Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s01e01 Episode Script
Pilot
1 Hey.
Hi! Now, before you turn this off or change the channel or click on something else, just gimme a second, okay? This is just our pilot, so we're still figuring some stuff out tone, character, format but I think it's gonna be good.
Long term, I am optimistic.
Pretty decent start, right? Direct address.
Breaking the fourth wall.
That Deadpool shit, baby! Pretty millennial how I'm doing it on my phone, too.
But don't worry.
It's not gonna be all "Cloverfield" the whole time.
By the way, I'm Ryan Han Oh! Oh! [POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
Bad day for a dirt nap.
Get the fuck away from the body, asshole.
Can I help you? I'm Ryan Hansen.
That literally means nothing to me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Good one.
I'm your new partner.
Are you fuckin' serious? What's what's going on? Oh, no, no, no.
No, don't look at the camera.
It just breaks the vibe of the show.
Just stay with me, stay in the moment.
Seriously, haircut? This is about to end badly for you.
No, no, no, I'm legit.
Look, the mayor deputized me and everything.
Check it out.
- Did you make that yourself? - Cool, right? What is that, a glamour shot? No, it's my headshot.
What, you don't like it? See, I was gonna go with this other one that was a little more moody, but I figure this one had a little more dangerous smolder to it.
Full deets going for a Dave Navarro with a gun vibe, but I'll be a lot taller.
And, you know, also, I don't have a gun.
Thank God for that.
Now move.
Production said I was dangerously unqualified.
It's some insurance thing or something.
Anyway, my agents are on the issue.
Probably be slingin' heat by Ep.
2, so zero stress.
Is that a prop gun? How about I shoot you, and you tell me? [LAUGHS.]
You're a total loose cannon.
I love it! Okay, dipshit, either you tell me why you're contaminating my crime scene, or I'm gonna arrest you and toss your ass in County.
Okay.
Here's the deal-io.
The big cheese downtown, El Mayoro, wanted to get a handle on the recent uptick in crime in the Hollywood area.
So, he deputized a dozen or so high-profile celebrities, like me, Scotty Caan, Eric Christian Olsen, but I don't think Eric's right for the role, do you? Are you a fan? Anyway, doesn't matter.
Me and the other A-listers are supposed to be like Hollywood liaisons for the LAPD.
Help 'em solve crimes by using our industry connections, sense-memory techniques, our gift of channeling characters.
We're like psychics, but realer, and, like, way better looking.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- Seriously? That's the premise of this show? Yeah, we're calling it "Celebrity Vice Squad.
" - CVS? - Dope, right? Yeah, I get all my tampons there.
Wait, so you're telling me this is actually gonna be on TV? Well, it's more of an Internet webisode thing at the moment.
It's gonna be on YouTube Red.
Wait, the porn site? [LAUGHS.]
No, no, no, you're thinking of RedTube or YouPorn.
Weird, right? 'Cause those are both, like, super popular online pornography sites.
Seems like somebody should have checked on that.
Well, you know what? Enough jaw jackin'.
We got some work to do.
So, what's this dead body's story? Someone killed him.
Maybe, or maybe that's just what this body wants us to think.
You ever read "Blink," Malcolm Gladwell? Genius.
I'm gonna thin slice this.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Nobody killed him.
He jumped.
Really, you sure? Mm-hmm.
I trust my instrument.
Oh! So, you think he shot himself before or after he jumped? Before? [SCOFFS.]
No ID.
We're running his prints now.
As soon as the computer spits out J.
D.
's name here, we can get a home or work address and go from there.
Well, I can tell you where he worked right now at the Roosevelt.
Got the logo on his shirt right there.
What's the Roosevelt? You're joking, right? I'm not from here.
I transferred in six weeks ago.
- Oh, from where? - Cleveland.
[LAUGHS.]
No, seriously, where are you from? Cleveland.
Oh, God, gross.
Well, the Roosevelt is full-on, old-school Hollywood class.
Kylie Jenner puked there once.
All right.
I'll pay 'em a visit.
Oh, nah.
They won't let you in without a rezzie.
I'll roll with.
They know me.
Hey, don't take a fuckin' selfie with a dead body, please.
Whoa, fine.
That's, like, zero chill, though.
[SIGHS.]
I called the captain.
Unbelievably, your idiotic Hollywood Homicide Liaison story checked out.
Apparently, it really did come down from the mayor himself.
Hey, what can I say? The mayor's a big "V.
Mars" fan.
MAN: Oh, my God.
Slade.
Slade? Last name? Fire.
- Are you shitting me? Slade Fire? - Actor, right? We're legally not allowed to hire anyone else.
Hmm.
Was he any good? - Uhh mm.
- All right.
When was the last time you saw him? Last night, he was working the after party.
He said he was going downtown to the after-after party.
After-after party? Is that a joke? She's from Cleveland.
- Funny.
- I'm serious.
- Gross.
- [LAUGHS.]
I know, right? [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
I feel like I should take my shirt off.
Should I take my shirt off? I mean, McConaughey would, right? [AS MCCONAUGHEY.]
All right, all right, all right.
You know where downtown? I was his manager, not his Uber driver.
That's really all I know.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go prepare a bungalow for Miley Cyrus's macaw.
Dead end.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, not exactly.
Check it found him on Instagram.
He's got, like, way less followers than me, but, like, whatever, I'm not gonna point that out.
But look at his last post It's geo-tagged.
I mean, even if it wasn't, I know that club the Edison.
I can hook you up with the owner, no problem.
I don't want to talk to the owner.
I want to talk to the bartender.
Look.
Oh, good eye, total lurker photobomb.
Plus, check it.
Slade didn't tag this girl in his post.
He didn't @ her, nothing.
He just hashtagged "bae," which means whoever this girl is, he wants to keep on the low.
For him, sure, but definitely for her.
Whew.
I just totally helped, didn't I? I'm, like, legit helping solve this case.
Come on, admit it.
You need to shut up when you talk.
Let's go.
Hey, we got 10 for a quick tan sesh? No, crime first, crime first.
- Oh, shit! - What? - Oh, he's here.
- What? What's the matter? - Who? - Olsen.
Who? Straight onto Instagram under "killing it.
" Eric Christian Olsen, "NCIS: L.
A.
's" Marty Deeks? Chris O'Donnell, LL Cool J.
The rapper, yeah.
The actor.
Hansen! [LAUGHS.]
Hansen! What's up, dawg? - What's up, buddy? - Hey, dude.
They, uh they let you in here now? Oh, please, I come here all the time.
Oh, yeah? What time's your shift start? Ha ha.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't work here.
Anymore.
I'm busy with this show, my show, so Oh, yeah, you got your your pharmacy show, right? No, it's a procedural, "Celebrity Vice Squad," we're not abbreviating it.
It's gonna be on the Internet, so Whoa, like, the Internet? YouTube Red, baby.
Oh, you're doing porn now.
Wow, congratulations.
I didn't know you had the pipe for it.
No, I don't.
It isn't.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, it's YouTube Red.
It's exactly like YouTube, but it's not free.
Wow, that seems like a fantastic business model.
Listen, I think it's adorable that you've turned this whole little law-enforcement opportunity into your own low-budget "Red Shoe Diaries," but me? I'm exclusive to "NCIS: Los Angeles" and our 16 million viewers per ep.
You know what it's like.
Actually, you don't know what it's like because you've never been on a network TV show before, have you? Uhh, "Veronica Mars," dude.
[SCOFFS.]
CW is not a network, bro.
Hey, do you remember that time when it was down to just me and you for the role of Marty Deeks? No, I don't I don't remember that.
Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was just the two of us in the waiting room, and we're super nervous.
And then I went in and crushed that final audition and totally dusted you and got the role, and now I drive a Ferrari, and you don't.
Oh, you know what? I do kind of remember that.
See, I had crazy allergies that day, so I'm sorry, so you're, like, allergic to good acting? [LAUGHS.]
I'm just kidding.
I'm totally just kidding.
So, uh, I gotta go.
The, uh The mayor's got me working with the feds on this killer serial killer deal.
It's like this total "Silence of the Lambs" thing.
I almost forgot to introduce you.
This is my sidekick.
This is Special Agent Mitchell.
- McConnell.
- Nah, we'll change that.
Listen, Mitchell, - why don't you go grab us a table, right? - Yep.
Stop talking.
In the fuckin' shade! Sorry about that.
He's an asshole.
Uh, I'm CBS's Eric Christian Olsen.
You've seen me on TV.
Network television is creatively bankrupt.
Oh.
[COUGHS.]
Wow, wow, you know? She's a spitfire, huh? I like her.
I like her a lot.
I mean, the casting is a little bit on the nose, but she's got potential.
So I'll see you two crime fighters around.
Namaste.
See ya.
Oh, hey! I'm almost forgot.
Did you get that callback? Callback for "Star Wars," the Chewbacca spin-off? - Yes, totally, got that one.
- That's so weird, 'cause I didn't see your name on the list for tomorrow.
It was, like, me and Aaron Paul and Franco.
- Dave? - James.
Um, well, hey, yeah, I'll be there tomorrow, and I'll I'll see you there.
Yeah, 'cause that sounds super believable.
[LAUGHS.]
Good luck tomorrow, you know what I mean? Break a leg, because that "Star Wars" is a career changer.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but he seems worse than you.
Let's go.
RYAN: What do you mean, you haven't heard yet? The callbacks are tomorrow.
No, no, I nailed the first read.
The casting director's assistant said that it was "disturbing," and that is a verbal quote.
- Verbatim.
- What? It's a verbatim quote.
It's Latin.
"Verbal quote" is a nonsensical statement.
This is an industry call, so you don't understand the lingo.
I understand English, and you're not using it.
Okay, just have Yvette call me back, please.
Okay, hello? Hello? Fucking AT&T, the worst.
This role would be a total career changer.
I'd play, like, this super badass android bounty hunter.
And he's got, like, this flesh-colored exoskeleton.
And he's got, like, no arms or legs, right? It's just my face with a super sleek torpedo body shape.
It's so sick.
- Sounds like a space dildo.
- It's not a space dildo.
The pre-viz is sick.
I don't know why you're getting so agitated.
- It's just a part.
- No, it's not just a part.
It is "Star Wars.
" Do they have "Star Wars" in Cleveland? Of course, we have "Star Wars" in Cleveland, okay? - Beam me up, Scotty.
- No, oh, God, I can't even look at you right now.
- What are you doing? - I'm going in.
No, you're not.
You're gonna stay in the car.
You can't go in there alone.
I'm your backup.
You're not my backup.
You're my liability.
I'm not a liability.
I do CrossFit, like, three times a week.
We should totally WOD together sometime.
Oh, by the way, I've been meaning to ask you.
You paleo? 'Cause you should really think about it.
Leans you out big time.
Plus, it's, like, really natural for your body because it's totally like how we evolved.
That is not me talking.
That is science.
Look, whoever's talking can shut the fuck up and sit in the car.
Or I'll arrest you.
[CHUCKLES.]
You can't arrest me.
I'm your partner.
Hey, Space Dildo! You get this through your feather brain.
We are not partners.
Got it? Yeah, that sounds like a setup line.
And I'm not a space dildo.
I'm an android bounty hunter.
[SIGHS.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Oh, snap! [LAUGHS.]
Hah! MAN: Well, I wish I could help you, detective, but I don't remember that dude from last night.
What about the girl? Oh, yeah, she's in here all the time.
I don't know her name.
She's usually with a different guy.
Different guy? Yeah, real scary-looking, crazy beard.
I think David knows him.
Daveed? How do you spell that? D-A-V-I-D.
That's David.
Oh, there's David right there.
Oh.
Thanks.
Excuse me, David.
Detective Mathers, LAPD.
Do you mind if I talk to you for a moment? - Yeah, sure.
- Great.
Whoa! Freeze! Celebrity Vice Squad on your ass! Detective Hansen! Ooh, ooh! Oh, dude, it's a foot chase! It's a for-real foot chase! Um Ugh! Oh! Freeze, CVS! You work at a pharmacy? - Where'd you get that gun? - Ha ha, glove box, yo! Who's the space dildo now? [BLOWS.]
- Oh! - [GUNSHOT.]
Oh, my God! You shot my ear! You shot my ear! You shot my fuckin' ear off! You are an idiot! - [YELLS.]
- My bad, dawg.
You shot the suspect? It was more of a graze sitch.
I wasn't talk to you, RedTube.
I was talking to Cleveland's finest here.
It was an accidental discharge, Captain.
The suspect sustained only a superficial injury.
Can you explain to me why Ellen DeGeneres here even had a gun in the first place? How great is this? Angry captain chewing us a new one? So clutch.
I am dying.
Shut the fuck up, accidental discharge! Captain, Hansen here was helping me stop the fleeing suspect, and in the course of his assistance, my back-up service revolver discharged.
It won't happen again.
You're damn right about that, Detective.
Because if it does, you're gonna be on the first fucking flight back to Cuyahoga County! Get the hell out of my office! Now! [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Fuckin' actors.
You're gonna tell us everything we need to know, or you're gonna have a tough time in the slammer.
Seriously? The slammer? You don't like my lingo? Well, pal, you're really not gonna like the way they talk in the big house, 'cause in there, they talk with their dicks! You've really never done this before, have you? Wait, why, is it - is it not feeling authentic? - No.
See, I'm still workshopping the character, sort of a Stella Adler approach mixed with a little bit of Strasberg that I picked up from Kutcher.
I'm calling it the Hansen Method right now, but [DOOR OPENS.]
Get out of my chair, Sorbo.
- Righty-oh.
- David Caldrone.
You are going to prison for either 3 years, out in 18 months, for resisting arrest, or for 30 years without a chance for parole for being an accessory to first-degree murder.
The choice, as they say, is yours.
Pssh, forget it, partner.
Went full clam shell on me.
He's not gonna crack.
I'll tell you anything you want to know.
Great.
Let's start with who is the girl in Slade Fire's last posted picture? Pic.
The kids call 'em pics now.
It's cooler, less syllables.
It's cooler.
Fewer syllables.
God, you're a moron.
Are you guys really partners? Or, like, what You know, what is this? - No.
- Yeah.
Facebook status It's Complicated.
Your shoes are complicated.
What the f Are you insane?! These are my Jordan 1 Retros.
The girl, who is she? Veronica.
She dated Two Beard.
Two Beard? Yeah, he's got two beards.
It's like a thing.
He and his crew hang out at the Santa Monica Pier.
It's in Santa Monica.
Yeah.
Anyhow, um, Two Beard and Veronica used to come into the Edison all the time together, but I think they broke up like three weeks ago 'cause he's been rolling in solo, gettin' super drunk.
The guy seems kind of heartbroken.
And when he saw her with another guy, he couldn't handle it.
But hang on, Slade didn't tag her in his last post, so how would Two Beard know? 'Cause he was there last night.
He's in the pic.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[GIRL SCREAMS.]
This isn't just a homicide.
It's a kidnapping.
I feel like we should go out there.
Right, on that line? Like bum-bum, "Law & Order" that shit? Or, ooh, I could say I got one.
It's I'd be, like, you know ["LAW & ORDER" TONES PLAY.]
RYAN: Okay, listen.
If anything goes wrong, just let me do the talking.
I'm from San Diego.
I speak fluent bro.
Well, you're definitely fluent in moron.
Ooh, sick burn.
Up top.
I got you.
Wham.
[CHUCKLES.]
There's too many of them.
We need backup.
We should call this in.
What? Why? No, I don't even see Two Beard.
Do you? Besides, we really shouldn't do the backup thing because we need the climax to be climatic.
Buddy cops, setting aside their differences to team up and stop the bad guys in the end.
But don't freak, though, 'cause, spoiler alert, backup will arrive seconds after we stop Two Beard.
It's how it always work.
There's gonna be sirens, all that.
You won't miss it.
Fine.
I want a closer look.
- Come on.
- Me? What if they start shooting at us? - Get in front of me.
- Ha, good one, but I'm not getting out of this car without a gun.
Well, I'm not giving you a gun.
That's fine.
No gun, no backup.
No backup, no savey-de-girl, no solvey-de-case, capisce? [SIGHS.]
All right.
You want a gun? - Whoa, seriously? - You got it.
One gun, zero bullets.
[SCOFFS.]
Come on, dude.
What? You wanted a gun.
Try not to shoot yourself.
- Let's go, Chachi.
- Chachi? That's an old-ass reference, please.
Shit.
They're carrying.
We need to call for backup now.
Totes.
Hey! It's Two Beard! - It's Two Beard! He's right there! - MATHERS: Shh! He literally has two beards.
I get it now.
[WHISPERING.]
Shut the fuck up.
Jesus! Shit.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- Is that you? No, what what are you talking about? - Turn it off, dummy.
- I don't Turn it off! [RINGING CONTINUES.]
It's my agency.
They're calling me back about the "Star Wars" callback.
Do not answer your phone right now.
But I kinda have to.
Are you kidding? No, you don't.
You're right.
You're right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
- You've got the Ry-Guy.
- Oh, my God! What? They said that about me? "Taking a flyer"? Awesome! Shh! Wait, wait, I got it.
- Hang up.
- Okay, okay, wait.
Okay, thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
Callback, baby! Whoo-hoo! What the fuck? God damn it! LAPD! Drop your weapons! [GUNSHOTS.]
[RAPID GUNFIRE.]
Oh, God damn it! Oh, this is a shootout, huh? We're totally in a shootout! - Can I have some bullets? - No, stay down! [GUNSHOTS.]
[GUN CLICKING.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
Okay, seriously, though, if you had some bullets now, that would be, like, super clutch.
Oh, not the face! [GUNSHOT.]
What the Holy Let's go! [GUNSHOTS.]
[VERONICA SCREAMS.]
He's got Veronica.
Go to the car.
Call for backup.
Okay.
So awesome.
[SCREAMING.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[RADIO BEEPS.]
[MUFFLED TALKING.]
He's behind you.
Dumb move, bitch.
That's my partner, bitch! You never heard of backup? Not bad, right? I'm telling you, I'm really feeling this role.
Next time, I feel like I should totally be allowed to have bullets in my gun, though.
Oh, fucky.
You're not a real cop.
[GUNSHOT.]
Oh! Oh, God! But I am.
Oh, I'm tasting his DNA.
This is disgusting! It's in my mouth! It's in my mouth! This is AllSaints! God.
Thank you so much.
You saved my life.
You're welcome.
I'm just glad you're okay.
Hey, I'm Ryan Hansen.
This is my show, "Celebrity Vice Squad.
" That's a really stupid name for a show.
Yeah, well, you're a day player on it, so you can thank me for 12 months of SAG health insurance.
I can't believe we're going to have to Taft-Hartley someone so ungrateful.
- [SIREN WAILS.]
- Ah! The sirens.
Told ya.
Let's go.
Hmm, I love it.
Aftermath crane shot, a classic.
Foil blanket, nice touch.
So, where we headed, huh? The precinct to get chewed a new one by the captain again? A cop bar? Ooh, stakeout? Where we off to? Let's go.
I thought I'd take you home.
Oh, hey, I'm super flattered, but I can't go home with you.
I'm happily married with three girls.
Plus, you know, if we knock boots now, it really messes with the whole will they won't they season-long tension thing.
But I don't know, maybe season three we do something? You know, if the wifey's cool with it.
I really can't promise anything.
No! Your home, idiot! I'm dropping you off.
Oh! That makes way more sense.
Okay.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
GIRLS: Daddy! Hey! Hi, guys, come here.
Um, babe? What's What's going on? You told us to come here.
Um, like, what is this? Who are all these people? Oh, this is the show I was telling you about.
This is our live studio audience.
[CHEERING.]
And this is our new home.
- But we live in the Valley.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, but for, like, purposes of the show, this is where we're gonna do all of our "home" scenes.
The producers couldn't agree if this was a single or multi-cam show, so you know, creative compromise.
Plus, they're, like, really big fans of "Friends.
" - [LAUGHTER.]
- I'm so confused.
Um, I thought this was a procedural.
YouTube Red's still playing with it.
It's a porn show? - [LAUGHTER.]
- No, babe, that's Red You know what? It doesn't matter.
This is gonna be good, fresh.
What's so fresh about a multi-cam sitcom, babe? Oh, come on.
It's not that sitcom-y.
Well, it's official! I've got bats in my attic.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS.]
Ducky's our neighbor? Oh, my God.
I loved "Pretty in Pink.
" I am such a huge fan.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Of course, you are.
Honey, Jon's a friend.
He's just doing me a solid for the pilot.
Amazing job, man.
Great entrance.
Oh, really? 'Cause, you know, I could do it again.
- I could give you a range.
- No, no, I feel like you nailed it.
Thanks for the cameo, bud.
You're awesome.
Oh, hey, keep buttering me up like that, I could be a recurring guest star.
Wait, you think we'll get picked up? No.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, dipshit, you left your teeth-whitening contraption in my car.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- What the fuck?! - [LAUGHTER.]
It's just our live studio audience.
Man, you guys really need to figure out your format.
[LAUGHTER.]
Excuse me? Who are you? Honey, I'm so sorry.
Come here.
This is Detective Jessica Mathers.
- She's my partner.
- We're not partners.
Your husband's just a moron.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh.
We're thinking of recasting.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I'll never give up the hunt for you, Solo! And you will never rest easy again! Because once I get inside someone, they feel it forever! I'm going deep, deep inside of you! Pretty good, right? MAN: Okay.
Thanks.
Thanks, Ryan.
Thank you.
Like my costume? - I made it myself.
- We know.
I'd shake your hand, but I can't.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, thanks, you guys.
- Hey, do you guys validate? - Nope.
All right, thank you so much.
Hey, hey! If you liked our pilot, congrats.
You got sick taste.
And there's another free episode.
All you have to do is click the box below me.
And it's really free, like, free-free.
Not like a free app where every time you want a new Kimoji, they charge you for it, or free hotel Wi-Fi, which sucks! Or free speech.
This is , so, enjoy!
Hi! Now, before you turn this off or change the channel or click on something else, just gimme a second, okay? This is just our pilot, so we're still figuring some stuff out tone, character, format but I think it's gonna be good.
Long term, I am optimistic.
Pretty decent start, right? Direct address.
Breaking the fourth wall.
That Deadpool shit, baby! Pretty millennial how I'm doing it on my phone, too.
But don't worry.
It's not gonna be all "Cloverfield" the whole time.
By the way, I'm Ryan Han Oh! Oh! [POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING.]
Bad day for a dirt nap.
Get the fuck away from the body, asshole.
Can I help you? I'm Ryan Hansen.
That literally means nothing to me.
[CHUCKLES.]
Good one.
I'm your new partner.
Are you fuckin' serious? What's what's going on? Oh, no, no, no.
No, don't look at the camera.
It just breaks the vibe of the show.
Just stay with me, stay in the moment.
Seriously, haircut? This is about to end badly for you.
No, no, no, I'm legit.
Look, the mayor deputized me and everything.
Check it out.
- Did you make that yourself? - Cool, right? What is that, a glamour shot? No, it's my headshot.
What, you don't like it? See, I was gonna go with this other one that was a little more moody, but I figure this one had a little more dangerous smolder to it.
Full deets going for a Dave Navarro with a gun vibe, but I'll be a lot taller.
And, you know, also, I don't have a gun.
Thank God for that.
Now move.
Production said I was dangerously unqualified.
It's some insurance thing or something.
Anyway, my agents are on the issue.
Probably be slingin' heat by Ep.
2, so zero stress.
Is that a prop gun? How about I shoot you, and you tell me? [LAUGHS.]
You're a total loose cannon.
I love it! Okay, dipshit, either you tell me why you're contaminating my crime scene, or I'm gonna arrest you and toss your ass in County.
Okay.
Here's the deal-io.
The big cheese downtown, El Mayoro, wanted to get a handle on the recent uptick in crime in the Hollywood area.
So, he deputized a dozen or so high-profile celebrities, like me, Scotty Caan, Eric Christian Olsen, but I don't think Eric's right for the role, do you? Are you a fan? Anyway, doesn't matter.
Me and the other A-listers are supposed to be like Hollywood liaisons for the LAPD.
Help 'em solve crimes by using our industry connections, sense-memory techniques, our gift of channeling characters.
We're like psychics, but realer, and, like, way better looking.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- Seriously? That's the premise of this show? Yeah, we're calling it "Celebrity Vice Squad.
" - CVS? - Dope, right? Yeah, I get all my tampons there.
Wait, so you're telling me this is actually gonna be on TV? Well, it's more of an Internet webisode thing at the moment.
It's gonna be on YouTube Red.
Wait, the porn site? [LAUGHS.]
No, no, no, you're thinking of RedTube or YouPorn.
Weird, right? 'Cause those are both, like, super popular online pornography sites.
Seems like somebody should have checked on that.
Well, you know what? Enough jaw jackin'.
We got some work to do.
So, what's this dead body's story? Someone killed him.
Maybe, or maybe that's just what this body wants us to think.
You ever read "Blink," Malcolm Gladwell? Genius.
I'm gonna thin slice this.
[INHALES SHARPLY.]
Nobody killed him.
He jumped.
Really, you sure? Mm-hmm.
I trust my instrument.
Oh! So, you think he shot himself before or after he jumped? Before? [SCOFFS.]
No ID.
We're running his prints now.
As soon as the computer spits out J.
D.
's name here, we can get a home or work address and go from there.
Well, I can tell you where he worked right now at the Roosevelt.
Got the logo on his shirt right there.
What's the Roosevelt? You're joking, right? I'm not from here.
I transferred in six weeks ago.
- Oh, from where? - Cleveland.
[LAUGHS.]
No, seriously, where are you from? Cleveland.
Oh, God, gross.
Well, the Roosevelt is full-on, old-school Hollywood class.
Kylie Jenner puked there once.
All right.
I'll pay 'em a visit.
Oh, nah.
They won't let you in without a rezzie.
I'll roll with.
They know me.
Hey, don't take a fuckin' selfie with a dead body, please.
Whoa, fine.
That's, like, zero chill, though.
[SIGHS.]
I called the captain.
Unbelievably, your idiotic Hollywood Homicide Liaison story checked out.
Apparently, it really did come down from the mayor himself.
Hey, what can I say? The mayor's a big "V.
Mars" fan.
MAN: Oh, my God.
Slade.
Slade? Last name? Fire.
- Are you shitting me? Slade Fire? - Actor, right? We're legally not allowed to hire anyone else.
Hmm.
Was he any good? - Uhh mm.
- All right.
When was the last time you saw him? Last night, he was working the after party.
He said he was going downtown to the after-after party.
After-after party? Is that a joke? She's from Cleveland.
- Funny.
- I'm serious.
- Gross.
- [LAUGHS.]
I know, right? [BOTH CHUCKLING.]
I feel like I should take my shirt off.
Should I take my shirt off? I mean, McConaughey would, right? [AS MCCONAUGHEY.]
All right, all right, all right.
You know where downtown? I was his manager, not his Uber driver.
That's really all I know.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go prepare a bungalow for Miley Cyrus's macaw.
Dead end.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
Oh, not exactly.
Check it found him on Instagram.
He's got, like, way less followers than me, but, like, whatever, I'm not gonna point that out.
But look at his last post It's geo-tagged.
I mean, even if it wasn't, I know that club the Edison.
I can hook you up with the owner, no problem.
I don't want to talk to the owner.
I want to talk to the bartender.
Look.
Oh, good eye, total lurker photobomb.
Plus, check it.
Slade didn't tag this girl in his post.
He didn't @ her, nothing.
He just hashtagged "bae," which means whoever this girl is, he wants to keep on the low.
For him, sure, but definitely for her.
Whew.
I just totally helped, didn't I? I'm, like, legit helping solve this case.
Come on, admit it.
You need to shut up when you talk.
Let's go.
Hey, we got 10 for a quick tan sesh? No, crime first, crime first.
- Oh, shit! - What? - Oh, he's here.
- What? What's the matter? - Who? - Olsen.
Who? Straight onto Instagram under "killing it.
" Eric Christian Olsen, "NCIS: L.
A.
's" Marty Deeks? Chris O'Donnell, LL Cool J.
The rapper, yeah.
The actor.
Hansen! [LAUGHS.]
Hansen! What's up, dawg? - What's up, buddy? - Hey, dude.
They, uh they let you in here now? Oh, please, I come here all the time.
Oh, yeah? What time's your shift start? Ha ha.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't work here.
Anymore.
I'm busy with this show, my show, so Oh, yeah, you got your your pharmacy show, right? No, it's a procedural, "Celebrity Vice Squad," we're not abbreviating it.
It's gonna be on the Internet, so Whoa, like, the Internet? YouTube Red, baby.
Oh, you're doing porn now.
Wow, congratulations.
I didn't know you had the pipe for it.
No, I don't.
It isn't.
[SIGHS.]
Okay, it's YouTube Red.
It's exactly like YouTube, but it's not free.
Wow, that seems like a fantastic business model.
Listen, I think it's adorable that you've turned this whole little law-enforcement opportunity into your own low-budget "Red Shoe Diaries," but me? I'm exclusive to "NCIS: Los Angeles" and our 16 million viewers per ep.
You know what it's like.
Actually, you don't know what it's like because you've never been on a network TV show before, have you? Uhh, "Veronica Mars," dude.
[SCOFFS.]
CW is not a network, bro.
Hey, do you remember that time when it was down to just me and you for the role of Marty Deeks? No, I don't I don't remember that.
Oh, I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was just the two of us in the waiting room, and we're super nervous.
And then I went in and crushed that final audition and totally dusted you and got the role, and now I drive a Ferrari, and you don't.
Oh, you know what? I do kind of remember that.
See, I had crazy allergies that day, so I'm sorry, so you're, like, allergic to good acting? [LAUGHS.]
I'm just kidding.
I'm totally just kidding.
So, uh, I gotta go.
The, uh The mayor's got me working with the feds on this killer serial killer deal.
It's like this total "Silence of the Lambs" thing.
I almost forgot to introduce you.
This is my sidekick.
This is Special Agent Mitchell.
- McConnell.
- Nah, we'll change that.
Listen, Mitchell, - why don't you go grab us a table, right? - Yep.
Stop talking.
In the fuckin' shade! Sorry about that.
He's an asshole.
Uh, I'm CBS's Eric Christian Olsen.
You've seen me on TV.
Network television is creatively bankrupt.
Oh.
[COUGHS.]
Wow, wow, you know? She's a spitfire, huh? I like her.
I like her a lot.
I mean, the casting is a little bit on the nose, but she's got potential.
So I'll see you two crime fighters around.
Namaste.
See ya.
Oh, hey! I'm almost forgot.
Did you get that callback? Callback for "Star Wars," the Chewbacca spin-off? - Yes, totally, got that one.
- That's so weird, 'cause I didn't see your name on the list for tomorrow.
It was, like, me and Aaron Paul and Franco.
- Dave? - James.
Um, well, hey, yeah, I'll be there tomorrow, and I'll I'll see you there.
Yeah, 'cause that sounds super believable.
[LAUGHS.]
Good luck tomorrow, you know what I mean? Break a leg, because that "Star Wars" is a career changer.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but he seems worse than you.
Let's go.
RYAN: What do you mean, you haven't heard yet? The callbacks are tomorrow.
No, no, I nailed the first read.
The casting director's assistant said that it was "disturbing," and that is a verbal quote.
- Verbatim.
- What? It's a verbatim quote.
It's Latin.
"Verbal quote" is a nonsensical statement.
This is an industry call, so you don't understand the lingo.
I understand English, and you're not using it.
Okay, just have Yvette call me back, please.
Okay, hello? Hello? Fucking AT&T, the worst.
This role would be a total career changer.
I'd play, like, this super badass android bounty hunter.
And he's got, like, this flesh-colored exoskeleton.
And he's got, like, no arms or legs, right? It's just my face with a super sleek torpedo body shape.
It's so sick.
- Sounds like a space dildo.
- It's not a space dildo.
The pre-viz is sick.
I don't know why you're getting so agitated.
- It's just a part.
- No, it's not just a part.
It is "Star Wars.
" Do they have "Star Wars" in Cleveland? Of course, we have "Star Wars" in Cleveland, okay? - Beam me up, Scotty.
- No, oh, God, I can't even look at you right now.
- What are you doing? - I'm going in.
No, you're not.
You're gonna stay in the car.
You can't go in there alone.
I'm your backup.
You're not my backup.
You're my liability.
I'm not a liability.
I do CrossFit, like, three times a week.
We should totally WOD together sometime.
Oh, by the way, I've been meaning to ask you.
You paleo? 'Cause you should really think about it.
Leans you out big time.
Plus, it's, like, really natural for your body because it's totally like how we evolved.
That is not me talking.
That is science.
Look, whoever's talking can shut the fuck up and sit in the car.
Or I'll arrest you.
[CHUCKLES.]
You can't arrest me.
I'm your partner.
Hey, Space Dildo! You get this through your feather brain.
We are not partners.
Got it? Yeah, that sounds like a setup line.
And I'm not a space dildo.
I'm an android bounty hunter.
[SIGHS.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER.]
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER CONTINUES.]
Oh, snap! [LAUGHS.]
Hah! MAN: Well, I wish I could help you, detective, but I don't remember that dude from last night.
What about the girl? Oh, yeah, she's in here all the time.
I don't know her name.
She's usually with a different guy.
Different guy? Yeah, real scary-looking, crazy beard.
I think David knows him.
Daveed? How do you spell that? D-A-V-I-D.
That's David.
Oh, there's David right there.
Oh.
Thanks.
Excuse me, David.
Detective Mathers, LAPD.
Do you mind if I talk to you for a moment? - Yeah, sure.
- Great.
Whoa! Freeze! Celebrity Vice Squad on your ass! Detective Hansen! Ooh, ooh! Oh, dude, it's a foot chase! It's a for-real foot chase! Um Ugh! Oh! Freeze, CVS! You work at a pharmacy? - Where'd you get that gun? - Ha ha, glove box, yo! Who's the space dildo now? [BLOWS.]
- Oh! - [GUNSHOT.]
Oh, my God! You shot my ear! You shot my ear! You shot my fuckin' ear off! You are an idiot! - [YELLS.]
- My bad, dawg.
You shot the suspect? It was more of a graze sitch.
I wasn't talk to you, RedTube.
I was talking to Cleveland's finest here.
It was an accidental discharge, Captain.
The suspect sustained only a superficial injury.
Can you explain to me why Ellen DeGeneres here even had a gun in the first place? How great is this? Angry captain chewing us a new one? So clutch.
I am dying.
Shut the fuck up, accidental discharge! Captain, Hansen here was helping me stop the fleeing suspect, and in the course of his assistance, my back-up service revolver discharged.
It won't happen again.
You're damn right about that, Detective.
Because if it does, you're gonna be on the first fucking flight back to Cuyahoga County! Get the hell out of my office! Now! [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES.]
Fuckin' actors.
You're gonna tell us everything we need to know, or you're gonna have a tough time in the slammer.
Seriously? The slammer? You don't like my lingo? Well, pal, you're really not gonna like the way they talk in the big house, 'cause in there, they talk with their dicks! You've really never done this before, have you? Wait, why, is it - is it not feeling authentic? - No.
See, I'm still workshopping the character, sort of a Stella Adler approach mixed with a little bit of Strasberg that I picked up from Kutcher.
I'm calling it the Hansen Method right now, but [DOOR OPENS.]
Get out of my chair, Sorbo.
- Righty-oh.
- David Caldrone.
You are going to prison for either 3 years, out in 18 months, for resisting arrest, or for 30 years without a chance for parole for being an accessory to first-degree murder.
The choice, as they say, is yours.
Pssh, forget it, partner.
Went full clam shell on me.
He's not gonna crack.
I'll tell you anything you want to know.
Great.
Let's start with who is the girl in Slade Fire's last posted picture? Pic.
The kids call 'em pics now.
It's cooler, less syllables.
It's cooler.
Fewer syllables.
God, you're a moron.
Are you guys really partners? Or, like, what You know, what is this? - No.
- Yeah.
Facebook status It's Complicated.
Your shoes are complicated.
What the f Are you insane?! These are my Jordan 1 Retros.
The girl, who is she? Veronica.
She dated Two Beard.
Two Beard? Yeah, he's got two beards.
It's like a thing.
He and his crew hang out at the Santa Monica Pier.
It's in Santa Monica.
Yeah.
Anyhow, um, Two Beard and Veronica used to come into the Edison all the time together, but I think they broke up like three weeks ago 'cause he's been rolling in solo, gettin' super drunk.
The guy seems kind of heartbroken.
And when he saw her with another guy, he couldn't handle it.
But hang on, Slade didn't tag her in his last post, so how would Two Beard know? 'Cause he was there last night.
He's in the pic.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[GIRL SCREAMS.]
This isn't just a homicide.
It's a kidnapping.
I feel like we should go out there.
Right, on that line? Like bum-bum, "Law & Order" that shit? Or, ooh, I could say I got one.
It's I'd be, like, you know ["LAW & ORDER" TONES PLAY.]
RYAN: Okay, listen.
If anything goes wrong, just let me do the talking.
I'm from San Diego.
I speak fluent bro.
Well, you're definitely fluent in moron.
Ooh, sick burn.
Up top.
I got you.
Wham.
[CHUCKLES.]
There's too many of them.
We need backup.
We should call this in.
What? Why? No, I don't even see Two Beard.
Do you? Besides, we really shouldn't do the backup thing because we need the climax to be climatic.
Buddy cops, setting aside their differences to team up and stop the bad guys in the end.
But don't freak, though, 'cause, spoiler alert, backup will arrive seconds after we stop Two Beard.
It's how it always work.
There's gonna be sirens, all that.
You won't miss it.
Fine.
I want a closer look.
- Come on.
- Me? What if they start shooting at us? - Get in front of me.
- Ha, good one, but I'm not getting out of this car without a gun.
Well, I'm not giving you a gun.
That's fine.
No gun, no backup.
No backup, no savey-de-girl, no solvey-de-case, capisce? [SIGHS.]
All right.
You want a gun? - Whoa, seriously? - You got it.
One gun, zero bullets.
[SCOFFS.]
Come on, dude.
What? You wanted a gun.
Try not to shoot yourself.
- Let's go, Chachi.
- Chachi? That's an old-ass reference, please.
Shit.
They're carrying.
We need to call for backup now.
Totes.
Hey! It's Two Beard! - It's Two Beard! He's right there! - MATHERS: Shh! He literally has two beards.
I get it now.
[WHISPERING.]
Shut the fuck up.
Jesus! Shit.
- [CELLPHONE RINGS.]
- Is that you? No, what what are you talking about? - Turn it off, dummy.
- I don't Turn it off! [RINGING CONTINUES.]
It's my agency.
They're calling me back about the "Star Wars" callback.
Do not answer your phone right now.
But I kinda have to.
Are you kidding? No, you don't.
You're right.
You're right.
I don't know what I was thinking.
[RINGING CONTINUES.]
- You've got the Ry-Guy.
- Oh, my God! What? They said that about me? "Taking a flyer"? Awesome! Shh! Wait, wait, I got it.
- Hang up.
- Okay, okay, wait.
Okay, thank you.
[LAUGHS.]
Callback, baby! Whoo-hoo! What the fuck? God damn it! LAPD! Drop your weapons! [GUNSHOTS.]
[RAPID GUNFIRE.]
Oh, God damn it! Oh, this is a shootout, huh? We're totally in a shootout! - Can I have some bullets? - No, stay down! [GUNSHOTS.]
[GUN CLICKING.]
[GUNSHOTS.]
Okay, seriously, though, if you had some bullets now, that would be, like, super clutch.
Oh, not the face! [GUNSHOT.]
What the Holy Let's go! [GUNSHOTS.]
[VERONICA SCREAMS.]
He's got Veronica.
Go to the car.
Call for backup.
Okay.
So awesome.
[SCREAMING.]
[GUNSHOT.]
[RADIO BEEPS.]
[MUFFLED TALKING.]
He's behind you.
Dumb move, bitch.
That's my partner, bitch! You never heard of backup? Not bad, right? I'm telling you, I'm really feeling this role.
Next time, I feel like I should totally be allowed to have bullets in my gun, though.
Oh, fucky.
You're not a real cop.
[GUNSHOT.]
Oh! Oh, God! But I am.
Oh, I'm tasting his DNA.
This is disgusting! It's in my mouth! It's in my mouth! This is AllSaints! God.
Thank you so much.
You saved my life.
You're welcome.
I'm just glad you're okay.
Hey, I'm Ryan Hansen.
This is my show, "Celebrity Vice Squad.
" That's a really stupid name for a show.
Yeah, well, you're a day player on it, so you can thank me for 12 months of SAG health insurance.
I can't believe we're going to have to Taft-Hartley someone so ungrateful.
- [SIREN WAILS.]
- Ah! The sirens.
Told ya.
Let's go.
Hmm, I love it.
Aftermath crane shot, a classic.
Foil blanket, nice touch.
So, where we headed, huh? The precinct to get chewed a new one by the captain again? A cop bar? Ooh, stakeout? Where we off to? Let's go.
I thought I'd take you home.
Oh, hey, I'm super flattered, but I can't go home with you.
I'm happily married with three girls.
Plus, you know, if we knock boots now, it really messes with the whole will they won't they season-long tension thing.
But I don't know, maybe season three we do something? You know, if the wifey's cool with it.
I really can't promise anything.
No! Your home, idiot! I'm dropping you off.
Oh! That makes way more sense.
Okay.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING.]
GIRLS: Daddy! Hey! Hi, guys, come here.
Um, babe? What's What's going on? You told us to come here.
Um, like, what is this? Who are all these people? Oh, this is the show I was telling you about.
This is our live studio audience.
[CHEERING.]
And this is our new home.
- But we live in the Valley.
- [LAUGHTER.]
Yeah, but for, like, purposes of the show, this is where we're gonna do all of our "home" scenes.
The producers couldn't agree if this was a single or multi-cam show, so you know, creative compromise.
Plus, they're, like, really big fans of "Friends.
" - [LAUGHTER.]
- I'm so confused.
Um, I thought this was a procedural.
YouTube Red's still playing with it.
It's a porn show? - [LAUGHTER.]
- No, babe, that's Red You know what? It doesn't matter.
This is gonna be good, fresh.
What's so fresh about a multi-cam sitcom, babe? Oh, come on.
It's not that sitcom-y.
Well, it's official! I've got bats in my attic.
[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS.]
Ducky's our neighbor? Oh, my God.
I loved "Pretty in Pink.
" I am such a huge fan.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Of course, you are.
Honey, Jon's a friend.
He's just doing me a solid for the pilot.
Amazing job, man.
Great entrance.
Oh, really? 'Cause, you know, I could do it again.
- I could give you a range.
- No, no, I feel like you nailed it.
Thanks for the cameo, bud.
You're awesome.
Oh, hey, keep buttering me up like that, I could be a recurring guest star.
Wait, you think we'll get picked up? No.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Hey, dipshit, you left your teeth-whitening contraption in my car.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- What the fuck?! - [LAUGHTER.]
It's just our live studio audience.
Man, you guys really need to figure out your format.
[LAUGHTER.]
Excuse me? Who are you? Honey, I'm so sorry.
Come here.
This is Detective Jessica Mathers.
- She's my partner.
- We're not partners.
Your husband's just a moron.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- Oh.
We're thinking of recasting.
[LAUGHTER.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I'll never give up the hunt for you, Solo! And you will never rest easy again! Because once I get inside someone, they feel it forever! I'm going deep, deep inside of you! Pretty good, right? MAN: Okay.
Thanks.
Thanks, Ryan.
Thank you.
Like my costume? - I made it myself.
- We know.
I'd shake your hand, but I can't.
[CHUCKLES.]
All right, thanks, you guys.
- Hey, do you guys validate? - Nope.
All right, thank you so much.
Hey, hey! If you liked our pilot, congrats.
You got sick taste.
And there's another free episode.
All you have to do is click the box below me.
And it's really free, like, free-free.
Not like a free app where every time you want a new Kimoji, they charge you for it, or free hotel Wi-Fi, which sucks! Or free speech.
This is , so, enjoy!