Raising Hope s01e01 Episode Script

Hey, where'd you disappear to last night? After the party, I tried to ride some dude's Great Dane all the way to the water tower and back.
It didn't go well.
Did you see that kooky chick that I was carrying around on my shoulders? Yeah? I left with her.
She convinced me to get a tattoo.
Oh, that is awesome.
I want one.
Why does he think that's so funny? Right? This is our job! Jimmy, he's the boss, man.
You think I like it when he pushes me in the bushes when I'm taking a leak? I don't.
The thorns hurt my wiener.
But this is the career path that we've chosen.
Hey, where you going? - I quit.
- Come on, you can't walk out mid-skim.
Do you have any idea how unprofessional that is? Keep your skirt on.
Hey, Mom.
What are you doing home? I quit.
There's gotta be more to life than cleaning the same pool over and over.
There isn't.
What the devil are you ladies in such a hurry for? You know we're going to scrub toilets, right? You forgot your shirt again, Great-Maw Maw.
Now I was super messed up Like it would never end Floating over the blacktop Without a single friend But down came a light beam Right through my breaking heart Message from the galaxy That's how it's gotta start Bang pop pop When does the searching stop? Bang bang pop pop When the mind goes Bang bang pop pop When does the moment stop? Bang bang pop pop Oh, way, oh Now she was walking downstairs Completely crystallized Your father's home.
Come eat.
Dad.
Jimmy.
Your cousin Mike and I could have used you today.
There was a dead bird in the Wexlers' pool filter.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have pissed off the guy who's not afraid to touch a dead bird.
Oh, we got it out.
Used a stick and an old candy bar wrapper.
It took a few tries, but we got it out.
So, how's your philostrophical journey for the meaning of life going? I'm working on it.
Didn't exactly figure out my purpose in life yet, but if I ever record an album, I'm pretty sure I've got my cover.
How was work, Wilfred? Did you sell any encyclopedias today? Why does she always pick me to be her dead husband? Maybe that's your purpose.
Just play along.
Memories are all your great-grandmother has left.
Whoa! Okay.
Okay, okay.
Okay.
Okay, Maw Maw.
Why don't you go see if Lawrence Welk is on the TV and I'll bring you your treat.
Good.
Really good.
Doggone it! We're out of bubblegum ice cream.
Oh, man, that's not fair.
I was washing Maw Maw out of my mouth.
Help! Help! Drive.
Drive, drive, drive! Who is that guy? What's happening? Nice try, jerk.
What's going on? Hello? What's What's Oh, my God, this is so crazy.
You've just, like, saved my life.
Really? I What? You totally just saved my life.
Wow.
You're like a hero.
And you're cute.
Really? Yeah, you saved my life and you're cute.
Wow, this is fantastic.
- Hey, here's the hero.
- That's me.
Pull up a chair, sleepyhead.
Your new friend's been explaining the news to us.
She can even pronounce that nutty Iran guy's name.
Say it again.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Virginia, do you mind if I use the bathroom? Last door on the left, hon.
If you're doing big business, you gotta flush twice.
And don't be running the sink during the second flush, or you're going to have to give it a third go-round.
Okay, got it.
Be right back.
Say it again.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
I like her, Jimmy.
She thought I was your sister.
You could be his sister, you sweet little young thing.
I told you getting pregnant at 15 would pay off eventually.
Yeah, she's pretty great, right? Here I was, trying to figure out what life was all about, and I think I found it.
Love.
I think I might be in love.
Anybody happen to catch her name? Her name's Lucy.
This morning, police are searching for this woman, Lucy Carlyle, aka Joan Doyle, aka Selma Ridesdale.
Carlyle is wanted for murder in multiple cases.
She kills her boyfriends.
Two, so far.
We've been trying to catch her, but she keeps changing her name.
She's tricky.
She tried to choke me with a pair of shoelaces.
She was screaming something about how I forgot her birthday.
I chased her for a few blocks, but then she jumped into a van with some guy.
Good luck, dude.
Her birthday's May 12th.
I'd buy a card now.
Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of Lucy Carlyle should contact police immediately.
And remember, she may look sweet, but she is extremely dangerous.
And in lighter news, a small-time crook with a long list of wrongs he was making amends for has finally finished, and you'll never guess how it ended.
Call the police.
Your girlfriend's pretty clever.
For her last meal, she asked for a McRib and a Shamrock Shake.
That should buy her a few months.
Those two are almost never available at the same limited time.
She's not my girlfriend.
- Hey, sweetie.
- Hey.
- Miss me? - Um Yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Is that what you needed to talk about? What are you doing? She gets an hour a day to exercise.
An hour? You should check with the warden.
I get an hour and a half.
An hour for me, and a half hour for me and Jimmy's baby.
I don't expect anything from you.
I just thought you should know you're gonna be a dad.
And you know what the best part is? I'm supposed to get the electric chair in seven months.
That was before they knew I was pregnant.
There's no way they're going to kill the mother of a six-month-old baby.
What's its name? She named it Princess Beyonce, but I think I might change that.
Don't you dare! That name's badass.
A baby? Good Lord.
Well, you can safe-drop it at the fire station.
Only, make sure you hand it to someone.
You can't just throw it in the bin out front.
I think that's for canned goods and puppies.
I'm not taking her to the fire station.
Yeah, we don't have time for that.
We got a rave tonight we gotta get ready for.
I can't go to a rave.
You have to go.
You're my ride.
If I take my bike, my pants will get all wrinkled, and then all of this ironing will be for naught! Look, guys, I'm keeping this baby and I'd appreciate a little support.
Get that dog off my couch! You can't keep it, Jimmy.
A baby will dramastically change your life.
What are you gonna feed it? Do you even have clothes for it? I bet you don't even know where to go to get reasonably priced portraits.
I'll figure all that stuff out.
I just got her, like, an hour ago.
How'd you even get it home? You don't have a special seat.
I put her in the beanbag in the back of the van and I drove real slow.
Huh.
- Okay.
- Jimmy, what if we took the baby with us to the rave? Okay, check it out.
We'll give her a giant lollipop and tell everyone she's a munchkin.
- No.
- Oh, come on, man.
She just got out of prison.
Let her have some fun.
Look, I'm gonna get one of those special seats for her.
I'm gonna get her lots of baby things.
With what money? I'll trade my stuff for it.
The pawn shop's full of baby junk, and my old crib is in the garage.
Just keep an eye on her till I get back.
You're not leaving that baby here.
I have to.
I'm not driving with her again until I get the special seat.
Even driving slow, that beanbag slid around a lot on turns.
We're not helping you with this, Jimmy.
That's the only way you're gonna realize it's a stupid idea and go drop it at the fire station.
Wanna go see the fire trucks, pumpkin? Hmm? Hey, isn't that one of our carts? Oh, no.
It's my family's cart.
It's been in our backyard since I was three.
Yeah, right.
Come on, just give it back.
I'm not lying, all right? It's ours.
When it's nice out, we put it over a fire and use it as a grill.
See, look, there's a little cheese left.
Why is there a baby in there? Oh, uh, I don't have a regular baby-pusher thing yet, so we're headed to the pawn shop right now.
Sir, whose baby is that? Mine.
Her name is Princess Beyonce, but I'm thinking of changing that.
Oh.
See, I don't have a bottle yet.
And I just got her a few hours ago.
Sabrina, what the dog doo? Break's over.
I need you.
Somebody took all the soup cans off the shelf and put them back upside down again.
Who would put all the soup cans upside down? Oh, me.
- Why? - I don't know.
I work at a grocery store.
I get bored.
Sabrina! Okay, just promise me that that's your baby.
Oh, I promise.
Just calm down, Maw Maw.
It's not as bad as you think.
What's going on? She's lucid.
It's been almost five minutes.
Oh, that is a long one.
So, you're telling me that I just let all of you live in my house, free? - Unbelievable.
- It's Jimmy.
Hello? Who the hell are you? I'm Mike, Jimmy's cousin? You and I are related by divorce, or something.
I live in a tent in your laundry room.
Not anymore, you don't.
You guys, pack up all your gypsy circus and find another teat to suck on.
You're kidding me.
The shopping cart got stolen when he was in the pawn shop.
Oh, man! I was gonna grill burgers this weekend.
This baby's messing up everything.
Well, I can't just leave.
We've got a situation here.
- Your great-grandmother's having a - Is that Wilfred? Tell him to stop by the butcher shop on the way home, because the Greensteins are coming over for dinner tonight, and all I've got in the ice box is pork chops.
Never mind.
We're good.
I knew I was gonna get snookered into this.
I do not have time for a baby in my life, Jimmy.
It's one time.
I won't bother you again.
Now that I have the car seat, it's safe to have her in my van.
Your van doesn't have a back seat.
Where are you going to strap it in? What do you mean, strap it in? She's fine.
She's fine.
She's totally fine.
I can't believe you didn't strap it in.
I just thought you had to strap the baby to the seat, not the seat to the car.
I don't know how this stuff works.
You know how gravity works, don't you? Don't try and act so smart.
The only reason you knew to strap it in is because you already had a baby.
That's not true.
We didn't have those kind of safety things when you were a baby.
What are you talking about? They had car seats 20 years ago.
I didn't say they didn't have them.
I said we didn't have them.
One Saturday I took a walk to Zipperhead I met a girl there and she almost knocked me dead Punk rock girl Please look at me Virginia, squirrel! Jimmy, be careful you don't fall in the hole.
I can't believe I'm still alive.
Well, you are.
If you want that baby to stay alive, you'll listen to me and take it to the fire station.
I'm not safe-dropping my baby.
You don't know what you're doing.
I'm learning.
And the more I read, the more I realize all the stuff you did wrong.
E.
I.
you're not supposed to smoke in front of babies.
That's only when you're pregnant, stupid.
Anyway, I don't believe that.
I smoked with you, and you're fine.
Fine? I had asthma the first 17 years of my life.
I've got seven permanent teeth that still haven't come in, and I'm allergic to fruit.
Fruit! Fine! We'll walk home.
Book says fresh air is great for her.
Oh, hey.
It's you.
Weird guy.
- Nice car seat.
- Yeah, thanks.
It's a used one.
I can see that.
Who used it, baby Jesus? Yeah, it's an earlier model.
Listen, I have a question about this food.
It might be a stupid question, but I feel I should ask.
I'm sure it's not stupid.
Okay.
Well, the book I have says I should feed her vegetables, and I want to do that.
But the only vegetable jars I found have pictures of either black babies or Asian babies on them.
And I don't know if the pictures are random, you know, or if there's a reason Asian babies instead of white ones should eat these particular string beans? That is a really good question.
The color of the babies on the jars doesn't matter.
However, it's really important that you do not feed her anything with a picture of a boy on it, or else she will grow a penis.
And a mustache.
I said it might be a stupid question.
Yeah, you did.
I just I wasn't really prepared for that.
Well, the produce doodler is back.
Ugh! Your baby stinks.
Oh, wow.
All right.
I'll change her.
I knew I'd have to do this sooner or later.
No big deal.
Gin! Pick up your cards, Maw Maw.
We're playing crazy eights.
Okay.
Looks like we just use this sticky tape on the sides.
Shouldn't be too hard.
I need paper towels! I need paper towels! I need paper towels! What happened? I threw up on the baby.
You have got to be kidding me.
How in the world All clean.
And she really liked the bath, too.
I think that's gonna be a weekly thing.
And since lights out at the prison was 7:30, I think it's time for Grandma and Grandpa to come give Princess Beyonce a kiss goodnight.
Okay, then.
I'll be back in five minutes.
Deal me in next hand.
Jimmy, it has been six hours.
People are trying to sleep.
You have got to get that baby to shut up now.
Already? Please, Mom, let me play with it for five more minutes.
Please? Jimmy, do I need to remind you that we both have to work tomorrow? Maybe you can sleep-walk your way through skimming leaves, but I gotta be fresh.
I got pHs to balance.
That's science.
Get it to sleep.
I'm doing the best I can, Dad.
Clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right Here I am Stuck in the middle with you Yes, I'm Stuck in the middle with you Stuck in the middle with you Jimmy, you missed a hell of a party.
Okay, I don't know what you want.
We walked, you cried.
We rocked, you cried.
We ate, you cried.
We drank, you cried.
Maybe you just want to cry? Is that it? Would you like me to cry with you? Because I feel like crying.
What are you doing? I got this.
People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one This used to work with you.
We've just begun Think I'm gonna have a son Dim the lights.
He will be like he and me As free as a dove Conceived in love Sun is gonna shine above Even though we ain't got money I'm so in love with you, honey Everything will bring a chain of love And in the morning, when I rise Bring a tear of joy to my eyes And tell me everything is gonna be all right She's asleep.
Thanks.
Are you ready to admit you're not cut out for this? It was the first day.
I'm not dropping her at the fire station after one day.
And what makes you so sure someone else can do better than me, anyway? Jimmy, you almost killed it.
And we both threw up on it.
I can't do this without you guys.
It's not that we don't want to help you, Jimmy.
We can't.
We don't know what we're doing, either.
Well, it sure looked like you knew what you were doing in there.
We sang a song.
Anybody can sing a song.
Charles Manson can sing a song.
He's actually pretty darn good.
- Mike has his album.
- He is good.
But that doesn't mean you want him helping you raise your child.
Jimmy, what is it with you and this baby? Are you afraid people are going to look at you differently if you give it away? No one's going to look at you differently.
That's the problem, Mom.
I want people to look at me differently.
All right? I'm sick of people looking at me like I don't have a purpose.
I want people to look at me the way that baby looks at me.
Like I'm someone special.
This is a chance for me to do something good.
It's a chance for all of us to do something good.
I always did think I could have done better with a girl.
And they do say you learn by your mistakes.
We've already made every mistake there is.
What are we gonna name it? I'm not parading my granddaughter around church with a name like Princess Beyonce.
I don't know.
What do you think? I always kind of liked Hope.
Then Hope it is.
Hey, I talked to a cute girl at the grocery store yesterday.
Has she killed anyone? No, I don't think so.
You know, you need to grow a pair and take a serious run at that.
Could use another set of hands around here to help us keep that baby alive.
No, I think she thinks I'm weird.
Well, just think how happy she'll be when she finds out you're normal.
In the morning, when I rise Bring a tear of joy to my eyes I got her.
Give her a second.
In the morning, when I rise Bring a tear of joy to my eyes And tell me everything is gonna be all right English - US - SDH