Revolting Rhymes (2016) s01e01 Episode Script

(BELL RINGS AS DOOR OPENS) Ooh! By gollykins! Do you mind if I sit down? N No.
Sorry, please don't misunderstand.
I'm just being friendly.
You're, er You're a long way from home.
What brings you here? Oh, I'm waiting to meet an old friend.
What about you, young lady? (SHE GIGGLES) I'm waiting to babysit two adorable kids.
They live just over there.
Oh, you read them fairy stories.
Oh, yes! Oh, they love their story time.
Little Red Riding Hood.
Don't like her.
And Snow White? She's actually a blonde! Sorry? "Happily ever after" (HE GRUNTS) Come on, now, they're just stories.
You know? For children? (SHE CHUCKLES) I don't suppose you have family yourself? Well, had.
I had two nephews Rolf and Rex.
Had? Why? What happened? Well, since you ask once upon a time (HE GROWLS) Flowers! Flowers! Would you like some flowers? Flowers? Very nice flowers.
(SHE SIGHS) - (MAN CLEARS THROAT) - Oh! (SOLDIERS GRUNT) (GIRL SOBS AND SNIFFS) (WHISPERING) Please take one.
(BELL TOLLS) When little Snow White's mother died, the King, her father, up and cried Oh, what a nuisance! What a life! (HE SOBS) Now I must find another wife! It's never easy for a king to find himself that sort of thing.
(CONGREGATION MURMURS) (SNOW WHITE SOBS) Snow White! (PIG GRUNTS AND SNORTS) (PIG GRUNTS THEN SIGHS) Piggy bank! Very good, very good.
The King wrote to each magazine and said I'm looking for a queen.
At least 10,000 girls replied and begged to be the royal bride.
However, in the end he chose a lady called Miss Maclahose.
(THE KING SINGS) Who brought a mirror framed in brass.
Good morning.
A magic, talking, looking glass.
(RED RIDING HOOD GIGGLES) Ask it something, day or night, it always got the answer right.
Aww.
Go on! For instance, if you were to say Oh, Mirror, what's for lunch today? The thing would answer, in a trice Today it's scrambled eggs and rice.
(DOOR CREAKS) There we are.
Din-dins.
(GIRLS LAUGH) Oh, adorable! Now, every day, week in, week out, the spoilt and stupid Queen would shout Oh, Mirror, Mirror on the wall! Who is fairest of them all? The Mirror answered every time Oh, Madame, you're the queen sublime.
You're the only one to charm us.
Queen, you are the cat's pyjamas! For ten whole years, the silly Queen repeated her absurd routine, then suddenly one awful day Hello, Snow White! Hi! Ohh (SHE CHUCKLES) That's very sweet of you.
She heard the magic mirror say From now on, Queen, you're number two.
Snow White is prettier than you.
The Queen went absolutely wild.
She yelled I'm going to scrag that child! I'll cook her flaming goose, I'll skin her! I'll have her rotten guts for dinner! She called the huntsman to her study.
Huntsman! Listen, buddy! You drag that filthy girl outside, and see you take her for a ride! Thereafter, slit her ribs apart, and bring me back the bleeding heart! (HUNTSMAN GULPS) (DOOR CREAKS) (RED RIDING HOOD SIGHS) Thanks, Pig.
(ROLF SNIFFS) - (REX GULPS) - (BIG BAD WOLF GROWLS) (REX WHIMPERS) (BIG BAD WOLF SCOFFS) As soon as Rolf began to feel that he would like a decent meal he went and knocked on Grandma's door.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) When Grandma opened it, she saw The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin! And Rolfie said May I come in? Poor Grandmamma was terrified.
- He's going to eat me up! - She cried.
And she was absolutely right.
He ate her up.
In one big bite.
(WOLF SLURPS) But Grandmamma was small and tough, and Rolfie wailed That's not enough! I haven't yet begun to feel that I have had a decent meal! He ran around the kitchen yelping I've got to have a second helping.
Boo! (THEY LAUGH) This is for you.
(HORSE NEIGHS) (SNOW WHITE GASPS) - Quick! - (SHE PANTS) No! No! Snow White! Help! Help! (RED RIDING HOOD GRUNTS) (HORSE NEIGHS) A-agh! Red! (SNOW WHITE SCREAMS) Red! (HORSE NEIGHS) (DOOR CREAKS) In came the little girl in red.
Grandma.
She stopped.
She stared.
And then she said What great big ears you have, Grandma.
All the better to hear you with.
What great big eyes you have, Grandma.
All the better to see you with.
He stood there watching her, and smiled.
He thought I'm going to eat this child.
But, Grandma, what a lovely great big furry coat you have on.
That's wrong! That's wrong! Have you forgot to tell me what big teeth I've got? Ah, well, no matter what you say, I'm going to eat you anyway.
The small girl smiles, one eyelid flickers.
She whips a pistol from her knickers.
She aims it at the poor boy's head, and bang, bang, bang! (ROLF GROANS) She shoots him dead.
Yes! Sorry.
Fearing the worst, poor Snow White spake.
She cried Oh, please, give me a break! The knife was poised, the arm was strong.
She cried again I've done no wrong! The huntsman's heart began to flutter.
It melted like a pound of butter.
He murmured OK.
Beat it, kid! And you can bet your life she did.
(HUNTSMAN SIGHS) Later, the huntsman made a stop, within the local butcher's shop.
And there he bought, for safety's sake, a bullock's heart and one nice steak.
(HE EXHALES) - Oh, Majesty! Oh, Queen! - He cried.
That rotten little girl has died.
Ooh! - And just to prove I didn't cheat - Hmm? I've brought along these bits of meat.
Then this is the disgusting part, the Queen sat down and ate the heart.
OK, while all of this was going on, where, oh, where had Snow White gone? She found it easy, being pretty, to hitch a ride into the city.
(TYRES SCREECH) And there she got a job, unpaid, as general cook and parlour maid, with seven funny little men, each one not more than three foot ten.
Oh, thanks, love.
Ex-horse race jockeys, all of them.
(HE LAUGHS) Red! Red! A few days later, in the wood, I came across Miss Riding Hood.
But what a change.
No cloak of red.
No silly hood upon her head.
- Hello - She said.
- and do please note, my lovely, furry, wolfskin coat.
And w-what happened to your other nephew? Patience.
(PIGS SNORT) Come in, please.
Please, have two seats.
One each.
How can I help? What, for example, would you say if, strolling through the woods one day, right there in front of you you saw a pig who'd built his house of straw? And here's another house for pigs, and this one will be built of twigs.
(HE SNORTS) Both very promising.
(COINS RATTLE) (PIG CHUCKLES) Very well done.
Bacon, pork and ham? Oh, what a lucky wolf I am! - Hello! - (PIGS SQUEAL) Two juicy little pigs, all right! (HIS BELLY RUMBLES) But still I am not satisfied.
Hmm! (HE LAUGHS) (DOOR CREAKS) (PIG GASPS) (HE SIGHS) (HE CLEARS HIS THROAT) I am sorry, Pig, things aren't pretty.
I'm out of here, off to the city.
I'm moving out of Grandma's shack.
I fear I'll need my savings back.
(HE GULPS) I'm sorry, Red, we're stony broke! Go out and find some wealthy bloke! The Seven Dwarves, though awfully nice, were guilty of one shocking vice.
They squandered all of their resources at the race track backing horses.
When they hadn't backed a winner, none of them got any dinner.
(THEIR BELLIES RUMBLE) One evening, Snow White said Look, here.
I think I've got a great idea.
Just leave it all to me, OK? And no more gambling till I say.
Now, creeping quietly as a mouse, the wolf approached another house.
A house which also had inside a little piggy trying to hide, but this one, Piggy Number Three, was bright and brainy as could be.
No straw for him, no twigs or sticks.
This pig had built his house of bricks.
(BELL RINGS) - You'll not get me! - The piggy cried.
- I'll blow you down! - The wolf replied.
You'll need a lot of puff.
And I don't think you've got enough.
- If I can't blow it down - Rex said.
I'll have to blow it up instead! I'll come back in the dead of night and blow it up with dynamite! Oh, no.
You brute! I might have known! Ooh! Then, picking up the telephone, Pig dialled as quickly as he could the number of Red Riding Hood.
Hello? I need your help, Miss Hood.
Oh, help me, please.
Do you think you could? I know you've dealt with wolves before and now I've got one at my door! - My darling Pig - She said.
- my sweet.
That's something really up my street.
I've just begun to wash my hair, but when it's dry, I'll be right there.
That very night at eventide, young Snow White hitched another ride.
And then, when it was very late, she slipped in through the palace gate.
The footmen and the servants slept, so no-one saw her as she crept (FOOTMEN SNORE) on tiptoe through the mighty hall and grabbed the mirror off the wall.
(QUEEN SNORES) (QUEEN SNORES) (PIG SQUEALS) (PIG SQUEALS) (REX LAUGHS) A short while later, there she stood, notorious Miss Riding Hood.
Rex quickly charged, his eyes ablaze, and yellowish like mayonnaise.
Once more, the maiden's eyelid flickers.
She draws the pistol from her knickers.
Once more she hit the vital spot.
And killed him with a single shot.
Ohhh Pig, peeping through the window, - stood and yelled - Well done, Miss Riding Hood! Entrees vous.
(HE CHUCKLES) Ta-dah! Wow.
Please, have a seat, relax.
Oh, no need to Oh, sorry.
(VAULT DOOR CREAKS) There we are.
Gone.
You didn't see anything.
Er, why don't we put on something - appropriate? - (MUSIC PLAYS) Ooh, baby.
And I've got a rather cheeky little white here, pour Madame! (HE CHUCKLES AND SNIFFS) Very nice.
Oh! Ah, piglet.
You must never trust (CORK SQUEEZES) (BANG) young ladies from the upper crust.
(SHE GASPS THEN LAUGHS) When Snow White brought the mirror home, she told the senior dwarf or gnome Wake up, come on! to ask it what he wished to know.
- Go on! - She whispered.
- Have a go! He said Oh, Mirror, please don't joke.
Each one of us is stony broke.
Which horse will win tomorrow's race? The Ascot Gold Cup Steeplechase? The Mirror whispered sweet and low The horse's name is Mistletoe.
The dwarves went absolutely daft.
(THEY CHEER) They kissed young Snow White fore and aft, then rushed away to raise some dough.
With which to back old Mistletoe.
(MIRROR CLEARS ITS THROAT) Red? Hey.
(RED SOBS) They'd pawned their watches, sold the car, they'd borrowed money near and far.
Guys? Meet Red.
Hello.
For much of it they had to thank the manager of Porkley's Bank.
And now Miss Riding Hood, one notes, not only has two wolfskin coats, but when she goes from place to place, she has a pigskin travelling case.
They bought some ice cream and, of course, for once, they backed the winning horse.
Thereafter, every single day, the Mirror made the bookies pay.
All nine of them each got a share and each was soon a millionaire, which shows that gambling's not a sin.
Provided that you always win.
(SPEECH MUFFLED) (SHE SHOUTS AND BANGS THE DOOR) Hmm (WOLF TUTS AND SIGHS) - Hi, there! - Hi! - Oh, it's you already! Well, I'm still waiting for the baby-sitter.
Mum, don't worry.
I can look after him.
Well, I guess she should be here any minute.
Ugh, Mum! All right, you can read him a story.
Don't open the door for anyone but Miss Hunt.
- OK? Love you.
- Bye, Mum.
Bye, Mum! Are they going to be all right? They'll be absolutely fine (BELL RINGS/DOOR CREAKS) (DOORBELL RINGS)