Sando (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 Let's go, Sando Two matching rocker recliners, only 99 bucks! Do 'em a deal, Mum! Ha-ha! Plus this big screen TV, only $299.
Oh, do 'em a deal, love.
Two seater sofa, coffee table, matching armchairs, big screen TV, big boy, little boy, lamps, for not $699, not $599.
Come on, do 'em a deal All this is yours for only $499.
She's the package deal queen Sando's Warehouse.
New stores in Boggabilla, Shuntsville, Mangwart and Fadgetown.
Let's go, Sando! Marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly, or lightly.
But honestly, faithfully, in fear of the big guy upstairs.
Oh, do 'em a deal, Father.
- (GUESTS LAUGH) - Shh! Sorry.
Anyway, I'm just so stoked we're all gathered here today BOY: (SOFTLY) Oh! Oh-ho.
Just look at her.
One day, that Susie of ours, she'll be running the company, Mum.
Think, three generations of Sandringham women.
It makes you proud.
Well, you've turned my beautiful boutique store into a bargain basement furniture whorehouse for bogans.
- Thanks, Mum.
- Hm.
Want to swap seats? If anyone can show just cause why Kevin and Susie may not lawfully be joined together, speak now or forever hold your peace.
(RINGTONE PLAYS) - Then let us now bear witness to - Shit.
What are you doing? Put that away.
- Let us now bear witness - Shit.
- Dad! - Guys, language.
Shit, you're pregnant?! Way to use your inside voice, Eric.
- On my wedding day? - Sorry, darl.
Just, you know, I thought it was early-onset menopause, but looks like everything's shipshape downstairs.
- Phew.
- Sando, Congratulations.
Um, but we're in the middle of something here.
Hang on.
My birthday was nearly a year ago.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
No I see what's happened.
What's happened? If you don't tell him, I will.
Way to kill the vibe, Kevin.
Mum? That's not not usually the kind of anecdote that I would tell at a wedding, but do you remember the pool party that we all had up at the holiday house in Terrigal? Who could forget? It was awesome.
You know what Kevin's like.
You know, he's all over me like a fat kid on a biscuit.
I just thought, you know, give him one, it would get him off my back.
(GUESTS GASP) Susie, darling, it meant nothing to me.
Or to him, did it, Kevin? I'm in love with you, Sando.
Holy shit! (SUSIE ROARS) (MENDELSSOHN'S WEDDING MARCH PLAYS) Susie, please, I can explain.
Susie.
Susie Ooh! - Back inside.
Nothing to see here.
- Please, it was Ooh! Susie Susie! Don't cause a scene, please.
I have got some very important clients in here today.
Susie, no.
No, you calm Listen, I'm the one who's paying for the wedding.
Susie, remember I'm pregnant.
Hey, hey! Stop that.
Piece of shit.
(KEVIN MOANS) (GRANDMA GROANS) Grandma! Grandma! Grandma! She's the package deal queen - Do 'em a deal - Let's go, Sando.
This company's about family.
Always has been, always will be.
It started with mine, and, yeah, sure, there's been a few hiccups.
Daughter doesn't speak to me, been the odd restraining order.
But at the end of the day, the family that I'm really talking about is you lot.
We used to be just one store, and now we're like fake tan on a bra, we are everywhere.
137 stores nationwide! (ALL CHEER) And this store, Macquarie effing Fields, is the top earner this financial year.
Yes, it is! Oh, if it isn't our illustrious CFO Tony, come to babysit.
Oh, quite the opposite.
It's been a tough year.
It's been a tough decade.
Now, go easy.
You remember we've got a board meeting first thing in the morning.
Don't you worry about me.
I'll be tucked up in bed by eight.
Happy EOFY! (ALL CHEER) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) Whoo! Go! Go! Go! Go! (PLATES SMASH) Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! (SNORES) Oh! Tony? What are you doing in my bedroom? Did you and I Oh, I've got to get to a chemist.
It's not your bedroom.
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT) What? Oh, shit.
- The board meeting.
- It's going very well.
They say hi.
Oh, morning.
They can't hear you.
Oh, you set me up.
No, I stopped protecting you.
The board wants you to stand down.
Stand down? I've been the face of this company for 20 years.
Well, maybe it needs a new face.
I am the reason that people run through those doors and blow their baby bonus on a flat screen.
Yeah, maybe once, when the Sandringham name was still respected.
Before you had a kid with your daughter's fiance.
- Accidentally.
- It's a new world out there, Vicki.
We are competing against discount online people.
It's something you know nothing about.
Tony, I think I'm having a stroke.
I can't feel my arm.
That's because it's stuck under some idiot's arse.
Ooh! (GASPS) - Oh, my God.
- Just unbelievable.
Am I late for work? OUT of work.
- I'm fired? - No.
- She said I was gonna get promoted.
- You will.
Listen.
Let me just get home, have a shower, and then I will get back here and we will sort this all out.
Yeah, about that serviced apartment that you live in, that we pay for, that stops today too.
Oh, well, that's a good look, isn't it? The CEO of the company living rough on the street.
You can stay with me if you want.
Tony, please, I've got nowhere else to go.
You know that all my money is tied up in stock options and racehorses.
Yeah, it's not my fault you have burnt every bridge you ever had with anyone that ever loved you.
Tony, please.
Please.
Alright, slither off, then, you snake! Hey, Gary, can you give me some feedback on my jokes? I'm probably not the best person to talk to about comedy, Eric.
Come on, you're tall.
That's funny.
How about this one? The other day, I went to the sperm bank and they asked me, "Do you want to make a deposit?" Nah.
Withdrawal! Come on, that's gold.
You can't say that at a kids' party, Eric.
You don't know how many of them are IVF.
All good.
I've got a killer set lined up for the kids.
Like, fairy bread.
Like, what's up with that? It's like, is it for fairies or for people? Gary.
Why are you dressed for work? - I'm on standby at the mosque.
- On your daughter's birthday? I knew this job would be problematic.
It's good, honest work.
You lied about being a Muslim to get the job.
Brother-in-law, fake Muslim, works at a mosque.
Stop using my life as a routine.
Guys, don't freak out, but we are out of celery sticks for the lolly bags.
Can everyone just keep in mind that I'm trying to create golden memories for my child? I don't want anyone screwing that up.
Alright, well, then just breathe.
Visualise peak joy.
And exhale.
Mmm.
Peak joy, peak joy, peak joy.
Ah, doing security for the party? No.
Hey, Dad, is this funny? So, fairy bread, is it No.
(FEEDBACK SCREECHES) Hi.
Just a little bit of housekeeping.
No shoes or food inside.
Snack table all very, very healthy.
A very warm welcome to my anti-vax friends.
Keep your kids in the pen.
Alright, welcome, everyone, to Rian's party.
Oh, I just want to thank my whole team, Gary, my husband.
Dad, thanks for letting us move back in while we save some money.
Eric, my little brother, for giving up your Lego room for Rian.
And last but not least, my bestie, my yoga wife, my live-in life coach, my sometimes nanny Nicky.
Don't forget about me! Special delivery for the birthday girl.
Horse-some! (HORSE NEIGHS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHES) Ah, Vicki, what have I told you about showing up here on one of your redemption benders? Relax, Don.
I'm just here for Rylan's birthday.
- It's Rian.
- That's what I said.
Hello, darling.
I'm Sando, I'm your grandma.
- And this is for you.
- Mum! Did you get me one? - Eric, hold your horses.
- No, you hold yours.
I thought my grandma was dead.
Dead to us, sweetie.
You thank her for the gift, but we can't accept it.
Her and the horse have to go.
Oh.
Well, it was worth a try.
Alright, kids, I'm very sorry, but it looks like Doctor Zhivago here has to go off to horsey heaven.
CHILDREN: No! (SCREAMS) I'm here because I thought .
.
Maybe we could start again.
(LAUGHS) (SANDO LAUGHS) Oh, for a second there I thought you were going to tell me to Get out.
Right, fair enough.
We're still back at Susie, you married a good man.
A big man.
Look at him, he's huge.
He looks like the Rock.
Sure, he works in security, but He carries a taser.
And you, you didn't have to end up with that dickhead Kevin.
Some would say Well, I wouldn't call myself a hero, but some would argue that I took a bullet for you.
How would you like to take another one? Oh, come on.
We did have some good times, Suse.
Like that time when we, uh Don? We never had to queue at Centrepoint Tower.
Remember that time we met Agro? We had our own booth at any Sizzler in the country.
You will never get it.
Take your racehorse and go and I will tell Rian that you had a Boxing Day sale on, like you used to tell me on my birthdays.
It's the biggest retail day of the year.
My birthday's in March, Mum.
(SIGHS) Security.
Oh, Susie, I just want to make things right before it's too late.
Before it's too late? What do you mean? Mum, you're not - Oh, my God, you're dying? - She's not.
- Mum? - Well, um I did have a stroke last night.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
Get away from my dying mother, you brute! It was just terrible.
I can't begin to tell you.
I had spit on my face, I couldn't speak properly and the whole side of my body, it was just numb.
And you were taken to hospital? - Mm.
- Which one? St Peterson's.
It's a small hospital.
They only do strokes.
Fine.
You can stay for the party.
Only because you might drop dead.
But once the party's over, you're gone.
And it is Rian's birthday, it's not about you, like my first wedding or my Year 10 formal or every other moment in my life.
Keep her under surveillance, hon.
It's nice to meet you, Mrs Sandringham.
Very nice to meet you, Gary.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, g'day.
How are we doing? My name's Eric Sandringham.
I'm Rian's uncle.
Who here hates booster seats? Nobody? Good, 'cause when it's gone, you actually sit lower in the car, so it's harder to see out.
And then you'd be like, "What gives? I thought I was meant to be taller.
" Hmm.
So, what's the deal with Pokemon? It's, like, is it a TV show, a card game or a video game, you know? It's all of them.
OK, let's leave the comedy to the professionals.
Is there one coming? (LAUGHTER) Hey, do I come to your school and tell you how to do your homework? We do HOMEWORK at home, not at school.
Alright, thank you very much.
Kids can be cruel, can't they? Do 'em a deal, Sando! 10 points for trying, Eric, and minus 10 for no punchlines.
I think you're funny, Eric.
Oh, can you not do that, please? Can you not lie to the kid? Um, Positive reinforcement is a proven form of encouragement.
And it is also a proven form of delusion.
(LAUGHTER) Eric Oh, come on.
Mate, I was only trying to help.
I was just joking.
Eric! All yours.
OK.
Thank you, Eric.
Alright, Rian's birthday today, so I thought I'd do a little something.
Oh, come on, play us a jingle, Dom.
(LAUGHS) I do songs now, Vicki.
I seem to remember you wrote me a jingle once.
(LAUGHTER) Rian Oh, Rian You're seven today You're my little granddaughter Do the jingle! Just do the jingle, Don! Uh, no, actually I've actually got an album I've been working on.
Play Sando's Warehouse! (ADULTS CHEER) Uh, you know ALL: (CHANT) Sando's! Sando's! Sando's! (ALL CONTINUE CHANTING) Let's go, Sando! Come on down to Sando's And build yourself a dream The price is low and away we go Yeah, there IS a professional coming, a professional idiot.
You, kid.
Drops mike.
Eric.
I, uh I was a bit harsh out there.
It's just a dumb kids' party.
Nicky thinks I'm funny.
Probably just because she's got the hots for me.
Yeah, OK.
I just want to be good at something, you know? Follow my dreams, like you and Susie.
- Susie? - My voiceover demos got me nowhere.
They're very picky about kids' TV hosts.
I forgot my YouTube channel login.
- Hang on, what's Susie doing? - Her online business thingy.
She gets stuff shipped from places to some other places or something.
What kind of stuff? I don't know.
Clothes, equipment.
- Furniture? - I guess.
She says it's gonna change internet shopping forever, yet here I am just trying to change the world through laughter.
Oh, Eric, if you're hell-bent on telling jokes for a living, fine.
Just find some that don't suck a bag of dicks and tell them.
That's all.
- You mean tell other people's jokes? - Sure.
I mean, singers sing other people's songs all the time, and they make good money out of it.
Yes, alright.
You big duffer.
Come on, chin up.
Can you tell me a little bit more about Susie's internet business thingy? - Well, it's with the internet.
- Yep, I got that.
And then she goes to the post office and then Babe, you haven't smoked since high school.
Come on, it's not good for stress.
That's a myth.
Just as long as the early death part is true.
This is what my mother does.
She finds a way in.
- By having a stroke? - Exactly.
She is a gifted saleswoman.
I mean, she would use anything to get her foot in the door.
It's classic Sando.
She built an entire empire like that.
Yeah.
Maybe we SHOULD let her back in.
She runs an empire.
She's loaded.
Hey, we are NEVER taking her money.
How many times do I have to tell you that? Suse, I'm working four jobs just to keep your business idea afloat.
I work just as much as you do! - But you don't get paid.
- Yet! Once my website is fully up and running we'll be rolling in it.
DON: No! No more jingles! And when's that gonna be? It's a money pit.
If your mum invested in it, we'd be up and running tomorrow.
Guys, take it easy, OK? We've got guests.
I'm gonna go check on everything.
DON: No, no, you've ruined it now.
Forget it.
Don't you think it's a little bit weird that she's recovered so quickly? GUESTS: (CHANT) Sando! Sando! Sando! VOICEOVER: And the winner is, the husband of Sando, Dan Sandringham! I mean Don! Don Sandringham.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Go away.
Oh, Nicky.
You write one iconic jingle and suddenly it defines your whole career.
- It is very catchy.
- I want to be taken seriously.
I take you seriously.
Just don't let it get to you.
I'm not just some slogan-singing ex-husband of a colourful furniture magnate, you know? Yeah, you're an artist.
Tonight, OK? Let's do it.
Has your Viagra shipment come in? No, I mean let's tell everyone.
About us.
We'll sit Susie down.
I've actually written a song about it.
I thought we could sing it to her, it might soften the blow a bit.
I don't know.
No, it's just like a duet.
Like, you know, you do the harmonies, I'll Yeah, I'm just not sure about the timing.
- Nonsense.
You've got great rhythm.
- No, about us.
Plus, you know, this whole, like, sneaking around thing has been kind of sexy.
We can't sneak around forever.
Come on, you want us to be happy, right? Mm-hm.
(DOOR OPENS) Rian! Your grandad was just about to show me his jingle.
Play play me his jingle.
This is Don-Don's man cave, sweetie.
It's out of bounds, remember? - Where's Mummy? - I'm looking for her.
I want to do the cake now.
The cake.
OK, great, yeah, let's do the cake.
- OK.
Yay.
- Come on.
Oh, they were wild days, the retail rat pack.
There was me, Joycie Main, Gerri Harvey, Captain Snooze.
Where's Mummy? I want cake.
Oh, sweetheart, I'll get you a piece of cake.
Yay! Yummy cake! Mum, what was the name of the hospital you went to again? - Was it St Peterson's? - Uh yeah.
Why? Oh, it's just that St Peterson's Hospital doesn't exist.
Oh, not St Peterson's, St Patterson's.
Oh.
No such place.
I've checked.
St Patterstein's.
It's Jewish-ish.
There was no stroke, was there? I'm not a doctor, Susie, but I just had this terrible pain and I just - Why are you here? - Drop the knife, Susie.
- Oh, my! - Eric! - Eric! - What the hell? Stay back.
Susie, the knife.
Piss off, Eric.
I know you all think I'm just a comedian, but I won't let anybody hurt my mum.
How can you be on her side? She is the reason you're screwed up.
Me? How am I screwed up? You're not.
You are a funny, intelligent, reasonable guy.
So let's just put this away.
- I'll take that.
- Oh.
Listen, I am here at my granddaughter's birthday party, Susie.
Suse, give me the taser.
If the imam finds out, I'm in real Shut up, Gary.
OK, I may have stretched the truth a bit.
But one thing that I was not lying about was wanting to come here to make things right with you.
It's true, Susie.
Mum cares about all of us.
You are so gullible, Eric.
She's really interested in my stand-up career, and your online business too.
She was asking all about it.
Wants to use the whatever it is that your business is.
It's an online logistic company.
That one.
Probably wants to take it over, I'm guessing.
- Make it part of her company.
- That's it! - No.
- That's why you're here.
Yes! I had no idea about your business until Big Mouth here told me today.
My whole life, we've come second to your business and your ego.
Susie, I am not lying.
You look me in the eye and tell me that you haven't thought about using my business to help yours.
Well, OK, I have now.
Come on, Susie.
Mummy! GARY: Suse! Susie! MAN: Is this part of the entertainment? - She's killing Sando! - Suse! (GUESTS SCREAM) The trigger.
(GROANS) Let go.
Vicki! Somebody call an ambulance! Vicki.
Vicki! - Mum's dead and it's all my fault.
- Hey, hey, she's not dead.
Guess whose services are no longer required at the mosque? You should be fine, Mrs Sandringham, but you need lots of rest.
No doing deals for 48 hours.
Deal.
Thanks, fellas.
Oh, surely THAT counts as a stroke.
You could have died.
Were you a bit worried about me, Donny? I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
(ALL LAUGH) That's quite good, actually.
DON: Good one, Eric.
Mum .
.
I'm sorry I tasered you.
That's alright, sweetheart.
I'm sorry that you being a terrible person made me act like a terrible person who wanted you dead for a bit.
Wow.
Nasty apology.
They're tough to pull off.
Mad respect.
Well, I guess I should probably get going.
Oh, shit.
Can't you stay here? Eric! She's my mum too, Susie.
Who's going to take care of her? Mummy, don't send Grandma away.
Oh, sweetheart.
It's probably best if Grandma goes.
No, it isn't.
Dad? Mummy, please? Come on, sweetie.
Well, I don't know where you're going to sleep.
I mean, every room's taken.
I seem to remember the master bedroom being pretty cosy.
The old chopping board, chop-chop.
(LAUGHS) I know where she can sleep.
The pool house? It's more of a storeroom these days.
We put old stuff that's not important to us anymore.
It's just a couple of days.
Till you recover.
Yeah, a couple of days, tops.
Yeah.
I wish it was for longer.
If Susie didn't hate you so much Yeah, yeah, she'll come round.
She said she never wants to speak to you or work with you ever again.
You leave that to me.
I'm the package deal queen, remember? Hey, I've been I've been thinking.
Maybe you're right, you know? Maybe we should tell Susie.
Oh, yeah, I don't know about the timing.
You know, with the tasering and Sando and But I did find a Viagra down the back of the couch.
So, are you sure it's just about the timing? Like, there's nothing I need to worry about? You were married to her, Don.
Oh, God, no.
No, that is not the reason, no.
I've been burnt too many times to ever go back to Sando.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
No, I mean literally burnt.
I mean, she used to smoke in bed.
Cigars.
And not after, during.
Trust me, you've got nothing to worry about, OK? Yeah.
JINGLE: (ON VIDEO) Watch your neighbours turning green When they see your smile and your new-found style She's the package deal queen (LAUGHS) Do 'em a deal Let's go, Sando! Oh, bloody classic.
Oh, do 'em a deal, love.
Two seater sofa, coffee table, matching armchairs, big screen TV, big boy, little boy, lamps, for not $699, not $599.
Come on, do 'em a deal All this is yours for only $499.
She's the package deal queen Sando's Warehouse.
New stores in Boggabilla, Shuntsville, Mangwart and Fadgetown.
Let's go, Sando! Marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly, or lightly.
But honestly, faithfully, in fear of the big guy upstairs.
Oh, do 'em a deal, Father.
- (GUESTS LAUGH) - Shh! Sorry.
Anyway, I'm just so stoked we're all gathered here today BOY: (SOFTLY) Oh! Oh-ho.
Just look at her.
One day, that Susie of ours, she'll be running the company, Mum.
Think, three generations of Sandringham women.
It makes you proud.
Well, you've turned my beautiful boutique store into a bargain basement furniture whorehouse for bogans.
- Thanks, Mum.
- Hm.
Want to swap seats? If anyone can show just cause why Kevin and Susie may not lawfully be joined together, speak now or forever hold your peace.
(RINGTONE PLAYS) - Then let us now bear witness to - Shit.
What are you doing? Put that away.
- Let us now bear witness - Shit.
- Dad! - Guys, language.
Shit, you're pregnant?! Way to use your inside voice, Eric.
- On my wedding day? - Sorry, darl.
Just, you know, I thought it was early-onset menopause, but looks like everything's shipshape downstairs.
- Phew.
- Sando, Congratulations.
Um, but we're in the middle of something here.
Hang on.
My birthday was nearly a year ago.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
No I see what's happened.
What's happened? If you don't tell him, I will.
Way to kill the vibe, Kevin.
Mum? That's not not usually the kind of anecdote that I would tell at a wedding, but do you remember the pool party that we all had up at the holiday house in Terrigal? Who could forget? It was awesome.
You know what Kevin's like.
You know, he's all over me like a fat kid on a biscuit.
I just thought, you know, give him one, it would get him off my back.
(GUESTS GASP) Susie, darling, it meant nothing to me.
Or to him, did it, Kevin? I'm in love with you, Sando.
Holy shit! (SUSIE ROARS) (MENDELSSOHN'S WEDDING MARCH PLAYS) Susie, please, I can explain.
Susie.
Susie Ooh! - Back inside.
Nothing to see here.
- Please, it was Ooh! Susie Susie! Don't cause a scene, please.
I have got some very important clients in here today.
Susie, no.
No, you calm Listen, I'm the one who's paying for the wedding.
Susie, remember I'm pregnant.
Hey, hey! Stop that.
Piece of shit.
(KEVIN MOANS) (GRANDMA GROANS) Grandma! Grandma! Grandma! She's the package deal queen - Do 'em a deal - Let's go, Sando.
This company's about family.
Always has been, always will be.
It started with mine, and, yeah, sure, there's been a few hiccups.
Daughter doesn't speak to me, been the odd restraining order.
But at the end of the day, the family that I'm really talking about is you lot.
We used to be just one store, and now we're like fake tan on a bra, we are everywhere.
137 stores nationwide! (ALL CHEER) And this store, Macquarie effing Fields, is the top earner this financial year.
Yes, it is! Oh, if it isn't our illustrious CFO Tony, come to babysit.
Oh, quite the opposite.
It's been a tough year.
It's been a tough decade.
Now, go easy.
You remember we've got a board meeting first thing in the morning.
Don't you worry about me.
I'll be tucked up in bed by eight.
Happy EOFY! (ALL CHEER) (DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) Whoo! Go! Go! Go! Go! (PLATES SMASH) Jump! Jump! Jump! Jump! (SNORES) Oh! Tony? What are you doing in my bedroom? Did you and I Oh, I've got to get to a chemist.
It's not your bedroom.
(INDISTINCT PA ANNOUNCEMENT) What? Oh, shit.
- The board meeting.
- It's going very well.
They say hi.
Oh, morning.
They can't hear you.
Oh, you set me up.
No, I stopped protecting you.
The board wants you to stand down.
Stand down? I've been the face of this company for 20 years.
Well, maybe it needs a new face.
I am the reason that people run through those doors and blow their baby bonus on a flat screen.
Yeah, maybe once, when the Sandringham name was still respected.
Before you had a kid with your daughter's fiance.
- Accidentally.
- It's a new world out there, Vicki.
We are competing against discount online people.
It's something you know nothing about.
Tony, I think I'm having a stroke.
I can't feel my arm.
That's because it's stuck under some idiot's arse.
Ooh! (GASPS) - Oh, my God.
- Just unbelievable.
Am I late for work? OUT of work.
- I'm fired? - No.
- She said I was gonna get promoted.
- You will.
Listen.
Let me just get home, have a shower, and then I will get back here and we will sort this all out.
Yeah, about that serviced apartment that you live in, that we pay for, that stops today too.
Oh, well, that's a good look, isn't it? The CEO of the company living rough on the street.
You can stay with me if you want.
Tony, please, I've got nowhere else to go.
You know that all my money is tied up in stock options and racehorses.
Yeah, it's not my fault you have burnt every bridge you ever had with anyone that ever loved you.
Tony, please.
Please.
Alright, slither off, then, you snake! Hey, Gary, can you give me some feedback on my jokes? I'm probably not the best person to talk to about comedy, Eric.
Come on, you're tall.
That's funny.
How about this one? The other day, I went to the sperm bank and they asked me, "Do you want to make a deposit?" Nah.
Withdrawal! Come on, that's gold.
You can't say that at a kids' party, Eric.
You don't know how many of them are IVF.
All good.
I've got a killer set lined up for the kids.
Like, fairy bread.
Like, what's up with that? It's like, is it for fairies or for people? Gary.
Why are you dressed for work? - I'm on standby at the mosque.
- On your daughter's birthday? I knew this job would be problematic.
It's good, honest work.
You lied about being a Muslim to get the job.
Brother-in-law, fake Muslim, works at a mosque.
Stop using my life as a routine.
Guys, don't freak out, but we are out of celery sticks for the lolly bags.
Can everyone just keep in mind that I'm trying to create golden memories for my child? I don't want anyone screwing that up.
Alright, well, then just breathe.
Visualise peak joy.
And exhale.
Mmm.
Peak joy, peak joy, peak joy.
Ah, doing security for the party? No.
Hey, Dad, is this funny? So, fairy bread, is it No.
(FEEDBACK SCREECHES) Hi.
Just a little bit of housekeeping.
No shoes or food inside.
Snack table all very, very healthy.
A very warm welcome to my anti-vax friends.
Keep your kids in the pen.
Alright, welcome, everyone, to Rian's party.
Oh, I just want to thank my whole team, Gary, my husband.
Dad, thanks for letting us move back in while we save some money.
Eric, my little brother, for giving up your Lego room for Rian.
And last but not least, my bestie, my yoga wife, my live-in life coach, my sometimes nanny Nicky.
Don't forget about me! Special delivery for the birthday girl.
Horse-some! (HORSE NEIGHS) (FEEDBACK SCREECHES) Ah, Vicki, what have I told you about showing up here on one of your redemption benders? Relax, Don.
I'm just here for Rylan's birthday.
- It's Rian.
- That's what I said.
Hello, darling.
I'm Sando, I'm your grandma.
- And this is for you.
- Mum! Did you get me one? - Eric, hold your horses.
- No, you hold yours.
I thought my grandma was dead.
Dead to us, sweetie.
You thank her for the gift, but we can't accept it.
Her and the horse have to go.
Oh.
Well, it was worth a try.
Alright, kids, I'm very sorry, but it looks like Doctor Zhivago here has to go off to horsey heaven.
CHILDREN: No! (SCREAMS) I'm here because I thought .
.
Maybe we could start again.
(LAUGHS) (SANDO LAUGHS) Oh, for a second there I thought you were going to tell me to Get out.
Right, fair enough.
We're still back at Susie, you married a good man.
A big man.
Look at him, he's huge.
He looks like the Rock.
Sure, he works in security, but He carries a taser.
And you, you didn't have to end up with that dickhead Kevin.
Some would say Well, I wouldn't call myself a hero, but some would argue that I took a bullet for you.
How would you like to take another one? Oh, come on.
We did have some good times, Suse.
Like that time when we, uh Don? We never had to queue at Centrepoint Tower.
Remember that time we met Agro? We had our own booth at any Sizzler in the country.
You will never get it.
Take your racehorse and go and I will tell Rian that you had a Boxing Day sale on, like you used to tell me on my birthdays.
It's the biggest retail day of the year.
My birthday's in March, Mum.
(SIGHS) Security.
Oh, Susie, I just want to make things right before it's too late.
Before it's too late? What do you mean? Mum, you're not - Oh, my God, you're dying? - She's not.
- Mum? - Well, um I did have a stroke last night.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
Get away from my dying mother, you brute! It was just terrible.
I can't begin to tell you.
I had spit on my face, I couldn't speak properly and the whole side of my body, it was just numb.
And you were taken to hospital? - Mm.
- Which one? St Peterson's.
It's a small hospital.
They only do strokes.
Fine.
You can stay for the party.
Only because you might drop dead.
But once the party's over, you're gone.
And it is Rian's birthday, it's not about you, like my first wedding or my Year 10 formal or every other moment in my life.
Keep her under surveillance, hon.
It's nice to meet you, Mrs Sandringham.
Very nice to meet you, Gary.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, g'day.
How are we doing? My name's Eric Sandringham.
I'm Rian's uncle.
Who here hates booster seats? Nobody? Good, 'cause when it's gone, you actually sit lower in the car, so it's harder to see out.
And then you'd be like, "What gives? I thought I was meant to be taller.
" Hmm.
So, what's the deal with Pokemon? It's, like, is it a TV show, a card game or a video game, you know? It's all of them.
OK, let's leave the comedy to the professionals.
Is there one coming? (LAUGHTER) Hey, do I come to your school and tell you how to do your homework? We do HOMEWORK at home, not at school.
Alright, thank you very much.
Kids can be cruel, can't they? Do 'em a deal, Sando! 10 points for trying, Eric, and minus 10 for no punchlines.
I think you're funny, Eric.
Oh, can you not do that, please? Can you not lie to the kid? Um, Positive reinforcement is a proven form of encouragement.
And it is also a proven form of delusion.
(LAUGHTER) Eric Oh, come on.
Mate, I was only trying to help.
I was just joking.
Eric! All yours.
OK.
Thank you, Eric.
Alright, Rian's birthday today, so I thought I'd do a little something.
Oh, come on, play us a jingle, Dom.
(LAUGHS) I do songs now, Vicki.
I seem to remember you wrote me a jingle once.
(LAUGHTER) Rian Oh, Rian You're seven today You're my little granddaughter Do the jingle! Just do the jingle, Don! Uh, no, actually I've actually got an album I've been working on.
Play Sando's Warehouse! (ADULTS CHEER) Uh, you know ALL: (CHANT) Sando's! Sando's! Sando's! (ALL CONTINUE CHANTING) Let's go, Sando! Come on down to Sando's And build yourself a dream The price is low and away we go Yeah, there IS a professional coming, a professional idiot.
You, kid.
Drops mike.
Eric.
I, uh I was a bit harsh out there.
It's just a dumb kids' party.
Nicky thinks I'm funny.
Probably just because she's got the hots for me.
Yeah, OK.
I just want to be good at something, you know? Follow my dreams, like you and Susie.
- Susie? - My voiceover demos got me nowhere.
They're very picky about kids' TV hosts.
I forgot my YouTube channel login.
- Hang on, what's Susie doing? - Her online business thingy.
She gets stuff shipped from places to some other places or something.
What kind of stuff? I don't know.
Clothes, equipment.
- Furniture? - I guess.
She says it's gonna change internet shopping forever, yet here I am just trying to change the world through laughter.
Oh, Eric, if you're hell-bent on telling jokes for a living, fine.
Just find some that don't suck a bag of dicks and tell them.
That's all.
- You mean tell other people's jokes? - Sure.
I mean, singers sing other people's songs all the time, and they make good money out of it.
Yes, alright.
You big duffer.
Come on, chin up.
Can you tell me a little bit more about Susie's internet business thingy? - Well, it's with the internet.
- Yep, I got that.
And then she goes to the post office and then Babe, you haven't smoked since high school.
Come on, it's not good for stress.
That's a myth.
Just as long as the early death part is true.
This is what my mother does.
She finds a way in.
- By having a stroke? - Exactly.
She is a gifted saleswoman.
I mean, she would use anything to get her foot in the door.
It's classic Sando.
She built an entire empire like that.
Yeah.
Maybe we SHOULD let her back in.
She runs an empire.
She's loaded.
Hey, we are NEVER taking her money.
How many times do I have to tell you that? Suse, I'm working four jobs just to keep your business idea afloat.
I work just as much as you do! - But you don't get paid.
- Yet! Once my website is fully up and running we'll be rolling in it.
DON: No! No more jingles! And when's that gonna be? It's a money pit.
If your mum invested in it, we'd be up and running tomorrow.
Guys, take it easy, OK? We've got guests.
I'm gonna go check on everything.
DON: No, no, you've ruined it now.
Forget it.
Don't you think it's a little bit weird that she's recovered so quickly? GUESTS: (CHANT) Sando! Sando! Sando! VOICEOVER: And the winner is, the husband of Sando, Dan Sandringham! I mean Don! Don Sandringham.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) Go away.
Oh, Nicky.
You write one iconic jingle and suddenly it defines your whole career.
- It is very catchy.
- I want to be taken seriously.
I take you seriously.
Just don't let it get to you.
I'm not just some slogan-singing ex-husband of a colourful furniture magnate, you know? Yeah, you're an artist.
Tonight, OK? Let's do it.
Has your Viagra shipment come in? No, I mean let's tell everyone.
About us.
We'll sit Susie down.
I've actually written a song about it.
I thought we could sing it to her, it might soften the blow a bit.
I don't know.
No, it's just like a duet.
Like, you know, you do the harmonies, I'll Yeah, I'm just not sure about the timing.
- Nonsense.
You've got great rhythm.
- No, about us.
Plus, you know, this whole, like, sneaking around thing has been kind of sexy.
We can't sneak around forever.
Come on, you want us to be happy, right? Mm-hm.
(DOOR OPENS) Rian! Your grandad was just about to show me his jingle.
Play play me his jingle.
This is Don-Don's man cave, sweetie.
It's out of bounds, remember? - Where's Mummy? - I'm looking for her.
I want to do the cake now.
The cake.
OK, great, yeah, let's do the cake.
- OK.
Yay.
- Come on.
Oh, they were wild days, the retail rat pack.
There was me, Joycie Main, Gerri Harvey, Captain Snooze.
Where's Mummy? I want cake.
Oh, sweetheart, I'll get you a piece of cake.
Yay! Yummy cake! Mum, what was the name of the hospital you went to again? - Was it St Peterson's? - Uh yeah.
Why? Oh, it's just that St Peterson's Hospital doesn't exist.
Oh, not St Peterson's, St Patterson's.
Oh.
No such place.
I've checked.
St Patterstein's.
It's Jewish-ish.
There was no stroke, was there? I'm not a doctor, Susie, but I just had this terrible pain and I just - Why are you here? - Drop the knife, Susie.
- Oh, my! - Eric! - Eric! - What the hell? Stay back.
Susie, the knife.
Piss off, Eric.
I know you all think I'm just a comedian, but I won't let anybody hurt my mum.
How can you be on her side? She is the reason you're screwed up.
Me? How am I screwed up? You're not.
You are a funny, intelligent, reasonable guy.
So let's just put this away.
- I'll take that.
- Oh.
Listen, I am here at my granddaughter's birthday party, Susie.
Suse, give me the taser.
If the imam finds out, I'm in real Shut up, Gary.
OK, I may have stretched the truth a bit.
But one thing that I was not lying about was wanting to come here to make things right with you.
It's true, Susie.
Mum cares about all of us.
You are so gullible, Eric.
She's really interested in my stand-up career, and your online business too.
She was asking all about it.
Wants to use the whatever it is that your business is.
It's an online logistic company.
That one.
Probably wants to take it over, I'm guessing.
- Make it part of her company.
- That's it! - No.
- That's why you're here.
Yes! I had no idea about your business until Big Mouth here told me today.
My whole life, we've come second to your business and your ego.
Susie, I am not lying.
You look me in the eye and tell me that you haven't thought about using my business to help yours.
Well, OK, I have now.
Come on, Susie.
Mummy! GARY: Suse! Susie! MAN: Is this part of the entertainment? - She's killing Sando! - Suse! (GUESTS SCREAM) The trigger.
(GROANS) Let go.
Vicki! Somebody call an ambulance! Vicki.
Vicki! - Mum's dead and it's all my fault.
- Hey, hey, she's not dead.
Guess whose services are no longer required at the mosque? You should be fine, Mrs Sandringham, but you need lots of rest.
No doing deals for 48 hours.
Deal.
Thanks, fellas.
Oh, surely THAT counts as a stroke.
You could have died.
Were you a bit worried about me, Donny? I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
(ALL LAUGH) That's quite good, actually.
DON: Good one, Eric.
Mum .
.
I'm sorry I tasered you.
That's alright, sweetheart.
I'm sorry that you being a terrible person made me act like a terrible person who wanted you dead for a bit.
Wow.
Nasty apology.
They're tough to pull off.
Mad respect.
Well, I guess I should probably get going.
Oh, shit.
Can't you stay here? Eric! She's my mum too, Susie.
Who's going to take care of her? Mummy, don't send Grandma away.
Oh, sweetheart.
It's probably best if Grandma goes.
No, it isn't.
Dad? Mummy, please? Come on, sweetie.
Well, I don't know where you're going to sleep.
I mean, every room's taken.
I seem to remember the master bedroom being pretty cosy.
The old chopping board, chop-chop.
(LAUGHS) I know where she can sleep.
The pool house? It's more of a storeroom these days.
We put old stuff that's not important to us anymore.
It's just a couple of days.
Till you recover.
Yeah, a couple of days, tops.
Yeah.
I wish it was for longer.
If Susie didn't hate you so much Yeah, yeah, she'll come round.
She said she never wants to speak to you or work with you ever again.
You leave that to me.
I'm the package deal queen, remember? Hey, I've been I've been thinking.
Maybe you're right, you know? Maybe we should tell Susie.
Oh, yeah, I don't know about the timing.
You know, with the tasering and Sando and But I did find a Viagra down the back of the couch.
So, are you sure it's just about the timing? Like, there's nothing I need to worry about? You were married to her, Don.
Oh, God, no.
No, that is not the reason, no.
I've been burnt too many times to ever go back to Sando.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
No, I mean literally burnt.
I mean, she used to smoke in bed.
Cigars.
And not after, during.
Trust me, you've got nothing to worry about, OK? Yeah.
JINGLE: (ON VIDEO) Watch your neighbours turning green When they see your smile and your new-found style She's the package deal queen (LAUGHS) Do 'em a deal Let's go, Sando! Oh, bloody classic.