Reggie Perrin (2009) s01e01 Episode Script

Nicola, is this suit too boring? Yes.
Do you think a white one would look too desperate? Yes.
But Have a good day at work.
I won't.
Late.
That's never happened before, has it? Your shoes are on fire.
And I'm sleeping with your wife.
Come on, let's all have a chat! And you know there must have been 27 minutes late.
Suspiciously bulging holdall at Coulsdon South.
How are you, Vicky? Well, only another eight hours.
Why don't you try naked volleyball in your lunch hour? That perks me up.
- Has this month's copy of Wet Shaver.
- No.
Ah, I see I'm seeing Anthony and Steve this morning.
Why? - They've got the PFDs.
- Tremendous.
Fantastic.
Remind me what they are.
Preliminary Feedback Downloads.
Of course.
Lovely.
Right.
Any more rumours on Balms and Lubricants relocating to Merton? No.
OK, so yes, to the International Facial Hair Forum in Bodmin on the 14th and no to the Stubble Seminar in Huddersfield on the 19th.
Can you get onto I about my spam filter? I've actually got a reasonably large penis.
Sorry, the link being that I'm getting a lot of emails advertising penis lengthening products.
If only they knew I'd pay good money to enlarge my rather tiny testicles.
Do you want a vase or a tent? What?! HR says you're coming up to ten years' service.
Do you want a vase or a tent? Camping! Waking up freezing cold at 5am with midges in every orifice, the toilet like the Somme and the only other facility is a rusty gate and a Nazi farmer.
Shall I put you down for a vase, then? Quick thinking, Vicky.
I can see why they gave you the job.
Ten years? Ten years! That'sten years.
Morning.
Chris sure.
I can't do this morning, but I'm free from two.
Your office 11.
30.
Fine.
- Yeah, it's a tight ship.
- Ah, Reggie! - Chris! Have you met Jasmine Strauss, our new head of Balms and Lubricants? - No, I haven't.
How do you do? - Reggie Perrin.
How do you do? Reggie's our Head of disposable razors.
He's working on a ten-blade razor.
They say it can't be done! - Can it be? - No, it can't actually.
It'sit's far too many blades.
Bye.
- Come on in.
- What? - Come in! - Yes.
Sorry.
Nice weekend? - Not particularly, no.
- Good.
Good.
- Where's your desk? - Yes, I've had it removed.
It was sending out the wrong message, creating a barrier.
Do take a seat, Reggie.
You need a challenge, Reggie.
- Do I, Chris? - Pumice! That slightly spooky grey stone you find in old aunties' bathrooms? Let's reinvent pumice.
Organic pumice.
Fashion pumice.
Travel pumice packs! Your call, Reggie! Don't take me away from my passion, Chris! I'm a razors man.
Razors are my life.
Relax.
You're still our king of disposable razors.
This is on the side.
Where's my hat so I can throw it in the air? No pressure.
Get me a full marketing strategy by the end of the day.
Goodbye, Reggie! Bye, Chris.
Steve and Anthony are here for their two o'clock meeting.
But I haven't finished my sandwich yet.
- Yo! - Yo! Hey, boss! How's it going? Aw! Right, we've been putting our heads together on pumice and you're going to love this, OK.
- Pumice is great for rubbing off.
- Keep talking.
- Yeah.
Let's just bounce that idea one step.
Rubbing off actual flesh.
- Well, no.
- No! Let's combine exfoliation with aggressive cleanliness and tap into the self-harming market, yes? - Emos! - Amy Winehouse.
Let's make hurting yourself seriously cool.
Yeah? So in terms of historic uses for solid pumice, we've identified rubbing skin off hands, rubbing skin off feet, rubbing skin off elbows.
Well, so overwhelmingly rubbing.
Possible new applications include scraping.
- Scraping something off something else.
- Scratching.
Or potentially within thinking pumely? Yo! Or pumice teeth polishing sticks.
- Hello! - Hi, love! God, am I glad to be home.
Someone was sick on the train into his laptop.
He tried to make it look like it hadn't happened.
In fact, he carried on typing rather stickily.
But when it came to closing it, it kind of all squirted out the sides.
Enough of my vomiting commuter nitter natter.
Sorry, sweetie, it's my Women's Social Action Committee meeting.
Oh, right.
Hello, ladiesand women.
Ermcould be quite a long one! All right, I'll go in the kitchen.
- Oh, well, you don't have to! - Oh, OK.
I expect you quite appreciate a man's perspective.
Well, to be honest, we get enough of that already.
Good point.
- Reggie's actually pretty good about women's issues.
- Yes, it's true.
As I always say, anyone who can bleed for five days without dying deserves a bunch of flowers every now and again! That was a joke obviously.
Nicola, just I'll go watch telly in the kitchen.
How do you do? Reggie Perrin, disposable razor guru.
Having an affair with an otter.
Just week days, purely physical.
My God, you're fat.
27 minutes late.
Wrong kind of passenger at South Norwood.
How are you, Vicky? Well, only another 56 years to go and then it'll all be over.
This month's copy of Wet Shave's arrived.
I see I've got that humourless twit from Research at 10.
45 and then a pumice brainstorm at 12.
00.
Vicky, what do you know about Jasmine, the new Head of Balms and Lubricants? - Apparently she's very ambitious.
- Nothing wrong with that! - Has she got a husband? - I don't know.
- Kids? - I don't know.
Hopes? Fears? Allergies? - Have I got a chance? - What? - Nothing.
Thank you, Vicky.
The number of people who regarded the number of blades in a razor as important was very high in a number of regions, notably North Gloucestershire.
97% of women under the age of 38 described you as irresistible.
When asked what is the optimum colour for a disposable razor, 26% said orange, 17% said white, 12% said blue.
But there was a disappointingly high percentage of don't knows slash don't cares.
- Of course! - In Worcestershire - Really? Well, thanks for that, Colin! Thanks very much! That's ticked a lot of boxes! Really.
You see I couldn't connect with that, Reggie.
- It's all about the pumice challenge at the moment.
- Yeah, and me! Yeah.
So, what are your thoughts on pumice, Reggie? I'm so up for this it hurts.
Yeah, I'm almost physically excited by this.
It's the worst idea since my friend Monty got caught having sex with his pencil case during his French GCSE.
If I was braver or had a smaller mortgage I'd go mad and tell someone.
But as it is I'll just add it to the lengthening list of lies and absurdities that we tell each other every day.
Ah, sorry, am I turning into exactly the kind of prickly neurotic that I'd run a mile from? - Get - No way, Reggie.
- No!No! Anthony, can I call you Ant? Absolutely.
Steve, call you Ste? Yes.
I have to go and think about pumice now, because sometimes one mind is better than three.
- See you, Ant.
Later, Ste.
- Later.
Ah! Do you think we've upset him? No! He's abbreviating our names.
- It means he likes us.
- Yes! - Yes! He likes us.
He likes you.
Hello? So, Jasmine You've breezed into our lives like a storm cloud of shimmering butterflies.
Ooh, Jasmine, you've opened up a wound in me.
A wound called hope.
Possibly lust.
But I have a wife, Jasmine.
A lovely wife, Nicola.
Touch of cystitis at the moment.
Being typically crappy about it.
You've probably got a boyfriend.
Or a girlfriend slightly less bad.
Please Let your screensaver be a picture of me.
Well, that was always going to be a long shot.
I'm a departmental manager, but I'm also a girl.
Oh, God, I do apologise.
I'm Oh, well, you can see what I'm Did you need to speak to me? No, I just wanted to say hello.
- Do you need my hairbrush? - No.
Sorry.
- Are you all right? - Yes, yes, yes, Got a major new pumice project on.
Just killing a beetle.
We apologise for the ongoing delays.
This is due to pine cones on the line in the Carshalton area.
I'm sorry, but I think somebody's making these up.
Look! Is it just me or are we forgetting how to talk to each other?! Oh, God.
- Hi, love.
- Oh, hi.
The car's making a funny noise.
Oh, is it ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya? No, no, it's more of a No, don't worry, I'll just turn the radio up louder.
OK.
Are we going to have a nice supper tonight? Sorry, love, I've got a Playground Committee meeting.
Put in a rifle range.
Kids love that.
There's some nice ham in the fridge.
Oh, ignore the sell by date.
It's not the food I want, it's you.
"How is pumice special proj going? "V excited.
Chris.
" Oh, God.
Hi, Monty.
It's Reggie.
Get your dancing shoes on, we're going to paint the town red.
- I think I'm too frank.
- Really? - I've started blurting.
- Blurting? - Blurting, yeah.
I meet a decent bloke, and just as we realise we've got lots in common, you know same level at tennis, our wives don't actively hate each other, I say something like, "My God, that's a nose and a half you've got on you".
- You should stop that.
- I've starting people telling a truth.
And you should certainly stop that.
Nicola's very good at friends.
They're like the heads on a hydra.
You see a few off and then more grow back with slightly different names.
"Re pumice.
Stone, paper, scissors.
"Anything there?" Chris.
I think I know what I'm doing wrong.
I'm not living in the moment.
What would that involve? Well, I expected needs a joying what you doing right here, right now.
Or listening to your impulses and acting on them.
Shall I sing? No.
Do you have any impulses? - See you, Reggie.
- I think it was your round.
Oh, Reggie, what are you having? Thanks very much, Monty! I'll have a pint and a whisky chaser you rude bastard! "Re ten blade razor.
"Make blades v thin.
" Shit.
27 minutes late.
Fell asleep on the train.
Roused by the cleaner at Waterloo.
Mouth like the Gobi Desert.
Message from Chris.
"No more delay.
"Pumice presentation.
"My office three o'clock.
"This feels huge.
" Oh, gosh.
- You all right, Vicky? - Mm.
- Got problems? - No, Mr Perrin.
- If you did have a problem.
- I haven't got any problems.
Cheer up, then, you miserable witch.
Oh! Sorry to keep you, Mr Perrin.
Panic attack in Invoice Processing.
Ah! I'm Sue, the company's new wellness person.
What happened to Janet, the company's old wellness person? She's had to retire.
Illness.
So, what can I do for you? I don't know.
- I'm just feeling a bit alienated.
- Oh, that's horrid.
Oh, you sad sausage! - Indeed.
Oh.
How did this start? Little things.
A feeling that if we do speak to each other at all we're just using language to disguise reality xy limonated.
- Right.
The sense that we put too much a gap between ourselfes on nature.
And I keep getting this urge to wear a white suit.
OK.
Thank you.
Do you know what you need? A proper doctor? We don't like to use the term doctor.
Well, we aren't exactly ill, are we? I'm not plural either.
What you need is information.
I don't think I'm having a mid life crisis.
Can you turn that music off, it's really getting on my tits.
Your irritation is a sign of stress being released.
No, attacked sign of irritation.
Look, perhaps I didn't explain myself well enough.
I'm worried that I'm losing the functions normally.
- Do you write these yourself? - Yes, I do.
- Yes.
Right, well thanks very much.
I'm going to find a rooftop where I can scream.
Don't give me another leaflet.
I tell you what, I think you need some sort of physical release.
Oh! - Great! Thanks! That seems - You're welcome.
Looking forward to your pumice presentation.
- Hello, Reggie.
- Hi.
Water, very good for you.
They recommend eight glasses a day.
I'm onto seven.
Feel quite soggy.
- Jasmine? - Yes? I'm really sorry that I sat on your chair and abused your hairbrush and - What else did I do? - Stood in my bin.
- That's never good, is it? - No.
- I'll try harder in future.
- I look forward to that.
Give me a P! P! Give me a U! U! Give me an M! M! Give me an I! I! Give me a C! C! Give me an E! E! What do you get? P Oh, that's that's a great joke.
Afternoon, everybody.
Ooh, lots of people.
Afternoon, everyone.
Sorry I'm one or two minutes late.
Tailback at lift four caused by rubbernecking the new temp in Toners and Astringents.
First of all, I'd like to say a big thank you to my deputies, Anthony and Steve, for their valuable assistance at the kick-it-around and see-what-oozes-out stage.
So, pumice.
P-U-M-I-C-E.
Only one M.
That rather surprised me.
Pumice is a volcanic material, technically glass, composed of translucent bubbles of extrusive igneous rock, and as Chris so shrewdly observed, it has qualities of solidity and tradition redolent of Victorian kitchens and the better kind of Tuscan villa.
Interesting.
Now, brilliant though Chris's unspoken analysis is, it's actually mystifyingly hard to find a use for this seemingly banal material.
Until you consider that almost unique amongst its peers pumice floats.
Mm.
Hm? Interesting! So, how are we to exploit this quality? A range of rough-hewn lilos just in time for the summer? Possibly.
But let's look closer to home.
Chris, imagine you're a lady and you're lying in the bath, you notice that your legs are frighteningly hairy.
Stylish.
Organic.
Your very own DRR.
Remind me, what exactly is a DRR? A Disposable Razor Raft.
You shave a leg .
.
pop the razor on the DRR, let it bob around a bit, take a break, complete the job.
Very impressive, Reggie.
Thanks, Ant.
Thanks, Ste.
I have to say that without you two everything would have been exactly the same.
Thank you.
- Nice work, Reggie! - Thanks.
There's a seminar on stubble in Huddersfield on the 19th.
I thought maybe we should go together.
- I'll get back to you.
- Yeah.
I think you'll find that the weight of the razor will make the raft sink and Yeah, shut up.
Well done, Reggie.
Thanks, Chris.
Intriguing suit.
Thank you.
Mm.
I didn't get where I am today by dressing like a bride at a lesbian wedding.
No.
I'm watching you, Reggie.
If the cat slides down the flagpole then nobody wins.
- Bye, Chris! Bye! - Bye, Reggie.
- Hello, love.
- Oh, hello! Oh, hello! 27 minutes late.
Exploding hot water boiler in cafe bar in carriage D.
Many dead.
All a bit awkward.
Well, you're not late.
27 minutes early.
Yeah, but I left 54 minutes early.
Ah, had enough? Yeah, more than enough.
Aw.
Isn't it your Tae-Kwon-Do night? Yes! I decided not to go.
Oh.
I thought it would be nice for us to have an evening together.
Yes.
Yeah, it would.
What the hell are you wearing? It went down rather well.
Ted in the Post Room asked me where I got it.
Isn't he partially sighted? Yes, he is.
It's the new me.
I'm entering a new phase of self-fulfilment and rigorous honesty.
Reggie what's the matter? Oh, well, if you're fine.