Random Acts of Flyness (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
What are your thoughts on raising free black children?
♪
What up, world?
It's Terence Nance here.
Welcome to
Random Acts of Flyness,
a show about
the beauty and ugliness
-of contemporary
American life.
Uh, today, we got
a whole bunch of flyness,
fly stuff for you--
for you today.
We got blackface,
that's always dope.
You know, I love blackface.
Got problem 437
of a thousand worries
that I, as a black man,
shouldn't have to worry about.
-We got music in the mountains
with my brother.
We got the sexual proclivities
of the black community.
-Cop: Hey! Pull over!
-Hold on! I'm trying.
We got a dream
about a white man.
-Pull it over.
-I'm trying, hold on.
I'm trying to get--
-Listen, we got--
-Cop: Cut him off!
We got, uh, you know,
another short film.
-Fuck!
Terence:
Goddammit!
Cop:
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
You can't be riding a bike
and texting at the same time!
Terence:
Sir, Officer,
I was not texting.
I was filming
my television show.
-It's gainful employment. Yes.
Terence:
You are actually
on the television show
right now, sir.
♪
Terence:
You go to the movies
one night,
a late movie.
You park your blue jalopy
in a vacant parking spot.
You watch the movie.
-You exit the movie.
Good movie.
Not a worry
on your mind.
You see your blue jalopy.
You open the door.
You sit in the driver's seat.
You close the door.
2.34 seconds pass.
You realize that,
unfortunately,
you are not sitting
in your blue jalopy.
You are, in fact,
sitting in someone else's
blue jalopy.
This is made
apparent by the fact
that this someone else
is, at present,
standing outside
of this blue jalopy
telephoning the police.
Fear etched across
their porcelain face.
This someone else is standing
ironically close
to your blue jalopy,
which is parked
one row further,
situated in
a similar position
to the blue jalopy
you are currently occupying.
You exit the blue jalopy.
The someone else,
in the grip of fear,
makes their intentions known.
"I have to call the police."
You stare back
at the someone else,
worry etched
across your face.
The police arrive
and you are worried
that you will not be able
to explain the situation
in a way that will preserve
your current physical state,
i.e. breathing, walking,
living, employed, etc.
Although it is likely
that, you friend,
have found this turn of events
humorous up until this point,
I assure you, it is not.
This is, in fact,
Worry Number 473
of 1,000 Worries
that a Black Person
Should Not Have
to Worry About.
Black face. Black face.
Black face.
♪
Male Announcer:
Live from
Death's antechamber,
-welcome to Everybody Dies!
Your portal
to the afterlife.
Thursdays at 8:30 a.m.
7:30 Central.
Watch as your host,
Ripa the Reaper,
ushers the newly dead
into their new home.
And now, the star
of Everybody Dies!
Ripa, the Reaper!
(xylophone plays
"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star")
Kids, you know
that you all die ♪
No matter
how hard you try ♪
You can squeal
or whine or pray ♪
Everybody dies one day ♪
I'm your last
and only friend ♪
'Cause this is where
your story ends ♪
Take my hand,
walk through the door ♪
And you'll live
in this world ♪
No more ♪
There, there, kids.
There, there.
Everybody dies.
You might not be ready,
but I'm ready for you.
You might slip in the shower.
You might get hit by a car.
You might get sick
and die slowly.
Announcer:
The Murder Map!
You might be running
from the police.
(indistinct
police radio chatter)
You might be running
from a stranger
who thinks he's the police.
You might be playing
with a toy gun.
You might be not
selling cigarettes.
Everybody dies, it's true ♪
Him and her
and you and you ♪
Kids beware
when they attack ♪
Especially
if you are black ♪
♪
Announcer:
It's time for the
Little Living Limbo!
Are you going down?
Are you going like that?
All the way down?
Oh, yeah!
Help me! Help--
Electronic Voice:
97 quadrillion problems,
and the police are only one.
Woman:
If your flight or fight
or freeze is always on,
that ages you
at a cellular level,
and also on an organ level.
You might have
the body of a 30-year-old,
but you might have
the cellular composition
of a 50-year-old.
Mother: At the time,
I was eight and a half,
nine months pregnant,
and my baby was to be
delivered in two weeks.
Pigs kept on shootin'.
Woman:
Always walking around
with that heightened
sense of surveillance
Pigs were just shootin'.
And, uh, about this time,
I jumped on top of a chair.
The mattress was just gone.
You could feel
the bullets going into it.
Woman:
She had three liters of blood
on her abdomen at the time.
She coded in the OR
and never woke up.
She was so unstable
and had organ failure
at that point
that there was nothing that
they could do to save her.
If that first nurse would've
just listened to her,
could that have
gone differently?
A lot of times
black women feel like
we have to say things
over and over and over
because they have it
in your mind
that black people
don't experience pain.
♪
♪
DeShawn:
Stop!
That's how you whack a soul.
Announcer:
And now, let's
welcome our guests.
-Hey! ♪
Woo-hoo ♪
You two are lost.
You want the third door
down the hall, on the left.
There's cookies in there.
Yay! Cookies!
Whoo!
All right, kids!
It's time to play
"What's the Right Answer?"
I'm gonna pass the mic,
and you tell me
the right answer.
Go on.
Periwinkle.
New Jersey.
12:30.
-Basketball.
Aw, kids!
Those were
the wrong answers.
Death is the right answer,
because everybody dies!
-Hey! ♪
Announcer:
Well, folks, that's all
for this week's episode
of Everybody Dies!
Tune in next week
when we'll be welcoming
Tanisha McDaniels,
an unarmed black woman--
-♪
Announcer:
That's all for
this week's episode
of Everybody Dies!
Tune in next week when
we'll start all over again.
(xylophone plays
"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star")
Kids you know
that you all die ♪
No matter how hard you try ♪
You can squeal
or whine or pray ♪
Everybody dies one day ♪
Announcer:
And now, the star
of Everybody Dies!
-Ripa the Reaper!
It's the look of love ♪
-It's the time for cheer ♪
Everybody feels it
this time of the year ♪
Ding-dong ♪
Ding-dong ♪
Ah-ah-ah,
it's cold outside ♪
You know that
cold don't bite ♪
-The love warms your ears ♪
-Hands up! ♪
In the spirit,
it's that time of the year ♪
You can't deny you feel it ♪
You're bleeding
with the spirit ♪
It's that time of the year ♪
Man:
I am standing right here!
Defenseless!
I am not doing
anything, Deputy.
I am not
gonna do anything.
There's no reason why
I have two guns pointed at me.
Get that shit outta here.
Terence:
Listen, it's completely
legal for me,
you know, statute
VLT 1225C states
that I can operate a cycle
and a cellular phone
at the same time.
Do I look like a
fucking idiot to you?
No, you don't look
like a fucking idiot.
I'm just trying to help you out.
Oh, you wanna help me out?
Here's how you can help me out.
-What the--
-Get that fucking thing
Cop:
Thing outta the way.
What do you think this is?
-Help me out.
Put your hands behind--
-My hands are behind me.
-I am not resisting, Officer.
-Get down on the--
♪
Woman :
Ferguson officials responding
to a scathing--
Jon:
Do you suffer
from White Thoughts?
White Thoughts
are a symptom
of an aggressive
disease called
Acute Viral
Perceptive Albinitis.
Violence isn't the answer.
-Jon: Also known
as Whiteness.
Jon:
The Whiteness virus targets
healthy culturally
and ethnically specific cells:
Italian, Irish,
Scandinavian, etc.
and what have you.
The Albinitis then
attacks and destroys
any cultural
or ethnic specificities
using an arsenal
of fake
holidays,
17th century
aristocratic class warfare,
the one drop rule,
-and Elvis.
-Uh-huh.
Luckily, we have a cure.
All:
White Be Gone!
Eric Garner:
I did nothing, yo.
Eric:
For what?
A call for what?
-Cop: I told you!
Eric:
I didn't do nothing
White Thoughts get cured ♪
By White Be Gone ♪
Hmm. Amen.
I'm Jon, and I'm an actor.
And I have
to confess to you
that at one time, I,
yes, even I,
suffered from White Thoughts.
Yes he had ♪
White ♪
Thoughts in his head ♪
A Muslim friend
of mine told me
she was stopped
at the airport
every time
she would travel.
And I, in the throes
of my albinitis,
suggested that she refrain
from wearing her head scarf,
so as not to inconvenience
the airport security.
Yes, it's a fact ♪
He really said that ♪
You see, I know from
firsthand experience
to be plagued
by White Thoughts
can be deceptively euphoric.
Because it gives
victims of Whiteness
a profound sense of identity
and purpose,
as well as an unbridled,
populous political
power.
Um
White Thoughts can be
deceptively euphoric.
As they give
victims of Whiteness
a profound sense
of identity and purpose,
as well as unbridled,
populous political power.
Uh, now the roo--
Uh
The, uh
Jon, is everything all right?
Yeah, can we just, uh--
Andre:
Jon, is everything all right?
Jon:
Uh, yeah. Can--
I'm sorry. Can we just--
-Man: Cutting!
-Yeah. Sorry.
Uh, it's fine. No, no.
Give-- give me one second.
Thank you so much.
I know we talked about this,
I don't really wanna belabor
the point--
-Yeah, out with it.
-Um
Well, it's just,
I know, you know,
we sort of talked about, uh,
the-- the spectrum
of ethnic identities
subsumed in whiteness.
And, you know,
I'm not exactly,
you know, white-white.
-I'm more of an Irish--
-Jon, I empathize.
I understand. I hear you.
-Good! Good.
'Cause I don't want--
-But you aren't here
because of your
relative cultural proximity
to the whites.
You are here because
the people that
call themselves white,
those victims,
for whatever reason,
they trust you
and that beautiful
beige face of yours.
You see
drunk with whiteness,
stumbling in their stupor,
you have what it takes
to sober them
with that bullish sincerity
in your spirit.
They need you.
Help them.
Okay. I got it.
Woman:
5 Mary, Take three.
-Marker.
-Andre: Action!
And so, friends,
the reason White Thoughts
are so difficult to treat
is because of this little
spectrometer right here.
No matter where your
White Thoughts fall
on the spectrum from
burning crosses
and wearing sheets,
to engaging in
the secret suspicion
that your
Guatemalan housekeeper
holds some sort
of grudge against you,
to sitting there
comfortable on your laptop
watching this infomercial,
saying out loud to yourself
None of this applies to me.
I read Noam Chomsky.
I'm not racist!
Maybe not, Jon,
but sadly,
"I'm not racist"
spoken aloud
is a classic White Thought.
You see, because
of their diversity,
these White Thoughts
are incredibly difficult
to treat.
So we must remain vigilant,
and remember that
all these White Thoughts
stem from the same virus,
and are thus
all the same shit.
Choir:
All the same shit ♪
Jon:
But don't worry,
we at DAX Pharmaceuticals
have a created a cutting-edge,
topical, non-invasive treatment
for White Thoughts.
Using turn of the 13th century
nanotechnology,
we have managed to create
a topical ointment
that when massaged
into the temples
enters through the pores
into the limbic system
of a person infected
with Whiteness.
Lakeith Stanfield:
Also from DAX
Lazercism.
The exciting
technological revolution
from DAX
that allows you to laser
your racial glaucoma away.
Jon:
Side effects may include
but are not limited to:
Black thoughts,
existential crisis,
bouts of amnesia,
a loss of social power,
acceptance of the
mortality of yourself,
and your culture,
your white friends wondering,
"What's gotten into you,"
your parents worrying
that you might bring
a biracial child into the world,
and what type of life
would that be?
Dry mouth--
♪
Black Thought:
All-gender public
restrooms is a thing
that's beautiful.
Next steps though,
they need to install
shea butter dispensers
beside the exits.
My knuckles shouldn't have
to be ashy post-handwash.
The suffering must end.
Is it objectification
of the black goddess
for me to point out that
FLOTUS got a booty!
♪
Cop:
Goddammit!
Hey, partner!
You taking
a fucking day off?
Give me a hands!
Jesus Christ!
Son of a bitch!
Don't you move! God--
Terence:
Black face.
Black face. Black face.
♪
-Hello, I'm Terence.
-And I'm Doreen.
Both:
And welcome,
welcome, welcome
to the Sexual Proclivities
of the Black Community.
The show where
we explore, in-depth,
the deepest depths of the
nuanced proclivities of sex
amongst the African
diasporan peoples and cultures
of planet
motherfucking Earth.
Now, a word
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Pause your Internets
and your TV,
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with a black person.
Now that the bills are paid
and the eggs are laid,
let's start the show.
Today's topic is
"The Invisibility
of the BiSexual Black Man."
America thinks that
the bisexual black man
is just a down-low brother.
-You know that's not true.
-Not true at all.
You rarely see
bisexual black men
represented in media.
So today, we're
gonna remedy that.
We have a guest.
Ladies and
gentlemen, Yeelen.
Terence:
How do you identify?
Yeelen:
I think fluid,
fluid in all aspects,
um
except for race.
Uh
-Exactly.
'Cause that it doesn't
work like that.
Terence:
Are you in a relationship?
Yeelen:
I've been in a relationship
with my partner,
and we've been together
for five years.
We've recently opened
our, our relationship.
She's phenomenal.
She's, uh
an incredible source
of inspiration.
Last time I told her
that there was this, like,
dude I was attracted to
she kind of receives it
as more of a,
"Ah, that's exciting.
"That's really
cool that you,
um, have those desires."
You know, number one,
it's exciting
'cause that opens
the possibilities
of us having, like,
threesomes
with another dude.
Doreen:
Yeah, that's what
I was gonna ask,
if you guys, like, have
ever had those types of--
-Not yet.
-Doreen: Not yet. Okay.
But, like, we've plotted.
Yeelen:
She's been
very encouraging
in terms of, like,
me wearing
uh, like,
more feminine clothing,
um, and her, like, bringing
back home like a--
a-- a skirt that she saw
that would look cute on me,
and was like,
"Hey, I thought of you,
and you would look
cute in this skirt,"
or, you know.
I think that
I'm sexier to her
exploring that, um,
gender non-binary,
um, and exploring,
like, clothing,
and, like, being
confident in a crop top.
You know?
-Are you confident
in a crop top?
-I love, I love crop tops.
Terence:
So, since you opened
up your relationship,
what's dating like now,
with both genders,
given your,
you know, fluidity?
I've encountered
several challenges.
I was on the train,
and I-- I saw
this girl on the train.
And I think that day
I was, like, probably dressed,
like, a bit more
masc, I guess, um
-I don't know.
See, like, that's the thing.
Like, what does that mean?
Yeelen:
She had braids, and had,
like, a septum piercing,
and just like a really,
really bright smile.
-It was me, actually.
Oh, no! She had, like,
a piercing between her teeth.
And so, anyway,
I had to, like, say something.
-And then, I did--
-Terence: Well,
what'd you say?
What's your
approach game like?
Yeelen:
I was trying to write
something. You know?
And then, like,
the train kept on moving,
so, I was just like,
"Ugh! I can't write it!"
Doreen:
Oh, like writing a love note?
Not-- not a love note.
But like, "Hey, I think
you're really cute."
Blah, blah, blah.
And, um,
I went and I was like,
"I was trying
to write you this note,
"but the train's fucked up.
"You know,
I'd rather tell it to you.
"Um, and I think you
have a really nice smile,
and it, like,
caught me off guard."
And-- and
she was like, "Wow!
Um, that's really nice."
Blah, blah, blah.
And now, everything's
through Instagram.
You know, and
I slid in the DMs.
-So you slip and slide.
And so, yeah,
we went on a date.
She had,
like, an art show.
-Terence: Mm-hmm.
-And I showed up on the day,
I was wearing this, like,
dress.
I was, like, what?
I mean, I didn't even think
that that would be like
a like a weird thing.
-She had her gums pierced,
so, you know.
-Yeah!
Yeelen:
You have your gums pierced,
you have a septum piercing.
"Why can't I have
a dress on?"
That was my thinking.
Yeelen:
It was cool at first,
and then, like, uh,
there was, like,
a music show, and, like,
I was, like,
kind of dancing,
and I guess I was, like,
a bit more effeminate.
And after--
Like, it was just like--
It was kinda weird.
Like, she was kind of
looking at me like,
kind of, like,
"I didn't know that you
could be these things."
And basically,
throughout the end
of the date, she was like,
"So, what's your sexual
orientation like?"
And I'm like,
"What do you mean?
"I mean, I'm into you, so"
She's like, "Well, you're kinda
like a bit more effeminate."
And I was like, "Huh!"
What does that mean? Like
I mean, I thought
I made it clear
that I was into her--
no matter how I danced
or dressed.
So that kinda turned me off.
I was like,
"This-- this sucks."
You know?
"And-- and your
art's not that good."
-So I was like--
-Terence/Doreen: Oh!
That's the worst.
♪
-Thank you, Yeelen.
I appreciate you.
-Thank you!
♪
Thank you for joining us.
Just a reminder
that the show is heavily
edited
edited for brevity.
So, if you'd like
the full serving,
the long stroke,
the deep orifice
of black sex
and life creating,
check out
the full episode at
Both:
SuperBlackSexTalk.com
See you next week
where we'll be discussing
Old niggas fucking.
♪
Terence:
Black face.
Black face.
Black face. Black face.
Black face.
Black face.
- Not blackface.
-Black face.
-Black face.
Black face.
Black face.
Black face.
Black face.
-Not blackface.
-Black face.
-Black face.
Black face.
Black face. Face.
Black face.
-Black face.
-Black face.
Black.
Face.
Black face.
British Man:
You know, some
marmalades get
some of their tang
from added flavoring.
-Terence: Not blackface.
Face.
Black. Face.
Face.
Face.
Terence:
Face.
Cop:
Don't you move!
Goddamnit!
Listen, fellas.
It might be curtains
for your boy.
Cop's after me.
I don't know
what's gonna happen,
so before I get outta here,
I'll put you up
with some new music.
My brother, Norvis Junior.
"Music in the Mountains."
Enjoy!
Fuck.
Cop:
Where you going now,
motherfucker?
Where you going now?
Cop :
10-51 to base.
I got an unidentified
black male flying south,
from Bed-Stuy to Manhattan.
Base :
Flying, flying?
Cop :
Yeah, uh, uh
Base :
Like in a helicopter?
He's got wings?
♪
(funky electronic
music playing)
♪
I exist and that's a problem ♪
You insist that
I don't solve 'em ♪
I done tried evolvin' ♪
So every day I'm walkin' ♪
From a past
to provoke all this talkin' ♪
Why sit around
and pretend it ain't true? ♪
'Cause I don't
even think about you ♪
You know I do ♪
Yo, what you think of me ♪
To whom it might
as well invoke to see ♪
To whom it may concern,
you'll soon learn ♪
You done turned and learned ♪
Your bridge is burned ♪
I don't even think about you ♪
But you're always actin' like
you're brand-new ♪
So dehydrated,
don't mean I'm thirsty ♪
And yet, your worst
can never be due ♪
♪
Radio DJ:
Dallas, Texas. Saint Thomas.
We in here!
♪
I'm a little busy right now,
but I appreciate
you guys tuning in.
I just want
to say that to you.
Make sure you come
back next week.
We'll have a real
good show for you.
It's gonna be--
Don't miss it.
Black face.
Black face.
Black face.
-Black face.
-Black face.
♪
NELSON BANDELA: I used to
tell people I play computer.
And they'll be like,
"What instrument
do you play back?"
"I play computer."
♪
It made sense to me
to be Norvis Junior.
Here is the moniker I use.
It's like a way
to understand myself.
♪
And then, like,
Norvis Junior was like,
"Okay, I wanna actually discuss
myself internally."
Like, who am I?
I wanted to do, like, ambient,
like R&B, but also like,
beep, with like, a keyboard
on stage and vocoder.
You can fully not have a job,
be livin' on the street,
as long as you got
a library card
and can go
to the fucking library
that got internet,
you can be making beats!
What up, world?
It's Terence Nance here.
Welcome to
Random Acts of Flyness,
a show about
the beauty and ugliness
-of contemporary
American life.
Uh, today, we got
a whole bunch of flyness,
fly stuff for you--
for you today.
We got blackface,
that's always dope.
You know, I love blackface.
Got problem 437
of a thousand worries
that I, as a black man,
shouldn't have to worry about.
-We got music in the mountains
with my brother.
We got the sexual proclivities
of the black community.
-Cop: Hey! Pull over!
-Hold on! I'm trying.
We got a dream
about a white man.
-Pull it over.
-I'm trying, hold on.
I'm trying to get--
-Listen, we got--
-Cop: Cut him off!
We got, uh, you know,
another short film.
-Fuck!
Terence:
Goddammit!
Cop:
What the fuck
is wrong with you?
You can't be riding a bike
and texting at the same time!
Terence:
Sir, Officer,
I was not texting.
I was filming
my television show.
-It's gainful employment. Yes.
Terence:
You are actually
on the television show
right now, sir.
♪
Terence:
You go to the movies
one night,
a late movie.
You park your blue jalopy
in a vacant parking spot.
You watch the movie.
-You exit the movie.
Good movie.
Not a worry
on your mind.
You see your blue jalopy.
You open the door.
You sit in the driver's seat.
You close the door.
2.34 seconds pass.
You realize that,
unfortunately,
you are not sitting
in your blue jalopy.
You are, in fact,
sitting in someone else's
blue jalopy.
This is made
apparent by the fact
that this someone else
is, at present,
standing outside
of this blue jalopy
telephoning the police.
Fear etched across
their porcelain face.
This someone else is standing
ironically close
to your blue jalopy,
which is parked
one row further,
situated in
a similar position
to the blue jalopy
you are currently occupying.
You exit the blue jalopy.
The someone else,
in the grip of fear,
makes their intentions known.
"I have to call the police."
You stare back
at the someone else,
worry etched
across your face.
The police arrive
and you are worried
that you will not be able
to explain the situation
in a way that will preserve
your current physical state,
i.e. breathing, walking,
living, employed, etc.
Although it is likely
that, you friend,
have found this turn of events
humorous up until this point,
I assure you, it is not.
This is, in fact,
Worry Number 473
of 1,000 Worries
that a Black Person
Should Not Have
to Worry About.
Black face. Black face.
Black face.
♪
Male Announcer:
Live from
Death's antechamber,
-welcome to Everybody Dies!
Your portal
to the afterlife.
Thursdays at 8:30 a.m.
7:30 Central.
Watch as your host,
Ripa the Reaper,
ushers the newly dead
into their new home.
And now, the star
of Everybody Dies!
Ripa, the Reaper!
(xylophone plays
"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star")
Kids, you know
that you all die ♪
No matter
how hard you try ♪
You can squeal
or whine or pray ♪
Everybody dies one day ♪
I'm your last
and only friend ♪
'Cause this is where
your story ends ♪
Take my hand,
walk through the door ♪
And you'll live
in this world ♪
No more ♪
There, there, kids.
There, there.
Everybody dies.
You might not be ready,
but I'm ready for you.
You might slip in the shower.
You might get hit by a car.
You might get sick
and die slowly.
Announcer:
The Murder Map!
You might be running
from the police.
(indistinct
police radio chatter)
You might be running
from a stranger
who thinks he's the police.
You might be playing
with a toy gun.
You might be not
selling cigarettes.
Everybody dies, it's true ♪
Him and her
and you and you ♪
Kids beware
when they attack ♪
Especially
if you are black ♪
♪
Announcer:
It's time for the
Little Living Limbo!
Are you going down?
Are you going like that?
All the way down?
Oh, yeah!
Help me! Help--
Electronic Voice:
97 quadrillion problems,
and the police are only one.
Woman:
If your flight or fight
or freeze is always on,
that ages you
at a cellular level,
and also on an organ level.
You might have
the body of a 30-year-old,
but you might have
the cellular composition
of a 50-year-old.
Mother: At the time,
I was eight and a half,
nine months pregnant,
and my baby was to be
delivered in two weeks.
Pigs kept on shootin'.
Woman:
Always walking around
with that heightened
sense of surveillance
Pigs were just shootin'.
And, uh, about this time,
I jumped on top of a chair.
The mattress was just gone.
You could feel
the bullets going into it.
Woman:
She had three liters of blood
on her abdomen at the time.
She coded in the OR
and never woke up.
She was so unstable
and had organ failure
at that point
that there was nothing that
they could do to save her.
If that first nurse would've
just listened to her,
could that have
gone differently?
A lot of times
black women feel like
we have to say things
over and over and over
because they have it
in your mind
that black people
don't experience pain.
♪
♪
DeShawn:
Stop!
That's how you whack a soul.
Announcer:
And now, let's
welcome our guests.
-Hey! ♪
Woo-hoo ♪
You two are lost.
You want the third door
down the hall, on the left.
There's cookies in there.
Yay! Cookies!
Whoo!
All right, kids!
It's time to play
"What's the Right Answer?"
I'm gonna pass the mic,
and you tell me
the right answer.
Go on.
Periwinkle.
New Jersey.
12:30.
-Basketball.
Aw, kids!
Those were
the wrong answers.
Death is the right answer,
because everybody dies!
-Hey! ♪
Announcer:
Well, folks, that's all
for this week's episode
of Everybody Dies!
Tune in next week
when we'll be welcoming
Tanisha McDaniels,
an unarmed black woman--
-♪
Announcer:
That's all for
this week's episode
of Everybody Dies!
Tune in next week when
we'll start all over again.
(xylophone plays
"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star")
Kids you know
that you all die ♪
No matter how hard you try ♪
You can squeal
or whine or pray ♪
Everybody dies one day ♪
Announcer:
And now, the star
of Everybody Dies!
-Ripa the Reaper!
It's the look of love ♪
-It's the time for cheer ♪
Everybody feels it
this time of the year ♪
Ding-dong ♪
Ding-dong ♪
Ah-ah-ah,
it's cold outside ♪
You know that
cold don't bite ♪
-The love warms your ears ♪
-Hands up! ♪
In the spirit,
it's that time of the year ♪
You can't deny you feel it ♪
You're bleeding
with the spirit ♪
It's that time of the year ♪
Man:
I am standing right here!
Defenseless!
I am not doing
anything, Deputy.
I am not
gonna do anything.
There's no reason why
I have two guns pointed at me.
Get that shit outta here.
Terence:
Listen, it's completely
legal for me,
you know, statute
VLT 1225C states
that I can operate a cycle
and a cellular phone
at the same time.
Do I look like a
fucking idiot to you?
No, you don't look
like a fucking idiot.
I'm just trying to help you out.
Oh, you wanna help me out?
Here's how you can help me out.
-What the--
-Get that fucking thing
Cop:
Thing outta the way.
What do you think this is?
-Help me out.
Put your hands behind--
-My hands are behind me.
-I am not resisting, Officer.
-Get down on the--
♪
Woman :
Ferguson officials responding
to a scathing--
Jon:
Do you suffer
from White Thoughts?
White Thoughts
are a symptom
of an aggressive
disease called
Acute Viral
Perceptive Albinitis.
Violence isn't the answer.
-Jon: Also known
as Whiteness.
Jon:
The Whiteness virus targets
healthy culturally
and ethnically specific cells:
Italian, Irish,
Scandinavian, etc.
and what have you.
The Albinitis then
attacks and destroys
any cultural
or ethnic specificities
using an arsenal
of fake
holidays,
17th century
aristocratic class warfare,
the one drop rule,
-and Elvis.
-Uh-huh.
Luckily, we have a cure.
All:
White Be Gone!
Eric Garner:
I did nothing, yo.
Eric:
For what?
A call for what?
-Cop: I told you!
Eric:
I didn't do nothing
White Thoughts get cured ♪
By White Be Gone ♪
Hmm. Amen.
I'm Jon, and I'm an actor.
And I have
to confess to you
that at one time, I,
yes, even I,
suffered from White Thoughts.
Yes he had ♪
White ♪
Thoughts in his head ♪
A Muslim friend
of mine told me
she was stopped
at the airport
every time
she would travel.
And I, in the throes
of my albinitis,
suggested that she refrain
from wearing her head scarf,
so as not to inconvenience
the airport security.
Yes, it's a fact ♪
He really said that ♪
You see, I know from
firsthand experience
to be plagued
by White Thoughts
can be deceptively euphoric.
Because it gives
victims of Whiteness
a profound sense of identity
and purpose,
as well as an unbridled,
populous political
power.
Um
White Thoughts can be
deceptively euphoric.
As they give
victims of Whiteness
a profound sense
of identity and purpose,
as well as unbridled,
populous political power.
Uh, now the roo--
Uh
The, uh
Jon, is everything all right?
Yeah, can we just, uh--
Andre:
Jon, is everything all right?
Jon:
Uh, yeah. Can--
I'm sorry. Can we just--
-Man: Cutting!
-Yeah. Sorry.
Uh, it's fine. No, no.
Give-- give me one second.
Thank you so much.
I know we talked about this,
I don't really wanna belabor
the point--
-Yeah, out with it.
-Um
Well, it's just,
I know, you know,
we sort of talked about, uh,
the-- the spectrum
of ethnic identities
subsumed in whiteness.
And, you know,
I'm not exactly,
you know, white-white.
-I'm more of an Irish--
-Jon, I empathize.
I understand. I hear you.
-Good! Good.
'Cause I don't want--
-But you aren't here
because of your
relative cultural proximity
to the whites.
You are here because
the people that
call themselves white,
those victims,
for whatever reason,
they trust you
and that beautiful
beige face of yours.
You see
drunk with whiteness,
stumbling in their stupor,
you have what it takes
to sober them
with that bullish sincerity
in your spirit.
They need you.
Help them.
Okay. I got it.
Woman:
5 Mary, Take three.
-Marker.
-Andre: Action!
And so, friends,
the reason White Thoughts
are so difficult to treat
is because of this little
spectrometer right here.
No matter where your
White Thoughts fall
on the spectrum from
burning crosses
and wearing sheets,
to engaging in
the secret suspicion
that your
Guatemalan housekeeper
holds some sort
of grudge against you,
to sitting there
comfortable on your laptop
watching this infomercial,
saying out loud to yourself
None of this applies to me.
I read Noam Chomsky.
I'm not racist!
Maybe not, Jon,
but sadly,
"I'm not racist"
spoken aloud
is a classic White Thought.
You see, because
of their diversity,
these White Thoughts
are incredibly difficult
to treat.
So we must remain vigilant,
and remember that
all these White Thoughts
stem from the same virus,
and are thus
all the same shit.
Choir:
All the same shit ♪
Jon:
But don't worry,
we at DAX Pharmaceuticals
have a created a cutting-edge,
topical, non-invasive treatment
for White Thoughts.
Using turn of the 13th century
nanotechnology,
we have managed to create
a topical ointment
that when massaged
into the temples
enters through the pores
into the limbic system
of a person infected
with Whiteness.
Lakeith Stanfield:
Also from DAX
Lazercism.
The exciting
technological revolution
from DAX
that allows you to laser
your racial glaucoma away.
Jon:
Side effects may include
but are not limited to:
Black thoughts,
existential crisis,
bouts of amnesia,
a loss of social power,
acceptance of the
mortality of yourself,
and your culture,
your white friends wondering,
"What's gotten into you,"
your parents worrying
that you might bring
a biracial child into the world,
and what type of life
would that be?
Dry mouth--
♪
Black Thought:
All-gender public
restrooms is a thing
that's beautiful.
Next steps though,
they need to install
shea butter dispensers
beside the exits.
My knuckles shouldn't have
to be ashy post-handwash.
The suffering must end.
Is it objectification
of the black goddess
for me to point out that
FLOTUS got a booty!
♪
Cop:
Goddammit!
Hey, partner!
You taking
a fucking day off?
Give me a hands!
Jesus Christ!
Son of a bitch!
Don't you move! God--
Terence:
Black face.
Black face. Black face.
♪
-Hello, I'm Terence.
-And I'm Doreen.
Both:
And welcome,
welcome, welcome
to the Sexual Proclivities
of the Black Community.
The show where
we explore, in-depth,
the deepest depths of the
nuanced proclivities of sex
amongst the African
diasporan peoples and cultures
of planet
motherfucking Earth.
Now, a word
from our sponsors.
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With modern chemistry,
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we've engineered
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which is Badussy.
Don't know
what Badussy is?
Pause your Internets
and your TV,
take a walk outside,
and make friends
with a black person.
Now that the bills are paid
and the eggs are laid,
let's start the show.
Today's topic is
"The Invisibility
of the BiSexual Black Man."
America thinks that
the bisexual black man
is just a down-low brother.
-You know that's not true.
-Not true at all.
You rarely see
bisexual black men
represented in media.
So today, we're
gonna remedy that.
We have a guest.
Ladies and
gentlemen, Yeelen.
Terence:
How do you identify?
Yeelen:
I think fluid,
fluid in all aspects,
um
except for race.
Uh
-Exactly.
'Cause that it doesn't
work like that.
Terence:
Are you in a relationship?
Yeelen:
I've been in a relationship
with my partner,
and we've been together
for five years.
We've recently opened
our, our relationship.
She's phenomenal.
She's, uh
an incredible source
of inspiration.
Last time I told her
that there was this, like,
dude I was attracted to
she kind of receives it
as more of a,
"Ah, that's exciting.
"That's really
cool that you,
um, have those desires."
You know, number one,
it's exciting
'cause that opens
the possibilities
of us having, like,
threesomes
with another dude.
Doreen:
Yeah, that's what
I was gonna ask,
if you guys, like, have
ever had those types of--
-Not yet.
-Doreen: Not yet. Okay.
But, like, we've plotted.
Yeelen:
She's been
very encouraging
in terms of, like,
me wearing
uh, like,
more feminine clothing,
um, and her, like, bringing
back home like a--
a-- a skirt that she saw
that would look cute on me,
and was like,
"Hey, I thought of you,
and you would look
cute in this skirt,"
or, you know.
I think that
I'm sexier to her
exploring that, um,
gender non-binary,
um, and exploring,
like, clothing,
and, like, being
confident in a crop top.
You know?
-Are you confident
in a crop top?
-I love, I love crop tops.
Terence:
So, since you opened
up your relationship,
what's dating like now,
with both genders,
given your,
you know, fluidity?
I've encountered
several challenges.
I was on the train,
and I-- I saw
this girl on the train.
And I think that day
I was, like, probably dressed,
like, a bit more
masc, I guess, um
-I don't know.
See, like, that's the thing.
Like, what does that mean?
Yeelen:
She had braids, and had,
like, a septum piercing,
and just like a really,
really bright smile.
-It was me, actually.
Oh, no! She had, like,
a piercing between her teeth.
And so, anyway,
I had to, like, say something.
-And then, I did--
-Terence: Well,
what'd you say?
What's your
approach game like?
Yeelen:
I was trying to write
something. You know?
And then, like,
the train kept on moving,
so, I was just like,
"Ugh! I can't write it!"
Doreen:
Oh, like writing a love note?
Not-- not a love note.
But like, "Hey, I think
you're really cute."
Blah, blah, blah.
And, um,
I went and I was like,
"I was trying
to write you this note,
"but the train's fucked up.
"You know,
I'd rather tell it to you.
"Um, and I think you
have a really nice smile,
and it, like,
caught me off guard."
And-- and
she was like, "Wow!
Um, that's really nice."
Blah, blah, blah.
And now, everything's
through Instagram.
You know, and
I slid in the DMs.
-So you slip and slide.
And so, yeah,
we went on a date.
She had,
like, an art show.
-Terence: Mm-hmm.
-And I showed up on the day,
I was wearing this, like,
dress.
I was, like, what?
I mean, I didn't even think
that that would be like
a like a weird thing.
-She had her gums pierced,
so, you know.
-Yeah!
Yeelen:
You have your gums pierced,
you have a septum piercing.
"Why can't I have
a dress on?"
That was my thinking.
Yeelen:
It was cool at first,
and then, like, uh,
there was, like,
a music show, and, like,
I was, like,
kind of dancing,
and I guess I was, like,
a bit more effeminate.
And after--
Like, it was just like--
It was kinda weird.
Like, she was kind of
looking at me like,
kind of, like,
"I didn't know that you
could be these things."
And basically,
throughout the end
of the date, she was like,
"So, what's your sexual
orientation like?"
And I'm like,
"What do you mean?
"I mean, I'm into you, so"
She's like, "Well, you're kinda
like a bit more effeminate."
And I was like, "Huh!"
What does that mean? Like
I mean, I thought
I made it clear
that I was into her--
no matter how I danced
or dressed.
So that kinda turned me off.
I was like,
"This-- this sucks."
You know?
"And-- and your
art's not that good."
-So I was like--
-Terence/Doreen: Oh!
That's the worst.
♪
-Thank you, Yeelen.
I appreciate you.
-Thank you!
♪
Thank you for joining us.
Just a reminder
that the show is heavily
edited
edited for brevity.
So, if you'd like
the full serving,
the long stroke,
the deep orifice
of black sex
and life creating,
check out
the full episode at
Both:
SuperBlackSexTalk.com
See you next week
where we'll be discussing
Old niggas fucking.
♪
Terence:
Black face.
Black face.
Black face. Black face.
Black face.
Black face.
- Not blackface.
-Black face.
-Black face.
Black face.
Black face.
Black face.
Black face.
-Not blackface.
-Black face.
-Black face.
Black face.
Black face. Face.
Black face.
-Black face.
-Black face.
Black.
Face.
Black face.
British Man:
You know, some
marmalades get
some of their tang
from added flavoring.
-Terence: Not blackface.
Face.
Black. Face.
Face.
Face.
Terence:
Face.
Cop:
Don't you move!
Goddamnit!
Listen, fellas.
It might be curtains
for your boy.
Cop's after me.
I don't know
what's gonna happen,
so before I get outta here,
I'll put you up
with some new music.
My brother, Norvis Junior.
"Music in the Mountains."
Enjoy!
Fuck.
Cop:
Where you going now,
motherfucker?
Where you going now?
Cop :
10-51 to base.
I got an unidentified
black male flying south,
from Bed-Stuy to Manhattan.
Base :
Flying, flying?
Cop :
Yeah, uh, uh
Base :
Like in a helicopter?
He's got wings?
♪
(funky electronic
music playing)
♪
I exist and that's a problem ♪
You insist that
I don't solve 'em ♪
I done tried evolvin' ♪
So every day I'm walkin' ♪
From a past
to provoke all this talkin' ♪
Why sit around
and pretend it ain't true? ♪
'Cause I don't
even think about you ♪
You know I do ♪
Yo, what you think of me ♪
To whom it might
as well invoke to see ♪
To whom it may concern,
you'll soon learn ♪
You done turned and learned ♪
Your bridge is burned ♪
I don't even think about you ♪
But you're always actin' like
you're brand-new ♪
So dehydrated,
don't mean I'm thirsty ♪
And yet, your worst
can never be due ♪
♪
Radio DJ:
Dallas, Texas. Saint Thomas.
We in here!
♪
I'm a little busy right now,
but I appreciate
you guys tuning in.
I just want
to say that to you.
Make sure you come
back next week.
We'll have a real
good show for you.
It's gonna be--
Don't miss it.
Black face.
Black face.
Black face.
-Black face.
-Black face.
♪
NELSON BANDELA: I used to
tell people I play computer.
And they'll be like,
"What instrument
do you play back?"
"I play computer."
♪
It made sense to me
to be Norvis Junior.
Here is the moniker I use.
It's like a way
to understand myself.
♪
And then, like,
Norvis Junior was like,
"Okay, I wanna actually discuss
myself internally."
Like, who am I?
I wanted to do, like, ambient,
like R&B, but also like,
beep, with like, a keyboard
on stage and vocoder.
You can fully not have a job,
be livin' on the street,
as long as you got
a library card
and can go
to the fucking library
that got internet,
you can be making beats!