Really (2014) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Something to drink? Oh, um, yes, I would love Oh.
Oh, it's Mai Tai.
You know what? You go.
Just come back to me.
- Two Lemonades and a Bud.
- Really? You couldn't kill a little more time than that? - I can come back.
- No, one second.
So you're drinking tonight? - I can have one drink.
- No, I don't care if you drink.
- I care if you snore.
- Order, Lori.
Hmm.
My wife is surprised when someone asks her what she wants to drink at a restaurant.
What do you recommend? Well, the Beijing Bellini is popular.
No.
Hmm, um What's a Chun-King Cannonball? Never mind.
Um, I'll just have, uh Oh, what is that? Oh, that's a Red Lotus.
Okay, sure, yeah, I'll try that.
Okay, I'll get those right out to you.
- A boy.
- What? - It's a girl.
- I love you.
No, it is a boy.
- Now order your food.
- Girl.
- Boy, look for yourself.
- Girl.
Daddy, tell him, daddy.
Tell him what, sugar? Boys have bigger boobs than girls, right? - What? No, no.
- See, stupid.
- Jack, come on.
- A mermaid's a boy, right? Tell him.
Tell him what? No, honey, a mermaid's a girl.
- Mermaids are girls, dummy.
- Ssh, Jack.
But boys have bigger boobs than girls, right, daddy? Because of your boobs? - What is she saying? - I don't even know.
Honey, what are you saying? Daddy has bigger boobs than you.
Remember, daddy, you said? [Funky music.]
Good night, mommy.
Why is our daughter confused about the gender of a mermaid? I was in the shower, and Never a good way to start a story involving children.
This was during one of my chubbier periods, and Emma came in and she said my new name was fat daddy.
Then she looked at her chest and she looked at my chest, and she said that I had bigger boobs than her, which was literally true.
And then she said I had bigger boobs than you.
[Laughs.]
What did you say? Hmm, I lost ten pounds.
You're probably more like a B cup now.
We can share bras.
[Laughs.]
Such an ass.
I'm going to the gym tomorrow.
Well, go in the morning because we got an early dinner party tomorrow at whoo-hoo Fred and Jo's.
You don't want to go? Oh, and watch Freddy get blacked-out drunk and listen to Joanna bitch about it? Why wouldn't I? No, no, no, Freddy says he's gonna start cutting back.
[Laughs.]
Oh, wait, white is recycling now.
I really like the kitchen in parenthood.
- Okay, weirdo.
- Shut it.
And they have their cans like this.
So just think of white as recycling goodness and black as evil garbage.
That's racist.
Hmm, yeah, but I married a brown guy, so I get a free pass.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
I'm ready for my birthday blow job.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Your birthday was like a month ago.
- G - Oh.
Okay, okay, if you really, really want it.
I really want it.
I really want it.
Happy Birthday.
[Sighs.]
I can't sleep.
Where's mommy? Uh, we're playing a little hide and seek.
I found her.
Oh, cute, you found me, sweetie.
Good job.
I found you.
You did.
- Oh, honey.
- [Sighs.]
- You can't sleep? - No.
Oh, sweetheart.
Don't kiss her with that mouth.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
You don't want me to finish tonight, do you? Uh, need to? I have to be at work early tomorrow, but I promise, promise, promise to give you the greatest blow job you've ever had tomorrow night, okay? - Huh? - I'm holding you to that.
Oh, don't don't jerk off.
Just save it for tomorrow, okay? [Sighs.]
I can get you a helmet if the eye mask, ear plugs, and mouth guard aren't enough.
What? I can get you a helmet.
[Laughs.]
Night.
Good night.
[Sighs.]
[Snoring.]
Jed.
Jed, you're snoring.
- Roll over.
- [Sighs.]
[Snoring.]
- Babe.
- [Sighs.]
- [Sighs.]
- Thank you.
[Engine revs.]
[Knocking.]
You forgot your food, doctor.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, any chance you could give me a ride home? My shift's over, and my car's in the shop.
Thanks for walking me in.
It's a little scary with the lights off.
I'm gonna hop in if you care to join me.
Oh, I don't have a suit.
But you have boxers, right? So I'm gonna go in in my panties if you promise to be good.
Something to drink? Really? I just don't get it.
It helps me sleep.
Fantasizing about other women helps you sleep? I was fantasizing about you.
- Oh, come on.
- We were in a hot tub.
What hot tub? - It was in-ground.
- Oh, classy.
And you were wearing those Louie Vuitton those new Louie Vuitton shoes you just got.
Louboutin.
And I was wearing them in the hot tub? Well, you took 'em off, so What's up, butt face? Stevo.
What are you watching? - Walking dead.
- Oh, shit.
Did you get to the part yet where the zombie dude kills the human dude and then he becomes a zombie? This is a good show.
Yeah, I know.
I got to watch it.
Hey, what are you doing tonight? Uh, just a dinner party at Fred and Jo's.
Where's my invite? It's not my dinner party, but you should definitely stop by.
You guys don't like me anymore? We love you, but you never fucking show up anymore.
It's the wives, right? They don't like me.
There's not gonna be any single action there.
Can I bring a date? Pretending it's my dinner party, sure.
- Is it Shauna? - Shauna.
No, Shauna's a goner.
I got a new one.
I met her on a flight back from New York.
Don't tell me she's a flight attendant.
Yeah.
Virgin.
I told her I didn't know how to use a seatbelt, and she gave me a private demonstration.
Man, Virgin has the hottest flight attendants.
[Speaking with British accent.]
Thank you, Sir Richard.
You know, I don't even know if we can come because we got this stewardess party downtown, so it's gonna be, like, me and a bunch of 25-year-old girls contemplating our futures.
You think it's safe to work out with a hard-on? I hope so.
[Doorbell rings.]
Don't eat the empanadas.
- They smell good.
- Yeah, well You smell good.
Dear lord.
Is that what marital affection looks like? - Freddy, how are you? - How are you? - Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Oh, God, you got a hot wife.
Not on not not not on the lips.
Not on the okay.
God damn it.
Get in there.
Not on the fucking lips, I said.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey.
Are we the first ones here? No, Matt and Margaret are out back.
God, I cannot believe what Margaret's wearing.
It's straight out of the preppy handbook, circa 1988.
Oh, is it those plaid jumpers she loves? Yup.
Found these two kissing outside.
- Ew.
- She means it.
- What do you want to drink? - Vodka soda.
Pussy.
Lori? Yeah, um, I would love, uh - Good luck.
- Do you have what do you have? - Just wine.
- Take your time.
You really want to get it right.
[Laughs.]
I want to get it right.
I don't want to get a pussy drink.
Here you go.
- Hey.
- Jed.
Hey, handsome.
Don't be mad, okay? We're just having one.
No, no, it's great.
I can always use a couple more customers.
Oh, you are dark.
He literally is dark.
Wait, wait, wait, smoking causes brain damage? Yeah, yeah, smoking pretty much causes everything.
Ah, fuck it.
I can deal with a little dain bramage.
- Hi.
- Charles.
- Sir Edward.
- So good of you to come.
- Hi.
- Thank you, so do you.
- Gorgeous.
- Beautiful ladies.
Don't drink it all in one, please? [Laughs.]
Mine.
All mine.
Joanna, do you have any paper towel? I stepped in some shit in your yard, and I don't know if it's dog or human.
Could be Fred's.
No, I only shit in the backyard.
[Laughs.]
Reality television is an American disaster.
It's like a celebration of our dumbest and our worst.
- Oh, here we go.
- Just drink and agree with me.
If I was in charge of television, it would be banned.
- The president of television? - Yeah.
If I was in charge of television, reality would be banned.
Come on.
People like it.
It's fake.
It's made-up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's not all made-up.
It is.
Remember that guy Mark Cavanaugh? He writes for that show, America's Smartest Model.
Wait, Mark Cavanaugh? Really? - Oh, God, Mark Cavanaugh.
- [Laughs.]
She dated Mark Cavanaugh.
Yeah, for like a week, a week of nonstop passion.
That sounds like so many blow jobs.
[All laugh.]
America's Smartest Model.
That's the show where the models just sit around, drink chardonnay and argue, right? Yes, it should be called models arguing.
But what do you mean? He was, like, writing what the models were saying? Yeah, he sets up situations.
Like, he'll he'll take a black model, and then he'll get a racist white model.
And he'll get 'em drunk and put 'em in an apartment and tell them they have to share the same bed.
Why one bed? What? - Why one bed? - So they'll hook up.
Are you, like, not familiar with the format of reality television? I like it.
I like it.
He told me he's getting laid.
Yeah, he had sex with the racist one.
- Said he felt wrong after.
- Nice.
[Laughs.]
Okay, what else would you ban? How about texting and driving? Oh, fuck off.
I do not text and drive.
Okay.
You know, there's an app that actually turns off your phone once your car goes over ten miles per hour.
Oh, great, now all we need is an app that shuts off Jed's car after he has three drinks.
[All jeer.]
I'm a good athlete.
I can drive a car on three drinks, thank you very much.
- That's a terrible sport.
- [Laughs.]
Don't mess with me.
Okay, we're taking a cab tonight.
I think that actually it might be safer to text and drive Okay because now people are texting at red lights.
So when the light turns green, they're just sitting there, and it prevents them from getting t-boned by the jackass who's running the red light.
- See? Safety first.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
[Glass clinking.]
Hey, guys.
I just want to take a second to honor these lovely ladies here.
Oh.
You are all beautiful, sexy, foxy, beautiful saints for putting up with all of us.
We love you.
Thank you for coming tonight.
- Thank you.
- It was sweet.
[Glasses clinking.]
Give it here.
And if you're gonna take a cab home tonight, then you better start fucking drinking like it.
Just say when.
Say the word when, and I will stop.
I'm not saying when.
Just say stop when you - No.
- Just let me know when, though.
- Nope.
- I'm not stopping.
- I'm not either.
- I'm stopping it.
I have to work with him, so that's [whispering.]
I'll come back over later.
Cheers.
He's such a gentleman.
Such a gentleman.
Your kids are so freaking yummy.
Take them.
They're yours.
We went to this birthday party today, and they were just awful.
And then they wouldn't leave until they could take a crack at the damn pinata, but the birthday boy was having a hissy fit.
So I told them that the pinata was filled with healthy snacks, and that totally ruined it for them.
- And mama won.
- [Glasses clink.]
- You are such an evil mama.
- Mmm.
This is cozy.
Did you redo this room? Yeah, you and Charlie are welcome to spend the night, but you'd have to sleep with Fred and he'd probably wet the bed.
- He sleeps in here? - Yeah, rubber sheets and all.
- This is my life.
- Oh.
Yeah, I don't know if he's drinking more or if his liver just stopped working.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- Is that even possible? Why don't you ask Jed? Because Jed's an enabler.
That is a really good point.
Look who stopped by.
- Steve, hey.
- Hi.
- Great to see you guys.
- Hi.
This is Jenny.
- It is great to meet you.
- Hi.
So how did you guys meet? On the New York-Chicago red eye.
- I'm a flight attendant.
- Yeah, it was totally fate too.
I was only on that flight because Obama was visiting New York, and he fucked up all the traffic.
Yay, Obama.
I voted for Romney.
Fred, don't spill on the carpet.
Never.
Oop.
[Sighs.]
What we need is a purple carpet.
Club soda.
Fred is going big.
[Laughs.]
Smoke this fucking joint.
What the fuck's the matter with this thing? Steve, would you mind if I took a photograph of Jenny's butt? I want to paint it on my van.
- You don't have a van.
- I'll get a van.
- You should get a van.
- I'll get it for that.
Fine.
Dude, please tell me you've joined the mile high club.
Well, does a hand job under a blanket count? - [Groans.]
- Yes, it counts.
- Yes.
- Crunchy blanket.
- That's the name for it? - That's what you call it.
All right, I got a crunchy blanket in the stratosphere.
Fuck this fucking joint, man.
- It's not working.
- Freddy, I got a pipe.
How long were you gonna make me wait? Thank you.
You know what this this room needs, like, a ping pong table, yeah? - We got a foose table.
- Yeah, foose.
Yeah, that's because you suck at foose.
You suck at foose, dude.
Dude, my middle name is foose.
No, if you were good at foose, you're nickname would be foose, not your middle name.
My nickname and my middle name are foose.
But my middle name just means it's even more.
That means your parents knew you were gonna be good at foosball before you were born? They anticipated that I would be good at foose.
[Overlapping chatter.]
[Coughing.]
Because your middle name would be on that [coughing.]
[Vomits.]
[All groan.]
Get the poison out.
Before 9:00 P.
M.
, and he's thrown up.
It's clean.
It's clean.
I hadn't even no puke got on this, man.
That's a real nice touch.
Apple empanadas.
Lori made them.
- All: Hey.
- Girl from empanada.
Did you throw up? I hope not.
This is what true love looks like, guys.
- How's Jenny doing in there? - Yes, please tell us.
How's Jenny doing? We all want to know.
She's charming us all with a master class on the push-up bra.
Should I go rescue her? Rescue us.
Kidding.
Kidding.
Ooh, can I? - Yup.
- [Laughs.]
Bitch loves to hit the pipe.
as long as the devil had something else super bad Freddy, how'd you get a girl that hot? I bought her from Russia.
Yo, I got to go.
I got a whole crew of bisexual flight attendants waiting for me downtown.
You're an asshole.
You're welcome to join me if any of you can get a hall pass.
All right, well, I got to go eat some buttholes.
[Sighs.]
God, I would love to eat a butthole.
Or at least have the option of eating a butthole.
The option, man.
The option.
Nice to have the option.
Yeah, it would be like a possibility.
Sure, but you don't have to.
I don't have to, but I'd like knowing it's there.
Yeah, yeah.
You don't have to do it, but, yeah, if you want to.
- [All laugh.]
- We should go camping.
Like, go to Wisconsin or something.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Tents? Yeah, yeah, one tent for each married couple.
We're not married, by the way.
- All: Oh.
- I know.
How could we forget you're so free? We are in here.
Don't look at me.
I want to get married.
It's a lot easier to explain to people.
I have a partner.
They expect to meet a dude.
I'm the dude.
What if we did these luxury cabins? They have them on Balsam Lake, and they call it glamping.
No, no, we're staying in tents.
I don't tent.
I love you to pieces, but there is not a chance I'm sleeping in a tent with you.
- What? - You can sleep with Charlie.
No way.
No way, are you kidding me? Why? Does he snore? Oh, my God, does he snore.
No, this guy asleep sounds like a pig dying.
- But the pig dies all night long.
- Really? Yeah, he sleeps with his eyes open.
He's like a pig zombie.
He's like [Snores.]
It's not natural.
I hear that they have a surgery for that.
Teddy Epstein did it.
- A snoring surgery? - Yeah.
- Oh, Jed.
- You need to get that surgery.
- I'm not getting surge - You're totally getting that.
I'm not getting surgery for snoring.
They'd probably have to cut off his head, so Decapitation surgery.
You know who you should get to do the surgery is Dr.
Phil.
Can you imagine? He's not even a real doctor.
- Jesus Christ.
- We have neighbors.
I mean, he would shit himself if he had to do surgery.
- [Laughs.]
- No, Dr.
Phil is a real doctor.
They should just call him Phil.
- Just call him Phil, right? - [Hushes.]
No, they should call him Dr.
Phil.
PHD, University of North Texas.
Boom.
Joanna has a PHD.
Papa has dough.
Come on.
Come on.
[Laughs.]
All right.
Forget it.
I want a new I want a I want another empanada.
Who wants one? Anybody want one? I think they're all gone.
You want one? - I'm good.
- You want one? I'm good.
Empanadas tonight on Phil.
[Banging.]
Oh, fuck.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Hate this fucking door.
Fuck.
That was loud.
- What did he - That sounded really bad.
Don't get blood on my fucking couch.
- And so it begins.
- [Phone rings.]
And that's our cab.
Yeah.
All right.
Good hang, you guys.
Good hang.
[Overlapping chatter.]
You know we're picking up where we left off last night.
Oh, right, yeah, was it a again, it was, like, a backrub, or was it a foot rub? I think it was anal.
Ew.
Um, 8307 Pine.
Oh, shit.
I left my pipe in there.
Oh, tell Joanna.
I'll get my tray back tomorrow.
Okay.
And he was joking about anal.
We wouldn't I mean, I wouldn't I'm - Hey, gorgeous.
- Hi.
Mike forgot his coat.
Oh, and I still vote for glamping.
Oh yeah, me too.
Me too.
[Coughs.]
Freddy, you got my pipe? You know where my pipe is? [Coughs.]
[Coughs.]
[Grunting.]
- You got a bucket? - [Moans.]
- Freddy, you got a bucket? - Yeah? I'm totally groovy with you I wondered if we [Grunts.]
Lori will, uh, get her tray tomorrow.
left it all behind [grunting and moaning.]
Jed.
Dude.
We got band practice tomorrow? - What? - What? What the fuck, man? Dude, we were just talking.
It's she was crying about Freddy's alcoholism and her marriage.
- I was comforting her.
- With your dick in her mouth? - No, that didn't happen.
- I saw you.
- No, you're mistaken.
- I'm a dude, all right? Don't deny it till you die with me, asshole.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
Shit, look, I feel terrible.
I don't I don't know what happened.
I I'm totally freaking out.
She was crying, and then and then we hugged.
And then she kind of kissed me, and I guess I kissed her.
Skip ahead to the part where she got on her knees and blew you, Matt.
Dude, my wife is in the car.
I got to go.
I'll call you tonight.
I'm sorry.
I'll call you.
dance in the darkness if you find love lies oh, no, oh, no - Oh, chatty.
- Yeah.
How's Fred? He won't die.
Did you tell Jo about the tray? No, I didn't see her.
[Phone chimes.]
It's Joanna.
She said she had a great time and she loves us.
[phone chimes.]
What's that about, Jed? Did you see her, or not? Huh, she must have gotten my note.
Why are you acting weird? I'm not acting weird.
I'm acting horny, you hot little creature.
Come here.
Ready for that blow job? - Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
[Sighs.]
[Phone ringing.]
[Sighs.]
[Phone ringing.]
Is it the hospital? No, no, it's Matt.
Sorry.
I'm turning it off.
Turning it off, turning it off, turning it off.
You're not having an affair, are you? With Matt? No.
Better not be texting your girlfriend while I'm doing this.
[Sighs.]
from underneath that pretty veil you bought down the street something fragile maybe something weak oh-ohh, yeah I don't want to be alone I want to bring you back home yeah you don't have to go away you can stay here with me mm-mm now I see you can you see me? show you color that you've never seen start out slowly [Fading.]
[Duck quacks.]
Oh, it's Mai Tai.
You know what? You go.
Just come back to me.
- Two Lemonades and a Bud.
- Really? You couldn't kill a little more time than that? - I can come back.
- No, one second.
So you're drinking tonight? - I can have one drink.
- No, I don't care if you drink.
- I care if you snore.
- Order, Lori.
Hmm.
My wife is surprised when someone asks her what she wants to drink at a restaurant.
What do you recommend? Well, the Beijing Bellini is popular.
No.
Hmm, um What's a Chun-King Cannonball? Never mind.
Um, I'll just have, uh Oh, what is that? Oh, that's a Red Lotus.
Okay, sure, yeah, I'll try that.
Okay, I'll get those right out to you.
- A boy.
- What? - It's a girl.
- I love you.
No, it is a boy.
- Now order your food.
- Girl.
- Boy, look for yourself.
- Girl.
Daddy, tell him, daddy.
Tell him what, sugar? Boys have bigger boobs than girls, right? - What? No, no.
- See, stupid.
- Jack, come on.
- A mermaid's a boy, right? Tell him.
Tell him what? No, honey, a mermaid's a girl.
- Mermaids are girls, dummy.
- Ssh, Jack.
But boys have bigger boobs than girls, right, daddy? Because of your boobs? - What is she saying? - I don't even know.
Honey, what are you saying? Daddy has bigger boobs than you.
Remember, daddy, you said? [Funky music.]
Good night, mommy.
Why is our daughter confused about the gender of a mermaid? I was in the shower, and Never a good way to start a story involving children.
This was during one of my chubbier periods, and Emma came in and she said my new name was fat daddy.
Then she looked at her chest and she looked at my chest, and she said that I had bigger boobs than her, which was literally true.
And then she said I had bigger boobs than you.
[Laughs.]
What did you say? Hmm, I lost ten pounds.
You're probably more like a B cup now.
We can share bras.
[Laughs.]
Such an ass.
I'm going to the gym tomorrow.
Well, go in the morning because we got an early dinner party tomorrow at whoo-hoo Fred and Jo's.
You don't want to go? Oh, and watch Freddy get blacked-out drunk and listen to Joanna bitch about it? Why wouldn't I? No, no, no, Freddy says he's gonna start cutting back.
[Laughs.]
Oh, wait, white is recycling now.
I really like the kitchen in parenthood.
- Okay, weirdo.
- Shut it.
And they have their cans like this.
So just think of white as recycling goodness and black as evil garbage.
That's racist.
Hmm, yeah, but I married a brown guy, so I get a free pass.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
I'm ready for my birthday blow job.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Your birthday was like a month ago.
- G - Oh.
Okay, okay, if you really, really want it.
I really want it.
I really want it.
Happy Birthday.
[Sighs.]
I can't sleep.
Where's mommy? Uh, we're playing a little hide and seek.
I found her.
Oh, cute, you found me, sweetie.
Good job.
I found you.
You did.
- Oh, honey.
- [Sighs.]
- You can't sleep? - No.
Oh, sweetheart.
Don't kiss her with that mouth.
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
You don't want me to finish tonight, do you? Uh, need to? I have to be at work early tomorrow, but I promise, promise, promise to give you the greatest blow job you've ever had tomorrow night, okay? - Huh? - I'm holding you to that.
Oh, don't don't jerk off.
Just save it for tomorrow, okay? [Sighs.]
I can get you a helmet if the eye mask, ear plugs, and mouth guard aren't enough.
What? I can get you a helmet.
[Laughs.]
Night.
Good night.
[Sighs.]
[Snoring.]
Jed.
Jed, you're snoring.
- Roll over.
- [Sighs.]
[Snoring.]
- Babe.
- [Sighs.]
- [Sighs.]
- Thank you.
[Engine revs.]
[Knocking.]
You forgot your food, doctor.
Oh, thanks.
Hey, any chance you could give me a ride home? My shift's over, and my car's in the shop.
Thanks for walking me in.
It's a little scary with the lights off.
I'm gonna hop in if you care to join me.
Oh, I don't have a suit.
But you have boxers, right? So I'm gonna go in in my panties if you promise to be good.
Something to drink? Really? I just don't get it.
It helps me sleep.
Fantasizing about other women helps you sleep? I was fantasizing about you.
- Oh, come on.
- We were in a hot tub.
What hot tub? - It was in-ground.
- Oh, classy.
And you were wearing those Louie Vuitton those new Louie Vuitton shoes you just got.
Louboutin.
And I was wearing them in the hot tub? Well, you took 'em off, so What's up, butt face? Stevo.
What are you watching? - Walking dead.
- Oh, shit.
Did you get to the part yet where the zombie dude kills the human dude and then he becomes a zombie? This is a good show.
Yeah, I know.
I got to watch it.
Hey, what are you doing tonight? Uh, just a dinner party at Fred and Jo's.
Where's my invite? It's not my dinner party, but you should definitely stop by.
You guys don't like me anymore? We love you, but you never fucking show up anymore.
It's the wives, right? They don't like me.
There's not gonna be any single action there.
Can I bring a date? Pretending it's my dinner party, sure.
- Is it Shauna? - Shauna.
No, Shauna's a goner.
I got a new one.
I met her on a flight back from New York.
Don't tell me she's a flight attendant.
Yeah.
Virgin.
I told her I didn't know how to use a seatbelt, and she gave me a private demonstration.
Man, Virgin has the hottest flight attendants.
[Speaking with British accent.]
Thank you, Sir Richard.
You know, I don't even know if we can come because we got this stewardess party downtown, so it's gonna be, like, me and a bunch of 25-year-old girls contemplating our futures.
You think it's safe to work out with a hard-on? I hope so.
[Doorbell rings.]
Don't eat the empanadas.
- They smell good.
- Yeah, well You smell good.
Dear lord.
Is that what marital affection looks like? - Freddy, how are you? - How are you? - Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Oh, God, you got a hot wife.
Not on not not not on the lips.
Not on the okay.
God damn it.
Get in there.
Not on the fucking lips, I said.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey.
Are we the first ones here? No, Matt and Margaret are out back.
God, I cannot believe what Margaret's wearing.
It's straight out of the preppy handbook, circa 1988.
Oh, is it those plaid jumpers she loves? Yup.
Found these two kissing outside.
- Ew.
- She means it.
- What do you want to drink? - Vodka soda.
Pussy.
Lori? Yeah, um, I would love, uh - Good luck.
- Do you have what do you have? - Just wine.
- Take your time.
You really want to get it right.
[Laughs.]
I want to get it right.
I don't want to get a pussy drink.
Here you go.
- Hey.
- Jed.
Hey, handsome.
Don't be mad, okay? We're just having one.
No, no, it's great.
I can always use a couple more customers.
Oh, you are dark.
He literally is dark.
Wait, wait, wait, smoking causes brain damage? Yeah, yeah, smoking pretty much causes everything.
Ah, fuck it.
I can deal with a little dain bramage.
- Hi.
- Charles.
- Sir Edward.
- So good of you to come.
- Hi.
- Thank you, so do you.
- Gorgeous.
- Beautiful ladies.
Don't drink it all in one, please? [Laughs.]
Mine.
All mine.
Joanna, do you have any paper towel? I stepped in some shit in your yard, and I don't know if it's dog or human.
Could be Fred's.
No, I only shit in the backyard.
[Laughs.]
Reality television is an American disaster.
It's like a celebration of our dumbest and our worst.
- Oh, here we go.
- Just drink and agree with me.
If I was in charge of television, it would be banned.
- The president of television? - Yeah.
If I was in charge of television, reality would be banned.
Come on.
People like it.
It's fake.
It's made-up.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's not all made-up.
It is.
Remember that guy Mark Cavanaugh? He writes for that show, America's Smartest Model.
Wait, Mark Cavanaugh? Really? - Oh, God, Mark Cavanaugh.
- [Laughs.]
She dated Mark Cavanaugh.
Yeah, for like a week, a week of nonstop passion.
That sounds like so many blow jobs.
[All laugh.]
America's Smartest Model.
That's the show where the models just sit around, drink chardonnay and argue, right? Yes, it should be called models arguing.
But what do you mean? He was, like, writing what the models were saying? Yeah, he sets up situations.
Like, he'll he'll take a black model, and then he'll get a racist white model.
And he'll get 'em drunk and put 'em in an apartment and tell them they have to share the same bed.
Why one bed? What? - Why one bed? - So they'll hook up.
Are you, like, not familiar with the format of reality television? I like it.
I like it.
He told me he's getting laid.
Yeah, he had sex with the racist one.
- Said he felt wrong after.
- Nice.
[Laughs.]
Okay, what else would you ban? How about texting and driving? Oh, fuck off.
I do not text and drive.
Okay.
You know, there's an app that actually turns off your phone once your car goes over ten miles per hour.
Oh, great, now all we need is an app that shuts off Jed's car after he has three drinks.
[All jeer.]
I'm a good athlete.
I can drive a car on three drinks, thank you very much.
- That's a terrible sport.
- [Laughs.]
Don't mess with me.
Okay, we're taking a cab tonight.
I think that actually it might be safer to text and drive Okay because now people are texting at red lights.
So when the light turns green, they're just sitting there, and it prevents them from getting t-boned by the jackass who's running the red light.
- See? Safety first.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
[Glass clinking.]
Hey, guys.
I just want to take a second to honor these lovely ladies here.
Oh.
You are all beautiful, sexy, foxy, beautiful saints for putting up with all of us.
We love you.
Thank you for coming tonight.
- Thank you.
- It was sweet.
[Glasses clinking.]
Give it here.
And if you're gonna take a cab home tonight, then you better start fucking drinking like it.
Just say when.
Say the word when, and I will stop.
I'm not saying when.
Just say stop when you - No.
- Just let me know when, though.
- Nope.
- I'm not stopping.
- I'm not either.
- I'm stopping it.
I have to work with him, so that's [whispering.]
I'll come back over later.
Cheers.
He's such a gentleman.
Such a gentleman.
Your kids are so freaking yummy.
Take them.
They're yours.
We went to this birthday party today, and they were just awful.
And then they wouldn't leave until they could take a crack at the damn pinata, but the birthday boy was having a hissy fit.
So I told them that the pinata was filled with healthy snacks, and that totally ruined it for them.
- And mama won.
- [Glasses clink.]
- You are such an evil mama.
- Mmm.
This is cozy.
Did you redo this room? Yeah, you and Charlie are welcome to spend the night, but you'd have to sleep with Fred and he'd probably wet the bed.
- He sleeps in here? - Yeah, rubber sheets and all.
- This is my life.
- Oh.
Yeah, I don't know if he's drinking more or if his liver just stopped working.
- [Doorbell rings.]
- Is that even possible? Why don't you ask Jed? Because Jed's an enabler.
That is a really good point.
Look who stopped by.
- Steve, hey.
- Hi.
- Great to see you guys.
- Hi.
This is Jenny.
- It is great to meet you.
- Hi.
So how did you guys meet? On the New York-Chicago red eye.
- I'm a flight attendant.
- Yeah, it was totally fate too.
I was only on that flight because Obama was visiting New York, and he fucked up all the traffic.
Yay, Obama.
I voted for Romney.
Fred, don't spill on the carpet.
Never.
Oop.
[Sighs.]
What we need is a purple carpet.
Club soda.
Fred is going big.
[Laughs.]
Smoke this fucking joint.
What the fuck's the matter with this thing? Steve, would you mind if I took a photograph of Jenny's butt? I want to paint it on my van.
- You don't have a van.
- I'll get a van.
- You should get a van.
- I'll get it for that.
Fine.
Dude, please tell me you've joined the mile high club.
Well, does a hand job under a blanket count? - [Groans.]
- Yes, it counts.
- Yes.
- Crunchy blanket.
- That's the name for it? - That's what you call it.
All right, I got a crunchy blanket in the stratosphere.
Fuck this fucking joint, man.
- It's not working.
- Freddy, I got a pipe.
How long were you gonna make me wait? Thank you.
You know what this this room needs, like, a ping pong table, yeah? - We got a foose table.
- Yeah, foose.
Yeah, that's because you suck at foose.
You suck at foose, dude.
Dude, my middle name is foose.
No, if you were good at foose, you're nickname would be foose, not your middle name.
My nickname and my middle name are foose.
But my middle name just means it's even more.
That means your parents knew you were gonna be good at foosball before you were born? They anticipated that I would be good at foose.
[Overlapping chatter.]
[Coughing.]
Because your middle name would be on that [coughing.]
[Vomits.]
[All groan.]
Get the poison out.
Before 9:00 P.
M.
, and he's thrown up.
It's clean.
It's clean.
I hadn't even no puke got on this, man.
That's a real nice touch.
Apple empanadas.
Lori made them.
- All: Hey.
- Girl from empanada.
Did you throw up? I hope not.
This is what true love looks like, guys.
- How's Jenny doing in there? - Yes, please tell us.
How's Jenny doing? We all want to know.
She's charming us all with a master class on the push-up bra.
Should I go rescue her? Rescue us.
Kidding.
Kidding.
Ooh, can I? - Yup.
- [Laughs.]
Bitch loves to hit the pipe.
as long as the devil had something else super bad Freddy, how'd you get a girl that hot? I bought her from Russia.
Yo, I got to go.
I got a whole crew of bisexual flight attendants waiting for me downtown.
You're an asshole.
You're welcome to join me if any of you can get a hall pass.
All right, well, I got to go eat some buttholes.
[Sighs.]
God, I would love to eat a butthole.
Or at least have the option of eating a butthole.
The option, man.
The option.
Nice to have the option.
Yeah, it would be like a possibility.
Sure, but you don't have to.
I don't have to, but I'd like knowing it's there.
Yeah, yeah.
You don't have to do it, but, yeah, if you want to.
- [All laugh.]
- We should go camping.
Like, go to Wisconsin or something.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Tents? Yeah, yeah, one tent for each married couple.
We're not married, by the way.
- All: Oh.
- I know.
How could we forget you're so free? We are in here.
Don't look at me.
I want to get married.
It's a lot easier to explain to people.
I have a partner.
They expect to meet a dude.
I'm the dude.
What if we did these luxury cabins? They have them on Balsam Lake, and they call it glamping.
No, no, we're staying in tents.
I don't tent.
I love you to pieces, but there is not a chance I'm sleeping in a tent with you.
- What? - You can sleep with Charlie.
No way.
No way, are you kidding me? Why? Does he snore? Oh, my God, does he snore.
No, this guy asleep sounds like a pig dying.
- But the pig dies all night long.
- Really? Yeah, he sleeps with his eyes open.
He's like a pig zombie.
He's like [Snores.]
It's not natural.
I hear that they have a surgery for that.
Teddy Epstein did it.
- A snoring surgery? - Yeah.
- Oh, Jed.
- You need to get that surgery.
- I'm not getting surge - You're totally getting that.
I'm not getting surgery for snoring.
They'd probably have to cut off his head, so Decapitation surgery.
You know who you should get to do the surgery is Dr.
Phil.
Can you imagine? He's not even a real doctor.
- Jesus Christ.
- We have neighbors.
I mean, he would shit himself if he had to do surgery.
- [Laughs.]
- No, Dr.
Phil is a real doctor.
They should just call him Phil.
- Just call him Phil, right? - [Hushes.]
No, they should call him Dr.
Phil.
PHD, University of North Texas.
Boom.
Joanna has a PHD.
Papa has dough.
Come on.
Come on.
[Laughs.]
All right.
Forget it.
I want a new I want a I want another empanada.
Who wants one? Anybody want one? I think they're all gone.
You want one? - I'm good.
- You want one? I'm good.
Empanadas tonight on Phil.
[Banging.]
Oh, fuck.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Hate this fucking door.
Fuck.
That was loud.
- What did he - That sounded really bad.
Don't get blood on my fucking couch.
- And so it begins.
- [Phone rings.]
And that's our cab.
Yeah.
All right.
Good hang, you guys.
Good hang.
[Overlapping chatter.]
You know we're picking up where we left off last night.
Oh, right, yeah, was it a again, it was, like, a backrub, or was it a foot rub? I think it was anal.
Ew.
Um, 8307 Pine.
Oh, shit.
I left my pipe in there.
Oh, tell Joanna.
I'll get my tray back tomorrow.
Okay.
And he was joking about anal.
We wouldn't I mean, I wouldn't I'm - Hey, gorgeous.
- Hi.
Mike forgot his coat.
Oh, and I still vote for glamping.
Oh yeah, me too.
Me too.
[Coughs.]
Freddy, you got my pipe? You know where my pipe is? [Coughs.]
[Coughs.]
[Grunting.]
- You got a bucket? - [Moans.]
- Freddy, you got a bucket? - Yeah? I'm totally groovy with you I wondered if we [Grunts.]
Lori will, uh, get her tray tomorrow.
left it all behind [grunting and moaning.]
Jed.
Dude.
We got band practice tomorrow? - What? - What? What the fuck, man? Dude, we were just talking.
It's she was crying about Freddy's alcoholism and her marriage.
- I was comforting her.
- With your dick in her mouth? - No, that didn't happen.
- I saw you.
- No, you're mistaken.
- I'm a dude, all right? Don't deny it till you die with me, asshole.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
Shit, look, I feel terrible.
I don't I don't know what happened.
I I'm totally freaking out.
She was crying, and then and then we hugged.
And then she kind of kissed me, and I guess I kissed her.
Skip ahead to the part where she got on her knees and blew you, Matt.
Dude, my wife is in the car.
I got to go.
I'll call you tonight.
I'm sorry.
I'll call you.
dance in the darkness if you find love lies oh, no, oh, no - Oh, chatty.
- Yeah.
How's Fred? He won't die.
Did you tell Jo about the tray? No, I didn't see her.
[Phone chimes.]
It's Joanna.
She said she had a great time and she loves us.
[phone chimes.]
What's that about, Jed? Did you see her, or not? Huh, she must have gotten my note.
Why are you acting weird? I'm not acting weird.
I'm acting horny, you hot little creature.
Come here.
Ready for that blow job? - Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
[Sighs.]
[Phone ringing.]
[Sighs.]
[Phone ringing.]
Is it the hospital? No, no, it's Matt.
Sorry.
I'm turning it off.
Turning it off, turning it off, turning it off.
You're not having an affair, are you? With Matt? No.
Better not be texting your girlfriend while I'm doing this.
[Sighs.]
from underneath that pretty veil you bought down the street something fragile maybe something weak oh-ohh, yeah I don't want to be alone I want to bring you back home yeah you don't have to go away you can stay here with me mm-mm now I see you can you see me? show you color that you've never seen start out slowly [Fading.]
[Duck quacks.]