Sam and Cat (2013) s01e01 Episode Script

- This is it! - I notice your mouth fell open.
- I was airing out my tongue.
The moment you've been waiting for.
- Yeah! - Woo! The world premiere Shut the fridge! Of the brand new series Let the fun begin! Sam and Cat! Starts right now.
Hey! Aren't you Sam from "iCarly"? - You a cop? - Nope.
Yeah, I'm Sam.
- What are you doing here in L.
A.
? - Looking for fun.
Uh, how are your breakfast burritos? - Disgusting.
- I'll take a jumbo.
- Pawsley?! - Here Pawsley! - Pawsley! Where are you?! - Pawsley! Pawsley! Where are you?! I'm stopping my vehicle.
- Hi.
What's wrong? - We can't find our cat.
Shut up, My name is Cat! Could ya help us find our cat? Ooh! I heard a meow! - Ooh! Kitty, wait! - Pawsley! Hold on kitty, I'm coming! - Pawsley! - Ooh! - Ugh! - Pawsley! Here, Pawsley! - Pawsley? - Ooh! Ooh! The hinge! Oh, I see the kitten! Gimme a boost.
Come on! Ooh! Ah.
Ooh! Here ya go! - Awesome! - Thanks! Bye.
Ooh! Oh! Dang it, my gum fell outta my mouth! Hey gum, where'd ya go? What's that red-headed chick doing in a trash can? And why is there a battery in my burrito? Where'd ya go, gum? Hey! Hey, don't pick up that trash can! There's a girl in there! Oh my God! Oh! Uh Ah, man.
I'll miss you.
Hey! Hey wait, Mister! Wait! Hold up! Dude, stop the truck! It ate a girl.
Ah! Hey! Hello?! - Hi! - Whoa! Ha ha ha! Oh my gosh! That was so much fun! Not so fun for this guy.
Whoa, you're Sam from "iCarly"! Yeah, now let's get ooh! What was that noise? I think it's the sound of two girls about to be squashed inside a garbage truck.
A-ha ha.
Oh, you don't mean us right? - Whoa! - Oh! We gotta get outta here! I can't, I'm gonna faint! - You're not gonna faint! - Are you sure?! Because whenever I get really scared I Ugh.
All right, I'll save your life.
But you're buying me a new burrito.
I'm never that far.
No matter where you are.
Believe it, we can make it come true.
We'll do it our way, no matter what they say.
Because no one's gonna do it for you.
Ooh, ooh, yeah! But I, I, I, I I'll never say, never.
As long as we keep it together.
Oh! If you're living a dream, and you know what it means.
Then you can't let them change your mind.
It's the life that we choose, and we still break the rules.
But it's all gonna be just fine.
Just fine.
Yeah, we're all gonna be just fine.
You and me we're gonna be just fine.
Oh.
Ah! Oh.
You okay? Um, yeah, I think.
Oh.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
Oh, where are we? Uh, I dunno, some hotel.
Ooh, what's that smell? That's you.
And me.
From swimming in garbage.
I gotta go find somewhere to hose myself off.
Ooh! Well, come take a bath at my Nona's! - What's a Nona? - My Grandma! I live with her.
- Oh, thanks, but you don't have to - Oh, please? You saved me from being squished in garbage.
Let me repay you with the gift of bathing! 'Kay.
How far is it? Because I'm all gross and I don't wanna Jank up my motorcycle.
- It's pretty far.
- Hmm.
Follow me, and do what I do.
'Kay kay.
Hey! Hey buddy, where ya been?! Uh, I believe you have the wrong limo.
I'm here to get Doctor Williams and take him to the airport so that he can fly back to England.
Well, uh, we're Doctor Williams-es daughters-es.
My name's Ophelia.
Heh?! You're supposed to take us to meet our daddy! But nobody told me anything about taking two girls Ah! Oh.
Oh, no.
- Please don't strike us! - We're just girls! - Can you see this man? - I wasn't going to - Please, help us.
- No, no.
Stop it.
All right.
All right.
All right.
Just get in the car.
- Yay! - Weeeeee! - Yay! Yay! Yay! - Yay, yippee, very good, okay.
- Yay.
Woo.
Woo.
- Everything's fine.
Hello.
Uh, you got another robe I can wear? You know, one that doesn't make me look like a vomiting rainbow? No.
But don't worry, your clothes are in the dryer.
And when'll they be ready? When my Nona comes home and shows me how to start the dryer.
Come in, Dice.
What's up, Valentine? - Who's the kid? - That's Dice, he lives in this building.
Yup, and guess what I got today.
Ooh is it something? Yeah.
Hair.
In bags.
You girls wanna buy some? I would.
But just yesterday I ordered a huge bag of hair online.
No no no no no.
This Is celebrity hair.
See, I got hair from Will Smith, Katy Perry, I got Ryan Seacrest, Justin Bieber How much for the Bieber?! - Thirty.
- I'll take it! Oh.
Ya know you look like Sam, from that web show "iCarly".
Nah, that chick's way hotter than me.
She is Sam.
Whoa! You're awesome! Yeah.
- Will you gimme some of your hair?! - I'll sell you some of my hair.
I'll come back later with bags and scissors! Run fast with those scissors! Hey! Quit sniffing the Biebs.
I can't help it.
He smells so talented.
Nona! Nice sack.
Get me out of this thing! - Nona, be careful.
- Sam, grab her, please.
- I got her.
- Ah! Oh, oh.
Put me down.
- Nona, hey.
- Oh.
Oh.
Okay.
- Are you all right? - There you go.
- Woo.
- What happened to you? Those little demons happened to me! Nona babysits for a lot of the little kids in the building.
Not anymore.
I'm tired of those rotten kids putting me in sacks! Peeing everywhere! It's time for me to move to Elderly Acres.
No! Nona, you're not moving to Elderly Acres! - But it's a wonderful place! - Well, then I'll move there with you! It's only for elderlies.
But I can't live here alone! What if I fall in the toilet and get stuck again?! Oh.
I'll just be five blocks away.
- Five blocks? Nona, that's too - Hey hey, hey hey! Huh? If she gets stuck in a toilet again, will you please text me a pic of that? - Why is she here? - She's visiting.
Is it okay if she stays here with us tonight? Uh, sure.
I assume you don't have a prison record.
Yeah, you assume that.
Hmm? I don't understand whoa.
What are you doing? Wait.
What's happening? How is this possible? Whoa! Help! Ah! Oh! Ah! Hey! You nutty old lady! Oh! Let me out! Help! Hello? What's going Ghost couch! Ow! Cat! Cat! - Hello? - It's me, Sam! Let me outta this couch! - Hurry.
- Oi.
Oh.
That's not how you sleep in a sofa bed.
Your nutty Nona folded me up in this thing! Oh, yeah, sometimes she sleep-walks.
She does stuff and she doesn't even know it.
Uh, what are you doing? I'm gonna sleep here next to you, so you don't get scared.
I don't get sca oh, whatever.
So, how long are you gonna be here in L.
A.
? I dunno.
Well, don't you wanna get back to Seattle? Ah, no rush.
I mean, my best friend moved to Italy with her dad.
And my Mom's kind of a nut-job.
So you're just gonna cruise around America, like a hippie? Yeah.
I'm going wherever my motorcycle takes me.
I thought the person controls the motorcycle.
Man! How much Bieber did you sniff? - Oh.
- Nona! No, no, no, no.
- No.
- No, don't fold us up, please.
No.
No, please.
Wake up.
Wake up, please.
- How does this happen? - Nona! - Hi.
- Hey, how was school? Learn-y.
Whatcha doing? I read online that if you mix coffee, orange juice, and a raw egg, it blows up.
Cool, I love explosions! Then get ready for Oh! Ugh! You got any dynamite? No, sorry.
Nona, I'm home! I brought your special cream.
Uh, your Nona's not here.
Oh.
Did she go to the gun range? No.
I took her to Elderly Acres.
- To visit somebody? - No.
She um, lives there now.
You put my Nona in a home for elderlies?! Uh, it's sort of Aren't you glad your Nona's not here to see that? - How could you take her to that place? - She asked me to! Oh, my gosh, I'm gonna faint! Or puke! I'm gonna fuke! Come on, elderlies love living with other elderlies.
They have dinner together at four o'clock, and eat soft foods, and talk about pills.
- Whoa, where we going?! - To Elderly Acres! - Oh! - Ah! You gotta open that first.
Sometimes I forget! - Hi, Cat - Hey, Cat Hi, Max.
Hi, Chloe.
Cute boots.
I can't talk right now! - That's cool, just let us in.
- Your Nona's babysitting us.
No, my Nona's not here, because somebody did something very terrible to her.
Somebody.
Hey, will you take Darby? He's heavy.
No, you guys, I don't have time to! I gotta go.
Whoa, I don't want this beast.
Oh, yeah, pretty flowers.
Go tell your Mom to find another babysitter.
Our Mom left for work.
Well, then just, um, just come with us.
Okay? - What's going on? - Where are we going? - You left the baby in the bush! - I'm getting the baby.
Hurry, let's go! Nona?! Nona! Nona! Where's my Nona?! Nona! We wanna do something fun! - Yeah.
- All right.
Um, here, hop on this thing.
- Cool.
- Awesome.
And keep an eye on that thing.
Wait! Nona! Oh, dang it.
- Oh! - Ah! Are you okay? Okay, I'm sorry everyone, but the tattoo man had to leave, and he won't be back today.
- Oh.
- Ah.
I'm sorry.
You guys were gonna get tattoos today? We were.
Now, we're just disappointed.
Roll up your sleeve.
- Come on, I'm taking you home.
- No! I love this place! Look at that guy! He's single and he's hot! - You really like it here? - Yes! Tonight we're all gonna get in the swimming pool and watch a funny movie! - That's perfect for you! - I know! Because sometimes when you laugh you pee a little, and you'll already be in a pool! Shh! Welcome to Inside-Out Burger.
What would you like today? We want two double-double mega meals, and You got any baby food? No.
Then what do we get Darby? He can suck on the fries.
Even though you'll be living here, you promise you'll come over and visit me a lot? All the time.
Wait! Who's gonna make me soup?! - You can learn.
- I can?! Sure.
You just open the can, pour it in the bowl, and put it in the microwave.
Wait, slow down! Hey, will you tell this dude to quit complaining? I told you I wanted a tattoo of Abraham Lincoln! Well, too bad, you got a chicken leg! Ah! That'll be six-fifty.
Oh.
We don't have any money.
- What?! - Go! Hang on! Code four! Someone get the manager! Hey! You kids! Come back here! Stop that scooter! Hey! Oh! I mean It might be kinda fun having a whole apartment to myself.
Sure.
I've lived alone for years.
I thought you lived with your Mom.
Well, that's like living alone.
Hey! Hey, Sam! I'm ready for your hair! Oh, yeah.
Why don't we head inside - Oh.
- The kids! - What kids? - The ones we were babysitting! We left them at Elderly Acres! Oh, I saw those kids ten minutes ago.
- Where? - Inside-Out Burger.
Oh, man.
I love their fries, that's Come on! Pull over.
Hey! Come on! I'm serious! Max! Chloe! What goes on? Those kids they owe Six dah dollars and I'm down.
Oh.
Okay kids, we caught a lucky break, let's head on home.
- Yay! - No! We have to stay and fix this sweaty man! We have to give him see-three-pee-oh! - CPR? - Okay, we'll try that first! You pump his legs, and I'll bounce on his chest! Whoa why don't you pump his legs and I'll bounce on his chest? - We'll trade off! - Yeah, let's do it! Okay.
- Ready? - Go, go, go.
Go.
Ah! Ah! Ah! - Switch! - Let's switch.
Quick hurry up! Ah! Ah! Are they doing it right?! He's up! He's up! He's up! Pick him up! Pick him up! You girls saved my life.
Please, don't worry about thanking us.
Uh! Maybe this nice man wants to thank us with free food.
Yes! As manager of this Inside-Out Burger, I declare that - Sam Puckett.
- Sam Puckett! And - Cat Valentine.
- Cat Valentine! Shall be given free cheeseburgers for as long as they both shall live! What?! Thank you.
There.
Three bags of hair.
I hope you sell 'em for big bucks.
Oh I will.
You're a legit celebrity.
I could sell anything you got.
Can I have that? Oh, I'll get the door.
Come along, baby.
Yeah.
- Oh.
Hi Melinda.
- Hey Cat.
Mom! Did you guys have a fun day with Nona? - Nope.
- Sam and Cat took care of us.
They're the best babysitters ever! We drove an elderly scooter on the street! And they saved a sweaty guy from dying! It's a new video game.
Called "Rescue the Chubby".
Which is a nice word for "fat".
Ah.
Well, lemme just pay you guys for the babysitting.
Uh, there! - How much is this? - A hundred and fifty bucks.
What? You guys wanna babysit for them again some time? - Would ya?! - Yeah! Uh, I don't live here.
Cat? Sure, I'll babysit.
Just text me whenever.
Awesome.
Come on kids.
- Bye, you guys.
- Bye.
- Thanks again.
- Have fun.
- Save your snot! - You're a weird kid.
Now, let's see, you have red hair, and I'm blonde So I get one hundred and thirty And you get no hundred and twenty.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, you keep it all.
Well, guess I should hop on the old bike See where it takes me.
Okay, but It just seems like We had a lot of fun together over the past couple days.
And, we sorta have this whole, fun odd couple dynamic.
Built-in conflict.
Lots of potential for more adventures.
Ah, forget it.
No no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I mean I kinda don't have anywhere I really need to be And you kinda seem like you need a roommate.
Are you saying what I think you're saying?! Yeah! You're gonna stay here in L.
A.
with me for a while and help me find a roommate?! I already found you a roommate.
Shut up! Who is she?! Me! Oh my gosh, this is the best day ever! It's so much better than yesterday when we were in garbage! Isn't it? So what's for dinner?! I'm thinking free cheeseburgers.
To Inside-Out Burger! - Whoa! - Yeah! - Whoa! - Whoa! - Whoa! - Woo! Ah! Don't tickle me.
Take your fingers out of my ears.
This is gonna be a long ride.
Please, no.
Please, Nona, no.
Wake up! Please Nona! No! Nona, we're here.
We're in here, Nona.
Wake up.
No.
Nona.
Ah.
No, Nona.
Want more Sam and Cat? - Yeah! - You got it! - Put a check by that.
- Check by that.
- Because they're just getting started.
- Yay! Every Saturday night.
They're taking on the world one adventure at a time.
- It gonna be a good weekend.
- Ah yeah! Catch a brand new episode of Sam and Cat next Saturday at eight on Nick.