Private Schulz (1981) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 Prison, contrary to popular belief, is not something you get used to, even after three years.
So it was a great relief to be walking to the warden's office for my release.
Soon I'd be a free man again, ready to face the summer of 1939.
These are stirring times, SCHULZ.
You'll find the country in the grip of a great surge of patriotism.
Yes, sir.
It looks as if the might of Poland will attack us soon, and Germany will be at war again.
If that terrible thing should happen, you will have the opportunity to redeem yourself by living the life of a soldier.
I hope you won't let your country down.
That's exactly what I said to myself this morning, sir.
I said, "Here's a chance to redeem myself.
" This is your second term in Spandau.
The first was for defrauding an old lady of her life savings.
Well, I prefer to think I invested them badly.
I was young, inexperienced.
And this time was also for fraud.
You raised money on a scheme to make gold out of iron oxide and quartz, by heating them in an electric furnace, a chemical impossibility.
It wasn't considered so at the time, sir.
In fact, I think I could truthfully say that my firm was the first to prove conclusively that it simply couldn't be done.
One can only hope you've learned your lesson, SCHULZ.
Oh, yes, sir.
You have absolutely no excuse.
A man of your ability and education should amount to something, not spend his life in prison.
That is my intention, sir, to amount to something, and not return to prison.
You are to report to Herr Krauss, of Krauss Underwear.
He's a most civic-minded employer, a most patriotic man.
He is short of staff due to conscription and will give you work until the army calls you to the colours.
Let us hope it will enable you to return to a life of honesty, in the service of our glorious fatherland.
I realised my mistake.
The world outside was definitely going mad.
It was only a week before the lunatics took over completely.
War was declared.
And after a month with Herr Krauss, I found underwear little better than Spandau Prison.
It just isn't possible! These are my latest designs with the patented buttoning fly.
But Herr Krauss, there is a war on.
Exactly! And our boys at the front should have only the best.
The best guns, the best rations, and, Herr Sturmer, the best underpants.
Naturally, we are trying.
But 80 marks a gross, that won't get you the best.
It cannot be done for 80 marks a gross.
Not the best, not even the second-best.
Let me assure you, Herr Krauss, we at the Ministry of Supply have calculated this price allows for a very reasonable profit.
Profit? I'm not talking about profit.
I'm talking about the will to win.
Which, if I say it myself, exists in Krauss Underwear as strongly as anywhere in Germany.
But 80 marks a gross, that doesn't even pay for basic raw materials and labour.
I'll talk to my superiors.
In a week, they'll be full of holes.
Uncomfortable for a fighting man.
If I could go to 81 and a half, would that make a difference? What sort of impression are the British going to get if they take our boys prisoner, with their underpants full of holes? Have you thought about that? 81 and a half a gross, that could make all the difference.
Joy through strength, Herr Sturmer.
I think that should extend to underpants.
Leave it to me.
I hope to get back to you in a few days.
They say the war will be over by Christmas.
I knew the war wouldn't be over by Christmas.
And I also knew that if I didn't find a safe little spot somewhere, I'd very soon find myself in the army.
Well, I'd found it.
80 marks a gross! What does he take me for? If we can't do better than that in wartime, we might as well surrender immediately.
The war could be over by Christmas, Herr Krauss.
Thank you, I don't want to hear that kind of talk.
I just got contracts here for 100,OOO pairs of army underpants.
When are there orders like that in peacetime? Well, I only thought You better watch it.
Raising people's hopes, there's a new law about that.
It's called "endangering the defensive power of the German people".
There was a clerk shot for that the other week.
- I'm sorry, Herr Krauss.
- Yeah.
War over by Christmas.
It's the most depressing thought I've had all week.
What's the matter with everybody? Nobody wants to fight any more.
Damn Poles collapsed in three weeks.
Draft an ad for the paper, will you? If I don't get some more labour in, I'll never meet those orders on time.
I'm leaving, sir.
You're what? I said, I'm leaving.
Well, you've only been here a month.
I'm going to Postal Censorship.
I've got to see Major Neuheim on Monday.
You selfish little swine.
You don't give a damn how I meet those orders, do you? Or whether I attract penalty clauses for failing to deliver on time.
Well the country comes first, Herr Krauss.
But how am I going to make underpants if everybody keeps joining the army? Your duty is here, you idiot! Well, you see, I speak five different languages, so I'm going to Postal Censorship.
Postal Censorship! Oh, I understand.
I understand perfectly.
You've found yourself a nice little number.
You intend to sit out the war in some safe little office, just read about it in other people's letters.
I should have known better than to employ an ex-jailbird.
Well, listen, dear, you go off to Postal Censorship.
There's nothing I can do to stop you.
But I just hope a British bomber comes, and drops on the building, and blows you to bits.
I sat there laughing to myself.
In fact, I was very soon to be laughing on the other side of my face.
Scum! Traitors! You're going to regret the day you drew your first breath.
I shall have you shot for this, do you hear? Shot! You're a disgrace to the Führer, to the fatherland, and to the German Army.
You're not fit to wear those uniforms.
Take them off.
I said, take those uniforms off! A nice little game you've been playing, haven't you? You thought we didn't know about it.
Do you think Kube and I are a couple of idiots? We've been following every move you've made.
Your contact, Mueller, was picked up a week ago and confessed everything.
Your little plot to assassinate the Führer and make peace with the British is known to us, and to the Führer.
And don't think we don't know there's more behind you.
The whole higher command of the Army is not worthy of the Führer's trust.
Well, we will clean it out! Out! Major Neuheim's office.
Yes, General, he's here.
Just a minute.
Heydrich.
My dear Reinhard.
Yes, I've got them both here.
They're supposed to meet the two British officers tomorrow morning in a café in Villmar.
That's on the Dutch border.
Of course, Reinhard.
Don't worry.
I'll have those Britishers here in Berlin tomorrow night.
Goodbye.
Have you met these two British officers before? No.
No, I know you haven't.
But they're waiting for you to bring the British peace proposals? Yes.
Yes, I know they are.
What are their names? Colonel Clyde Withers and Major Harrison Smith! I know their names.
They both work for the British Secret Service.
How were you supposed to identify yourselves? With the phrase "the war could be over by Christmas".
You swine! You're supposed to be soldiers and you want the war to be over by Christmas? Well, your war will be over sooner than that, I can tell you! Take them away, Schumacher.
Move.
The Führer wants those two British agents brought back to Berlin for interrogation.
Heydrich thinks the best way is for us to keep the appointment at the Dutch border, and kidnap them.
But Holland is a neutral country.
How does he suggest we do it without creating a diplomatic incident? Oh, let the diplomats worry about the incidents.
The Führer has ordered this personally.
But we don't speak English.
Of course we don't! We're at war with the English! Come! What is that? Private SCHULZ reporting for duty, Herr Major.
He is your new private and confidential clerk.
Is this some kind of joke, Schumacher? No, sir.
Private SCHULZ has been draughted here.
All the documents arrived this morning.
I think there's been some kind of mistake.
I had an interview with Postal Censorship.
This isn't Postal Censorship, is it? Postal Censorship? Of course it isn't Postal Censorship! What is he babbling about? From time to time, suitable applicants are passed on to us from Postal Censorship, sir.
Private SCHULZ had a technical education and speaks five languages fluently.
Including English? Including English, Serbo-Croat, French, Romanian and Dutch.
- Dutch.
- He also has a prison record.
What for? Fraud, sir.
Fraud? He could be useful to us, Neuheim.
But I keep trying to tell you, there's been some mistake.
- I shouldn't be here at all.
- Shut up, damn you, or I'll have you shot! Who do you think you are? I decide who comes into the SS and who leaves.
Would you get him out of here, Schumacher? And for God's sake, get him a tailor.
Yes, sir! Move! Did he say he speaks English and Dutch? - Yes.
- Then he could be useful to us, Kube.
Halt! Schumacher, this man speaks English and Dutch? - Yes, sir! - Well, I'll take him with me! Get him a suit of clothes, a false passport, and some travellers cheques! I want him ready to leave - for the Dutch border tonight! - Yes, Major! You're working to the Führer's personal orders now, SCHULZ.
What do you think of that? We are here.
We're not far now.
You're not worried about anything, are you? No, sir.
It's just that I've never done this sort of thing before.
This is wartime, SCHULZ.
We all have to learn new skills.
Do you like this car? It's very comfortable, sir.
Doors, windows, completely bullet-proof.
Designed by the technical section of the SS.
Look at this.
Clever, eh? No one would suspect I wasn't just going away for the night.
But I thought we were supposed to be going unarmed, sir? Cooperating with the enemy is a treasonable offence, SCHULZ.
The driver is armed too, just in case.
My God, I'm looking forward to this.
When those two British idiots realise we're taking them back to Berlin with us.
You said this was a diplomatic mission, sir.
Yes, a diplomatic mission to kidnap a couple of British officers and take them back to Berlin.
A personal commendation from the Führer himself, SCHULZ.
That's what I'm after.
Or die in the attempt.
A glorious death, hounding the traitors who plotted against our Führer's life.
If you don't mind me saying so, Major, the war's hardly got going.
Isn't it a bit early for bravado? You don't suppose I intend to throw our lives away needlessly? Well, if it's a question of my life, sir Do you begrudge it? For the Reich? No, of course not.
I was just trying to establish Well? The plan, sir.
How do you propose to get us back to Berlin? You leave the plans to me and worry about your interpreting.
I haven't been a member of the SS for three years without learning something.
Long live Queen Wilhelmina! Tell them to get a move on, SCHULZ.
We haven't got all day.
You had better behave, sir.
The major is a very violent man.
He's quite capable of shooting us all.
It's against every rule in the conduct of war.
What's he moaning about, SCHULZ? He's suggesting you're not playing it fair, sir.
Oh, is he? Well, you tell him if he doesn't get a move on, I'll shoot one of them.
We don't need them both.
Move! I don't think the Major's very interested in the rules, sir.
Tell your Major Neuheim this is going to have very serious international repercussions, kidnapping British officers on neutral territory.
Get in first, SCHULZ.
Move! They have brought a firing party.
You cheating swine! Well, two can play that game.
Drive, SCHULZ.
It'd be easier if you did, sir.
You're in the front.
I said drive, fool.
I can't.
Can't what? I don't know how to drive.
- You don't? - Are you deaf? How was I to know the chauffeur was gonna get himself shot? Drive! Use the door, for God's sake! And get shot at? This man is injured.
I demand medical attention! Under article Tell him to shut up, SCHULZ, or I'll shoot him! I think the Major would prefer if you waited, sir.
We are a bit busy at the moment, and it is best not to annoy him.
There's no keys.
Where are they? How should I know? The chauffeur must have them.
I'm not going out there.
You'll be quite safe.
I'll keep you covered.
No, sir, I'm not going out there for anything.
I'll shoot you if you don't, you swine! Well, in that case, I prefer to be shot in here.
You idiot! We'll all be shot if you don't get those keys! With your permission, sir.
Strictly speaking, this is a criminal offence, but under the circumstances - Tell your Major Neuheim - Tell him to shut up! Tell your Major Neuheim, - he can't escape.
- Tell him to shut up! He's trapped in no man's land.
He'll have to surrender.
SCHULZ, tell him to shut up! Surrender? He will shoot us first.
Your only chance of staying alive is to come back to Germany.
Drive, SCHULZ, you filthy crook, and don't stop at that barricade.
Thank you, sir.
Faster, SCHULZ, faster.
Don't stop.
The SS will pay for the damage.
Major Neuheim became a national hero for this exploit.
He even received a special commendation from the Führer.
While I, unfortunately, had my appointment to SS Counter-Espionage confirmed.
Still, I thought this was a small price to pay for having emerged from Neuheim's madcap scheme unscathed.
SCHULZ, bring your notebook.
It was Neuheim's task to produce a flow of clever counter-espionage ideas that would meet with the approval of his superiors.
One of these schemes involved the notorious Salon Kitty.
known as the Salon Kitty.
Salon Kitty was a brothel for high- ranking officers and visiting vlPs.
Handsome gigolo Dressed up all for show What a wasted life you're leading Dancing till the dawn Youth and future gone Love will pass you by unheeding Just a soul on hire To the highest buyer Cast off when they tire tomorrow Friends may come, but they'll go Leaving handsome gigolo A heart that brims with sorrow You're just a shop window lover, gigolo Your love's for sale and you want this world to know You're just an escort for sentimental ladies Whose charms have faded and left them long ago Salon Kitty was a paradise if you didn't know one particular thing about it.
Neuheim had had all the bedrooms wired up, because he imagined the customers would be whispering state secrets, and all sorts of disloyalty, under the influence of sex.
It had the Führer's approval, but then the Führer wasn't a noted expert on the subject.
A listening post had been set up in the cellar.
It was my job to sit there hour after hour, glued to a set of headphones, monitoring the conversations in the bedrooms.
It wasn't a duty I looked forward to.
It was like being permanently tickled with a feather and never being allowed to laugh.
And I'd made the mistake of breaking one of the golden rules of life.
I'd fallen for forbidden fruit.
Bertha, Bertha Freya, a peach.
Only, I wasn't allowed into the orchard.
brims with sorrow Next time, perhaps, Major.
And what brave secrets did our master spy overhear tonight? Nothing much.
Just the usual.
Grunts, groans.
And what do you expect here from a whore's bugged bedroom? Counter-espionage? Bertha, I was thinking, perhaps one night I could Well, you and I could You can't afford me, Gerhard.
And besides, I told you, I can't do it with anyone below the rank of major.
I've got a psychological block.
I can get hold of some real coffee.
I've got a cupboard full.
And now, for the real business of what they're calling the phoney war.
From an airfield somewhere in England, the RAF is about to pay Hitler a visit.
But it's still gentle persuasion from our boys of the air, as they prepare to drop leaflets over Berlin and other German cities.
Millions of them, urging the ordinary people of Germany that war simply isn't in their interest.
Let's hope this makes the Huns see sense.
Don't forget the stamp, boys.
And good luck.
Are they mad, the British? They're bombing us with leaflets.
They dropped five million pieces of paper on the Ruhr last night.
That's typical of the British, sir.
They're the worst litter louts in Europe.
Yes.
Well, they surely don't expect the German people to read them.
Oh, no, sir.
They're just hoping to make our cities as filthy as their own.
- Alfred.
- What? - Heydrich's on the line.
- Well? Well, he's in a fury over these leaflets.
He wants to know if he should advise Goering to drop our own leaflets on London.
Well, what do you think? Would the British read our leaflets if we dropped them? Is it worth it? I had the call transferred to you.
Major Neuheim's office.
General Heydrich, sir.
You've lived in Britain.
Would the British read our leaflets if we dropped them over London? I doubt they'd even notice them, sir.
There's too much rubbish lying about in the streets already.
My dear Reinhard, what can I do for you? Yes, Kube and I were just discussing them.
My opinion? Well, in my opinion, dropping leaflets on the British would be a complete waste of time.
Their streets are so filthy they probably wouldn't even notice them.
Thank you, Reinhard.
Of course, we'll think of something.
Goodbye.
Thank you, Alfred.
Clever little fellow, aren't you? You know, you could go a long way in the SS, if it weren't for your face.
Your face is a disadvantage.
You know that, don't you? - Sir? - Well, you look more like a Slav than a German.
There isn't any Slav in you, I suppose, is there? - Certainly not, sir! - No.
Well, I'll tell you frankly, SCHULZ, you can consider yourself lucky you've been assigned to me.
I'm going to take you under my wing.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Yes.
Some of our SS types think it's enough to be blue-eyed and fair-haired.
But if that were the case, where would the Führer be? Not in the SS.
Exactly.
Well, that's Himmler's problem, not mine.
Mine is what to do about these damned leaflets.
May I make a suggestion, sir? Well? That we ask to Dr Goebbels to put out a statement over the radio to London, thanking the British for their contribution to the German war effort, and that we've swept up their leaflets, re-pulped them, and turned them into toilet rolls.
Get me Dr Goebbels on the telephone.
I'm sorry, but I'd better be going, little dumpling.
Oh, no.
You can't go out in an air raid.
It's safe here.
Stay and have a glass of champagne.
My wife doesn't appreciate it when I have too many glasses of champagne.
- Good night, Kitty.
- Good night, Professor.
Good night.
It's probably only a practice firing anyway.
Clothing coupons? They must be mad.
- Walter.
- You're late.
Schumacher's downstairs, waiting to be relieved.
- Can I talk to you? - Not now, I'm tired.
I haven't been on my feet all day.
But I've got something I think you might like.
Which means I've got something you'd like.
You don't give up, do you? - Look, I've told you before - Look, would you take clothing coupons? Clothing coupons? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
How many have you got? - About 50 sheets.
- 50? Downstairs.
- Where have you been? - Sorry, I got caught up in an air raid.
- I didn't hear any air raid.
- I'm not surprised.
I think you'd better go and get a cold shower.
I hate this job.
It's just a waste of time.
You could go blind, you know.
Well - Where did you get these? - On the black market.
They're forged.
- Oh, what? - And very crudely forged.
Did you seriously think I could be bought with forged clothing coupons? What about real ones? Well, actually, I prefer foreign currency.
Now, if you can get hold of some Swiss francs or British banknotes British banknotes? We're at war with the British, remember? Anyway, I can't get foreign currency.
No, but I can, and do.
And have them tucked away against the day Ah! You think Germany might lose the war.
I don't think anything.
But a girl must hedge her bets.
I'm beginning to have serious doubts about your war aims, Bertha.
Listen, my friend, my aims are very simple.
One is to survive the war, and the other is to do as well as I can out of it.
Which, as far as I can see, is no more than the leaders of our beloved party hope to do.
Then you ought to be more careful who you talk to.
I am.
I only talk to you, because I know your war aims are no different to mine.
British banknotes.
Wait a minute, Walter.
Don't be so rough.
You'll tear them.
Here, let me take them off.
There, how's that? Oh, Inga.
Oh, Hilda! Oh, Gretchen! Oh, Christ! The dropping of leaflets by the British, we chose to regard as a joke.
Something to laugh at and ignore.
But this is no laughing matter, and we insist on retaliation.
My Führer, SS Counter-Espionage will not stand by and see the German economy undermined by the dropping of forged clothing coupons.
Apart from anything else, they're such bad forgeries, Major Neuheim.
They'll get better unless we retaliate, Count Von Fritsch.
Führer, in Dr Funk's opinion and in mine, it would be a misuse of resources to put men to work forging clothing coupons.
Frankly, I consider it childish.
The British disagree with you.
The British are indulging their national passion for games.
Besides, it's obviously escaped the notice of SS Counter-Espionage that clothing is not yet rationed in Britain.
Major Neuheim, you've not been doing your homework.
Well, food is rationed, isn't it? We can drop forged ration books.
Führer, this discussion is becoming absurd.
The British are not short of food and won't be until the U-boat war gets fully underway.
Apart from which, it is in the intention of the Ministry of Economics to fight this war according to the rules of the Geneva Convention.
What has that got to do with it? Nowhere in those rules does it allow for the barbarous destruction of a nation's economy by the dropping of forged ration books.
In my opinion, it could easily constitute a war crime.
Then the British have already committed one.
Exactly, and those responsible will answer for it.
In the courts, after the war.
Are you insane at the Ministry? Do you think anyone cares about the courts? We are at war! There are rules of war, Major Neuheim.
And while Dr Funk is head of the Ministry of Economics, those rules will be adhered to.
Führer, I appeal to you.
He's right, Major Neuheim.
What will the dropping of forged ration books accomplish, if the British aren't yet short of food? - Well, we can drop other things.
- Such as? Anything that would disrupt the British war effort.
We can drop forged driving licences, savings certificates and fake university degrees.
We can drop forged identity cards, Post Office Savings Bank books, medical certificates that keep you out of the army - And British banknotes.
and British banknotes.
And British banknotes! We'll forge everything.
Every new document they invent, we'll forge.
We have the capacity.
We can destroy their power to organise anything! Banknotes? British banknotes? Never while Dr Funk is alive will British banknotes be forged! - Never! - Why not? You are despicable, Major Neuheim.
Despicable! Killing is one thing.
That is inevitable in time of war.
In the heat of battle, an army may even burn a church, sometimes with a congregation in it, though that would be deeply regrettable.
But when you attack the integrity of the British pound, and encourage others to do the same with the German mark, you strike the roots of European law and order.
Never will we permit it.
- Never! - Come, now, Count Von Fritsch.
There's no need to get so upset.
My Führer, forgive me.
But I remember 1923 and the misery of that inflation.
And I feel compelled to say that if such a monstrous proposal were accepted, you would have Dr Funk's resignation in the morning.
And mine.
Did you hear Goebbels on the radio last night on the subject of the leaflets the British dropped? I was working late last night.
He was wonderful.
He thanked the British for their contribution to the German war effort, and said the leaflets had been swept up, re-pulped, and turned into toilet rolls.
Ha! Joseph, sometimes, you know, so clever.
Well, if the Ministry of Economics objects, you must think of something else, Major Neuheim.
- Thank you, Führer.
- Thank you.
Good day, gentlemen.
Good day, Führer.
Heil, my Führer.
Heil, my Führer.
Major Neuheim.
You haven't seen the model of the monument I'm going to build after the war.
- Come and look at it.
- Wait outside.
I like your little idea, Major Neuheim, about the banknotes.
Of course, I couldn't say so in front of Fritsch.
Bankers are all so stuffy.
All they ever see is keeping the economy stable.
But I have to see everything.
All my life, people have been saying to me, "You can't do this.
You can't do that.
" But I say to them, "Remember Professor Heinkel and the bumblebee!" Bumblebee, Führer? Bumblebee.
I'm assured by Professor Heinkel that according to the laws of aerodynamics, the bumblebee cannot fly.
It has something to do with the ratio of its wing span to its weight.
But the bumblebee, Major Neuheim, ignorant of this scientific fact, does fly.
So I say to people, "Sometimes it is better to be a bumblebee "than it is to be Professor Heinkel.
" I shall remember that story, Führer, for the rest of my life.
It is not only innocence that protects itself, but ignorance, too.
That has been my experience.
Well will it work? Forging British banknotes? I'm certain of it.
Well, not a word to the Ministry of Economics.
The whole operation must be kept top secret between me and my little SS.
Hey? Yes, Führer! Heil, my Führer.
The Führer has agreed to that little scheme of mine, SCHULZ.
We are going to break the Bank of England, SCHULZ.
We're going to forge millions of English banknotes and inject them like a dose of flu into the British economy.
The Bank of England will shortly be running a high temperature.
- I shall get started straightaway, sir.
- You? This isn't a job for an amateur, you fool.
We need the professionals.
I shall hand the whole thing over to the technical section of the SS.
They've had a vast experience of forging everything.
It can't be done.
What do you mean, it can't be done? It can't be done.
Well, it can be done, but not properly.
The forgeries would be spotted in no time.
Why? The paper, for one thing.
You can't get it.
Since about 1750, it's been supplied to the Bank of England by a single family, from their paper mills.
No one has ever succeeded in getting any of it out.
Then, Captain Ohm, we will make our own.
We can't.
We've shredded it, we've pulped it, we've analysed it.
We have destroyed about a thousand pounds in British five-pound notes doing it.
No one can identify where the paper comes from, or how it's made.
It's a linen of some sort, probably from their colonies in Asia, but that's all we can tell you.
Are you telling me that what I've promised the Führer could be done can't be done? What can't be done, Major, can't be done! With all our technical resources, we don't know how to do it.
Not properly.
Have you never heard of the bumblebee, Captain Ohm, and how it manages to fly? No.
It flies, damn you, because it doesn't know how not to! With due respect to you, Major, and to the bumblebee, my department has a vast experience in forging everything.
Now, if it were rubles, for instance I don't want rubles! or Japanese yen, or a complete dossier on Marshal Tukhachevsky, which we supplied to Stalin in 1937, implicating his commander-in-chief in negotiations with the Third Reich Oh! Shut up, shut up, shut up! All right, you've had your successes.
But you are telling me that you cannot forge British five-pound notes? That is what you are telling me? Yes, Major, that is what we are telling you.
That is our opinion, after considerable research.
Oh, get out, get out, get out! You incompetent clown! You fool! The technical section of the SS says it can't be done.
I should have known better than to listen to you in the first place.
With all due respect, sir, to the technical section of the SS, do you think they're the best authority on forgery? Lf, as I suggested to you in the first place, you could let me handle this, I think I could get us a little further than Captain Ohm.
" and to render him every aid and facility "in carrying out his work for the high command "of the security forces of the SS.
"Signed, Major Neuheim.
" What can the high command of the SS want here? Ask him to come in.
What can I do for you? You? - SCHULZ? - Yes, Warden.
Well I'm glad to see you've done so well for yourself, SCHULZ.
I thought you were with Krauss, of Krauss Underwear.
You have a prisoner here, Ephraim Solikov.
Solikov.
Ah, yes, the Jew.
He's working just down the corridor.
- Bring him in here.
- Fetch Solikov to my office at once.
He's to be transferred to a camp, I suppose.
Good.
Excellent.
Much more suitable.
What else can I do for you? You can clear out of this office while I interrogate him.
I don't want to be disturbed.
Make yourself at home.
Hello, Solly.
Gerhard? Gerhard SCHULZ? Oh, my God, I thought Hey, Solly, come on, calm down.
Hey.
- What are you doing in that uniform? - Don't worry about that.
Come and sit down.
Relax.
Schnapps? Schnapps? Are you crazy? That's the warden's liquor! Well, he told me to make myself at home.
It's amazing the effect this uniform has on people.
Here you are, drink it down.
Solly.
Did you ever forge one of these? An English fiver? - I don't think it can be done.
- Oh, don't say that.
I'm relying on you.
On me? Why? What are you? Crazy or something? I'm in here doing a stretch for counterfeiting, and you're talking to me about forging fivers, in the warden's office! Listen.
Calm down.
Sit down.
I'll explain it to you.
I've been given official clearance from the highest authority to forge English five-pound notes.
Millions of them.
They're all a bit mad outside, Solly.
- The highest authority? - The very highest.
And they've put you in charge? They must be mad.
Now, listen, I need your advice.
The technical section of the SS say that can't be done.
They say it's impossible to get the paper.
They're right.
Nobody's ever succeeded in getting hold of any.
Well, didn't you ever find out what it was, where it came from? Sure, I found out.
I worked on it once with a Czech chemist called Kapa.
Back in the '20s.
We destroyed so many notes finding out, we ran out of money.
What else did you discover? It's made from a special linen they import from India.
India? That'll be difficult.
Don't need to go to India.
We found out there's a place in Turkey which produces an identical linen.
But listen, Gerhard, forget it.
It's too difficult.
I know.
And believe me, I've forged every major currency in Europe in my time.
And what are the other problems? Well, there's the ink.
Nobody's ever succeeded in breaking down the dyes.
Look at the folds in the gown of Britannia.
And the number of curlicues.
So easy to miss just one.
See the watermark? Do you know how they put that watermark into the pulp? How? It's pressed in with a wire mesh that's got to be accurate to five-tenths of a millimetre.
And then, even if you get all that right, you face your biggest problem of all.
The figures and dates of the series.
They have to correspond exactly.
Otherwise, they'll be spotted.
I'm telling you, my friend.
Costs a lot of money to make money.
I wouldn't be in here if it didn't.
But, Solly, this is different.
I can get all the resources I want.
Things you never could.
I can get the cooperation of chemical works, printing works, paper mills.
I mean, anything I want, I can have.
I've got the chance of making a fortune.
I'm not going to let it slip.
Well, good luck to you.
I've told you all I know.
Look, Solly, I need more than your advice.
I want you to run the operation.
- Me? But I'm in prison.
- I can get you out.
You're working for the government, Solly.
- Essential war work.
- The government? - But I'm a crook.
- So are they.
The only difference between them and us is they're homicidal maniacs.
What do you say? I'm scared, Gerhard.
I'll tell you frankly, I'm afraid to leave this place.
- I feel safe here.
- Listen, old friend.
We are going to forge millions and millions of English five-pound notes and drop them all over England.
But they've got to be perfect.
And if they are, they'll pay for your passage out of Germany, me a spot in the sun and all the women I ever dreamt of.
We are going to be rich, Solly.
The war is a windfall for us.
But a graveyard for a lot of others.
Well, what do you do when the lunatics take over the asylum? It's every man for himself.
All right, what can I lose? So it's business as usual then, eh? Business as usual.
Now, put your feet up, Solly.
Relax.
You're gonna be rich.
Get used to it.
Richer than you've ever dreamt of.
For one who had recently left Spandau, Barracks 19 of Sachsenhausen concentration camp might seem like a step down in the world.
But this was where Solly and I were sent to set up our highly secret operation.
The staff came from all the jails and concentration camps of Germany.
We had to spend weeks searching for them, even though each one of them was a living legend in the underworld of forgery.
Solly hand-picked every one.
And when the time came, we had the most brilliant team of forgers ever assembled under one roof.
You are all, without exception, the scum of Germany.
However, even the lowest form of humanity can be useful to the success of one noble enterprise.
But do not think the party in any way condones your disgusting profession, just because it intends to profit from it.
On the contrary, it abominates it.
However, in wartime, every resource, however unpleasant, must be used.
And you may look upon yourselves as sewage being recycled into the national war effort.
Naturally, I want you to put your hearts and souls into this work for your country.
I want you to work with as much skill and artistry as if you were producing the notes for yourselves.
Do not, however, come to regard any of them as your own.
Private SCHULZ here has devised a fool-proof system of accounting that will mean certain death for anyone who so much as thinks of it.
Rations will be good here in Barracks 19.
Far better than any of you swine have been used to in those prisons and labour camps you come from.
I shall allow a radio, newspapers, and a cigarette ration.
Indeed, if things go well, I shall even permit the playing of ping-pong with the guards.
Do you know the guards are very fond of ping-pong? And now, go to it with a will.
Give Germany another weapon in the fight against England and forge for the Führer! You know, these men could do with a lesson in gratitude, Schumacher.
Come with me.
Now, I am most concerned for the welfare of your men.
Will you get out of my way, you swine? What are they going to need in the way of barest essentials? Beds or are they more at home on the floor? Beds, sir.
Good God, they'll be asking for suet next.
Now, don't let your men go flat, SCHULZ.
Every one must realise the importance of what is going on here.
And also the importance of secrecy.
That's why the windows are boarded up.
I hadn't noticed that.
Well, carry on, SCHULZ.
Forge ahead.
So it was a great relief to be walking to the warden's office for my release.
Soon I'd be a free man again, ready to face the summer of 1939.
These are stirring times, SCHULZ.
You'll find the country in the grip of a great surge of patriotism.
Yes, sir.
It looks as if the might of Poland will attack us soon, and Germany will be at war again.
If that terrible thing should happen, you will have the opportunity to redeem yourself by living the life of a soldier.
I hope you won't let your country down.
That's exactly what I said to myself this morning, sir.
I said, "Here's a chance to redeem myself.
" This is your second term in Spandau.
The first was for defrauding an old lady of her life savings.
Well, I prefer to think I invested them badly.
I was young, inexperienced.
And this time was also for fraud.
You raised money on a scheme to make gold out of iron oxide and quartz, by heating them in an electric furnace, a chemical impossibility.
It wasn't considered so at the time, sir.
In fact, I think I could truthfully say that my firm was the first to prove conclusively that it simply couldn't be done.
One can only hope you've learned your lesson, SCHULZ.
Oh, yes, sir.
You have absolutely no excuse.
A man of your ability and education should amount to something, not spend his life in prison.
That is my intention, sir, to amount to something, and not return to prison.
You are to report to Herr Krauss, of Krauss Underwear.
He's a most civic-minded employer, a most patriotic man.
He is short of staff due to conscription and will give you work until the army calls you to the colours.
Let us hope it will enable you to return to a life of honesty, in the service of our glorious fatherland.
I realised my mistake.
The world outside was definitely going mad.
It was only a week before the lunatics took over completely.
War was declared.
And after a month with Herr Krauss, I found underwear little better than Spandau Prison.
It just isn't possible! These are my latest designs with the patented buttoning fly.
But Herr Krauss, there is a war on.
Exactly! And our boys at the front should have only the best.
The best guns, the best rations, and, Herr Sturmer, the best underpants.
Naturally, we are trying.
But 80 marks a gross, that won't get you the best.
It cannot be done for 80 marks a gross.
Not the best, not even the second-best.
Let me assure you, Herr Krauss, we at the Ministry of Supply have calculated this price allows for a very reasonable profit.
Profit? I'm not talking about profit.
I'm talking about the will to win.
Which, if I say it myself, exists in Krauss Underwear as strongly as anywhere in Germany.
But 80 marks a gross, that doesn't even pay for basic raw materials and labour.
I'll talk to my superiors.
In a week, they'll be full of holes.
Uncomfortable for a fighting man.
If I could go to 81 and a half, would that make a difference? What sort of impression are the British going to get if they take our boys prisoner, with their underpants full of holes? Have you thought about that? 81 and a half a gross, that could make all the difference.
Joy through strength, Herr Sturmer.
I think that should extend to underpants.
Leave it to me.
I hope to get back to you in a few days.
They say the war will be over by Christmas.
I knew the war wouldn't be over by Christmas.
And I also knew that if I didn't find a safe little spot somewhere, I'd very soon find myself in the army.
Well, I'd found it.
80 marks a gross! What does he take me for? If we can't do better than that in wartime, we might as well surrender immediately.
The war could be over by Christmas, Herr Krauss.
Thank you, I don't want to hear that kind of talk.
I just got contracts here for 100,OOO pairs of army underpants.
When are there orders like that in peacetime? Well, I only thought You better watch it.
Raising people's hopes, there's a new law about that.
It's called "endangering the defensive power of the German people".
There was a clerk shot for that the other week.
- I'm sorry, Herr Krauss.
- Yeah.
War over by Christmas.
It's the most depressing thought I've had all week.
What's the matter with everybody? Nobody wants to fight any more.
Damn Poles collapsed in three weeks.
Draft an ad for the paper, will you? If I don't get some more labour in, I'll never meet those orders on time.
I'm leaving, sir.
You're what? I said, I'm leaving.
Well, you've only been here a month.
I'm going to Postal Censorship.
I've got to see Major Neuheim on Monday.
You selfish little swine.
You don't give a damn how I meet those orders, do you? Or whether I attract penalty clauses for failing to deliver on time.
Well the country comes first, Herr Krauss.
But how am I going to make underpants if everybody keeps joining the army? Your duty is here, you idiot! Well, you see, I speak five different languages, so I'm going to Postal Censorship.
Postal Censorship! Oh, I understand.
I understand perfectly.
You've found yourself a nice little number.
You intend to sit out the war in some safe little office, just read about it in other people's letters.
I should have known better than to employ an ex-jailbird.
Well, listen, dear, you go off to Postal Censorship.
There's nothing I can do to stop you.
But I just hope a British bomber comes, and drops on the building, and blows you to bits.
I sat there laughing to myself.
In fact, I was very soon to be laughing on the other side of my face.
Scum! Traitors! You're going to regret the day you drew your first breath.
I shall have you shot for this, do you hear? Shot! You're a disgrace to the Führer, to the fatherland, and to the German Army.
You're not fit to wear those uniforms.
Take them off.
I said, take those uniforms off! A nice little game you've been playing, haven't you? You thought we didn't know about it.
Do you think Kube and I are a couple of idiots? We've been following every move you've made.
Your contact, Mueller, was picked up a week ago and confessed everything.
Your little plot to assassinate the Führer and make peace with the British is known to us, and to the Führer.
And don't think we don't know there's more behind you.
The whole higher command of the Army is not worthy of the Führer's trust.
Well, we will clean it out! Out! Major Neuheim's office.
Yes, General, he's here.
Just a minute.
Heydrich.
My dear Reinhard.
Yes, I've got them both here.
They're supposed to meet the two British officers tomorrow morning in a café in Villmar.
That's on the Dutch border.
Of course, Reinhard.
Don't worry.
I'll have those Britishers here in Berlin tomorrow night.
Goodbye.
Have you met these two British officers before? No.
No, I know you haven't.
But they're waiting for you to bring the British peace proposals? Yes.
Yes, I know they are.
What are their names? Colonel Clyde Withers and Major Harrison Smith! I know their names.
They both work for the British Secret Service.
How were you supposed to identify yourselves? With the phrase "the war could be over by Christmas".
You swine! You're supposed to be soldiers and you want the war to be over by Christmas? Well, your war will be over sooner than that, I can tell you! Take them away, Schumacher.
Move.
The Führer wants those two British agents brought back to Berlin for interrogation.
Heydrich thinks the best way is for us to keep the appointment at the Dutch border, and kidnap them.
But Holland is a neutral country.
How does he suggest we do it without creating a diplomatic incident? Oh, let the diplomats worry about the incidents.
The Führer has ordered this personally.
But we don't speak English.
Of course we don't! We're at war with the English! Come! What is that? Private SCHULZ reporting for duty, Herr Major.
He is your new private and confidential clerk.
Is this some kind of joke, Schumacher? No, sir.
Private SCHULZ has been draughted here.
All the documents arrived this morning.
I think there's been some kind of mistake.
I had an interview with Postal Censorship.
This isn't Postal Censorship, is it? Postal Censorship? Of course it isn't Postal Censorship! What is he babbling about? From time to time, suitable applicants are passed on to us from Postal Censorship, sir.
Private SCHULZ had a technical education and speaks five languages fluently.
Including English? Including English, Serbo-Croat, French, Romanian and Dutch.
- Dutch.
- He also has a prison record.
What for? Fraud, sir.
Fraud? He could be useful to us, Neuheim.
But I keep trying to tell you, there's been some mistake.
- I shouldn't be here at all.
- Shut up, damn you, or I'll have you shot! Who do you think you are? I decide who comes into the SS and who leaves.
Would you get him out of here, Schumacher? And for God's sake, get him a tailor.
Yes, sir! Move! Did he say he speaks English and Dutch? - Yes.
- Then he could be useful to us, Kube.
Halt! Schumacher, this man speaks English and Dutch? - Yes, sir! - Well, I'll take him with me! Get him a suit of clothes, a false passport, and some travellers cheques! I want him ready to leave - for the Dutch border tonight! - Yes, Major! You're working to the Führer's personal orders now, SCHULZ.
What do you think of that? We are here.
We're not far now.
You're not worried about anything, are you? No, sir.
It's just that I've never done this sort of thing before.
This is wartime, SCHULZ.
We all have to learn new skills.
Do you like this car? It's very comfortable, sir.
Doors, windows, completely bullet-proof.
Designed by the technical section of the SS.
Look at this.
Clever, eh? No one would suspect I wasn't just going away for the night.
But I thought we were supposed to be going unarmed, sir? Cooperating with the enemy is a treasonable offence, SCHULZ.
The driver is armed too, just in case.
My God, I'm looking forward to this.
When those two British idiots realise we're taking them back to Berlin with us.
You said this was a diplomatic mission, sir.
Yes, a diplomatic mission to kidnap a couple of British officers and take them back to Berlin.
A personal commendation from the Führer himself, SCHULZ.
That's what I'm after.
Or die in the attempt.
A glorious death, hounding the traitors who plotted against our Führer's life.
If you don't mind me saying so, Major, the war's hardly got going.
Isn't it a bit early for bravado? You don't suppose I intend to throw our lives away needlessly? Well, if it's a question of my life, sir Do you begrudge it? For the Reich? No, of course not.
I was just trying to establish Well? The plan, sir.
How do you propose to get us back to Berlin? You leave the plans to me and worry about your interpreting.
I haven't been a member of the SS for three years without learning something.
Long live Queen Wilhelmina! Tell them to get a move on, SCHULZ.
We haven't got all day.
You had better behave, sir.
The major is a very violent man.
He's quite capable of shooting us all.
It's against every rule in the conduct of war.
What's he moaning about, SCHULZ? He's suggesting you're not playing it fair, sir.
Oh, is he? Well, you tell him if he doesn't get a move on, I'll shoot one of them.
We don't need them both.
Move! I don't think the Major's very interested in the rules, sir.
Tell your Major Neuheim this is going to have very serious international repercussions, kidnapping British officers on neutral territory.
Get in first, SCHULZ.
Move! They have brought a firing party.
You cheating swine! Well, two can play that game.
Drive, SCHULZ.
It'd be easier if you did, sir.
You're in the front.
I said drive, fool.
I can't.
Can't what? I don't know how to drive.
- You don't? - Are you deaf? How was I to know the chauffeur was gonna get himself shot? Drive! Use the door, for God's sake! And get shot at? This man is injured.
I demand medical attention! Under article Tell him to shut up, SCHULZ, or I'll shoot him! I think the Major would prefer if you waited, sir.
We are a bit busy at the moment, and it is best not to annoy him.
There's no keys.
Where are they? How should I know? The chauffeur must have them.
I'm not going out there.
You'll be quite safe.
I'll keep you covered.
No, sir, I'm not going out there for anything.
I'll shoot you if you don't, you swine! Well, in that case, I prefer to be shot in here.
You idiot! We'll all be shot if you don't get those keys! With your permission, sir.
Strictly speaking, this is a criminal offence, but under the circumstances - Tell your Major Neuheim - Tell him to shut up! Tell your Major Neuheim, - he can't escape.
- Tell him to shut up! He's trapped in no man's land.
He'll have to surrender.
SCHULZ, tell him to shut up! Surrender? He will shoot us first.
Your only chance of staying alive is to come back to Germany.
Drive, SCHULZ, you filthy crook, and don't stop at that barricade.
Thank you, sir.
Faster, SCHULZ, faster.
Don't stop.
The SS will pay for the damage.
Major Neuheim became a national hero for this exploit.
He even received a special commendation from the Führer.
While I, unfortunately, had my appointment to SS Counter-Espionage confirmed.
Still, I thought this was a small price to pay for having emerged from Neuheim's madcap scheme unscathed.
SCHULZ, bring your notebook.
It was Neuheim's task to produce a flow of clever counter-espionage ideas that would meet with the approval of his superiors.
One of these schemes involved the notorious Salon Kitty.
known as the Salon Kitty.
Salon Kitty was a brothel for high- ranking officers and visiting vlPs.
Handsome gigolo Dressed up all for show What a wasted life you're leading Dancing till the dawn Youth and future gone Love will pass you by unheeding Just a soul on hire To the highest buyer Cast off when they tire tomorrow Friends may come, but they'll go Leaving handsome gigolo A heart that brims with sorrow You're just a shop window lover, gigolo Your love's for sale and you want this world to know You're just an escort for sentimental ladies Whose charms have faded and left them long ago Salon Kitty was a paradise if you didn't know one particular thing about it.
Neuheim had had all the bedrooms wired up, because he imagined the customers would be whispering state secrets, and all sorts of disloyalty, under the influence of sex.
It had the Führer's approval, but then the Führer wasn't a noted expert on the subject.
A listening post had been set up in the cellar.
It was my job to sit there hour after hour, glued to a set of headphones, monitoring the conversations in the bedrooms.
It wasn't a duty I looked forward to.
It was like being permanently tickled with a feather and never being allowed to laugh.
And I'd made the mistake of breaking one of the golden rules of life.
I'd fallen for forbidden fruit.
Bertha, Bertha Freya, a peach.
Only, I wasn't allowed into the orchard.
brims with sorrow Next time, perhaps, Major.
And what brave secrets did our master spy overhear tonight? Nothing much.
Just the usual.
Grunts, groans.
And what do you expect here from a whore's bugged bedroom? Counter-espionage? Bertha, I was thinking, perhaps one night I could Well, you and I could You can't afford me, Gerhard.
And besides, I told you, I can't do it with anyone below the rank of major.
I've got a psychological block.
I can get hold of some real coffee.
I've got a cupboard full.
And now, for the real business of what they're calling the phoney war.
From an airfield somewhere in England, the RAF is about to pay Hitler a visit.
But it's still gentle persuasion from our boys of the air, as they prepare to drop leaflets over Berlin and other German cities.
Millions of them, urging the ordinary people of Germany that war simply isn't in their interest.
Let's hope this makes the Huns see sense.
Don't forget the stamp, boys.
And good luck.
Are they mad, the British? They're bombing us with leaflets.
They dropped five million pieces of paper on the Ruhr last night.
That's typical of the British, sir.
They're the worst litter louts in Europe.
Yes.
Well, they surely don't expect the German people to read them.
Oh, no, sir.
They're just hoping to make our cities as filthy as their own.
- Alfred.
- What? - Heydrich's on the line.
- Well? Well, he's in a fury over these leaflets.
He wants to know if he should advise Goering to drop our own leaflets on London.
Well, what do you think? Would the British read our leaflets if we dropped them? Is it worth it? I had the call transferred to you.
Major Neuheim's office.
General Heydrich, sir.
You've lived in Britain.
Would the British read our leaflets if we dropped them over London? I doubt they'd even notice them, sir.
There's too much rubbish lying about in the streets already.
My dear Reinhard, what can I do for you? Yes, Kube and I were just discussing them.
My opinion? Well, in my opinion, dropping leaflets on the British would be a complete waste of time.
Their streets are so filthy they probably wouldn't even notice them.
Thank you, Reinhard.
Of course, we'll think of something.
Goodbye.
Thank you, Alfred.
Clever little fellow, aren't you? You know, you could go a long way in the SS, if it weren't for your face.
Your face is a disadvantage.
You know that, don't you? - Sir? - Well, you look more like a Slav than a German.
There isn't any Slav in you, I suppose, is there? - Certainly not, sir! - No.
Well, I'll tell you frankly, SCHULZ, you can consider yourself lucky you've been assigned to me.
I'm going to take you under my wing.
- Thank you very much, sir.
- Yes.
Some of our SS types think it's enough to be blue-eyed and fair-haired.
But if that were the case, where would the Führer be? Not in the SS.
Exactly.
Well, that's Himmler's problem, not mine.
Mine is what to do about these damned leaflets.
May I make a suggestion, sir? Well? That we ask to Dr Goebbels to put out a statement over the radio to London, thanking the British for their contribution to the German war effort, and that we've swept up their leaflets, re-pulped them, and turned them into toilet rolls.
Get me Dr Goebbels on the telephone.
I'm sorry, but I'd better be going, little dumpling.
Oh, no.
You can't go out in an air raid.
It's safe here.
Stay and have a glass of champagne.
My wife doesn't appreciate it when I have too many glasses of champagne.
- Good night, Kitty.
- Good night, Professor.
Good night.
It's probably only a practice firing anyway.
Clothing coupons? They must be mad.
- Walter.
- You're late.
Schumacher's downstairs, waiting to be relieved.
- Can I talk to you? - Not now, I'm tired.
I haven't been on my feet all day.
But I've got something I think you might like.
Which means I've got something you'd like.
You don't give up, do you? - Look, I've told you before - Look, would you take clothing coupons? Clothing coupons? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
How many have you got? - About 50 sheets.
- 50? Downstairs.
- Where have you been? - Sorry, I got caught up in an air raid.
- I didn't hear any air raid.
- I'm not surprised.
I think you'd better go and get a cold shower.
I hate this job.
It's just a waste of time.
You could go blind, you know.
Well - Where did you get these? - On the black market.
They're forged.
- Oh, what? - And very crudely forged.
Did you seriously think I could be bought with forged clothing coupons? What about real ones? Well, actually, I prefer foreign currency.
Now, if you can get hold of some Swiss francs or British banknotes British banknotes? We're at war with the British, remember? Anyway, I can't get foreign currency.
No, but I can, and do.
And have them tucked away against the day Ah! You think Germany might lose the war.
I don't think anything.
But a girl must hedge her bets.
I'm beginning to have serious doubts about your war aims, Bertha.
Listen, my friend, my aims are very simple.
One is to survive the war, and the other is to do as well as I can out of it.
Which, as far as I can see, is no more than the leaders of our beloved party hope to do.
Then you ought to be more careful who you talk to.
I am.
I only talk to you, because I know your war aims are no different to mine.
British banknotes.
Wait a minute, Walter.
Don't be so rough.
You'll tear them.
Here, let me take them off.
There, how's that? Oh, Inga.
Oh, Hilda! Oh, Gretchen! Oh, Christ! The dropping of leaflets by the British, we chose to regard as a joke.
Something to laugh at and ignore.
But this is no laughing matter, and we insist on retaliation.
My Führer, SS Counter-Espionage will not stand by and see the German economy undermined by the dropping of forged clothing coupons.
Apart from anything else, they're such bad forgeries, Major Neuheim.
They'll get better unless we retaliate, Count Von Fritsch.
Führer, in Dr Funk's opinion and in mine, it would be a misuse of resources to put men to work forging clothing coupons.
Frankly, I consider it childish.
The British disagree with you.
The British are indulging their national passion for games.
Besides, it's obviously escaped the notice of SS Counter-Espionage that clothing is not yet rationed in Britain.
Major Neuheim, you've not been doing your homework.
Well, food is rationed, isn't it? We can drop forged ration books.
Führer, this discussion is becoming absurd.
The British are not short of food and won't be until the U-boat war gets fully underway.
Apart from which, it is in the intention of the Ministry of Economics to fight this war according to the rules of the Geneva Convention.
What has that got to do with it? Nowhere in those rules does it allow for the barbarous destruction of a nation's economy by the dropping of forged ration books.
In my opinion, it could easily constitute a war crime.
Then the British have already committed one.
Exactly, and those responsible will answer for it.
In the courts, after the war.
Are you insane at the Ministry? Do you think anyone cares about the courts? We are at war! There are rules of war, Major Neuheim.
And while Dr Funk is head of the Ministry of Economics, those rules will be adhered to.
Führer, I appeal to you.
He's right, Major Neuheim.
What will the dropping of forged ration books accomplish, if the British aren't yet short of food? - Well, we can drop other things.
- Such as? Anything that would disrupt the British war effort.
We can drop forged driving licences, savings certificates and fake university degrees.
We can drop forged identity cards, Post Office Savings Bank books, medical certificates that keep you out of the army - And British banknotes.
and British banknotes.
And British banknotes! We'll forge everything.
Every new document they invent, we'll forge.
We have the capacity.
We can destroy their power to organise anything! Banknotes? British banknotes? Never while Dr Funk is alive will British banknotes be forged! - Never! - Why not? You are despicable, Major Neuheim.
Despicable! Killing is one thing.
That is inevitable in time of war.
In the heat of battle, an army may even burn a church, sometimes with a congregation in it, though that would be deeply regrettable.
But when you attack the integrity of the British pound, and encourage others to do the same with the German mark, you strike the roots of European law and order.
Never will we permit it.
- Never! - Come, now, Count Von Fritsch.
There's no need to get so upset.
My Führer, forgive me.
But I remember 1923 and the misery of that inflation.
And I feel compelled to say that if such a monstrous proposal were accepted, you would have Dr Funk's resignation in the morning.
And mine.
Did you hear Goebbels on the radio last night on the subject of the leaflets the British dropped? I was working late last night.
He was wonderful.
He thanked the British for their contribution to the German war effort, and said the leaflets had been swept up, re-pulped, and turned into toilet rolls.
Ha! Joseph, sometimes, you know, so clever.
Well, if the Ministry of Economics objects, you must think of something else, Major Neuheim.
- Thank you, Führer.
- Thank you.
Good day, gentlemen.
Good day, Führer.
Heil, my Führer.
Heil, my Führer.
Major Neuheim.
You haven't seen the model of the monument I'm going to build after the war.
- Come and look at it.
- Wait outside.
I like your little idea, Major Neuheim, about the banknotes.
Of course, I couldn't say so in front of Fritsch.
Bankers are all so stuffy.
All they ever see is keeping the economy stable.
But I have to see everything.
All my life, people have been saying to me, "You can't do this.
You can't do that.
" But I say to them, "Remember Professor Heinkel and the bumblebee!" Bumblebee, Führer? Bumblebee.
I'm assured by Professor Heinkel that according to the laws of aerodynamics, the bumblebee cannot fly.
It has something to do with the ratio of its wing span to its weight.
But the bumblebee, Major Neuheim, ignorant of this scientific fact, does fly.
So I say to people, "Sometimes it is better to be a bumblebee "than it is to be Professor Heinkel.
" I shall remember that story, Führer, for the rest of my life.
It is not only innocence that protects itself, but ignorance, too.
That has been my experience.
Well will it work? Forging British banknotes? I'm certain of it.
Well, not a word to the Ministry of Economics.
The whole operation must be kept top secret between me and my little SS.
Hey? Yes, Führer! Heil, my Führer.
The Führer has agreed to that little scheme of mine, SCHULZ.
We are going to break the Bank of England, SCHULZ.
We're going to forge millions of English banknotes and inject them like a dose of flu into the British economy.
The Bank of England will shortly be running a high temperature.
- I shall get started straightaway, sir.
- You? This isn't a job for an amateur, you fool.
We need the professionals.
I shall hand the whole thing over to the technical section of the SS.
They've had a vast experience of forging everything.
It can't be done.
What do you mean, it can't be done? It can't be done.
Well, it can be done, but not properly.
The forgeries would be spotted in no time.
Why? The paper, for one thing.
You can't get it.
Since about 1750, it's been supplied to the Bank of England by a single family, from their paper mills.
No one has ever succeeded in getting any of it out.
Then, Captain Ohm, we will make our own.
We can't.
We've shredded it, we've pulped it, we've analysed it.
We have destroyed about a thousand pounds in British five-pound notes doing it.
No one can identify where the paper comes from, or how it's made.
It's a linen of some sort, probably from their colonies in Asia, but that's all we can tell you.
Are you telling me that what I've promised the Führer could be done can't be done? What can't be done, Major, can't be done! With all our technical resources, we don't know how to do it.
Not properly.
Have you never heard of the bumblebee, Captain Ohm, and how it manages to fly? No.
It flies, damn you, because it doesn't know how not to! With due respect to you, Major, and to the bumblebee, my department has a vast experience in forging everything.
Now, if it were rubles, for instance I don't want rubles! or Japanese yen, or a complete dossier on Marshal Tukhachevsky, which we supplied to Stalin in 1937, implicating his commander-in-chief in negotiations with the Third Reich Oh! Shut up, shut up, shut up! All right, you've had your successes.
But you are telling me that you cannot forge British five-pound notes? That is what you are telling me? Yes, Major, that is what we are telling you.
That is our opinion, after considerable research.
Oh, get out, get out, get out! You incompetent clown! You fool! The technical section of the SS says it can't be done.
I should have known better than to listen to you in the first place.
With all due respect, sir, to the technical section of the SS, do you think they're the best authority on forgery? Lf, as I suggested to you in the first place, you could let me handle this, I think I could get us a little further than Captain Ohm.
" and to render him every aid and facility "in carrying out his work for the high command "of the security forces of the SS.
"Signed, Major Neuheim.
" What can the high command of the SS want here? Ask him to come in.
What can I do for you? You? - SCHULZ? - Yes, Warden.
Well I'm glad to see you've done so well for yourself, SCHULZ.
I thought you were with Krauss, of Krauss Underwear.
You have a prisoner here, Ephraim Solikov.
Solikov.
Ah, yes, the Jew.
He's working just down the corridor.
- Bring him in here.
- Fetch Solikov to my office at once.
He's to be transferred to a camp, I suppose.
Good.
Excellent.
Much more suitable.
What else can I do for you? You can clear out of this office while I interrogate him.
I don't want to be disturbed.
Make yourself at home.
Hello, Solly.
Gerhard? Gerhard SCHULZ? Oh, my God, I thought Hey, Solly, come on, calm down.
Hey.
- What are you doing in that uniform? - Don't worry about that.
Come and sit down.
Relax.
Schnapps? Schnapps? Are you crazy? That's the warden's liquor! Well, he told me to make myself at home.
It's amazing the effect this uniform has on people.
Here you are, drink it down.
Solly.
Did you ever forge one of these? An English fiver? - I don't think it can be done.
- Oh, don't say that.
I'm relying on you.
On me? Why? What are you? Crazy or something? I'm in here doing a stretch for counterfeiting, and you're talking to me about forging fivers, in the warden's office! Listen.
Calm down.
Sit down.
I'll explain it to you.
I've been given official clearance from the highest authority to forge English five-pound notes.
Millions of them.
They're all a bit mad outside, Solly.
- The highest authority? - The very highest.
And they've put you in charge? They must be mad.
Now, listen, I need your advice.
The technical section of the SS say that can't be done.
They say it's impossible to get the paper.
They're right.
Nobody's ever succeeded in getting hold of any.
Well, didn't you ever find out what it was, where it came from? Sure, I found out.
I worked on it once with a Czech chemist called Kapa.
Back in the '20s.
We destroyed so many notes finding out, we ran out of money.
What else did you discover? It's made from a special linen they import from India.
India? That'll be difficult.
Don't need to go to India.
We found out there's a place in Turkey which produces an identical linen.
But listen, Gerhard, forget it.
It's too difficult.
I know.
And believe me, I've forged every major currency in Europe in my time.
And what are the other problems? Well, there's the ink.
Nobody's ever succeeded in breaking down the dyes.
Look at the folds in the gown of Britannia.
And the number of curlicues.
So easy to miss just one.
See the watermark? Do you know how they put that watermark into the pulp? How? It's pressed in with a wire mesh that's got to be accurate to five-tenths of a millimetre.
And then, even if you get all that right, you face your biggest problem of all.
The figures and dates of the series.
They have to correspond exactly.
Otherwise, they'll be spotted.
I'm telling you, my friend.
Costs a lot of money to make money.
I wouldn't be in here if it didn't.
But, Solly, this is different.
I can get all the resources I want.
Things you never could.
I can get the cooperation of chemical works, printing works, paper mills.
I mean, anything I want, I can have.
I've got the chance of making a fortune.
I'm not going to let it slip.
Well, good luck to you.
I've told you all I know.
Look, Solly, I need more than your advice.
I want you to run the operation.
- Me? But I'm in prison.
- I can get you out.
You're working for the government, Solly.
- Essential war work.
- The government? - But I'm a crook.
- So are they.
The only difference between them and us is they're homicidal maniacs.
What do you say? I'm scared, Gerhard.
I'll tell you frankly, I'm afraid to leave this place.
- I feel safe here.
- Listen, old friend.
We are going to forge millions and millions of English five-pound notes and drop them all over England.
But they've got to be perfect.
And if they are, they'll pay for your passage out of Germany, me a spot in the sun and all the women I ever dreamt of.
We are going to be rich, Solly.
The war is a windfall for us.
But a graveyard for a lot of others.
Well, what do you do when the lunatics take over the asylum? It's every man for himself.
All right, what can I lose? So it's business as usual then, eh? Business as usual.
Now, put your feet up, Solly.
Relax.
You're gonna be rich.
Get used to it.
Richer than you've ever dreamt of.
For one who had recently left Spandau, Barracks 19 of Sachsenhausen concentration camp might seem like a step down in the world.
But this was where Solly and I were sent to set up our highly secret operation.
The staff came from all the jails and concentration camps of Germany.
We had to spend weeks searching for them, even though each one of them was a living legend in the underworld of forgery.
Solly hand-picked every one.
And when the time came, we had the most brilliant team of forgers ever assembled under one roof.
You are all, without exception, the scum of Germany.
However, even the lowest form of humanity can be useful to the success of one noble enterprise.
But do not think the party in any way condones your disgusting profession, just because it intends to profit from it.
On the contrary, it abominates it.
However, in wartime, every resource, however unpleasant, must be used.
And you may look upon yourselves as sewage being recycled into the national war effort.
Naturally, I want you to put your hearts and souls into this work for your country.
I want you to work with as much skill and artistry as if you were producing the notes for yourselves.
Do not, however, come to regard any of them as your own.
Private SCHULZ here has devised a fool-proof system of accounting that will mean certain death for anyone who so much as thinks of it.
Rations will be good here in Barracks 19.
Far better than any of you swine have been used to in those prisons and labour camps you come from.
I shall allow a radio, newspapers, and a cigarette ration.
Indeed, if things go well, I shall even permit the playing of ping-pong with the guards.
Do you know the guards are very fond of ping-pong? And now, go to it with a will.
Give Germany another weapon in the fight against England and forge for the Führer! You know, these men could do with a lesson in gratitude, Schumacher.
Come with me.
Now, I am most concerned for the welfare of your men.
Will you get out of my way, you swine? What are they going to need in the way of barest essentials? Beds or are they more at home on the floor? Beds, sir.
Good God, they'll be asking for suet next.
Now, don't let your men go flat, SCHULZ.
Every one must realise the importance of what is going on here.
And also the importance of secrecy.
That's why the windows are boarded up.
I hadn't noticed that.
Well, carry on, SCHULZ.
Forge ahead.