Retired at 35 (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

Donald, Donald I know you're my boss, ok? I know well But you're yelling, Donald, and it's hurting my ears.
Donald, I'm glad I'm valuable.
I'm-- But I can't come back to New York right now.
Well, because I'm already in Florida for my mom's birthday And Listen, Donald, I will have my phone with me all weekend.
I promise.
Uh, so I'm going in now, Uh, but you can call me in an hour, okay? One hour.
Okay.
Well, that wasn't an hour, Donald.
Listen, I'm sorry, but I'm at my parents' door now, And they still think that cell phones have harmful rays.
-I will call you back.
-There he is! My David is here.
Mom, dad! You guys look great.
You're gonna love it here.
It's like college in slow motion.
I'm--I'm Richard, your dad's friend.
He talks about you constantly.
Kinda makes me feel like my son is a loser.
Which he is.
Come on in.
Will you stop with all the texturizing? No, no, we have rules.
No cell phones, no ties, And after two months, widows are fair game.
Give me the phone.
Oh, dad, I can't give you my phone.
I'm sorry.
We've got a big project at work, And my boss is just all over me.
Big project? Don't you make chopsticks? Yes.
Also toothpicks and popsicle sticks, Really all food-related wood.
Amy.
Amy, look, it's David.
Will you get David some grapes? He's tired.
And we're off.
"Amy, get David some grapes.
Amy, do David's laundry.
Amy, live in David's shadow.
" Amy has a boyfriend now.
Wow, a boyfriend.
Amy, really? Uh, yeah.
And this time, he exists.
David, you got here just in time For my impromptu art show.
- Your mother's painting now.
- Painting? Really? - Oh, yes.
It relieves stress.
- Stress? What stress? Oh, there's stress.
You know, I spent my whole life Waiting to spend time with your father, And now all I have is time with your father.
You know, I used to sketch things when you were young, - But once Amy came along - Unexpected Amy, that's me.
Oh, stop.
You were a wonderful surprise Once we got over the initial shock.
David, look.
I don't know why she can't just paint a nice bowl of fruit.
She kinda did.
His name is Manu.
Manu lives in Portugal.
He gives back rubs and empties the dishwasher.
David, let it go.
Dad, I am totally with you.
I just have a lot of balls in the air.
Don't go painting them, though, mom.
Oh, I won't.
Took me forever to get these right.
Breaks my heart to see you overworked like this.
You need to get to the gym more.
Look at this little chicken arm here.
I bet I could beat you at arm wrestling.
Come on.
I win, I get your cell phone.
All right, everybody, here we go.
Gather round.
Arm-wrestling match right over here.
Come on.
Sit down.
Come on.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! - Whip him, dad! Snap that little chicken arm.
Retired At 35 - 1x01 Pilot Your old man whipped you at arm wrestling? Seriously, man, do a curl.
Should've thumb-wrestled him.
My thumbs are huge from texting.
Man, I never should have come down here.
There's just no way I can keep everyone happy.
That, my friend, Is why I'm comfortable disappointing everyone.
See, people say to me all the time, "Brandon, your best pal David went off to New York and made something of himself, and you're just a pool man in your hometown.
Doesn't that make you feel like a loser?" And I say to those people: "No, mom and dad, it doesn't.
" Oh, my gosh.
Is that Jessica Sanders? Yeah, she works here.
Here? In this bar? God, I was crazy about her.
Yeah, well, she wants me now.
- What? - Well, you're off in New York With the big job and hot girlfriend.
That's how I hit on Jessica-- I brag about you.
Well, my girlfriend and I broke up.
She cheated on me with the maintenance man.
Leave that part out.
David Robbins? Jessica Sanders.
We went to high school together.
- Did we? - Yeah.
In high school, he had a shrine built to you in his closet.
It wasn't a shrine.
It was more of a collage.
David, how have you been? Last I heard, you were, like, some big shot Living in New York now.
Oh, no.
Well, yeah, you know, I don't know.
I don't know, you know, things are good.
Just, uh, down here visiting the folks for a few days.
But, uh, career's great.
Uh, my girlfriend turned out to be a whore.
So--so I'm single, so that's good.
Yeah.
And I don't mean a literal whore, Not a hooker, whore with a pimp.
That's not--no.
She slept with the maintenance man.
But it turns out that the reason the washing machine was making a funny sound is he was banging my girlfriend on it.
How are you? Living, working, playing in a band.
Oh, hey, that's cool, yeah.
I used to be in a band.
Not a band.
Band.
You were in band.
Well, New York certainly sounds interesting.
So why don't you give me a call And, you know, tell me more about it? This is different than the one she gave me.
Hey, dad.
Are you on facial book? No, dad, I'm "tittering".
Uh, what is the wireless password? No wireless.
Got rid of it.
Those dirty websites were too tempting for some people.
Porn is like basketball to me.
I like watching people do things I used to do.
If you'd stop with the cigars, maybe you'd get some action.
- Action implies enthusiasm and movement.
Eat your sandwich.
There's no bacon.
I got you the soy bacon.
I don't like "facon.
" Neither do I, but you do what you have to do.
Come on, David.
Put that thing down and come spend the day with me.
We have a big softball game.
- Ah, sorry, dad.
Can we hang out later? - Sure.
- Thanks.
- How about now? - Dad.
- Not another word.
Can I share? I know what you're going through with this work thing.
Be careful.
It never stops.
There's no end to it.
These people pay you to give up your dreams.
God, I missed so many of your little-league games.
- Oh, dad.
I sucked at little league.
Don't your remember the draft? It was down to two players.
It was me and wheelchair todd, And they picked todd, dad.
- Don't let me off the hook.
Do you know what I would give To go back to that time and see you out there on that field, Flailing around like a trout? I would give everything.
- Maybe we can play some catch later.
- Later, later-- everything's later.
Now--we play now.
- Oh, come on, dad.
You're holding my phone hostage.
- We have a hostage situation.
- Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
Dad.
- Play ball with me, And I promise I won't pick you last.
- Dad.
- You promised.
- Fine.
I pick david.
- Mom, mom, we won.
Yeah, I scored five runs, And I threw several balls almost all the way to first.
- I'm so proud of him.
He lightened up.
- And I won my very first trophy ever.
It is a gold, padded toilet seat, And it is way cool.
- You must be david.
- I am.
Yeah, ma, you hired a caterer? - No, silly, I'm paul, amy's boyfriend.
So nice to meet you.
oh, ames, come help me.
I'm getting a skin on my bearnaise.
- That's my man.
- Mom, dad, does paul seem a little I don't know Completely gay to you? - As long as he loves her and gives me a grandchild, What he does on his own time is his business.
- David, it's 2010.
Who wants to date some big, macho guy? - Pretty sure paul does, dad.
- This has been a wonderful birthday, Having all of you here, especially you, david.
- I heard that.
- I'm having a blast down here.
For the first time in a long time, I am relaxed.
I'm breathing.
My jaws are unclenched.
- I made upside-down cake.
My mother's recipe, but without the anger.
- Okay, everyone, you can sing to me now.
Ha-- - Sorry.
Go ahead.
Ha-- - Sorry.
Last time.
Ha-- - Answer the phone.
- All right, all right, I'll be quick.
Hi, donald.
Yeah, okay, um, I-- let me just get a pen.
Uh, let Um, okay, shoot.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Got it.
Right, no, actually, donald, no, can you slow down? -You're going too fast.
- He's clenching.
- His neck's all tense.
- He's ruining your birthday.
- Can I call you back? It's just--we're right in the middle of my mom's birthday, And the candles are lit, And I just need to call you back in--in one minute, okay? Donald, I'll just call you back in one minute.
Donald, I'll call you back in just a minute.
Well, it's 55 seconds now, donald.
We're wasting time.
Donald, I just want to call you back, okay? Just please let me call you back? Do--donald We sell food-related wood.
It means nothing, donald.
It's You know what? I'm not doing this anymore.
No, no, not just for now-- Forever.
I quit.
- Hey, are you really quitting your job? - Yes.
I am miserable up there.
I don't want to get to a certain age, dad, and have any regrets.
- There'll be regrets.
- Wow, david, this is very inspiring.
A person can change their life.
I am so happy for you.
- Thanks, mom.
- And for me, because you know what? I'm going to change something too.
- Allen, I'm leaving you.
I'm going to portugal to paint.
Oh, I made cookies, if anybody wants them.
- I can't.
They go right to my hips.
- Wow.
Your mother's really gone.
- Yeah.
Yeah, um Dad, are you okay? oh, yeah, she's gone, gone, gone oh, yeah, she's gone, gone, gone she's gone, gone, gone oh, yeah, she's gone, gone, gone - Okay, okay.
Okay.
Yeah, so, dad, I know this is your first Sort of dixieland reaction, Uh, but maybe mom will come back in a few weeks.
- Don't even say that.
- What? - I thought you guys were happy.
- We are now.
David, when marriage was invented, The life expectancy was 37.
You were married, you had a few good years, And then you got eaten by some sort of wild beast.
- What? - David, we had a great run.
You should be happy for your mother.
She's gonna do what she wants to do, And I'm gonna do what I want.
- Did I just break up my parents? - We almost broke up a whole bunch of times Because of you kids.
This time it stuck.
Come on.
Get into it.
Can you make me some more bacon? - Dad, shouldn't you have something besides bacon? - What are you, my wife? Bacon me.
Rise and shine.
I'm rethinking the bacon.
- I've been thinking about something.
- Yeah? How long do you think it would take me to beat myself to death with a banjo? - Excuse me, Jessica.
Could we get 60 chicken wings And a couple pitchers of beer? You want anything? - So, david, I've been kind of wondering, Did you lose my number? - No.
Why, did you tell me to? - No.
- I'm sorry.
It's just been kind of a crazy week.
Turns out I quit my job and married my dad.
- You know what? I changed my mind.
I'll have the salad.
Still bring the beer, though.
Gonna do this in steps.
- You know, brandon, I was talking to david.
- Sorry, I just thought you and I had something in common.
You're adopted, my parents tell their friends I'm adopted.
- That's our connection? it's something.
- Maybe your dad just misses your mom a little bit.
There are tons of available women down here.
- Yes.
We got to find your dad a date.
- Oh, I don't know, guys.
I mean, how are we gonna find him a date? - Bingo.
- What, you know somebody? - No, bingo.
- G-40.
- Yeah.
Don't worry, everything's gonna be fine.
We'll get your dad a date, we'll get him back out there, And maybe I can collect some of the runoff.
- I don't know, man.
I just feel weird, you know? All I can think about is my mom.
- I saw what your mom was painting.
Trust me, she's gonna be fine.
There's one now.
- Cover me, goose, I'm going in.
Hello.
Don't panic.
I'm brandon.
I clean pools.
- All right.
- So recently I met an awesome and available man.
- Congratulations.
- For you--a man for you.
- So who is this awesome and available man? - He's an older, better-looking, And stronger version of that kid right there.
And he plays the banjo.
- For the right man, I can stomach the banjo.
- Well, there you go.
It's a date.
- Great.
- B-9 Hey, you got one there.
B-9, like the tumor.
Hey, benign is the good kind, right? - Hey, neighbor.
- Hey, dickie.
- Oh, looking good.
I-I heard somebody has a big date tonight, So I brought you a little present-- Cialis and medical marijuana.
I call it "a toke and a poke.
" - Okay, dad, time to get ready for your big date.
Gonna get you out on a date.
- Shall we, uh, take a peek at the goods? - This is exciting.
- Too old.
- Too old.
- Too old? What? Dad, are you out of your mind? She was the hottest woman at bingo.
- Bingo? No, those women talk.
- He's got a nice head of hair, and he can drive at night.
Down here, that's grade-a beef.
- If I date that woman, I'll be hounded like dean martin.
- David, are you still there? I have no idea of what he was thinking.
He wasn't thinking.
- David, is there a problem? - Um, just-- little, tiny problem.
Uh, not a big problem-- Little problem, fun-size problem.
Um, my--my dad is agoraphobic.
Yeah, he's afraid to go outside.
- He's sneaking out the back right now, isn't he? - Yes.
- Ugh, it's all the same, these men down here.
Once they become available, They all think they're dean frickin' martin.
- Hey, no, no, you know what? It's not you.
No, no, I mean, y-- Look, you are attractive and sexy, And they should be ashamed of themselves.
- Well, I'm all dressed up and ready to go to dinner.
Do you want to maybe take me out for a bite to eat? - Well, of course I would.
Yeah.
I mean, it's only 4:30.
But you know what? I'll just call it a late lunch.
- Can we have a drink first? - Glug, glug.
Love a drink, yeah.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
You know what? You should start dating her.
She gets in the movies for 3 dollars less.
- How was that woman? Was she upset? - Well, for a minute, she was.
Then david made her feel all better.
- David, I was wrong about her.
She's not too old at all.
- He panicked.
The man panicked.
He's been married for so long, How would he even broach the subject of lovemaking? - Yeah, what would I say? "I'd like to have sex now if you're not too tired?" I mean, that's all I know.
That's all any of us know.
- Could I get her phone number? - Give him the number, david.
- That's a bad idea.
She was really, really mad.
- Yeah, she was yelling and screaming And digging her nails into his back.
- Well, I'm so sorry.
Let me buy you a beer.
We'll call it a late lunch.
david got laid by the bingo lady david got laid by the bingo lady david got laid-- - Stop it.
Will you stop it? - David! What luck.
Look who I found.
It's susan.
- How are you? - Hi, david.
- She's not mad at me at all.
I don't know what you said to her, but it really worked.
- He's very calming.
- Oh, my gosh.
Hi.
- Oh, my god.
Hi.
- Oh, I see you met my mom.
- Bingo.