Reginald the Vampire (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1
Get your skanky ass away from me.
Hit the bricks.
Easy!
Dumb bitch.
How you doin'?
Nice night.
Cool breeze.
Man, you know you didn't
have to treat her like that.
I mean, sure, yeah,
sometimes love can be cruel,
but it's an unnecessary byproduct.
It's not the point of the damn thing.
I'm gonna count to ten.
Then I'm gonna bounce
you off the damn asphalt.
One, two, three
Are you a meat eater?
I'm keeping a close
eye on my cholesterol.
I heard carnivores had a
higher load in their blood.
What the hell does my blood
gotta do with anything?
I'm just trying to watch what I eat.
What?
Thank you, everyone!
Thank you, everyone,
thank you very much.
Hello, Akron, Ohio!
I can't hear you!
There we go.
Today is not only the first
day of the rest of your lives,
but it is the best day, because today,
we are going to learn
how to get what you want
out of the life that you are living.
But you can't get what you want
if you don't know what it is, can you?
No, you can't!
Tell me what I want.
You want Sarah to love you back!
Yes, exactly.
But it is not easy.
It's a journey.
And before I reach my destination,
there's a secret that I have to learn.
What's the secret, Reginald?
Tell us!
If you always do what
you've always done,
you'll always get
what you've always got.
If you always do what
you've always done,
you'll always get
what you've always got.
If you always do what
you've always done,
you'll always get
what you've always got.
Hey, Regi world.
Regi-round.
Regi-wide, comin' through.
You know eventually fat-shaming
will lose its punch, right?
I'm so fat, I have my own zip code.
I'm so fat that my favorite
necklace is the food chain.
I'm so fat that when
I step on the scale,
it says "To be continued."
I'm so fat that when I go to the beach,
Greenpeace shows up to
shove me in the ocean.
- I'm so fat
- Yeah, I got it.
Super funny.
I'm about to die laughing
from how funny you are
about being obese.
I'm so fat, that when I
- Hi, Sarah.
- Hey, Reginald.
Never. No chance.
"Um, no, thank you, Reginald.
I don't like you like that."
Forever.
Welcome to Slushy Shack.
How can I help you?
Welcome to Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?
You don't have to say
that every time, you know.
Crazy thing.
Actually, I I do. It's in the manual.
There is no manual, and we both know it.
I'll get a Chocoholic Blast,
but I want you to add just
a pinch of Tropical Coconut
in there with it, but not too much
or I get a weird aftertaste in my mouth.
- An exact pinch.
- It's just an expression.
But imagine taking a pinch
of slushy with your fingers
and adding it into my
slushy, but use a spoon
to add the same amount instead.
Got it. Right away, Claire.
See you tomorrow night,
like always.
"What's the Story, Morning Glory?"
Oasis, nice.
- "What's the Story"
- "Work Bitch." Britney.
"I'm So Bored in the USA." The Clash.
"We're Gonna Have to
Get Out of This Place."
Ooh, in my "Little Red Corvette"?
"Shut Up and Drive."
Ooh, "Bad Together."
"Drunk in Love."
Because Queen Bey is
- Awesome.
- Yeah.
Sorry to interrupt.
Can I get a Sour Apple Scream?
Sorry, we were just
Talking in song titles.
"I Like That."
- Janelle Monáe, yeah.
- Janelle Monáe. Nice.
All right, I'm on break.
Uh, we're all out of Sour
Apple Scream, actually.
It's quite popular.
Pineapple Surprise?
Oh, it's my favorite.
Have we met before?
Nah.
No, it's, uh It's my first time.
Welcome to the Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?
Give me a minute.
I'll think of something.
Mmm.
Yeah, so the executive training
program is, uh, designed
to give candidates like
me hands-on experience
with day-to-day franchise operations.
Right.
Hey, Reginald.
- Third snack already?
- Oh.
Give it a rest, Todd.
Dear God,
and/or grown-up baby Jesus
whatever down payment was
made before I was born,
whatever was promised,
I want a refund.
Every cent, or I will report you
to the Better Business Bureau
or the Pope
and possibly the Mormons,
if they turn out to be relevant.
I was promised so much
that I did not receive.
The marketing was deceptive.
And, sure, I may not exactly
know how it all works
Like, what life is
handed out to who and why,
but I'm beginning to
think a mistake was made
pretty obviously not in my favor.
And as a result, I'm not satisfied.
And you know what?
In addition to a refund,
I'd like a personal apology.
I would also like bugless summers
and less active sweat glands
and someone to talk to
outside of the Slushy Shack.
And, like, maybe,
just one time, once
a lucky break.
Whoa!
You scared me half to death.
Where did you even come from?
I didn't even hear you coming.
What's your name?
Reginald Andres.
Call me Maurice.
Hi, Maurice.
You know, I read once
that self-directed talk
is a healthy instinct.
It assists in stimulating,
directing, and evaluating actions.
I I was asking for
things that I don't have.
Yeah, like a prayer.
- I'm an atheist, actually.
- I'm not.
How much did you hear?
I believe everyone deserves a refund,
someone to talk to,
bugless summers, too.
Closing time. Grab a mop!
You really like her, don't you?
Her name is Sarah.
Maybe you should do
something about that.
Ask her out. Take her
to dinner and a movie.
Funny. You know, you'd like Todd.
He has the same kind of jokes.
You're afraid.
Unlike most men, I know my limitations.
Truth, Reggie?
Everybody gets to write their own story.
Okay, I like a good fortune cookie
as much as the next guy, but
Listen to me.
Go back in there.
Do not be afraid.
Ask Sarah if she has plans Friday night,
because if she doesn't,
you think it'd be fun if
the two of you went out.
Maybe to dinner and a movie.
If she says no, that's okay.
Just say, "Cool. Maybe next time."
But if she says yes,
you smile like you mean it,
totally comfortable with your good luck,
and you say, "Great.
Friday. You and me."
"You and me" is a
promise, not a description.
You need to communicate that to her.
And then you walk away,
like you just did the one thing
you were always meant to do.
Good luck, kid.
About time.
- Hey, Sarah.
- Hey.
Are you busy Friday night?
Uh, Friday?
No. No, I'm not busy.
I think it would be fun if we went out.
Maybe dinner and a movie.
Sure. I I would like that.
Great. Friday.
You and me.
You busy Saturday night?
'Cause I think it'd
be even more fun if
Not a chance, Todd.
Cool. Completely understand.
Yes!
Ah!
Ooh!
If you always do what
you've always done,
you'll always get
what you've always got.
If you always do what
you've always done,
you'll always get
what you've always got.
If you always do what
you've always done,
you'll always get
what you've always got.
I was hoping you'd show up again.
Hey, Reggie. What's up?
We need to have a very
serious talk right now.
How's that?
I have a date with
Sarah Kinney tomorrow.
Well, that's a positive development.
You asked her out, and she said yes.
That's the thing I don't understand.
That she said yes?
It's like I was there,
and not there at the same time.
Like, there was a physical barrier
between my perception of the moment
and the moment itself.
Like I was Reginald and not Reginald
- at the same time.
- Okay, okay. Yeah.
You might be overthinking things.
It's just dinner and a movie.
Which, under normal circumstances,
is no big deal, right?
But seeing as how I've
never been on a date,
it's a very big deal!
Hang on.
Not even once?
Okay, okay.
Uh, where does Sarah live?
Uh, Magnolia and 40th?
All right, um, meet me at Saint Franks
an hour before your date.
Do you think an hour's
long enough to prepare me?
I I mean, I'm a quick study, sure,
but, I mean, we're
talking about an arena
in which I have zero experience.
Hey, do you trust me?
Completely, but I have no idea why.
I'll tell you what to do,
every step, and then you'll do it.
I'ma get a slushy now.
Cool.
Cool, cool, cool. Yeah.
You're a good-looking
guy. I mean, tell me,
how have you never
been on a date before?
Are you serious right now?
All right, I get it.
You're a big guy, but
Size matters.
That's pretty funny.
It does. I mean, I've never really had
the chance to work on my dating skills
'cause I never really had dates.
And loneliness was sort
of my natural habitat.
And girls aren't exactly
attracted to guys like me.
Maybe they don't know the real you.
It feels like they
have a pretty good idea.
Hey, 47 minutes till your first date.
Yeah, I'm gonna need
about ten more of these.
Listen.
- Shit.
- As you wish.
No, no, no. Not you, Reggie.
- Are they friends of yours?
- Not even a little bit.
Look, I need to handle this real quick.
It shouldn't take long.
46 minutes till my first date.
On the clock. Got it.
They seem nice.
What's your name?
Re Reginald Andres.
Nice to meet you, Reginald.
I'm Moira.
Moira, stop that shit, now.
Is he yours?
Reggie, meet Moira, Penelope,
LeBron, and Isaac.
They need a couple minutes of my time.
Oh, more than a couple, I think.
Maurice has been bad.
LeBron and Isaac need
to chat with me out back.
How's that sound with you, Reggie?
I I'll be right here.
Moira and Penelope will remain here.
Oh, that's that's
not a problem for me.
Reggie, it's best if you come with us.
Okay.
I'll miss you.
Reggie, let's go.
Maurice Miller, for your defiance,
for your impertinence, look.
Look.
Get that shit outta here.
Reggie. Reginald.
Reggie. Reginald. Reginaldo.
Bonsoir, ma petit bouchée.
You smell amazing.
Do you wanna be ours?
We're happy to share.
When you say share, what do you mean?
Leave him alone!
Damn it, Reggie.
- Go away!
- Maybe just a taste before we depart.
How how did you
Pick's wooden.
Do you think you can tell Sarah
I'm gonna be late for the date?
You can use my cell.
No, I can fix this, Reggie.
Okay, but I I can't
do it without your say-so.
The decision has to be yours.
Decide?
That's right.
Decide to die now, a few moments early.
Why would I do that?
So I can save you.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay. Okay.
I had the weirdest dream last night.
- No, you're not dreaming.
- Right.
Right, right.
I get it. I know what's happening here.
I'm still dreaming.
Like, this is the first
dream I woke up from,
and now I'm in the second
one, like it's a sequel, right?
Nah, it's not a sequel.
Of course you'd say that. You're a
projection of my unconscious mind.
Whoa, wait a minute.
I'm not dreaming.
I'm lucid dreaming.
This can't be my blood.
- I'd be dead.
- Yeah, you would be.
- You brought me here.
- Couldn't stay at the bar.
Cops were on their way.
I'm not dreaming, am I?
No.
Saint Franks.
In the alley.
Moira, Penelope, LeBron, Isaac.
I mean, Isaac is ashes now, but
while I was dealing with that,
Moira and Penelope got to you.
Look, Reggie,
you were gonna die, man.
I asked you if you wanted
to live and you said
Okay.
Ooh.
But what did they want from you?
A Regional Director sent them
with a list of complaints.
Possible sanctions.
Are are you in sales?
Reggie, you know what I am, man.
But what did they want from me?
Moira and Penelope like
to play with their food.
Oh, no.
No.
Vampires are not real.
- They're just a story.
- Look,
you're a motherfucking vampire, man.
You're undead.
You can never die.
Never grow old.
I mean, you can't die unless
someone stakes you in the heart
or you get stranded in the sun,
but that's very, very unlikely.
Can I still eat pizza?
Yeah, go for it. You can eat pizza.
- What about ice cream?
- Ice cream, too.
So my taste buds still taste?
I think you're putting a
little too much emphasis
on the pizza and the
ice cream right now.
But if my digestive system
works the way it did before
Your taste buds still taste.
But what they wanna taste
most of all is blood.
It's the only thing that nourishes you.
Every day?
No, your body will
tell you what it needs.
I'm a motherfucking vampire.
Yes.
Yes, that's the spirit.
- Undead.
- Completely.
I will never age and never grow old.
All right, now you're
just repeating what I said.
Superspeed. Vampires have that, right?
Yeah, I mean, some cases, but it
I'm a motherfucking vampire.
We're gonna have to
workshop that catchphrase.
Superspeed!
Whoo!
I'm a motherfucking vamp
- Do not try that again, man.
- Yeah, no shit.
Why am I breathing? Why am I sweating?
I'm supposed to be dead.
Well, the thing that makes us vampires,
it alters the functions of every system.
All right, that's how
we can heal so fast.
But our organs, they
still work the same.
It's basically just an acceleration
of your essential nature.
Okay, I was fast before.
Now I'm, like, fast-fast.
And I was strongish,
and now I'm crazy strong.
- You get it.
- Wait.
Did you say superfast healing?
I have that, so that's cool.
Yeah, that's cool, but, um
look, the, uh
the enhancements of every vampire
are relative to the condition they're in
at the time of their change.
Because the body they die with
is the body they'll have forever.
Whoa, wait.
What?
I'm like this forever,
and I can't do anything about it,
and you didn't say anything until now?
Yeah.
Dieting isn't an option.
But was it ever?
You know what I mean.
No dieting, all right, but look,
we got other problems, okay?
- Given your shape and size
- You can say "fat."
I'm not afraid of the word.
Okay, fat. Yeah.
Being a fat vampire,
that's gonna cause some problems
within the vampire community.
Oh, like with your friends
that I met in the parking lot?
Yeah.
Yeah, they were assholes
before they died.
Vain, bigoted, fat-shaming bullies.
I'm not unfamiliar with the attitude.
Okay. Okay.
So then you understand why
we gotta keep this all low-key
until I can figure out the consequences.
Are you saying that I may not be welcome
in the vampire community?
That they pose a threat to me?
Some things never change.
I'm gonna be like this forever.
If you always do what
you've always done,
you'll always get
what you've always got.
That's a mouthful.
Henry Ford said it.
Yeah?
Well, Henry Ford believed
Jews invented jazz to
corrupt America, so
Point taken.
Sun's coming.
Time to go home.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Ow.
Long story
So, Reginald, how was the big date?
Sarah's got the late
shift tonight, right?
Dinner and a movie.
That was the deal, right?
You and
Sarah.
God, you know what I can't figure out is
why would she waste her time
on an obvious loser like you?
I mean, unless this is like
one of those Make-A-Wish pity parties.
Or maybe Sarah's just a loser like you.
Keep her name out of your mouth.
I don't care what you think about me,
but if you ever talk
shit about Sarah again
Take it easy, Reg.
Just kidding around.
Didn't mean any of it.
Freak!
Mmm.
- Mmm, mmm.
- Oh, my.
What am I seeing here?
Binge eating disorder,
also known as BED,
is a life-threatening
condition usually accompanied
by debilitating guilt and shame.
The good news is that there
are effective treatments,
starting with psychotherapy.
My Aunt Joyce suffered from BED.
Therapy helped her to address
the physical, biological,
interpersonal, and cultural forces
attributing to her condition.
I'm gonna give you the
name of her therapist.
Now, insurance is
going to be a nightmare,
and too bad you don't
live in the Netherlands.
But the important thing is
that you get the help that you
Reginald?
So on a scale of one to "what the fuck",
good or bad day?
Does it look like I'm
having a good day right now?
- Well, hope springs
- Eternal?
I get it.
Like the eternal hunger
burning me inside.
I can't look at people
without seeing their veins
or smelling their blood.
- Well, they're food.
- They are not food to me.
What made you think coming into
work tonight was a good idea?
I missed my date with Sarah
because I was being turned
into an undead creature of the night.
- I wanted to say I'm sorry.
- You need to feed, man.
Or else everyone you see
is gonna look like a damn blood bag.
You understand me?
But I don't wanna kill anyone.
You don't have to.
All right? Drink what you need.
Make them forget you drank.
Just glamour yourself some dinner.
Listen to me.
Sorry, not feeling it.
Dude, this was just for
demonstration purposes.
Vampires can't glamour
other vampires, all right?
Now you try.
Listen to me.
Nah.
No, you gotta lean into it more.
Say it like you mean it.
- Listen to me.
- Mm.
There you go.
Look, you got this, man. Just
tap into that big brain of yours.
How do you know I have a big brain?
Dude, I'm your maker.
I know everything about you.
One more thing.
Until you feed,
everyone you know is at risk.
Sarah is at risk,
and I know you don't want that.
I'd rather step into the sun.
So you owe her more than an apology.
We both know it.
What happened to you?
I thought you were working tonight.
We need to break up.
I didn't know we were together.
I mean,
we can't see each other anymore.
We never did see each other, though.
I don't wanna go on a
date with you anymore.
And it was a mistake to
ask you in the first place.
Okay.
Sure. Whatever.
I knew it was you without even looking.
I'm your maker, man.
We share blood.
That's a powerful connection.
Look, wherever you are
I know where you are.
Whatever you're feeling,
I feel it too, Reggie.
My mom and dad moved to Hawaii.
They love the sun.
I'm never gonna see them again, am I?
Probably not.
Did you ever see your parents?
Yeah.
Just once.
My mom's this force of nature.
She's the reason I got my
bachelor of science degree
in business administration.
She thought it could
open any door for me.
And the Slushy Shack was just
Was just supposed to be
research for a term paper.
Two years later, I'm still here.
But you stayed, huh?
Student loans are the
undead loans of loans.
They're eternal.
Yeah.
I didn't like my life much.
It was problematic in
a lot of ways, but
I think I'm gonna miss
it, and I don't think
that feeling's ever gonna go away.
It will, Reggie.
Trust me.
One day, your old life,
it's just gonna seem like
Like a dream you had.
One of those lucid ones.
Are you 100% sure about that?
Yeah.
100%.
Look, a lot of these
kids never had breakfast
before we started the program.
Every grocer in the
neighborhood donates.
You need to donate.
- Angela.
- Yeah, let me call you back.
What happened there, young soldier?
Kids wrenched open a
hydrant, playing in the water.
Cop roughed 'em up for
no good reason at all.
Guess I took exception to that.
Looks like it.
Yeah.
Yeah, wrong end of a
nightstick, what I get.
Why don't you and I go out tonight?
Talk about what it is that you get.
Hey, what were those,
uh The cocktails we had?
- Mai tais.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, they got cool little umbrellas.
What is it that you want, Maurice,
out there in the world?
What is it that you want?
Justice.
And how's that going for you?
Well, how do you think?
What if I told you there
was another way to fight?
A way to break those mother
I'd want you to tell
me exactly what it was.
And then I'd break 'em.
It's a change, Maurice.
And I can do that for you.
If you give me your permission.
Is this change something you did?
It is.
And when'd you do that?
Huh?
Let's just say
this isn't my first revolution.
Wait, what?
Angie.
Look, Angie, you didn't
need to tell me some story
if all you wanted was sex.
I'm not asking for sex, Maurice.
Well, I'm getting some
seriously mixed vibes right now.
Do you want to fight?
I said that. Clearly.
Do I have your permission?
Look, do what you gotta do,
but I think you're confused
what's happening here.
Do I have your permission?
Ahh.
I think I like your origin story
better than my origin story.
What happened to Angela?
I don't wanna talk about Angela.
Did she teach you how to live like this?
Nah.
No, I had to learn that on my own.
Is that a rule?
- Why?
- Well, I'm hoping you'll teach me.
Yeah.
I can do that.
I'm also hoping you'll be my friend.
Look, Reggie, I got rules about friends.
- Sooner or later, you know
- Please.
Yeah. Yeah, I can do that, too.
That night behind the Slushy Shack
were you going to feed on me?
Yup.
Why didn't you?
I don't know, man.
I guess I'm a a
sucker for true romance.
We should have told her last night.
She will not be pleased.
It's not our fault.
Maurice killed Isaac.
Off with his head.
She will understand.
And she will make him suffer.
We summoned Maurice, as you requested.
But he ignored your command.
So I ate his companion.
- Maurice killed Isaac.
- Isaac is very much dust.
His companion tasted of Cornish pasty.
You ate his companion?
I was hungry.
Well, did you dispose of the body?
Maurice chased us away.
There was no time.
So you just left evidence of
your hunger for others to find.
I fear no living man or woman.
Do you fear me?
Justice dispensed.
Justice deserved.
- Spare us.
- Please.
Please.
Tell me about Maurice's companion.
Page 44. "Post-Grammy win,
a new world is opening up
for Megan Thee Stallion."
Oh.
Page 62.
"By late 1979, Prince and the Revolution
start to play their
first club showcases."
Page 377.
Maurice.
You won't believe what I can do.
Hi.
This may come as a surprise to you,
and it probably interferes with
your plan to break up with me,
even though we were never together.
But I gave it some thought,
and I reject your imaginary breakup
and think that you and I need to have
an open and honest conversation
about what's going on between us.
Because I know how you look at me
when you think I'm not looking.
But what you don't know
is how I sometimes
look at you.
Can I come in now, please?
- Okay.
- Okay.