Retrograde (2020) s01e01 Episode Script
Farewell
1
Right now, now
Now
Right now
Soon the Earth
may dissolve like smoke
We'll meet again in the air
All bound to glow
Now
Now
Right now
Now
Right ♪
(ELECTRONIC BLEEP)
Mm, late capitalism!
And the rest of it.
Well, I don't care
if this ship is sinking,
so long as someone goes down on me!
(GASPS) Oh, hi!
Hi!
Although I think we mean "bye"!
OK, so that's where we're at?
Sashay away? Or shantay, you stay?
Oh, I am going. I'm going.
I leave tomorrow.
Ow!
Aw!
Takes more than a pesky pandemic
to shut you down.
Where are you?
Oh, he's getting me toilet paper.
I'm TRYING to get us
some toilet paper.
So far, I've been
to three Coles, one IGA.
This is the worst episode
of Supermarket Sweep ever.
Poor Soph. You OK?
Yeah.
Immune-compromised and killing it.
Have you finished your packing?
Well, I'm very bad at it.
So, you know,
I can't have a big night.
Lies! If you're not throwing up
on the flight tomorrow,
I'll consider this a fail.
Yeah, I'm pretty surprised
they're letting you go.
They can't stop people
from travelling.
Yeah, but have you been
listening to the news?
Maddie's brain's been
on airplane mode.
Mm, can we just stop talking about
this corona thing for one second
and please celebrate the fact
that I'm going to Korea?
Korea!
Korea! ♪
This time tomorrow, I'm gonna be
sitting in my very own office,
eating a bibimbap like a boss bitch.
I can't believe they're trusting you
with an office.
(LAUGHS) I can't believe
you're smoking inside.
How 2009 of me.
But after the fire
in the kitchen, girl?
"Kitchen" is an aggressive word,
and I wouldn't call it a fire.
Just a minor combustion?
How's Liza gonna live
without you, hm?
She asked me to do all this stuff
in the house before I go,
like, "Defrost the fridge,
"pick out your hairs
from the drain of the shower."
What the fuck?
Ugh, gross!
Hey, where's Rob?
Oh, girl, catch up!
They're over! Whoo!
Uh, well, not entirely, um
No, I thought you were doing
long-distance, Maddie.
Madhuri Mishra
..you did break up with him
last night, didn't you?
Well, I mean, you know,
"long-distance" is like
a polite break-up.
No!
No.
You don't see each other. Sometimes,
you call, the occasional email.
It's break-up-ish.
No "ish".
Fizzle, not a bang.
Not a thing, OK?
Do it before you leave.
Don't be a pussy.
Uh, Rams, it's 2020.
You can't call someone that.
Oh, wait, why are you being a pussy?
Uh, he wants me to break up
with Rob before I go.
Oh, I thought you were doing
the long-distance fizzle thing.
Thank you! Presenting to you Isabel.
Not a thing, OK?
What are you gonna do?
Fuck three times on FaceTime
and then ghost him?
Oh, you know, maybe.
Sounds like a good play.
Oh, hi. Hi, Glenn.
Everyone, this is Glenn, my boss.
Hey.
CHILD: Mummy!
Boss, this is everyone.
Oh, the neoliberal poobah
who sacked an entire department
and called it
the Valentine's Day Massacre.
Mm-hm!
Creative destruction.
This is impressive, Maddie.
CHILD: Play with me.
Using just initiative, you built an
online bar for these strange times.
Glenn, please don't say,
"Strange times."
Sorry. Arlo!
Very impressive.
Relationships manager by day,
side hustling as a coder by night.
I mean, I didn't code it.
No, no, she's a regular Turing.
Test her.
Mm.
You should sell this
to Google, Maddie.
Mm, and maybe
you should call it Zoom.
OK, I'm gonna count to three.
That's one
You should take this to market.
I'm serious.
You know, this is exactly the kind
of ask-for-forgiveness-
not-permission attitude
we're gonna miss
when you're in Seoul.
Oh, I Sorry. That's two!
Sorry, guys.
Uh what happens at three?
Oh, she waterboards him.
Whatever it takes.
Look, I'm just glad that we were
able to have a virtual farewell
and that the government hasn't
regulated us out of that yet.
Oh, fuck!
What?
(GASPS) No tempeh!
It's the end times.
It's bullshit.
I mean, where did the whole bushfire
"let's look after
each other" shit go?
Don't worry about it. You know,
I've got enough for tonight.
No, I'm not gonna stand by
while you wipe your arse
with a KFC refresher towel!
I gonna try Aldi.
Yeah.
But please don't touch anything.
Nah, don't worry about corona.
Only affects boomers
and sick people.
And who needs
the sick people, right?
Exactly.
Survival of the fittest.
Speaking of which,
let's get into this.
I made a video.
No, no, no! We said no speeches.
Amazing.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
We meet here at this
..this online bar
..in an hour of change
and challenge
..in a decade of hope and fear
Hang on, is he plagiarising
JFK's moon speech?
What's the moon speech?
Well, it would this.
No, but this is his TEDx speech.
(ELECTRONIC BLEEP)
If not now, when the fuck?
And, Maddie, why choose to branch
out into the East Asian market?
Why choose to send you,
our brightest
and most brilliant spark,
to South Korea
to be the partnerships manager
for one of the finest travel
start-ups the world has yet to see?
We choose to go to the moon,
not because it's easy
There it is.
..but because it's hard.
So, let's go.
But let's go off own steam, OK?
No government regulators holding
my dick or your dick in their hands.
We're not fucking babies.
OK, thanks, Glenn
Don't need our mums to braid
our hair. No fucking handouts!
No.
Right?
Nothing is gonna stop
entrepreneurs like us
from holding our dicks in our hands,
especially not old people.
These fucking boomers.
Maddie?
Yep.
This is your golden ticket, OK?
Do not Veruca Salt this.
That's a Willy Wonka reference.
Fuck, Ramsay's gonna be so pissed
that he missed this.
No, no, it's OK.
I'll send you my TEDx video.
It's all there.
Oh, yes.
Oh, wait.
Yes, please.
Sorry. Hang on, I gotta take this.
It's Singapore.
(MOCKINGLY) "Sorry, I gotta
take this. It's Singapore."
(LAUGHS) Look.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Maddie?
Yes?
Are you and Rob really over?
Uh
I don't know.
I don't know what I want.
Oh, I know what I want.
I wanna fuck a fully grown man.
Yes, you do.
Oh, hang on.
Why is your boss wearing no pants?
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, because it is Glenn.
But Rob, you know, he's such
a nice guy. Is that the problem?
(TRILLS)
No, she's got the ick.
I don't have the ick.
OK.
You broke out in hives
when he suggested
you bundle your phones
into a family plan.
That was an allergic reaction
to my toner.
OK, let's be honest. He's a rebound
that overstayed his welcome.
No, that's not true.
I mean, we've been dating for a year.
Rebounds are, by definition,
very little.
Yeah, OK, so, why don't you do
long-distance?
I mean, if I have listen
to one more episode of The Daily
What the fuck's The Daily?
Oh, it's Rob's favourite podcast.
Are you serious?
Hi, I'm Michael Barbaro.
Ugh, he's just so,
like, consistent
..and kind, actually.
So, not like Dylan?
Uh
Fuck Dylan.
And his daughter, Maya.
She is fuckin' crazy.
The other day, I woke up
as she was spitting on my face,
like actual saliva
in my actual eyeball
and some weird
'We Need to Talk About Kevin' shit.
But she's a child.
She's a dictator.
She's a mini Mussolini.
She hates me. She just hates me.
Well, she doesn't hate you.
She probably hates you.
Thank you.
Is!
What?!
OK, look, you just you don't
really have a kid vibe, Mads.
CHILD: Mum!
Oh, my God!
OK, that is it.
(CHILD CRIES)
Sorry, guys. Bedtime.
(LAUGHS) OK, just
But don't wait until
the fuckin' airport, OK?
That's gonna really fuck up
our WhatsApp group.
I get the WhatsApp group
in the break-up, thank you very much.
Yeah, well, I'll make
that decision later.
OK?
Fuck!
(LAUGHS)
Glenn?
Your phone's broken, mate.
Is everything alright?
Hey, Glenn?
Hey, what's happening, boss?
Singapore just closed
our Austro-Asia branch.
They're spooked about corona.
Oh, fuck, the boomers
and the sick people,
they're ruining this for everyone!
Exactly. Goddamn it!
Yeah, but what about Korea?
Like, we're still good in Korea,
right?
Oh, I'm sorry. We're fucked.
They're pausing
all operations in Asia.
But, Glenn, you know,
we shouldn't just give up.
Like, what about the moon? You said
we were going to the moon.
Yeah, that shuttle has sailed.
(INHALES DEEPLY) OK, well, uh
..I better go ask HR
to fire 43 people
before I have to tell them
they don't have jobs anymore.
Hey, Maddie, um
..huge favour.
Do you think you could, um
Fuck off, Glenn.
(KEYBOARD KEYS CLACK)
(ELECTRONIC BLEEP)
He fired her? That's so fucked up.
How you going?
I'm golden.
Mm.
Totally golden.
Wait, so, are you still
going to Korea?
Ooh Just ask Liza
if you can stay.
Don't mention the fire!
It wasn't a fucking fire, OK?
OK. When do you have to move out?
Tomorrow.
Do you know what?
I'm just gonna call Liza.
She loves me.
And that chick that's moving in,
the German one,
she plays the trumpet, so
Cool. Well, just tell her
you'll up the rent by 10%.
Dude, she just lost her job.
Oh, yeah.
Hmm
(RING TONE)
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Contender Maddie
steps up for the fight of her life.
(LAUGHS)
(SCOTTISH ACCENT)
Settling quickly into a rhythm
Oh, there we go,
complimentary laugh.
Classic Maddie move.
Who can say she doesn't have
great technique?
There may be some off-field issues
that may come back
to haunt her today.
The "we did not call it a fire"
house fire penalty.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
And how will she navigate this
extremely competitive rental market?
Oof.
(ELECTRONIC BEEP)
Well, that looked, um
you know, constructive.
Oh, it was.
We're not compatible.
Well, why don't you just ask
if you can stay with Rob?
No!
Vote Rob off the island already!
No, Rob has, uh his house is like
pretty much
a Grand Designs wet dream.
Ugh, fuck the patriarchy!
Oh, yes, lean in, Sheryl Sandberg.
You know what?
I'm gonna be fine.
That's right.
I'm gonna work this out.
It's gonna be fine.
Yep, totally.
Yep.
Maddie?
You got this.
Maddie, can you hear me?
Dad?
Ah-ha-ha-ha! Madhuri!
Dad, where are you?
Your mother and I are on
our coastal jaunt.
Look, first stop, Batemans Bay.
It's lovely, huh?
Very beautiful, very nice.
Well, Dad, have you been watching
the news recently?
When are you flying out?
Is it today, tomorrow?
Your mother can't remember anything.
It was tomorrow.
What is it, Madhuri?
Articulate. (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE)
Tell me.
The job is not going ahead.
Oh, no.
I told you, no?
I told you she would Maddie this up.
I didn't Maddie this up!
It's a global pandemic!
Yes, yes, it's always something,
always something.
What was it
when you dropped economics?
Oh, I don't know, an aha moment.
Aha moment.
And then when you went off
to bloody Brisbane
Coming of age?
Dad, this is really not my fault.
No, no, never your fault.
It's really not.
Oh, Ramsay, is that you?
Hi, Vijay.
Oh, the extra weight
really suits you, Ramsay.
It's very nice. How is your mother's
treatment coming along?
Yeah, she's fine. Thank you.
Oh, very good, very good.
OK, Dad, I'm gonna have to come
and stay with you guys
until this whole corona thing
blows over.
Oh, Maddie, you know
we love it when you come home.
We love it.
Great.
But you can't.
We've given the house out on Airbnb.
What?
Six months!
Yes, nice Norwegian couple.
Listen, both women. (CHUCKLES)
Ooh, risque.
What are you even talking about?
Madhuri, do you ever read our texts?
Your mother and I are
on the road until August.
We wanted to get out here
and spread out wings
and rub shoulders with the locals.
Mind you, yesterday we had
the worst oyster Kilpatrick
Vijay, you're breaking up.
Even a local cafe has to have
a minimum standard, doesn't it?
You see, I'll give them
a blistering, blistering Yelp re
OK.
I am going to get my cards
because we need to do a reading.
First they came for the two-ply,
and we did nothing.
But what are they
going to DO with it?
You know, like, eat it?
Fuck.
OK.
So, everybody, close your eyes.
(LAUGHTER IN THE BACKGROUND)
Think positive thoughts.
Think of a beam of light.
Will you guys shut the fuck up?!
Arlo is sleeping!
So, think of the beam of light
coming out of your head.
You're walking on the beam
Oh, shit.
Morrison's announced a lockdown.
Am I still walking
on the beam of light?
ScoMo's speech,
that does not even make sense.
What, five people to a wedding,
but 10 people can go for a run?
What does that even mean?
It means we're all fucked.
Arggh!
I feel like my life is packed away
No, I'm packed away
in one of these boxes,
and no-one knows where to find me.
OK, today has been bad enough.
We do NOT need to add
a spoken-word component.
Oh, shit. What about the bar?
Oh, yeah, we've still got the bar.
No, my bar where I work.
How will I pay rent?
OK, Rams, everybody,
let's just do the tarot reading
because, you know,
maybe the universe
is trying to tell us something.
Why didn't the universe
predict this clusterfuck?
You know what, maybe we need
a system where we pay people
to find out about the news
and then they tell us about it,
and we could call it "the news".
Are we ready?
I'm ready.
Alright, I'm gonna pop
into the bar.
Soph, I'll check
if they have any TP left.
Thank you.
OK, so, think positive thoughts.
Think about the card.
The universe always has a reason.
OK.
Isabel!
(LAUGHS)
It's OK, because death can
often signify new beginning
Look, I'm not a believer,
but that was strangely accurate.
If Mother Universe
doesn't wanna cooperate,
it is time to turn
to pharmaceuticals.
Ooh, yeah. Zoloft?
Paxin.
Valium?
Maddie, can you hear me?
Can't see you. I'm on my phone.
Maddie?
Uh
I can hear you and see you.
Um, sorry. It was crazy today.
I missed your calls and, um
Yeah, I'm not going
to Korea anymore.
Yeah, I heard ScoMo's speech.
Right, yeah.
This sucks.
Um
So, I was, um thinking
that you and I should, um
you know
..maybe we could
..level up
level up in our relationship.
Success!
Who's that?
No, nothing.
That was just a YouTube video
playing. That's weird.
(SIGHS)
But like I was saying, you know,
all these people might die, right?
I mean, did you hear
that podcast about Italy?
I sent that to you.
Did you listen to it?
Well, no, but apparently things
are very, very bad over there.
You know, this corona thing
has really put things in perspective.
So, what are you saying, Mads?
I think we should move in together.
Well, I think
I should move in with you
'cause you're so consistent
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
..and you've got a really big house
and all that smart house stuff set up
and the weighted blankets.
And you have room for Maya.
I thought you found
the Maya stuff hard.
I do, I do.
I mean, but that's OK, you know.
Because
..you can coach me,
can't you, Coach?
Right.
To be honest,
I thought we were doing
the long-distance,
fizzle-out break-up.
(RAMSAY AND SOPHIE ARE MUTED)
Uh, no, I would never ever
do that to you.
Maddie, look, the reality is
I have to put Maya first.
Just you sleeping over,
that was a huge thing.
So, if you move in,
we have to make it work.
Yeah, of course. I'll make it work.
Are you sure you want this?
All I want is to listen to The Daily
in bed with you tonight.
Ooh, are you propositioning me?
Oh, you know, little threesome
with you, me, and Michael
..Barbaro.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
I can't believe I'm actually
gonna say this, but, um
..maybe we could even look into
bundling our phone plans.
Really? 'Cause that's gonna
double our data.
(LAUGHS)
I mean
..I'm in, if you're really in.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm in.
Alright, then,
let's throw in together.
Are you packed? I'll see you soon.
I'm just on the Story Bridge.
Yes!
Hey, you do not not wanna be
isolating alone.
You know, consistent,
that's A+ in this pandemic.
B- at best.
You are gonna regret this
in the morning.
Oh, you know what?
Rob's great. He's great.
He's absolutely
He's great.
Who's Rob?
(GASPS)
Dylan?
Am I having an acid flashback?
Yo!
Hello to you, too.
Yes, Dildo!
Finally, some good news!
What the fuck are you doing here?
I'm just enjoying a crisp London
pandemic with some old friends.
Well, and how did you
find out about us?
Ramsay sent it to me
in the WhatsApp chat.
And then, couple of nights later,
I had a dream about Dreiber Street,
and I couldn't stop thinking
about you guys, so
Oh, really? And did you pay rent
in this dream?
Or was it a bit more true-to-life?
Uncool. Australia's
least favourite vagetarian.
Ah, slow your roll, straight boy.
She goes by "lesbetarian" now.
Right, well, Sophie wasn't in it.
It was just me and Madhuri.
And the whole place was underwater
and we were swimming
through the hallways
and into the rooms.
And your old cat was in it.
What was Oh, far out.
The one that died?
Persia.
Persia. That's right.
So, she was swimming
in front of us
up and down the stairs
and all over the place.
And then she took a massive shit
in the water,
but we just kept on swimming
right through it.
And then, for some reason,
we started eating that shit.
Mm-hm.
And then I woke up.
(LAUGHS)
You're a fuckwit.
Well, ghost cat shit or not,
uh Dreiber Street reunion!
Whoo! Virtual share house! Ahh!
Uh, no, get that out
of your virtual fucking mind.
So, look,
I'm just outside your house,
so I'm gonna drop your toilet
tickets downstairs, alright?
(MADDIE LAUGHS)
Thank you.
Hi.
Hi.
Rough day?
Uh something like that.
Mm.
Well, you'll be OK, kid.
Ugh, OK, so
Dylan!
Oh
..the death card.
Turn the radio on
Drop a long kong song
When the lights come on
We slay the beast and we eat
It's not about you
I'mma kick
your arse
I'mma kick
your arse
I'mma kick
your arse
If you don't
drop the facade
I said I'll hit
the mark on the head
I said I'll bring you back
from the dead
I did all that
while you were in bed
And still had time
To set the next trend
It's not about you
Shut up!
It's not about me either
I am my sister's keeper. ♪
Right now, now
Now
Right now
Soon the Earth
may dissolve like smoke
We'll meet again in the air
All bound to glow
Now
Now
Right now
Now
Right ♪
(ELECTRONIC BLEEP)
Mm, late capitalism!
And the rest of it.
Well, I don't care
if this ship is sinking,
so long as someone goes down on me!
(GASPS) Oh, hi!
Hi!
Although I think we mean "bye"!
OK, so that's where we're at?
Sashay away? Or shantay, you stay?
Oh, I am going. I'm going.
I leave tomorrow.
Ow!
Aw!
Takes more than a pesky pandemic
to shut you down.
Where are you?
Oh, he's getting me toilet paper.
I'm TRYING to get us
some toilet paper.
So far, I've been
to three Coles, one IGA.
This is the worst episode
of Supermarket Sweep ever.
Poor Soph. You OK?
Yeah.
Immune-compromised and killing it.
Have you finished your packing?
Well, I'm very bad at it.
So, you know,
I can't have a big night.
Lies! If you're not throwing up
on the flight tomorrow,
I'll consider this a fail.
Yeah, I'm pretty surprised
they're letting you go.
They can't stop people
from travelling.
Yeah, but have you been
listening to the news?
Maddie's brain's been
on airplane mode.
Mm, can we just stop talking about
this corona thing for one second
and please celebrate the fact
that I'm going to Korea?
Korea!
Korea! ♪
This time tomorrow, I'm gonna be
sitting in my very own office,
eating a bibimbap like a boss bitch.
I can't believe they're trusting you
with an office.
(LAUGHS) I can't believe
you're smoking inside.
How 2009 of me.
But after the fire
in the kitchen, girl?
"Kitchen" is an aggressive word,
and I wouldn't call it a fire.
Just a minor combustion?
How's Liza gonna live
without you, hm?
She asked me to do all this stuff
in the house before I go,
like, "Defrost the fridge,
"pick out your hairs
from the drain of the shower."
What the fuck?
Ugh, gross!
Hey, where's Rob?
Oh, girl, catch up!
They're over! Whoo!
Uh, well, not entirely, um
No, I thought you were doing
long-distance, Maddie.
Madhuri Mishra
..you did break up with him
last night, didn't you?
Well, I mean, you know,
"long-distance" is like
a polite break-up.
No!
No.
You don't see each other. Sometimes,
you call, the occasional email.
It's break-up-ish.
No "ish".
Fizzle, not a bang.
Not a thing, OK?
Do it before you leave.
Don't be a pussy.
Uh, Rams, it's 2020.
You can't call someone that.
Oh, wait, why are you being a pussy?
Uh, he wants me to break up
with Rob before I go.
Oh, I thought you were doing
the long-distance fizzle thing.
Thank you! Presenting to you Isabel.
Not a thing, OK?
What are you gonna do?
Fuck three times on FaceTime
and then ghost him?
Oh, you know, maybe.
Sounds like a good play.
Oh, hi. Hi, Glenn.
Everyone, this is Glenn, my boss.
Hey.
CHILD: Mummy!
Boss, this is everyone.
Oh, the neoliberal poobah
who sacked an entire department
and called it
the Valentine's Day Massacre.
Mm-hm!
Creative destruction.
This is impressive, Maddie.
CHILD: Play with me.
Using just initiative, you built an
online bar for these strange times.
Glenn, please don't say,
"Strange times."
Sorry. Arlo!
Very impressive.
Relationships manager by day,
side hustling as a coder by night.
I mean, I didn't code it.
No, no, she's a regular Turing.
Test her.
Mm.
You should sell this
to Google, Maddie.
Mm, and maybe
you should call it Zoom.
OK, I'm gonna count to three.
That's one
You should take this to market.
I'm serious.
You know, this is exactly the kind
of ask-for-forgiveness-
not-permission attitude
we're gonna miss
when you're in Seoul.
Oh, I Sorry. That's two!
Sorry, guys.
Uh what happens at three?
Oh, she waterboards him.
Whatever it takes.
Look, I'm just glad that we were
able to have a virtual farewell
and that the government hasn't
regulated us out of that yet.
Oh, fuck!
What?
(GASPS) No tempeh!
It's the end times.
It's bullshit.
I mean, where did the whole bushfire
"let's look after
each other" shit go?
Don't worry about it. You know,
I've got enough for tonight.
No, I'm not gonna stand by
while you wipe your arse
with a KFC refresher towel!
I gonna try Aldi.
Yeah.
But please don't touch anything.
Nah, don't worry about corona.
Only affects boomers
and sick people.
And who needs
the sick people, right?
Exactly.
Survival of the fittest.
Speaking of which,
let's get into this.
I made a video.
No, no, no! We said no speeches.
Amazing.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
We meet here at this
..this online bar
..in an hour of change
and challenge
..in a decade of hope and fear
Hang on, is he plagiarising
JFK's moon speech?
What's the moon speech?
Well, it would this.
No, but this is his TEDx speech.
(ELECTRONIC BLEEP)
If not now, when the fuck?
And, Maddie, why choose to branch
out into the East Asian market?
Why choose to send you,
our brightest
and most brilliant spark,
to South Korea
to be the partnerships manager
for one of the finest travel
start-ups the world has yet to see?
We choose to go to the moon,
not because it's easy
There it is.
..but because it's hard.
So, let's go.
But let's go off own steam, OK?
No government regulators holding
my dick or your dick in their hands.
We're not fucking babies.
OK, thanks, Glenn
Don't need our mums to braid
our hair. No fucking handouts!
No.
Right?
Nothing is gonna stop
entrepreneurs like us
from holding our dicks in our hands,
especially not old people.
These fucking boomers.
Maddie?
Yep.
This is your golden ticket, OK?
Do not Veruca Salt this.
That's a Willy Wonka reference.
Fuck, Ramsay's gonna be so pissed
that he missed this.
No, no, it's OK.
I'll send you my TEDx video.
It's all there.
Oh, yes.
Oh, wait.
Yes, please.
Sorry. Hang on, I gotta take this.
It's Singapore.
(MOCKINGLY) "Sorry, I gotta
take this. It's Singapore."
(LAUGHS) Look.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Maddie?
Yes?
Are you and Rob really over?
Uh
I don't know.
I don't know what I want.
Oh, I know what I want.
I wanna fuck a fully grown man.
Yes, you do.
Oh, hang on.
Why is your boss wearing no pants?
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, because it is Glenn.
But Rob, you know, he's such
a nice guy. Is that the problem?
(TRILLS)
No, she's got the ick.
I don't have the ick.
OK.
You broke out in hives
when he suggested
you bundle your phones
into a family plan.
That was an allergic reaction
to my toner.
OK, let's be honest. He's a rebound
that overstayed his welcome.
No, that's not true.
I mean, we've been dating for a year.
Rebounds are, by definition,
very little.
Yeah, OK, so, why don't you do
long-distance?
I mean, if I have listen
to one more episode of The Daily
What the fuck's The Daily?
Oh, it's Rob's favourite podcast.
Are you serious?
Hi, I'm Michael Barbaro.
Ugh, he's just so,
like, consistent
..and kind, actually.
So, not like Dylan?
Uh
Fuck Dylan.
And his daughter, Maya.
She is fuckin' crazy.
The other day, I woke up
as she was spitting on my face,
like actual saliva
in my actual eyeball
and some weird
'We Need to Talk About Kevin' shit.
But she's a child.
She's a dictator.
She's a mini Mussolini.
She hates me. She just hates me.
Well, she doesn't hate you.
She probably hates you.
Thank you.
Is!
What?!
OK, look, you just you don't
really have a kid vibe, Mads.
CHILD: Mum!
Oh, my God!
OK, that is it.
(CHILD CRIES)
Sorry, guys. Bedtime.
(LAUGHS) OK, just
But don't wait until
the fuckin' airport, OK?
That's gonna really fuck up
our WhatsApp group.
I get the WhatsApp group
in the break-up, thank you very much.
Yeah, well, I'll make
that decision later.
OK?
Fuck!
(LAUGHS)
Glenn?
Your phone's broken, mate.
Is everything alright?
Hey, Glenn?
Hey, what's happening, boss?
Singapore just closed
our Austro-Asia branch.
They're spooked about corona.
Oh, fuck, the boomers
and the sick people,
they're ruining this for everyone!
Exactly. Goddamn it!
Yeah, but what about Korea?
Like, we're still good in Korea,
right?
Oh, I'm sorry. We're fucked.
They're pausing
all operations in Asia.
But, Glenn, you know,
we shouldn't just give up.
Like, what about the moon? You said
we were going to the moon.
Yeah, that shuttle has sailed.
(INHALES DEEPLY) OK, well, uh
..I better go ask HR
to fire 43 people
before I have to tell them
they don't have jobs anymore.
Hey, Maddie, um
..huge favour.
Do you think you could, um
Fuck off, Glenn.
(KEYBOARD KEYS CLACK)
(ELECTRONIC BLEEP)
He fired her? That's so fucked up.
How you going?
I'm golden.
Mm.
Totally golden.
Wait, so, are you still
going to Korea?
Ooh Just ask Liza
if you can stay.
Don't mention the fire!
It wasn't a fucking fire, OK?
OK. When do you have to move out?
Tomorrow.
Do you know what?
I'm just gonna call Liza.
She loves me.
And that chick that's moving in,
the German one,
she plays the trumpet, so
Cool. Well, just tell her
you'll up the rent by 10%.
Dude, she just lost her job.
Oh, yeah.
Hmm
(RING TONE)
(SCOTTISH ACCENT) Contender Maddie
steps up for the fight of her life.
(LAUGHS)
(SCOTTISH ACCENT)
Settling quickly into a rhythm
Oh, there we go,
complimentary laugh.
Classic Maddie move.
Who can say she doesn't have
great technique?
There may be some off-field issues
that may come back
to haunt her today.
The "we did not call it a fire"
house fire penalty.
(ALL CHUCKLE)
And how will she navigate this
extremely competitive rental market?
Oof.
(ELECTRONIC BEEP)
Well, that looked, um
you know, constructive.
Oh, it was.
We're not compatible.
Well, why don't you just ask
if you can stay with Rob?
No!
Vote Rob off the island already!
No, Rob has, uh his house is like
pretty much
a Grand Designs wet dream.
Ugh, fuck the patriarchy!
Oh, yes, lean in, Sheryl Sandberg.
You know what?
I'm gonna be fine.
That's right.
I'm gonna work this out.
It's gonna be fine.
Yep, totally.
Yep.
Maddie?
You got this.
Maddie, can you hear me?
Dad?
Ah-ha-ha-ha! Madhuri!
Dad, where are you?
Your mother and I are on
our coastal jaunt.
Look, first stop, Batemans Bay.
It's lovely, huh?
Very beautiful, very nice.
Well, Dad, have you been watching
the news recently?
When are you flying out?
Is it today, tomorrow?
Your mother can't remember anything.
It was tomorrow.
What is it, Madhuri?
Articulate. (SPEAKS NATIVE LANGUAGE)
Tell me.
The job is not going ahead.
Oh, no.
I told you, no?
I told you she would Maddie this up.
I didn't Maddie this up!
It's a global pandemic!
Yes, yes, it's always something,
always something.
What was it
when you dropped economics?
Oh, I don't know, an aha moment.
Aha moment.
And then when you went off
to bloody Brisbane
Coming of age?
Dad, this is really not my fault.
No, no, never your fault.
It's really not.
Oh, Ramsay, is that you?
Hi, Vijay.
Oh, the extra weight
really suits you, Ramsay.
It's very nice. How is your mother's
treatment coming along?
Yeah, she's fine. Thank you.
Oh, very good, very good.
OK, Dad, I'm gonna have to come
and stay with you guys
until this whole corona thing
blows over.
Oh, Maddie, you know
we love it when you come home.
We love it.
Great.
But you can't.
We've given the house out on Airbnb.
What?
Six months!
Yes, nice Norwegian couple.
Listen, both women. (CHUCKLES)
Ooh, risque.
What are you even talking about?
Madhuri, do you ever read our texts?
Your mother and I are
on the road until August.
We wanted to get out here
and spread out wings
and rub shoulders with the locals.
Mind you, yesterday we had
the worst oyster Kilpatrick
Vijay, you're breaking up.
Even a local cafe has to have
a minimum standard, doesn't it?
You see, I'll give them
a blistering, blistering Yelp re
OK.
I am going to get my cards
because we need to do a reading.
First they came for the two-ply,
and we did nothing.
But what are they
going to DO with it?
You know, like, eat it?
Fuck.
OK.
So, everybody, close your eyes.
(LAUGHTER IN THE BACKGROUND)
Think positive thoughts.
Think of a beam of light.
Will you guys shut the fuck up?!
Arlo is sleeping!
So, think of the beam of light
coming out of your head.
You're walking on the beam
Oh, shit.
Morrison's announced a lockdown.
Am I still walking
on the beam of light?
ScoMo's speech,
that does not even make sense.
What, five people to a wedding,
but 10 people can go for a run?
What does that even mean?
It means we're all fucked.
Arggh!
I feel like my life is packed away
No, I'm packed away
in one of these boxes,
and no-one knows where to find me.
OK, today has been bad enough.
We do NOT need to add
a spoken-word component.
Oh, shit. What about the bar?
Oh, yeah, we've still got the bar.
No, my bar where I work.
How will I pay rent?
OK, Rams, everybody,
let's just do the tarot reading
because, you know,
maybe the universe
is trying to tell us something.
Why didn't the universe
predict this clusterfuck?
You know what, maybe we need
a system where we pay people
to find out about the news
and then they tell us about it,
and we could call it "the news".
Are we ready?
I'm ready.
Alright, I'm gonna pop
into the bar.
Soph, I'll check
if they have any TP left.
Thank you.
OK, so, think positive thoughts.
Think about the card.
The universe always has a reason.
OK.
Isabel!
(LAUGHS)
It's OK, because death can
often signify new beginning
Look, I'm not a believer,
but that was strangely accurate.
If Mother Universe
doesn't wanna cooperate,
it is time to turn
to pharmaceuticals.
Ooh, yeah. Zoloft?
Paxin.
Valium?
Maddie, can you hear me?
Can't see you. I'm on my phone.
Maddie?
Uh
I can hear you and see you.
Um, sorry. It was crazy today.
I missed your calls and, um
Yeah, I'm not going
to Korea anymore.
Yeah, I heard ScoMo's speech.
Right, yeah.
This sucks.
Um
So, I was, um thinking
that you and I should, um
you know
..maybe we could
..level up
level up in our relationship.
Success!
Who's that?
No, nothing.
That was just a YouTube video
playing. That's weird.
(SIGHS)
But like I was saying, you know,
all these people might die, right?
I mean, did you hear
that podcast about Italy?
I sent that to you.
Did you listen to it?
Well, no, but apparently things
are very, very bad over there.
You know, this corona thing
has really put things in perspective.
So, what are you saying, Mads?
I think we should move in together.
Well, I think
I should move in with you
'cause you're so consistent
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
..and you've got a really big house
and all that smart house stuff set up
and the weighted blankets.
And you have room for Maya.
I thought you found
the Maya stuff hard.
I do, I do.
I mean, but that's OK, you know.
Because
..you can coach me,
can't you, Coach?
Right.
To be honest,
I thought we were doing
the long-distance,
fizzle-out break-up.
(RAMSAY AND SOPHIE ARE MUTED)
Uh, no, I would never ever
do that to you.
Maddie, look, the reality is
I have to put Maya first.
Just you sleeping over,
that was a huge thing.
So, if you move in,
we have to make it work.
Yeah, of course. I'll make it work.
Are you sure you want this?
All I want is to listen to The Daily
in bed with you tonight.
Ooh, are you propositioning me?
Oh, you know, little threesome
with you, me, and Michael
..Barbaro.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
I can't believe I'm actually
gonna say this, but, um
..maybe we could even look into
bundling our phone plans.
Really? 'Cause that's gonna
double our data.
(LAUGHS)
I mean
..I'm in, if you're really in.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm in.
Alright, then,
let's throw in together.
Are you packed? I'll see you soon.
I'm just on the Story Bridge.
Yes!
Hey, you do not not wanna be
isolating alone.
You know, consistent,
that's A+ in this pandemic.
B- at best.
You are gonna regret this
in the morning.
Oh, you know what?
Rob's great. He's great.
He's absolutely
He's great.
Who's Rob?
(GASPS)
Dylan?
Am I having an acid flashback?
Yo!
Hello to you, too.
Yes, Dildo!
Finally, some good news!
What the fuck are you doing here?
I'm just enjoying a crisp London
pandemic with some old friends.
Well, and how did you
find out about us?
Ramsay sent it to me
in the WhatsApp chat.
And then, couple of nights later,
I had a dream about Dreiber Street,
and I couldn't stop thinking
about you guys, so
Oh, really? And did you pay rent
in this dream?
Or was it a bit more true-to-life?
Uncool. Australia's
least favourite vagetarian.
Ah, slow your roll, straight boy.
She goes by "lesbetarian" now.
Right, well, Sophie wasn't in it.
It was just me and Madhuri.
And the whole place was underwater
and we were swimming
through the hallways
and into the rooms.
And your old cat was in it.
What was Oh, far out.
The one that died?
Persia.
Persia. That's right.
So, she was swimming
in front of us
up and down the stairs
and all over the place.
And then she took a massive shit
in the water,
but we just kept on swimming
right through it.
And then, for some reason,
we started eating that shit.
Mm-hm.
And then I woke up.
(LAUGHS)
You're a fuckwit.
Well, ghost cat shit or not,
uh Dreiber Street reunion!
Whoo! Virtual share house! Ahh!
Uh, no, get that out
of your virtual fucking mind.
So, look,
I'm just outside your house,
so I'm gonna drop your toilet
tickets downstairs, alright?
(MADDIE LAUGHS)
Thank you.
Hi.
Hi.
Rough day?
Uh something like that.
Mm.
Well, you'll be OK, kid.
Ugh, OK, so
Dylan!
Oh
..the death card.
Turn the radio on
Drop a long kong song
When the lights come on
We slay the beast and we eat
It's not about you
I'mma kick
your arse
I'mma kick
your arse
I'mma kick
your arse
If you don't
drop the facade
I said I'll hit
the mark on the head
I said I'll bring you back
from the dead
I did all that
while you were in bed
And still had time
To set the next trend
It's not about you
Shut up!
It's not about me either
I am my sister's keeper. ♪