Samantha Who? s01e01 Episode Script

A couple of good things about being in a coma : No fattening food, lots of rest, they sponge you down every day.
It's like a spa.
Bad things : My nose itches, I have something called The Piña Colada Song stuck in my head, and, oh, yeah, sometimes I can hear what people in my room are saying.
I don't care if no one liked her.
She's still my daughter.
Struck down by a hit-and-run driver.
Hooked to machines like an eighth-grade science experiment.
A coma from which she may never awake.
Where does a mother turn for comfort and answers at a time like this ? To you, that's where.
The good people at Extreme Makeover : Home Edition.
Oh, my Lord.
Howard, she's awake ! Call the doctor.
Sweetheart, close your eyes.
I need to redo that last shot.
Wait, she's trying to say something ! Well, she's trying to make a kiss.
She wants to kiss us.
Oh, look at me, my eyes are watering.
Do you want to make a kiss ? Oh, yes, we're so happy too.
- Oh, we love you too ! - Who are you ? - Retro-what, now ? - Retrograde amnesia.
Her general knowledge is intact, but no personal memories.
For now, she can't recall anything about her life.
Not you, her friends, her high school prom, - not her eighth birthday party.
- This is awful.
I worked my fingers to the bone on that party.
Samantha ? I'm your father, Howard J.
Newly.
Here's my card.
And this is your friend, Dena.
- She came every day you were out.
- How long ? - Nineteen years.
- What ? Eight days.
He's kidding.
Howard, honestly ! Honey, your Aunt Polly called.
Don't forget to call her back.
- I don't know Aunt Polly.
- Aunt Polly.
- I'm sorry.
- Aunt Polly.
- I'm not sure that you're getting this.
- Aunt Polly ! Regina, yelling doesn't help.
Your cousin Kevin's mom.
Is she in another one of her comas ? Get the video camera.
- Just kiss him.
- I don't know him.
The doctor said familiar things might jog your memory.
You and Todd have a life together.
You have to go home with someone.
I can either go home with a total stranger or the people who raised me.
Wow, this should be an easier choice.
Just kiss him.
Maybe it'll trigger something like Sleeping Beauty.
You don't have to kiss me.
Maybe there's something else.
- Electric shock.
- Howard, no, we talked about that.
- Maybe just one kiss.
- Hmm ? Yeah.
I mean, you know, got to try something, right ? OK.
OK, you're good.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's just too weird ! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I have to go home with them.
Well, here we are.
Oh.
Oh, this is nice.
Oh, it's the same as it's always been.
We're due for one of those home makeovers, but, uh, oh, well.
Why don't you take Samantha's things upstairs ? So ? Getting anything ? - Oh, hey, a piano.
- Uh-huh.
Piano.
Let's see if I can play.
No.
Some things you can just ask.
Oh, there she is ! Oh, I am so sorry I have not seen you.
I've been in court.
You don't know what they're putting me though on this case.
It has been such a week.
- Oh, please say you'll forgive me.
- I forgive you uh, person in the red dress.
- Oh, that's right.
You don't know me.
Oh, my God, of course not.
I'm Andrea ! I'm your best friend in the whole world ! - Oh.
- So, what is this thing you have ? - Retro-what-what ? - Retrograde amnesia.
You wake up, you can't remember anything you've done, who you've met.
Oh, God, I have that every morning.
Ms.
Newly, can you give me a little top-off ? - I seem to have found the champagne.
- I'll bet you did.
If you had that nose like that for truffles, we'd all be rich.
Come on.
Come on.
My car's pointed down the driveway, let's go.
Wait, wait.
No, wait.
Go where ? - Beyond their gravitational pull.
- What, these two ? What is it ? Do we not get along ? You get along fine.
You haven't spoken in two years.
- What ? - Here you go, Andrea.
You might want to switch drinking arms.
You don't want to bulk up on one side.
We haven't spoken in two years ? Yes, we have.
Who said ? Her ? - Don't listen to her.
She's a drunk.
- What happened ? Did we have a fight ? - I don't recall.
- How can you not recall ? - How can you not recall ? - I have amnesia.
You're just lying.
Why dwell on ancient history ? You don't know the difference.
I need to know the truth.
Especially about my family.
This is where I came from.
I mean, you made me who I am.
That is a terrible thing to say.
Apologize to your mother, young lady.
Oh, look, I think I left my car running.
OK, I am gonna live with you but in a separate room or on the couch, and I am not gonna have sex with you, so you can just get that out of your mind, mister.
- Dave ? Who is that woman ? - No idea.
Sam ? Hey, it's this one.
Oh.
So this is the, uh, living room.
You can see the hardwoods floors and the crown molding.
There's a window right there for seeing out.
- Sorry, I don't know what I'm saying.
- No, it's OK.
It's OK.
And I'm sorry too, Tom, this has got to be so weird for you.
No, no, no, no, it's fine.
It's fine.
And it's It's Todd, by the way.
Oh, God.
Todd.
Todd, right.
Know what, I should be writing this stuff down.
And that's, uh, that's the bathroom.
Oh, and, uh, down there, that's the, uh, the bed bedroom.
Awkward.
Todd, there are messages on this machine.
You mind if I listen to them ? Sure.
Go for it.
Message one.
Todd, just wanted you to know, whoever tried to run Sam down, we're gonna find that guy.
And we're gonna buy him a drink ! Message two.
Todd, it's probably quiet without Sam, so if you want, Mark and I can come by and bitch at you for no reason at all.
I don't know those guys.
Those guys came with the machine.
- OK, what's the deal ? - With what ? With us.
I mean, did we get along, did we fight ? We're both very passionate people.
So then it's a yes on "fight.
" What else do we do together ? - Watch sports - Sports.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
when I can get you to stop cooking for me.
- I don't think that I believe you.
- And yet you must.
This is awesome.
Ooh, ooh ! Maybe it's someone.
Let's see.
Oh, it's Andrea.
It says her name.
That's cool.
Hello ? Where are you ? It's René's birthday.
Everybody's here.
Did you forget ? OK, Andrea ? What does "complete memory loss" mean to you ? It means I am here alone.
Hurry up.
Put something fabulous on.
See you at Eight.
OK.
All right, uh, goodbye.
Come on.
What ? Whoa.
Easy now, tiger.
Where are we going ? Renee is having a party, so we have to go see Renee.
- Who's Renee ? - Uh, a work friend.
I don't know her.
You met her at a conference.
- You see her at out-of-town things.
- Well, go get changed.
Not in here.
Me ? No.
No, no, no, I don't go.
No.
No, come on, you have to go.
It's a birthday party.
- It'll be fun.
- Even though you regard birthdays as childish ploys for harvesting attention and gifts ? - Oh, when did I say that ? - When you forgot mine.
Again.
Awkward.
Look, if you need me to, I'll go.
Yes, I do.
And I will call that Dena girl and I'll make her come and Oh, my God ! I have a daughter ? Whoa.
Good things about amnesia : All new clothes, no reruns.
Bad : Every minute is like that dream where you haven't been to class all year and the test is now.
Oh, no, I left my notebook in the car.
Oh, you know what ? I'll get it.
Oh, Todd, thank you so much for coming with me.
I'm so sorry that I'm so needy.
It's just I can't explain this, you know ? Everybody knows things about me, and I know absolutely nothing.
I just feel unarmed, you know ? It's like I'm like freaking out.
You know ? Like blaah ! OK.
Uh, you love Elvis Costello.
You hate opera.
You take Gummy Bear vitamins because you can't swallow pills and always sneeze three times in a row.
You never leave me any blankets 'cause you ball them up in your hands when you sleep like a little girl.
- That should hold you till I get back.
- OK.
Good evening.
Welcome to Eight.
Can I take your coat ? Here you go.
Hey.
Friends.
Strangers.
Whoa, whoa ! Where have you been ? No one's heard from you in two weeks.
You're mad at me, aren't you ? I'll make it up to you.
I can't swallow pills.
Excuse me.
Bye.
Nice to meet you.
Whoo-hoo ! Yay ! You made it.
OK, just now ? Some guy just kissed me.
Oh, just one ? You're off your game.
Here, have a drink.
René's waiting for you.
Good, good.
OK, which one is she ? I should write this down.
No, I don't have my notebook.
- I got it.
I got it.
- Hold this.
Ready ? OK, write this down.
One : René is a "he.
" - OK.
René is a he.
- Two, René is your lover.
He is my lover.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sure that's wrong because Todd is my Ding, ding, ding ! - Oh, I'm bad.
- Oh, yeah.
Hi.
So that's René ? My work friend ? That's René.
Well, who's that ? His wife.
We don't like her.
- Write that down.
- Andrea ? - Andrea.
- Todd is gonna be here any second ! Are you crazy ? Why would you invite Todd ? I don't know.
I thought my boyfriends might like to have a little playdate.
Hey, there you are.
Hi ! I got here before you guys.
I'm always early.
I can't help it.
Always convinced the address is fake, or everyone's standing in a window watching me until I just leave.
So - Why is she talking to us ? - It's Dena.
- Samantha's friend.
- Oh, I don't think so.
No.
No, I am.
Oh, God, there's Todd.
I gotta get him out of here.
I am.
Yeah.
Hey, Todd.
Todd.
Todd, hey, listen, know how you were so nice to come and I really needed you here ? Well - You're good ? - I'm good.
- See you.
- Yeah, OK.
- I need my coat.
- Oh, in a minute.
OK, come on.
Tell her that you lied.
OK, Samantha, we're gonna find this so funny later.
- What ? - Right ? We are not that close now.
- What ? What ? - But we were, up until seventh grade when you became more popular and I became less and less.
- Oh, yeah.
- Much less.
And I heard what happened, and I went to the hospital.
Everybody thought we were still friends.
Oh, and your poor mom.
God, she was just so happy you had a friend.
So, you know, I just I just kept coming back.
See ? It's pretty funny, right ? OK, so, um besides Todd, who I've betrayed, I only have one friend ? Honey, I am the only friend you need.
I said I need my coat.
Listen, I know you're in a hurry to get to work, but trust me, your street corner's still gonna be there.
My baby's still in there ! Oh, come here.
Come on, let's go and talk to René.
I don't want to talk to René.
Coat, please.
- Who's René ? - Come on.
Her guy.
- No, no, no.
Todd is her guy.
- Todd is my guy.
She doesn't even know Todd.
Now we can finally get rid of him.
- Why am I talking to you ? - Wait a minute.
Why do I want to end it with him ? Is it a bad relationship ? - Maybe we could have worked on it ? - But Todd is so nice.
If he was my boyfriend, I would lock the door and never let him out of the house.
Which was a problem before.
It is not now.
Choose René.
He is fun.
He is sexy.
He gets us floor seats and he has a plane.
And a wife.
He's a cheater.
And so are you.
You're perfect for each other ! - No, maybe not now.
People can change.
- People can change.
People cannot change.
They are who they are.
If people could change, would you be you ? She makes a good point.
Samantha, I'm paying no attention to you, it's unforgivable.
Listen, I'm leaving.
So happy birthday ! I got you some earrings.
- Don't ask.
- What ? No, don't do this.
Let's go somewhere.
Hawaii.
- Tomorrow.
- Tonight.
- Let's go to Holland.
- Oh, Holland.
You choose.
I'm leaving Marie.
Tonight.
Right after the cake.
I like cake.
How many times in a row do I sneeze ? Why, do you have a cold ? Why didn't you tell me before I kissed you ? I have a meeting ! You're right, Andrea.
We are perfect for each other.
I just don't want to be.
- Oh, here.
Got you some earrings.
- Oh ! "One day at a time.
Thirty days.
" I'm an alcoholic ? Andrea ! Worst thirty days of my life.
Are there any newcomers tonight ? Uh, me.
Or not.
I don't know.
I mean, maybe I'm a regular here.
You tell me.
I'm Samantha.
Hi, Samantha ! That doesn't answer my question.
Um, I'll be right there.
OK, just one second.
I just want to grab something.
Maybe I like, uh carrot cake.
Let's try that.
Oh, God.
No.
Oh, my God.
I don't.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm just gonna get a muffin then.
Some kind of muffin.
Banana.
But it has nuts.
I could be allergic to nuts, and then I might die.
Oh, an apple muffin ! Do you have doughnuts ? - You're drunk, aren't you ? - No.
One drink, I swear.
- How long since your last meeting ? - I don't know.
I've been unconscious for eight days.
No, no, no, no.
Not like that.
Oh, see, um, I, um Listen, I I hit my head, and then I lost my memory.
Yeah, like a cartoon, right ? And see, at first, my problem was is that I didn't know who I was, but now my problem is that I do know who I was and I really hate it.
And I really want to change, but maybe I can't.
"I yam what I yam.
" Popeye.
That, I remember.
- I just want to make good choices.
- Try the lemon squares.
Yeah, but that's it.
That's my point.
OK, I can I can go have a bite of the lemon square, you know Mmm-mmm.
Chew, chew, chew.
That's really good.
But does that desire alone make me a lemon square person ? Or am I just really, uh, a blueberry tart person ? Mmm.
Who just really, really wants to be a sweet, lovely, little lemon square person but is just destined to wake up day after day a freaking blueberry tart ! I think you should leave.
But I'm an alcoholic.
- Don't care.
- OK.
I'm taking this.
I really like this.
I'm going to write that down.
- Is that coffee cake ? - Out.
- I know.
- Bye, Samantha ! Did you see that ? What I just did ? I walked by you.
I didn't say hi.
I didn't say thanks.
I don't know your name.
What kind of person does that ? It's scary.
It really is.
Frank.
Hi, Frank.
Essay question, answer in complete sentences : If you could start over, rewind your life, do it all differently, what would you change ? Even if that change was hard and scary and might leave you even more alone.
Todd ? Yeah ? René is a guy.
I knew it.
I knew something was up ! I am really, really sorry.
But look, if it helps, I don't even know what I did, so it's like not doing it at all.
- Going with the insanity defense ? - Yes.
How's it playing ? - Not well ! - OK, I don't blame you for being mad.
- OK ? But could - No.
- What ? - Mad ? No, I'm not mad.
I'm grateful.
- Oh, really ? - Yeah.
'Cause your grateful face, it looks a lot like your like mad face.
No, you know what I am ? Relieved.
Because you finally gave me the excuse I needed to break up with you.
But she did it ! Bad Sam.
Break up with her.
- I already did ! - When ? Right before the accident.
OK, look, we met at the coffee place.
I told you, you left upset, - next you're in the hospital.
- We met at the coffee place.
- Yes.
I just told you that.
- No, we met at the coffee place.
It's where we first met.
I remember ! Decaf latte.
Hmm.
OK, Todd.
Double latte for Todd.
- Todd ! - Yep, it's mine.
Thanks.
Sorry, I was outside.
Whoa ! Is that mine ? - No.
It's mine.
- Your name is Todd ? - Mm-hmm.
- Me too.
Oh, well, good.
Then I'll see you at the Todd Club.
Hey, can I take your picture ? Really, mister ? Are you one of them photographers who's looking for models ? I wanna show the cops a picture of the girl who stole my latte.
Smile.
- Oh, good.
- That's gonna make a great mugshot.
I'll add it to the pile.
Wow.
That Sam.
What a a nut.
Yep.
Um I guess I'll, um go.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
That's weird.
You know what's crazy ? I mean, I'll bet that you know more about my life than I do.
Huh ? I mean, just standing out here, watching me come and go every night ? Except Thursdays.
Thursdays I have my screenwriting class.
- How's that going ? - It's going well.
Good.
So where do you go from here ? God, that is the question, huh ? I guess I'll go back to work.
Try to form some healthier relationships.
Make better friends, make some better choices.
I meant eastbound or west.
Oh, um I'm sorry.
I don't There's a Tom Waits song.
"If you get far enough away, you'll be on your way back home.
" Wow, yeah.
OK, what does that mean ? If you're trying to tell a story, you'd best start at the beginning.
Oh.
- I'm sorry, one more time ? - Go home.
OK, so before I come in, just tell me, you're not the one who tried to run me down.
Howard ! She's back ! - That's not an answer.
- Use your old room.
- You know where it is.
- Uh, no, I don't.
Well, just guess.
Come on, it'll be fun.
You know, just one more question.
Is there any chance that I was adopted ?