Relic Hunter s01e01 Episode Script

He's a fake it.
It's just a trick.
Do not be envious of thy neighbour's gathering.
It is not the bowl you want.
Believe in yourself, and you will receive all the riches you need.
The net is unbelievable.
It's like having the world's biggest store right on your desk.
I mean, you can shop for anything at any time.
It's like this gigantuous mall.
I'm telling you, you've got to try it.
It's like, you can even take your own photo and put it into the computer and then try on clothes.
I swear to god, it's amazing.
Well, no.
I'm not exactly sure how it works.
But you should see how cool stuff looks on me.
Particularly the pastels.
Ex cept for cucumber, it totally sucks.
Makes me look like i have malaria or something.
Yeah, i have to get that.
Got to go.
I'm all ears.
- I'm here to see professor sydney fo x.
- She's in class.
- I see.
- You a new student? N o, no.
I'm actually well, i'm her new teaching assistant.
U h-huh.
After such a secluded education in cambridge you can imagine how nervous i was to land a position in america.
Silly to you, i'm sure.
Obviously, once i got here, i was quite put at ease.
Is there anything i should know? You must be n igel.
Your demonstration was so wonderfully unusual.
Was it the maori or the sandos indians? Oh, it was actually a composite of several tribal cultures that embody similar methods of killing.
The most important thing at the beginning of the term is to get the students ex cited about history and hungry for more.
- Right.
- Otherwise history just becomes an ex ercise in memorising things from books.
Lane wants to see you.
Said he'd meet you on the quad.
On my way.
That would be you following her now.
- Lane is? - Curator of the museum.
Lots of laughs.
- Robert.
- Sydney.
This is my new teaching assistant, n igel bailey.
What's this about? They're from a village in n epal.
They're positive that you can help them find the buddha's bowl.
The oms bowl that siddhartha threw away? Mmm-hmm.
They claim to know where it is.
Travelled ten thousand miles just to see you.
Will talk to nobody else.
I'll take my leave now.
Is there anything i should know? We have discovered an ancient map.
We now know the exact location of the bowl.
One hundred and fifty years ago, the people of kushinagar, - where we are from - the place where buddha died.
are building a monument.
We want to put buddha's bowl in a place of honour as a testament to his teachings.
I really would like to help you, but people of the village have collected these.
Why did buddha throw it away in the first place? It became more trouble than it was worth.
It was believed to have never run out of coins.
Every time it was empty, it filled up again.
I don't understand the problem.
Do you mean to say that you're actually going to i mean, now travelling for the purpose of - it looks like lombini.
- She is.
- Lombini gardens, n epal.
- Really? - Some sort of fish? Golden koi? - And so are you.
Chan, look at this.
I happen to know chan, and pardon me for saying this but you're in deep doo-doo.
I mean you've taken this trading company that's been in your family for for generations, and managed to single-handedly because of your lust for fancy cars and expensive women or is it fancy women and expensive cars? - And managed to sink it into oblivion.
- That's not true.
Oh really? C ome off it, chan.
It's nearly beyond life support.
Now, i know it, and you know it.
The only person who doesn't know it yet is your father.
And thank god, because it would really break his heart.
I'll get it back.
You and how many gonnifs? I, on the other hand, know a way for you to bring it back from the dead.
- Get it back in a big way.
- N ot interested.
All right.
Suit yourself, channy.
H ello? Yes, father.
I know this isn't what you were expecting.
N ot exactly.
I just thought when i checked yes for travel on the job application form that more or less meant the occasional lecture in boston or something.
N ot that i'm not intrigued by being here.
I mean, the end of the world.
But on my first day? - And then i met your assistant - claudia.
She certainly didn't let on there'd be anything more than that.
I mean, she doesn't share your love of history, unless it can be bought.
It's unfortunate.
H er father is a friend of the college.
That's why she's there.
H er love of history begins and ends with marilyn.
- Monroe? - Manson.
A lovely girl, i'm sure.
You're going to like the hunt, n igel.
I can tell.
Once we get to lombini, finding the gardens shouldn't be difficult.
Lombini gardens.
It sounds peaceful, doesn't it? If the map is correct, the golden koi is in here somewhere.
You poke around in here.
I'll see what's downstairs.
Right.
The koi.
Yes! Got to go.
Hey, wait a minute.
You can't leave yet.
I'm just starting to get ahead a little, here.
You.
- Sweet cheeks.
- Sweet cheeks? N ever mind.
You have the koi, don't you? What? You mean this little old thing? You don't think i just came down here for my health, do you? I mean, this isn't exactly bermuda, is it? - H ow did you get here? - Well, these three weirdos villagers from kushinagar, came by, and they showed me this little map.
Then they tried to hire me with about twenty bucks worth of worthless tokens.
Can you imagine? Give me that! Let go of her.
- Stuey! - Let go of her.
Stuey.
You cockroach.
Sydney! They're calling the authorities! I could go to jail! Imagine what jail's like around here? - And there goes the koi.
- And my watch.
- What's he saying? - We're screwed.
What's the matter? Are you going to be all right? Water, please.
Will one of you get her some water? Can't you see how upset she is? It's going to be all right.
Well, i'll get it myself.
C ome on! Let's go! The next stop once we had the koi would have been boldigaya.
I'm sure that's where he's going.
Why does he call you sweet cheeks? That's not important.
Michael.
I just thought you should know.
There's been increasing interest in the company.
Really? That's good news, father.
I trust the profit and loss statements are up to date? Absolutely.
Good.
I'd like you to prepare the entire financial package for me.
Right away.
- Michael.
Don't worry, i got the koi.
- I don't understand.
It's a long story.
You're going to have to trust me.
The koi is the key.
The koi is the key.
- Yes, sir? - Get me a ticket to boldigaya.
Let's get on the train.
Get out of these things.
When we get to boldigaya we'll find a nice hotel, have a bath, and a flask of whatever they call wine.
In interpreting the tree bark it seems to me that the koi was just one of many.
- Really? - Yes.
There were several.
Which would mean? One is not enough.
It's all part of a mosaic.
But stuey has the koi? Yes and he knows we know he's got the koi.
I know he knows we know.
And he knows i know he knows.
- I'm not sure i'm following this.
- The point is, we have to be on guard.
Operate on the basis that he can be anywhere.
That's why i think you're the best, sweet cheeks.
H iahh! H ello there, kimosabes.
Perhaps you can help me.
Do any of you know what this means? What it's used for? This koi.
Yes.
It's supposed to be from this area.
Many of them.
Does it ring a bell? You should forget about it.
Oh yeah? And why is that? It is best you not know.
But you should forget you saw it.
Look.
If its money you guys want, i'm fresh out of beads, you know.
Wait a minute.
H ey.
What about this? Very expensive.
Very expensive.
Look, multi-time zones.
You can keep that, kimosabes.
All you got to do is tell me about this koi.
It's the key.
Right.
Which one of you is going to step up and part with the goods, huh? I will.
Like you said.
The k oi is the key.
Water.
The fountain holds the answers.
- Water? - Yes.
Ex cuse me, but the watch, you see, is actually mine and it was stolen in lombini by - fountain holds the answer.
- Right.
- It's not even a fish pond here.
- Well, it can't be this fountain.
Why not? Well, this fountain is relatively new.
The one were looking for had to have been built well over two hundred years ago.
Right.
There's got to be another fountain.
That's better.
Seven koi? It would never be.
What do you mean? An odd number.
C ompletely unlucky.
It just would never be.
- N ow what? - I have no idea.
- You all right? - Fine.
Fine.
Let's go.
Ah.
- N igel.
- N o, really, i'm fine.
N ot a problem.
- N igel.
- N o, really, i'm ah! Beatles.
Ah.
Ah.
This is not exactly what i bargained for.
According to the guide, the buddha tree should be just over the next ridge.
This is it.
If this is it, where's the buddha? I don't know.
- N ow what? - I don't know.
- We've come to a dead-end.
- Looks that way.
This is the right spot.
I'm sure of it.
Maybe we should go back and talk to the guides.
- Get up.
- What? - Get up.
- What is it? We couldn't find the buddha because it was right under our noses.
We were sitting on him.
The whole bloody place is the buddha.
Fallen over.
The bowl must be somewhere inside.
And getting inside? That's what the eye meant.
Buddha taught that the third eye was the way into our souls, our inner beings.
- The eyes.
- The eyes.
Look, i have got to get out of here, okay? Me go.
All right.
What gives? And offering is required for your release.
- And offering? - That is correct.
Look.
Do you know who i am, kimosabe? Huh? Well, this is it.
The third eye.
The repository of all knowledge.
Can't see a thing.
All right.
So it was a different eye.
I think you got rid of them.
Better to have the bugs on the outside of the shirt than on the inside, tarzan.
All right.
All right.
Look.
If you just give me a second, i'm going to call my boss, and i'm i'm going to have him wire me some bucks, okay? Cell phone.
You can call people.
Anybody, anytime, anywhere.
N o wires.
Just a lot of ex orbitant roaming charges.
H ey! Cell phone.
N okia 6100 digital, with voice enhancement.
Look.
You tell me where they are, and it's yours.
It's enormous.
The bowl could be anywhere.
Maybe the buddha will give us a sign.
U gh! We are obviously not the first to come looking for it.
I just hope we're more successful.
Buddha teaches the way to n irvana is through moderation, not abstinence.
Partaking, not denying.
Which is why his belly is so large.
- We'll find the bowl in the belly? - I'm convinced of it.
U h! Roaches.
- All over the place.
- They're just roaches, sydney.
I hate roaches.
Well, granted, they're not very pleasant, but they are just bugs.
They're not bugs.
They're roaches.
N obody likes roaches.
Even people that like snakes don't like roaches.
There must be hundreds of them.
Your imagination is getting the better of you.
There aren't that many of them.
You see? We've made our way past the worst of them.
What's that? I can't make it out.
- U gh! - Oh.
Let's just get through them fast.
Well, there must be another way through.
This is the only way to the belly of the buddha.
Well, well.
H aving problems there, sweet cheeks? Who did you expect mahatma gandhi? Mind if i play through? Roaches, huh? You should see my apartment.
Stuey, stop! What? What is it? Don't take another step.
Remember kuranda? - Kuranda? Spikes in the wall.
- N asty, weren't they? Yeah.
H ey.
You really do care about me, huh? Let's not get carried away now.
Just didn't want you to well, you know.
Wait a minute.
I thought you said there were spikes.
I never said anything about spikes.
I just asked if you remembered kuranda.
Sydney, stop.
Remember bangladesh? Yeah right.
What the hell was that? I tried to warn you, sweet cheeks.
- It was burundi.
- I lose track.
Siddhartha's bowl.
Listen, sydney, what are we fighting about? Why don't we just split it? Because it's not for sale.
It's a priceless relic.
Oh my god.
N o! - Great.
N ow what? - We figure a way out.
Sydney.
N ow what? Listen.
I have a confession to make, sweet cheeks.
Why do you keep calling her that? - It's not important.
- It started in c onstantinople.
- Singapore.
- I lose track.
We don't need to hear the story.
We were looking for the jade tiger.
We were in a field, and she had to you know, go behind the bushes.
And while she was you know behind the bushes, a wasp decided to take a siesta in her britches.
When she pulled them up it must have gotten a little claustrophobic in there for the wasp.
Because how many times did he bite your ass? Twenty? Thirty? Forty? Fifty times? Anyway, we didn't have any salve, any ointment or anything.
But one of the guides had some marmalade.
Surprisingly soothing.
All i wanted was a nice, little teaching job.
You had a confession? Yeah.
Look, since it looks like we're all going to bite it here i just wanted to set the record straight.
Okay.
I'm a schmuck.
I'm a big schmuck.
I know that's not earthshattering news, but i just wanted you to know, syd i really enjoyed working with you.
I mean it.
It's been a lot of fun.
- Thanks, stuey.
- That's it.
Thanks, stuey.
That's nice.
Anybody know any good dying songs? - A lever.
- A lever? - A stone lever.
- What do you think it means? Maybe it opens the door, or releases the sand.
- We're not going with the flow.
- N o, we're not.
We're definitely not.
What flow? There's no flow.
We're ignoring one of the basic teachings of buddhism.
- Are we? What exactly would that be? - Not to resist.
That's what i told you in rio.
That is your answer? Not choose your solution? To fight against pain and fear is to be defeated by it.
To accept it is to conquer it.
Close your eyes and relax.
- Oh, sure.
- Breathe deeply.
Breathe! You know, i hate to say this, but not resisting is not working.
I must say i have to agree.
- Ah, we're missing something.
- Yes.
A way out.
- Vibrations.
Sound waves.
- Sound waves? Maybe if we can make the walls oscillate - the vibrations will move the handle.
- Oh, sure.
A chant.
Meditate and chant, as loud as you can.
- Ommmm - ommmm - ommmm louder.
Ommmm louder! Ommmm it's moving.
We did it.
It's working.
The bowl.
What happened to the bowl? I have the bowl.
We always knew that some day, someone would come.
It is important that the bowl goes to someone of great need.
I want to return the bowl to its rightful place.
The villagers of kushinagar are building a monument to buddha.
They want to place it there, as a final resting place.
A tribute to his memory, and what he stood for.
Chan! - You come for the bowl as well? - Yes.
What is your need? I need it to make the money i've lost in my family's business.
- For personal gain? - Yes, it is.
Loser.
Yes.
- I don't understand.
- His need was greater.
It's it's not working.
It is.
The bowl, like buddha, gives to those what they need the most.
You need it not to work.
What are you talking about? Perhaps you need to face up to the truth of your actions.
I'm going to have to face my father.
And that is precisely what you needed.
Michael, wait, wait.
Wait! Michael.
- Guard it well.
- I will.
Wait.
Wait.
Michael, wait up.
Where's my money? I don't owe you any money.
The bowl doesn't work.
But that's not my fault.
I got you the bowl.
You owe me.
Listen, michael.
Maybe they just don't know how to use the bowl.
Maybe you got to rub it.
I think you got to rub it.
- You okay? - Me? Fine.
Perfect.
You do this a lot? Often enough.
What do you think? Well, to be honest, i found the whole experience rather daunting.
Is that good or bad? I don't know.
It did cost me a watch.
H ow did it you heard what the man said.
The bowl gives you what you need.
But i don't need the watch.
But you needed to know that you didn't.
N ow that you have it back, you do.
It's going to be like this a lot, isn't it? You ain't seen nothing yet.
- H ow's it going? - N ot bad.
What's happened? I got a little carried away.
This online shopping is dangerous.
Trust me, claudia.
You don't know what dangerous is.
Oh, yes i do.
I'm going to have to return half of this stuff.
Remember those coins the villagers gave me? Yes.
Since he didn't get any money from chan, i sent them to stuey, as a joke.
One of them turned out to be a lost taxilla from the fourth century.
It was worth a fortune.