Preacher (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [Fire whistle blows.]
[Baby crying.]
[Crying continues.]
Preacher: Something is coming.
War! - Oh, yes.
- Right and wrong, the light and the darkness are at it again.
[Indistinct shouting.]
But we are not afraid.
No.
No.
No.
No.
We know that the deliverance will come.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! A prophet! This is written.
This is promised.
The Book of Revelation 19:11 says, "And there before me was a white horse whose rider is called Faithful and True.
" Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! "He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the word of God!" [Whooshing.]
[Screams.]
[Spectators murmuring.]
[Cheering.]
[Distorted.]
Be quiet! [Cheering stops.]
I am the prophet.
I am the chosen one.
[Screaming.]
[Whooshing.]
Jesse: Daddy.
Man: Jesse.
Do you promise me? You promise? I promise, Daddy.
[Groans.]
It was the time of the preacher When the story began Of the choice of a lady And the love of a man How he loved her so dearly He went out of his mind When she left him for someone She'd left behind He cried like a baby He screamed like a panther in the middle of the night And he saddled his pony And went for a ride It was the time of the preacher In the year of '01 Now the preachin' is over And the lesson's begun Jesse: "This is it.
This is the best I can do.
" But for Coach Tom Landry that wasn't good enough.
[Clears throat.]
He looked down at that player and he looked up, into one other's eyes, and he frowned.
He said "Get off Get off your backside.
" [Chuckles.]
Stand up and run.
" And that player looked at him, and he did.
[iPad beeping.]
And some of you might be askin' what the heck football has to do with the Parable of the Five Foolish Bridesmaids.
Uh, St.
Matthew reminds us that salvation won't come to those [Sighs.]
to those St.
Matthew reminds us that salvation won't come to those The answer is [Clears throat.]
Uh, the ans the answer is bein' humble.
Um So think about that.
And whoever's messin' with the sign outside - [Organ plays.]
- you stop, please? [Chatter.]
[Organ continues.]
Out on the bayou Is where I'm gonna find you Tipping back your bottle till it's gone [Gunshot.]
I just Abe Lincoln-ed that squirrel! [Laughter.]
Pop to the back of the head! Betsy: Donnie! What's the matter with you, shooting a gun at church? Ted: I had to figure out a whole new TV schedule, you know, for supper.
- [Clears throat.]
- You know, 'cause I like to eat, and, I mean, this is the time that she gave me for dinner, right? When I was growing up, 6:00 is dinnertime, and she knows that.
She knows.
So Why not just open your heart? Be honest with her.
Tell your mom to call you back after you've eaten.
I mean, what does it matter to her what kind of cheese I have on my sandwich? - It's up to me what I like.
- Yeah, I - I make the choices - I'm sorry to cut this short, Ted.
I need a word with him.
I like Swiss cheese.
Read my mind, kid.
Don't tell me you're here to bitch about the air-conditionin'.
Broken-down piece of junk.
It's about my dad.
I don't like him.
Why don't you like him? 'Cause he's mean.
Not to me.
I mean he is, but you know, mostly [Indistinct conversation.]
He's mean to your mom.
So you want me to talk to someone? Talkin' won't help.
Well, you're hangin' there like a shirt on a hook, so you got somethin' in mind.
Words, kid.
What do you want? I want you to hurt him.
You know, it's a sin just to ask me that.
I know, but he sins, too.
He sins worse, and he's got it comin'.
[Laughs.]
Well, in that case Don't laugh.
People said before you came back here before you were a preacher you did things.
So, bring me a beer and maybe I'll do some of those things to your daddy.
How hurt you want him? How far do I go? One punch? Two? Problem is, your daddy's a big fella.
Imagine a couple punches just gonna make him mad.
He's gonna fight back.
Then his buddies are gonna want to help out.
I'll need to defend myself.
Things will escalate.
That's what these things do.
They escalate.
And violence makes violence.
It makes nothing much at all.
Is that what you want, kid? Doesn't mean I can't still, [Clears throat.]
you know help out with your daddy.
Help how? I don't know.
We'll figure somethin' out.
"A man's heart plans his way but the Lord directs his steps.
" Right.
Pray for me, Preacher.
Anyone were listenin', I would.
Believe me.
I'd pray.
Reporter: In local news, goodbye, Chief Red Savage, hello, Pedro the Prairie Dog! Unveiling is tonight, so come on down to City Hall and give Annville's adorable, politically correct new mascot a big ol' West Texas hello.
[John Philip Sousa's "The Liberty Bell" plays.]
[Indistinct shouting.]
You got punched! The board voted! The prairie dog is the new mascot, all right? - Oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo! - Miles got punched by a girl! You punched me! You punched me! - Can't do it.
- [Grunts.]
I told them.
You cannot just expunge a beloved cultural figure like that and not expect it to go over like shit on cold biscuit.
I imagine there's worse things that could happen.
Hmm.
Considerin' I just read the Japanese let a fellow marry his own pillow, I tend to agree with you.
- Much worse is on its way.
- Pillows? That's a slippery slope.
Indeed it is.
Indeed.
Eugene told me that h-he left you some messages? Yep.
Yep, I owe him a call.
Look, I don't I don't give a damn one way or the other.
He was askin' about you, so I was wonderin' if you could find the time to swing by? Tomorrow night? - That work? - Tomorrow.
[Indistinct shouting.]
Man: Get him! You got him, Donnie? [Laughter.]
Hold him down! Sheriff? I can't say how but I heard Donnie there might be layin' hands on his wife.
I figured you might want to talk to her.
I'll listen to a formal complaint should the victim come forward.
Well, that's unlikely, ain't it? These kinds of situations? She's probably scared to.
I will listen to a formal complaint.
'Course.
You don't want to lose the wife-beatin', squirrel-murderin' redneck vote.
I imagine that's a key demographic for you.
You know, Preacher, when I heard that you was comin' back here to your daddy's I must confess to a portion of unease on it.
But you've been real quiet, haven't you? I mean, some folks say too quiet, but not me.
No siree bob.
I say let's just let that continue.
Now, you drive careful.
[Engine starts.]
[Indistinct shouting.]
[Chatter.]
[Irish accent.]
Right.
So, Tijuana.
Any sod-eyed muppet with a bloody backpack and a pair of frickin' Birkenstocks is gonna go on about that donkey show, man.
Listen, listen, boys.
No, no, no.
The place I'm gonna take you gentlemen listen to me now it's downright naughty.
Whoo! We know what you're talkin' about.
No, you don't, Dave.
You don't know what I'm talkin' about.
Is it Dave? Look, Dave.
Listen to me now.
To know what I'm talkin' about, you've had to have the kind of night that lands you in the hospital tryin' to figure out what the Spanish word is for "ass hamster," for goodness' sake.
- [Laughter.]
- I'm serious.
Where's the bath? Is it down there, is it? Through the door.
Time to make a manky, gentlemen.
Listen hamster del culo.
Write it down.
I'm serious.
- He's serious.
- [Laughter.]
[Sighs.]
[Laughter.]
[Laughter.]
[Chatter.]
I'd steer clear of the head a day or three there, gents.
I just lost an argument with some kobe sliders.
Where's that giggle gun? I'm starting to feel me toes again here.
Come on, then.
[Laughter.]
Isn't that funny there? I really thought that T.
J.
was south of Vegas.
So, I might be wonderin' why we're headin' toward the sun there, boy.
Yeah, but what do I know? I'm just another shit-faced Irishman, am I not? Am I not just that? [Laughs.]
[Laughter continues.]
[Donnie Demers and Kenny Werner's "We Could Have Had It All" plays.]
Aah! You and me, we could have had it all I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall You love the city life and partying till dawn - [Grunts.]
- Oh, no, no.
You said that dinner and a movie made you yawn Aah! Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
First I let it go Just thinking you and me'd be fine Then I lost the smile I had in my glass of wine Wasn't all that long ago I was your cup of tea Until you added sugar, and it didn't come from me [Groans.]
We could have had it all How did you wankers find me, then? Go to hell, abomination.
When will you idiots learn, huh? Aah! [Snarling.]
[Grunts.]
Whoo! [Alarm beeping.]
Oh.
[Alarm continues.]
[Grunts.]
[Groans.]
Whew.
Jesus Christ! Whoo! I mean, I'm not responsible for the fact that it was a difficult birth.
I mean, I just had to come out of that thing, you know? I-I Like, it's the same old story.
It's always my fault, like I'm making her wear a colostomy bag.
Oh, my God.
I'm trying to eat here.
Be honest with her, Ted.
Open your heart, tell her everything you're tellin' me.
Okay.
I'll try that.
But I will call you later.
Okay.
Great.
So, I just seated two eight tops.
I got eyes, Gary.
I'm just finishin' up.
Okay? Walter called in sick.
Again.
Maybe I should go check on him.
It's kind of your job, ain't it? [Laughs.]
Look at this church! Look at this.
A Starbucks in the lobby? Since when did people require Frappuccinos to come to church? How are our collection numbers? You know, good.
- Same as last week.
- Mm.
Maybe a little less.
Mayor.
Preacher.
Emily.
Some meetin', huh? [Chuckles.]
Yeah, next time, I'm gonna bring my brass knuckles.
[Giggles.]
No, I'm I'm I'm jokin'.
I don't I don't I don't have any.
Yeah.
But, no, I-I think that kind of discourse is healthy.
You know, it gets everyone We're workin', Miles.
No, yeah.
Good.
Yeah.
Get to it.
I Yeah.
That's All right.
Why are you like that to him? Three years since Kevin passed.
No shame in makin' yourself available.
[Chuckles.]
I'm completely available.
Not completely like a you know.
But yeah, I'm available.
[Sighs.]
[Dramatic music plays.]
[Man speaking native language.]
[Knock on door.]
- [Man snoring.]
- Hey, Walter, you in there? Walter! [Sighs.]
Let's find you a shirt, Walter.
[Woman singing indistinctly.]
[Singing continues.]
Thanks for the warnin', Walter.
[Engine starts.]
I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee Clouds in my coffee You walked into the party Like you were walking onto a yacht - Your hat strategically dipped - [Gunshot.]
Below one eye [Grunts.]
Your scarf, it was apricot [Groans.]
- [Gunshot.]
- You had one eye in the mirror As you watched yourself gavotte And all the girls dreamed That they'd be your partner They'd be your partner, and You're so vain Give me that map! You probably think this song is about you - [Grunting.]
- You're so vain You're so vain I bet you think this song is about you Don't you Don't you You had me several years ago When I was still quite naive Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair And that you would never leave Aah! Aah! But you gave away the things you loved And one of them was me I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee Clouds in my coffee, and You're so vain You probably think this song is about you You're so vain Aah! I'll bet you think this song is about you - Don't you? Don't you? - Give me my map back.
- [Chuckles.]
- Don't you? [Engine sputters.]
Boy: Awesome! So awesome! Hey, guys.
Yeah, so, he was a really bad man.
[Sighs.]
Your parents around? Our mom's dead and our dad's at work.
But I'm 10.
I'm in charge.
- Hmm, I bet you are.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
You aren't allowed to just drive around wreckin' stuff and killing people, you know.
You're in, like, really big trouble.
Yeah no, I know.
Who likes arts and crafts? Can you pass me the red tape, please? Sure can.
Now, we want the joints extra tight.
Otherwise, it won't compress enough.
So, more bad guys are coming? Mm-hmm.
Coming to kill you? Well, they're comin' to try.
Whoo! Your daddy makes some heckified corn shine.
Don't you want to call the police, then? Afraid the police won't be much help here.
Well, what about your boyfriend or someone? Get him to come help.
A girl doesn't always need some stupid guy helping her.
That's right.
A woman needs to know how to be strong and stand on her own.
[Cans rattle.]
Thanks for these, guys.
Of course, boy or girl, if you're lucky enough to fall in love, you have to be even stronger.
Fight like a lion to keep it alive.
So that So that on the day your love is weak enough or selfish enough or frickin' stupid enough to run away, you have the strength to track him down and eat him alive.
[Growls.]
You're funny.
I know.
Anyway this is how you make a bazooka.
[Gasps.]
Now, who wants to play hide and go seek? Just like a tornado, okay? Don't come out till the noises stop.
[Helicopter blades whirring.]
[Gunfire.]
[Explosions.]
Man: No! No, no, please! Stop! [Gunshots.]
[Explosions and gunfire stop.]
[Door creaks.]
Awesome! Woman: Hey, guys.
Over here.
Sorry about all the, uh But fun, huh? What's your name? Priscilla-Jean Henrietta O'Hare.
But my friends all call me Tulip.
[Engine starts.]
[Engine revs.]
You promise me? You promise me? - Jesse: I promise, Dad.
- [Gunshot.]
[Birds chirping, cow moos.]
[Johnny Cash's "The Beast in Me" plays.]
The beast in me [Cow moos.]
Is caged by frail and fragile bars [Birds squawking.]
Restless by day And by night, rants and rages at the stars God help The beast in me [Grunting.]
The beast in me Oh! [Groaning.]
- Has had to learn to live with pain - Oh, hello! Why don't you come down here and give ol' Cassidy a kiss? Come on, just a little closer.
You're just a sight for sore eyes, you are.
[Cow bellows.]
Jesse: Unfortunately, church finances bein' as they are these days, I've just been going around to parishioners and askin'.
It'd be nice to get the air-conditionin' fixed.
Betsy: Money's always tight, but I'll see what I can do.
Thanks.
How's everything else? [Cow bellows.]
[Sighs.]
How's Donnie? How's he doin'? Donnie's up in Pecos [Chuckling.]
reenactin' the Battle of Fredericksburg.
[Chuckles.]
Donnie's fine.
[Cows bellows, thuds.]
If things weren't fine you'd come to me, right? If Donnie ever hurt you, as a for instance you should you should tell me.
Mm.
He hurts me all the time.
How does he hurt you? [Chuckles.]
Well he beats me.
Okay.
He, um bites me punches me, and hits me with a jump rope.
Yesterday, after he came home from work, he scalded me with the tea kettle.
[Inhales deeply.]
You think you could tell the Sheriff what you just told me? The Sheriff? It's the only way we're gonna get him to stop hurtin' you, Betsy.
Oh.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
I don't I don't want that.
I know you're scared.
You know, takin' your life back it can be scary sometimes.
- Uh, no.
- But I'll be there, okay? I understand No, you don't understand what's goin' on with us! With who? [Scoffs.]
With me and Donnie.
I like it.
You like what? It.
When he hurts me.
Oh.
[Chuckles.]
I like it.
No.
No, no, no.
Yes, I do.
I like it.
[Indistinct shouting.]
[Siren chirps.]
[Man shouting in Russian.]
Aah! Tulip: Don't worry, Father.
I ain't gonna shoot you.
Thanks for checkin' in on my uncle.
Lord knows he's needed it.
Always been fond of Walter.
[Chuckles.]
Yeah.
Mm.
So, let me tell you about this job.
No, don't bother.
I'm not doin' jobs anymore.
Oh, come on, Jesse! I already got the map.
Trust me, that was the hard part.
Wait.
Is this an ear? No.
It's my lunch.
Little piece of shawarma I had earlier.
- [Scoffs.]
- Look.
[Sighs.]
Jesse, this isn't just any old gig.
You get that, right? I'm sure it's the job to end all jobs, Tulip.
I imagine they'll be singing songs about it.
Pretty damn close, actually, yeah.
Tell me you don't want to.
Tell me you don't miss it.
I just did.
Twice.
Hmm.
So, you're gonna keep goin' with this preacher thing, huh? Uh-huh.
How's that workin' out for you? It's good.
[Clears throat.]
I hear you pretty much suck at it.
[Chuckles.]
Why would you ever come back here? You know, culture and cuisine.
[Chuckles.]
More like tryin' to fill your daddy's shoes.
You cut your hair.
I hate it.
You put your fingers in a socket or somethin'? [Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
I'm sorry, Jesse.
I'm sorry, too.
But I'm done cryin' about it.
You know? We did what we did.
We are who we are, and that's it, you know? Why waste another minute wishin' we were different? Philosophy.
Always a strong suit.
You know, I'm glad we still hate each other.
It'll make everything go easier.
There is no everything, okay? I said I'm not doin' it.
- Yes, you are.
- Or what? Or somethin'.
I don't hate you, Tulip.
I wouldn't know how.
Don't make me teach you, then.
[Scoffs.]
We are who we are, Jesse Custer! We are who we are.
[Car door slams, engine starts.]
Sheriff Root: Red China done figured out a machine gonna let people drink saltwater.
Now, don't tell me that ain't a game changer, 'cause it is! Eugene wanted to see me? Mrs.
Root.
How are you tonight? [Blender whirs.]
It's his dinner.
[Dramatic music plays.]
[Stairs creaking.]
[Knock on door.]
[Hip-hop music playing on stereo.]
No, thanks.
So, what is it you wanted to see me about? I don't know about that.
If you want to be there, you should be.
Why do you say that? What you did was wrong.
But are you sorry about it? Then He forgives you.
No.
No matter what you've done if you need Him, He has to be there for you.
That's the whole point.
God doesn't hold grudges.
If you get down on your knees and you listen and I mean really listen He'll say somethin'.
No.
I promise.
[Country music playing on stereo.]
Reporter: Tom Cruise has died.
This footage just coming in from a Church of Scientology service Cruise was presiding over when apparently and details are still coming in he spontaneously exploded.
[Grunts.]
You're right.
[Groans.]
Can I have a bottle of 10-year whiskey, if you have it.
Otherwise, I just suppose I'll choke down a bottle of "Ratwater.
" Jesus Christ.
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Belch.]
Evening, Padre.
What's the matter with you? Just one big joke with a darkened hat and some stickers.
[Laughs.]
So, where am I then, eh? - A bar.
- No, I know it's a bar.
I meant to say what's the location? You know, the state, county, or town or somethin'? Or maybe there's a phone box handy, down by the loo, perhaps? I'm tryin' to understand a word you're sayin', pal.
Never mind, Padre.
As you were.
[Rock music playing.]
Preacher! Lieutenant! How'd it go? We win this time? Nice try.
And it's General.
[Patrons gasping.]
Talk to my wife without talkin' to me first? Whole town's been hearin' stories about, uh, you're a tough guy.
So show us.
This is no time for fightin'.
We're at war.
[Grunts.]
I don't know how they keep finding me! It's I'm getting I had to jump out of a plane 30,000 feet.
Man: I'll look into it.
Meantime, stay out of trouble.
Get rid of your credit cards, hold up, and lay low.
Oh, I'm layin' low, all right.
Now, listen, I need you to wire me some - [Dial tone.]
- Oh, come on.
You Donnie: The moral of this sad-ass story is don't believe what you hear.
[Laughs.]
Hey.
I know the little snitch who told you, too.
Looks like I got another whoopin' to attend to.
Don't touch him.
What did you say? The boy.
Don't touch him.
[Chuckles.]
Or what would happen? Donnie don't do this.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You You You got me curious now.
Let's just say, for the sake of argument, that, uh, that I don't listen.
What then, huh? - You'd hear a noise.
- Oh.
Ooh, golly gee.
Oh, a noise? A high-pitched, kind of bunny-in-a-bear-trap sound.
You'll know it when it comes.
'Cause you're the one who will be making it.
That's some scary stuff right there.
Everybody watch.
[Grunts.]
I'm gonna beat the living shit out of the preacher.
[Patrons gasping.]
[Groans.]
[Gasping.]
[Grunts.]
You ready for that noise now? Preacher! Enough.
Your little weirdo friend, too.
What did I do? Almost done, Sheriff.
[Screaming.]
Jesus, what kind of preacher are you? [Laughs.]
- The lousy kind.
- No, I'm sorry, mate.
I've seen the lousy kind.
As long as you're not walking around with a little kitty's arsehole around your finger like a bloody wedding ring, I'd say you were ahead of the game, then.
Drinkin' fightin', swearin'.
I can't even afford to fix the damn air-conditionin'.
Sounds like the first verse of the worst country song ever written, man.
[Chuckles.]
She was right about one thing.
I never should have come back here.
She was right about that.
Of course she was right about that.
It's bloody Annville, Texas.
What's a guy like you doing back in a place like this, huh? Finally figured out where you are, huh? Well, I'm not great with directions, actually.
Yeah, I'm sensin' that.
Well, yeah, but we're not talkin' about me, are we? We're wonderin' about you.
Tell me about yourself.
Come on, now.
I came back to [Scoffs.]
Years ago, I made a promise.
I broke it.
I broke it 1,000 times.
Yeah, well, you know, promises they're very nasty little things.
I try to steer clear of 'em as best that I can.
- No, no.
That's wrong.
- Why? Promises matter.
It's the currency of faith.
Oh, look no offense, Padre, but in my view, the world would be a much better place if all you "faith" types just called it a day and maybe Without faith, we'd still be hitting each other with dinosaur bones.
The bloody hell do dinosaur Have you even seen the news lately? 'Cause we're hitting each other with a lot worse things than bones, boyo.
No, seriously.
Listen to me now.
Misery loves company, does it not? It's the hope that sets men at one another's throats here.
Take me for example, right? I have zero hope in this world, mate.
And I'm bloody fantastic.
- Really, I am.
- [Buzzer.]
[Door opens, keys jingle.]
Man: Bail's up, Preacher.
Thanks for your help back there.
Yeah, well, no worries.
Grown men playing make-believe is a bit of a pet peeve of mine, I've got to be honest with you.
Jesse Custer.
I'm Cassidy.
Pleased to meet you.
Hey.
Officer you got any spare curtains lying around this place, by any chance? I'm a bit of a late sleeper.
Why you smilin'? It's not funny.
[iPad beeps.]
Emily: but in the end, it might make financial sense.
'Course, we can't afford to pay an actual whatchacallit barista-type.
But a weekend volunteer? Someone knows their way around a milk frother? - Emily.
- No, I know.
We got to do something to keep up with that darn megachurch.
I'm quittin'.
- I'm done.
- Level up.
I'll announce it Sunday service.
Oh.
Okay.
Thought I could make it work.
I really did.
But it's just that I am who I am, I guess.
Guess so.
You know, I appreciate all you've done for me and the church.
You've been [Child giggles.]
such an asset.
[iPad beeps.]
Way to go.
I'm not gonna beg and cry or try and talk you out of it, if that's what you're waiting for.
You were never really here in the first place, Jesse, so what difference should your leaving make? [Children laughing.]
Go on.
Get some sleep.
Way to go.
Level up.
- [iPad beeping.]
- Way to go.
- IPad.
- It's my turn! - Way to go.
- What? - No, it isn't.
- Mom! Level up.
- Mom, what are you doing? - [Glass shatters.]
- Share it.
- [Distorted.]
Level up.
[Cellphone rings.]
- Hello? - Ted: Oh, good.
You picked up.
Now, I know it's late, but she's really outdone herself.
Told me I never would have contracted eczema in the first place if not I've got to call you back.
[Slamming.]
[Slamming continues.]
Eugene was right.
It's quiet.
All right.
One last time.
But I want an answer.
Right now.
Or that's it.
I'm done.
[Wood creaking.]
God please forgive me.
[Sighs.]
Yeah thought as much.
[Sighs.]
Oh, yeah.
[Sighs.]
Oh, well.
You, too.
[Door creaks.]
[Whooshing.]
[Baby cries.]
Much bigger things are comin' for you.
Much bigger things than this here.
So you got to be one of the good guys.
'Cause why? Jesse: 'Cause there's way too many of the bad.
You promise me? [Voice breaking.]
I promise, Daddy.
You stop that.
We Custers don't cry.
We fight.
[Gunshot.]
Hey.
[Sighs.]
You were out awhile this time.
But your fever's down, so we weren't over-worried.
- We? - Cassidy: Screw with me? I can screw you right back, langer! He came 'round to see how you were.
Found you passed out in the church.
How do you feel now? [Wind chimes ringing.]
I feel Bloody knob-eating plonker! He said you were "mates"? Huh.
Better be, 'cause he moved into the church attic three days ago, fixin' the air conditioner.
Three days? It's Sunday morning.
We thought of cancelin', but your temperature was down and I know you wanted to make your announcement, so That you're leavin'.
Oh.
Yeah.
I'm sorry about the way that I spoke to you in the car.
- No, no.
- I'm You were right.
Okay.
I'm late.
Y-You set out the programs? Uh, no.
Hey, uh, uh, we got cut off the other day.
You know what? Now is not the time.
Oh, no.
I totally understand.
That's why I'll walk with you.
So, apparently, I smell like sweat all the time, is the latest.
How she knows that living down in Sarasota, Florida, is beyond me, but that is not the point.
She wants me to feel like I smell.
I mean, why would my own mother make me feel For the last time, Ted.
Be brave.
Tell her the truth.
[Distorted.]
Open your heart.
Be brave.
Tell her the truth.
Open my heart.
Do you hear that? Be brave.
Tell her the truth.
Open my heart.
[Electric guitar playing.]
Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost But now I'm found Was blind, but now I see [Sighs.]
No sermon today.
You're welcome for that.
I'll try not to punch anyone, either.
I do have an announcement.
The other night, someone asked me why I'd come back to Annville.
I didn't have an answer for her at least, not a convincing one.
I've let you down.
Week after week, I've been just another man that hurts by not helping.
I've not had a single morning where I-I didn't wake up and have to force my feet to the floor to face you.
The bottom line is, I've been a bad preacher.
And for that, I am sorry.
[Sighs.]
But "I'm sorry" doesn't change anything.
My shortcomings they're not news to anyone.
What is news and, uh, what I've decided is I can't I can't I can't quit.
[Sighs.]
I've been quitting on you for too long.
I've been quitting on this church.
[Sniffles.]
You deserve better.
You [Clears throat.]
You deserve You deserve a good preacher.
You deserve a good preacher, and and that's what you're gonna get.
As of today as of right now, I'm going to fight.
I'm going to do what all good preachers have done since the Serpent and Man's Fall pray for the sinner.
Offer peace to the restless.
Avenge the innocent.
Please, guys.
- Please, stop! - Ow! Cool the wrathful.
Welcome those who are lost.
And last but not least speak forth the Word of God.
Be brave.
Tell her the truth.
Open your heart.
Be brave.
Tell her the truth.
Open your heart.
Be brave.
Tell her the truth.
Open your heart.
Be brave.
Tell her the truth.
Open your heart.
Be brave.
Tell her the truth.
Open your heart.
Be brave.
Tell her the truth.
Open your heart.
Be brave.
Tell her the truth.
Open your heart.
Be brave.
Tell her the truth.
Open your heart.
[Sighs.]
Tell her the truth.
[Inhales deeply.]
Ted! What are you doing here? Mom I would really appreciate if you would stop calling me at all hours to criticize me.
I'm not perfect.
I know at times I've been a disappointment to you, but I am your only son, and if you would treat me with some kindness and consideration, it would make me so happy.
What are you talking about? Well, now, I have to open my heart to you.
- Aah! - [Groaning.]
Aah! Aaah! [Gasps.]
[Crowd gasping.]
Aaah! [Crying.]
for all this, I am responsible.
I am that preacher.
This is my answer.
This is why I've come home.
To save you.
[Birds chirping.]
It's here.
[Son of Dave's "Voodoo Doll" plays.]
You made my life a living hell You took the child aswell I never liked your cold blue eyes I never liked your smell I could rip you to shreds I'll get a voodoo doll and stick a needle in ya No, there ain't no law that says I can't do that I'll get a voodoo doll, stick a needle in ya No, there ain't no law that says I can't do that