Rock and Chips (2010) s01e01 Episode Script
Rock & Chips
ALARM CLOCK RINGS '.
.
Atishoo! Atishoo! 'We all fall down.
' Noisy bloody kids.
Joanie, that's the last bit of bread in the house.
I get paid today, I'll do a bit of shopping later.
Do yourself up, Ted, please! Oh, sorry, love.
There's nothing out there for Reg to eat.
That ain't gonna please him.
Well, you're the one eating the last slice of bread.
He's your son, you explain to him.
No, he's always in a mood when he gets out of bed.
I'm keeping out the way, take this up to my room.
'Joan.
'Where are you?' Oh, go back to sleep, Reg, please.
'Joan!' I'm not here? 'Bring us up some tea and toast.
' I've gone to work.
'I want some toast.
' I'm not here.
'Toast!' I've gone to work! 'Toast!' MUSIC: "Rockin' Robin" by Bobby Day Hello, darlin'! MUSIC CONTINUES ON JUKEBOX I remembered the time Boycie bought a round for the whole pub.
Then my alarm went off and I woke up! I'm telling you the truth, Del.
I'm brassic.
You're new here, Denzil, but the most important thing you should know about London is that Boycie is a tight git.
BOYCIE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY I'm not tight! If I had any money I'd buy a round, but I'm nicht a coin and that is no lie.
Jumbo, tell 'im.
Boycie is tighter than Buck Rogers' space helmet.
And that's airtight! Keep the change, cocker.
Tally-bally-ho! So, what's Liverpool like, Denzil? S'all right.
Sorta like London only better.
No, I mean all my family are up there, like.
Me nan and cousins and all that.
I reckon I'll like London, like, once I get used to it.
I've never met anyone called Denzil before.
And you must be the only fella in the world called Trigger.
No, there's a boy down my street called Trigger.
No, that's you, Trig.
Hey, fellas, heads up, look at this! Oh, man, d'you see that?! I bet she's a real goer.
Yeah.
Who is she? That's my mum.
What a Brahma.
Yeah, not bad.
HORN HONKS But after ten years in Dartmoor I'd imagine anything would do you.
Not anything.
I'd rather her than you.
Well, that's eased one of my concerns.
HORN HONKS I wonder what blood group he is! Why don't we just drive on like nice people, eh? So what brought you to London? Me old man got offered a job.
He's working in the docks.
Really? What does he do at the docks? He's a security guard.
Me and Jumbo'll have to pop round and meet your family.
We can tell your dad all about the ancient customs of the London docks.
Yeah, gear, just give us a bit of time to settle in.
Yeah, no hurry.
We'll pop round tonight.
Cor, have a deco.
Oh, now that's a real car, eh? Had your look, boys? We weren't doing nothing, honest.
Just saying "nice motor".
Yeah, my nice motor.
I'll drive a car like this one day.
Well, make sure it ain't this one, otherwise you'll find me playing ping pong with your testicles.
All right, cocker? Away you go.
My Jag'll be faster than yours, cos I'm going to have a red one.
Nothing changes round here, does it? That ape he was with didn't look too happy, did he? I thought he was going to deck you! I'd like to see him try, Jumbo.
BELL RINGS What time do you call this? Do you want to buy a watch, Roy? Bugger off, Slater.
Oh, yeah, typical.
"Bugger off, Slater.
" That's all I ever hear from you lot.
You're new, you should have some respect.
I know I should, but I'm from Liverpool.
Reen, cakes are here.
Oh, there's nothing I like better than a nice bit of iced finger.
Shut up! At least what I fancy's real, look at you, gobbling up all this romantic rubbish.
I can't help having a passionate heart.
And this is not romantic rubbish.
They could make a film out of this.
It's about the French army fighting in Vietnam in the 1950s.
The hero is called Captain Pierre-Luc Fontaine! Ooh, Captain Pierre-Luc Fontaine.
Ooh, you would, wouldn't you? You would! Captain Fontaine is sent to Saigon where he meets this beautiful young Chinese girl called Gloria Ming.
Pierre-Luc is all French and passionate and Gloria Ming is oriental and alluring and they fall in love.
But what with military law and the political situation, they weren't allowed to fraternise with each other.
So they have what is called an affaire de coeur.
What's a coeur? Something you get in France.
You get a lot of things in France.
My brother said he got a dose.
Talking of infections, how's Reg? Same.
Bastard.
Mrs Trotter.
Mr Rayner would like to see you in his office.
Chop-chop.
Oh, not again.
Look, if Rayner comes his old fun and games, give him a slap across the chops.
Oh, yeah, and get the sack.
I can't afford to lose this job, Reg ain't had any work for ages.
But you're still part-time tea lady at the town hall.
Part-time filing clerk who sometimes makes the tea, actually.
But that don't pay the rent and food in my house.
I've got Reg's dad to feed now.
Well, when you go in that office be firm, cos you can guarantee he will.
Where's my torch? D'you know why we have rules in this school? No, go on, Roy, I ain't heard this one.
That's Mr Manley.
He's a bit mad.
He's got a wooden leg so they made him PE instructor.
That's Glenda and Pam.
They can be very helpful to a boy when times get hard, if you know what I mean? Trouble is they like all this beatnik junk, you know, blues music and wine and cheese and things.
Wotcha, Glenda, fancy a bit tonight? Suck a sprout, Trotter.
Oh, that's a shame, you'd have liked it.
What are you lot up to? They've only just come back from lunch, sir.
30 minutes late.
Slater, when is it going to sink into that thick skull of yours? We don't want them here.
You boys should have left school ages ago.
But the Education Department, in their wisdom, introduced some old cobblers about the school leaving age, which means you've all got to stay on another year.
But they failed to notice the plain and simple fact that we haven't got the room or the staff for an extra form.
Like authority everywhere, they make decisions without considering the consequences in the field! Dunkirk! A perfect example of a bureaucratic cock-up.
So, until they address the situation and come up with some new structure, you lot are not wanted here.
Anything to help! Come on.
That goes for you as well, Slater.
But I'm the Register Prefect! Listen to me carefully, son.
You either follow your mates off the premises or I'll take that badge and I'll shove it up your arse! Come on, we'll go over the park.
I'm going nowhere near that pond.
All that "Slater walk the plank" lark.
Don't be stupid, Roy, that was when we were kids.
We're grown-ups now, and grown-ups don't play pirates.
MUSIC: "Dream Lover by Bobby Darin I've been thinking.
Oh(!) The war ended 15 years ago and we spent 10 of them in prison.
I did the ten, you got seven.
Yeah.
But why? We got caught.
No! Well, yeah, we got caught, obviously.
But it goes a lot deeper than that.
We fought for this country, put our lives at risk.
But when the war ended, what thanks did we get? There were no jobs for us, was there? I don't know, I didn't look.
We had no choice but to turn to crime.
You ought to go and get that shrapnel removed.
We was on the thieve long before the war started.
When we blew our first safe, Hitler was clean-shaven.
Yeah, I know.
I'm getting itchy for a bit of action again.
Take your time.
We ain't short of a few quid and we've still got that little job on the coast to do.
Yeah, looking forward to that, nice bit of sea air.
Yeah, but not yet.
Take it from me, Jelly, the Old Bill are watching us.
But give it a month and they'll go and find someone else to annoy.
And that is when we make our move.
Until then we are model citizens, rehabilitated by the system.
God save the Queen.
Now, because you're an old friend, I'm gonna forget you talk a load of bollocks and treat you to a meat pie.
Sweetheart? KNOCK AT DOOR Come.
You wanted to see me, Mr Rayner? Oh, yes, come in, Mrs Trotter.
Your wages, dear.
Thank you.
Now, as you know, Alice Bullman, my erstwhile ice-cream girl hasn't been very well lately, which is why I made you up to be my temporary ice-cream girl.
Sadly, Alice is apparently too sick to return to work.
I didn't realise she was that bad.
What exactly's wrong with her? Something mental.
The good news is I'm thinking Thinking, mind .
.
of making you my permanent ice-cream girl.
Would you like me to do that? Well, yes, thank you.
The ice-cream girl is very important to the image of this cinema.
That's why I have to hold these parade ground inspections.
Army training, you see.
All my staff are essential in their own little ways.
Raymond on cigarettes and confectionery and your friend Reenie on peanuts and popcorn.
But it's the ice-cream girl, with the spotlight beaming down on her, who is the centre of attention.
That button's slightly loose.
Now, the spotlight doesn't suit everyone.
For some it merely highlights their blackheads, but you you You blossom under its silvery glow.
You're like Venus, rising with a tray of Mivvis.
(And there'll be an extra six shillings a week in your wages.
) Thank you.
Right.
Off you go then, Mrs Trotter, first showing in ten minutes.
Thank you! MUSIC: "Dance With Me" by The Drifters Sorry(!) Put Johnny Ray on.
What? Put Johnny Ray on.
Johnny Ray? Yeah, put Johnny Ray on.
Why? Cos he said.
Cos I said.
Put Johnny Ray on.
Put Johnny Ray on.
Put Johnny Ray on.
I don't like Johnny Ray.
I do.
He does.
Everyone likes Johnny Ray.
I like Johnny Ray.
He likes Johnny Ray.
He likes Johnny Ray.
Do you like Johnny Ray? Yeah.
Put Johnny Ray on.
Put Johnny Ray on.
Put Johnny Ray on.
I'll Never Fall in Love Who's this? It's Johnny Ray.
Good choice.
Ladies and gentlemen, there will now be a ten-minute intermission.
Choc-ices, ice-cream tubs and lollies are available in the auditorium.
I say! Ding-dong! WOLF WHISTLE Ooh, Matron! What a set of pins! I like the look of your lollies, darling.
I'd like to get me hands on one of your cones.
Oi! Sorry.
It's that lot from the Dockside Secondary Modern.
Nothing but trouble.
Yes, I recognise you lot from Saturday morning pictures.
THEY JEER I see your manners haven't improved.
Oh, look, it's a talking penguin! If you do not behave, I shall have you removed.
This is your last chance.
Right, that's it.
I've warned you! You've been warned! Raymond! Wind him up again, Raymond! Throw them out! We'll come quietly, Raymond! It's a fair cop! MUSIC: "Red River Rock" by Johnny And The Hurricanes Switch that bloody music off! Switch it off, you mad cow! There you are, Mr Johnson, a nice cup of tea for you.
Thank you, Joan.
And I've got you a couple of chocolate digestives.
I keep them just for my favourite people.
That's very kind of you.
Think nothing of it.
Erm, Mr Johnson.
Mmm? You know the council is building one of these new-fangled high-rise estates down where the old ammunitions factory used to be? Ah yes, The New World Estate.
It's lovely.
Mr Johnson, I was wondering if you could advise me about applying for a flat there.
After all, you're in charge.
You see, me and my family have become very overcrowded since my father-in-law came to live with us.
Him and my teenage son have to share a bedroom.
It's not healthy.
I seriously wouldn't hold out any hope of you qualifying for a tenancy there.
The council are giving preference to people with young children and growing families.
Are you and your husband thinking of having more children? God, no! And as for your father-in-law, the council would take the attitude that he can look after himself.
They don't know him.
Does he have a disability? Sort of, he's useless.
I'm really sorry.
MUSIC: "Poison Ivy" by The Coasters You were right, nothing changes round here.
This is the same as when I was a teenager.
It makes me quite nostalgic.
I robbed it twice.
What can I get you? Two light and bitters.
As you know, when it comes to religion, I've always been something of an agnostic.
But now, Jelly, me old oppo, I'm a believer.
There is a God and he lives in Peckham.
Bless you.
Let's order some chasers.
Remember yesterday I mentioned that little job we want to do down on the coast? The jeweller's in Margate? That's the one.
That girlfriend of yours worked there and gave us all the info.
What has always stopped us from doing it? We're known to the Kent police.
They see you and me down there, what excuse do we make? We're after a tan? Well now we have the perfect excuse for being there.
I doubt they'll even see us, we'll be hidden amongst a party of friends.
See what I mean? Now I know how Moses felt when he saw that burning bush.
Hallelujah and Amen.
Here! Guv'nor, this coach trip of yours 'I don't know what's happening to this country.
' Look at this on the telly, the jockeys have gone on strike.
The jockeys Dad puts his money on went on strike years ago! I know you've got money, you got paid yesterday.
So lend us a couple of quid, just for tonight.
I did get paid yesterday, no thanks to you! Don't you come in my cinema making a scene like that again.
You'll get me the sack.
I was only having a lark.
That's your trouble, Derek, you never know when to stop, you just go on and on and on.
Yeah, that's what all the girls say.
I'm being serious.
Little git! Yeah, I got my wages then I went shopping, paid off a few bills and got this out of pawn.
I'm broke again.
If you've got no money what you getting yourself tarted up for? It's Friday night and my husband said he was taking me out! And I am not getting "tarted up", I'm getting dolled up! Don't have a go at me, Reg.
I've got two jobs on the go trying to feed this family.
The Ritz fleapit and the Town Hall? You flog lollies and make tea.
I'm a part-time filing clerk who sometimes makes the tea! I'd be working if it weren't for my back.
I'm always cutting corners to save a few bob.
I use the same tea leaves three times over, I repair my clothes so I don't have to buy at the shops, I've even taken lights bulbs out to save on electric.
Always got enough money to buy stupid records, ain't you? That's my only pleasure in life, Reg.
A woman's got to have a bit of pleasure in her life, son.
Oh, listen to Jane Austen(!) If you're such an expert, how comes Mum chucked you out? Cutting corners, are you? I'll tell you what, darling, one of these days I'll save you a fortune in eye shadow.
Reggie! What did you just say to her? Del, do what I do, just ignore him.
Keep your nose out, son, that way it won't get broke.
Oh, is that right? There's a yard out there, so come on John Wayne, show me how it's done! Del, leave it, son.
Stay out of it, Grandad.
I can't be bothered with all this.
I'm going to get dressed.
The landlord'll have to put our drinks on the slate.
I've told you time and time again, don't agitate your dad.
I know how far to push him.
I know, I'm sorry.
Just I'd really like to beat him up.
I know, darling, I know.
Look, I got a fiver here.
Go on, take it.
Get yourselves a drink, buy a pint of arsenic for that old sod.
Where did you get that from? Me and Jumbo have been flogging American records.
They come out the docks.
The American sailors bring 'em in and sell 'em to us and we knock 'em out down the market.
Most of these ain't even been released in Britain yet.
Is it legal? Of course.
I wouldn't be doing it otherwise, would I? I might be staying out tonight, so see you tomorrow.
You got a good 'un there, Joanie, love.
Yeah.
What's he mean, he's staying out tonight? Dunno.
Maybe he's going night fishing.
Oh, of course, that would explain the suit and tie and all them rods and maggots he was carrying(!) Night fishing! Well, I think you'll find he's trying to hook something.
BLUES MUSIC PLAYS What's that wine you're drinking? Cheeantee.
Italian.
He loves a mouth organ, don't he? Have you ever listened to Leadbelly before? Yeah! Who's this? This IS Leadbelly! He's great.
Why's he sound so miserable? He was once a slave.
So was Spartacus but he didn't go round playing his harmonica all day long.
Do you hear that? Do you hear what he said? You are so Yeah, you're so You are so So So square.
Yeah, square.
MUSIC: "Delaware" by Perry Como Ain't seen you for ages, Reggie.
I'm in here every night.
I meant round my place.
Well, that's soon cured.
Saturday tomorrow.
I'll tell her I'm going to football.
Be round about three.
I'll be waving me rattle around.
Keep your whistle handy too.
Is Reenie coming in later? She's doing the late film then she's calling in for a nightcap.
Good.
I'm just popping out to the ladies.
Oi, you want to watch yourself with that barmaid.
It's just a harmless bit of flirting.
I'm always very discreet about these things.
Discreet? Ray Charles could see you two were at it.
Do you see who's at the end of the bar? He's aged a bit but I'd recognise him anywhere.
That's Freddie the Frog.
Yeah, that's him all right.
Who's Freddie the Frog? His real name's Freddie Robdal.
He was around these parts years ago, when you were still playing beach cricket on Montego Bay.
Don't remind me, man.
He was one of the best thieves in the country.
Safes, paintings, you name it, Freddie'd nick it.
Then he got caught trying to break into the Bank of England.
The Bank of England? Ssshh.
They put him away for a fair old stretch in Dartmoor.
And the bloke with him is Gerald Kelly, explosives expert.
Jelly Kelly they call him.
Gelignite, you get it? Oh, I see.
You know them well? Oh, yeah, we were good mates.
I'll go and say hello.
So you're back in town, Robdal.
Good.
It's about time you and me settled things once and for all.
You're a stupid bastard, Reg, you're gonna end up in casualty.
Wotcha, Jel? Freddie boy, how's it going me old son? Yeah, good to see you.
Reg.
Reg.
So you had enough of Dartmoor and taking the Hound of the Baskerville for a walk every morning? Last orders! When he closes, we'll get a few bottles of beer and take them round to my place.
Fancy that? No.
We're going on somewhere.
Fair enough.
I'd get you boys a drink but the missus is holding the money.
I'll get you one.
Cheers, Fred, but I'm with me Dad and a friend.
Guv'nor, whatever Reg wants.
Clayton'll have a Navy rum, and me and the old fella'll have a scotch and a splash.
Who is that prick? Don't you remember him? Reg Trotter.
The Trotters! I'd forgotten about that tribe! We'll bring 'em over, Reg.
Cheers, Fred, see you around.
And the invitation's still open if you wanna pop round my drum.
Jel.
Is that the bird we saw yesterday? You know, on the zebra crossing.
I don't know.
Did you get me a drink? No, sorry, I forgot.
I'll get you one, Joan.
It's all right, Clayton, I'll get me own.
Don Don Could I have Don, when you're ready.
What you having, Arthur? Guv'nor.
The lady was first.
Yeah, be with you in a minute, Joan.
Oi, cocker, did you hear me? The lady was first.
Right.
What'll it be? Can I have a gin and orange, please? Thanks.
That's on my round.
MUSIC: "I Want To Walk You Home" by Fats Domino I love this song.
Yeah, my favourite too.
So, you from round these parts? Yeah.
I've lived here since, well, forever.
You new? No, I was born half a mile up the road.
I haven't been around for a while, though.
I joined the Royal Navy when I was 17.
Spent the last ten years down in Devon.
Oh, Devon! Must have been lovely.
JELLY SNORTS Yeah, it was, you know, different.
I don't remember seeing you around here back then.
Well, if you joined the Navy at 17 I'd have still been in a pushchair.
You know how to hurt a man, don't you? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean any offence.
No, don't worry, honest, none taken.
Rotten cow.
JOAN LAUGHS There you go, Joan.
Thank you.
Well, erm See you again.
Yeah, I hope so.
Reenie, what you drinking? Something with gin in, darling.
Here, have that.
I'm going home.
What's the matter? Not feeling too good.
See you later, Reg.
Come on, I'll walk with you.
Oh, look who's back in town.
Freddie Robdal.
Night, Clayton.
Night, Ted.
Night.
Night-night.
Who was that woman? The one I just bought a drink for.
That's Joan Trotter.
She's one of the Trotter Tribe! Only by marriage.
She's Reg Trotter's wife.
She's married to Reg Trotter? MUSIC: "I'm Beggin' You" by Lightnin' Hopkins So, where's your mum and dad? On holiday in France.
Oh, France.
Oh, lovely.
You been there? No.
Where's your toilet? It's upstairs.
Indoors! Don't send him up there, he'll wake your nan.
Your nan's here? Yeah, but she's fast asleep and I want to keep her that way.
You'll have to use the sink in the kitchen.
Take the cups and plates out first.
I know! What do you think I am, a peasant or something? You got any Elvis? No! Good.
THUNDER RUMBLES AIR RAID SIREN WAILS MUSIC: "At The Hop" by Danny And The Juniors Joan? Joan Oi.
Oi.
Joan, you awake? Reg, I'm too tired.
I've brought a few mates home.
Do us a favour, knock us up some sandwiches? Freddie wants ketchup on his.
MUSIC: "How Long" by Leadbelly You can stay tonight.
Yeah? Long as you're quiet.
I'll be ever so quiet.
Would Del like to stay? I think he would.
He's a long time out there, ain't he? Finished.
You got any toilet paper? Yeah, there should be some under the Oh, God! Urgh! Oh, my God! What have you done? Oh! What's he done in your sink?! No, I'm joking.
I feel sick! I'm going to throw up! He's having a lark.
It's just a giggle.
I can't touch that Cheeantee! Come and look.
I don't want to see it! She don't want to see it! Urgh! Urgh! Switch that horrible racket off! 'Glenda! 'What's happening down there?' Now you've woken that old cow up! It's nothing, go back to sleep.
Oi, that's my nan you're talking about! Get your coats, you're going home.
Brilliant, Del Boy, 'kin brilliant! It was just a joke! MUSIC: "Poor Me" by Adam Faith Making you remember when Baby So tight Each night That's right I kinda hoped that maybe You might Fall for me-e-e 'Reg went to see Adam Faith in the Astoria at Finsbury Park.
'He was a professional sportsman.
You said he was a jockey? 'Yeah, he never gave us a tip!' For me For me Yeah Poor me Night all.
Good night, Joan.
Night.
If she turns back and looks at me, I'm gonna have her.
Ooh! Why, oh, why Do voices say to me Sit and cry That this was meant to be? .
.
that you For me MUFFLED MUSIC CONTINUES MUSIC: "I Want To Walk You Home" by Fats Domino What a coincidence, our favourite record.
If we were teenagers, we'd call it our song.
What do you want? I just wanted to say thanks for the supper.
S'all right.
It was only a bacon sandwich.
See you.
I know how you're feeling, I can remember.
You were on the verge of losing your cherry, weren't you? Yes.
And then you popped your head round the No! No, no, the only thing I was about to lose was my temper.
I've done it lots of times, me! Leave off, Boycie! I saw the desperation in your eyes.
I'll tell you something else I saw.
I saw the way she was looking at you.
Yeah? What, Pam or Glenda? No, the gran! Please, God, let me break my duck soon.
Amen.
Boycie! What?! Her name's Mabel.
I think you two'd be really happy together.
Piss off! There we are.
What'd you reckon to that? Oh, it's beautiful! Imagine rolling round on that.
No more pulling splinters out your arse.
Reenie! My sister gets splinters there, quite a lot.
And once her drawers were covered in coal dust.
Trigger, how about a cup of coffee? Yeah, all right.
Eight cups.
No, I'll be weeing all day.
For us, son.
Oh, right.
Is that kid all right? The other night I saw him looking at the telly, roaring with laughter.
So? The telly weren't on.
He probably thought of something funny.
He's good as gold.
Can we get back to these carpets? Do you like it, Reg? All right, I suppose.
This is top stuff all the way from New York, Mr Trotter.
Come over here, young Del Boy.
All the way from New York? Where you getting this stuff from? Denzil's dad works down the docks, he's head of security.
Are you on the tea-leaf? No.
Why do people always think the worst of me? Where the Trotters are concerned it saves time.
Look, some of the cargos on the ships gets a bit damaged in transit.
They can't send it all back.
So they sells it off cheap and Denzil's old man makes sure I get first dabs.
Let's get one thing straight, I don't take after Dad's family, I take after my mum.
I know you do, darling.
That's what worries me.
A lot of carpets these days are made half wool, half Nylon, but not this stuff, this is guaranteed 100% pure Nylon.
Sound as a pound, it's gear.
What him say? He's saying it'll last you a lifetime.
And Jumbo's dad is a carpet-layer and he's learnt him the trade.
I'm almost City & Guilds.
We sells it, we lays it and we do the whole house for fiver.
SHE SHOUTS The whole house for ã5?! Go on then, I'm in! Go on, Jumbo, get it out.
HORN HONKS Albie Littlewood, you're an ugly git! Yeah, I know you are.
See you later.
All right, Marion? All right.
What do you want to do? What do you mean, "What do I want to do?" I thought we were going to the flicks? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Want a little buzzer? No, I don't like 'em.
You shouldn't either, they make you go funny.
Albie, you all right, darling? You all right, Mrs Trotter? I'd keep a tight grip on him for this one, love, it's really scary.
That's Del Boy's mum.
She's nice, ain't she? You fancy your mate's mum? No.
Nojust sayingshe's all right.
What you looking at? Nothing.
What's up? Rayner wants to see you.
Close the door behind you.
Very nice.
New button? No, original.
Good.
Now, as you know, I recently promoted you to the role of my ice-cream girl.
A very important position in the cinema industry.
But I'm beginning to put more and more faith in you and I'd like to offer you the role of part-time assistant manager.
I want you to become my right-hand.
What do you think? I don't know what it means, sir.
I need someone I can trust, Mrs Trotter.
Sometimes, particularly at weekends, that safe can hold up to ã2,000.
That's the kind of responsibility I have.
And I need you here to, well, check all my calculations.
There will be a rise.
(I have that sort of power.
) Oh look, suits you.
I've never been good at arithmetic.
Don't worry, I will learn you.
Look.
Yes, it's nice.
No, no, no, no, no, no, look deep inside.
Acclimatise yourself.
Yes, I've never seen a nicer safe.
Right, off you go then.
Film's about to start.
Thank you! KEY TURNS IN LOCK RADIO: First Movement of Beethoven's Eroica '"Gloria Ming heard the gentle tap on her bedroom door, '"and, with excitement reverberating in her voice, called "Enter".
'"And Captain Pierre-Luc Fontaine stepped into the room.
'"He swept forward and embraced her passionately.
'"Then, looking deep into her eyes, he whispered"' Couldn't lend us a couple of quid, could you? You all right, love? Yeah.
Where you off to? Silly question.
Me and Dad are popping down the Nags Head to see a man about a dog.
I've only got a couple of bob, I don't get paid till Thursday.
Shit! What's that? Oh, it's the carpet.
Del Boy said that might happen.
It's a new thing they've got called scatic.
I hate liars.
Don't wait up! I won't.
What's happening, Reggie? Freddie the Frog wants to have a word with me, and if Freddie Robdal wants to talk there's usually money involved.
Fingers crossed, son.
MUSIC: "Sweet Nothin's" by Brenda Lee Poxy carpet! KNOCK AT DOOR Hello, Joan.
Nice to see you again.
How are you? What? I'm all right, thanks.
What do you want? Yes, I'm all right as well, thank you.
Oh, sorry.
What d'you want? I just wanted a quick chat with Reg.
He went down the pub.
It's only five minutes down the road.
I imagine you must know the way off by heart.
Yeah, but I've got some urgent business to attend to over Fulham.
Have you got the number of The Nags Head? I imagine you must know it off by heart.
No, I don't know it off by heart as it happens, actually.
I've got it in my address book.
I'll go and get it.
Appreciate it.
Come on, mate, let's get stuck in! What's that? That's just a bit of rock and chips.
We sold every roll of that carpet in one day.
One day! Almost every house in the street.
We'll make a little fortune.
Imagine if we'd had two van-loads, or a lorry.
You know when we watch these Hollywood films? You see what they've got in America? Big fridges, colour televisions.
Well, soon that'll be coming here and we'll be waiting for it.
I guarantee you, one day, I'm going to be a millionaire.
And me.
Me too.
Same here.
I got dog shit on my shoe.
Oh, thanks, Trig! I can't eat this now.
Don't waste it.
What are you doing, that's my tea! Shot! Spot on! Just find me a big lake, I fancy a walk.
Oi, just cos yours went out the window! Get your own! Hope you don't mind, but that fog out there was getting right into my lungs.
What's that on your floor? It's our new carpet.
Oh, you know about it then? It's different.
Very different.
Yeah, we like it as well.
There you are.
Thanks.
Can I use your phone? We're not on the phone.
Got a bit of paper? So I can write the number down.
Yeah, wait a minute.
What'd you want with Reg? I've just got myself a flat and I want it decorated I remember Reg saying he does wallpapering and painting.
Yeah, he did this room.
There you go.
Thanks.
Got a pen? Do you want me to write it down for you? Do you mind? You're a treasure.
I've got a pen here somewhere, can't remember where I put it.
You're not very well organised, are you? Oh, is that right? Well, I'll have you know I've just been promoted.
I'm now the assistant manager of the Ritz cinema, part-time.
Ooh.
What'd you do? Count the peanuts? I've got a very responsible role.
Sometimes, specially at weekends, there's over ã2,000 in the safe.
I wish you hadn't said that.
Just leave it will you! What's happened? We was walking down the High Street and someone on a bus chucked a saveloy at Reg.
Hit him right on the head.
Shut up about it! Well, it ain't fair.
You bought that suit for a special occasion.
Your funeral! Now shut up.
Where's Fred? What do you want with Freddie? It's not what Reg wants with Fred, it's what Freddie wants with Reg.
He said he had a job for me, he picked me specially for it.
His khazi must be blocked again.
MUSIC: "El Paso" by Marty Robbins He's put a rec I can't believe he's done that.
I lived in a house like this when I was a kid.
My old mum used to call this front room "the best room".
Only used it for special occasions, you know, Christmas or funerals.
Your mum still live round here? No, she died in the war.
I was away in the Navy.
My mum died in the Blitz.
I'm sorry.
Horrible, isn't it, family deaths? My cousin Norman died last month.
He worked up the Nescafe factory.
He had an industrial accident, fell into a vat of coffee powder and suffocated.
Oh, God, what a horrible way to go.
No, it was instant.
Oh, well, I suppose that's a small consolation.
You like Bellini? Bellini? Giovanni Bellini.
Italian Renaissance painter.
It's Agony In The Garden.
What is? That is.
Is that supposed to be the Garden of Eden? No, that's Gethsemane.
They didn't have gardens the way we know 'em.
You know, cat shit and mangles.
Do you know a lot about art? I've been involved in art, in some way or another, for most of my adult life.
I've always loved it, since I was a kid.
Same here.
I used to look at the paintings on the walls at our school.
And me.
Crap, weren't they? Yeah! Do you want me to give Reg a message? Yeah.
Tell him I want him round my flat, 8.
30 Monday morning.
Yeah, all right.
That's my home phone number.
Call me anytime you like.
Any time at all.
Why would I want to phone you? No, this is still my message to Reg.
Oh, sorry.
When it's finished, I'll have a house-warming party.
Couple of bottles of decent wine, fancy nibbles, bit of music, have a few friends over.
Sounds nice.
See you.
Would you like to come to my party, Joan? Me? Well, um It's a bit You and Reg.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Good.
I wasn't really looking forward to it.
Now I am.
Bye.
What's that?! You better be careful, girl.
We might set something on fire.
It was instant! EXPLOSION, ALARM RINGS There you are, Mr Rayner, the baddies won't get through that.
I should hope not.
This has come as a great shock to all of us.
Look what it's done to your poor mother.
I know a few people in the building trade and I got the lock nice and cheap.
Just give me ã3 including labour.
Your mother can get the money from petty cash.
Off you go, young man.
Oh, see you later, Mum.
Bye, darling.
SING-SONG VOICE Mrs Trotter! Well, this is a rum do, isn't it? How did they know the money was there? I can't imagine.
The police said they might have just been opportunists.
Yes, maybe.
But it means that you must be better prepared.
We live in dangerous times, Mrs Trotter, or may I call you Joan Mavis? I prefer Mrs Trotter.
Yes, of course.
Well, I've spoken to Raymond and now I'm speaking to you.
All staff must learn self-defence.
What? Go to evening school? Not necessary.
I trained in self-defence in the Army.
There you see.
There, you see, the power of surprise.
You didn't expect that, did you? Well, actually This is called the Burmese death-hold.
There is no escape.
Once you've a person in this position, they're powerless, you can do whatever you want to them.
You can Off you go then! Things to be done! Quickly, quickly! Thank you! Miss Turpin, would you take your position? You're very to the point, Raymond.
They usually buy me a port and lemon first.
Will you stop all that, please? I know you're trying to embarrass me, winking at me, but it won't work.
If it continues, I'll report you to higher authorities.
Orders from Mr Rayner.
We've all got to learn self-defence.
Ooh, Raymond, fancy getting down on the carpet and having a quick Boston Crab? Right, that's it! I've had enough! Mr Rayner! Urgh! Urgh! Get out! Oh, my God.
No, come back! I feel ill! Raymond! Let me explain! I'm going home! No, no! Raymond! There's a simple explanation! Raymond! It's not what it looks like! Why did I ever let that Trotter boy onto the premises? Raymond! Jelly said you wanted to see me.
All right, Reggie? Looking forward to the party tonight? I hope you got plenty in cos I've got a cutting thirst after all that painting and decorating.
Someone said your missus what's her name, Joan? She's making her own way here tonight.
She's doing overtime at the Ritz, clearing up after the safe was blown last night.
You were a bit slow there, weren't you, Fred? Should have had a word with my missus, she knew how much was in that safe.
No, I'm a changed character.
It's the straight and narrow for me, Reg.
I believe you, thousands wouldn't.
Yeah, Joan'll come along when she's finished.
I'll meet my Dad, Reenie and Clayton at the pub and get a bus over.
So what do you wanna see me about? I've gotta pay you, ain't I? So, as soon as you're finished, money's yours.
But I've finished.
You're having the flat-warming tonight.
No, you ain't finished yet.
We've got unused rolls of wallpaper, unopened tins of paint.
I got 'em all on sale or return, so take 'em back, get my refund, I'll settle up with you.
Where'd you get it from? A little wholesaler's just outside Guildford.
Guildford?! That's 50 miles away! How am I supposed to get all this back to Guildford? I ain't got a car! Yes, you have, it's a green Jaguar.
You'll let me drive your Jag? I trust you, Reg.
I tell you what, instead of your dad and the others getting a bus to the party, pick 'em up in the Jag.
Better still, why don't you take them to Guildford with you? A nice little ride in the country.
And here are, as a bonus, treat 'em all to a cream tea and a couple of beers.
You are a saint, Fred, a 24-carat saint.
Go on, get going, will you, you'll have me in tears.
Beep-beep.
GEARS CRUNCH Let's have a party.
RADIO PLAYS ENGINE SPLUTTERS I like what you've done with your hair, it suits you.
Oh, thanks.
Fancy a drink? I'll have whatever you're having.
Joanie, put a record on.
I thought the others would have been back by now.
Me too.
But knowing that lot, I wouldn't be surprised if they ain't run out of petrol in the middle of nowhere.
We out of petrol.
But we're in the middle of nowhere.
We can't have.
The fuel gauge says full.
The gauge was jammed with this.
Who'd do something like that? Kids.
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS They're very late, aren't they? Yeah.
Can't understand it, I mean, they only had to drive to Guildford and that was nine hours ago.
I hope they haven't broken down in your car.
Comme si, comme ca.
Reenie can't do a lot of walking, she's wearing brand new shoes, her feet'll be covered in blisters.
Reenie's had blisters in worse places than that.
Stop worrying about Reenie's feet and relax.
I like this.
This opera? Classical.
Bach's Brandenburg Concerto.
Brandenburg Concerto.
I've never heard it before.
What was that you said just now? Come and see something like that? Comme si, comme ca.
It's French.
I didn't know you spoke French.
That's why we have parties, so we can learn things about each other.
Why do you keep kissing me? Cos I want to learn.
Learn what? What it's like to be Reg.
He can look at you, he can talk to you, he can kiss you.
Any time, day or night.
It's good.
Do you like Rossini? Oh, I'll drink anything.
And what will I learn about you? What's your history? You want to know about me? All right.
I'll tell you all about me, during a dance.
A dance? But there's only the two of us.
Well, I don't mean a Morris dance.
MUSIC: "If I Give You My Love" by Ray Charles Still not here, are they? No.
They're not coming to the party, are they? No.
They never were, were they? No.
It was always just you and me? Yes.
Tell me, Mr Robdal, why did you want it to be just the two of us? I wanted to talk to you.
What about? Art.
What about art? We're both lovers of art.
I can tell.
Did you see the paintings on my living room wall? Yeah, but that don't matter.
I do a part-time job at the town hall.
And years before I worked there, they had a famous painting by a bloke called Stubbs.
But someone broke in one night and stole it.
Aw, this country! I saw a photo of it.
It was men in funny clothes and a skinny horse.
It was exactly the same as that.
You ever been to the National? No.
I went to the Derby once.
No.
Not the Grand National, the National Gallery in London.
I didn't know it was there.
I used to go at least once a month, before I became busy in Devon.
I've got an idea.
Let's go there.
You've never been and it must have changed a lot while I've been away.
But I'm a married woman.
I can't go on a date with you.
What would Reg think? Reg'll understand.
I'll make sure of that.
Come on.
C'est la vie, as they say in France.
What's that mean? C'est la vie? It means that's life, flow with the tide.
Come on.
I'll show you Monet's Room.
Have you seen Monet's work? You'll love it.
We'll have a butcher's at all of 'em.
'Olbein's despair, Van Gogh's madness, 'Ogarth's lament.
We'll get up close, see the genius and fury in every stroke.
Then we'll stand back and gaze on glory.
What'd you reckon, eh, girl? You and me? Let's gaze on glory.
Yeah.
All right.
Let's do it.
We won't be doing anyone any harm, will we? It's like what the French say, it's Tel Aviv.
That's right, it's Tel Aviv.
Look at the state of my foot! Urgh, that's revolting! This foot! Oh, Gawd, that's even worse! You're lucky you ain't an horse, love, they'd shoot you.
There are more important things than your poxy feet.
Look at me, I'm cold and starving.
Why don't you give that a rest, eh? Don't you talk to me like that, Reg Trotter.
I ain't your wife.
I'll give you a smack in the mooey! I'll give you one straight back.
You would as well, wouldn't you? I've seen my Joanie's face on a few Monday mornings.
On Sunday nights, she keeps bashing into cupboard doors.
You're trying my patience, Reenie.
Don't push me too far or you'll be sorry.
Reg.
I wouldn't take the conversation any further if I was you.
Otherwise somebody round here will be real sorry but take it from me, it won't be Reenie.
You understand? I can't be bothered with all this.
Come, sit down.
You all right? MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS You sorry now? I should feel bad, shouldn't I? Do you feel bad? Ever so, but you know Would it help if I felt guilty for the both of us? Well, you chased me, turning my head like that, so it's all your fault.
Well, now you're forgiving.
Do you fancy being forgiving again in a minute? Shut up! You know your cousin Norman, the one who fell into all that coffee powder? Oh, yeah.
Tragic.
Well, I knew that was a joke right from the start.
Yeah! So why didn't you laugh? Didn't think it was funny.
I felt rotten about making that joke.
It was in very bad taste.
See, Norman did die but not like that.
Natural causes.
I was the executor of his will, had to arrange the funeral, everything.
He had three great loves, football, racing and bowls.
That was it with Norman.
So I scattered some of his remains on the centre circle at Charlton, some on the finishing line at Ascot, and the rest on his favourite bowling green.
Oh That was nice.
Police didn't think so, they arrested me.
Why? Were you supposed to get permission? No, they said I should have had him cremated.
Git! I knew! Course you did! I did! I did, really!! Girl, you are too easy! My old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And lives in a council flat He looks a proper nana In his great big hobnail boots He's such a job to pull 'em up That he calls them daisy roots My old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat He looks a proper na na Can you smell that? Get off! I thought that pong was you.
Don! I think the egg's gone off in this salad roll.
There's no egg in it.
Waste not, want not.
So if you see a dustman Looking all pale and sad Don't kick him in the dustbin Cos it might be my old dad I might have asked this before, but why have we got to travel all the way to Clapham for this? Yeah, you have asked before and as I explained before it's the only one opened at weekends, and this one's perfect coz everyone's away on the beano.
Besides, as far as I know, it's the only one that offers its special service.
Cumberland gap, Cumberland gap 15 miles on the Cumberland gap Cumberland gap, Cumberland gap 15 miles on the Cumberland gap THEY CHEER What do you want, Slater? Are they drugs? Course not! Do you think we're stupid or something? What are they then? They're they're breath fresheners.
Yeah, in case we meet some girls at the halfway house.
Yes! Good idea.
Cheers.
This is the only one in London that keeps your information confidential.
You don't even have to give your real name here.
Why didn't you just go and see your family doctor, Doctor Becker? He'd have kept your information confidential from everyone.
Yeah, everyone except Reg.
But, as much as I hate his guts, he's your husband and the father, he's got a right to know.
And say I am in the club? What's Reg gonna do? He's gonna start moaning and groaning about me losing both my jobs, cos once they get wind of me being pregnant, they'll sack me.
But if I'm not, then nobody knows and no harm's done.
How many you missed? Two, sort of.
Sort of? Three.
Three! S'cuse me, love, tell the midwife to finish her tea and get down here quickly.
Shut up! Just because you miss a monthly it doesn't automatically mean you're pregnant.
It could be my change has come early.
Don't be ridiculous! I just want it confirmed one way or another before I make an announcement in The Times! Next! I suppose if you are up the duff at least you might get one of them council flats.
I phoned in the week and made an appointment.
Name? Gloria Ming.
Ah, yes.
If you'd like to take a seat Miss Ming, Doctor will see you soon.
MUSIC: "Lovin' Up A Storm" by Jerry Lee Lewis Shit a brick! You'll be on Come Dancing next, Slater! What's the matter with that boy? He's dancing like an Italian.
Talking of that.
The newspapers say we joining this European commonwealth market ting.
With the Germans and the French.
It's true? It's bollocks.
Course it is.
Go to a party with the Germans? It took us six years to make the bastards go home last time! Gloria Ming? Why'd you have use the name of the Chinese girl out of your book? Like I said, you don't have to give your real name.
So why didn't you just call yourself Smith? Oh, come on.
No-one's gonna call themselves Smith! I wanted to be different.
Gloria Ming?! That's different all right.
Pay attention.
I will call out your names and indicate your cubicle.
Right.
Smith! Linda.
Cubicle 4.
Smith! Maureen.
Cubicle 7.
Smith! What have the French got to offer us? Citroens and snails, that's all, Citroens and snails.
I don't understand how they can eat them kind of creatures.
You ever seen a snail close up? Looks like a bogey in a crash helmet.
Smith! Pamela.
Cubicle 9.
Minge! What's he say?! Minge? Minge?! Minge, Gloria.
I'm not having this! Ignore him, he's a prick.
Minge! Excuse me.
Are you Minge? No.
I'm looking for Minge.
Minge! It's not Minge, moron.
It's Ming! Ming? It's Chinese.
Chinese? But you don't I was adopted! Oh, right.
Cubicle 8.
Cock! It's Cook.
Number 3.
EXPLOSION Stop worrying.
Want a fag? Yeah.
I've got to phone 'em next Wednesday for the results.
If I'm not pregnant, I'll throw a party.
I don't care what the cause of it is, I'm going to have a party.
Good.
Make up for that party we all missed at Fred's place.
Yeah.
I'm surprised Freddie didn't lose his temper, keeping his car out all night like that.
In the old days an ambulance crew would have been on overtime.
Fred? He's not violent.
I mean, he's been living in Devon.
He said he was the Curator of Art at Exeter University.
'The Curator of Art at Exeter University? 'You daft mare, he's a villain.
' He's just back from serving ten years in Dartmoor Prison.
My brother used to hang around with him when they were lads.
I mean, they were very different.
Said he was knocking off cigarette machines but even then, Fred had his eye on safes.
'Sometimes, specially at weekends, there's over ã2,000 in the safe.
' Naturally, he got caught time and again.
In the end, he was called up and joined the Navy.
They taught him to be a frogman.
That's how he got the nickname, Freddie the Frog.
He used to put mines under enemy boats.
But the moment he was demobbed, he went back to his old ways, stealing jewellery and his speciality, paintings.
'It was exactly the same as that.
' No wonder his wife keeps her distance.
MUSIC: "Cathy's Clown" by The Everly Brothers He's like that dancer in the films, isn't he? Ginger Rogers! Gingivitis, more like! BOYS LAUGH Oi, Albie, still ugly.
Yeah, I know.
What's up with you? You look like a turkey who's just got his first Christmas card.
That bird, Marion, given him the sack.
Her mum and dad invited him to their anniversary party and he had a slash in their ornamental fishpond.
I was a bit depressed.
Shouldn't think the goldfish threw a carnival.
I really loved Marion.
She was the best girl I ever met, so I asked her to marry me and the shitty old cow turned me down.
Albie, why'd you wanna get married? You're only young.
My dad was married at my age.
Yeah, but not to your mum.
Here, have one of these.
These'll cheer you up.
What are you two plonkers doing? You on drugs? Ssshhh! They're just make-you-feel-better pills.
Lots of rockstars take these.
And you look like a rockstar, Jumbo, don't you? I keep mistaking him for Buddy Holly.
He's dead.
And so will you be if you keep sucking those little sweeties.
Come along you lot, we're supposed to be The Jolly Boys.
Let's get out there and have a beano! ALL CHEER Have a good sleep, Slater.
Pick you up on the way back! TV: 'You can stop off anywhere you like in the world.
'I could, but I don't.
I go to Butlins.
'Instead of Honolulu? Yes, you see' Reg.
What? I'm pregnant.
HE SWITCHES TV OFF How? How? That's what I said until she explained it happened one night when I came home from a Millwall match celebrating and feeling a bit frisky, you know how it is.
Well, I shouldn't imagine you do! Anyway, I was too far gone to even remember it myself.
No, no, wait a minute, it don't make sense.
Celebrating after a Millwall match?! That's true.
We ain't won nothing for years.
Oh, you know what I'm like with football.
They won something, a corner or a throw-in or something, and you were really, well, you know how you get.
And I come home and I turned on me masculine charm, didn't I? Yeah.
SHE RETCHES Morning sickness.
None of my business but Joanie's going to lose both her jobs.
That's where I come in.
I know someone in the lampshade trade.
They provide a load of wire frames and the material and you make 'em into lampshades.
Sixpence a shade, 40 a day, that's a tenner a week.
It's boring work, but it'll pay the rent and put the bacon on the table.
And it'll give her something to do once the baby's born.
How? What'd you mean "how?".
Don't they teach you nothing at your school? I don't mean how'd it happen.
I mean, how could you? With that lump of gristle? Oi, you'll get a clump round the earhole in a minute.
Boys, boys! Look, you don't understand.
We might argue but me and your dad are husband and wife and there are things that husbands and wives do.
SHE RETCHES Morning sickness.
So what you hoping for? A little brother or a little sister? I don't care! I'm going dancing.
MUSIC: "Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke Two light and bitters.
No.
Two large whiskies and ginger ale.
That's eight bob.
Keep the change.
We celebrating something? Maybe.
All right, what is it? If you've got something to say, say it.
All right.
But don't laugh at me.
I won't like it.
Right.
I think I think I think I may have fallen in love.
In love? Shush! Ever since I've known you, you've always been falling in love.
Who's it this time? Joan.
What that slag from the cinema?! Yes.
All right, I was out of line.
But the thing is, I don't mean to point out the obvious, but she's married to Reg.
It's a marriage in name only.
It's a scrap of paper and an ounce of nine carat, nothing more.
Don, go and get your biggest slate, I'm celebrating.
Reg is gonna be a daddy again.
Yep, my Joan's pregnant.
CHEERING What you doing here? I want you to tell me the truth.
That's rich coming from you, isn't it? I've found out the truth about you! You lied to me, that's the truth! I didn't ever lie to you.
You didn't tell me you were married.
Well, there's that.
But I didn't say I wasn't! Anyway, that all ended years ago.
I don't like you barging into my house.
How did you get in? How'd I get? Joanie, I was one digit away from cracking the Bank Of England.
So a key on a string ain't going to hold me back for very long, is it? You didn't tell me you'd been in prison.
I've served my time.
I've paid my dues.
What's happened? Somebody been whispering in your ear? Don't listen to 'em.
You and me, we were meant for each other, girl.
I mean, we're so alike.
No, we're not.
I sell choc-ices and you blow people's safes up.
Did you blow up the safe at the Ritz Cinema? Well, of course I did! You've gotta look beyond things like that, ice cream and gelignite.
Think about our art, our music.
Yeah, I fell for all that, didn't I? The National Gallery and the Battenberg Concerto.
I'm not going to hurt you.
I couldn't ever hurt you.
You've changed.
Yeah, I've come to my senses.
Do forgive me, I completely forgot myself.
Congratulations, Joan.
I've just heard the good news.
Someone should be celebrating.
Like, whoever the father is.
It's nothing to do with you.
Joanie, you don't understand.
I love .
.
the idea of having a kid of me own.
As I was driving round here, I was hoping you'd tell me that little chavvy in there is mine.
Well? Is it? If you can't bring yourself to say it then nod your head.
Just nod your head, it's easy.
Go on, nod your head.
All right.
That's OK.
That's OK.
I owe you an apology.
For what? Well, you know, for slipping you one like that.
It was most uncalled for.
Still, something good's come of it, for you at least.
No more lugging that big tray of ice-cream around.
And no more making tea for the town hall.
See you.
I'm a part-time filing clerk who sometimes makes the tea.
MUSIC: "Save The Last Dance For Me" by The Drifters This is it.
Have a look round.
The bedrooms are through there.
There's no dialling tone.
No, it's not connected yet.
But it's a start, isn't it? Yes, darling, it's a start.
Almost there, darling, I can see the baby's head.
Put that cigarette out! Have you and your husband thought of any names? He named our first one.
Now it's my turn.
If it's a girl, it's Irene.
If it's a boy, it's Rodney?! Rodney?! MANY VOICES: Rodney?! Where's my husband? Your husband went over to the party opposite, and his father went with him.
He's gone to a party? No, he said he was going over there to complain about the noise.
When was that? About three hours ago.
Look after lickle Rodney, otherwise I'll come back here and tell you off.
Thank you.
Thank you for everything.
Well, here you are Rodney.
Welcome to your world.
Don't worry, your big brother Del's gonna be very rich one day and he'll look after all of us.
I named you after a real handsome actor called Rod Taylor.
He's in a film by HG Wells, so you're almost cultural.
MUSIC: "I Want To Walk You Home" by Fats Domino Please let me walk you home Tell me that I have to wait
.
Atishoo! Atishoo! 'We all fall down.
' Noisy bloody kids.
Joanie, that's the last bit of bread in the house.
I get paid today, I'll do a bit of shopping later.
Do yourself up, Ted, please! Oh, sorry, love.
There's nothing out there for Reg to eat.
That ain't gonna please him.
Well, you're the one eating the last slice of bread.
He's your son, you explain to him.
No, he's always in a mood when he gets out of bed.
I'm keeping out the way, take this up to my room.
'Joan.
'Where are you?' Oh, go back to sleep, Reg, please.
'Joan!' I'm not here? 'Bring us up some tea and toast.
' I've gone to work.
'I want some toast.
' I'm not here.
'Toast!' I've gone to work! 'Toast!' MUSIC: "Rockin' Robin" by Bobby Day Hello, darlin'! MUSIC CONTINUES ON JUKEBOX I remembered the time Boycie bought a round for the whole pub.
Then my alarm went off and I woke up! I'm telling you the truth, Del.
I'm brassic.
You're new here, Denzil, but the most important thing you should know about London is that Boycie is a tight git.
BOYCIE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY I'm not tight! If I had any money I'd buy a round, but I'm nicht a coin and that is no lie.
Jumbo, tell 'im.
Boycie is tighter than Buck Rogers' space helmet.
And that's airtight! Keep the change, cocker.
Tally-bally-ho! So, what's Liverpool like, Denzil? S'all right.
Sorta like London only better.
No, I mean all my family are up there, like.
Me nan and cousins and all that.
I reckon I'll like London, like, once I get used to it.
I've never met anyone called Denzil before.
And you must be the only fella in the world called Trigger.
No, there's a boy down my street called Trigger.
No, that's you, Trig.
Hey, fellas, heads up, look at this! Oh, man, d'you see that?! I bet she's a real goer.
Yeah.
Who is she? That's my mum.
What a Brahma.
Yeah, not bad.
HORN HONKS But after ten years in Dartmoor I'd imagine anything would do you.
Not anything.
I'd rather her than you.
Well, that's eased one of my concerns.
HORN HONKS I wonder what blood group he is! Why don't we just drive on like nice people, eh? So what brought you to London? Me old man got offered a job.
He's working in the docks.
Really? What does he do at the docks? He's a security guard.
Me and Jumbo'll have to pop round and meet your family.
We can tell your dad all about the ancient customs of the London docks.
Yeah, gear, just give us a bit of time to settle in.
Yeah, no hurry.
We'll pop round tonight.
Cor, have a deco.
Oh, now that's a real car, eh? Had your look, boys? We weren't doing nothing, honest.
Just saying "nice motor".
Yeah, my nice motor.
I'll drive a car like this one day.
Well, make sure it ain't this one, otherwise you'll find me playing ping pong with your testicles.
All right, cocker? Away you go.
My Jag'll be faster than yours, cos I'm going to have a red one.
Nothing changes round here, does it? That ape he was with didn't look too happy, did he? I thought he was going to deck you! I'd like to see him try, Jumbo.
BELL RINGS What time do you call this? Do you want to buy a watch, Roy? Bugger off, Slater.
Oh, yeah, typical.
"Bugger off, Slater.
" That's all I ever hear from you lot.
You're new, you should have some respect.
I know I should, but I'm from Liverpool.
Reen, cakes are here.
Oh, there's nothing I like better than a nice bit of iced finger.
Shut up! At least what I fancy's real, look at you, gobbling up all this romantic rubbish.
I can't help having a passionate heart.
And this is not romantic rubbish.
They could make a film out of this.
It's about the French army fighting in Vietnam in the 1950s.
The hero is called Captain Pierre-Luc Fontaine! Ooh, Captain Pierre-Luc Fontaine.
Ooh, you would, wouldn't you? You would! Captain Fontaine is sent to Saigon where he meets this beautiful young Chinese girl called Gloria Ming.
Pierre-Luc is all French and passionate and Gloria Ming is oriental and alluring and they fall in love.
But what with military law and the political situation, they weren't allowed to fraternise with each other.
So they have what is called an affaire de coeur.
What's a coeur? Something you get in France.
You get a lot of things in France.
My brother said he got a dose.
Talking of infections, how's Reg? Same.
Bastard.
Mrs Trotter.
Mr Rayner would like to see you in his office.
Chop-chop.
Oh, not again.
Look, if Rayner comes his old fun and games, give him a slap across the chops.
Oh, yeah, and get the sack.
I can't afford to lose this job, Reg ain't had any work for ages.
But you're still part-time tea lady at the town hall.
Part-time filing clerk who sometimes makes the tea, actually.
But that don't pay the rent and food in my house.
I've got Reg's dad to feed now.
Well, when you go in that office be firm, cos you can guarantee he will.
Where's my torch? D'you know why we have rules in this school? No, go on, Roy, I ain't heard this one.
That's Mr Manley.
He's a bit mad.
He's got a wooden leg so they made him PE instructor.
That's Glenda and Pam.
They can be very helpful to a boy when times get hard, if you know what I mean? Trouble is they like all this beatnik junk, you know, blues music and wine and cheese and things.
Wotcha, Glenda, fancy a bit tonight? Suck a sprout, Trotter.
Oh, that's a shame, you'd have liked it.
What are you lot up to? They've only just come back from lunch, sir.
30 minutes late.
Slater, when is it going to sink into that thick skull of yours? We don't want them here.
You boys should have left school ages ago.
But the Education Department, in their wisdom, introduced some old cobblers about the school leaving age, which means you've all got to stay on another year.
But they failed to notice the plain and simple fact that we haven't got the room or the staff for an extra form.
Like authority everywhere, they make decisions without considering the consequences in the field! Dunkirk! A perfect example of a bureaucratic cock-up.
So, until they address the situation and come up with some new structure, you lot are not wanted here.
Anything to help! Come on.
That goes for you as well, Slater.
But I'm the Register Prefect! Listen to me carefully, son.
You either follow your mates off the premises or I'll take that badge and I'll shove it up your arse! Come on, we'll go over the park.
I'm going nowhere near that pond.
All that "Slater walk the plank" lark.
Don't be stupid, Roy, that was when we were kids.
We're grown-ups now, and grown-ups don't play pirates.
MUSIC: "Dream Lover by Bobby Darin I've been thinking.
Oh(!) The war ended 15 years ago and we spent 10 of them in prison.
I did the ten, you got seven.
Yeah.
But why? We got caught.
No! Well, yeah, we got caught, obviously.
But it goes a lot deeper than that.
We fought for this country, put our lives at risk.
But when the war ended, what thanks did we get? There were no jobs for us, was there? I don't know, I didn't look.
We had no choice but to turn to crime.
You ought to go and get that shrapnel removed.
We was on the thieve long before the war started.
When we blew our first safe, Hitler was clean-shaven.
Yeah, I know.
I'm getting itchy for a bit of action again.
Take your time.
We ain't short of a few quid and we've still got that little job on the coast to do.
Yeah, looking forward to that, nice bit of sea air.
Yeah, but not yet.
Take it from me, Jelly, the Old Bill are watching us.
But give it a month and they'll go and find someone else to annoy.
And that is when we make our move.
Until then we are model citizens, rehabilitated by the system.
God save the Queen.
Now, because you're an old friend, I'm gonna forget you talk a load of bollocks and treat you to a meat pie.
Sweetheart? KNOCK AT DOOR Come.
You wanted to see me, Mr Rayner? Oh, yes, come in, Mrs Trotter.
Your wages, dear.
Thank you.
Now, as you know, Alice Bullman, my erstwhile ice-cream girl hasn't been very well lately, which is why I made you up to be my temporary ice-cream girl.
Sadly, Alice is apparently too sick to return to work.
I didn't realise she was that bad.
What exactly's wrong with her? Something mental.
The good news is I'm thinking Thinking, mind .
.
of making you my permanent ice-cream girl.
Would you like me to do that? Well, yes, thank you.
The ice-cream girl is very important to the image of this cinema.
That's why I have to hold these parade ground inspections.
Army training, you see.
All my staff are essential in their own little ways.
Raymond on cigarettes and confectionery and your friend Reenie on peanuts and popcorn.
But it's the ice-cream girl, with the spotlight beaming down on her, who is the centre of attention.
That button's slightly loose.
Now, the spotlight doesn't suit everyone.
For some it merely highlights their blackheads, but you you You blossom under its silvery glow.
You're like Venus, rising with a tray of Mivvis.
(And there'll be an extra six shillings a week in your wages.
) Thank you.
Right.
Off you go then, Mrs Trotter, first showing in ten minutes.
Thank you! MUSIC: "Dance With Me" by The Drifters Sorry(!) Put Johnny Ray on.
What? Put Johnny Ray on.
Johnny Ray? Yeah, put Johnny Ray on.
Why? Cos he said.
Cos I said.
Put Johnny Ray on.
Put Johnny Ray on.
Put Johnny Ray on.
I don't like Johnny Ray.
I do.
He does.
Everyone likes Johnny Ray.
I like Johnny Ray.
He likes Johnny Ray.
He likes Johnny Ray.
Do you like Johnny Ray? Yeah.
Put Johnny Ray on.
Put Johnny Ray on.
Put Johnny Ray on.
I'll Never Fall in Love Who's this? It's Johnny Ray.
Good choice.
Ladies and gentlemen, there will now be a ten-minute intermission.
Choc-ices, ice-cream tubs and lollies are available in the auditorium.
I say! Ding-dong! WOLF WHISTLE Ooh, Matron! What a set of pins! I like the look of your lollies, darling.
I'd like to get me hands on one of your cones.
Oi! Sorry.
It's that lot from the Dockside Secondary Modern.
Nothing but trouble.
Yes, I recognise you lot from Saturday morning pictures.
THEY JEER I see your manners haven't improved.
Oh, look, it's a talking penguin! If you do not behave, I shall have you removed.
This is your last chance.
Right, that's it.
I've warned you! You've been warned! Raymond! Wind him up again, Raymond! Throw them out! We'll come quietly, Raymond! It's a fair cop! MUSIC: "Red River Rock" by Johnny And The Hurricanes Switch that bloody music off! Switch it off, you mad cow! There you are, Mr Johnson, a nice cup of tea for you.
Thank you, Joan.
And I've got you a couple of chocolate digestives.
I keep them just for my favourite people.
That's very kind of you.
Think nothing of it.
Erm, Mr Johnson.
Mmm? You know the council is building one of these new-fangled high-rise estates down where the old ammunitions factory used to be? Ah yes, The New World Estate.
It's lovely.
Mr Johnson, I was wondering if you could advise me about applying for a flat there.
After all, you're in charge.
You see, me and my family have become very overcrowded since my father-in-law came to live with us.
Him and my teenage son have to share a bedroom.
It's not healthy.
I seriously wouldn't hold out any hope of you qualifying for a tenancy there.
The council are giving preference to people with young children and growing families.
Are you and your husband thinking of having more children? God, no! And as for your father-in-law, the council would take the attitude that he can look after himself.
They don't know him.
Does he have a disability? Sort of, he's useless.
I'm really sorry.
MUSIC: "Poison Ivy" by The Coasters You were right, nothing changes round here.
This is the same as when I was a teenager.
It makes me quite nostalgic.
I robbed it twice.
What can I get you? Two light and bitters.
As you know, when it comes to religion, I've always been something of an agnostic.
But now, Jelly, me old oppo, I'm a believer.
There is a God and he lives in Peckham.
Bless you.
Let's order some chasers.
Remember yesterday I mentioned that little job we want to do down on the coast? The jeweller's in Margate? That's the one.
That girlfriend of yours worked there and gave us all the info.
What has always stopped us from doing it? We're known to the Kent police.
They see you and me down there, what excuse do we make? We're after a tan? Well now we have the perfect excuse for being there.
I doubt they'll even see us, we'll be hidden amongst a party of friends.
See what I mean? Now I know how Moses felt when he saw that burning bush.
Hallelujah and Amen.
Here! Guv'nor, this coach trip of yours 'I don't know what's happening to this country.
' Look at this on the telly, the jockeys have gone on strike.
The jockeys Dad puts his money on went on strike years ago! I know you've got money, you got paid yesterday.
So lend us a couple of quid, just for tonight.
I did get paid yesterday, no thanks to you! Don't you come in my cinema making a scene like that again.
You'll get me the sack.
I was only having a lark.
That's your trouble, Derek, you never know when to stop, you just go on and on and on.
Yeah, that's what all the girls say.
I'm being serious.
Little git! Yeah, I got my wages then I went shopping, paid off a few bills and got this out of pawn.
I'm broke again.
If you've got no money what you getting yourself tarted up for? It's Friday night and my husband said he was taking me out! And I am not getting "tarted up", I'm getting dolled up! Don't have a go at me, Reg.
I've got two jobs on the go trying to feed this family.
The Ritz fleapit and the Town Hall? You flog lollies and make tea.
I'm a part-time filing clerk who sometimes makes the tea! I'd be working if it weren't for my back.
I'm always cutting corners to save a few bob.
I use the same tea leaves three times over, I repair my clothes so I don't have to buy at the shops, I've even taken lights bulbs out to save on electric.
Always got enough money to buy stupid records, ain't you? That's my only pleasure in life, Reg.
A woman's got to have a bit of pleasure in her life, son.
Oh, listen to Jane Austen(!) If you're such an expert, how comes Mum chucked you out? Cutting corners, are you? I'll tell you what, darling, one of these days I'll save you a fortune in eye shadow.
Reggie! What did you just say to her? Del, do what I do, just ignore him.
Keep your nose out, son, that way it won't get broke.
Oh, is that right? There's a yard out there, so come on John Wayne, show me how it's done! Del, leave it, son.
Stay out of it, Grandad.
I can't be bothered with all this.
I'm going to get dressed.
The landlord'll have to put our drinks on the slate.
I've told you time and time again, don't agitate your dad.
I know how far to push him.
I know, I'm sorry.
Just I'd really like to beat him up.
I know, darling, I know.
Look, I got a fiver here.
Go on, take it.
Get yourselves a drink, buy a pint of arsenic for that old sod.
Where did you get that from? Me and Jumbo have been flogging American records.
They come out the docks.
The American sailors bring 'em in and sell 'em to us and we knock 'em out down the market.
Most of these ain't even been released in Britain yet.
Is it legal? Of course.
I wouldn't be doing it otherwise, would I? I might be staying out tonight, so see you tomorrow.
You got a good 'un there, Joanie, love.
Yeah.
What's he mean, he's staying out tonight? Dunno.
Maybe he's going night fishing.
Oh, of course, that would explain the suit and tie and all them rods and maggots he was carrying(!) Night fishing! Well, I think you'll find he's trying to hook something.
BLUES MUSIC PLAYS What's that wine you're drinking? Cheeantee.
Italian.
He loves a mouth organ, don't he? Have you ever listened to Leadbelly before? Yeah! Who's this? This IS Leadbelly! He's great.
Why's he sound so miserable? He was once a slave.
So was Spartacus but he didn't go round playing his harmonica all day long.
Do you hear that? Do you hear what he said? You are so Yeah, you're so You are so So So square.
Yeah, square.
MUSIC: "Delaware" by Perry Como Ain't seen you for ages, Reggie.
I'm in here every night.
I meant round my place.
Well, that's soon cured.
Saturday tomorrow.
I'll tell her I'm going to football.
Be round about three.
I'll be waving me rattle around.
Keep your whistle handy too.
Is Reenie coming in later? She's doing the late film then she's calling in for a nightcap.
Good.
I'm just popping out to the ladies.
Oi, you want to watch yourself with that barmaid.
It's just a harmless bit of flirting.
I'm always very discreet about these things.
Discreet? Ray Charles could see you two were at it.
Do you see who's at the end of the bar? He's aged a bit but I'd recognise him anywhere.
That's Freddie the Frog.
Yeah, that's him all right.
Who's Freddie the Frog? His real name's Freddie Robdal.
He was around these parts years ago, when you were still playing beach cricket on Montego Bay.
Don't remind me, man.
He was one of the best thieves in the country.
Safes, paintings, you name it, Freddie'd nick it.
Then he got caught trying to break into the Bank of England.
The Bank of England? Ssshh.
They put him away for a fair old stretch in Dartmoor.
And the bloke with him is Gerald Kelly, explosives expert.
Jelly Kelly they call him.
Gelignite, you get it? Oh, I see.
You know them well? Oh, yeah, we were good mates.
I'll go and say hello.
So you're back in town, Robdal.
Good.
It's about time you and me settled things once and for all.
You're a stupid bastard, Reg, you're gonna end up in casualty.
Wotcha, Jel? Freddie boy, how's it going me old son? Yeah, good to see you.
Reg.
Reg.
So you had enough of Dartmoor and taking the Hound of the Baskerville for a walk every morning? Last orders! When he closes, we'll get a few bottles of beer and take them round to my place.
Fancy that? No.
We're going on somewhere.
Fair enough.
I'd get you boys a drink but the missus is holding the money.
I'll get you one.
Cheers, Fred, but I'm with me Dad and a friend.
Guv'nor, whatever Reg wants.
Clayton'll have a Navy rum, and me and the old fella'll have a scotch and a splash.
Who is that prick? Don't you remember him? Reg Trotter.
The Trotters! I'd forgotten about that tribe! We'll bring 'em over, Reg.
Cheers, Fred, see you around.
And the invitation's still open if you wanna pop round my drum.
Jel.
Is that the bird we saw yesterday? You know, on the zebra crossing.
I don't know.
Did you get me a drink? No, sorry, I forgot.
I'll get you one, Joan.
It's all right, Clayton, I'll get me own.
Don Don Could I have Don, when you're ready.
What you having, Arthur? Guv'nor.
The lady was first.
Yeah, be with you in a minute, Joan.
Oi, cocker, did you hear me? The lady was first.
Right.
What'll it be? Can I have a gin and orange, please? Thanks.
That's on my round.
MUSIC: "I Want To Walk You Home" by Fats Domino I love this song.
Yeah, my favourite too.
So, you from round these parts? Yeah.
I've lived here since, well, forever.
You new? No, I was born half a mile up the road.
I haven't been around for a while, though.
I joined the Royal Navy when I was 17.
Spent the last ten years down in Devon.
Oh, Devon! Must have been lovely.
JELLY SNORTS Yeah, it was, you know, different.
I don't remember seeing you around here back then.
Well, if you joined the Navy at 17 I'd have still been in a pushchair.
You know how to hurt a man, don't you? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean any offence.
No, don't worry, honest, none taken.
Rotten cow.
JOAN LAUGHS There you go, Joan.
Thank you.
Well, erm See you again.
Yeah, I hope so.
Reenie, what you drinking? Something with gin in, darling.
Here, have that.
I'm going home.
What's the matter? Not feeling too good.
See you later, Reg.
Come on, I'll walk with you.
Oh, look who's back in town.
Freddie Robdal.
Night, Clayton.
Night, Ted.
Night.
Night-night.
Who was that woman? The one I just bought a drink for.
That's Joan Trotter.
She's one of the Trotter Tribe! Only by marriage.
She's Reg Trotter's wife.
She's married to Reg Trotter? MUSIC: "I'm Beggin' You" by Lightnin' Hopkins So, where's your mum and dad? On holiday in France.
Oh, France.
Oh, lovely.
You been there? No.
Where's your toilet? It's upstairs.
Indoors! Don't send him up there, he'll wake your nan.
Your nan's here? Yeah, but she's fast asleep and I want to keep her that way.
You'll have to use the sink in the kitchen.
Take the cups and plates out first.
I know! What do you think I am, a peasant or something? You got any Elvis? No! Good.
THUNDER RUMBLES AIR RAID SIREN WAILS MUSIC: "At The Hop" by Danny And The Juniors Joan? Joan Oi.
Oi.
Joan, you awake? Reg, I'm too tired.
I've brought a few mates home.
Do us a favour, knock us up some sandwiches? Freddie wants ketchup on his.
MUSIC: "How Long" by Leadbelly You can stay tonight.
Yeah? Long as you're quiet.
I'll be ever so quiet.
Would Del like to stay? I think he would.
He's a long time out there, ain't he? Finished.
You got any toilet paper? Yeah, there should be some under the Oh, God! Urgh! Oh, my God! What have you done? Oh! What's he done in your sink?! No, I'm joking.
I feel sick! I'm going to throw up! He's having a lark.
It's just a giggle.
I can't touch that Cheeantee! Come and look.
I don't want to see it! She don't want to see it! Urgh! Urgh! Switch that horrible racket off! 'Glenda! 'What's happening down there?' Now you've woken that old cow up! It's nothing, go back to sleep.
Oi, that's my nan you're talking about! Get your coats, you're going home.
Brilliant, Del Boy, 'kin brilliant! It was just a joke! MUSIC: "Poor Me" by Adam Faith Making you remember when Baby So tight Each night That's right I kinda hoped that maybe You might Fall for me-e-e 'Reg went to see Adam Faith in the Astoria at Finsbury Park.
'He was a professional sportsman.
You said he was a jockey? 'Yeah, he never gave us a tip!' For me For me Yeah Poor me Night all.
Good night, Joan.
Night.
If she turns back and looks at me, I'm gonna have her.
Ooh! Why, oh, why Do voices say to me Sit and cry That this was meant to be? .
.
that you For me MUFFLED MUSIC CONTINUES MUSIC: "I Want To Walk You Home" by Fats Domino What a coincidence, our favourite record.
If we were teenagers, we'd call it our song.
What do you want? I just wanted to say thanks for the supper.
S'all right.
It was only a bacon sandwich.
See you.
I know how you're feeling, I can remember.
You were on the verge of losing your cherry, weren't you? Yes.
And then you popped your head round the No! No, no, the only thing I was about to lose was my temper.
I've done it lots of times, me! Leave off, Boycie! I saw the desperation in your eyes.
I'll tell you something else I saw.
I saw the way she was looking at you.
Yeah? What, Pam or Glenda? No, the gran! Please, God, let me break my duck soon.
Amen.
Boycie! What?! Her name's Mabel.
I think you two'd be really happy together.
Piss off! There we are.
What'd you reckon to that? Oh, it's beautiful! Imagine rolling round on that.
No more pulling splinters out your arse.
Reenie! My sister gets splinters there, quite a lot.
And once her drawers were covered in coal dust.
Trigger, how about a cup of coffee? Yeah, all right.
Eight cups.
No, I'll be weeing all day.
For us, son.
Oh, right.
Is that kid all right? The other night I saw him looking at the telly, roaring with laughter.
So? The telly weren't on.
He probably thought of something funny.
He's good as gold.
Can we get back to these carpets? Do you like it, Reg? All right, I suppose.
This is top stuff all the way from New York, Mr Trotter.
Come over here, young Del Boy.
All the way from New York? Where you getting this stuff from? Denzil's dad works down the docks, he's head of security.
Are you on the tea-leaf? No.
Why do people always think the worst of me? Where the Trotters are concerned it saves time.
Look, some of the cargos on the ships gets a bit damaged in transit.
They can't send it all back.
So they sells it off cheap and Denzil's old man makes sure I get first dabs.
Let's get one thing straight, I don't take after Dad's family, I take after my mum.
I know you do, darling.
That's what worries me.
A lot of carpets these days are made half wool, half Nylon, but not this stuff, this is guaranteed 100% pure Nylon.
Sound as a pound, it's gear.
What him say? He's saying it'll last you a lifetime.
And Jumbo's dad is a carpet-layer and he's learnt him the trade.
I'm almost City & Guilds.
We sells it, we lays it and we do the whole house for fiver.
SHE SHOUTS The whole house for ã5?! Go on then, I'm in! Go on, Jumbo, get it out.
HORN HONKS Albie Littlewood, you're an ugly git! Yeah, I know you are.
See you later.
All right, Marion? All right.
What do you want to do? What do you mean, "What do I want to do?" I thought we were going to the flicks? Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
Want a little buzzer? No, I don't like 'em.
You shouldn't either, they make you go funny.
Albie, you all right, darling? You all right, Mrs Trotter? I'd keep a tight grip on him for this one, love, it's really scary.
That's Del Boy's mum.
She's nice, ain't she? You fancy your mate's mum? No.
Nojust sayingshe's all right.
What you looking at? Nothing.
What's up? Rayner wants to see you.
Close the door behind you.
Very nice.
New button? No, original.
Good.
Now, as you know, I recently promoted you to the role of my ice-cream girl.
A very important position in the cinema industry.
But I'm beginning to put more and more faith in you and I'd like to offer you the role of part-time assistant manager.
I want you to become my right-hand.
What do you think? I don't know what it means, sir.
I need someone I can trust, Mrs Trotter.
Sometimes, particularly at weekends, that safe can hold up to ã2,000.
That's the kind of responsibility I have.
And I need you here to, well, check all my calculations.
There will be a rise.
(I have that sort of power.
) Oh look, suits you.
I've never been good at arithmetic.
Don't worry, I will learn you.
Look.
Yes, it's nice.
No, no, no, no, no, no, look deep inside.
Acclimatise yourself.
Yes, I've never seen a nicer safe.
Right, off you go then.
Film's about to start.
Thank you! KEY TURNS IN LOCK RADIO: First Movement of Beethoven's Eroica '"Gloria Ming heard the gentle tap on her bedroom door, '"and, with excitement reverberating in her voice, called "Enter".
'"And Captain Pierre-Luc Fontaine stepped into the room.
'"He swept forward and embraced her passionately.
'"Then, looking deep into her eyes, he whispered"' Couldn't lend us a couple of quid, could you? You all right, love? Yeah.
Where you off to? Silly question.
Me and Dad are popping down the Nags Head to see a man about a dog.
I've only got a couple of bob, I don't get paid till Thursday.
Shit! What's that? Oh, it's the carpet.
Del Boy said that might happen.
It's a new thing they've got called scatic.
I hate liars.
Don't wait up! I won't.
What's happening, Reggie? Freddie the Frog wants to have a word with me, and if Freddie Robdal wants to talk there's usually money involved.
Fingers crossed, son.
MUSIC: "Sweet Nothin's" by Brenda Lee Poxy carpet! KNOCK AT DOOR Hello, Joan.
Nice to see you again.
How are you? What? I'm all right, thanks.
What do you want? Yes, I'm all right as well, thank you.
Oh, sorry.
What d'you want? I just wanted a quick chat with Reg.
He went down the pub.
It's only five minutes down the road.
I imagine you must know the way off by heart.
Yeah, but I've got some urgent business to attend to over Fulham.
Have you got the number of The Nags Head? I imagine you must know it off by heart.
No, I don't know it off by heart as it happens, actually.
I've got it in my address book.
I'll go and get it.
Appreciate it.
Come on, mate, let's get stuck in! What's that? That's just a bit of rock and chips.
We sold every roll of that carpet in one day.
One day! Almost every house in the street.
We'll make a little fortune.
Imagine if we'd had two van-loads, or a lorry.
You know when we watch these Hollywood films? You see what they've got in America? Big fridges, colour televisions.
Well, soon that'll be coming here and we'll be waiting for it.
I guarantee you, one day, I'm going to be a millionaire.
And me.
Me too.
Same here.
I got dog shit on my shoe.
Oh, thanks, Trig! I can't eat this now.
Don't waste it.
What are you doing, that's my tea! Shot! Spot on! Just find me a big lake, I fancy a walk.
Oi, just cos yours went out the window! Get your own! Hope you don't mind, but that fog out there was getting right into my lungs.
What's that on your floor? It's our new carpet.
Oh, you know about it then? It's different.
Very different.
Yeah, we like it as well.
There you are.
Thanks.
Can I use your phone? We're not on the phone.
Got a bit of paper? So I can write the number down.
Yeah, wait a minute.
What'd you want with Reg? I've just got myself a flat and I want it decorated I remember Reg saying he does wallpapering and painting.
Yeah, he did this room.
There you go.
Thanks.
Got a pen? Do you want me to write it down for you? Do you mind? You're a treasure.
I've got a pen here somewhere, can't remember where I put it.
You're not very well organised, are you? Oh, is that right? Well, I'll have you know I've just been promoted.
I'm now the assistant manager of the Ritz cinema, part-time.
Ooh.
What'd you do? Count the peanuts? I've got a very responsible role.
Sometimes, specially at weekends, there's over ã2,000 in the safe.
I wish you hadn't said that.
Just leave it will you! What's happened? We was walking down the High Street and someone on a bus chucked a saveloy at Reg.
Hit him right on the head.
Shut up about it! Well, it ain't fair.
You bought that suit for a special occasion.
Your funeral! Now shut up.
Where's Fred? What do you want with Freddie? It's not what Reg wants with Fred, it's what Freddie wants with Reg.
He said he had a job for me, he picked me specially for it.
His khazi must be blocked again.
MUSIC: "El Paso" by Marty Robbins He's put a rec I can't believe he's done that.
I lived in a house like this when I was a kid.
My old mum used to call this front room "the best room".
Only used it for special occasions, you know, Christmas or funerals.
Your mum still live round here? No, she died in the war.
I was away in the Navy.
My mum died in the Blitz.
I'm sorry.
Horrible, isn't it, family deaths? My cousin Norman died last month.
He worked up the Nescafe factory.
He had an industrial accident, fell into a vat of coffee powder and suffocated.
Oh, God, what a horrible way to go.
No, it was instant.
Oh, well, I suppose that's a small consolation.
You like Bellini? Bellini? Giovanni Bellini.
Italian Renaissance painter.
It's Agony In The Garden.
What is? That is.
Is that supposed to be the Garden of Eden? No, that's Gethsemane.
They didn't have gardens the way we know 'em.
You know, cat shit and mangles.
Do you know a lot about art? I've been involved in art, in some way or another, for most of my adult life.
I've always loved it, since I was a kid.
Same here.
I used to look at the paintings on the walls at our school.
And me.
Crap, weren't they? Yeah! Do you want me to give Reg a message? Yeah.
Tell him I want him round my flat, 8.
30 Monday morning.
Yeah, all right.
That's my home phone number.
Call me anytime you like.
Any time at all.
Why would I want to phone you? No, this is still my message to Reg.
Oh, sorry.
When it's finished, I'll have a house-warming party.
Couple of bottles of decent wine, fancy nibbles, bit of music, have a few friends over.
Sounds nice.
See you.
Would you like to come to my party, Joan? Me? Well, um It's a bit You and Reg.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Good.
I wasn't really looking forward to it.
Now I am.
Bye.
What's that?! You better be careful, girl.
We might set something on fire.
It was instant! EXPLOSION, ALARM RINGS There you are, Mr Rayner, the baddies won't get through that.
I should hope not.
This has come as a great shock to all of us.
Look what it's done to your poor mother.
I know a few people in the building trade and I got the lock nice and cheap.
Just give me ã3 including labour.
Your mother can get the money from petty cash.
Off you go, young man.
Oh, see you later, Mum.
Bye, darling.
SING-SONG VOICE Mrs Trotter! Well, this is a rum do, isn't it? How did they know the money was there? I can't imagine.
The police said they might have just been opportunists.
Yes, maybe.
But it means that you must be better prepared.
We live in dangerous times, Mrs Trotter, or may I call you Joan Mavis? I prefer Mrs Trotter.
Yes, of course.
Well, I've spoken to Raymond and now I'm speaking to you.
All staff must learn self-defence.
What? Go to evening school? Not necessary.
I trained in self-defence in the Army.
There you see.
There, you see, the power of surprise.
You didn't expect that, did you? Well, actually This is called the Burmese death-hold.
There is no escape.
Once you've a person in this position, they're powerless, you can do whatever you want to them.
You can Off you go then! Things to be done! Quickly, quickly! Thank you! Miss Turpin, would you take your position? You're very to the point, Raymond.
They usually buy me a port and lemon first.
Will you stop all that, please? I know you're trying to embarrass me, winking at me, but it won't work.
If it continues, I'll report you to higher authorities.
Orders from Mr Rayner.
We've all got to learn self-defence.
Ooh, Raymond, fancy getting down on the carpet and having a quick Boston Crab? Right, that's it! I've had enough! Mr Rayner! Urgh! Urgh! Get out! Oh, my God.
No, come back! I feel ill! Raymond! Let me explain! I'm going home! No, no! Raymond! There's a simple explanation! Raymond! It's not what it looks like! Why did I ever let that Trotter boy onto the premises? Raymond! Jelly said you wanted to see me.
All right, Reggie? Looking forward to the party tonight? I hope you got plenty in cos I've got a cutting thirst after all that painting and decorating.
Someone said your missus what's her name, Joan? She's making her own way here tonight.
She's doing overtime at the Ritz, clearing up after the safe was blown last night.
You were a bit slow there, weren't you, Fred? Should have had a word with my missus, she knew how much was in that safe.
No, I'm a changed character.
It's the straight and narrow for me, Reg.
I believe you, thousands wouldn't.
Yeah, Joan'll come along when she's finished.
I'll meet my Dad, Reenie and Clayton at the pub and get a bus over.
So what do you wanna see me about? I've gotta pay you, ain't I? So, as soon as you're finished, money's yours.
But I've finished.
You're having the flat-warming tonight.
No, you ain't finished yet.
We've got unused rolls of wallpaper, unopened tins of paint.
I got 'em all on sale or return, so take 'em back, get my refund, I'll settle up with you.
Where'd you get it from? A little wholesaler's just outside Guildford.
Guildford?! That's 50 miles away! How am I supposed to get all this back to Guildford? I ain't got a car! Yes, you have, it's a green Jaguar.
You'll let me drive your Jag? I trust you, Reg.
I tell you what, instead of your dad and the others getting a bus to the party, pick 'em up in the Jag.
Better still, why don't you take them to Guildford with you? A nice little ride in the country.
And here are, as a bonus, treat 'em all to a cream tea and a couple of beers.
You are a saint, Fred, a 24-carat saint.
Go on, get going, will you, you'll have me in tears.
Beep-beep.
GEARS CRUNCH Let's have a party.
RADIO PLAYS ENGINE SPLUTTERS I like what you've done with your hair, it suits you.
Oh, thanks.
Fancy a drink? I'll have whatever you're having.
Joanie, put a record on.
I thought the others would have been back by now.
Me too.
But knowing that lot, I wouldn't be surprised if they ain't run out of petrol in the middle of nowhere.
We out of petrol.
But we're in the middle of nowhere.
We can't have.
The fuel gauge says full.
The gauge was jammed with this.
Who'd do something like that? Kids.
CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS They're very late, aren't they? Yeah.
Can't understand it, I mean, they only had to drive to Guildford and that was nine hours ago.
I hope they haven't broken down in your car.
Comme si, comme ca.
Reenie can't do a lot of walking, she's wearing brand new shoes, her feet'll be covered in blisters.
Reenie's had blisters in worse places than that.
Stop worrying about Reenie's feet and relax.
I like this.
This opera? Classical.
Bach's Brandenburg Concerto.
Brandenburg Concerto.
I've never heard it before.
What was that you said just now? Come and see something like that? Comme si, comme ca.
It's French.
I didn't know you spoke French.
That's why we have parties, so we can learn things about each other.
Why do you keep kissing me? Cos I want to learn.
Learn what? What it's like to be Reg.
He can look at you, he can talk to you, he can kiss you.
Any time, day or night.
It's good.
Do you like Rossini? Oh, I'll drink anything.
And what will I learn about you? What's your history? You want to know about me? All right.
I'll tell you all about me, during a dance.
A dance? But there's only the two of us.
Well, I don't mean a Morris dance.
MUSIC: "If I Give You My Love" by Ray Charles Still not here, are they? No.
They're not coming to the party, are they? No.
They never were, were they? No.
It was always just you and me? Yes.
Tell me, Mr Robdal, why did you want it to be just the two of us? I wanted to talk to you.
What about? Art.
What about art? We're both lovers of art.
I can tell.
Did you see the paintings on my living room wall? Yeah, but that don't matter.
I do a part-time job at the town hall.
And years before I worked there, they had a famous painting by a bloke called Stubbs.
But someone broke in one night and stole it.
Aw, this country! I saw a photo of it.
It was men in funny clothes and a skinny horse.
It was exactly the same as that.
You ever been to the National? No.
I went to the Derby once.
No.
Not the Grand National, the National Gallery in London.
I didn't know it was there.
I used to go at least once a month, before I became busy in Devon.
I've got an idea.
Let's go there.
You've never been and it must have changed a lot while I've been away.
But I'm a married woman.
I can't go on a date with you.
What would Reg think? Reg'll understand.
I'll make sure of that.
Come on.
C'est la vie, as they say in France.
What's that mean? C'est la vie? It means that's life, flow with the tide.
Come on.
I'll show you Monet's Room.
Have you seen Monet's work? You'll love it.
We'll have a butcher's at all of 'em.
'Olbein's despair, Van Gogh's madness, 'Ogarth's lament.
We'll get up close, see the genius and fury in every stroke.
Then we'll stand back and gaze on glory.
What'd you reckon, eh, girl? You and me? Let's gaze on glory.
Yeah.
All right.
Let's do it.
We won't be doing anyone any harm, will we? It's like what the French say, it's Tel Aviv.
That's right, it's Tel Aviv.
Look at the state of my foot! Urgh, that's revolting! This foot! Oh, Gawd, that's even worse! You're lucky you ain't an horse, love, they'd shoot you.
There are more important things than your poxy feet.
Look at me, I'm cold and starving.
Why don't you give that a rest, eh? Don't you talk to me like that, Reg Trotter.
I ain't your wife.
I'll give you a smack in the mooey! I'll give you one straight back.
You would as well, wouldn't you? I've seen my Joanie's face on a few Monday mornings.
On Sunday nights, she keeps bashing into cupboard doors.
You're trying my patience, Reenie.
Don't push me too far or you'll be sorry.
Reg.
I wouldn't take the conversation any further if I was you.
Otherwise somebody round here will be real sorry but take it from me, it won't be Reenie.
You understand? I can't be bothered with all this.
Come, sit down.
You all right? MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS You sorry now? I should feel bad, shouldn't I? Do you feel bad? Ever so, but you know Would it help if I felt guilty for the both of us? Well, you chased me, turning my head like that, so it's all your fault.
Well, now you're forgiving.
Do you fancy being forgiving again in a minute? Shut up! You know your cousin Norman, the one who fell into all that coffee powder? Oh, yeah.
Tragic.
Well, I knew that was a joke right from the start.
Yeah! So why didn't you laugh? Didn't think it was funny.
I felt rotten about making that joke.
It was in very bad taste.
See, Norman did die but not like that.
Natural causes.
I was the executor of his will, had to arrange the funeral, everything.
He had three great loves, football, racing and bowls.
That was it with Norman.
So I scattered some of his remains on the centre circle at Charlton, some on the finishing line at Ascot, and the rest on his favourite bowling green.
Oh That was nice.
Police didn't think so, they arrested me.
Why? Were you supposed to get permission? No, they said I should have had him cremated.
Git! I knew! Course you did! I did! I did, really!! Girl, you are too easy! My old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And lives in a council flat He looks a proper nana In his great big hobnail boots He's such a job to pull 'em up That he calls them daisy roots My old man's a dustman He wears a dustman's hat He wears cor blimey trousers And he lives in a council flat He looks a proper na na Can you smell that? Get off! I thought that pong was you.
Don! I think the egg's gone off in this salad roll.
There's no egg in it.
Waste not, want not.
So if you see a dustman Looking all pale and sad Don't kick him in the dustbin Cos it might be my old dad I might have asked this before, but why have we got to travel all the way to Clapham for this? Yeah, you have asked before and as I explained before it's the only one opened at weekends, and this one's perfect coz everyone's away on the beano.
Besides, as far as I know, it's the only one that offers its special service.
Cumberland gap, Cumberland gap 15 miles on the Cumberland gap Cumberland gap, Cumberland gap 15 miles on the Cumberland gap THEY CHEER What do you want, Slater? Are they drugs? Course not! Do you think we're stupid or something? What are they then? They're they're breath fresheners.
Yeah, in case we meet some girls at the halfway house.
Yes! Good idea.
Cheers.
This is the only one in London that keeps your information confidential.
You don't even have to give your real name here.
Why didn't you just go and see your family doctor, Doctor Becker? He'd have kept your information confidential from everyone.
Yeah, everyone except Reg.
But, as much as I hate his guts, he's your husband and the father, he's got a right to know.
And say I am in the club? What's Reg gonna do? He's gonna start moaning and groaning about me losing both my jobs, cos once they get wind of me being pregnant, they'll sack me.
But if I'm not, then nobody knows and no harm's done.
How many you missed? Two, sort of.
Sort of? Three.
Three! S'cuse me, love, tell the midwife to finish her tea and get down here quickly.
Shut up! Just because you miss a monthly it doesn't automatically mean you're pregnant.
It could be my change has come early.
Don't be ridiculous! I just want it confirmed one way or another before I make an announcement in The Times! Next! I suppose if you are up the duff at least you might get one of them council flats.
I phoned in the week and made an appointment.
Name? Gloria Ming.
Ah, yes.
If you'd like to take a seat Miss Ming, Doctor will see you soon.
MUSIC: "Lovin' Up A Storm" by Jerry Lee Lewis Shit a brick! You'll be on Come Dancing next, Slater! What's the matter with that boy? He's dancing like an Italian.
Talking of that.
The newspapers say we joining this European commonwealth market ting.
With the Germans and the French.
It's true? It's bollocks.
Course it is.
Go to a party with the Germans? It took us six years to make the bastards go home last time! Gloria Ming? Why'd you have use the name of the Chinese girl out of your book? Like I said, you don't have to give your real name.
So why didn't you just call yourself Smith? Oh, come on.
No-one's gonna call themselves Smith! I wanted to be different.
Gloria Ming?! That's different all right.
Pay attention.
I will call out your names and indicate your cubicle.
Right.
Smith! Linda.
Cubicle 4.
Smith! Maureen.
Cubicle 7.
Smith! What have the French got to offer us? Citroens and snails, that's all, Citroens and snails.
I don't understand how they can eat them kind of creatures.
You ever seen a snail close up? Looks like a bogey in a crash helmet.
Smith! Pamela.
Cubicle 9.
Minge! What's he say?! Minge? Minge?! Minge, Gloria.
I'm not having this! Ignore him, he's a prick.
Minge! Excuse me.
Are you Minge? No.
I'm looking for Minge.
Minge! It's not Minge, moron.
It's Ming! Ming? It's Chinese.
Chinese? But you don't I was adopted! Oh, right.
Cubicle 8.
Cock! It's Cook.
Number 3.
EXPLOSION Stop worrying.
Want a fag? Yeah.
I've got to phone 'em next Wednesday for the results.
If I'm not pregnant, I'll throw a party.
I don't care what the cause of it is, I'm going to have a party.
Good.
Make up for that party we all missed at Fred's place.
Yeah.
I'm surprised Freddie didn't lose his temper, keeping his car out all night like that.
In the old days an ambulance crew would have been on overtime.
Fred? He's not violent.
I mean, he's been living in Devon.
He said he was the Curator of Art at Exeter University.
'The Curator of Art at Exeter University? 'You daft mare, he's a villain.
' He's just back from serving ten years in Dartmoor Prison.
My brother used to hang around with him when they were lads.
I mean, they were very different.
Said he was knocking off cigarette machines but even then, Fred had his eye on safes.
'Sometimes, specially at weekends, there's over ã2,000 in the safe.
' Naturally, he got caught time and again.
In the end, he was called up and joined the Navy.
They taught him to be a frogman.
That's how he got the nickname, Freddie the Frog.
He used to put mines under enemy boats.
But the moment he was demobbed, he went back to his old ways, stealing jewellery and his speciality, paintings.
'It was exactly the same as that.
' No wonder his wife keeps her distance.
MUSIC: "Cathy's Clown" by The Everly Brothers He's like that dancer in the films, isn't he? Ginger Rogers! Gingivitis, more like! BOYS LAUGH Oi, Albie, still ugly.
Yeah, I know.
What's up with you? You look like a turkey who's just got his first Christmas card.
That bird, Marion, given him the sack.
Her mum and dad invited him to their anniversary party and he had a slash in their ornamental fishpond.
I was a bit depressed.
Shouldn't think the goldfish threw a carnival.
I really loved Marion.
She was the best girl I ever met, so I asked her to marry me and the shitty old cow turned me down.
Albie, why'd you wanna get married? You're only young.
My dad was married at my age.
Yeah, but not to your mum.
Here, have one of these.
These'll cheer you up.
What are you two plonkers doing? You on drugs? Ssshhh! They're just make-you-feel-better pills.
Lots of rockstars take these.
And you look like a rockstar, Jumbo, don't you? I keep mistaking him for Buddy Holly.
He's dead.
And so will you be if you keep sucking those little sweeties.
Come along you lot, we're supposed to be The Jolly Boys.
Let's get out there and have a beano! ALL CHEER Have a good sleep, Slater.
Pick you up on the way back! TV: 'You can stop off anywhere you like in the world.
'I could, but I don't.
I go to Butlins.
'Instead of Honolulu? Yes, you see' Reg.
What? I'm pregnant.
HE SWITCHES TV OFF How? How? That's what I said until she explained it happened one night when I came home from a Millwall match celebrating and feeling a bit frisky, you know how it is.
Well, I shouldn't imagine you do! Anyway, I was too far gone to even remember it myself.
No, no, wait a minute, it don't make sense.
Celebrating after a Millwall match?! That's true.
We ain't won nothing for years.
Oh, you know what I'm like with football.
They won something, a corner or a throw-in or something, and you were really, well, you know how you get.
And I come home and I turned on me masculine charm, didn't I? Yeah.
SHE RETCHES Morning sickness.
None of my business but Joanie's going to lose both her jobs.
That's where I come in.
I know someone in the lampshade trade.
They provide a load of wire frames and the material and you make 'em into lampshades.
Sixpence a shade, 40 a day, that's a tenner a week.
It's boring work, but it'll pay the rent and put the bacon on the table.
And it'll give her something to do once the baby's born.
How? What'd you mean "how?".
Don't they teach you nothing at your school? I don't mean how'd it happen.
I mean, how could you? With that lump of gristle? Oi, you'll get a clump round the earhole in a minute.
Boys, boys! Look, you don't understand.
We might argue but me and your dad are husband and wife and there are things that husbands and wives do.
SHE RETCHES Morning sickness.
So what you hoping for? A little brother or a little sister? I don't care! I'm going dancing.
MUSIC: "Wonderful World" by Sam Cooke Two light and bitters.
No.
Two large whiskies and ginger ale.
That's eight bob.
Keep the change.
We celebrating something? Maybe.
All right, what is it? If you've got something to say, say it.
All right.
But don't laugh at me.
I won't like it.
Right.
I think I think I think I may have fallen in love.
In love? Shush! Ever since I've known you, you've always been falling in love.
Who's it this time? Joan.
What that slag from the cinema?! Yes.
All right, I was out of line.
But the thing is, I don't mean to point out the obvious, but she's married to Reg.
It's a marriage in name only.
It's a scrap of paper and an ounce of nine carat, nothing more.
Don, go and get your biggest slate, I'm celebrating.
Reg is gonna be a daddy again.
Yep, my Joan's pregnant.
CHEERING What you doing here? I want you to tell me the truth.
That's rich coming from you, isn't it? I've found out the truth about you! You lied to me, that's the truth! I didn't ever lie to you.
You didn't tell me you were married.
Well, there's that.
But I didn't say I wasn't! Anyway, that all ended years ago.
I don't like you barging into my house.
How did you get in? How'd I get? Joanie, I was one digit away from cracking the Bank Of England.
So a key on a string ain't going to hold me back for very long, is it? You didn't tell me you'd been in prison.
I've served my time.
I've paid my dues.
What's happened? Somebody been whispering in your ear? Don't listen to 'em.
You and me, we were meant for each other, girl.
I mean, we're so alike.
No, we're not.
I sell choc-ices and you blow people's safes up.
Did you blow up the safe at the Ritz Cinema? Well, of course I did! You've gotta look beyond things like that, ice cream and gelignite.
Think about our art, our music.
Yeah, I fell for all that, didn't I? The National Gallery and the Battenberg Concerto.
I'm not going to hurt you.
I couldn't ever hurt you.
You've changed.
Yeah, I've come to my senses.
Do forgive me, I completely forgot myself.
Congratulations, Joan.
I've just heard the good news.
Someone should be celebrating.
Like, whoever the father is.
It's nothing to do with you.
Joanie, you don't understand.
I love .
.
the idea of having a kid of me own.
As I was driving round here, I was hoping you'd tell me that little chavvy in there is mine.
Well? Is it? If you can't bring yourself to say it then nod your head.
Just nod your head, it's easy.
Go on, nod your head.
All right.
That's OK.
That's OK.
I owe you an apology.
For what? Well, you know, for slipping you one like that.
It was most uncalled for.
Still, something good's come of it, for you at least.
No more lugging that big tray of ice-cream around.
And no more making tea for the town hall.
See you.
I'm a part-time filing clerk who sometimes makes the tea.
MUSIC: "Save The Last Dance For Me" by The Drifters This is it.
Have a look round.
The bedrooms are through there.
There's no dialling tone.
No, it's not connected yet.
But it's a start, isn't it? Yes, darling, it's a start.
Almost there, darling, I can see the baby's head.
Put that cigarette out! Have you and your husband thought of any names? He named our first one.
Now it's my turn.
If it's a girl, it's Irene.
If it's a boy, it's Rodney?! Rodney?! MANY VOICES: Rodney?! Where's my husband? Your husband went over to the party opposite, and his father went with him.
He's gone to a party? No, he said he was going over there to complain about the noise.
When was that? About three hours ago.
Look after lickle Rodney, otherwise I'll come back here and tell you off.
Thank you.
Thank you for everything.
Well, here you are Rodney.
Welcome to your world.
Don't worry, your big brother Del's gonna be very rich one day and he'll look after all of us.
I named you after a real handsome actor called Rod Taylor.
He's in a film by HG Wells, so you're almost cultural.
MUSIC: "I Want To Walk You Home" by Fats Domino Please let me walk you home Tell me that I have to wait