Relationship Status (2016) s01e01 Episode Script
The Good Guy
1 (RINGTONE) (POP MUSIC) The good guy - S01E01 Transcribed by the Hoody WOMAN: So, our legs kept bumping under the table during dinner, and then, he laughed at this dumb joke that I made.
And then he kissed me.
Wait, did you kiss him, or did he kiss you? Oh, yeah, no, he kissed me.
And it was a really kiss, not sloppy, or weird hand placement.
Uh, he actually, though did a slight boob graze.
An accidental graze or a graze with intent? - Intent.
- Ah.
(CHUCKLES) Then he walked me to my car.
And, he said he wanted to see me again.
He payed for the entire date, and didn't expect you to have sex with him.
- He's an gentleman.
- I know.
Or he's gay.
Isn't this like date number three? Date four.
And he's not gay.
You wanna know how I know? Because when we were making out, - he had a boner.
- (CHUCKLES) OK, that is a detail for you.
I still haven't heard from him in a week.
No text, or email, or anything.
And I had a very good TVT yesterday, he didn't even like it.
Maybe he's just busy.
I mean, social commitments can be a real stresser.
Yeah, or he's not a social media .
- Yeah.
- And he's gay.
- Claire.
- Honestly, why are you - so hang up on this guy? - Because he's perfect.
Great job at a indie film financing company, Ivy league education, roman numeral.
- Roman numeral? - Yeah.
Churchill Langhorn Smith V.
- BETH: Oh, my gosh.
- (LAUGHS) You know that means he probably has a friend who has a boat.
- What? - (PHONE VIBRATES) Don't you want a friend who has a boat? That is a thing! Oh my god, is that him? (PING) False alarm.
It's just Rachel.
You know, maybe you should text Churchill, - casually check in.
- No.
That is a terrible idea.
Why? It shows she's confident, knows what she wants.
Man pursues woman.
It's time honor tradition.
Ah, yes, Father also sold daughter for a goat, at one point, but reason prevailed.
If he's into you, he'll find you.
OK, what if he doesn't respond? Then you move on.
No! I don't want to move on.
I like him! - He's perfect.
- If he was perfect he would text.
- I hate you.
- No.
You hate yourself.
You are such a dick.
A dick with an extra ticket to Cold War Kids at the next Tuesday.
- But, I can just as easily give it away.
- Okay, fine! Truce! Yeah.
I know.
Are you into Jason? - Ow.
- Please! We're just concert bodies who have a a mutual admiration for obscure indie bands.
- Oh - I've thrown up on him.
And I've seen him take a dump in an alley and let me tell you something: there is no coming back from that in any kind of sexual way.
And yet you'd still sleep with him.
- Owen.
- Men are pigs, right? Figure all the men this place digs.
- They're all terrible.
- Owen's the worst.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, he needs to get laid.
- Laura, no.
- What? (CHUCKLES) That thing where you're waiting for a text like "wow".
With an animated gif of Emma Stone eating ice cream, - and crying, seriously? - (CHUCKLES) Nailed it! Very apropos of my current situation.
I mean, that's gonna get his attention, for sure.
But in like a passive-aggressive way.
You can not be upset with him for not being exclusive.
You've gone out with the guy four times and you haven't touch his dick.
- Oh.
- Shh Maybe I should friend him on Facebook.
- Yes.
- How are you not - Facebook friend with him yet? - Is that weird? - No.
- Yes.
He just said he wanted to get to know me in person.
- Oh, my God.
That's so romantic.
- Owen! It's not romantic.
It's shitty.
- He is seeing someone else.
- Wait - Church is friends with Owen.
- Oh! What do I do with that information? - Beth? - Alright, let's go.
- Hey, Owen! - Hey.
- Question.
- Yeah? - LAURA: Hey! - Uh, how do you Churchill Smith? We're old buds from summer camp.
I haven't talk to him in a while.
How do you know him? - Uh, I think - Uh Boat.
I think I saw him on a boat and I wanted to - check.
(CLEARS THROAT) - A boat? - Yeah.
Uh.
- Hum-mm.
Could you just log into Facebook, please? It's an emergency.
Thank you.
- OK, alright.
- Thanks.
Okay There you go.
(GASPS) I told you he has a boat! - And 2'600 friends.
- Oh, my God.
And none of them are you.
- Uh, excuse me.
Thank you - I can't compete with that! Compete for what? Uh Uh, ah This uh, do you know if he is seeing anybody? Uh He's dating someone for for ever.
Some chick Pembrook I think? What, are all these people named after buildings in the Upper East Side? - Ah! - My God.
She's got natural highlights.
- Yeah.
- And triceps definition.
- Yeah - And hey, his status says he's single, so here we go.
We can get rid of this.
- Wait, wait, what? - No! - Who logs out? - I do! - Cos I don't trust any of you.
- OK, hold on.
Wait, wait! - O'Malley's, of course.
- (CLEAR THROAT) Okay.
That's fine.
That's fine, we were done anyway.
- Thanks, Owen.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Alright, I'm gonna go back to work because that's - Okay.
- That's what people do here, they work.
- Okay - Bye.
- , - Have fun, bye.
- OWEN: It's a workplace.
- Really cute dress! - Bye! My God, that was super sketchy.
He's gonna tell Church I was Facebook stalking him.
No, no, that was not sketchy.
Sketchy is looking through someone's garbage.
We were just innocently Facebooking, okay? And also, who's Owen gonna tell? He eats lunch with a book.
OK, that photo of Church was tagged at O'Malley's.
Obviously it's some sort of Alumni situation where they all think it's terribly ironic to wear kale T-shirts.
But I found a Facebook page, for the Yale Alumni Group of Los Angeles and it says here, that they go to O'Malley's every Saturday morning to watch Yale Football.
Therefore, you'll be able to find him at O'Malleys tomorrow.
- Oh my God! - Very impressed! Also, a little bit terrifying.
I'm perceptive as fuck.
They're going to be playing .
So there you go.
You can go find him and put your questions to bed.
Then you can go to bed with him.
Oh, my God, I love this plan.
I love beer for breakfast.
I'm in.
- MAN: Play.
- MAN 2: Go, go go.
TV: And the is in.
(DISAPPOINTED SCREAMS) - No! Argh.
- Are you serious? There is no point even come back to the field after that.
Hey, boys.
Ready for round 2? Yes, please.
Alright.
Yeah, I think the waitress wants to make you feel better.
She's potential.
OK, so, he's at your 4 o'clock, and actually now your 5 o'clock.
Actually, when you'll sit down, just turn over your left shoulder.
- Okay? Alright? Yeah.
- Oh! - Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) He's cute.
Two beers.
Hey, isn't that the, uh girl you had at the apartment the other night? - Hide me! - I thought you liked her.
I did, then I found out she tweets more than she breaths.
(LAUGHS) Are you serious? - Tweeter name, please.
- Just the girl 19.
Okay, I got to see this.
Oh, wow! Yeah.
Four tweets before 9 a.
m.
"Crush , made the best smoothie ever, smiling face, bed hair, don't care.
" Oh, this is good: "I wish I could say "I'm someone who likes avocados, but I'm really not.
Sorry not sorry, Callie.
" You know, I actually kind of agree with that last one.
Also, she's linked her Tweeter to her Instagram, but none of theses are worthy of a double post.
None of them.
They're not even photos, they're song lyrics with sunset backdrops.
Although, bad shit needy chicks are usually dynamite in bed.
Trust.
Hm, uh? But I can't be with a over-sharer.
It kills the mystery.
I'm not interested anymore.
I know everything already.
Have you told her that? No.
But I haven't responded in days.
It's clearly a slow fin.
Head up! That's clearly avoidance.
And kinda cruel.
Look, you have the opportunity to be a nice guy, not an asshole.
So just go talk to her.
- Do not talk to her.
- Yes.
- You're fine.
- No, no, get up, and talk to her.
You have to tell her the truth.
- Sit down and enjoy the game.
- No.
Be a man.
Have a nice conversation with her.
Don't have a conversation.
Just be silent.
He definitely knows that you're here.
He's just playing it cool, - because he's with his friends.
- Yeah.
- Man up, get up! Get up.
- Okay.
Get up, thank you.
You see? - Oh, he's getting up.
- He's coming over here? Uh - And he just walked out.
- Exactly No, no, not coming over here.
He doesn't care.
No, he cares! He definitely cares.
Okay, so, how are we gonna talk to him? I have no idea.
I don't I don't know if I'm gonna go over there.
- This is your golden opportunity, go! - Go? Okay.
- Yes, go! - Okay.
(PHONE VIBRATES) Hi! (CHUCKLES) I thought I saw you.
Yeah, yeah, I thought I saw you too.
It's so funny.
This game is nuts.
Really close.
Yeah Uh I texted you.
It goes a while, a couple days ago.
I didn't know if you got them.
Sorry, you know, work.
It's been busy Yeah.
I hear you.
I hear you.
At work, it's been nuts.
Still though, did your phone work? For like a reply text? LAURA: I kinda thought we could maybe hang this week end, or - (SHE CHUCKLES) - Uh, look, so, uh I don't know if this us is gonna work out.
Oh Uh, I thought we were just having fun.
We were, I was, it's just, uh It's the over-share thing.
Like you're tweeting and stuff, it's a lot.
Like a lot, a lot.
Uh, you stopped talking to me because of my Tweeter account? I'm a discrete person.
Well, I live my life out loud.
And I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, I'm just saying I can't "hang" with that.
Oh! Well, I can't hang with somebody that would kiss me, but wouldn't let me part of his 2'600 friends, so Thank you, for your honesty.
Mh.
That looked like a lovely encounter.
How did it go? - It's cool, it's cool.
She gets it.
- Yeah.
- Great.
- (LAUGHS) Yes, she does.
You're busted.
(LAUGHS) - On blast.
- (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) Transcribed by the Hoody
And then he kissed me.
Wait, did you kiss him, or did he kiss you? Oh, yeah, no, he kissed me.
And it was a really kiss, not sloppy, or weird hand placement.
Uh, he actually, though did a slight boob graze.
An accidental graze or a graze with intent? - Intent.
- Ah.
(CHUCKLES) Then he walked me to my car.
And, he said he wanted to see me again.
He payed for the entire date, and didn't expect you to have sex with him.
- He's an gentleman.
- I know.
Or he's gay.
Isn't this like date number three? Date four.
And he's not gay.
You wanna know how I know? Because when we were making out, - he had a boner.
- (CHUCKLES) OK, that is a detail for you.
I still haven't heard from him in a week.
No text, or email, or anything.
And I had a very good TVT yesterday, he didn't even like it.
Maybe he's just busy.
I mean, social commitments can be a real stresser.
Yeah, or he's not a social media .
- Yeah.
- And he's gay.
- Claire.
- Honestly, why are you - so hang up on this guy? - Because he's perfect.
Great job at a indie film financing company, Ivy league education, roman numeral.
- Roman numeral? - Yeah.
Churchill Langhorn Smith V.
- BETH: Oh, my gosh.
- (LAUGHS) You know that means he probably has a friend who has a boat.
- What? - (PHONE VIBRATES) Don't you want a friend who has a boat? That is a thing! Oh my god, is that him? (PING) False alarm.
It's just Rachel.
You know, maybe you should text Churchill, - casually check in.
- No.
That is a terrible idea.
Why? It shows she's confident, knows what she wants.
Man pursues woman.
It's time honor tradition.
Ah, yes, Father also sold daughter for a goat, at one point, but reason prevailed.
If he's into you, he'll find you.
OK, what if he doesn't respond? Then you move on.
No! I don't want to move on.
I like him! - He's perfect.
- If he was perfect he would text.
- I hate you.
- No.
You hate yourself.
You are such a dick.
A dick with an extra ticket to Cold War Kids at the next Tuesday.
- But, I can just as easily give it away.
- Okay, fine! Truce! Yeah.
I know.
Are you into Jason? - Ow.
- Please! We're just concert bodies who have a a mutual admiration for obscure indie bands.
- Oh - I've thrown up on him.
And I've seen him take a dump in an alley and let me tell you something: there is no coming back from that in any kind of sexual way.
And yet you'd still sleep with him.
- Owen.
- Men are pigs, right? Figure all the men this place digs.
- They're all terrible.
- Owen's the worst.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah, he needs to get laid.
- Laura, no.
- What? (CHUCKLES) That thing where you're waiting for a text like "wow".
With an animated gif of Emma Stone eating ice cream, - and crying, seriously? - (CHUCKLES) Nailed it! Very apropos of my current situation.
I mean, that's gonna get his attention, for sure.
But in like a passive-aggressive way.
You can not be upset with him for not being exclusive.
You've gone out with the guy four times and you haven't touch his dick.
- Oh.
- Shh Maybe I should friend him on Facebook.
- Yes.
- How are you not - Facebook friend with him yet? - Is that weird? - No.
- Yes.
He just said he wanted to get to know me in person.
- Oh, my God.
That's so romantic.
- Owen! It's not romantic.
It's shitty.
- He is seeing someone else.
- Wait - Church is friends with Owen.
- Oh! What do I do with that information? - Beth? - Alright, let's go.
- Hey, Owen! - Hey.
- Question.
- Yeah? - LAURA: Hey! - Uh, how do you Churchill Smith? We're old buds from summer camp.
I haven't talk to him in a while.
How do you know him? - Uh, I think - Uh Boat.
I think I saw him on a boat and I wanted to - check.
(CLEARS THROAT) - A boat? - Yeah.
Uh.
- Hum-mm.
Could you just log into Facebook, please? It's an emergency.
Thank you.
- OK, alright.
- Thanks.
Okay There you go.
(GASPS) I told you he has a boat! - And 2'600 friends.
- Oh, my God.
And none of them are you.
- Uh, excuse me.
Thank you - I can't compete with that! Compete for what? Uh Uh, ah This uh, do you know if he is seeing anybody? Uh He's dating someone for for ever.
Some chick Pembrook I think? What, are all these people named after buildings in the Upper East Side? - Ah! - My God.
She's got natural highlights.
- Yeah.
- And triceps definition.
- Yeah - And hey, his status says he's single, so here we go.
We can get rid of this.
- Wait, wait, what? - No! - Who logs out? - I do! - Cos I don't trust any of you.
- OK, hold on.
Wait, wait! - O'Malley's, of course.
- (CLEAR THROAT) Okay.
That's fine.
That's fine, we were done anyway.
- Thanks, Owen.
- Here we go.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Alright, I'm gonna go back to work because that's - Okay.
- That's what people do here, they work.
- Okay - Bye.
- , - Have fun, bye.
- OWEN: It's a workplace.
- Really cute dress! - Bye! My God, that was super sketchy.
He's gonna tell Church I was Facebook stalking him.
No, no, that was not sketchy.
Sketchy is looking through someone's garbage.
We were just innocently Facebooking, okay? And also, who's Owen gonna tell? He eats lunch with a book.
OK, that photo of Church was tagged at O'Malley's.
Obviously it's some sort of Alumni situation where they all think it's terribly ironic to wear kale T-shirts.
But I found a Facebook page, for the Yale Alumni Group of Los Angeles and it says here, that they go to O'Malley's every Saturday morning to watch Yale Football.
Therefore, you'll be able to find him at O'Malleys tomorrow.
- Oh my God! - Very impressed! Also, a little bit terrifying.
I'm perceptive as fuck.
They're going to be playing .
So there you go.
You can go find him and put your questions to bed.
Then you can go to bed with him.
Oh, my God, I love this plan.
I love beer for breakfast.
I'm in.
- MAN: Play.
- MAN 2: Go, go go.
TV: And the is in.
(DISAPPOINTED SCREAMS) - No! Argh.
- Are you serious? There is no point even come back to the field after that.
Hey, boys.
Ready for round 2? Yes, please.
Alright.
Yeah, I think the waitress wants to make you feel better.
She's potential.
OK, so, he's at your 4 o'clock, and actually now your 5 o'clock.
Actually, when you'll sit down, just turn over your left shoulder.
- Okay? Alright? Yeah.
- Oh! - Yeah.
- (CHUCKLES) He's cute.
Two beers.
Hey, isn't that the, uh girl you had at the apartment the other night? - Hide me! - I thought you liked her.
I did, then I found out she tweets more than she breaths.
(LAUGHS) Are you serious? - Tweeter name, please.
- Just the girl 19.
Okay, I got to see this.
Oh, wow! Yeah.
Four tweets before 9 a.
m.
"Crush , made the best smoothie ever, smiling face, bed hair, don't care.
" Oh, this is good: "I wish I could say "I'm someone who likes avocados, but I'm really not.
Sorry not sorry, Callie.
" You know, I actually kind of agree with that last one.
Also, she's linked her Tweeter to her Instagram, but none of theses are worthy of a double post.
None of them.
They're not even photos, they're song lyrics with sunset backdrops.
Although, bad shit needy chicks are usually dynamite in bed.
Trust.
Hm, uh? But I can't be with a over-sharer.
It kills the mystery.
I'm not interested anymore.
I know everything already.
Have you told her that? No.
But I haven't responded in days.
It's clearly a slow fin.
Head up! That's clearly avoidance.
And kinda cruel.
Look, you have the opportunity to be a nice guy, not an asshole.
So just go talk to her.
- Do not talk to her.
- Yes.
- You're fine.
- No, no, get up, and talk to her.
You have to tell her the truth.
- Sit down and enjoy the game.
- No.
Be a man.
Have a nice conversation with her.
Don't have a conversation.
Just be silent.
He definitely knows that you're here.
He's just playing it cool, - because he's with his friends.
- Yeah.
- Man up, get up! Get up.
- Okay.
Get up, thank you.
You see? - Oh, he's getting up.
- He's coming over here? Uh - And he just walked out.
- Exactly No, no, not coming over here.
He doesn't care.
No, he cares! He definitely cares.
Okay, so, how are we gonna talk to him? I have no idea.
I don't I don't know if I'm gonna go over there.
- This is your golden opportunity, go! - Go? Okay.
- Yes, go! - Okay.
(PHONE VIBRATES) Hi! (CHUCKLES) I thought I saw you.
Yeah, yeah, I thought I saw you too.
It's so funny.
This game is nuts.
Really close.
Yeah Uh I texted you.
It goes a while, a couple days ago.
I didn't know if you got them.
Sorry, you know, work.
It's been busy Yeah.
I hear you.
I hear you.
At work, it's been nuts.
Still though, did your phone work? For like a reply text? LAURA: I kinda thought we could maybe hang this week end, or - (SHE CHUCKLES) - Uh, look, so, uh I don't know if this us is gonna work out.
Oh Uh, I thought we were just having fun.
We were, I was, it's just, uh It's the over-share thing.
Like you're tweeting and stuff, it's a lot.
Like a lot, a lot.
Uh, you stopped talking to me because of my Tweeter account? I'm a discrete person.
Well, I live my life out loud.
And I'm not trying to tell you how to live your life, I'm just saying I can't "hang" with that.
Oh! Well, I can't hang with somebody that would kiss me, but wouldn't let me part of his 2'600 friends, so Thank you, for your honesty.
Mh.
That looked like a lovely encounter.
How did it go? - It's cool, it's cool.
She gets it.
- Yeah.
- Great.
- (LAUGHS) Yes, she does.
You're busted.
(LAUGHS) - On blast.
- (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHS) Transcribed by the Hoody