Primos (2024) s01e01 Episode Script

1
(OPENING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
- (CAT SNARLING)
- (DOGS BARKING)
(SINGING)
Hey! Another day in my old hood
Summer's starting
and it's gonna be so good
Hey, oh, hey!
I was gonna be so cool
Then you all moved in
And got me looking like
a fool, again
CHORUS:
Oye, primos
Why you all up in my face?
CHORUS:
Oye, primos
Get up out my space
CHORUS:
Oye, primos
You're wearing out my brain
You're driving me insane
Not the roll call again
Cousin Bud, Nacho and Lita
Tere, Tabi and Tonita
Scooter, Lotlot and Gordita
Nachito, ChaCha and Cookita
- CHORUS: Yay
- TATER: No, come on
CHORUS: Oye, primos
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)
(TATER READING)
TATER: In the beginning,
there was darkness.
Then there was
Me!
Tater Ramirez Humphrey!
Me, a lump of clay.
Me, searching for
my true self.
But soon,
I will achieve my final form.
But I don't know
what it'll be
until I'd get a little
(SHOUTING) quiet.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
Whatcha drawing, Tater?
Big plans.
It's time for
The Summer of Tater.
A three-part play.
Act one, I get alone time.
Act two, I make a plan
for my future final form.
Then, act three, I transform
into something amazing.
But it all starts with
some me time.
Whoa! You have
big dreams. I (GASPS)
Take a powder, sweetie.
Oh, Tater,
my big-but-littler sister.
Good thing you have me
to break it to you.
Oh, Nellie,
my sweet and salty little sis.
Break what to me?
Well, you're
dreaming too big
BOTH: By even
dreaming at all.
Exactly.
Tater, we live in Los Angeles.
And while most people think
that's where dreams come true,
I mean, look at this place.
(ENGINE WHIRRING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(SCREAMS) Killer bees.
Does it look like
dreams come true here?
Maybe being chased by bees is
that guy's dream.
You don't know.
There's nothing wrong
with our town.
Pothole!
(TATER GRUNTS)
Okay, so our town
has some quirks.
And, yeah, the summers
kinda stink.
Not "kinda."
Literally.
But this summer
is gonna be different.
I'm turning ten.
And I've got big plans
for transformation, Mr. Mojo.
- (SNARLS)
- Uh!
I've lived a whole decade
and haven't accomplished squat.
I'm just Not enough.
Pray tell,
what will make you enough?
Uh-uh, Nellie,
that's act three. No spoilers.
The first act of summer
is getting Tater time!
You know, me time.
Alone. To myself.
Oh. (SCOFFS)
Good luck getting Tater time
in this house.
- (CLAMOR)
- Hey, girls.
Welcome home,
amorcitos.
Just in time
- To watch the baby.
- To watch the baby.
Classic Bibi.
Transferring responsibility.
Middle child, out!
Ah, classic Nellie.
Avoiding work.
(SNIFFING)
(GAGS)
New diaper, baby bud.
(BABY COOING)
- (THUMPS)
- Ow!
(EXCLAIMS)
Sorry, little sweet potato.
Hey, mind
giving me a hand?
Hey, Dad, did you
have any dreams
when you were my age?
Dreams? Like, you know,
like when you sleep?
No. Hey, Ma, you know
what I'm talking about, right?
Of course, it says
right on my pillow.
Dream big, hija.
That
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
You know I don't
speak Spanish.
Ay, girl.
Nightmares.
Why does everyone think
I mean sleep dreams?
I mean dreams, like,
big hopes for the future.
Oh, those?
Well, you know, you don't wanna
go too big with those.
But a nice small or even a
medium-sized dream, just right.
Like Goldilocks.
Hmm. That doesn't make
any sense.
(SNORES)
Looks like Pop might be the only
one who dreams around here, sis.
Sorry, Tater. Our world just
isn't made for dreamers.
You gotta lower
your expectations
just like everyone else
around here.
Unless you
wanna be a weirdo, you weirdo.
Well, if I'm just an adorable
weirdo, then so be it.
I didn't say "adorable."
The summer's arrived,
but something's still wrong
It's time to dream big
write a list, get going
'Cause now it's my time
Whatever I dream
I'mma make it mine
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I hate to rain down
on your little parade
But what you're talking about
ain't reality
That's where you're wrong
All I gotta do
is believe in me
- Yeah, yeah, yeah
- What?
I could learn French
But you never
liked school
I'll have style
and poise
But you never
look cool
I can just imagine it
And that's halfway
to having it
So why don't you
stop babbling?
There's no rattling me
And I don't need a
plane to fly
Or a car for speed
Um, actually
that's exactly what you need
I could be a star
or a great athlete
You're forgetting
who you are
You got two left feet
You'll see
All I need is me
Big dreams
and I'll make it true
Keep dreaming, sis.
And I don't need no
one telling me
What I can do
Too much to
even make a list
Oh, yeah, dreaming
is for when you're sleeping
So wake up
and listen to reason
All I need is me
big dreams
And time away
from you
Unless you wanna
help me.
Oh, I think I hear
Mom calling me, bye.
All alone.
Act one begins.
It's Tater time.
Oh, have you been
waiting for me
with your rich
faux leather cover?
Time to dream up
The Summer of Tater.
(RUMBLING)
(SHRIEKS) Earthquake!
(CAR HONKING)
No, it's worse than
an earthquake.
It's visitors.
Did Mom invite
people over?
Today? The first day
of summer freedom?
Why are you surprised?
Mom's always doing
unexpected stuff.
Bibi be Bibi.
Did someone say my name?
(SCREAMS)
Frijoles.
Escuchen. All 12 of your
primos are coming.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(GRUNTS)
I just want
some alone time.
Look, the faster we get this
primo visit over with,
the faster I can get back
to the Summer of Tater
and the faster you can
get back to
Whatever it is you're doing.
It's called a Pop Stack.
Right. So I say
we get out there,
say our quick hellos,
booyah ba-bam,
then we get back
to our lives.
Eh, fine. I've got five minutes
before he turns over.
ALL: Hello, all.
LA's finest at your service.
- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- (ALL GRUNT)
(SIGHS) We're here
to wreck your stuff.
Don't forget
your manners, boys.
We're here to
wreck your stuff, thank you.
Phew! Greenhouse gases,
averted.
Your environmental efforts
are futile, sibling.
- Hiss!
- (CAR HONKS)
(CRASHES)
Oh, now that's a way
to make an entrance.
She's done.
You're safe now, okay?
Oh, Papa.
It wasn't that bad.
Right, hermanitos?
She's done.
You're safe now.
Hey, hey, Ivan!
Hi, Diego! Ignacio!
Dude, bring it in.
How'd you all
get off work so early?
Oh, I'm still
on the clock. (CHUCKLES)
Gotta get
this guy on ice.
Huh, is this
everyone?
I thought we had
one more.
(MOTORCYCLE ROARING)
ChaCha!
ChaCha!
That makes 12.
They're all here.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
- And there's Tater and Nellie.
- (ALL GASPING)
Brace for impact.
(CLAMORING)
Hey, you. And, uh
You guys.
Wow! And you
(CHUCKLES) Right there.
Seriously? You still don't know
their names?
You've met them all before.
Multiple times.
Yeah, but there's
12 of them.
Oh, fine.
Just stick with me.
Well, very impressive,
Tere, Tabi and Tonita.
It's actually easy.
Especially,
when you have a private trainer.
Here, we'll show you
how to do it.
- Yeah.
- (GRUNTS)
Tere, Tabi, Tonita.
Got it.
Ouch!
Just collecting
a sample.
Trust me. This is the least
unpleasant way.
Hello, Gordita.
Whoa, little sis.
Respect boundaries.
Gotta ask before
collecting DNA.
Hostess gift!
Thanks, Cousin Bud.
Uh Maybe
I'll take care of it.
(THUDS)
Oh, ChaCha.
I'm happy to see you again, too.
Especially if you've
gotten past your biting stage.
- (BITING)
- NELLIE: Ow!
Guess not.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
(STUTTERS) Yeah.
Todo Great.
Do you need help
getting your skate gear out?
Hey, you probably have
a cooler word for it, huh, Lita?
Sure I do.
But that's a secret
of the trade.
(SIGHS) Oh!
Hey, Scooter.
He's still pretty shy.
And you're still
pretty adorable, Lucita.
Lucita. Was that always
her name?
Hey, primos.
- (BOTH GASPS)
- Hi, Lotlot.
Wasn't she
just in the hearse?
Hungry?
I got some entrail mix.
Uh, wow. Um Thanks, Lotlot,
but we had a big lunch.
Well, I hope you saved room for
some Nacho noogies.
Hey, don't forget
the grated cheese.
Hi, Big Nacho.
Or the jalapenos.
And here's Nachito.
(SCOFFS) You don't have
to say all our names.
It's like you don't know
who we are.
Wait, you guys have
the same name?
I I mean,
of course you do.
Forget the name tag.
That was the last primo.
We're done.
Well, look at the time.
It feels like
you're saying goodbye
as soon as
you've said hello.
(LAUGHS) Sure wish
y'all didn't have to leave.
But I have to
get back to Tater time.
(GASPS)
Hija, guess what?
The primos
are actually staying.
(ECHOING)
Staying?
Right here, with us,
for the whole summer.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
The whole summer?
The whole Ah!
Aw.
Hijas, I know it's a big
surprise to lay on you, but
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
When I was your age,
my favorite summers
were the ones I got to spend
with all my primos.
Now, you get to have
the same amazing experience.
It'll be the best summer ever.
Just imagine.
(ECHOING)
Just imagine.
(GROWLS) Tater.
No! My alone time!
My dreams!
(LAUGHS)
No use fighting it, sis.
I told you this wasn't a place
for dreamers. (GASPS)
No. I won't give up
my final form.
I won't give up
my summer!
BUD: Tater.
Scoot your boots out here.
Come on, folks.
Squeeze on in.
I wanna commemorate
the summer of primos.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
But this is supposed to be
the summer of me!
(TATER READING)
(DISTORTED VOICE) Diary!
You will not believe
what my mother did.
Sorry, that was rude.
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Dear darlingest diary,
remember how today
was supposed to be
the first day of
The Summer of Tater?
The summer I turn ten
and discover my true self. Meh.
I knew it'd take
hard work, self-reflection,
steady hydration,
occasional naps to recharge.
But all of that was possible
because I had a summer of
Tater-time.
Nothing could stop me.
Except
The beebs.
My mom, who decided that
this was the perfect summer
to invite all my cousins
to come stay with us.
Cousins, plural.
Extremely plural.
All 12!
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
At least, things can't
get worse.
(BIBI CALLING OUT IN SPANISH)
Can you girls be angels
and help bring in
your primos' luggage?
Where does it go?
Our imaginary guest room?
The closest motel?
Canada?
(LAUGHS) Hija, no.
The primos are sleeping in
Your room!
It'll be like
one big slumber party
(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
all summer long, long, long long!
(CHOKING)
The primos are staying
in our room?
My tchotchkes.
My pillow.
My young adult novels.
- (RUMBLES)
- (CLAMORING)
(GASPS, SHRIEKS)
There's no way
we're putting up with this.
Where else are the primos
gonna sleep? The garage?
Not while that possum
has the run of the place.
Look, I just want to
get out of bellhop duty.
Ooh! Tio convention.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
(GRUNTS)
Who cares about TioCon?
Stay focused.
We can't let the primos
in our room.
Not yet, anyway.
Why don't you leave
bellhop duty to me?
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
So what's the scuttlebutt?
Any good deals
on cable? Hmm?
Looks like this calls
for some ingenuity.
No one's getting in here unless
they've got ingenuity too.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, T-Sisters.
ALL: Hi, Tater.
Can I assist you
with your luggage
as you sign this
roommate agreement?
What's a
Ooh! Sparkle gel pen!
Thanks for
getting our backs, Tater.
Here. For your troubles.
It'll be worth a ton
someday.
This is going to be
even easier than I thought.
Oh, boy.
(GRUNTS)
You can get into my room
when your owners do.
After they've agreed to the
rules in my roommate agreement.
Hey, Lotlot.
You look, uh, busy.
Want me to grab
your luggage for ya?
Sure. If it doesn't
grab you first.
Hey, Cousin Bud. I found your,
uh Bag of trash?
Nope. That's my luggage. Didn't
want my compost to miss me.
Great. Gordita,
can I grab your luggage?
Best keep it upright. That's for
business. This is for pleasure.
Oh, yay,
Diplomats and Domains,
the super-complicated board game
that takes forever to play.
Can't wait
to break this out.
Roommate agreements.
Hey, Big Nacho
and Nachito.
Can I help bring in
your luggage?
I don't know, small fry,
can you?
I brought
my heaviest duffle.
And I brought
all my water guns.
Well, I brought
these guns.
(GRUNTING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, Tater, wanna join
our little dance party?
Uh, maybe later.
But first, um,
can I, uh, bring in your stuff?
(LAUGHS)
Okay, sure.
And don't forget
my toys.
(WHISPERING)
And Scooter's
pitch pipe.
Great.
I'll go grab them
while you sign these.
Careful, Tater.
Nice and (SHOUTING) Easy!
(SQUEAKS)
Ugh!
I hear ya.
Extended warranties are for
suckers. Am I right? Huh?
(INDISTINCT)
Okay. That
just leaves
(GROWLING)
ChaCha!
Can I help you
with your, um, luggage?
Why is it wet?
Now I'll need you
to sign this.
(GROWLS)
(SIGHS IN RELIEF) Surely,
they'll all have signed
their roommate agreements by now.
What's the matter, guys?
Is there a problem
with the agreements?
I hope everybody
knows cursive.
We know cursive. We're just not
agreeing to these stupid rules.
(CLAMORING)
(SPITS)
Yeah. What she said.
Sorry for the dogpile, Tater,
but no music?
No nail polish?
No farting?
What about tooting?
Just a little
midday prootz.
No, no and no.
(FARTS)
Come on, Tater.
How about a compromise?
The agreements
are final.
But we don't agree
to any of it.
Good luck
getting us to sign.
Good luck getting
into my bedroom.
(LOCK OPENS)
Shouldn't have made the combo
your Social Security number.
Ingenuity!
Fine. You might have
the room, but I have your stuff.
(ALL GASPING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(PITCH PIPE PLAYS)
Well, we seem to be
at an impasse.
I, for one, would like to go get
some shut-eye in our room.
It is just
an expression.
I've never seen
her eyes close.
- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Maybe it's time for backup.
Nellie!
See, now I say, when the
burger's on the grill,
you back off.
Just leave it, man.
Or else you're gonna
miss out on all that sear.
You need
the sear, Papi.
(ALL AGREEING)
TioCon.
Guess it's just
you and me, Panda.
Might as well
make ourselves comfy.
- Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.
- (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
Who's there?
Oh, Lucita. Hi.
Oh, hi,
my favorite big prima.
I just came
to say I love you.
Aw!
And could you please give us
some of the luggage back?
The T-Sisters need
their silk pillowcases,
and we all need
Big Nacho's deodorant.
Uh Sure.
(GASPS)
Hey, wait a minute.
Real nice, guys. Sending Lucita
to do your dirty work.
Sorry, but tell them
if they don't sign,
they don't get
their stuff back.
Well, if we can't
have our stuff back,
you can't have your diary.
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
- My diary!
(LAUGHS)
Guys, can we negotiate?
ALL: Too late!
Think, Tater, think. You gotta
get back into your room.
A-ha!
If I start in Mom and Dad's room
and go through the vents,
I think I can sneak in and out
without being seen.
What do you think?
You're right. Who's gonna
watch the stuff while I'm gone?
Hmm.
(SQUEAKING)
Don't let me down,
imi-Tater.
Carnal.
She's right there.
(TREMBLING)
(INHALES SHARPLY, GASPS)
Candy!
- (GRUNTS)
- (ALL GASP)
Tater, you're busted.
Wait, if Tater is here,
then that means
Our stuff!
No, wait.
Stop where you are.
(HARMONICA PLAYING)
(CLEARS THROAT)
ChaCha!
Tater!
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHS)
No!
(COUGHS)
Well, I've still got
most of your stuff.
And my diary.
(KISSES)
You're safe now,
little buddy.
Guess we better see
how much damage they did to ya.
Oh. The latch
is still latched.
(GASPS) They
actually respected
my privacy?
- (DRILLING)
- (BANGING)
Oh, right.
They were probably too busy
destroying my room.
Guess it's just
you and me, buddy.
(SQUEAKING)
So if I capture
a cornfield, I become corn king.
(LAUGHS)
No one's even playing with me.
What's the point?
There's certainly no point
if you're going to
play the game wrong.
Here, let me
show you.
Be right back,
gotta pee. Ooh!
Can I watch
you guys play?
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Wow, Gordita.
What a beast!
Hey, the game's
not over yet.
If I could just get
a waterway Ugh!
I'll trade you
two of my seaports
for some changes
to the roommate agreement.
Let's start with
the "no music" rule.
- Deal.
- (ALL CHEERING)
Hey, I'll give you my gold mine
if you lose the no perfume rule.
Trade you my salt flats
for my night light.
I'll trade you anything
if I can prootz again.
Yes, yes and no.
Oh, man.
(FARTS)
Honestly, all I really want
is a space of my own.
But it's not like
you can give me that.
Well, actually
(IN SING-SONG VOICE)
We have something to show you.
Ta-da!
Tater's corner.
You have our decorations.
And my night light.
And my ax.
Uh, to borrow.
But this is so
I mean, why
Why did you do
all of this for me?
Well, 'cause we
felt bad about,
you know, kicking you
out of your own room.
We just got so excited with
setting up our new digs.
We didn't mean to go all
invasive species on you.
So this is your corner, and we
promise to stay out of it.
Guys, I
I don't even know
what to say
except thank you.
BUD: What in blue blazes
happened here?
Who's going to
clean all this up?
You kids are so grounded.
Is that
Diplomats and Domains?
Oh, we used to
love that game.
All right.
Primos versus TioCon.
Winners take all.
Losers clean the hall.
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)