Regency House Party (2004) s01e01 Episode Script

When ten single men and women go back 200 years in time to look for romance, what can you expect? Bottoms up.
Ladies and gentlemen 36-24-35.
Start your engines.
For nine weeks, these men and women and their chaperones, of course So, you're my chaperone? You think that Mr.
Everett would be good in the sack? But the rules are not the same for everyone.
I need to ask you every day whether I'm coming down for dinner? I'll let you know.
It's the ultimate dating game I think she's very attractive.
At the Regency House Party.
We're going to have a wedding.
Fantastic.
Captioning sponsored by WNET/THIRTEEN NEW YORK This program was made possible by contributions to your PBS station from: in the heart of the Herefordshire countryside, is being taken back to the year 1811.
Preparations are under way for a house party a summer gathering that will last for nine weeks.
Our household staff of 40 specially trained servants are preparing for the arrival of five single men and five women eager to discover a new dimension to romance.
romance was a slow dance played out with courtesy and reverence.
But finding the right mate was not just about falling in love.
Marriage was business, a chance to achieve power, wealth and status.
Every move was scrutinized by matchmakers and chaperones.
During their summer together, will our men and women follow their 19th-century heads or their 21st-century hearts? Hosting our Regency house party will be our own Mr.
Darcy, 29-year-old Chris Gorell Barnes.
He lives in London and produces TV ads.
My mother is a psychiatrist; my father ran a merchant bank called Morgan Grenfell.
My father died when I was ten, which was a bit of a shock.
I've got a sister called Lucy, who's an artist and she's lovely.
I would like to, in a few years, get married and have a family, but I think it's a question of finding the right person.
I tend to sort of suddenly feel trapped quite quickly.
and kind of go hell-for-leather with it at the beginning, sort of almost go too far.
Gorell Barnes will be joined in the Regency mating game by volunteers like him from around Britain.
They're going to live and love by a new set of rules.
My last cigarette for 200 years.
I think the Regency period is very sexy, and I think that the whole courting process is different from today.
I'm most excited about the unknown.
I'm excited about actually living in history.
Regency Britain was a superpower in the making.
She was the richest country in the world.
Her military heroes, Nelson and Wellington, were squaring up to mighty Napoleon.
The Regency introduced us to attitude, personal trainers, the tabloid press and celebrity.
When George III went mad and relinquished his throne His son, the Regent, the most extravagant prince in history, showed his people how to party.
Good morning, sir.
Mr.
Gorell Barnes is set to follow the Regent's example as he takes over as host and master of Kentchurch Court for the next two months.
Next to make the journey back in time, the men of the party.
To help them become Regency gents, each is given a guide to the person he might have been 200 years ago.
Second to Mr.
Gorell Barnes in wealth and class is Mr.
Everett.
In a world where money and status count for everything, he's the next-best catch.
"You were born in 1782 "and you have a considerable family fortune.
"You perhaps enjoy the most freedom in choosing a wife "since you do not need money and you have no pressing duty to a noble bloodline.
" In modern life, John Everett works as a stage manager at London's Bush Theatre.
Are you out of your culture shock, are you? It's pretty weird, this.
It's very weird.
Do I just call you Chris Um I'm happy to call me Chris, but I think you're supposed to call me Mr.
Gorell Barnes.
Third in order of eligibility is company director and former dot-com millionaire Jeremy Glover.
His own Regency naval ancestor, Captain Blackwood, fought shoulder to shoulder with Nelson at Trafalgar.
As part of this project, I hope to get gout, I'd like an NVQ in boxing and fencing, hopefully fall in love with one of the, um one of the young ladies, get one of the chaperones pregnant Following family tradition, Jeremy Glover will be a Regency naval captain.
I guess it's probably more basic than I imagined for some reason.
Manage to see what are all these bits and pieces do here.
The fourth man in the social pecking order is Paul Robinson, a hairdresser from Brighton.
If there was someone in the house I'd probably fall in love with them straightaway because that's I'm quite an addictive person.
Can, um, you take my sword for me? A celebrity hairdresser of the day could make enough money to buy the ultimate fashion accessory: a commission in the army.
Whoa awesome.
At the bottom of the social pile is secondary school science teacher Mark Foxsmith.
I want children, you see.
I'm 32 and I want children and it gets worse and worse and worse every year.
Good day to you.
Do you know where you're going? Mr.
Foxsmith would probably have earned his living as a clergyman.
He's not much of a catch.
I would like to meet somebody who would be a permanent partner for the Yeah, I'm looking for true love.
Sir, would it be possible to have some water? Yes, sir.
Mr.
Foxsmith makes an unwelcome discovery he'll be sharing with Captain Robinson.
Was there two books here before, or did one of them just appear? Sharing rooms was commonplace.
At the smartest house parties, men were sometimes obliged to take turns to sleep in the same bed.
And it would be most awkward if I did.
I'm addicted to my snuff.
Already? All our Regency bucks have arrived at last.
Then they like nothing more than to party together.
a two-month supply.
Cigarettes have yet to be invented, so tobacco has to be snorted in the form of snuff.
Mr.
Gorell Barnes how are you? I'm very pleased to meet you.
Did you have a good journey? I had a fantastic journey.
Sir, I'm sharing a room with if I was to sleep on a couch somewhere else? I'm sorry that my house isn't big enough for you.
As the men are dining alone, the table is laid for a light, informal dinner.
I would like to propose a toast.
Raise our glasses to the next two months.
Let's tuck in, let's enjoy ourselves, yeah? Cheers.
Let's get on with it.
The custom of taking wine calls for one diner to catch the eye of another and invite them to drink.
You're supposed to gulp this stuff.
That's what I read some Before the days of clean water, Everyone in the Regency drank, many to excess.
The playwright Sheridan and the Prince Regent himself could each down 15 bottles of port in a day.
Are we going to make a wager? I was just asking, are you gentlemen £40 to the first person who bonks.
I can't really put "bonks," "shags.
" Only six hours into the experience and the men are behaving exactly as their Regency counterparts.
The first shag First shag is a good one.
Talking dirty drinking excessively and gambling at every opportunity.
First gentleman to obtain one of the ladies' petticoats.
Regency men could never be trusted with women, so every party had to be presided over by a hostess of mature years.
That task has been given to Mrs.
Fiona Rogers, a former society model and debutante.
Nowadays, young people take great offense at being told how they should or shouldn't behave.
But I do actually have a really big issue with bad manners.
It knocks me to hell, people who are rude.
Mrs.
Rogers is too much of a lady to be a servant, but she does have a job to do.
It will be up to her to keep the party respectable.
This is lovely.
She's not got an easy task.
Do we have the wager book? Yes, sir.
Thank you.
Welcome to Kentchurch Court.
I think I think it does the job.
I tell you what Would he do that, though? I need to ask my flunky.
Would he would he would he Would a gentleman crouch or would he remain on his chair? The gentlemen missed the arrival of their hostess.
In this day and age, this wasn't a problem.
Would have kept on with your conversation.
It was indescribably rude of the host to be in such a condition that he was unable to receive me when I arrived.
If he'd had any breeding and manners, he would have ensured that he was still able to, um uh greet me on arrival in his house.
Oh, well.
Here we begin.
It's the morning of the second day, and the women of the Regency house party are due to arrive.
Mr.
Glover? Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
After protesting at being asked to share a room, Mr.
Foxsmith unwittingly spent the night on the lawn.
Um, do you know what happened to me last night? Sir, I'm afraid I I don't have that information.
Because I've got a bit of memory loss.
I personally thought it was very, very peculiar and very rude that the host was so drunk last night that he was unable to come and greet me.
Would you like me to shave you this morning, sir, or would you like to shave yourself? I might not bother.
Um may I suggest you will be meeting the hostess today, so I would advise you shave, sir.
All right.
While the Regent is now making a point of bathing daily, in most British homes, such practice is deemed a gross excess.
Stream clean clean, clean.
Personal cleanliness limits bathing to every few weeks or months.
I'm the cleanest person out, you know.
I'm clean as a whistle.
What I did is I sneaked off to a stream and, um, I'm clean I'm clean boy.
Clean! I'm clean! Mr.
Gorell Barnes has the customary draft of ale for breakfast.
He has yet to meet the hostess.
A meeting was requested by the hostess, which was supposed to be here at 11:00, but now she's decided that she wants to delay it.
But she hasn't told me why, and she wants to change venue.
A bit cheeky.
Do you want something stronger? Not before arrival.
Equipping the men for the Regency continues with one key accessory.
Time for us to have some fun with these pistols.
Firing live shots.
Beyond the country estate was a world of cutthroats and highwaymen.
A man might have to defend his property and his honor which was wildly inaccurate and could explode.
hell! While prohibited by law, dueling was still common.
Over 90% were fought over women.
Where did that go? That one's mine.
This one's mine.
At last Mr.
Gorell Barnes is to meet the hostess.
It's in his interest they get along.
Her job includes finding him a suitable wife.
Come in.
Hello.
Do excuse me not getting up.
How was your journey? Not too bad, not too bad.
I mean, I gather you all had sort of you got everybody here yesterday, so it was deemed better for me to meet you all this morning.
I would have thought it was in both our interest to work, you know, to each other's advantage.
In return for a pleasant summer and all her board, Mrs.
Rogers will be looking out for a partner for the young master.
Pairing him up with the right kind of girl could earn her a hefty reward.
You have to try and facilitate me finding a wife? Mrs.
Rogers already has a candidate in mind.
She's also chaperone to a real-life countess.
My full name is Larushka Danielovna Ivan-Zadeh Griaznov.
And mainly I work as a barmaid and I review horror films.
I can call myself Countess Griaznov if I chose.
Men seem to find it quite romantic and exciting, so if you mention you're a countess, they tend to get rather excited.
"As a titled lady with an impressive social background "and a reputation of wealth, you are the prize catch of the ladies.
" Like the gentlemen, the ladies have also been given a guide to the life they could have had in the early 1800s.
Just to give you a rundown on my charge, she's Russian aristocracy dating back to Ivan the Terrible on your father's side.
Mrs.
Rogers loses no time in promoting the countess to Mr.
Gorell Barnes.
If she can pair them off, she'll be rewarded by both families.
Do you like Larushka? Really, really nice clever, um pretty, just really nice.
As the highest-ranking woman, she gets the best room in the house.
But the countess has a little secret.
"Contrary to your appearance of wealth, "the cost to your family of supporting Czar Alexander "in the recent wars with Prussia and France "has left them, and you, virtually penniless.
"It is imperative that you do your utmost "to keep this shameful fact a secret and maintain an appearance of wealth.
" Protocol forbids the men to greet the ladies on arrival.
There's a lady in the library with a telescope looking up the hill.
And what's she doing? She's looking at me looking at her.
So, you're my chaperone? Yes.
You're looking after my interests.
Are you looking after the other girls? The host is the highest sort of? Yeah, he seems perfectly acceptable.
I think it would be a good idea I was thinking to myself, "What would I say about the fact "that I have less money than any other girl here even though I'm the highest status?" I thought my cover story might be that I've had quite a racy and interesting life and my father has sent me to England to try and make me into a proper lady, um and because of my gambling habits has cut my my, um expenses income.
It does say here you could be the bane of my life so I wouldn't risk it, darling.
I already feel that way.
I'm a big girl.
Will I read everybody the rules of the house? Okay, the rules of captivation for gentlemen: getting your leg over.
In this world where men and women can only ever meet formally, it's vital our gentlemen are equipped to detect the slightest hint of interest.
Right, let's go to the fan bit, because I like that.
Right, if the fan is presented shut Yeah, that that is that means they love you.
What, very slowly? Now, this is important.
If they're carrying it in their right hand that means you're coming on too much.
Right, so that could be an important one.
So slow down a bit, gentlemen, if they're doing that.
Ah, arrivals.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, God, is she wearing a bonnet? Six foot, 36-24-35.
Squint the eye.
There she blows! The second woman to arrive, and the most attractive marriage prospect, is industrial heiress Victoria Hopkins.
She's rich.
I am the sales and marketing director of my family's engineering company.
I work with my dad and my uncle.
My love life is referred to by my friends as the travelator, because there's always kind of at least one or two people on it.
There's very few men who can afford me if I'm honest.
I need refining.
You do need refining.
You're a bit rough around the edges.
Yeah, apparently so.
Victoria's chaperone is real-life aristocrat Elizabeth, Lady Devonport.
A titled lady was often paid to introduce daughters of the socially inferior into high society.
I call them Mr.
this and Captain that My chaperone is absolutely fantastic.
We come from kind of very, very different backgrounds, and I know that she is a kind of proper lady, um which for me is is kind of I'm very privileged to meet somebody of such status.
A drink to the ladies.
It's been nice having the company of men, but, uh, we definitely need, um people of the female persuasion to arrive.
In Regency terms, Miss Hopkins' new money would be a perfect match for Mr.
Everett's old family connections.
Describe Victoria tall, slim, fat, round? Um, quite slim.
Would you, uh would you Would you her? Thank you.
The whole experience is really, really overwhelming.
I don't really know how to behave just yet.
I kind of want to be me, but I I'm not me, the way I'm dressed and the kind of surroundings and the people and the way they're talking to me.
Would you like anything? No, I'm fine, thank you.
Next to arrive is Lisa Braund.
She's a receptionist with a firm of property developers.
Current state of my love life? Uh, pretty nonexistent.
I've been out speed dating.
You get to talk to someone for exactly three minutes and then guys get up and jump to the next chair.
Miss Braund ranks third in the female marriage stakes.
Her chaperone is real-life self-made millionairess Oh, look at the wild flowers cow parsley, campion.
Everything's beautiful nettles.
Oh, wow! Guests are given rooms according to their status.
Only those with money and rank get any privacy, as the impoverished Miss Braund and her wealthy chaperone are about to discover.
So, are we both in this room? Double bed, but I'm a bit surprised about the rooms.
My reaction was: "Oh, my God, we're sharing a double bed.
" No, darling, this is your room.
I've got a little tiny bunk thing.
Will you fit in that? Then I thought, "She's richer than me, so she'd obviously have a nicer place," and she has.
So I've got this kind of little box-room thing But it'll be fine I'm looking forward to it.
I'm not a governess.
Miss Braund's closest rival and next in order of eligibility is 25-year-old trainee headhunter Hayley Conick.
I'm very single very single.
Um, and I have been for uh, over a year.
Welcome to Kentchurch Court, ladies.
Miss Conick's chaperone is Mrs.
Rosemary Enright, a former army officer turned romantic novelist.
It's a lovely room, isn't it? As Mrs.
Enright said, I'm the Elizabeth Bennett.
Maybe she's being a bit hopeful there, but, yeah, the, um the lady of no means financial means but, um hopefully well, according to this anyway, um of other talents.
Sharing is an excellent way of ensuring there's no monkey business.
I can rest easy and not be leaping at them at every creak.
The eligible members of the party have all arrived.
Now they prepare to meet.
In the Regency, it wasn't only the women who dressed to titillate.
Britain had the most sought after tailors in Europe.
It does make you feel very kind of you feel quite powerful.
Men's jackets were cut to reveal all from the waist down.
Ladies dressed to accent softness of form: round arms, shoulders and breasts.
So, you're all nervous? No, I'm, I'm You're as cool as a cucumber.
They all sort of know little Regency things, you know, which side her fan's going to be pointing at you.
You know what I mean? But then lots of girls like a bit of rough, don't they? So I might be all right.
At last, the moment everyone has been waiting for.
Good evening.
Let me introduce you to our host.
This is Mr.
Gorell Barnes.
Mr.
Everett, Captain Glover, Mr.
Foxsmith and Captain Robinson.
It's time for the chaperones to get to work.
They've got to discover fast who's got the money and who's got the class.
to get their girl the man with the best prospects.
Quite suddenly Mr.
Foxsmith avowed his admiration for Miss Conick to me.
He said a great deal that was pleasant to hear about her eyes.
So I promptly asked Mr.
Foxsmith, without beating around the bush, what his income was.
He said it was £200 a year.
I asked him how he was augmenting his income what prospects of preferment he had in his profession, and none of them sound impressive.
I'm not interested in their money.
I'll go for the poorest one if she's the one I like.
Mrs.
Hammond is already scheming to secure wealthy Mr.
Gorell Barnes for her charge, Miss Braund.
The wonderful Captain Robinson and I have reached an agreement.
What happened there? He will promote my charge and he will tell all of the other chaps because it's very important that the other chaps see her as very, very desirable.
And for that great favor, he has agreed to accept 20 whole pounds to help him with his gambling endeavors.
Probably feeling the same as us the insecurity of For his 20 quid in today's money around £700 Captain Robinson is not helping to promote Miss Braund.
They all look like they've got big arses, and that is the dresses, isn't it? You'll have to get their clothes off, then, won't you? The one I instantly found attractive was, um Miss Hopkins, because she kind of blushed when she come in.
I quite like that.
She's very English rose.
Yeah.
What do you think of of the countess? I think I'll tell you what if she took her glasses off, she's quite pretty.
Foxy's Foxy's going for it look.
He's going for the chaperone.
Foxy.
The table is laid for the first formal dinner, each place set with an individual cooler in which the one glass could be washed between wines.
But one person won't be invited to dinner Miss Francesca Martin.
She is the Cinderella of the party.
I've had this penchant for stalking people at university.
I met this person who I decided immediately was my perfect man, and instead of just, like, reacting normally, I just sort of chased his taxi down the road at night and just like yelling at him, "Love me! Love me!" She will be lady's companion to the hostess in effect an unpaid servant.
Officially, Miss Martin has no romantic prospects.
Dinner was the highlight of the Regency day.
Guests process to the dining room in order of status.
The men accompany the chaperones, leaving the younger women to follow behind.
Has everyone got a drink? To the ladies, and, um, I hope you all enjoy yourself.
Bottoms up.
Let the fun begin.
Soupe à la reine.
The term "nouvelle cuisine" was coined during the Regency for a meal which began with a healthy soup.
A dish of oysters with cayenne pepper escalopes of veal, anchovy toasts, roast ribs of lamb and mint sauce.
Two courses, or removes, followed, and guests helped themselves.
Regency recipes mixed sweet and sour.
Diners piled their plates with meat, fish and puddings, all at the same time.
To demonstrate quality and freshness, the head was always served with its meat.
Britain was the only country in the world where women were expected to leave the men to drink at the table after dinner.
I just feel really suffocated.
I think it's the restrictions that are placed on me that I'm finding really hard.
I love to play snooker, and I know I can't go in there, and that's really, really unfair because I know I'd kick their arse.
What do you think of the ladies? No, I I thought they're beautiful princesses, thank you.
is make a list of each lady and then we'd give them points.
Lady Devonport.
Uh, physically was the person that, uh, perhaps I'd rip the clothes off first.
Let me guess ten? Ten.
First impressions are never right.
The women have been waiting for the men to join them for a good three hours.
They managed to come across as being a fairly kind of arrogant bunch, I thought.
Did you not think that? I reserve judgment, my dear.
I think the host is a good-looking guy, and men like that don't do anything for me either.
Um thinking of one person that stood kind of stood out to me was the gentleman Mr.
Everett, who was quite quiet, and I think that's merely because he was obviously being himself and not feeling the need to kind of get on the testosterone bandwagon.
I think the host is incredibly handsome Yeah, and I think he knows it, too.
Hmm, how nice to see you.
It's very nice of you to have joined us at last.
Can I offer any of you ladies some snuff? Because I know you are all quite keen on tobacco, if you'd like a fine line or snort.
No, I don't think we're allowed.
No, I'm Am I allowed? offering to you if you'd like some snuff.
I'm afraid, ladies, it is not on offer.
No, it isn't up to them now.
That's most unfair.
It's up to their chaperones and me.
It's it's very cruel to actually offer them I've pretty much had enough of this place.
It is just the most oppressive thing I think I've ever done in my life.
Here I am, a grown woman, and I just can't do anything.
I'm being treated like a little girl, and it's starting to really depress me.
Later that night Miss Hopkins' frustrations boil over.
She lets rip at the hostess.
She told me to off.
I was very, very angry with her.
I do not see what gives anybody the right to talk to an older woman as rudely as that.
While young women of the Regency were closely guarded, their chaperones, who were married, often had discreet affairs.
I've certainly connected more at the moment than I have with any of the sort of intended victims.
I think that she's such a special person.
She's such an incredible person.
She's such a beautiful person.
Robert, do you know who could have left me this posy flower? Sir, I've inquired but I have had no, uh, response; nobody has told me anything.
I think it might be, um, Lady Devonport, yeah, who is an extremely special person.
I think she's very attractive.
Sadly for Mr.
Foxsmith, Lady Devonport may not be around for much longer.
Since her charge insulted the hostess, both could face eviction.
I was very, very angry I thought her behavior was unbelievable in both centuries.
She is a very, very rude girl.
No, I'm going to pass on the pork chops this morning.
Well, you know we always have pork chops for breakfast.
I'm caught up in all this ridiculous atmosphere that's just dragging everybody down.
I'm sick of all of the social hierarchy and the one-upmanship.
I can't relate to it.
and I can't play the game, because it's just not inside me.
I am who I am; take me or leave me.
This means "Yes.
" And this means "no.
" And this is um "I love another.
" And this is "I'm married.
" The men, who had all the fun in the Regency, are already enjoying a busy schedule of country sports.
A bit of trot, Glover? They're oblivious of the tensions back at the house.
Legs again, sir.
Give the leg command again.
Give it a squeeze and ask for the trot.
For the women, who are left to wait, there are no pleasant distractions.
Thank you so much for coming to see me, because I think we really ought to discuss, um, the behavior that went on last night.
Lady Devonport has called on the hostess to defend her charge, Miss Hopkins.
The boys really like her.
Tough! There are lots of other people who would like her to stay, and they might be able to help her to behave in an appropriate way so that she The only way to help her to behave in an appropriate way is by ignoring her tantrums.
I am I'm very sorry.
I am really angry with her.
She didn't think she had a tantrum.
She did have a tantrum.
Nobody behaves like that.
Come on, Lady Devonport.
You can't say that her behavior was in any way acceptable at any point in history.
I am so angry about it.
You've got to decide whether you want to keep her in control to the degree that you then stay or you allow her to completely mess up your whole summer, because as far as I understand it, if she goes, you will have to go, too.
She said she wanted to be chucked out.
That was her parting shot at me: "If you want to get me sent away, I'll be thrilled!" And she flounced off into the house.
I'm not going to be talked to like that.
So, I don't want to be angry with her, because it just isn't what I do, but I do think she's out of line, and I have said so.
Well, let's leave it at that.
We're going round and round in circles.
Okay, well, I'll then just tell her.
Well, you could have been rude to her.
You can be horrible to her; I don't want to be.
Her father is paying you to introduce her into smart society because they're too bloody common.
I think you do, and I think she knows that, too.
Miss Hopkins has decided to meet the hostess face to face.
People like myself and then some of the other girls are really, really finding this hard.
I'm not that stupid, my love.
that everybody is finding this exceedingly difficult.
So am I.
Can you look in your heart and really say that your parents and your grandfather Would he really be proud? Do you think, "Oh, my girl's really good I really don't think that's for you to say, do you? I do, because I'm older than you.
Does that mean you're any wiser? I think you'd better leave my room now.
I do not want you to bring my family into this.
Aren't you betraying your father, who is My father wants the best for me, yes.
Yes, and he sees the best for you to learn how to behave in polite society.
And that's what I'm here to learn.
So, a bit more humility Is it okay if I can go now? Yes, please do.
Thank you.
To relieve the tension in the women's quarters, Mr.
Gorell Barnes is supervising an evening entertainment which they, too, can enjoy.
No Regency party was complete without fireworks.
These replicate those designed for the inauguration of the Prince Regent on June 19, 1811.
Determined that his firework party should herald peace and harmony over his reign at Kentchurch, Mr.
Gorell Barnes visits the hostess.
All she seems to be doing is thinking about how hard she's finding it.
I don't know if "advice" is the right word, I think we should probably cut people a bit of a slack until and let ease them into it, because I think that such restrictions that are being applied to some women, and especially women that have had such a free life before that they need they might need more time to adapt.
I think at the moment, all of us are so worked up because it's new to all of us.
The fireworks bring a moment of pure Regency magic.
But will they have the desired effect? For Mr.
Foxsmith, the fire of romance has already started to kindle, Miss Hopkins, too, could have an admirer.
See, I've never been this close to fireworks.
I feel I feel very close, actually.
In an age that was just learning to celebrate the power of love, fueled on by a few glasses, Mr.
Everett has made up his mind: He's going to convince Miss Hopkins to stay.
What?! What? Throwing stones at me.
Actually, I am wooing you.
I'm wooing you in a big way.
I appreciate your advances towards me, but No, no I just find you extremely attractive.
I I from the moment you walked in here, I found you attractive.
I want you to come down here Do you want to come down here? - Stop it.
- It's not fair on them.
Come on.
Of course it is.
If you do it, I will reprimand you.
Just get back inside.
Fantastic.
It's early days in the Regency House, but it's already clear that not all guests are created equal.
Too tight? That's fine.
Everyone has their own personal servant everyone, that is, except the lowly Miss Francesca Martin, who is dependent on the occasional kindness of a passing maid.
I'm not an equal guest in the house, which on a practical level has proved to be quite difficult because, um, I don't have my own maid, so I'm often found in my underwear running up and down the corridor looking for anyone to just do me up.
Miss Francesca's position is lady's companion, effectively an unpaid servant.
She's the right class but has no money, so no Regency gentleman would think of marrying her.
Certainly in this game, which is about wealth and status, I think that I'm certainly, like, the the lowest woman, um, ranking, you know, number five.
And I'm for I think I'm a backup plan, I think, I mean, yeah, I'd have to sort of seriously use some charms to, um, attract an eligible man, I think.
Miss Francesca can only look on as the other guests make their first tentative moves in the Regency mating game.
There was no serenading because I couldn't think of anything to sing.
The only way to get on in this life is to marry someone with class or money, and preferably both.
To get a wife, it was essential to look the part.
This is Professor Radford a Regency sports expert and world-record sprinter.
Regency gentlemen would use distinguished sportsmen like him as personal trainers.
Well, the plan of attack is twofold one to introduce them to the pugilistic arts, so that they're prepared to defend themselves and can protect the honor of the lady, or whatever.
And then we'll move on to a little bit of posture and deportment and how a gentleman's bearing should be attended to and considered at all times.
And then we're going to take them outside and give them a breathing stretch their legs, get their lungs going and introduce them to the art walking, um, athletically walking in a manly way, walking in a way that, um, might, in fact, lead to competition and wager.
As the wealthiest and most eligible of the Regency bucks, the master of the house Mr.
Gorell Barnes can afford to take this lightly.
to get excited about, learning how to walk, isn't it? I'm very much looking forward to the reactions when I go and tell the other guys.
Yeah, I've just come to tell you what, um, the plans are for this afternoon.
We're going to learn how to walk properly.
Walk? Oh, you're joking.
Can't wait.
Good, good.
I thought I had it mastered and, um, I've been under the impression for the last 30 years that I've been quite good at walking.
Just like the men, the women also need to make themselves irresistible no easy task with just one bath a week.
As the highest-ranking lady in the house, real-life Countess Griaznov is the first to enjoy this precious ritual Regency bathwear and all.
It's so amazing.
I can't tell you.
It's just incredible.
When you're in a bath, you feel relaxed, because you're yourself and it's just you naked and it doesn't seem any different because it's just you.
But if you're somebody covered in this strange-looking, wet material, it's like some strange sort of erotic experience.
The ladies spend much of the day trying to improve their looks with primitive cosmetics.
In her room, the countess is joined by Miss Conick a lady of modest means to try out Regency shampoo a soufflé of egg whites rinsed with rum and rose water.
Going somewhere nice this summer? So, if you're a Regency lady, then, you you know, your looks are vital.
So you probably did have to put yourself through all these weird and wonderful treatments.
God knows how they managed with eggs and rum, I don't know.
This is what the place that I haven't got to yet, how crucially important it would have been for somebody like me to be playing this mating game, because if I didn't get married then, I mean, I have no fortune.
I have no money.
My situation is that if I don't get married, um, this season, then, um, I think I'm basically an an impoverished old maid.
I think of it like a business contract, and you have to land the best business contract to get ahead.
That's the only way you can think about it, because if you think about it involving emotions, then it would just be too awful.
It's like.
.
It's glue it's glue.
I'm covered in glue.
Tightening of the lace on a corset puts an accent on the bosom, which nature has formed in perfect symmetry.
A point not lost on the nouveau riche Miss Hopkins.
It's, um, an amazing feat.
You know, out here your cleavage is a status, and you kind of, you know, the And you are really conscious of it, because there are girls in the house that have got bigger chests than I have, and, uh, so you do become, like, really conscious of it, and you keep hitching them up.
who's got the biggest, you know, cleavage.
And so it is quite a feminine It's your only weapon for the men, because you know what does it for them.
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Good afternoon.
Fine body of men here.
I'm going to suggest that you seat yourselves down there.
Men ate and drank to excess.
Yet a strong and manly figure was much prized.
Byron exercised daily to work off the ravages of the night before.
After all, your looks told the world who you were.
As you are walking backwards and forwards, you must put yourself under constant surveillance.
What impact are you making that will will single you out from the lower orders who will slouch around and take an inferior part in the world? Captain Glover is taking to this philosophy with a passion.
What I find with this lifestyle is that it's got much more emotional range.
And a round of applause.
It's a very interesting contrast and making yourself look look pretty and beautifying yourself, and all this way that we stand and I mean, our clothes are amazing.
Coupled with the masculinity, I think that's They were obviously men of more extremes than maybe we we are now in the modern world.
Think of your footfall.
Walking with poise, or pedestrianism, was regarded as a gentlemanly art something Captain Robinson is uncomfortable with.
I don't want to walk like this and like this.
I don't.
It's creeping me out trying to.
I don't want to be posh.
I want to stay rooted.
and I'm meant to be fiercely proud of my roots.
is it's making me fiercely proud of my roots.
Nice, steady, long steps.
Concentrate on them.
While the men and women preen themselves, the lady's companion can only watch from the sidelines.
Miss Francesca Martin spends her time running errands for the hostess, like arranging the seating plan for dinner.
that the professor of sport, um, is joining us for dinner, and according to the protocol of the time, it simply would not have been right for Miss Martin, um, to have dinner with us.
My feeling is that that's quite right.
I wasn't actually going to come down for dinner but the other ladies apparently felt that it was my first night and how shocking that I would be left in my room.
So that was kind of nice, because I got a sympathy vote without actually feeling like I really deserved it.
Ah! Ah! Now, let's see.
It says here, doesn't it? Perhaps they've all got things.
Please come in.
Um Um, I've just been told by Mr.
Daly that I'm to ask you every day whether I'm coming down for dinner.
Yes, but we're a bit busy Could we perhaps discuss this later, Miss Martin? Okay, how how many minutes? Just a half an hour, or I'll let you know.
Okay, thanks very much.
It just seems that no one really cares, and I'm just sort of left wandering around, feeling like an absolute twit by myself, alone again.
And even all the other girls look at me weirdly.
I mean, "Are you coming down to dinner?" "I don't know what's going on.
" At the hostess's insistence, Miss Francesca dines in her room alone.
She's excluded from the heart of the Regency day the moment when men and women came together to display themselves to one another.
I really like Robinson's waistcoat.
Upstairs Miss Francesca has to rely on the servants Yeah, yesterday all the men sat round a table and they were writing in the book who they fancied.
Because Mr.
Robinson spends all his time with Jack, and said, "I'm going to let you write for me.
" And Jack just said to, you know, him, "Miss Martin?" And he just went, "Very good, Jack.
" He had this massive grin on his face.
Having a suitor would have been a godsend for the likes of poor Miss Francesca.
If she can tempt the captain into marriage, she'll be made for life.
Captain Glover has arranged an early wake-up call.
Morning, Captain.
Ready for your training, sir? Just get yourself dressed, sir, and we'll go out.
The professor's assistant, Mr.
Dean, has come to give him some extra training Regency style.
I think exercise should be put to a purpose, and I guess if we're, uh, riding the horses, shoveling their is part of the the balance, isn't it? The men have decided to hold a grand contest so they can challenge each other on the sports field.
is hoping to steal a march on his opponents.
Oh, morning, Gorell Barnes.
This is quite amusing.
You've got to watch this.
We got to slightly worry Captain Glover is shoveling literally.
With a brutal frankness, people in this society were made to feel their origins.
Captain Robinson is realizing just how difficult life could be for the upwardly mobile.
He should be looking for a wealthy wife but feels more at home with that other outsider, Miss Francesca.
I can't do it.
I can't I can't play the game.
You don't need to play the game.
It's not a game.
in this house with these grounds.
I should have been a footman, and maybe that's quite interesting because of my background.
I should have been a footman, but I was lucky enough to get invited to a party.
Because I need to have my pulse on everything.
When the hostess gets wind of their budding romance, But for a lady's companion in the 19th century, I do feel her behavior is totally inappropriate.
Would you like a written report, ma'am, If he's behaving naughtily with somebody, I need to know, um, and warn him that it's not, um, I think the word is "commensurate" with his position, and it could jeopardize, you know, everything for him.
Hello, Mrs.
Rogers.
No, well, I was taking a walk, and he was as well, so Okay.
I'm getting a bit bored with people not trying hard enough.
People need a jolt and to be reminded that they need to think about what they're doing here.
The only escape from this suffocating life something that was becoming fashionable for the first time.
Country estates were being landscaped into untamed wildernesses.
The best were equipped with that disciple of nature, the hermit.
I've been a hermit in sort of in all but name in various occasions in my life.
I fell into the possession of a huge red Indian tent that you have a big fire in the middle of, um, when I was in my very early 20s.
I used to live in it every summer, on various people's land.
And the people who owned the land used to, uh, come up and and visit with with friends, sort of, before dinner with a drink in their hands.
And is it was exactly the way the hermit was shown off, you know, treated like a proper, well-loved family pet.
Artist Zebedee Helm is following in a humble tradition of lovelorn poets, philosophers and religious men who chose the hermit life.
Quite rude and simple, but there's enough there, I think, to support a man in the wilds for two months.
Advertisements for hermits often stipulated that they grow their hair and fingernails, take port with their master weekly and jump out of bushes to scare the ladies.
I'm extremely jealous of the people living in the house, with their lovely food and their fancy clothes.
But I enjoy this style of life, and so I think it's important for me to try and make them as jealous as possible of what I've got.
You know, you want what you can't have or you think you do.
Um, and that's what I represent.
Yeah, a wild heathen fantasy.
The worship of nature was considered good for the soul the more tempestuous, the better.
We have an example of Josiah Eaton, who, again, moving the Two miles away.
The storm is a chance to show off their Regency bravado, essential training for the forthcoming contest.
Fancy a box? Yes.
But the power of nature has made little impression on Captain Robinson.
I want to go home.
And if I can't go home, I'll just go mad.
It's, like, the days here are really cool and, um we do really cool stuff.
And then we have this three-hour meal, and depending on who you're sitting next to, it could be quite a nice experience or the most drawn-out, long, boring experience ever.
It's like coming home from a a, like, good day at work and watching the same video every night.
And eventually it just, like, gets really boring.
The other outsider, Miss Francesca, is last in line She's obliged to use a stranger's dirty water.
Oh, whose bath water was it? Is it very dirty? Do I just literally get in? Yeah.
It's actually weirder getting in with a chemise.
If I don't say yes to this bath the bath water So I can't be bothered to get upset about little things.
It's more sort of the big things that upset me like Captain Robinson today was upsetting.
I pretty much spend every evening with him, and so I that would be awful you know, it would just be such a shame to lose him.
It would be gutting.
There's no chance of losing Captain Glover; I think we will become gentlemen.
I think we will take a lot of these lessons on board, embrace them and we will change.
between a gentleman and a and a dandy, or a man of fashion.
A gentlemen doesn't act the part; he is the part, and I think that's what we're starting to learn.
Breathe, sir.
I mean, this is all alpha-male, alpha-female stuff, isn't it? It's not just the best-looking but the healthiest and the fittest and the most sharpest of mind.
And a lady will find that attractive.
You know, it's basic instinct, isn't it? Stand still.
That evening, the hostess agrees to a game of outdoor sardines and events take a turn that could change Captain Robinson's fortunes forever.
Three two one go! Four five six Go! False start.
The guests head for the bushes in the hope of enjoying some forbidden intimacy.
Have fun.
See you soon.
Yeah.
when I was a teenager, and you were really hoping that, you know, you might be squeezed close to, um, the boy that, you know, you were fancying.
Making the most of the opportunity, Captain Robinson seeks out Miss Francesca, and there abandoning all hope of social advancement he makes an offer.
It's just been announced.
You do know, it's at a very early stage, but the intention is there is an understanding between Captain Robinson and Miss Francesca of a marital type, but of course it has to be cleared with, uh, Mrs.
Rogers, who's sort of who are kind of guardians, employers? We're going to have a wedding.
Fantastic.
This man Hug.
This man is a fantastic man.
Cheers, mate.
The Regency world revolved around engagement, the defining moment of a person's life.
Bagging an army captain is a step up the social ladder for Miss Francesca.
But the hapless captain has let his heart rule his head.
I don't know if this is ethical or if this is allowed to happen or any of this is allowed to be done, but I think it's brilliant that he said that if he could marry her that he'd be very happy to spend the next nine weeks here.
Um, I always wanted a Las Vegas-style wedding and, um Miss Francesca, will you marry me? Yes, sir.
Thank you.
It's the morning after Miss Francesca's engagement to Captain Robinson.
It's time to get up, ma'am.
Today the men are hunting rabbits.
Missed it! The hawks are soon abandoned in favor of a liquid breakfast.
But Captain Robinson's sobering up.
Marriage of convenience, I think, was happening, but I don't know who it was convenient for I don't think I'm getting anything out of it, am I? No.
I think the point's been made here: If you're flirting with the other ladies, it's not going to look right and you'll have the wrath of Mrs.
Rogers because you're now engaged to be married, that's all.
A Regency engagement was legally binding.
If broken, the injured party could sue.
But it did allow men and woman to touch.
You can touch some skin, can you? I can go like this.
The ladies are enjoying a breakfast ball, the Regency equivalent of a pajama party.
For Miss Francesca, the gravity of her new situation is beginning to hit home.
"Oh, you know, let's get married, let's get married.
" And I was, like, "Okay.
" And and then he asked me to get married, and and then it did actually just spiral out of control And I woke up this morning with a ring on my finger, going, "That was a big night.
" So In first position.
It was very difficult last night when the engagement was announced for me.
if Captain Robinson for any reason broke off the engagement, he would be a ruined man, because that was just a complete no-no.
The ladies are going on a picnic.
And Captain Glover intensifies his training regime.
The size of his fortune won't impress the ladies, so he's banking on his sporting prowess.
Whew! Too many cigars and port.
A purging sweat was the key to success for gentlemen and racehorses alike, brought on by a brew of hot cider, coriander and caraway.
the warming effects of the potion begin to take effect.
It tastes worse than it sounds.
To increase the effects of this sweating draft, Captain Glover dons extra layers of clothing and is tucked up in bed.
It's hotter than a beach in Ibiza.
Now to just lie here and try and go to sleep.
While Captain Glover sweats it out, the hostess sends Miss Francesca to take some food to the hermit.
Would you like some help, ma'am? There's actually been rumors about the hermit, that possibly the hermit might be an attractive man, so they're a bit jealous.
I'm very loyal to Captain Robinson.
I'm sure that it won't affect our engagement.
Obviously he's got more to offer than, you know I might have to consider things a bit.
Oh, hello, nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Um, we've brought you some fresh eggs and things.
So I hope you've actually got some way of using them.
Don't know whether you can cook them up.
I've got a fully operational kitchen over there.
Oh, wow! Okay.
Yeah, well, why? That's what I want to know maybe.
I think everyone's a bit curious about why you've chosen a hermit life.
Um well, it's more it chose me, really.
Yeah, it's sort of maybe my destiny.
But it's you know, it's been nice to see a lady.
I saw the master yesterday and Apart from that, it's been extremely quiet.
Well, I'm sure if I report back, you might see a few more ladies curiously walking here.
That's not a problem.
I'm always always open to to visitors.
Hello, ladies.
I can't believe you just so blatantly Is he as pretty as we've been told? He is quite an attractive man.
Very rugged-looking as you can imagine.
Manly sitting on his veranda.
He sounds amazing.
because he does it sort of every sort of summer and Probably he's gay.
Or married.
He can't be married he's a hermit.
After her visit to the hermit, Miss Francesca takes a decision that would have ruined her in Regency eyes.
She breaks off her engagement to Captain Robinson.
We've come in here tonight to um, explain the reasons why our engagement might perhaps not work.
Um, behind me sits a man, a man gone crazy.
Um and basically I think that he's accepting diminished responsibility? I think that, yeah.
I think definitely.
Diminished responsibility, plus a small amount of alcohol, uh, which did lead us to a crazy night of Las Vegas fun, uh, which we have to now take back.
And we we have to go and have a chat with Mrs.
Rogers We do; we have to go and speak to Mrs.
Rogers.
To make this official.
To break off the engagement.
And you give your blessing for me to marry a much richer and much A much what? The hermit.
You see, he's not much richer; he's much better looking.
Yeah.
You can't have two.
Come here, little fishy.
Come here, little fishy.
Come to Daddy.
That's good.
Plant your feet firmly.
The gentlemen have been training all week for their athletics contest.
Today they will compete in a series of challenging pedestrian events, and as usual Captain Glover is putting in the extra effort.
Regency trainers believed that too much sleep was bad for an athlete's performance.
Captain Glover has woken early to spend his last few hours of rest in a hammock, the body could relax and exercise simultaneously.
I'm delighted with my fitness regime, Mr.
Dean.
Um, an hour of this a day? Is that it? Right, let's do it, then.
For the day's sport, the gentlemen have split into two teams.
Mr.
Everett will partner Captain Glover.
Okay, boys, this is exactly what I needed.
Their opponents, Mr.
Gorell Barnes and Mr.
Foxsmith, to establish what's acceptable for a gentleman when it comes to dirty tricks.
That would be to your liking? Um, but we need to, I think, conclude the details of it.
What about if I just give him a kicking? I reckon I could take him.
Or you can simply make it very simple.
When it comes to dirty tricks, Captain Glover is already one step ahead.
He feels that he can do it, but we have an idea there's something else in there that he hasn't hopefully, won't have contemplated.
So we need we need to give him false hope, if you like.
The trick is to try and work out where they might be coming from, and think even smarter.
I think you get whatever advantage you can Whether it's honorable or not, I'm not so sure.
I don't think it was written in the rules anywhere that you couldn't listen to what other people were discussing, so I don't think I've broken any rule.
Others are breaking the rules.
Mr.
Ball, the house steward, alerts Mrs.
Rogers.
We haven't been able to find Miss Francesca, um, for most of the morning, and Has she gone up to see the hermit again? We believe she did say to the son of staff that she was going to spend some time by the river.
I don't know whether we ought to send someone out to try and find her, or what we really need to do on that one.
I mean, she's probably just forgotten.
She's very young.
But it still isn't being a Regency lady's companion.
I think it's very irresponsible and, you know, unthinking.
It is a way of escaping any duties she might have, which really isn't quite the idea.
The athletics contest is about to begin.
May the most honorable gentleman win.
Absolutely.
I just think it's brilliant that they're all strutting around pretending that they're not particularly taking it very seriously, and they're all desperately trying to win.
It's classic alpha-male stuff you know, take off the jacket, strut around in the rain with your white shirt on, and it's classic.
Mr.
Gorell Barnes is preparing his teammate, Mr.
Foxsmith, for the first event of the day a traditional Regency sack race.
Captain Glover is psyching up his teammate, Mr.
Everett.
Captain Robinson is struggling to conceal his indifference.
Gentlemen, crossing and jostling is permitted.
Ladies could wager small stakes on their favorite gentleman.
I'm betting on Foxsmith to win.
I'm doing, um, Everett again.
Mr.
Everett has got to win something.
I feel he's going to be very talented inside a sack.
God, did I say that?! You think that Mr.
Everett would be good in the in the sack? I think Mr.
Foxsmith will be very feisty in the sack.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Gentlemen, are you ready? Time! Lady Devonport, I'm afraid your steed is tiring.
Look fresh, look fresh, okay? Bye-bye, Foxsmith, bye-bye! Come on, the gods! And we have a victor.
You should have bet more money.
The first round goes to Captain Glover and Mr.
Everett.
Captain Robinson has made a decision.
It started off with homesickness.
I just was getting really, really blue, and then so I set the wheels in motion and told myself that's that's the answer.
And the group of men I was hanging around didn't like It's just simple, little things, but didn't like football as much as I did, so I couldn't talk to them about it, you know, and For gentlemen, it's it's, like, you can pretty much do what you want all day and everyone probably would like to do that unlimited money and just do what you want.
And yet it's not actually that much fun, which is quite weird, you know.
even if it's just watch TV, which is ironic, isn't it? As Captain Robinson prepares to move on, so does his former fiancée.
? Poor unfortunate hermit.
? ? It's so hard being a hermit.
? Why why don't you write a musical called The Hermit? Because it wouldn't sell.
I mean, it doesn't have to be based on me as a hermit, but just I think I think hermits Okay, call it The Lady's Companion.
Sadly, they don't have a future.
No, but they've got a past.
Ooh! Ooh! The sporting events continue with fiendish races, ranging from walking backwards every fourth step to a grueling relay known as the hundred stones.
Think of that third eye.
Firm pace, good.
We like it.
That's nice, that's nice.
Swooning over his lovely wet shirt.
Not that we're looking at it at all.
As the ladies look on in admiration, some of them are beginning to reveal their romantic preferences.
about people wearing other people's colors.
And, uh, Miss Braund's wearing all blue with little blue beads.
He's wearing a blue sash.
Massage, please, Miss Braund.
Miss Braund has high hopes for Captain Glover, whose color she's been sporting.
I was not wearing a blue necklace for any particular reason.
Um, I was wearing it purely because I have so little jewelry One of my nicer things is a blue-beaded necklace and I've got a blue dress on.
That was purely it.
Come in.
Mrs.
Rogers.
I'm here.
Um, where have you have been all day? Um, I went to the river today.
Um, did you tell anybody? Um, I did.
I told the other girls.
Well, I don't think you did, because I've asked several people.
No one knew where you were at all.
I really thought everyone knew Well, you didn't leave me a message.
Did you actually ask anyone No, I'm sorry I didn't, Mrs.
Rogers.
It's not acceptable behavior, um, to just not think about anybody else.
It really isn't, you know, the way to behave at all.
Sorry.
I'm not used to it.
No one ever cares in my real life, so I never normally, you know just don't think about it.
Gentlemen! Quarter past five! With the scores equal, ultimate victory hangs on one final endurance event.
The pedestrians must complete a quarter mile every 15 minutes for five consecutive hours.
After all his preparation, will this be Captain Glover's finest hour? he receives a challenge from the most unlikely quarter.
who's made clear his contempt for pedestrianism, steps in for the host in a bid for final glory.
Just give me a bit of shade there, After five long hours it's time for the final quarter-mile leg, and this one is a sprint.
Gentlemen.
Quarter to seven.
Time! I'll back anything that Captain Robinson is in.
I was watching him from my bedroom window.
He's a natural athlete.
Like a good show pony, he is.
Captain Glover is limping.
Is he limping again? Well, if he was a horse, I'd probably have him put down.
He's doing well.
Despite, or perhaps because, of all his training, he's pulled his calf muscle.
Come on, Captain Glover.
You can do it.
You keep going, keep going.
Come on, Captain! Come on, Captain Glover! Come on, Captain Glover, you can do it.
Just finish.
A round of applause, Glover.
because I think he's been taken to training and stuff and, you know, he wanted to put in a good show and I just think that's such a shame.
More disappointing than frustrating.
I mean, it's the taking apart that counts, and I've taken myself apart.
I did miss the end.
He's done so much training and stuff and he's limping really badly.
I just think it's a bit of a shame, because it's been a really, lovely day.
And end it on a sad note either.
Yeah, but tomorrow is another day.
Oh, classic line there.
We lost.
Very much so, very much so.
Later that night Miss Braund, with the help of Miss Hopkins, and ventures into the men's quarters.
Just no, leave it on the bed.
There she rewards Captain Glover with a token of her affection.
I reached a peak today, and go out on a high, that's what I say.
I dedicate my sports victory to the footmen the working class.
Next time, stir up the gothic, mix in the erotic Stop sneaking a peek! Add a dash of decadence To Lord Byron.
A dose of innocence I don't know who's left me a daisy chain on my bed.
And simmer.
She just kept grabbing me and grabbing me.
She was behaving like a child.
It's a recipe for romance.
I've just been given another note.
Next time at the Regency House Party.
Jane Austen, it ain't.
This program was made possible by contributions to your PBS station from: When ten single men and women go back 200 years in time to look for romance, what can you expect? Bottoms up.
Stop sneaking a peek! We've been good little girls.
We've gone to bed at 11:00.
We've not been drinking the alcohol.
It's time for us to have some fun.
Decadence To Lord Byron! And a few fireworks.
They were really laying into each other.
I reacted by smacking her.
It's "Mad, Bad" Ladies "And Dangerous Liaisons.
" I'd like feel that the chances of you and me having sex are 99.
9%.
Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
This time, at the Regency House Party.
are unbelievable, aren't they? WNET Thirteen New York This program was made possible by contributions to your PBS station from: I woke up at 5:00 and it was fantastically beautiful out there.
And my natural thing would be to get up and put some clothes on and just go out of doors and be out of doors.
And I was really desperate to do that.
Chaperone and real-life aristocrat Elizabeth Lady Devonport is writing a poem reflecting on her life as a Regency woman.
"Poor caged lady, stroll and stride "To soothe the clever mind that you must hide "Poor caged lady, stroll and wince In your clothes that bind and your shoes that pinch.
" I couldn't go downstairs in anything other than my proper clothes because that would be against all the rules.
And I cannot get into my own clothes.
"Poor caged lady, stroll and play Waste away another day.
" And I felt for the women who from that time just well, they didn't know any different, but just how awful to be made to be so incompetent.
For the younger women, like Countess Griaznov, life is even more constrained.
Every morning she has to report to her chaperone, Mrs.
Rogers.
Good morning, how are you? I'm very well.
I don't enjoy being chaperoned, and last night we were sitting in the drawing room and, uh, I had my legs crossed and she was, like, "Legs crossed, uncross.
" And I did nearly kind of go, "Much though I love you, Mrs.
Rogers, Girls lower down the pecking order, like Miss Lisa Braund, are yet more vulnerable to criticism.
To have somebody constantly watching you, watching how you're behaving to everybody else and correcting you on posture, the way you talk, how you use your hands I'm really sorry but I can't wear that corset today.
I'm going to go downstairs and Well, I'm afraid you can't, because you can't go down without me.
But I was going to get some food and get you a plate of food.
No, but you can't go down without me.
So I'm going to be stuck in here all day.
If she doesn't leave the room, I have to stay, too.
I could almost feel bad about this, but I have to look at the problems I've got.
I'm not happy about being up here all day.
You know, what will I do? But not leave the room? Surely I can leave, go downstairs into the library and go get a book or Things are looking up right round here, aren't they? Lady Devonport is a more lenient chaperone.
She's being paid to get her wealthy charge, Miss Victoria Hopkins, hitched to a man of superior class.
Lady Devonport is, um, a great woman and I think in here she's establishing a relationship of her own and maybe that has kind of distracted her attention away from me.
Miss Hopkins' chaperone is discovering something that was common knowledge among older ladies of the aristocracy: the attractions of a younger man.
No, but wouldn't you say I'm like Bond? No, I think you're more Byronic.
Byron was notorious for his affairs with older women.
His lovers included Lady Oxford, Lady Melbourne and Lady Frances Webber.
For some weeks now, Lady Devonport and Mr.
Foxsmith have been spending more and more time together.
She's such a special person.
She's such an incredible person.
She's such a beautiful person.
I find young people much more open-hearted and much more sort of generally more kind of elevating to be around, more kind of alive-making really.
I'm sort of like a sort of vampire, kind of sucking their youth off of them a bit, give me a bit more to keep me going a bit longer.
I don't really know what to do about the relationship between Lady Devon They are so indiscreet.
It is so obvious that really the two of them are only interested in each other.
Which does mean that Mr.
Foxsmith has basically put himself out of the running for the girls.
Hostess Mrs.
Rogers is concerned that Lady Devonport is ruining Mr.
Foxsmith's chances with the younger women.
I generally find you attractive; you're vibrant, you're funny, I can close my eyes and talk to you and, um those things are the things I don't know, but lots of Regency men had older lovers, And what could young men do? They couldn't go near the younger women.
If the young men weren't allowed near the young women, there was always manly exercise to take the mind off romance.
Skill at arms was still prized in the ongoing war against France where the cavalry remained an important fighting force.
Go, go, go Brilliant! God, he's good at that.
I got François, I got Pierre and I've got Jean-Paul.
Go, go, go.
Could we spread around the girls as much as possible? They've all been watching in the bushes.
Have they? I want to make as much deal about it as possible.
I want you to go on and on about it.
Definitely don't feel that I've got to know most of the men that well.
We don't see them during the day because they're off galloping and stuff.
And it's quite odd that the idea was to try and get men and women together, but you don't see them at all.
It's just bizarre.
your chaperone's trying to keep you apart anyway, so how they ever got married is a mystery really.
Stunts like these gave a man the chance to cut a dash and show off his gentlemanly prowess.
Whoa, whoa, whoa Whoa.
Where am I going? Despite all the barriers, interest between the sexes is about to ignite.
Nice effort! Jolly good effort.
I'm quite interested in a young lady in the house And she's she's an extremely attractive woman, I mean, she's a strong woman.
In Regency terms, Miss Hopkins' wealth would be the perfect complement to Mr.
Everett's old family connections, but he's letting his affections stray to one of the less eligible women of the party.
Been told that there's another girl who quite likes me.
And also who I really like, too.
She's she's a smashing woman, um, Miss Braund.
She's wonderful, you know, talented, very, you know, she's lovely.
So I'm sort of, you know, in a bit of a bit of a sort of a, you know, what-should-I-do kind of thing, bit of a bit of a fork in the road.
To give his younger guests a chance to get to know each other better, master of the house, Mr.
Gorell Barnes, has proposed a walk.
Protocol allows that if a walk is of sufficient distance, the young ladies may be unchaperoned.
Four girls and three boys.
HAMMOND Four girls and three boys? Hmm, that's quite interesting, isn't it? Still, that's built in chaperonage, isn't it? Delighted to see the back of them, I didn't have to worry where anybody was and I could have an afternoon with my girlfriends.
Well, I feel massively relieved: They're off my hands, they're not my responsibility.
It was the host's idea.
If anything goes wrong, he can sort it out and get the guilty parties married.
Mrs.
Enright's charge, 25-year-old Miss Conick, is the youngest girl of the party.
I'm finding the chaperoning fine because Mrs.
Enright and I get on very, very well.
I never thought we would, we're from such different worlds, I just didn't think we'd click.
I think we've got a mutual respect, which means that I know how far I can take things, and she knows how far I will take things.
Well, they're not letting us run wild, are they? None of us are, though, none of us would be.
It's a bit disappointing.
Come in.
Oh, that kind of a drink, how wonderful.
If I was on this walk this afternoon, I would spend the whole walk fainting and dropping my hankie in front of Mr.
Gorell Barnes, quite a That's what I would be doing, repeatedly.
Mr.
Foxsmith is actually a better looking man than Mr.
Gorell Barnes Not in my book.
formally speaking, bone for bone, oh, yes.
Exactly, if I was doing breeding, Yes, and he's got a bigger, better torso.
That's better breeding stock, isn't it, Lady Devonport? You're shocking me, dear.
The walking party return.
No reputation has been damaged.
Then again, no relationships have been formed.
The chaperones have kept their girls in order, but they have yet to play their part in getting the men and women together.
I think a lot of the young ladies are trying really hard, but they're not getting any direction from the chaperones.
If I was a chaperone, I tell you what.
I'd be doing a hell of a lot more to try and get my charge so because I've got only got six weeks left and if I don't get her married, then when I get back, I've failed.
Mr.
Gorell Barnes takes the chaperones to task.
difficult thing to do, but I think we need to think about being slightly more creative as to where they may meet the men, and the men meet the ladies.
And I think that the whole emphasis of trying to get your charge married needs to be thought about.
But I know exactly what you're saying, but we're dealing with, you know, 28-year-old, 29-year-old smart-asses.
I know it's very, very difficult because of people might not like each other, but they need to try and To try and get I think that you might find that the young ladies are less compliant than we are.
I'm happy to have the same conversation with them if you think that's a good idea.
Women are unbelievable, aren't they? It's just God.
I'm sure that Victoria would say I've been a really useless chaperone, I've never been there for her, blah-di-blah.
But if I had been more in her face, I think she would have had me for lunch.
You know, there was no way that I could have been more in her face than I was, and it would have been tolerated.
A further frustration to any possibility of romance: while the men are allowed to stay up and party, at 11:00 the women are escorted to bed.
It's a firm rule: once the chaperones have retired, no woman is allowed downstairs.
Have you done the other one? Stop sneaking a peek footman.
And I want the countess up here now, please.
I will go and try and find her.
I'm getting cross.
Okay, I'll try and find her.
It's nothing to do with you Hostess Mrs.
Rogers suspects Gorell Barnes might be taking advantage of his position I am meant to be the one in charge of morals in this house, not you, and I do not think it is appropriate for the countess to be in your room when everybody else is in bed.
In my room? Where else has she come from? I was standing in the porch Well, I mean, I think it's just not right.
I was standing in the porch and I asked Mr.
Gorell Barnes was anybody in the porch, because I wanted to go outside.
If I allow my charge to go off at night when all the other girls have gone to bed, it just looks really bad on you.
With frustrations between the sexes being felt in the Regency House, host Mr.
Gorell Barnes leads his guests to Sunday church.
Affluent Regency gentlemen were not, on the whole, a religious lot, but they were great respecters of duty, money and status.
So Mr.
Gorell Barnes rides at the head of the procession with Mr.
Everett, the second- richest man of the party.
The lower ranking men and women are left to walk behind.
For Regency women, churchgoing provided an opportunity to exhibit modesty, virtue and piety.
These attributes, coupled with virginity, were deemed a potent lure for any man.
Here you all are, and you've made a commitment to the project of the Regency House Party out of the desire to discover another way of looking at relationships and out of a hope which you may find someone In the 21st century, you meet somebody and you might, you know in bed with them in a few hours, whereas here it takes a lot a lot longer, so you're, yes, one's attitude to women has changed a lot.
Not for you the chance encounter which leads to an experiment in relationship.
I do feel quite stifled and smothered and constricted.
Definitely the more time I spend in here, the more I realize how important love and affection is in my life.
I can't describe the emotion You can't hug people, you can't you can't just go like this because it's these bloody stupid Regency bloody rules.
In Regency times, the repressed longings being felt by our house party found a macabre release.
The world of Gothic novels, with their ghosts, demons and vampires excited frustrated desires.
On his way to the house is a companion of these dark realms.
Anyone here interested in hearing a review of The Monk: "Lust, murder, incest, necrophilia "and every atrocity that can disgrace human nature "are brought together without the apology of probability or even possibility for their introduction.
" Oh, good.
Though scandalous, The Monk, by Matthew Lewis, was popular with the ladies.
"He caught her hand, forced her upon his knee "and gazing upon her with gloating eyes "he thus replied to her, ¡No, Antonia, never, never.
I swear it by this kiss and this, and this.
'" You know, monks disguise themselves, and raping and pillaging and all the rest of it.
It's, uh, certainly very black, very dark.
And Jane Austen it ain't.
I think that, um, young girls at the period enjoyed reading these scary Gothic novels because they so singularly lacked any physical excitement and the thrill of horror is something, well, physical.
I mean, they were just like books on the top shelf that your parents tell you not to read, they're for grown-ups you know, excellent manuals on how to do sex.
The mystery visitor arrives.
Kim Newman is a Gothic author and horror film writer.
While he would have been a great celebrity in the Regency, having him to the house would have been considered very risqué.
And of course since the Goths were the barbarians who overthrew the Roman Empire, yeah, signing yourself up with them or, you know, the vandals or whatever, was was, I don't know, like adopting punk rock, you know.
It was like whatever your parents were going to hate, Gorell Barnes is hoping to use Kim Newman's knowledge of Regency Gothic to stir things up among his younger guests.
To bring further excitement to Gothic night, Mr.
Gorell Barnes has hired a traveling light show.
Phantasmagoria was the Regency equivalent of horror cinema.
That is cool.
Gorell Barnes has decreed that everyone should dress up for his Gothic banquet.
Fancy dress or masks allowed young people to do what was not normally allowed.
I think we go next door.
Mr.
Gorell Barnes takes full advantage of his disguise to get up close to the countess.
On the menu, milk-fed sucking pig in a pickled prune sauce and a Gothic jelly of dark fruits.
That stake should be in his eye.
The approved method of killing vampires at this time was with a nail through the eye.
Was it? That's why I'm still alive.
The stake the stake was a bit déclassé.
It was only sort of Transylvanian peasants got that.
Were there any vampires around at the Regency? There was a short story called "The Vampire" by a strange man called Dr.
Polidori.
And that's the first proper vampire story in English.
are basically imitations and rip-offs of it.
Dr.
Polidori's vampire was, in fact, a poorly disguised portrait of Regency bad boy Lord Byron.
And it's where we get our notion of the romantic vision the thin, sallow-cheeked, attractive aristocratic person, as opposed to the, you know, the smelly cannibalistic peasant which was the previous folkloric version of the myth.
Oh, and of course women as well were, you know, seen as vampiric or blood draining.
Ladies and gentlemen, walk right this way for Cupid's Magick Lantern show.
Argh, what a horrible sight! The British aristocracy en masse look at them.
Let's have a closer look at you.
To the women, now accustomed to the polite restraint the phantasmagoria is something of a shock to the system.
For full surround effects, water, imitating blood, is splashed from behind.
Well, I see my time on this earth is nearly over.
I say goodbye and return to subterranea.
Events like this provide a rare opportunity for the women to let themselves go in the company of the men.
Be ready for me, as I'm a-coming.
In this world of constrained feelings, music plays an essential role.
The haunting strains of the glass armonica had been popular since the 18th century.
We've all been starved of music.
We really have music on in modern life almost constantly, and I'm just wondering has that added to the fact that everyone's very stressed? Playing music together was the approved channel by which men and women could hint at their feelings for one another.
In the Regency, a written declaration of feelings was tantamount to an offer of marriage.
Mr.
Everett has made his move.
He's waiting to see how Miss Hopkins will respond.
Thank you very much.
that the chances of you and me having sex are pretty much 99.
9%.
It's on my list of things to do.
I thought you'd never ask.
Oop.
With romance at last in their sights, in another fashionable Gothic pastime: women's archery.
Miss Victoria Hopkins has secretly scored a bull's-eye.
Last night she received a love token from Mr.
Everett.
I do really, really like him.
I think he's an absolutely fantastic guy.
He's genuine, he's warm, he's funny, he's talented.
Miss Hopkins, she is a cracking girl.
She's great, you know.
She's a gorgeous girl.
Afternoon, Miss Braund.
Good afternoon.
Oh, you're in my spot.
Your spot? I sit here I think it's my spot, too.
Yeah, it's been very pleasant, thank you.
Yeah, I've hit two of the targets, so I'm very happy.
Excellent have a nice rest of the afternoon.
And you have a lovely afternoon.
Miss Braund is less of a catch than Miss Hopkins, but she does have one advantage: her chaperone is now devoted to the cause of securing Mr.
Everett for her.
We're going to do a wonderful one called "And How We Cope With Being Bored.
" Amateur dramatics allowed for young people to get closer together, so Mrs.
Hammond is staging a Gothic play.
She's asked Mr.
Everett to be the producer.
I've got the giggles now.
She's got a beautiful singing voice so I've made sure that people hear her voice.
And when we were rehearsing, Mr.
Gorell Barnes came out and, "Oh, who was that singing?" "It's my girl, it's Lisa, she was singing.
" "Ooh," you know, "it's a marvelous voice.
" So, we'll get her noticed.
There's too many people.
In the library they'll all hear it.
I think Mrs.
Hammond takes her role as a chaperone very seriously and is anxious to do the absolute best she can for Miss Braund.
And Miss Braund will have an opportunity to show off her grace, charm and talent in the forthcoming show.
I think the positions are going to be this, that, and there Okay, that's what we said, yeah.
So she's in the middle.
Yes, just and not many of the others are singing.
Um, so she is.
In fact, there's only Mr.
Everett who will be singing, I think.
Yes, only Mr.
Everett will sing.
Mr.
Everett and Miss Lisa Braund start work on the scenery.
As the second-richest man in the house, Mr.
Everett would be a good catch for Mrs Hammond's impoverished charge.
the color that I have chosen for the dress that I will never get.
You're doing a song, aren't you? I'm doing a song about a dress Mrs.
Hammond seems to have cut the other songs and perhaps only you are singing.
Oh, no, I'm really Perhaps Lisa's meant to be showing off her talents and Mrs.
Hammond's picking off, one by one, Even if the countess had designs on Mr.
Everett, Mrs.
Hammond has made sure the play won't offer her any advantages.
But she said, "What do you want to do, Countess, so I was just like, "Well, Countess Dracula perhaps.
" And she went, "Okay" and that's it.
So I spend the whole time in a coffin on stage like this.
Can't touch a man but I can bite his neck.
Mr.
Everett, I think he's very, very funny.
I think what you see is what you get.
I think he's very up front.
Interesting bloke.
Really quite fascinating.
Come on, Miss Hopkins.
Give it some Wellie.
With two women on the go, Mr.
Everett could soon be faced with a choice.
Oh, please, Mr Everett.
Or has the choice been made for him? I got on really, really well with Mr.
Everett when I first came in the house ooh, you know, this is going to go somewhere.
But I was walking round the garden and thought, I don't think he's suited to me, he's more suited to Lisa.
and they are now spending quite a bit of time together And I really hope something does develop.
Because they're actually very, very well suited.
Oh, God, I'm in a sweat now.
Kind of turning into a bit of an Emma character in here, because, you know, I am so bored, I need something to fill my time.
So I'm, uh, deciding to match-make, I think.
Mr.
Everett has asked me, as his valet, to deliver this rather nice looking daisy chain and put it on Miss Braund's bed.
If we were to put, like, a heart shape, and then it can show But Mr.
Everett didn't actually ask for it to be a heart.
I don't want it to be too suggestive.
Yeah, you're right.
Or do you think on the pillow? Oh, that would be a good idea.
We could do a nice pattern.
We can do a swirl.
Yeah.
We can do it like this.
I think she'll be very happy.
Excellent.
I think that looks nice.
I want to make sure it looks really nice because he spent so long doing it.
because Mr.
Everett actually asked me yesterday whether to put some flowers on Victoria's bed and now he seems to have changed his mind.
In the real life I send text messages all the time, and I'll get them all the time, and it's just it's become the norm.
And here they of course didn't have mobile phones, so text this is the text messaging of the time.
You send little notes via the footmen or the maids, But didn't Victoria say something to you about She did, she Victoria Miss Hopkins did ask me to Because I, because I sort of My eyes were so focused on Miss Hopkins that And in fact she was right, because now I've now I'm able to look at all the other girls as well, you know.
I don't know who's left me a daisy chain on my bed.
Isn't that cute? This place is getting out of hand.
And if any of the ladies here are upset because a man has made advances and then dumps her, you know, it's going to be pretty hellish for that guy to hang around here.
And, in fact, possibly untenable; he might have to leave.
Hmm, never thought of that.
So we're aware that we're behaving within a within a smaller, tightly knit sort of community you've got to be respectful in terms of how you treat the ladies, and not lead them on if it's not intentional.
Two people for whom the Regency House is becoming an increasingly small place are Lady Devonport and Mr.
Foxsmith.
My extremely lovely charge charged across the lawn and told me that people are saying that Mr.
Foxsmith and I were caught fornicating upon the lawn last night and indeed bathing together in the stream on another occasion.
Well, I don't want to be sort of talking behind her back and I know there were outrageous people in the 19th century, but while she was in charge of somebody else's daughter particularly on a fee-paying basis the way I understand it, she would have bent over backwards to make sure that nothing was known.
I don't want you to think, "I got stuck in too quickly with the old hag" when there's all these gorgeous things.
After all the rumors, Lady Devonport has decided the time has come to let Mr.
Foxsmith go.
She'd like him to find a younger partner.
I can't bear to cramp your style when you're only going to be here Yeah, all of those girls are good-looking.
And they're intelligent.
And they're here to have fun.
I want to start a family now, and the person that I have kids with is the person that I'd like to stay with for the rest of my life.
I hope you do.
Yeah, um, in an ideal world.
Work on Mrs.
Hammond's Gothic play is at last bringing the younger ladies and gentlemen together.
This is so satisfying.
Lady D.
has done the horse.
It's so nice when you start crossing That, that is all done.
Just seeing it all appear and everybody working on it, it's just the most phenomenal feeling.
I've never had it before; it's just wonderful.
Lady Devonport and Mr.
Foxsmith are keeping a respectful distance.
She's doing her duty as a chaperone and promoting him to the younger women.
I have said to all the other chaperones, you know, that that it might look like this is a closed shop, but it just is not.
The costumes have arrived.
Aah! Romantic rivals Miss Victoria Hopkins and Miss Lisa Braund have been out gathering props.
I want to talk to you about the little love triangle that seems to be going on.
I have had the best of intentions for Mr.
Everett and Lisa and have tried honorably to get them together with no ulterior motive at all.
I just genuinely believed that they were a really suited couple.
Obviously Lisa's kind of letting her barriers down, has really, you know, begun to like him.
And I found out last night that he still likes me and that's put me in a really, really awkward position because I just don't know what to do really.
I mean, I do think he's a great guy, I mean, I I don't know if there would be any potential future there or not.
I don't I got a daisy chain on my bed but I don't know who that's from.
Lisa was left a daisy and buttercup chain in a spiral on her pillow.
We don't know who that's from.
I thought maybe one of the maids is messing around, I don't think they would, because The maids wouldn't do that, no.
But I was thinking maybe one of you girls just No, not at all.
I've been too tired today.
It took me an hour to write a letter.
So, um, I don't know.
Don't know.
Quite confused on that one.
Hmm, I think it's Mr.
Everett.
What Miss Hopkins knows and Miss Braund doesn't is that Mr.
Everett has been sending love tokens "soon outweighed every other terror.
'I value not my life, ' said the stranger.
" Suddenly one of the girls will say something like, "Oh, yes, he was asking after you earlier" or something.
And I just feel excited and I feel very girlie and it just makes the day go so quickly.
Looks like a sun to me.
You get a smile, it's all very pathetic and it's all very sweet and it's all very It just, it just makes me feel girlie and you know, fun.
It just seems really and exciting and Happy.
The countess.
Mrs.
Hammond's plans to hitch Miss Braund to Mr.
Everett appear to be working.
In plays, it was permitted to touch.
This, after all, is art.
You've got to help her up.
You've got to put her into a chair.
Come on, dear.
We'll try that catch again.
Okay.
You can slow it Final rehearsals.
Mrs.
Hammond's strategy is meticulous.
We're doing a play and we need you to be, um, my, uh, wife, if you like.
Is that okay? That's very okay, sir.
Very okay.
Like a stiff drink before the rehearsal? No, no, no.
If Miss Braund can't have the richest man in the house, no other woman can.
Mrs.
Hammond's scripted Gorell Barnes to marry the night watchman.
I'm a bit nervous, I get stage fright.
I don't like performing in front of people, so I'm a bit nervous.
Glass of wine to calm my nerves, I'll be fine.
With the approach of curtain up, tension is mounting.
Miss Braund, Miss Braund.
Re nomine fatus rectum rectus requiem.
Re nomine fatus rectum rectus requiem.
Mrs.
Hammond, like Jane Austen before her, has a satirical take on the Gothic.
My name is Mrs.
Hammond.
Welcome to my house of horrors.
We are here to chill your blood, wobble your spine and make you tremble.
Today, everybody, I'd like to talk to you about an underrated neighbor of ours.
It's bats.
You can tell they're mammals because they don't have beaks and they do have firm breasts as well.
for at least one and a half hours every night.
I'm the Oracle of Kentchurch.
It's a very dull position.
My friends get hearts and flowers, I get floppy hair because I sit in rain for hours.
And then I I Give me a prompt! He's my nearest neighbor and he's my best mate, and I'm a bloody great admirer of his big estate.
You may now kiss the bride.
Oh, dear.
Miss Braund really likes me.
I really like Miss Braund, too.
But I like Miss Hopkins.
I am a northern shepherdess who gets so little sleep.
Mine is not an ovine quest, This woman is very powerful and you know, it's kind of scary, and that's kind of a turn-on.
You know what I mean? I have become demure and charming, The change in me is quite alarming.
So here I am, a happy maid, my thoughts are now of trickery.
To read Lord Byron's wondrous sonnets and to search for silk to trim my bonnets.
Lisa's big moment has come.
? I've wept for years these tears, these tears ? ? Will ere I find a fellow ? ? Who will buy for me lovely finery ? ? A dress of golden yellow.
? Lisa is over 30.
She would have been considered on the shelf by the time she was 27.
Making a good impression in situations like these could mean the difference between having a life or being condemned to the misery of Regency spinsterhood.
? iris grows ? She's still hoping to win Mr.
Everett with her voice.
? I'd give my beauty mellow ? ? My bell and bow ? ? And my heart and soul ? ? For my dress of golden yellow.
? Thank you.
Lisa is longing to know if it was Everett who left the daisies on her pillow.
Okay, what was the question? I've completely forgotten what it was.
Oh, come on, boring, boring.
It had to do with daisies.
I'm never going to talk to you ever again unless you ask me the question.
Never again.
I'm in a bit of trouble, really, because, um, I fancy Miss Hopkins because she's a very attractive girl; so is Miss Braund a very attractive girl.
But it just happens that in the first few days me and Miss Hopkins sort of found a connection and, uh, and it's really difficult talking to the guys because I probably shouldn't be saying this but, well, what the hell, I'm a bit pissed.
But you know, blatantly, me and Miss Hopkins have had a bit of a bit of a snog on a couple of occasions.
Another love letter puts an end to all Lisa's hopes.
I've just been given another note.
There seems to be a bit of an exchange of notes between Hopkins and Everett this evening.
There's one from Hopkins just here and it's, uh, it's quite interesting.
It says, um, it says, "Mr.
E.
, thank you for your note.
"I would like to say the feeling is mutual "and it's very hard that my loyalties are so divided.
"If I was allowed one wish in 2003, it would be "that I would fall asleep with arms wrapped around me "in the presence of someone who is as genuine as yourself.
"May you have sweet dreams.
Love, Miss V.
" The gentleman always has his lady on his right hand.
So will you gather your ladies, please? The men are taking lessons for the forthcoming grand summer ball.
Why do I always get the ugly one? More than just a social occasion, the ball is a hunting ground for a wife, and the gentlemen must perform.
Come on, darling.
Three, two, three four, two, three five Dance allows a rare opportunity to touch, even hold a woman, so balls were eagerly awaited by everyone.
Mr.
Foxsmith, is there is there, um have you found something unusual? Yes.
It's the whole experience, I'm afraid.
Are these the, um, designs that we've been waiting for, the book? Yes, ma'am.
While the gentlemen perfect their polonaise, designs for the latest ball gowns are delivered to Mrs.
Rogers, the hostess.
I do like that gesture, though, of that lady.
There's a lady here standing very Do look.
For the chaperones, the ball is the opportunity to show off their young charges to the most eligible men.
That kind of a headdress So that's what you want? Do you think I should get my hair, um because it's kind of curled, but it's curled around there.
All around here's sort of curled.
The rich girls will have new gowns, but the lowest-ranking, Miss Francesca, will have to restyle an old dress.
Miss Francesca, do you hear that? You could order trimmings as long as it was within your means, because the invoice is being sent, but you would have to do the trimming yourself.
Yeah, I think the countess and I are going to order new dresses.
As light as iron.
This is quite hard work.
Living in this age of excess, our young bloods, like their Regency forebears, work hard to get in shape for the ball.
Oh, God! Well, I think they're throwing sticks and, like, carrying sticks.
In an image-conscious age, their idols weren't footballers, but the taut, muscular bodies of classical statues.
Oh, look, Mr.
Everett He's going to snap! This is madness.
While the gentlemen work up a sweat, the ladies have needlework.
Supervised by the hostess, Mrs.
Rogers, the young women must now spend four hours refining their feminine accomplishments.
Do go first.
Miss Braund is frustrated.
I wanted to watch what they were up to.
I feel like we've been told to come and sew now, and I find that quite difficult.
It's the being told thing that I suddenly went, "Hmm, okay.
" Not used to being told.
There's no question of joining the men.
Until dinner, they are trapped in each other's company.
I do find it quite difficult.
It's just getting used to the idea of getting used to other people.
And maybe it was like that in a Regency house party, because you can't escape anyone, and that's the feeling you do get, is this closeted society.
Regency men could work off their frustrations with vigorous sports, while women were forced to remain idle.
Doctors feared any strenuous activity would damage the womb.
The gentlemen's personal trainer, Mr.
Dean, is putting them through a fitness regime that includes a popular obsession of the age purging.
Today, we're going to give you an emetic which will make you sick, thus aiding your fitness.
Well, we haven't been drinking or eating bad impurities, honestly.
That I don't believe for a minute, Captain.
It will feel similar to about a hundred sit-ups afterwards.
Will it? Indeed, on your stomach.
That's good for your stomach? So we could end up with a six-pack? You could indeed, yeah, a Regency six-pack.
Everett, could you prepare a toast, please? To Mr.
Dean, our good friend and trainer.
Cheers.
Cheers.
Yeah, whoosh, over the shoulder.
How many times do we do this? What are you trying to do, make us sick or something? Even an emetic would come as welcome relief from the regime endured by the women.
And it's not only the young charges that find it suffocating.
This is like being in a prison; it is a gilded cage, it is.
I feel like I'm in hospital the whole time.
Do you? It's a very bizarre feeling.
I cannot stand the restraints and the restrictions, and if I can't stand them, how the hell am I going to persuade a 29-year-old girl to stand them? I love this experience Do you? Apart from my charge that's the irony.
What I don't love is the complete ignorance and inability for my charge to appreciate anything I try to do for her so I'm actually not going to try and do any more for her.
Three weeks of appeasement.
The most she does is get into a Regency frock that's it.
That's as Regency as she'll get.
I'm going to go downstairs and, uh, get some breakfast.
Well, I'm afraid you can't, because you can't go down without me.
I was going to get some food and then The problems with her charge, Miss Braund, started one day when Mrs.
Hammond could not leave her room.
So you're stuck here as well.
So I'm going to be stuck in here all day? If she doesn't leave, I have to stay, too? that I'd have to be restricted in this room as well.
That's completely Well, the hermit was in good spirits with Mrs.
Hammond's zealous efforts at matchmaking, most recently with master of the house, Mr.
Gorell Barnes.
I've seen her, and she doesn't listen to me, and I have to do what she says, and she just grabs on my arm, and we're off parading around.
And she's like, "Oh, my God, that's him.
" You know, "Stand up straight, look at him," you know.
"He might fancy you, and that would be great and" And everybody keeps saying to me, "Get on with her, just get on with her," and I am trying, but she doesn't listen to me.
She doesn't pay any attention to my feelings and how I'm feeling.
It's just push.
And one and two, vomit, one and two, vomit, one and Mr.
Everett is on the verge of a Regency cleansing.
One and two, bring it up! Aye, look alive.
Come along, guys, bring it up! Miss Braund confides in the countess how much she resents Mrs.
Hammond interfering in her life.
Oh, my God, I haven't told you, I hid in your room.
Did you? Me and Victoria were going down the corridor, and I heard her and I went, "Oh!" and I panicked.
And the nearest room was yours, and jumped inside, and me and Victoria You're welcome to hide in my room any time.
Mrs.
Hammond went by, and me and Victoria were in the room And we're both standing there going "Do you believe what we're doing? We've just hid from Mrs.
Hammond.
" Later that day, the conflict comes to a head.
"Go to bed, go to bed now, go to bed now.
" And Lisa and Lisa just went, "No, I'm not going to bed And Mrs.
Rogers just turned round and belted her.
What could I have possibly, possibly have done to provoke that? Tensions between Miss Braund and Mrs.
Hammond have erupted into a violent row.
It was like full-on screaming from the first floor and so we kind of rushed out to the chapel area and trying to hear what was going on that it was Mrs.
Hammond and Miss Braund after a while, and they were really laying into each other, you know, saying, "I can't live with this!" She just kept grabbing and grabbing me, and the other girls all interceded.
They were telling her to back off.
I'm not having it! I'm not having it.
Then the hostess, Mrs.
Rogers, tried to take control with disastrous results.
And Mrs.
Rogers came out and wanted to know what all the yelling was about and told everyone to shut up and go to bed, and I said, "No, not until we get sorted.
" Mrs.
Rogers just turned round and went You could suddenly hear Gorell Barnes' voice from downstairs going, "All of you now in the terrace room! I want to talk to all of you, now!" The footmen tell me there's something going on, so I came Mr.
Gorell Barnes does what no Regency man would do and intervenes in the women's argument.
I won't be told Mrs.
Hammond, if you'll come and sit down.
I will when the cameras have gone.
Can you close the doors, please? I've just had enough of all of this.
I cannot carry on with a charge who behaves the way that my charge does.
Captain Glover takes advantage of the breakdown in protocol to show where his feelings lie.
Miss Braund moves out of the bedroom she shares with her chaperone.
The house party is in crisis.
The morning after the row and the countess and Miss Hopkins work out their frustrations by shooting pistols.
It shows their assets to advantage.
But it's a treat only higher- ranking women are allowed strictly off limits to the others.
It just looked really wicked, and it sounded really amazing, like the pistol's kind of cracking, and I think all the blokes were well impressed you know, like, girls in these beautiful dresses kind of firing a gun looked really stylish.
I have to say I was a bit gutted when I saw Victoria and Erishca going off to do their pistol shooting and I was sent upstairs with my sewing.
I did feel a bit sorry for myself.
That was a bit like, "Huh," felt my place in the hierarchy.
The poorer girls, Miss Conick and Miss Martin, are preparing for the summer ball.
I'm so bad at sewing.
Come in.
Your packages have arrived from London.
Excellent.
Unable to afford new ball gowns, they have sent away for trimmings to embellish their old frocks.
Oh, they're so pretty.
The latest Parisian fashion plates provide inspiration.
Rich girls could spend a yearly wage of a lady's maid on a single dress.
These ones.
Perhaps that will come back I've got a big enough bust anyway, the extra fuss up there is a very bad idea.
The other thing I quite like For Miss Braund and the host, Mr.
Gorell Barnes, there are more important matters than dressmaking.
Um, okay.
Obviously, you're not happy about what happened last night.
If I'd broken every single rule in the house and I was shagging someone round the back, I still do not deserve to be spoken to in a such a venomous way and then have someone grabbing me and physically trying to attack me with two girls pulling her off.
But, um um I can't be chaperoned by someone who doesn't obviously like me, respect me and, you know, obviously and it just Do you think there's any way that you two can resolve this? I I need an apology.
Okay.
I'd like an apology.
Actually, I think I'd like a written apology.
Okay, so do you want me to And I've told Mrs.
Hammond it's genuinely because I really do like somebody in here.
Well, she said she's got these plans, but they're all really big, big plans.
You know, she wants me, if possible, to end up with you.
You know, that's kind of her dream Scenario.
because then that would be her she would have made that happen.
Madam.
Next in, Mrs.
Rogers.
As hostess, she should be dealing with the row, but she is herself part of the problem.
This situation the other night was just Horrendous, and I wish to God I hadn't been woken up.
Then I wouldn't have been involved.
No, absolutely That's what annoys me.
I was woken up when, I don't know how many of those girls were shrieking like children on the landing.
I do not think it is polite to behave in such a way.
I reacted by smacking her, because she was behaving like a child.
The reason that the young I don't think that's an acceptable way of dealing with things.
I agree, and if you remember, I immediately apologized, I was so shocked.
Of which Miss Braund has said I apologized to her in public.
I don't think there's a problem between yourself and Miss Braund, and I'm very happy that that's been resolved as it is.
However, I think that we need to try and address why all these issues are happening and how they're going to be dealt with.
It may just be a clash of personalities.
I think there is a big clash of personalities.
Mr.
Gorell Barnes steels himself for yet another difficult conversation this time with Mrs.
Hammond.
a different kettle of fish, though, isn't she? I get on extremely well with her, and I respect her.
You know, it's a bit like Mrs.
Rogers.
There is that sort of age thing, and there's one thing about being respective, about effectively giving an older woman a bollocking which is quite strange.
She's not going to like this.
I don't know if you could bite the bullet and just shock her.
and just, you know, say, "Look, I'm really sorry "about what happened the other night.
Can we start a clean slate and get on with it?" And so what do I what am I doing there, G.
B.
? I'm lying myself prostrate at the foot of her, and someone else, again, has apologized to her.
No, but you're effectively Well, you know, you can bring her in, and I can say yet again I'm sorry.
If that's what you want, I'll do that, but believe me You're not.
It won't stop here! I'm nervous because this is my only dress I can't see I'm going to make it look any better.
I'm probably going to just ruin it completely.
I put my arms here, and you were then shaking and saying "Get off me!" All I was trying to do That is a gesture to calm down.
and you can ask any of the other girls You were shrieking.
Can we can we Please I don't really, this I don't want this to explode again, and I think That's fine, I don't want it to Honestly, I think that some apologies are needed, and I think that that would I'd like that to happen first of all.
And then I actually, um as I said to you earlier would actually like, um, yes, an apology, and I would actually like a written apology.
You want an apology, and a written apology? So I will give you an apology, and I will give you a written apology, then what will you want? That's fine, that's what I want.
Okay, and then if But I'd like it to be sincere.
Yeah, I know, but I think Oh, so now you want a written apology and a sincere written and verbal apology.
And then what will you want? Otherwise what is the point? She'll go on with wanting what she wants all the time.
Look, we may well We've got to bite the bullet.
We got to get on with it.
And I think that you should apologize to her and I think that you should apologize to her sincerely.
And that's it; end of conversation, okay? Yes.
Mr.
Gorell Barnes is off to visit his hermit.
it's the hermit's duty to offer spiritual support.
Did you hear about the saga the other night? I did, yeah it was an episode, a slapping and shaking episode under your roof, Master.
It's not good enough, is it? How can you let that nonsense go on? and said, "What the is going on? All of you down here now!" And they went So then I gave them a good hiding.
But everyone got upset and then the hostess decided that the best way to sort it was to come and give Miss Braund A bit of a kicking, and she gave her a slap.
So anyway, then I gave her a bollocking.
Mrs.
Rogers? I bet she liked that.
Gave her a rogering.
Crazy.
Scratch-the-surface nutters.
Absolutely mad.
and Captain Glover has arranged to be woken.
He's concerned about Miss Braund and is planning a surprise.
As a naval captain, he would be a good match, as he has the potential to earn a great deal of money.
Has everyone retired? Yes, sir.
I noticed that Miss Braund was very upset.
She'd taken herself off and she was crying; and a footman brought her a hankie.
And of all the girls to date, she she's come across as to me, anyway as the most sort of caring, and thinking of other people and going beyond herself.
And I just thought she'd had an awful day.
She was very down, and and I sent her a note to that effect, but I wanted to make a bigger statement and have a nice surprise for her when she woke up: It's a new day and be happy and be positive.
Are you spelling the word "Lisa" by any chance? No, just "B.
" "B" for Braund? Yes.
Okay, good.
I don't know how the human species exactly works, but I think getting four people for three months and pairing them off like this is a very small mate-selection way of doing it.
It's just, uh, it's the kind of thing I'm thinking at the moment about this very strange Regency time.
an Irishman in the middle of the night with a bale of hay spelling out a letter B.
I think he should have made the B smaller and maybe got the whole name in.
I won't suggest it to him, though.
No, I will.
Paddy I was a bit unhappy yesterday, so Um, this is really, really sweet.
Look, it's really lovely.
It just made me laugh.
It's quite a nice thing to get up to.
It's Captain Glover.
It has to be.
At one time Miss Braund liked Mr.
Everett, but are her feelings beginning to be swayed towards Captain Glover? It's beautiful! It's beautiful potpourri.
Oh, it's stunning.
The gesture Captain Glover made with the "B happy" was just staggering, and I don't think she's ever had anybody do anything like that for her.
And I could see how she would be maybe swayed towards him.
If that happened to me, I could be persuaded.
Only one man has shown any interest.
That's not true.
Which one's that one? What do you mean, which one's that? This enormous gesture of "friendship" uh, does it sway your feelings for Captain Glover in any way? Um I find him very charming.
Amorous tensions mount as the house is decorated for the summer ball.
Mr.
Everett hopes to improve his romantic chances by perfecting a vital Regency skill.
He's invited a piano teacher to help him.
I'm having a singing lesson today because a few weeks ago, we were having a jolly good party, and I decided it would be quite amusing if I flicked a few stones up at Miss Hopkins' window in an attempt to serenade her.
And, uh, it didn't really work because I couldn't think of anything to sing, which is a bit hopeless and it was terribly unromantic, but it was funny at the time.
So then I thought that it'd be quite nice to do something properly for her.
So now I'm having a singing lesson here to see if I can get my voice in trim so I can give her a nice song, and hopefully she'll like that.
I do think he's a great guy but I don't know if he's strong enough for me not "strong enough," but he I don't think he would put me in my place.
I need somebody to put me in my place and I don't think he'd be able to do that.
I'll try and see if I can grab Miss Hopkins for the first dance; I'll see, I think.
Or maybe I'll save her for a later dance.
I don't know yet.
This is a world where display is all.
The masters of male display were the dandies men who devoted their lives to perfecting style.
Writer and fashion guru Nicholas Foulkes is going to reveal the secrets of the Regency's most famous dandy Beau Brummell.
For the dandy, appearance is everything.
It's a refinement of appearance.
You gentlemen, by the look of it, are all bucks; it's all about bucks and bloods, it's chase, boxing maybe, the martial arts.
For the dandy, really it's about perfection of form.
This was such a barbaric time; I mean, you had not only the Peninsula and then the Waterloo campaigns, but you also had this lawless society.
So Brummell was trying to impose a certain order on it or rather dressing in a way that was incredibly understated.
You've got these different strands going on here because the Byronic thing is very romantic and the whole dandyism was the suppression of all emotion.
So he would always appear, this amazingly chilly character who would just sort of survey a scene and and just kill it with one comment, or just a flex of an eyebrow or a, you know, a curl of the lip.
Whereas Byron would come in and there'd be I mean, descriptions of what Byron was wearing were amazing.
I mean, the man must have dressed like he was color blind.
His whole demeanor was calculated to outrage, whereas Brummell's was calculated to astonish purely because of the sort of iciness of the demeanor and the, um total control.
At 3:00, while the men attend to the theory, the women have already started to prepare for the evening.
Amongst the ladies that trim their dresses, it's a much bigger event.
So, Miss Conick and I really I think we're quite excited about it because we spent literally two days working on dresses and sort of looking thinking about it.
It's really one of the first times that men are really allowed to be with a single girl and that's when they have an opportunity to chat So that's probably why we're suddenly getting excited, because we can chat to them and we can be silly and it'll be fun, and it's all allowed.
The last few nights have been so sort of fractured, to get everyone together doing something.
People would queue to watch Brummell dress.
We only get one go at this.
Following his example, the gentlemen take extra care preparing for the dance.
Excellent.
Muscular legs were sexy.
Captain Glover is given a fashionable accessory.
It's just to make your calves look bigger, sir.
These pathetic little things here? Yes, sir.
Just take that off.
Do they have these sort of things for any other part of the body? I do believe there is another padding that some of the gentlemen will be using.
Somewhere else on the anatomy? Okay, so I'm small of calf muscle and they're small of That's right, sir.
Mmm, interesting.
I think I would have preferred some kind of cod piece to these leggings, because this is going to this is I'm really hot already.
The idea is that you would bunch the shirt so the groin would look bigger So you wouldn't have to attract the ladies.
Hello ladies.
Egad, sir.
Wish me luck.
I'm going to kill some ladies here.
I feel a bit like a princess tonight with these fantastic clothes on and amazing jewelry I'm definitely in touch with my feminine side.
I think we'll try and keep tonight light and fun But the harmony of the evening will depend on Miss Braund and her chaperone, Mrs.
Hammond.
I think Miss Braund was entitled to an apology, uh, which I was happy to make.
I painted her a watercolor and invited her to come home, uh, so that we can, uh, repair our friendship.
As the ball commences, protocol is rigidly observed.
To ensure that the men are shared, no woman can claim the same partner for more than three dances.
Oh, my God, it's stunning! So what was added to your dresses? Nothing; mine's new.
You got a brand- new dress? Thanks for noticing.
Sorry.
I was talking to her about the added thing.
Absolutely.
It's called the wonder calf.
Really? Yes.
"Hello, girls.
" I mean, the rest of me is natural, I can assure you.
Rest of what? Your hair.
His hair, it's natural.
And his teeth.
My bulges.
I'm going to get you, Hopkins.
To dance well was essential to make your way in society.
A person's reputation depended on it.
For Mr.
Everett, the evening is going according to plan.
Down the middle.
It's been a bit of a tension release after the last few days I think.
We needed something fun something nice and something very Regency and something really romantic, and it is really romantic.
It's really a fairy tale kind of evening.
it's the only kind of physical contact we've had.
Totally; it's quite weird.
Yeah, holding hands with a man.
Ooh! Change.
Very good.
In this world where men and women cannot touch, the ritual of the dance is highly charged.
Up, up, up, up As partners passed, they could whisper intimacies.
Two, three, four, back.
Miss Braund and Mrs.
Hammond find a moment to talk.
So, Lisa, are you going to come home now? I think they're working out a way for having some other access to that room.
They've done really well with it, haven't they? It's beautiful.
Thank you.
Stunning, beautiful.
But thank you.
Thank you.
As the young ladies and gentlemen concentrate on the rules of the dance and on each other, it seems that harmony has been restored to the Regency House.
As for romance, will Mr.
Everett finally persuade Miss Hopkins of his true feelings? In the cellars of the house, Mr.
Gorell Barnes makes a discovery an abandoned hellfire club.
Bad-boy poet Lord Byron revived the hellfire tradition in the Regency.
Ah, poems that need to be read to the ladies.
Mr.
Gorell Barnes plans to open the club for a boys' night of forbidden pleasures.
It will be strictly out of bounds to the ladies.
The ladies have something to look forward to, as well handsome Mr.
James Carrington is arriving for the weekend.
The young ladies are eager to meet him, and wonder how the men will react to the new competition.
I think I've found my talent.
Because there's going to be a number of gentlemen in the house this weekend, there's just a few heckles going up and a few comments about, you know, "It's hard enough in here as it is.
We don't need any more competition.
" So so, yeah, it should be interesting.
Musician Mr.
Carrington might look like a great catch, but without a penny to his name, he spells trouble for the ladies.
He has joined the houseguests for a sumptuous banquet in honor of Lord Byron.
It's my fault you got the sheep's head.
Stepping into Byron's shoes for tonight is millennium poet Simon Armitage.
Byron was famously mad, bad and dangerous to know, but he was still invited to all the best places.
And what is the woman's lot in the early 19th century? It's not a great one.
It's very restrictive.
It will say, "The girls may embroider this afternoon.
"The kitchen will be in the boudoir for the girls to play with.
" And you'd be like, "Cool.
" The ladies are thrilled to have two attractive men But Gorell Barnes has other plans for his new guests.
All the men will stay with us tonight, yeah.
The dandy is asked to distract the ladies.
You will entertain the ladies.
Did you did you know that? No, I didn't know that.
How do I entertain them again? I made them laugh once very, very, very slightly.
But basically you'll entertain the ladies.
Then I join you downstairs for the exotic dancing.
without them knowing where you're going.
We gather as the Kentchurch Society of the Dilettante.
We come to honor the great Lord Byron.
Gentlemen, welcome to the Hellfire Club.
To Lord Byron.
Byron made poetry wild and exciting, linking it with passion, darkness, the exotic, the forbidden.
"Sob for me, slob for me, break out the grog for me, "jibe for me, tack for me, take up the slack for me, "slurp for me, burp for me, load up a crate for me, "turpentine is great for me, work up a thirst for me, Basically being a man in the 19th century was a whole lot more fun than being a woman.
The ladies, you know, outside of this, they're all, like, you know, amazing.
They've all, like, either been to Cambridge or they've they run their own business or they're successful in their own right, you know.
And certainly here they're just, you know, pushed into this box and they have to behave like this, and they can't do that, and they can't There's lots of "can't" s going on for them.
I'm feeling very annoyed.
I don't mind The secret is out.
The women know about the party.
I am livid with him.
I think it's so rude.
Are you okay? Yeah, I'm just cross.
And I don't blame you.
That's very rude of you not to even be told.
Dress up as the blokes and go, because it's a gentlemen's-only club.
So why don't we do that? The dance of the maenads followers of the god, Dionysus celebrates the release of inhibitions "Work up a thirst for me, put yourself first for me, climb on your cross for me all the way over the sea.
" Have we got stockings? We've got stockings on, darling.
We need a button on this one.
Someone should notice it's got a button missing.
Girls, the dress is going to have to come off.
That's what I'm saying, so undo my dress.
No wonder they need valets to dress them in the morning.
Actually, these smell.
Okay.
Ow! He's shorter than you.
Wicked.
Amazing.
Oh, the men's clothes are so much better than ours.
We have conformed to all the rules and the regulations they've laid down to us.
We've been good, little girls, we've gone to bed at 11:00, we've not been drinking the alcohol.
Time for us to have some fun.
There's a level of fun not acceptable.
I'm just telling you you cannot go into that club.
We know that, and we're not intending to.
The dandy is going to I trust that dandy about as much as I trust a three-legged racehorse.
The dandy, if he's obliging, is going to invite the gentlemen out to join him in a cigar.
If any one of you set foot in that club, you will compromise us old bags.
We're trusting you girls not to cross that line.
I do think that the duennas ought to come, though, as a rearguard.
I'd like the chaperones to come.
I'm not going to miss this for the world.
But if any of you get pregnant, you'll have me to deal with! That includes you, Dandy! Bring a decanter with you.
Um, Everett, I need your help! Some blokes kicking off.
And you, Glover.
Quick, Foxy, come on.
Some blokes fighting out here.
Brilliantly done.
They are lads.
And who was responsible for this? It was a joint effort, sir.
A joint effort, sir.
Come on, Miss Hopkins.
"Captain Hopkins" to you.
Mr.
Everett decides it's time to woo Miss Hopkins.
Hopkins! Hopkins.
Oh, bollocks! What do you want? "Oh, but soft! "What light through yonder window breaks? "'Tis the east and Juliet, and Victoria is the sun.
" That is, yes.
So what do you think of the girls, then? Gorgeous.
Were they lovely? Far more Far more beautiful Than you.
Yeah, I got that impression.
Well, you looked ridiculous.
I looked ridiculous? Kind of sexy, too.
Yeah, but I need to think of a song.
I did this twice now.
I can't remember it.
Clarr Clarr.
.
Clarr ? Sleep ? ? Sleep tonight ? Unlike Mr.
Everett, Mr.
Carrington is a professional singer, and sober.
Mm-hmm, that's what I say.
? If the thundercloud ? ? Passes rain ? ? So let it rain ? ? Rain down on here.
? The morning after, an inquest is held into the previous night's excesses.
Your charges have been very respectful, I thought.
the cross-dressing thing, then they sort of They settled down, yes.
They settled down for an early night, which I thought was rather demure.
A night to be remembered, though, sir.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it was.
Yeah, another one.
I fell asleep on the billiard table and then I fell asleep underneath the billiard table.
Despite Mr.
Everett's attempts it is the departing Mr.
Carrington I can see Carrington being a really good mate.
You know, one of those guys I really think he's lovely.
He's got everybody summed up in here in one day everybody to a "T.
" He's a very switched-on guy.
Hmm.
Very, very switched-on guy.
And I hope he I do hope he comes back because I think he brings a really good dynamic to the group.
Oh, I think he's fantastic.
Shall we run for it? Keep going! After Everett had abused me, Carrington sang me this really, really beautiful tune, and everybody everybody just went just deadly silent and I sat there going, "Oh.
" Oh, my God, I think he likes you.
I do, seriously.
I don't think he does.
No, I don't think he does, no.
Oh, chaperone at 12:00.
Next time, there's trouble in paradise.
A beautiful stranger arrives.
I am a bit flirtatious, but, hey, rules are made to be broken.
A handsome rival returns.
And I think Mr.
Carrington will break my heart.
There are fisticuffs galore, and finally the gloves come off.
The thing with very good girls is that when they're bad They're very bad.
They're very bad.
It's a deliciously naughty time at the Regency House Party.
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