things for it - from nearby flats.
I did the flat next door, cos I knew he'd be driving to Brussels.
But he got a puncture near Coventry and came home and kicked me head in.
Ramsgate! What? Took the wife.
Took the wife where, Mr Heslop?! To see Lawrence of Arabia! It was raining.
Couldn't go on the beach.
Took her to the pictures.
Rains a lot in Ramsgate.
Rained the next day! I told you! She'd seen the other film, so we had to come home.
Although we did stop for a cup of tea - at her sister's in Sidcup! Why don't you put that on a postcard and send it to Tony Blackburn's Magic Moments? What? Not sharing with you two, I'll miss your intellectual conversation.
Won't we be together? No, I'll have me own cell! I don't like sharing.
I don't like dominoes and people's sweaty feet.
I'D like my own cell, so I can study.
Oh? I've already got O-level geography.
That'll be handy! You're bound to be on the escape party, cos you'll know the way to Carlisle station! Geography's very interesting.
I know, but you can't use it, can you? You only learn geography to teach another person geography.
What use is knowing the capital of Siam, or what an isthmus is? They said I could learn a trade.
Yeah, in theory.
You can come out of here with a diploma in an occupation like house decorating.
Or you can become a welder.
There's a RIVETING profession.
Get it? What? Never mind.
Won't I be able to learn a trade then? Well, there's a lot of things you CAN learn in here, like stealing a car, forging a bank-note I was in Maidstone with Charlie Mossop, a first offender.
When he came out he was a brilliant forger.
He only went in for reckless driving! I'm fed up with crime.
I want to go straight.
How old are you, son? 23.
23 and you want to go straight?! What kind of talk is that? You've got your whole life before you.
What's an isthmus? Eh? An isthmus is a thing in geography, all right? It's a geographical thing.
It's a strip of land.
A strip of land, OK? Education! I'm not saying don't put down for educational classes.
I'M putting down for current affairs and pottery.
You get an hour in a warm classroom and maybe a lady teacher.
See a bit of thigh when she drops her chalk.
Nothing wrong with education, mate.
Fag? Ta.
'Ere! We're not being rude.
It's just that snout's like gold here.
You was mad to give us them! But you took 'em! Of course! You've got to learn the hard way, haven't you?! You're not Paul Getty! Just light one and share it round.
That's the idea.
Drink up, lads! What's next? We've got to see the Governor.
Clear all this up and put that fag out.
Oh.
All right.
Waste not, want not! 'Ere! I said you've got to learn the hard way! Clear up and clear off.
Erdid you manage to get what I asked for? There wasn't much in the library - just this booklet, "Know Your Tropical Fish".
Oh, that's nice.
It's a hobby of mine.
Oh, it's the Governor's hobby too.
Really?! I'd never have guessed.
He likes all animals.
He's on the local committee of the RSPCA.
I think he'd be better off running a zoo.
Caged animals, you see.
We're all the same.
Talking of cages, I must be on me own, cos I don't like sharing.
This boy's OK, but he sniffs a lot.
Heslop's not on my intellectual level.
I don't think he's on anybody's level.
If the Governor did start a zoo, HE'D be in it! "What's an isthmus?!" Fletcher, you've got to understand that I'm a prison officer and you're a prisoner.
You must recognise that relationship.
I'm not here to be cajoled or coerced into doing whatever you want! Of course not! Would I ever?! Well, as long as that's clearly understood.
Yes.
Come on now! Speed up! Pick your legs up in front! Cobblers.
Let them in, Mr Barrowclough! Lead in, Fletcher! Left, right, left! Stand in front of the Governor! Stomach in, chest out! Fletcher, Godber, Heslop, sir.
Thank you.
Now you men have been sent here for varying offences and sentences.
This is not a top-grade security prison.
You are C-class prisoners.
But if any of you abuse the less stringent security measures here, you will find that we are on you like a ton of Fletcher! Are you listening? Face the front! I couldn't help noticing your tropical fish.
It's a hobby of mine.
Really? All right! Sorry, Mr Mackay, but there's one thing bothering me.
What is bothering you? I think your four-eyed butterfly fish has got a touch of fin rot, sir.
You're crafty, you are.
Hang on a minute.
I'm reading a report the Governor lent me.
He fell for your interest in animals! I told you what you said today would condition how your life here would be.
I think my O-level impressed him.
On your feet, lads! It's been an exciting day! Godber, your shoes, by courtesy of the MO.
How did you work that? I said I had flat feet.
Which he believed.
Godber still has some credibility.
Now, we're going to break you up.
One of you is moving to a single.
Quite right.
Not so fast, Fletcher.
Eh? Godber, get your things.
Godber?! He's gonna have a cell on his own?! The Governor thought it would be easier to study.
I didn't fancy sharing - no offence.
Are you gonna leave me here with the Brain of Britain?! All right! There'll be three of you.
We're moving Evans in here.
Not Evans?! Not that Welsh lunatic who eats electric light bulbs?! Only when he can't get razor-blades.
Oh, dear.
Permission to grow a beard? Jobs - kitchen - Godber.
Oh, that'll be nice - all warm, and second helpings.
Library - Heslop.
Library?! Him?! He's illiterate! Look here! I read a book once! Green, it was.
See what I mean? Listen, why has HE got the kitchen? He should be breaking rocks, first go.
This is victimisation! Look, I'm an old hand.
I should have a job befitting my seniority.
Special duties! What? Special duties.
Who's the Governor's blue-eyed boy? Oh, THEM special duties! Well, we did establish a certain rapport.
It was cemented by our interest in all creatures bright and beautiful.
You're the man he's been waiting for.
That's all right then! Kitchen - Godber.
Eat your heart out! Green! Morning, Fletcher.
Morning, sir.
I like to place a man in a job where he gets fulfilment.
Fulfilment? Yes.
Thank you, sir.
Did you finish that article in the Farmer's Weekly? No, I didn't, sir.
I would have done, only Evans ate it.
BBC - 1992