Run the World (2021) s01e01 Episode Script
Phenomenal Women
1
["CHERCHEZ LA FEMME" PLAYING]
♪
[WOMEN] Up to it, down to it.
Fuck those who don't do it.
We do it 'cause we used to it,
so drink, my nigga, drink.
[ALL CHEER]
[WHITNEY] Mm, mm-mm.
Yeah, I'm gonna need
to take that in stages.
- Over here.
- Uh, another round?
- No!
- Yes!
I got this new shit
with jalapeño and mezcal.
- Ooh!
- Yeah!
[LAUGHTER]
[ELLA] Hi!
How come I never get asked
to dance by a Lester?
I think it's your face.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Shut up.
Come on, girl, I'll be your Lester.
[LAUGHTER]
♪
[SINGER] For misery, my friends ♪
Cherchez la femme ♪
Hey, now ♪
Cherchez la femme ♪
Oh, yeah Cherchez la femme ♪
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
Your whole "natural early bird" thing
has been bothering me
for the entire 25 years
of my life that I've known you.
[RENEE] Ella, it's 8:30.
Shit!
Yeah, it's probably not the best for you
to be late as fuck
to your first day of work.
[FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[MAN SPEAKING ARABIC]
[ELLA] Remind me why
I spent my early 20s trying to build
a professional reputation
instead of sitting
on a really rich dick.
[RENEE] Exactly.
I mean, what were our mothers
thinking with this whole
"pursuit of educational
excellence" bullshit?
I mean, where was the
"There's nothing wrong
with sleeping your way to the top, baby,
as long as you do it discreetly
and before you turn 26" speech?
It's okay. It's okay. I'll move.
- What?
- [RENEE] No, no, no, not you.
I'm just being invisible woman-ed.
[ELLA] At the bodega?
Mm-hmm.
This female colonizer in here
was literally standing on top of me.
You know the whites can't see us.
Anyway, I was just calling
to wish you good luck.
And don't go into that office
this morning
trying to be yourself.
Try being someone much more likable,
like one of those nice
colored girls from Georgia
we went to school with
who were raised to marry well.
Ishmael, what up? I'm finna be late.
Almost, lady, almost.
- [SIGHS]
- [ELLA] I cannot believe
you're still eating out of the bodega.
Right now it's a requirement.
Are you not hungover?
'Cause I feel like stir-fried shit.
Ah, pain threshold
hovering around three.
Remember when we were 21,
and we could get in
at five in the morning,
drink a Red Bull, and just shake it off?
No, I have very few
lucid memories of my 20s.
Bacon, egg, and cheese.
- Uh!
- Oh!
- That is mine.
- Oh, I thought it was mine.
I am a woman phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, that is me.
♪
- Uh
- Hmm.
Did you just "Phenomenal Woman" her?
Yes, I did.
Oh.
Why she want to make me angry
before 9 a.m.?
I hate when I'm mad on a Monday.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[WOMAN] Hips back, elbows down.
♪
So good, team.
Y'all look so good.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- [BREATHING DEEPLY]
Morning, Mother.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Aunt Zelda?
I haven't heard her name
in over ten years.
Mom, the guest list
has to end somewhere.
- [LINE BEEPS]
- Okay, Mom, this is work.
Mom, this is work!
I won't call you back.
Hello.
No! I told Chad to do it.
His nepotism is really starting to show.
Radha, you run the new numbers.
I'll be in soon.
[MOANING AND WHIMPERING]
Shh!
Quiet.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
- [GROANS]
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Okay.
[BOTH MOANING]
[THUMPING]
- [MOANS]
- [GRUNTS]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
[BOTH GASP]
Daddy, I'm awake.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[AMARI] Daddy?
This is nothing like
when you call me Daddy.
Oh, God.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
And how are we today,
mind, body, and soul?
Um
purple unicorn,
blue heart, pink mermaid.
What about you?
Pink unicorn,
yellow heart, gold mermaid.
You guys ever gonna let Daddy
crack this unicorn code?
[BOTH] Mm, no.
Come on, it's not fair.
Okay, Chicken, close your eyes.
I have a surprise for you.
And open them.
Why are they brown?
Because that is how
all the Black
professional ballerinas do it.
Seems like a bit much
for six weeks of lessons,
though, don't you think?
No, not at all.
Ballet is all about the
aesthetic of the unbroken line.
So pink shoes on a brown leg
is a broken line.
Well, I appreciate
your diligence on the subject.
And as always, your beautiful brain
continues to wow me.
Oh, I got to go.
Uh, I left her tuition check
by the door.
- So, please don't forget it, okay?
- Okay.
And you, I love you. Mwah.
Uh, unicorn,
television set, red mermaid.
- Mm-mm. No.
- No.
But I'm getting it.
- No.
- I'm getting it.
- He's not even close, is he?
- Have a good day, guys.
He is something else.
Mm, who you tellin'?
[FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I like what you've done with the place.
Oh, it's a miracle
I have an office at all.
Whoever the fuck invented
open office floor plans
should be forced to listen
to the Lean Inaudiobook
on repeat for the rest of their lives.
You know the digital revolution
cannot be forged
in an office with walls.
You look good.
- You better?
- Think so.
The "book not selling" stuff, yes.
The being branded a "regressive blow
to fourth-wave feminism" part,
- not so much.
- [BARB] That's bullshit.
Your essay about cooking dinner
ass-naked in an apron and heels
was quite exquisite.
That was a personal story.
I wasn't suggesting it as a practice.
Okay, kiddo, for your first assignment,
you won a trip to cover
Soulja Boy's legends party tonight.
Superman that ho, what? ♪
Superman that ho, What, what? ♪
Come on, Barb.
Ah, don't "Come on, Barb" me.
Soulja Boy
"He is the first true Internet rap star.
He launched a movement
that led to the current wave
of self-produced and distributed artists
that shifted the landscape."
Says who?
Says the fucking press release.
When I woke up this morning
and I thought about
how my first day here would go,
I said to myself,
"Why don't you go
and interview that young man
who basically taught guys everywhere
how to stick sheets onto women's backs
with their semen
and do a dance at the same time?"
I'm sorry, but did I dream
that you called all,
"Barb, Barb, what am I gonna do?
"The critics hate my book,"
begging me for a job?
- No
- [BARB] Sometimes, Ella,
you look up, and life is different.
There's no more car service
or white parties in the Hamptons
or offices with doors that lock
and curtains curtains that close.
Yeah. I blame Matt Lauer.
I blame that motherfucker, too.
Shit.
Look, I was the first
Black editor in chief
of a mainstream
lifestyle publication at 35.
Now I'm 45, and I'm doing this shit.
Adapt, Ella.
Reinvention, that's the game.
You don't see me walking around
all puh and pathetic.
[WHIMPERS]
- I'm not pathetic.
- You a little pathetic.
But you're a good writer,
and you've always been good
with celebrities,
which is why I hired you again.
I just could do without all this
"victim of a failed media
state" shtick you got going on.
Could you just be, I don't know
grateful?
Just be as committed to grateful
as you are to self-pity.
I am grateful, Barb.
Seriously, thank you for everything.
Great.
Get out my office. [LAUGHS]
Whoo!
Now watch me yuuuuuuu ♪
Now watch me yuuuuuuu ♪
[HUMMING]
[SIGHS]
She didn't close the fucking door.
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Oh, hi, you must be Amari's mom.
- I'm Julie. This is Goldie.
- Hi.
I'm Sondi.
I-I'm actually Amari's dad's girlfriend.
I mean, we live together,
and I-I obviously
still keep an apartment
because we're not married, so, um
But I've been in Amari's life
since she was four.
[JULIE] Well, it's nice to meet you.
Our girls just love Amari.
We're so glad she's sticking with it.
Which ones are yours?
Mimi came out looking like her father.
She's in front.
[JULIE] And my Clara's
right next to her.
You can see it in her eyes.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Did you just get here,
or did you see me dance?
I totes got here early,
and you were totes the best one
in the whole entire class.
No, I'm totes not.
Ms. Janet says Clara
has the best technique.
Clara, Shmara.
Don't tell anybody,
but your teacher's a liar.
Chicken, what happened
to the shoes I made for you?
I left them at home. Sorry.
No sorrys, dah-ling.
- BRB.
- Okay.
Hi, I'd like to pay for the next session
for Amari Powell.
Finally.
We usually don't accept
late tuition, but
we love Amari.
We do offer scholarships
for our underprivileged students.
I can give you a brochure.
Um, no, that'll just
wind up in the trash.
Yes, well, Amari's teacher
asked me to give you this.
Nutritional suggestions
for a six-year-old?
Amari has a great
natural facility for ballet.
We just want to help her
avoid some of the pitfalls
unique to the bodies
of dancers with her
ethnic background.
I'll be needing that back. Thanks.
Amari, let's go.
- Did you hear that?
- Ooh!
Seriously, go look
[ZILO] It don't get any clearer ♪
I can see it in the way you move ♪
Come get a little nearer ♪
- [WHITNEY] Seriously?
- [RENEE] Ugh!
Why is everybody trying it today?
I would've smacked that bitch
in the face.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
And now Matthew's over here texting me
like I'm in trouble.
Ooh, teacher's pet is fucking up.
He's the one who has her
enrolled in a school
where they're hypersexualizing
her prepubescent body
and subverting her femininity.
I'll take "Academic Buzzwords"
for $600, Alex.
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, I'm enrolling her
in the Dance Theatre of Harlem.
Maybe you should talk
to Matthew about that first.
Right, 'cause those Negro
ballet slippers
were clearly a miss.
Shit!
What in the whole universe?
Cherise. Cherise.
Hey, girl, you got a first-aid kit?
Legally we're required to,
but we're also supposed to have
fire extinguishers,
so I'ma say no.
[SIGHS] It's okay.
The whole universe is just
not fucking with me today.
Y'all want a round
of Get Drunk or Die Trying?
[ALL] Yes.
Cherise, your titties look
particularly amazing today.
Her tits always look amazing.
[CHERISE] They're good, right?
- I think so.
- Yes.
Oh, sweet child, sweet child.
I'll be back.
Okay. [SIGHS]
- Uh-uh.
- Um
I thought that you said
your wedding was a small,
intimate affair.
Why are there, like,
300 invitations here?
Because this is no longer my wedding.
This is a wedding for Olabisi Adeyemo,
his mother, his 15 aunts from Nigeria,
and my mother
and her ever-expanding list
of society women and church friends.
Honestly, at this point,
I should just invite
each of Cherise's tits.
Weddings are so overrated.
Huh, inspiring prenuptial insights
from our only married friend.
What? For what Jason and I
spent on our wedding,
I could be debt-free
and have bought a small boat.
Okay, before Renee
makes this all about her,
Whitney, have you bought
your wedding tribal dress yet?
Ugh, no.
The tribal colors from his village
are brown and blue.
And they want me to wrap
my $350 bridal updo
in a durag thingy.
I'm pretty sure it's not
a durag exactly.
It's like a crown, bougie.
Oh, and the worst of it,
Ola's mother wants branzino
for the fish entrée.
Mmm, I love branzino.
Uh, no, you don't.
You think you love branzino
because the chefs
always serve it as a special
and people who don't know
better let other people
dictate to them what's
actually special in life.
And because waiters
are always referring to it
as a, um, "European sea bass,"
people get distracted by the fact
that in terms of taste and flavor,
it's just glorified tilapia.
So everybody's passing over
a beautiful piece of halibut
or even a red snapper
because all the chefs of New York
have decided to make branzino a thing.
But branzino's not a thing.
It's just basic.
I think she just called you
a basic bitch.
- Mm-hmm.
- I did no such thing.
- Yes, you did.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what?
I'm gonna take my basic ass
to Matthew's reading
of his essay for The Atlantic,
so you can lick your own
damn wedding invitations.
Hasn't he done several already?
Right, like, how many times
can you present one essay?
It's not like the nigga wrote a book.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay, Matthew Powell will never
turn down an occasion
to hear himself speak in front
of a captive audience, so
No, no, no, no, no, don't go, please.
I was just about to beg you all
to come downtown with me
to this Soulja Boy party tonight.
What's that even mean?
Soulja Boy up in this ♪
Watch me crank it watch me roll ♪
Welcome to my life at Hot Tea Digest.
I keep telling you guys
I did something really evil
in a past life.
Not, like, Hitler evil
but definitely, like,
Clarence Thomas evil.
Okay, Ella, I love you, boo-boo,
but it's a hard no for me.
What about you two?
You can't be serious.
Soulja Boy is a fucking legend. I'm in.
[REMY MA] Come, all, to the E-Z ♪
["CONCEITED" PLAYS]
Yes ♪
See, this ain't nothin'
That you used to ♪
Out of the ordinary and usual ♪
You got to have the mind state ♪
Like I'm so great ♪
And can't nobody do it like you do ♪
Miraculous, phenomenal ♪
See, I look too good
To be fuckin' you ♪
And I look too good to be lovin' you ♪
You know I look way too good
To be stuck with you ♪
I'm conceited I got a reason ♪
See, I look too good
To be getting' whipped ♪
[RENEE] Oh, my God. Is that Jim Jones?
Holy 2006, we just entered
a time capsule.
I'm going to get champs.
I'm gonna go find Soulja Boy.
- Meet you at the bar?
- All right.
I'm coming with you.
What? I want to meet him.
Soulja Boy.
Soulja Boy.
With his tight white tee ♪
♪
Hi. I'm with Hot Tea Digest.
I have an interview with Soulja Boy.
Ma'am, please step away from the rope.
- No press today.
- [RENEE] Oh, please.
How do you even know she's press?
She could be lying.
You know, maybe she's
just some groupie whore
just trying to get in the VIP.
What difference does it make, sir?
Brian!
Well, who invited Ella McFair
to the party?
Hoo!
You look good, girl. Where you been?
- In hiding.
- [BRIAN] Mm.
Can you get me over there?
I need a few bites from Soulja Boy.
Well, hold up. Hold up.
Has-has Ella McFair rejoined the peons
of the entertainment biz?
Brian, please.
You lucky I been tryin' to holla at you
since we was interns.
Hey, yo, let them in. They good.
Wait here.
[RENEE] A'ight.
Go get him.
♪
Hey, Soulja.
Sorry, Miss, but Mr. Tell 'Em
- Mr. who?
- Mr. Tell 'Em, he
Mr. what?
Mr. Soulja Boy Tell 'Em is very specific
about the female optics in his section.
You and your friend
are a bit too mature
- for this part of the club.
- What?
You don't look
"groupie whore" enough.
Oh, my God.
That-that must've been really hard,
for you to say out loud.
- Do you want a hug?
- Come on.
'Cause I hopped up out of the bed,
and I turned my swag on
for you, Mr. Soulja Boy.
God, I wore this dress for a reason.
Come on, I want to talk to that guy.
Soulja was close to letting us in.
[GASPS] Oh, this my shit!
Ah!
["FOR FREE" PLAYING]
♪
[DRAKE] I go on and on ♪
Can't understand how I last so long ♪
I must have superpowers ♪
Last 225,000 hours ♪
[CHRIS] This is like this
every single Monday.
Really? [LAUGHS]
[CHRIS] Hopefully I'll see you
around here more often.
Yeah, well, we'll see.
- Hey.
- [ELLA] Hey.
Good to see you.
[CHRIS] Yeah, it's been a minute.
You want another drink?
Champagne, please.
You know who that is, right?
No.
Dude, that's Chris Cabrera.
He's the community peen.
He's literally fucked everybody we know.
Who?
I fucked him in 2012,
Renee in 2014,
and Lynda with a Y from Pilates in 2015.
His dick is amazing.
Like, incredible, impeccable. Mwah.
I don't know if I'm grossed out
or intrigued.
Dude, you're getting married.
You missed the window for intrigue.
Well, apparently I missed
the window for everything
because I spent my 20s
cooking, cleaning,
and fucking my college sweetheart
instead of fucking that guy.
Well, while you bemoan
your perfect life,
I'm going to go pee and maybe cry.
[TOO $HORT] Ain't nothin'
But pimpin' these days, G ♪
My nigga C got locked up ♪
But these real hos
Still know they gots to fuck ♪
Give a fuck, nigga what you say ♪
Oh!
- [LAUGHS]
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Happy Monday.
["SHAKE IT DOWN" PLAYING]
[SINGER] They love
How we break it down ♪
Let me explain this now ♪
[MOUTHS WORD]
We're bringin' this home ♪
Yeah, bringin' this home ♪
[MOUTHS WORD]
Yeah, bringin' this home ♪
We're bringin' this home ♪
Yeah, bringin' this home ♪
We're bringin' this home ♪
If Black people continue to dissociate
from ideals such as patriotism
and nationalism,
it enables this false concept
of a white nationalist identity
to thrive.
Why wouldn't the people
that built this country
on their backs
with their blood, with their tears
be the most patriotic,
the most convicted
about how this country's
identity is defined?
Well, that's very romantic
but not particularly pragmatic.
I mean, most Black Americans
are still living
a second-class experience.
It's baked into this country's
governing and founding institutions.
Don't you think?
Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Sondi Hill,
She is one of my PhD advisees
in African American Studies
and, as you can see,
an expert contrarian.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Hi.
["NAKED" PLAYING]
♪
[ASHLEY LILINOE]
I surrender to the moment ♪
Now I know there's no reason
To be scared ♪
We are shiftin' shapes ♪
Anderson?
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Well, look at you.
- What are you doing here?
- I took a position at
What are you doing in the country?
I'm back.
You still got MCI? [SCOFFS]
All your calls dropping?
'Cause my number hasn't changed.
- I wanted to tell you in person
- Oh, my God, it's Satan.
Are you okay?
Excuse me?
Oh, yeah, that's your new name, mm-hmm.
Oh, you call me Satan?
Only when I talk about you.
You know, my voodoo
must be getting real rusty,
'cause I vanquished you
from our lives two years ago.
- Renee.
- Don't you "Renee" me.
He's top of the fucking worst.
Wow. The top, huh?
You lucky I got to pee
like a fucking racehorse,
'cause
Protect your set, girl.
She always was my favorite.
♪
I missed you, El.
I didn't miss you at all.
[ASHLEY LILINOE] Peace of mind ♪
The last of humankind yeah ♪
I know you deserve
This beauty undefined ♪
Now I'm finger-paintin' ♪
With the rhythm of the colors ♪
That I never knew were there ♪
I surrender to the moment ♪
Now I know there's no reason ♪
No.
[ASHLEY LILINOE]
We are shiftin' shapes ♪
Amari was inconsolable.
She said you embarrassed her
in front of all her friends,
said she's got to go dance
somewhere else?
I apologize for upsetting Amari,
but I really hate that place for her.
I just want her to feel
confident in her own skin
Okay, but did it ever occur to you
that just maybe
she wants to wear pink shoes
'cause she's a six-year-old
and her favorite color is pink?
She wants to be like
those other little girls,
but she's not like them.
And sooner or later,
they are going to remind her
that she's different and
- You do this every time.
- Do what?
You make every moment a protest song.
For Christ's sake, Sondi, she's a kid.
She's my little girl.
I was just trying to teach her
Okay, stop!
I love that you have
a great relationship with her,
but once again, you've overstepped.
Jeez, sometimes I really wish
you would grow up already.
Excuse me?
I spend my days taking care of your ass
and some other chick's child.
That is as grown-up as it gets for me.
[MATTHEW] Sondi.
[LIGHTSKINKEISHA] Big titties, whoa ♪
Tight dress, no panties
Just to go to the store ♪
Headed outta lil' daddy's
Coming to ♪
Hey, do you still live in the Heights?
Yeah.
You want to share a cab uptown?
[LIGHTSKINKEISHA] Might just
Do this shit forever ♪
I just do it for the cheddar ♪
I ain't even use no effort ♪
I just made some investments ♪
Scratch that off your checklist ♪
Weather got me acting reckless ♪
Fuck a snack a ho breakfast ♪
Have him coming back for seconds ♪
Hey. Hey!
Not in my cab.
[LIGHTSKINKEISHA] Trying
To preach, I'm a blessing ♪
[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
[BOTH MOANING]
[ELLA] Yeah.
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
[ELLA] Come on, come on.
- Yeah.
- [MOANS]
What?
- What's wrong?
- It's, um
I'm-I'm sorry. I just
Oh, this is mad embarrassing. I
I got whiskey dick.
[ELLA SIGHS]
[BOTH SIGH]
My bad. It was an open bar. I
[SIGHS]
Dude, get a bed frame.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
Sondi?
Girl, if you do not start phoning first,
I'ma need to take my spare key back.
[ELLA] Sorry.
I have to finish posting this story,
and I didn't want to be alone.
You do realize the walk of shame
usually ends with the person arriving
at their own home, right?
[ELLA] How'd it go with Matt?
Well, I'm fucking my thesis adviser
and kind of, sort of raising his kid
in an undefined relationship
which could get him fired
and me thrown out of school,
which makes our communication
about me fake stepparenting his daughter
easy and effortless.
Got it.
♪
What's your story?
Anderson was at the party.
- He's back?
- Apparently.
I kissed him.
Ella, seriously?
I'ma need to fuck this dude,
because I don't get it.
It's not the sex.
He's my Big.
No, he's not.
Big was tall, rich, and had a driver.
If you're going to perpetually
humiliate yourself for a man,
he better be tall, rich,
and have a driver.
There's a very clear, well-established
pop-culture road map for this.
We talked about dating guys under 35.
Now, you know I detest
the characterization
of the Black male as shiftless
and no good, but
until they're 35, they ain't
got nothing to offer but dick
Poor, conflicted dick.
Is this the beginning
of the rest of my life?
No.
You do not get to let yourself
into my home
so you can sit here and complain
about your little
champagne problems, okay?
You are a Black girl in America.
We do not get to do that, okay?
Head up.
Eyes on the prize
world domination.
♪
[SONDI] That's right.
[CHUCKLES]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
['SUPERNOVA" PLAYS]
World domination.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[SUNNI COLÓN] I think
I want to be around you ♪
For the rest of my life ♪
I'm just livin' In the moment ♪
Having good times ♪
Hey.
Hey.
[SUNNI COLÓN] For once in my life ♪
Follow me, follow me
Follow me, my supernova ♪
Going up, going up, going up
Till you burst to flames ♪
Turn around, turn around
Turn around, turn around ♪
For no one ♪
Follow me, follow me
Follow me, my supernova ♪
["CHERCHEZ LA FEMME" PLAYING]
♪
[WOMEN] Up to it, down to it.
Fuck those who don't do it.
We do it 'cause we used to it,
so drink, my nigga, drink.
[ALL CHEER]
[WHITNEY] Mm, mm-mm.
Yeah, I'm gonna need
to take that in stages.
- Over here.
- Uh, another round?
- No!
- Yes!
I got this new shit
with jalapeño and mezcal.
- Ooh!
- Yeah!
[LAUGHTER]
[ELLA] Hi!
How come I never get asked
to dance by a Lester?
I think it's your face.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Shut up.
Come on, girl, I'll be your Lester.
[LAUGHTER]
♪
[SINGER] For misery, my friends ♪
Cherchez la femme ♪
Hey, now ♪
Cherchez la femme ♪
Oh, yeah Cherchez la femme ♪
[CELL PHONE BUZZING]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
Your whole "natural early bird" thing
has been bothering me
for the entire 25 years
of my life that I've known you.
[RENEE] Ella, it's 8:30.
Shit!
Yeah, it's probably not the best for you
to be late as fuck
to your first day of work.
[FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[MAN SPEAKING ARABIC]
[ELLA] Remind me why
I spent my early 20s trying to build
a professional reputation
instead of sitting
on a really rich dick.
[RENEE] Exactly.
I mean, what were our mothers
thinking with this whole
"pursuit of educational
excellence" bullshit?
I mean, where was the
"There's nothing wrong
with sleeping your way to the top, baby,
as long as you do it discreetly
and before you turn 26" speech?
It's okay. It's okay. I'll move.
- What?
- [RENEE] No, no, no, not you.
I'm just being invisible woman-ed.
[ELLA] At the bodega?
Mm-hmm.
This female colonizer in here
was literally standing on top of me.
You know the whites can't see us.
Anyway, I was just calling
to wish you good luck.
And don't go into that office
this morning
trying to be yourself.
Try being someone much more likable,
like one of those nice
colored girls from Georgia
we went to school with
who were raised to marry well.
Ishmael, what up? I'm finna be late.
Almost, lady, almost.
- [SIGHS]
- [ELLA] I cannot believe
you're still eating out of the bodega.
Right now it's a requirement.
Are you not hungover?
'Cause I feel like stir-fried shit.
Ah, pain threshold
hovering around three.
Remember when we were 21,
and we could get in
at five in the morning,
drink a Red Bull, and just shake it off?
No, I have very few
lucid memories of my 20s.
Bacon, egg, and cheese.
- Uh!
- Oh!
- That is mine.
- Oh, I thought it was mine.
I am a woman phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman, that is me.
♪
- Uh
- Hmm.
Did you just "Phenomenal Woman" her?
Yes, I did.
Oh.
Why she want to make me angry
before 9 a.m.?
I hate when I'm mad on a Monday.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[WOMAN] Hips back, elbows down.
♪
So good, team.
Y'all look so good.
- [CELL PHONE RINGING]
- [BREATHING DEEPLY]
Morning, Mother.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
Aunt Zelda?
I haven't heard her name
in over ten years.
Mom, the guest list
has to end somewhere.
- [LINE BEEPS]
- Okay, Mom, this is work.
Mom, this is work!
I won't call you back.
Hello.
No! I told Chad to do it.
His nepotism is really starting to show.
Radha, you run the new numbers.
I'll be in soon.
[MOANING AND WHIMPERING]
Shh!
Quiet.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
- [GROANS]
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Okay.
[BOTH MOANING]
[THUMPING]
- [MOANS]
- [GRUNTS]
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
[BOTH GASP]
Daddy, I'm awake.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[AMARI] Daddy?
This is nothing like
when you call me Daddy.
Oh, God.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
And how are we today,
mind, body, and soul?
Um
purple unicorn,
blue heart, pink mermaid.
What about you?
Pink unicorn,
yellow heart, gold mermaid.
You guys ever gonna let Daddy
crack this unicorn code?
[BOTH] Mm, no.
Come on, it's not fair.
Okay, Chicken, close your eyes.
I have a surprise for you.
And open them.
Why are they brown?
Because that is how
all the Black
professional ballerinas do it.
Seems like a bit much
for six weeks of lessons,
though, don't you think?
No, not at all.
Ballet is all about the
aesthetic of the unbroken line.
So pink shoes on a brown leg
is a broken line.
Well, I appreciate
your diligence on the subject.
And as always, your beautiful brain
continues to wow me.
Oh, I got to go.
Uh, I left her tuition check
by the door.
- So, please don't forget it, okay?
- Okay.
And you, I love you. Mwah.
Uh, unicorn,
television set, red mermaid.
- Mm-mm. No.
- No.
But I'm getting it.
- No.
- I'm getting it.
- He's not even close, is he?
- Have a good day, guys.
He is something else.
Mm, who you tellin'?
[FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I like what you've done with the place.
Oh, it's a miracle
I have an office at all.
Whoever the fuck invented
open office floor plans
should be forced to listen
to the Lean Inaudiobook
on repeat for the rest of their lives.
You know the digital revolution
cannot be forged
in an office with walls.
You look good.
- You better?
- Think so.
The "book not selling" stuff, yes.
The being branded a "regressive blow
to fourth-wave feminism" part,
- not so much.
- [BARB] That's bullshit.
Your essay about cooking dinner
ass-naked in an apron and heels
was quite exquisite.
That was a personal story.
I wasn't suggesting it as a practice.
Okay, kiddo, for your first assignment,
you won a trip to cover
Soulja Boy's legends party tonight.
Superman that ho, what? ♪
Superman that ho, What, what? ♪
Come on, Barb.
Ah, don't "Come on, Barb" me.
Soulja Boy
"He is the first true Internet rap star.
He launched a movement
that led to the current wave
of self-produced and distributed artists
that shifted the landscape."
Says who?
Says the fucking press release.
When I woke up this morning
and I thought about
how my first day here would go,
I said to myself,
"Why don't you go
and interview that young man
who basically taught guys everywhere
how to stick sheets onto women's backs
with their semen
and do a dance at the same time?"
I'm sorry, but did I dream
that you called all,
"Barb, Barb, what am I gonna do?
"The critics hate my book,"
begging me for a job?
- No
- [BARB] Sometimes, Ella,
you look up, and life is different.
There's no more car service
or white parties in the Hamptons
or offices with doors that lock
and curtains curtains that close.
Yeah. I blame Matt Lauer.
I blame that motherfucker, too.
Shit.
Look, I was the first
Black editor in chief
of a mainstream
lifestyle publication at 35.
Now I'm 45, and I'm doing this shit.
Adapt, Ella.
Reinvention, that's the game.
You don't see me walking around
all puh and pathetic.
[WHIMPERS]
- I'm not pathetic.
- You a little pathetic.
But you're a good writer,
and you've always been good
with celebrities,
which is why I hired you again.
I just could do without all this
"victim of a failed media
state" shtick you got going on.
Could you just be, I don't know
grateful?
Just be as committed to grateful
as you are to self-pity.
I am grateful, Barb.
Seriously, thank you for everything.
Great.
Get out my office. [LAUGHS]
Whoo!
Now watch me yuuuuuuu ♪
Now watch me yuuuuuuu ♪
[HUMMING]
[SIGHS]
She didn't close the fucking door.
[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Oh, hi, you must be Amari's mom.
- I'm Julie. This is Goldie.
- Hi.
I'm Sondi.
I-I'm actually Amari's dad's girlfriend.
I mean, we live together,
and I-I obviously
still keep an apartment
because we're not married, so, um
But I've been in Amari's life
since she was four.
[JULIE] Well, it's nice to meet you.
Our girls just love Amari.
We're so glad she's sticking with it.
Which ones are yours?
Mimi came out looking like her father.
She's in front.
[JULIE] And my Clara's
right next to her.
You can see it in her eyes.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Did you just get here,
or did you see me dance?
I totes got here early,
and you were totes the best one
in the whole entire class.
No, I'm totes not.
Ms. Janet says Clara
has the best technique.
Clara, Shmara.
Don't tell anybody,
but your teacher's a liar.
Chicken, what happened
to the shoes I made for you?
I left them at home. Sorry.
No sorrys, dah-ling.
- BRB.
- Okay.
Hi, I'd like to pay for the next session
for Amari Powell.
Finally.
We usually don't accept
late tuition, but
we love Amari.
We do offer scholarships
for our underprivileged students.
I can give you a brochure.
Um, no, that'll just
wind up in the trash.
Yes, well, Amari's teacher
asked me to give you this.
Nutritional suggestions
for a six-year-old?
Amari has a great
natural facility for ballet.
We just want to help her
avoid some of the pitfalls
unique to the bodies
of dancers with her
ethnic background.
I'll be needing that back. Thanks.
Amari, let's go.
- Did you hear that?
- Ooh!
Seriously, go look
[ZILO] It don't get any clearer ♪
I can see it in the way you move ♪
Come get a little nearer ♪
- [WHITNEY] Seriously?
- [RENEE] Ugh!
Why is everybody trying it today?
I would've smacked that bitch
in the face.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
And now Matthew's over here texting me
like I'm in trouble.
Ooh, teacher's pet is fucking up.
He's the one who has her
enrolled in a school
where they're hypersexualizing
her prepubescent body
and subverting her femininity.
I'll take "Academic Buzzwords"
for $600, Alex.
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, I'm enrolling her
in the Dance Theatre of Harlem.
Maybe you should talk
to Matthew about that first.
Right, 'cause those Negro
ballet slippers
were clearly a miss.
Shit!
What in the whole universe?
Cherise. Cherise.
Hey, girl, you got a first-aid kit?
Legally we're required to,
but we're also supposed to have
fire extinguishers,
so I'ma say no.
[SIGHS] It's okay.
The whole universe is just
not fucking with me today.
Y'all want a round
of Get Drunk or Die Trying?
[ALL] Yes.
Cherise, your titties look
particularly amazing today.
Her tits always look amazing.
[CHERISE] They're good, right?
- I think so.
- Yes.
Oh, sweet child, sweet child.
I'll be back.
Okay. [SIGHS]
- Uh-uh.
- Um
I thought that you said
your wedding was a small,
intimate affair.
Why are there, like,
300 invitations here?
Because this is no longer my wedding.
This is a wedding for Olabisi Adeyemo,
his mother, his 15 aunts from Nigeria,
and my mother
and her ever-expanding list
of society women and church friends.
Honestly, at this point,
I should just invite
each of Cherise's tits.
Weddings are so overrated.
Huh, inspiring prenuptial insights
from our only married friend.
What? For what Jason and I
spent on our wedding,
I could be debt-free
and have bought a small boat.
Okay, before Renee
makes this all about her,
Whitney, have you bought
your wedding tribal dress yet?
Ugh, no.
The tribal colors from his village
are brown and blue.
And they want me to wrap
my $350 bridal updo
in a durag thingy.
I'm pretty sure it's not
a durag exactly.
It's like a crown, bougie.
Oh, and the worst of it,
Ola's mother wants branzino
for the fish entrée.
Mmm, I love branzino.
Uh, no, you don't.
You think you love branzino
because the chefs
always serve it as a special
and people who don't know
better let other people
dictate to them what's
actually special in life.
And because waiters
are always referring to it
as a, um, "European sea bass,"
people get distracted by the fact
that in terms of taste and flavor,
it's just glorified tilapia.
So everybody's passing over
a beautiful piece of halibut
or even a red snapper
because all the chefs of New York
have decided to make branzino a thing.
But branzino's not a thing.
It's just basic.
I think she just called you
a basic bitch.
- Mm-hmm.
- I did no such thing.
- Yes, you did.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what?
I'm gonna take my basic ass
to Matthew's reading
of his essay for The Atlantic,
so you can lick your own
damn wedding invitations.
Hasn't he done several already?
Right, like, how many times
can you present one essay?
It's not like the nigga wrote a book.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay, Matthew Powell will never
turn down an occasion
to hear himself speak in front
of a captive audience, so
No, no, no, no, no, don't go, please.
I was just about to beg you all
to come downtown with me
to this Soulja Boy party tonight.
What's that even mean?
Soulja Boy up in this ♪
Watch me crank it watch me roll ♪
Welcome to my life at Hot Tea Digest.
I keep telling you guys
I did something really evil
in a past life.
Not, like, Hitler evil
but definitely, like,
Clarence Thomas evil.
Okay, Ella, I love you, boo-boo,
but it's a hard no for me.
What about you two?
You can't be serious.
Soulja Boy is a fucking legend. I'm in.
[REMY MA] Come, all, to the E-Z ♪
["CONCEITED" PLAYS]
Yes ♪
See, this ain't nothin'
That you used to ♪
Out of the ordinary and usual ♪
You got to have the mind state ♪
Like I'm so great ♪
And can't nobody do it like you do ♪
Miraculous, phenomenal ♪
See, I look too good
To be fuckin' you ♪
And I look too good to be lovin' you ♪
You know I look way too good
To be stuck with you ♪
I'm conceited I got a reason ♪
See, I look too good
To be getting' whipped ♪
[RENEE] Oh, my God. Is that Jim Jones?
Holy 2006, we just entered
a time capsule.
I'm going to get champs.
I'm gonna go find Soulja Boy.
- Meet you at the bar?
- All right.
I'm coming with you.
What? I want to meet him.
Soulja Boy.
Soulja Boy.
With his tight white tee ♪
♪
Hi. I'm with Hot Tea Digest.
I have an interview with Soulja Boy.
Ma'am, please step away from the rope.
- No press today.
- [RENEE] Oh, please.
How do you even know she's press?
She could be lying.
You know, maybe she's
just some groupie whore
just trying to get in the VIP.
What difference does it make, sir?
Brian!
Well, who invited Ella McFair
to the party?
Hoo!
You look good, girl. Where you been?
- In hiding.
- [BRIAN] Mm.
Can you get me over there?
I need a few bites from Soulja Boy.
Well, hold up. Hold up.
Has-has Ella McFair rejoined the peons
of the entertainment biz?
Brian, please.
You lucky I been tryin' to holla at you
since we was interns.
Hey, yo, let them in. They good.
Wait here.
[RENEE] A'ight.
Go get him.
♪
Hey, Soulja.
Sorry, Miss, but Mr. Tell 'Em
- Mr. who?
- Mr. Tell 'Em, he
Mr. what?
Mr. Soulja Boy Tell 'Em is very specific
about the female optics in his section.
You and your friend
are a bit too mature
- for this part of the club.
- What?
You don't look
"groupie whore" enough.
Oh, my God.
That-that must've been really hard,
for you to say out loud.
- Do you want a hug?
- Come on.
'Cause I hopped up out of the bed,
and I turned my swag on
for you, Mr. Soulja Boy.
God, I wore this dress for a reason.
Come on, I want to talk to that guy.
Soulja was close to letting us in.
[GASPS] Oh, this my shit!
Ah!
["FOR FREE" PLAYING]
♪
[DRAKE] I go on and on ♪
Can't understand how I last so long ♪
I must have superpowers ♪
Last 225,000 hours ♪
[CHRIS] This is like this
every single Monday.
Really? [LAUGHS]
[CHRIS] Hopefully I'll see you
around here more often.
Yeah, well, we'll see.
- Hey.
- [ELLA] Hey.
Good to see you.
[CHRIS] Yeah, it's been a minute.
You want another drink?
Champagne, please.
You know who that is, right?
No.
Dude, that's Chris Cabrera.
He's the community peen.
He's literally fucked everybody we know.
Who?
I fucked him in 2012,
Renee in 2014,
and Lynda with a Y from Pilates in 2015.
His dick is amazing.
Like, incredible, impeccable. Mwah.
I don't know if I'm grossed out
or intrigued.
Dude, you're getting married.
You missed the window for intrigue.
Well, apparently I missed
the window for everything
because I spent my 20s
cooking, cleaning,
and fucking my college sweetheart
instead of fucking that guy.
Well, while you bemoan
your perfect life,
I'm going to go pee and maybe cry.
[TOO $HORT] Ain't nothin'
But pimpin' these days, G ♪
My nigga C got locked up ♪
But these real hos
Still know they gots to fuck ♪
Give a fuck, nigga what you say ♪
Oh!
- [LAUGHS]
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Happy Monday.
["SHAKE IT DOWN" PLAYING]
[SINGER] They love
How we break it down ♪
Let me explain this now ♪
[MOUTHS WORD]
We're bringin' this home ♪
Yeah, bringin' this home ♪
[MOUTHS WORD]
Yeah, bringin' this home ♪
We're bringin' this home ♪
Yeah, bringin' this home ♪
We're bringin' this home ♪
If Black people continue to dissociate
from ideals such as patriotism
and nationalism,
it enables this false concept
of a white nationalist identity
to thrive.
Why wouldn't the people
that built this country
on their backs
with their blood, with their tears
be the most patriotic,
the most convicted
about how this country's
identity is defined?
Well, that's very romantic
but not particularly pragmatic.
I mean, most Black Americans
are still living
a second-class experience.
It's baked into this country's
governing and founding institutions.
Don't you think?
Ladies and gentlemen, Ms. Sondi Hill,
She is one of my PhD advisees
in African American Studies
and, as you can see,
an expert contrarian.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Hi.
["NAKED" PLAYING]
♪
[ASHLEY LILINOE]
I surrender to the moment ♪
Now I know there's no reason
To be scared ♪
We are shiftin' shapes ♪
Anderson?
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Well, look at you.
- What are you doing here?
- I took a position at
What are you doing in the country?
I'm back.
You still got MCI? [SCOFFS]
All your calls dropping?
'Cause my number hasn't changed.
- I wanted to tell you in person
- Oh, my God, it's Satan.
Are you okay?
Excuse me?
Oh, yeah, that's your new name, mm-hmm.
Oh, you call me Satan?
Only when I talk about you.
You know, my voodoo
must be getting real rusty,
'cause I vanquished you
from our lives two years ago.
- Renee.
- Don't you "Renee" me.
He's top of the fucking worst.
Wow. The top, huh?
You lucky I got to pee
like a fucking racehorse,
'cause
Protect your set, girl.
She always was my favorite.
♪
I missed you, El.
I didn't miss you at all.
[ASHLEY LILINOE] Peace of mind ♪
The last of humankind yeah ♪
I know you deserve
This beauty undefined ♪
Now I'm finger-paintin' ♪
With the rhythm of the colors ♪
That I never knew were there ♪
I surrender to the moment ♪
Now I know there's no reason ♪
No.
[ASHLEY LILINOE]
We are shiftin' shapes ♪
Amari was inconsolable.
She said you embarrassed her
in front of all her friends,
said she's got to go dance
somewhere else?
I apologize for upsetting Amari,
but I really hate that place for her.
I just want her to feel
confident in her own skin
Okay, but did it ever occur to you
that just maybe
she wants to wear pink shoes
'cause she's a six-year-old
and her favorite color is pink?
She wants to be like
those other little girls,
but she's not like them.
And sooner or later,
they are going to remind her
that she's different and
- You do this every time.
- Do what?
You make every moment a protest song.
For Christ's sake, Sondi, she's a kid.
She's my little girl.
I was just trying to teach her
Okay, stop!
I love that you have
a great relationship with her,
but once again, you've overstepped.
Jeez, sometimes I really wish
you would grow up already.
Excuse me?
I spend my days taking care of your ass
and some other chick's child.
That is as grown-up as it gets for me.
[MATTHEW] Sondi.
[LIGHTSKINKEISHA] Big titties, whoa ♪
Tight dress, no panties
Just to go to the store ♪
Headed outta lil' daddy's
Coming to ♪
Hey, do you still live in the Heights?
Yeah.
You want to share a cab uptown?
[LIGHTSKINKEISHA] Might just
Do this shit forever ♪
I just do it for the cheddar ♪
I ain't even use no effort ♪
I just made some investments ♪
Scratch that off your checklist ♪
Weather got me acting reckless ♪
Fuck a snack a ho breakfast ♪
Have him coming back for seconds ♪
Hey. Hey!
Not in my cab.
[LIGHTSKINKEISHA] Trying
To preach, I'm a blessing ♪
[JAZZY PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
[BOTH MOANING]
[ELLA] Yeah.
[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]
[ELLA] Come on, come on.
- Yeah.
- [MOANS]
What?
- What's wrong?
- It's, um
I'm-I'm sorry. I just
Oh, this is mad embarrassing. I
I got whiskey dick.
[ELLA SIGHS]
[BOTH SIGH]
My bad. It was an open bar. I
[SIGHS]
Dude, get a bed frame.
[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
Sondi?
Girl, if you do not start phoning first,
I'ma need to take my spare key back.
[ELLA] Sorry.
I have to finish posting this story,
and I didn't want to be alone.
You do realize the walk of shame
usually ends with the person arriving
at their own home, right?
[ELLA] How'd it go with Matt?
Well, I'm fucking my thesis adviser
and kind of, sort of raising his kid
in an undefined relationship
which could get him fired
and me thrown out of school,
which makes our communication
about me fake stepparenting his daughter
easy and effortless.
Got it.
♪
What's your story?
Anderson was at the party.
- He's back?
- Apparently.
I kissed him.
Ella, seriously?
I'ma need to fuck this dude,
because I don't get it.
It's not the sex.
He's my Big.
No, he's not.
Big was tall, rich, and had a driver.
If you're going to perpetually
humiliate yourself for a man,
he better be tall, rich,
and have a driver.
There's a very clear, well-established
pop-culture road map for this.
We talked about dating guys under 35.
Now, you know I detest
the characterization
of the Black male as shiftless
and no good, but
until they're 35, they ain't
got nothing to offer but dick
Poor, conflicted dick.
Is this the beginning
of the rest of my life?
No.
You do not get to let yourself
into my home
so you can sit here and complain
about your little
champagne problems, okay?
You are a Black girl in America.
We do not get to do that, okay?
Head up.
Eyes on the prize
world domination.
♪
[SONDI] That's right.
[CHUCKLES]
[CELL PHONE CHIMES]
['SUPERNOVA" PLAYS]
World domination.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[SUNNI COLÓN] I think
I want to be around you ♪
For the rest of my life ♪
I'm just livin' In the moment ♪
Having good times ♪
Hey.
Hey.
[SUNNI COLÓN] For once in my life ♪
Follow me, follow me
Follow me, my supernova ♪
Going up, going up, going up
Till you burst to flames ♪
Turn around, turn around
Turn around, turn around ♪
For no one ♪
Follow me, follow me
Follow me, my supernova ♪