Roommates s01e01 Episode Script

Katie? Katie Bowman? The door! Hold it! Mark? Mark Fletcher? Katie Bowman? What a totally random surprise.
I haven't seen you since high school.
You got taller.
Really? You haven't changed at all.
Are you going up? Is it still this way? Sure.
Do you still see anyone from high school? Do you rember Ben Armstrong? What a jerk.
He superglued my hands to my face.
We got together after college.
Really? He's a nice guy.
Great at gluing.
So are you two still dating? Kinda.
Kinda.
Kinda.
- So what do you? - I'm an actor.
Have you been in anything I've seen? I'm between jobs at the moment.
What was the last thing you were in? Actually, I'm more before jobs at the moment.
I'm temping.
I'm a temp.
This is my floor.
It was nice to see you, Mark.
Do you live in the city? Actually, I'm in Brooklyn with a couple of friends.
One of the rooms opened up, so if you know anyone who's looking Sure.
Actually, I might know someone who'd be interested.
Me, I mean me.
That would be perfect.
Look me up.
I'm on Facebook.
I know.
Roommates 101 - The Roommate v.
1.
00 Last night was incredible, Ben.
Something about makeup sex, huh? Breakup sex.
Makeup sex.
You promised last night if we had sex, we wouldn't have this conversation.
Can't we just be adults about this? - I have to go.
- Got your pants! Got your pants! You can have them back after we talk and figure out what we're doing here.
I told you from the start I'm not ready to get all serious.
Ben, we dated for nine months.
When I think about our entire history we're just throwing away - You wanna have sex one last time? - Do we have to talk after? Okay, the coast is clear.
- Get out.
- Can I say hi to your roommates? Hope thinks you're toxic.
Get dressed and get out now.
Call me.
How'd it go with Ben last night? Did you end it? Did you lay down the law? Oh, yes, I laid down the law.
Absolutely.
See you tomorrow, Katie! I mean, we didn't necessarily follow the law.
We may have actually broken some.
Katie, don't get me wrong, I like Ben.
- You do? - No.
And you know why? He's using you.
And if you keep going back for more, he'll just keep using you.
How do you know I'm not using him? Because you're about to cry.
Maybe that's because I feel guilty for using him.
- All right, here it comes.
- Oh my god.
Look, just promise me you'll never ever see Ben again Not for me, for you.
Okay, I promise.
- I'm gonna be strong.
- I'm gonna be late for work.
Look at you.
You're so together.
You've got this amazing job in television and you still have time to help me out with my messed up love life.
Plus I love that outfit.
Well, you have to dress for success in my position.
See ya.
Mark? Wake up! It's Katie day! You are gonna be roommates with the girl of your dreams.
Thom, go back to bed.
I can't.
I'm too excited.
You'd expect chicken soup and cereal to go well together.
They don't.
Nope, they really don't.
Kids.
Mark? Wake up! All right, that's it! Thom? Mark? - Is that your - Yes, it is.
- You're naked, aren't you? - Yes, I am.
Hope.
I know you were, like, a big tv executive before, but you work in a coffee shop now.
So what part of your uniform are you forgetting? - My smile.
- Uh-huh, your smile.
And your name tag.
At my old job, I didn't have to wear a name tag or a fake smile all the time.
Honey, maybe that's why you got fired.
For your information, I was fired for being too competent.
Then your job here is safe.
- What can I get you? - Green tea, please.
Let's say you make it into the apartment with Katie.
What's the plan then? Simple: I bide my time.
Bide your time? Wrong! Women respect a man of action.
That's why I took up archery.
Women respect a man with imagination.
That's why I read fantasy fiction.
Women do not, however, respect a man who's been sitting by them in class trying to sniff their hair.
I never did that.
It's in the diary, man, clear as day.
I'm an archer.
Here you go, sir.
Oh, excuse me.
This is coffee.
I ordered tea.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
It's a hot drink.
But I have a big interview this morning.
Can I just have my tea instead? That was rude.
You should say something, give her hell.
No, you know, it's not my style.
Here's your tea, sir.
And there's your prize for being this week's most anal customer.
Excuse me.
I have a boyfriend.
No, I wasn't asking you out.
Of course.
You were very rude just then.
You called me anal, and you insulted me for wanting the tea I ordered.
You ordered coffee.
- Tea.
- Coffee.
Tea! I ordered tea! All I wanted was some tea! I'm a baby who wants tea! Are you even a barista? Yeah, and I'd trust my professional opinion over some guy who, as far as I can see, just wandered in off the street.
That's where customers come from.
These are basics Coffee, tea, customers.
They could teach a chicken to peck out the alphabet, surely you can figure this out.
You're gonna be here for the future, so here's a tip: you might wanna learn to distinguish between the two drinks you will serve.
FYI that's coffee, that's tea.
And that's hot chocolate.
- Why do you always say that? - It felt like a "bam" moment.
It wasn't.
But sometimes when I say "bam", it makes it a "bam" moment.
It's important our new roommate has a good sense of humor.
Do you? A sense of humor? I'd like to think so.
Do you think this joke is funny? How does the man in the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it.
I like it.
- I don't think it's funny.
- No, I hate it.
I think it's very funny.
Well, that's because it is.
Five on the sense of humor test.
Your reflexes are good.
You scored one, two, three, four at hacky sack.
Would it be fair to say you are unusually motivated to move into this room? Why would you say that? I've put you through a series of frankly ridiculous tests.
It started out as a joke, but you just didn't ever seem to catch on.
Which begs the question: Why do you wanna move into this apartment so much? Is there, some kind of history between you and Katie? History? Me and Katie, we go way back, but we're just platonic friends.
Really? That's not what she said.
She didn't? She didn't? What did she say? Just kidding.
She said you were platonic friends.
That's right.
We are.
- Although, she did add - What did she say? Again, a joke.
If you really want to live with us, I'm not going to stop you.
There's the contract.
But before you sign it, just be aware that what we want and what is good for us can often be two very different things.
I want you to look deep inside yourself, and ask the question Signed it! Welcome to the apartment.
- Hope.
- Katie! How was your day? Any contact with Ben? Of course not.
I promised, didn't I? Good day at work? You know the life of a busy tv executive.
We're pitching a documentary about how the greeks built the pyramids.
Wasn't that the ancient egyptians? That's what they want you to think.
We're blowing the lid off of that.
- Mark! - I'm your new lover Roommate! I said roommate.
This is our other roommate Hope.
Hope Our roommate Hope.
You are Hope.
Man, this is a funny story! - Hope and I - Have never ever met before.
Ever.
That's not that funny.
So Mark's an actor.
And Hope works in TV.
Maybe you could help him out.
You're an actor.
Hope works in tv.
Do you understand what I am saying? Yeah, it's becoming clearer.
So, Hope, what are you working on at the moment? It's a show about a girl who meets a boy, and never sees that boy again and doesn't live with him because he's a baby who wants tea.
It's called "whaa.
" Maybe Mark could audition for it.
Actually, Katie, I've got an audition for a new show.
I'm up to play a desperate man who knows a girl's secret and threatens to expose her in a heartbeat if she stands in his way.
It's called "I'm moving in, so deal with it.
" Fun.
You know, I think I know a producer who's working on that, actually, Mark.
I met him on a reality show called "I will dance on your grave.
" No, not another dancing show.
Isn't this crazy? We went to high school together.
Now we're roommates.
Totally.
Remember that time Hannah Proops and I snuck those vodka bottles into class? Yes yes, I remember.
- And you took the blame.
- They're mine.
They're all mine! They're mine.
They're all mine! Everyone did that impression of you.
What? They did an impression of me? Taking the blame like that was a really sweet thing to do.
- Can I ask you something? - Sure If a person's roommate has made her promise not to be with someone, but she still wants to be with that person, what do you think she should do? Has this guy made a bad impression on the roommate? The thing is that I know him better.
I've known him a long time.
Right.
If I I mean, this person goes for this guy, don't you think things might get awkward around their apartment? No, I do not.
Not at all? Katie, if you wanna be with someone, you should just go for it.
You don't think I should hold back, physically, I mean? No, I do not.
So, you know, go ahead.
Thanks.
There is absolutely no way Katie could've been talking about anybody else but you.
Thanks.
- You don't think I'm deserting you? - No, buddy.
You've got a genuine chance with a girl, and friends do not get in the way of sexual opportunity.
I expect you'll do the same thing for me one glorious day.
Sure.
It only seems like yesterday, first day of college.
We became inseparable.
Remember what they called us? Mark and his spooky friend.
You're not moving out because secretly you don't wanna be friends with me anymore? Thom, no.
You are the coolest guy I know.
So I better get going.
I promised I wouldn't let myself get emotional.
I'm okay.
I'm okay now.
You can go.
Katie will be waiting.
And unless my watch is wrong, it's a quarter to sex.
Hasta luego, Mark.
Hasta luego.
Ben Armstrong.
Mark Fletcher.
- I'm sorry about that.
- No problem.
It's just a purple smoothie on my pants.
It'll come out When I throw them away.
Awesome.
It looks like you were dirty dancing with Barney.
Good to see you.
Mark, you're home.
I just saw Ben.
So are you two an "item" again? Kinda.
Kinda.
Kinda.
You won't let Hope know he was here? Hope? It's just I don't think she's really objective about Ben, so I followed your advice to just go for it.
My advice.
Right.
Your pants are dirty.
I spilled a drink on myself.
It's no big deal.
You better take 'em off.
Take them off? Quick, or they're gonna stain.
Mark, it's only me.
Don't be shy.
We're roommates.
We're bound to see each other naked.
About Ben, nothing to Hope, right? - You can count on me, kid.
- What would I do without you? Evidently, all the fun stuff.
- We're home! - That's James and Hope.
Isn't this exciting? The whole gang together for the first time? I can't wait.
I'm gonna have such a great time with you.
What happened to the couch? Ben and I were naughty on the couch.
- It was me! Sorry! - Mark, don't.
I got this.
I've dealt with worse things than a rumpled sofa.
Sorry! It was me! What were you doing? You know how it is.
When I get into a new home, I like to try out the couch, so I put a little Bon Jovi on the stereo and made myself comfortable.
I'm sorry, guys.
I'm a bit of a weirdo.
You must really like Bon Jovi.
Who left tissues on my bed? Mark, I think you're in your underpants.
- Look, there's been a - They're mine! They're all mine! They're in the bathroom, too! In every room? You listen to Bon Jovi in every room? Why are we focusing on the negatives here? Welcome to the apartment, Mark! Handcuffs, Mark? I like a challenge.