Rugrats (1991) s01e01 Episode Script

[ gasps]
THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION
Both:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TOMMY.
YOU'RE A WHOLE
YEAR OLD TODAY.
AND, BOY, HAVE WE GOT
SOME GREAT PRESENTS FOR YOU.
WAIT TILL HE SEES
MY PRESENT, DIDI.
DID I TELL YOU ABOUT
THE HOVER-RAMA PROTOTYPE?
YOU DID, STU.
THE BODY'S 36 INCHES LONG
AND YIKES!
JUST PUT IT IN THE PAIL
AND HAND ME
A FRESH DIAPER.
IT'S GOT 300 POUNDS OF LIFT,
CRUISES AT FIVE MILES AN HOUR
HAS THREE REVERSE THRUSTERS
AND TWO ON THE BACK
TO TURN THE THING.
LET GO
OF MOMMY'S EARRINGS.
IT TAKES THREE
"D" BATTERIES
TWO DOUBLE A's, A "C"
AND ONE OF THOSE
NINE-VOLT GUYS.
MUMMY'S EAR'S NOT A TOY.
THIS TOY IS MY
GREATEST INVENTION YET.
IT'S GOING TO PUT
PICKLE'S TOYS ON THE MAP.
OKAY.
LET'S SEE WHAT THE BOOK SAYS.
"EATING TECHNIQUE,
AGE 12 MONTHS."
WE DISTRACT TOMMY
WITH PLAY ACTING.
WE PRETEND THAT THIS SPOON
IS ACTUALLY
THE SPACE SHUTTLE?
LIPSCHITZ KNOWS BEST, STU.
NOW, LET'S TRY IT.
OKAY, TOMMY
OPEN THE POD BAY DOOR.
A LITTLE TO THE LEFT, STU.
STU, LET'S DO
THE BIRTHDAY CHECKLIST.
OKAY. SHOOT.
CARROT-BRAN CAKE
WITH HEALTH NUGGETS.
CHECK.
PIN THE TAIL
ON THE DONKEY.
SAFETY VERSION
WITH SUCTION CUPS. CHECK.
THE PUPPET SHOW?
PUPPETEERS, STAGE, PROPS,
AND PUPPETS ARRIVE AT 11:00.
PERFECT.
A PUPPET SHOW
FOR ONE-YEAR-OLDS?
THEY WON'T
EVEN REMEMBER IT.
THEY'LL REMEMBER
THIS ONE, POP--
RATED NUMBER ONE
BY BIRTHDAYMAGAZINE.
DO WE WANT TO BE REMEMBERED
AS THE FAMILY
THAT SETTLED FOR LESS?
YOU'LL GET
STRAINED CARROTS
ON YOUR SHIRT.
THIS ISN'T WORKING.
WAIT. I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
OH, I DON'T KNOW, STU.
ALL MY BOOKS
RECOMMEND AVOIDING DECOYS.
TRUST ME, DIDI.
YOU'VE GOT TO LET THEM KNOW
WHO'S BOSS.
LOOK OVER HERE, TOMMY.
[ sprightly music playing]
HUSKIE'S CHOICE--
HE'LL RUN FASTER
AND JUMP HIGHER.
SO GOOD
you'll almost wish
you were a dog.
HERE'S YOUR CHANCE. LUNGE.
MY FAVORITE SHIRT!
OH, DEAR.
I PAID $75
FOR THIS SHIRT.
IT'S A GEORGIO LAURENTI.
Didi:
I KNOW, HONEY.
Pop:
IT'S JUST A SHIRT.
Stu:
WILL THE STAIN COME OUT?
Didi:
IF WE GET AT IT
QUICKLY ENOUGH.
LET ME GET A SPONGE.
Stu:
HURRY, DIDI.
EVERY MOMENT COUNTS.
THAT SPONGE
IS COLD, DIDI.
JUST A MINUTE THERE,
SCOUT.
YOU DON'T WANT
ANY OF THAT.
YUCK-O!
WHAT YOU WAN
IS SOME OF THE
I SEE YOUR POINT.
[ doorbell buzzes]
I'LL GET IT.
HI, HOWARD. HI, BETTY.
HOW ARE YOU?
WELL
WE ARE TOTALLY PSYCHED
FOR THIS BIRTHDAY THING.
WELL, BETTY
OH, DON'T MIND
HOWARD, DIDI.
HE'S FRAZZED
WITH ALL THESE KIDS.
ACTUALLY
I MEAN THE TWINS
ARE ENOUGH OF A LOAD
AND TODAY WE GOT
LITTLE CHUCKSTER.
THINK WE COULD JUST
PEN THESE PUPS?
PUPPET SHOW
FOR ONE-YEAR-OLDS?
WHEN I WAS A SPUD
WE DIDN'T HAVE PUPPET SHOWS.
FOR ENTERTAINMEN
WE WENT OUT BACK
AND PULLED UP STUMPS.
THEN WE'D WALK 15 MILES
IN THE SNOW
HEY, OLD-TIMER,
HOW THE HECK ARE YOU?
I'VE FELT BETTER.
[ clinking and whirring]
IS SOMEBODY EXCAVATING
DOWNSTAIRS, OR WHAT?
THAT'S STU TINKERING
WITH HIS HAVA-WHATSI
IN HIS WORKSHOP.
THE HAVA WHAT?
DON'T WORRY.
YOU'LL HEAR ALL ABOUT IT.
TOMMY'S GOING TO LOVE THIS.
UGH.
FRISKY LITTLE CRITTERS,
AREN'T THEY?
[ growling]
UH-OH. LOOKS LIKE
SPIKE'S GOING TO TEAR
THAT THING'S LEG OFF.
NO! SPIKE? SPIKE?
DOWN, BOY.
CHUCKIE, PHIL, LIL
I GOT JUST ONE WORD
TO SAY TO YOU.
WHAT?WHAT?
DOG FOOD.
Both:
DOG FOOD?
DOG FOOD. I TRIED TO GET SOME
BUT GRANDPA STOPPED ME.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT
TO EAT THAT STUFF?
SPIKE EATS IT,
AND LOOK AT HIM.
HE CAN DO ANYTHING HE WANTS.
HE EVEN GETS TO SLEEP
IN THE FLOWERS.
MAYBE IF WE EAT DOG FOOD,
WE'LL TURN INTO DOGS.
SHOO, SHOO! GET OUT
OF THOSE FLOWERS.
YOU MEAN WE COULD SLEEP
IN THE FLOWERS?
DOWN, BOY!
STOP IT, SPIKE!
GET OFF OF ME, YOU BIG GALOOT!
AND LICK PEOPLE?
AND WEAR A COLLAR
WITH OUR NAMES ON IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE IT'S NOT
SUCH A GOOD IDEA.
DOGS DON'T HAVE IT
SO GOOD.
THEY'VE ALWAYS GOT
FLEAS AND JUNK.
FLEAS?FLEAS?
LET'S DO IT.LET'S DO IT.
I ALMOST FORGOT TO PUT ON
THEIR LITTLE PARTY HATS.
Betty:
THOSE WILL STAY ON FOR,
OH, THREE MINUTES TOPS.
HEY, ISN'T IT TIME
TO BUST THE PINATA?
Didi:
LET'S WAIT TILL
ALL THE KIDS GET HERE.
WHO'S MISSING?
TOMMY'S COUSIN ANGELICA.
Betty:
OH, RIGHT. ANGELICA.
All:
ANGELICA?
WHEN WE GET TO THE PARTY, DADDY
CAN I PLAY
WITH LITTLE TOMMY?
SURE, SWEETIE.
AUNT DIDI'S BAKING
A BIRTHDAY CAKE
AND THERE'S GOING TO BE
A PUPPET SHOW.
UNCLE STU SAYS IT'S THE BEST ONE
IN THE WHOLE WORLD.
WELL, HERE WE ARE.
[ humming]
Doorbell. Doorbell.
Doorbell.
GREAT.
DREW'S HERE.
Hey, big bro.
Hi, Angelica.
Where are you?
In the workshop
finishing Tommy's
birthday present.
I'll be right up.
SO WHAT ARE YOU
WORKING ON THIS TIME?
I'M GLAD YOU ASKED ME
THAT QUESTION, DREW.
ONE WORD: HOVER-RAMA.
HAVA WHAT?
Stu:
IT'S A TOY I INVENTED FOR TOMMY.
IT'S GOT THREE
REVERSE FAN THRUSTERS
ALL MOUNTED VERTICALLY.
THEN THREE IN BACK
TO TURN IT.
I'LL SHOW YOU.
I'M JUST NOW
WRAPPING IT UP.
UM UM. HI, ANGELICA.
SAY, DO YOU KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT DOG FOOD?
LISTEN UP, DUMMY.
THIS MAY BE YOUR BIRTHDAY
BUT WHEN THE PRESENTS
ARE OPENED
I GET FIRST DIBS
ON THE TOYS.
WHAT ABOUT DOG FOOD?
TOMMY THINKS IF YOU EAT SOME,
MAYBE YOU TURN INTO A DOG.
YOU MEAN I COULD WEAR
A COLLAR WITH SPIKES ON IT?
AND CHASE CATS.
AND HOWL AT THE MOON.
COULD I EVEN BITE
THE MAILMAN?
LET'S DO IT.
YEAH. LET'S GET SOME DOG FOOD.
THAT IS ONE HEFTY
HUNK OF HEALTH FOOD.
PUPPETS, PUPPETS, PUPPETS.
WHERE ARE
THOSE PUPPETS?
STAY COOL, DEED.
BETTY, THIS PARTY'S FUTURE
DEPENDS ON THE PUPPETS.
THE PUPPETEERS WERE SUPPOSED
TO BE HERE 14 MINUTES AGO.
[ doorbell buzzing]
MAYBE THAT'S THEM NOW.
OH.
HI, MOM. HI, DAD.
WHERE IS TOMMY, MAY I ASK?
THERE HE IS.
HELLO, BABY.
HI, GORIS.
HI, MENKA.
LET'S OPEN
THE HOVER
ER, LET'S OPEN
THE PRESENTS.
[ all talking]
LET'S SEE.
THIS ONE'S FROM DREW.
BE CAREFUL.
GEE, DREW.
WILL THIS STIMULATE
HIS IMAGINATION?
I MEAN,
WHAT DOES IT DO?
WHERE ARE
THE BATTERIES?
[ gasping][ gasping]
TOMMY, HERE'S A PRESENT
FROM YOUR OLD DAD.
WATCH THIS, DREW.
WHAT ISTHAT?
THE HOVER-RAMA.
YOU OFF YOUR NUT?
TOMMY'S NOT OLD ENOUGH
FOR THAT.
I'MNOT OLD ENOUGH
FOR IT.
ANYONE CAN WORK THIS THING.
HERE. LET ME SHOW YOU.
[ lever clicking]
OH.
I GUESS I FORGOT THE BATTERIES.
NOW WHERE DID I PUT
THOSE LITTLE..?
AY-YI-YI.
[ speaking Polish]
AW, STU, I'M SURE
ONCE YOU GET IT RUNNING
THE HOVEL-WHATSI
WILL BE
TOMMY'S FAVORITE TOY.
UH, SAY.
LET'S OPEN
HOWARD'S PRESENT.
OOH.
IT'S A TWO-WAY
BABY TALKIE.
PUT ONE IN THE BABY'S BEDROOM
AND TAKE ONE WITH YOU.
YOU CAN HEAR THE BABY CRY.
I'VE HEARD
ABOUT THOSE THINGS.
THIS EMPLOYS
THE LATEST TECHNOLOGY.
YOU CAN TALK BACK
TO THE BABY.
CAN I SEE IT?
SQUADRON LEADER,
THIS IS CONCRETE COWBOY.
THAT'S A BIG 10-4.
I COPY YOU LOUD AND CLEAR.
THIS IS NIFTY.
LET'S TAKE THEM OUT
AND SEE WHAT THEY CAN DO.
THESE UNITS
ARE VOICE-ACTIVATED
HAVE A BUILT-IN
LOUDNESS CONTROL
AND COME WITH FOUR
RANDOM FREQUENCY CHANNELS.
WEE![ grunting]
WHERE'S TOMMY?
WHOO!
YOU STILL HAVE
ALL THESE
WONDERFUL PRESENTS
TO OPEN.
YES, SWEETIE.
YES. THIS PARTY'S
A DISASTER.
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN
THOSE MEN SO HAPPY.
I NEVER LIVE UP TO BEING
THE MOTHER I WANT TO BE--
LIKE THOSE MOMS ON TV.
COME ON, DIDI.
TV's TV. WE'RE REAL.
[ doorbell buzzing]
THE PUPPETEERS.
THIS THE PICKLES' RESIDENCE?
ARE YOU THE PUPPETEERS?
DO I LOOK LIKE ONE?
PUT IT IN THE LIVING ROOM.
THEN WHERE ARE THEY?
INVOICE SAYS
STAGE AND PUPPETS.
I DON'T SEE NOTHING
ABOUT PUPPETEERS.
WHAT GOOD IS THAT
WITHOUT PUPPETEERS?
SIGN HERE, MAC.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
Now that's a big 10-4 there.
ALL MEN REPORT
TO BASE IMMEDIATELY.
THAT'S NOT THE LINGO.
STU, WE'RE IN BIG TROUBLE.
NO BATTERIES?
NO. WE BOOKED THE PUPPETS
BUT NOT THE PUPPETEERS.
GOOD. LET'S JUST GET
DOWN TO EATING CAKE.
WHY DON'T DREW AND I
DO THE SHOW?
NOT THIS INVESTMENT BANKER.
REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED
THE LAST TIME?
HECK, MY
ARM HEALED
AND DREW SEES PERFECTLY
OUT OF THAT EYE.
BESIDES, WE WERE
EIGHT YEARS OLD THEN.
BRO, WE CAN DO
"FAIRY TALE FINALES."
WELL
GREAT. EVERYONE
TO THE LIVING ROOM.
[ Stu speaking in falsetto:]
WE NOW PRESENT
FOR YOUR ENTERTAINMEN
THE CLIMACTIC SCENE
FROM THE CLASSIC
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
Stu:
WHO'S THERE?
IT IS ME,
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD.
UH UM, COME IN.
GRANDMA,
WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE.
WHY, THANK YOU.
GRANDMA,
WHAT BIG EARS YOU HAVE.
YES. THEY'RE
FOR HEARING.
IT'S, "THE BETTER TO HEAR
YOU WITH, MY DEAR."
IT ISN'T.
IT IS.
I BEG TO DIFFER.
DON'T GET UPPITY.
YOU'RE CALLING
MEUPPITY?
YOU AREUPPITY.
YOU WERE UPPITY
LAST TIME TOO.
I DIDN'T WANT
TO DO THIS.
YOU ALWAYS BLAME
EVERYTHING ON ME.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN
A WHINY LITTLE BRAT.
WHINY LITTLE BRAT?
BREAKING MY STUFF
AND RUNNING TO DAD.
TOMMY?
HE'S A DOG ALREADY.
WHAT'S IT LIKE
BEING A DOG?
YOU GOING TO CHASE CATS?
AND POOP ALL OVER
THE BACKYARD?
ARE YOU GOING
TO BITE THE MAILMAN?
STOP THAT, TOMMY.
WAIT! TOMMY!
WE WANT TO BE DOGS TOO.
TOMMY.
YOU CHANGED BACK.
CHANGED BACK FROM WHAT?
A DOG.
NOPE.
I NEVER WAS A DOG.
SPIKE ATE
ALL OUR DOG FOOD.
BUT I WANTED TO SLEEP
IN THE FLOWERS!
AND I WANTED
TO BITE THE MAILMAN.
HMM.
LOOK UP THERE.
THOSE WERE MY
BASEBALL CARDS
AND YOU TRADED THEM
FOR THAT STUPID HAT.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
LEFT THEM IN MY ROOM.
THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF YOU!
BREAK IT UP, OR I'LL
TAN BOTH YOUR HIDES!
HOW ABOUT NOW?
STILL CAN'T REACH IT!
WHAT DO YOU WEIGH NOW,
25 POUNDS?
I CAN'T GO ANY HIGHER!
WAIT.
THAT WAS MY BIKE!
I ONLY BENT
THE HANDLEBARS
BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU DID
TO MY SKATEBOARD.
SKATEBOARD! SKATEBOARD!
LET'S AGREE
TO DISAGREE.
STU, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
WRECKED DREW'S SKATEBOARD.
DREW, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
BENT STU'S HANDLEBARS.
DIDI, LET
THE BOYS ARGUE.
[ beeping]
PUSH IT FORWARD, CHUCKIE!
LITTLE TO THE LEFT!
LITTLE MORE!
JUST A LITTLE MORE!
HE SAID MORE, CHUCKIE.
WHOA!
[ screaming]
[ screaming]
WHOA!
WHOA!
WHOA! WHOO!
NOW LOOK
WHAT YOU'VE DONE.
LET ME FIX IT.
[ screaming]
[ screaming]
DON'T WORRY. I'M GOING
TO BRING HIM IN OVER WATER.
WE BETTER TRY
ANOTHER PASS.
[ screaming]
I THINK YOU BETTER
TRY LOWER THIS TIME.
NO. HIGHER.
LOWER.
HIGHER!
PLEASE!
I'M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE.
WHOA! DOOR! DOOR!
NOW, YOU, STU.
DON'T HOLD BACK.
TONY BOWWOW WAS MY
FAVORITE STUFFED TOY.
[ sniffling]
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO
AND TEAR HIS EARS OFF?
Drew:
IT WAS WRONG, STU.
I WAS ONLY FOUR.
CAN YOU
EVER FORGIVE ME?
[ Stu and Drew sobbing]
OH, NO! MY CAKE!
THE PARTY'S RUINED
MY PERFECT CARROT CAKE
IS DESTROYED
AND THE PUPPET SHOW
IS A DISASTER.
I THOUGHT IT WAS
A SPIRITED PERFORMANCE.
JUST KIDDING.
[ cooing]
GREAT PARTY, HON.
TOO BAD ABOUT
THE CAKE, THOUGH.
OH, NO!
MY OTHER FAVORITE SHIRT!
THIS CAKE SHOULD HAVE
BEEN CHOCOLATE.
IN THE OLD COUNTRY
YOU NEVER HAVE CARROT CAKE
AT A BIRTHDAY PARTY.
THIS ISN'T THE OLD COUNTRY,
OR HAVEN'T YOU NOTICED?
FOR YOUR
INFORMATION, YENTA
CHOCOLATE CAKE
IS INTERNATIONAL.
SUDDENLY HE'S
MR. INTERNATIONAL.
DAD, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE SHOULD HAVE HAD
A CHOCOLATE CAKE.
MOM, YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S NONE
OF HIS BUSINESS.
[ sniffing]
YOU KNOW,
I KIND OF LIKE IT.
WHEN'S THIS STUFF
START WORKING?
IT TAKES
A WHILE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I FELT SOMETHING.
[ barking]
[ barking]
HEY, I THINK
I GOT SOME FLEAS.
ME TOO.
I CAN'T WAIT
TILL WE GROW SOME FUR.
[ arguing]
[ barking]
AHH.AHH.
Captioned by
The Caption Center
WGBH Educational Foundation