Sanford and Son (1972) s01e01 Episode Script
Crossed Swords
Mo Mornin' No one could be sweeter Than my sweetie when I meet her In the mornin' Mornin' In the mornin' Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina Hello, Lamont.
I thought I heard you, son.
- Yeah, I heard you too, Liberace.
- Huh? Nothing.
Grab that box of bottles and don't touch what's on the front seat.
- What did I just say? - Don't touch what's on the front seat.
- Then don't touch it.
- Don't touch it! Don't touch it! - Well, what's in it? - You'll see.
Didn't I tell you Never mind.
Well, what's eatin' you? What were you doing in there, man, preparing for another concert tour? You and Fats Domino.
You just go on and on, don't you? Geemonetty.
What a talent.
What a gift.
- All in them ten dirty little fingers.
- What are you talkin' about, huh? I'm talkin' about you sittin' around here all day getting your jollies on that piano while I'm out there in that jungle, slavin' my guts out.
Now, that's what I'm talkin' about.
Go get me the funnel.
- Now, listen - Get the funnel.
I mean, are you runnin' this joint or aren't you? Now, if you done retired, just tell me.
I mean, that's okay.
Just let me know and I'll find you an old folks' home where you can sit around all day playing checkers and eatin' grits.
- You finished? - Yeah, just about.
One of these days, I'm gonna split this joint, man.
I'm gettin' sick and tired of doing all the work, while you play that piano.
Boy, I wasn't playin' that piano.
I was cleaning that piano.
That is the best thing we got, and I want to keep it looking good.
And I do run this joint, and I work just as hard as you do, maybe harder.
- I do.
- Go see if we got any bourbon.
Sortin', arrangin', sellin'.
- Bourbon.
- Coordinate.
That's what I do.
I coordinate here.
I coordinate everything in here.
Oh, wow.
Say, Lamont, what does your old man do? Why, my old man is a coordinator in a junkyard.
I got to get out of here.
This is ridiculous.
Why are you always talkin' about leaving? If you'll just be patient, I'll be gone soon and all this will be yours.
Are you serious? Do you think I gonna stay in this ridiculous business all my life? - I'm going on to bigger things.
- Like what? Like Like shipbuilding.
- Shipbuilding? - Yeah, that's right, shipbuilding.
With what I know about iron and steel, man, I could become a millionaire just like that Greek cat that married Jackie Kennedy.
And you know something? He started out poor, just like me.
Only one difference.
He started out a Greek.
Will you go get the bourbon? You know, boy, one of these days, I won't be around.
I'll be going to join your mother.
- Why don't you stop? - No, that's the way it happens.
The wife dies and the husband follows.
Usually of a broken heart.
I read in the paper the other day: "Wife dies, the mate follows.
" Hey, Pop, now, you know Mama's been dead for 23 years.
Well, sometime it takes a little longer.
And to tell you the truth I'm surprised I've been around this long with this heart.
Yeah, me too.
Now, you been complaining about your heart for as long as I can remember.
Now, they say if you have three heart attacks, you'll die.
Now, Pop, you done had at least 15.
Hey, don't cork that.
Let me have a little taste.
- This is for when we have company.
- Company? We ain't had no company since we've been here.
- Now, give me a little taste of that.
- How do you expect me to build a bar? - I said no.
- Just one little taste.
I said no! Now get out of here! Now you've done it.
You really got me upset.
This is a bad one.
Oh! - Is it a tight feeling on the chest? - Yes.
- Pain in the back and left shoulder? - Yes.
- Dizziness? Sick to your stomach? - Yes.
I guess you're having number 16.
Come out and help me unload this truck.
What luck.
Ungrateful son, lonely existence bad heart, and not one lousy piece of brass.
Say, son, where would you go, I mean, if you did leave? I just told you.
I got plans.
I just can't stand being poor like this.
Poor? You think this is poor? When I was a kid, there was seven of us in the family.
We slept in the same room, same bed, same underwear.
That's poor.
When I was a youngster, I wore one pair of tennis shoes five years.
Wore 'em out up to the name on the ankle.
Do you know them shoes they had called Keds? I wore my till they said "K-S.
" Now, that's poor.
You think you doin' bad? Boy, you're rollin' in the lap of luxury here.
- Hey, what's in there? - Now, just Just keep your hands off this and get back.
This thing is very fragile, and if you make me trip and fall You better not make me trip and fall.
Open that door.
Open the door.
Now get out the way.
Get out the way.
- What's in the box? - Just go over there and sit down.
Now, I'll show you this thing when I'm ready.
Sit.
Sit! Good boy.
I got something I wanna show you.
You ain't seen nothin' like this.
Look at that.
Not a mark on it.
It's perfect.
Don't you touch.
Perfect.
That's what it is.
It's perfect.
It looks like a pretty good piece of china.
China? You can't even tell china from porcelain, Pop.
This is porcelain.
Genuine porcelain.
- So it's porcelain.
- So it's porcelain.
Now, there's the difference right there between a junk dealer, which is you and a collector, which is me.
Now, see, I reads all about this stuff.
Now, china is the common name for all kinds of dishware and that includes crockery.
Now porcelain is of hard paste.
It's white, thin and translucent when held up to the light.
A thing of beauty, class.
That's me.
I am porcelain.
You are crockery.
How would you like one across your lip? You know, you're not too big to get one across your lip.
Okay, Pop, but just look at it.
Now look here underneath.
- You see those crossed swords? - I can't see 'em.
- Well, go get your glasses.
- Wait.
I'll go get my glasses.
I bet I'll see 'em then.
- You see? - No, I can't see it yet.
- You see? - Wait a minute.
I got some here.
- Here's some good ones here.
- You see? Wait a minute.
- You see? - Ah, yeah, I see 'em now.
That's the trademark from some famous company.
That means this thing is valuable.
But if they are real, how'd you get your hands on it? Okay, I'm gonna tell you.
I'm driving along a street in Hollywood.
Cherokee, Vista, I don't remember.
But it's in a neighborhood where a lot of old movie stars live now.
Retired, social security.
Anyway, I'm driving along and I'm looking for a garage sale or a house that's being wrecked.
All of a sudden, there's this woman standing out by the curb messin' around in the trash cans in front of a house.
- White woman? - Yeah.
She's got orange hair.
She's got orange hair, and she's wearing a negligee.
Don't mess around with them, boy.
This negligee was a see-through thing, and she was wearing a pair of mules.
Don't fool around with them, especially if they're wearing mules.
This woman was about 90 years old.
Ain't nothin' on earth uglier than a 90-year-old white woman.
The negligee was kind of torn, see and one of them mules was missing a pom-pom.
Now, I'm sure she was an old movie star.
I mean from the silent flicks.
She had to be in the silents, Pop 'cause she was old, and she had a terrible voice.
"Come here, sonny, I want to show you this piece.
" Yeah, that's the way they talk.
So she called me over, see and she started to telling me about this antique piece that she had.
She said the only reason that she was willing to sell it was that she didn't have no money, you know.
She said all she wanted was ten bucks for it.
I got to thinkin', Pop, that sad old lady, she didn't know.
I didn't have the heart, so I gave her 15 bucks.
What? She asked for 10, and you gave her 15? An old, ugly white woman? You big dummy.
Big dummy? Fifteen dollars for an antique piece? Only way to know if it's not from the dime store is take it back to Hollywood.
They got some shops over there on Western Avenue.
- Western Avenue? - Yeah.
I'm takin' this baby straight to Beverly Hills, man.
One of them classy joints where you really get the prices.
Yeah.
Pop, I got a feelin' about this.
We gonna hit it big this time.
I mean big.
Yes? Oh, I'm sorry.
Deliveries are in the rear.
- Deliveries? Why, you - Wait a minute, Pop.
No, listen! Next thing, he'll be calling us "boy.
" - Let's get on out of here.
- Wait, Pop.
Look, you don't understand.
You see, my partner and I, we've got this item here that we're positive Oh, just show him the thing, Lamont.
Very interesting.
Where did you get this? - What's it to you? - Why do you ask? You think we're thieves? Think we stole it? Give him one, Lamont.
Give him one across his lip.
Now, look, you don't have to worry.
See, I purchased that item from a woman in Hollywood.
If you want her address, I'll be glad to give it to you.
Well, I wouldn't.
I'd be glad to give him one across his lip.
- Cool it.
- Continuously.
Listen, we're businessmen.
I got a truck outside with my name on it.
"Sanford and Son.
" I'm Sanford and this is Son.
You want some identification? Here's some identification for you.
Credit cards.
Sears Roebuck.
Montgomery Ward.
J.
C.
Penney.
Are you kiddin'? Right here.
There's my pastor's name and address and phone number.
You can go by and see the Reverend Trimble.
Here's my card right here: Exalted ruler of the Wild Moose.
Are you kiddin', you want identification? We don't need him.
Let's get out of here.
No, just a moment.
Please, please.
I'm terribly sorry.
We have to ask these questions.
You see, this happens to be a very rare piece of Meissen porcelain.
Probably around 1740.
It could be the work ofJ.
J.
Kaendler, the master modeler of that period.
And they sell for a whole lot of money, right? Yeah, ol'J.
J.
You see, the crossed swords across the bottom are the trademark of the Meissen people.
Oh, yeah, see, the crossed sword, that tell the whole story right there.
Now, I'm prepared to offer you - That's genuine porcelain.
- And that ain't crockery.
- $750.
- $750 for that? - I think it's a fair price.
- $750? Well, perhaps I could stretch it a little.
All right, 850.
- Eight-fifty? We'll take it.
- No.
I don't know now.
I have to discuss this with my partner before we make any definite decisions.
This won't take long.
Listen, if he's willin' to give us how much is it worth on the open market? Do you know what the markup is on that stuff? If he offers us 850, it's got to be worth twice that.
- Maybe two, three thousand dollars.
- If you can get it.
Look, Lamont, you only paid $15 for it.
Let's sell it.
We'll take it! We'll take it! Now, listen, now, it's my It's my piece, I found it, and I'm gonna put it up for auction.
- I just decided.
- But it's half mine.
We partners, ain't we? And I want to sell.
- We'll take it! We'll take it! - Stop it.
Listen to me.
Now, you'll get your share and a lot more if we do it my way.
We gonna to put that thing up for auction.
That's what we gonna do.
I'm awfully sorry to take so long here, but you see, my partner and I we've decided not to sell at this particular time.
- I'm awfully sorry for your time.
- I think you're making a mistake.
I think he's making a mistake too.
I told you, Lamont.
I told you to get the money.
We'll take it! We'll take it! Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention.
We will continue the auction with lot number 695 in your catalog.
That's us.
It is a Meissen pastoral scene byJ.
J.
Kaendler, made in 1743.
May I have $400 it is.
Thank you.
450? 450.
500? Thank you so much.
550.
May I have 7? Will someone say 700? - I don't hear nobody sayin' nothin'.
- They don't.
You gotta watch 'em like hawks.
See, they just makin' signs with their heads and their hands, just little body movements.
Do I hear 700? 700.
May I have 700? You should've took that offer at the store.
You won't get that much here.
- Yes, I will.
- 700.
Will someone say 700? Sev Ah, the gentleman in the rear bids 700.
Thank you so much.
Listen, what you doin', biddin' on your own stuff? That's the way to get the price up.
- 750 in the front.
Thank you so much.
- See? May I have 800? Will someone say 800? Any advance on 800? Thank you so much.
Will someone give me 875? May I 900 it is.
May I have 925? Thank you so much.
975.
Will someone give me 975? May I have 1,000 for this beautifully rendered porcelain? Well, it's up to you, dummy.
Get away from me! We should've been doin' this from the start and you should've been workin' the other side of the room.
You should've took the money the guy offered in the store.
- Just get out of here.
- You big dummy.
J.
J.
Kaendler made in 1743.
Will someone offer me $1,000 for this beautiful Meissen porcelain? $1,000.
1,000 it is.
Will someone give me 1,100? May I have $1,100, please? $1,100.
$1,200.
Do I hear 1,200? May I have 1,300? $1,300.
Will someone offer $1,300? Who will offer me $1,500? Go on.
It's your turn.
- I don't think I want it.
- Why not? That's a great piece.
I don't know that much about antiques, but that's a fine-lookin' piece.
- I won't bid anymore, honest.
- You sure? Positive.
- 1,500 it is.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You see, I kinda got carried away.
Thank you.
The bid is $2,000.
Fair warning.
$2,000 going once, going twice Sold! You numskull.
You bungling, fumbling, clumsy, amateurish numskull.
$2,000.
You bid $2,000 after I got that jerk standing next to me to take it for 1,500.
Sorry, Lamont.
You said that was the way to get the price up, so I got it up.
Well, who asked you, huh? You don't know nothin' about auctions.
What do you know about bidding? Who asked you to get into it? Well, you still got the piece.
You just bought it off yourself.
And what about the ten percent commission they charged me, huh? I had to pay them $200 for the privilege of bringing that thing home again.
Do you know what that does to our saving account, Pop? Well, all I can say is I won't be around to bother you much longer.
Don't start that again.
I mean it.
One of these days, I'll be going to join your mother.
And you'll be on your own.
Old Pop won't be around to spoil things for you.
You'll be free.
You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you, honey Why don't you come off that, you old faker? - Faker? You callin' me a faker? - That's right.
Well, I hope I croak tonight.
Then it'll be on your conscience.
It's all your fault anyway.
I told you to take the money in the store the guy offered.
But no, you had to have more.
More.
Give me more.
You just greedy.
- I don't want to talk about it no more.
- Me either.
I still got this piece, and it's gonna be my one-way ticket outta here.
First thing tomorrow morning, I'm getting out of here.
Well, go ahead.
Who needs you? And take this old piece of junk It slipped.
It slipped right out of my hands.
You know my arthritis.
- It was an accident, honest.
- Bull! You dropped that thing 'cause you knew it was gonna get me out of here.
Now I can't sell it, so I'll have to stay.
That's what you was thinkin'.
Well, you're wrong.
I'm still gettin' out of here, and I'm going right now.
Hey, Lamont, listen.
Wait a minute, boy.
Listen to me.
- What are you doing? - I just told you, I'm leaving.
I should've done it a long time ago.
I'll be around here tomorrow morning to pick up the rest of my stuff.
But what what about my truck? You gonna leave me without my truck? You can't do that to me.
All right.
I'll bring this thing back once I'm settled.
You'll get your old truck.
You satisfied? But it slipped.
Slipped right out of my hand.
Don't you believe me? All I know is that you broke it.
Besides, I'm sick of the nagging and the arguin' and this whole stupid life.
You're holding me back here.
If I stay here, I'll never get married.
I'll never get anywhere.
I'll end up an old, broken-down junk dealer like you.
- I've got to get out of here.
- But we in business together.
We're partners.
You don't wanna break that up, do you? Can't you understand the partnership is over? But if we're not runnin' the business the way you like it - can't we talk about it tomorrow? - It's too late for that.
Listen, listen, son.
Why don't I go inside and fix us some supper? You realize we missed supper? I'll fix us some ham hocks and red beans and some neck bones and rice.
Then we can watch a little television and turn in and tomorrow we can talk about it some more.
I know you got plans.
You got plans.
You oughta see 'em through.
And Lord knows I don't want to stand in your way.
So what'll it be, son? The ham hocks or the neck bones? Hey, Pop, you got my breakfast ready? I don't smell nothing cookin'.
"By the time you read this I will be with your mother in that great junkyard in the sky.
I think it's better this way.
I ain't decided how I'm gonna do it.
I was gonna use that World War I rifle but my arm was too short to point it at myself and pull the trigger.
I think it's better this way.
" Hello, Operator, get me the police.
Quick.
This is an emergency.
Don't do it, Pop.
Please don't do it.
Hello, Police? Listen, I just found a note that my father left me.
What I'm afraid of is that he's gonna do something foolish.
That's right, a suicide note.
His name is Fred Sanford.
What does he look like? He's about five-eight, not too much hair.
And, oh, yeah, did I tell you he's black? Right.
Put that down.
He's black.
What? How much does he weigh? Uh, I'd say about 180.
You creep.
You miserable, old creep.
Now, wait a minute, Lamont.
I said in the note I thought it would be better that way, but if you don't think so, I won't do it.
I thought I heard you, son.
- Yeah, I heard you too, Liberace.
- Huh? Nothing.
Grab that box of bottles and don't touch what's on the front seat.
- What did I just say? - Don't touch what's on the front seat.
- Then don't touch it.
- Don't touch it! Don't touch it! - Well, what's in it? - You'll see.
Didn't I tell you Never mind.
Well, what's eatin' you? What were you doing in there, man, preparing for another concert tour? You and Fats Domino.
You just go on and on, don't you? Geemonetty.
What a talent.
What a gift.
- All in them ten dirty little fingers.
- What are you talkin' about, huh? I'm talkin' about you sittin' around here all day getting your jollies on that piano while I'm out there in that jungle, slavin' my guts out.
Now, that's what I'm talkin' about.
Go get me the funnel.
- Now, listen - Get the funnel.
I mean, are you runnin' this joint or aren't you? Now, if you done retired, just tell me.
I mean, that's okay.
Just let me know and I'll find you an old folks' home where you can sit around all day playing checkers and eatin' grits.
- You finished? - Yeah, just about.
One of these days, I'm gonna split this joint, man.
I'm gettin' sick and tired of doing all the work, while you play that piano.
Boy, I wasn't playin' that piano.
I was cleaning that piano.
That is the best thing we got, and I want to keep it looking good.
And I do run this joint, and I work just as hard as you do, maybe harder.
- I do.
- Go see if we got any bourbon.
Sortin', arrangin', sellin'.
- Bourbon.
- Coordinate.
That's what I do.
I coordinate here.
I coordinate everything in here.
Oh, wow.
Say, Lamont, what does your old man do? Why, my old man is a coordinator in a junkyard.
I got to get out of here.
This is ridiculous.
Why are you always talkin' about leaving? If you'll just be patient, I'll be gone soon and all this will be yours.
Are you serious? Do you think I gonna stay in this ridiculous business all my life? - I'm going on to bigger things.
- Like what? Like Like shipbuilding.
- Shipbuilding? - Yeah, that's right, shipbuilding.
With what I know about iron and steel, man, I could become a millionaire just like that Greek cat that married Jackie Kennedy.
And you know something? He started out poor, just like me.
Only one difference.
He started out a Greek.
Will you go get the bourbon? You know, boy, one of these days, I won't be around.
I'll be going to join your mother.
- Why don't you stop? - No, that's the way it happens.
The wife dies and the husband follows.
Usually of a broken heart.
I read in the paper the other day: "Wife dies, the mate follows.
" Hey, Pop, now, you know Mama's been dead for 23 years.
Well, sometime it takes a little longer.
And to tell you the truth I'm surprised I've been around this long with this heart.
Yeah, me too.
Now, you been complaining about your heart for as long as I can remember.
Now, they say if you have three heart attacks, you'll die.
Now, Pop, you done had at least 15.
Hey, don't cork that.
Let me have a little taste.
- This is for when we have company.
- Company? We ain't had no company since we've been here.
- Now, give me a little taste of that.
- How do you expect me to build a bar? - I said no.
- Just one little taste.
I said no! Now get out of here! Now you've done it.
You really got me upset.
This is a bad one.
Oh! - Is it a tight feeling on the chest? - Yes.
- Pain in the back and left shoulder? - Yes.
- Dizziness? Sick to your stomach? - Yes.
I guess you're having number 16.
Come out and help me unload this truck.
What luck.
Ungrateful son, lonely existence bad heart, and not one lousy piece of brass.
Say, son, where would you go, I mean, if you did leave? I just told you.
I got plans.
I just can't stand being poor like this.
Poor? You think this is poor? When I was a kid, there was seven of us in the family.
We slept in the same room, same bed, same underwear.
That's poor.
When I was a youngster, I wore one pair of tennis shoes five years.
Wore 'em out up to the name on the ankle.
Do you know them shoes they had called Keds? I wore my till they said "K-S.
" Now, that's poor.
You think you doin' bad? Boy, you're rollin' in the lap of luxury here.
- Hey, what's in there? - Now, just Just keep your hands off this and get back.
This thing is very fragile, and if you make me trip and fall You better not make me trip and fall.
Open that door.
Open the door.
Now get out the way.
Get out the way.
- What's in the box? - Just go over there and sit down.
Now, I'll show you this thing when I'm ready.
Sit.
Sit! Good boy.
I got something I wanna show you.
You ain't seen nothin' like this.
Look at that.
Not a mark on it.
It's perfect.
Don't you touch.
Perfect.
That's what it is.
It's perfect.
It looks like a pretty good piece of china.
China? You can't even tell china from porcelain, Pop.
This is porcelain.
Genuine porcelain.
- So it's porcelain.
- So it's porcelain.
Now, there's the difference right there between a junk dealer, which is you and a collector, which is me.
Now, see, I reads all about this stuff.
Now, china is the common name for all kinds of dishware and that includes crockery.
Now porcelain is of hard paste.
It's white, thin and translucent when held up to the light.
A thing of beauty, class.
That's me.
I am porcelain.
You are crockery.
How would you like one across your lip? You know, you're not too big to get one across your lip.
Okay, Pop, but just look at it.
Now look here underneath.
- You see those crossed swords? - I can't see 'em.
- Well, go get your glasses.
- Wait.
I'll go get my glasses.
I bet I'll see 'em then.
- You see? - No, I can't see it yet.
- You see? - Wait a minute.
I got some here.
- Here's some good ones here.
- You see? Wait a minute.
- You see? - Ah, yeah, I see 'em now.
That's the trademark from some famous company.
That means this thing is valuable.
But if they are real, how'd you get your hands on it? Okay, I'm gonna tell you.
I'm driving along a street in Hollywood.
Cherokee, Vista, I don't remember.
But it's in a neighborhood where a lot of old movie stars live now.
Retired, social security.
Anyway, I'm driving along and I'm looking for a garage sale or a house that's being wrecked.
All of a sudden, there's this woman standing out by the curb messin' around in the trash cans in front of a house.
- White woman? - Yeah.
She's got orange hair.
She's got orange hair, and she's wearing a negligee.
Don't mess around with them, boy.
This negligee was a see-through thing, and she was wearing a pair of mules.
Don't fool around with them, especially if they're wearing mules.
This woman was about 90 years old.
Ain't nothin' on earth uglier than a 90-year-old white woman.
The negligee was kind of torn, see and one of them mules was missing a pom-pom.
Now, I'm sure she was an old movie star.
I mean from the silent flicks.
She had to be in the silents, Pop 'cause she was old, and she had a terrible voice.
"Come here, sonny, I want to show you this piece.
" Yeah, that's the way they talk.
So she called me over, see and she started to telling me about this antique piece that she had.
She said the only reason that she was willing to sell it was that she didn't have no money, you know.
She said all she wanted was ten bucks for it.
I got to thinkin', Pop, that sad old lady, she didn't know.
I didn't have the heart, so I gave her 15 bucks.
What? She asked for 10, and you gave her 15? An old, ugly white woman? You big dummy.
Big dummy? Fifteen dollars for an antique piece? Only way to know if it's not from the dime store is take it back to Hollywood.
They got some shops over there on Western Avenue.
- Western Avenue? - Yeah.
I'm takin' this baby straight to Beverly Hills, man.
One of them classy joints where you really get the prices.
Yeah.
Pop, I got a feelin' about this.
We gonna hit it big this time.
I mean big.
Yes? Oh, I'm sorry.
Deliveries are in the rear.
- Deliveries? Why, you - Wait a minute, Pop.
No, listen! Next thing, he'll be calling us "boy.
" - Let's get on out of here.
- Wait, Pop.
Look, you don't understand.
You see, my partner and I, we've got this item here that we're positive Oh, just show him the thing, Lamont.
Very interesting.
Where did you get this? - What's it to you? - Why do you ask? You think we're thieves? Think we stole it? Give him one, Lamont.
Give him one across his lip.
Now, look, you don't have to worry.
See, I purchased that item from a woman in Hollywood.
If you want her address, I'll be glad to give it to you.
Well, I wouldn't.
I'd be glad to give him one across his lip.
- Cool it.
- Continuously.
Listen, we're businessmen.
I got a truck outside with my name on it.
"Sanford and Son.
" I'm Sanford and this is Son.
You want some identification? Here's some identification for you.
Credit cards.
Sears Roebuck.
Montgomery Ward.
J.
C.
Penney.
Are you kiddin'? Right here.
There's my pastor's name and address and phone number.
You can go by and see the Reverend Trimble.
Here's my card right here: Exalted ruler of the Wild Moose.
Are you kiddin', you want identification? We don't need him.
Let's get out of here.
No, just a moment.
Please, please.
I'm terribly sorry.
We have to ask these questions.
You see, this happens to be a very rare piece of Meissen porcelain.
Probably around 1740.
It could be the work ofJ.
J.
Kaendler, the master modeler of that period.
And they sell for a whole lot of money, right? Yeah, ol'J.
J.
You see, the crossed swords across the bottom are the trademark of the Meissen people.
Oh, yeah, see, the crossed sword, that tell the whole story right there.
Now, I'm prepared to offer you - That's genuine porcelain.
- And that ain't crockery.
- $750.
- $750 for that? - I think it's a fair price.
- $750? Well, perhaps I could stretch it a little.
All right, 850.
- Eight-fifty? We'll take it.
- No.
I don't know now.
I have to discuss this with my partner before we make any definite decisions.
This won't take long.
Listen, if he's willin' to give us how much is it worth on the open market? Do you know what the markup is on that stuff? If he offers us 850, it's got to be worth twice that.
- Maybe two, three thousand dollars.
- If you can get it.
Look, Lamont, you only paid $15 for it.
Let's sell it.
We'll take it! We'll take it! Now, listen, now, it's my It's my piece, I found it, and I'm gonna put it up for auction.
- I just decided.
- But it's half mine.
We partners, ain't we? And I want to sell.
- We'll take it! We'll take it! - Stop it.
Listen to me.
Now, you'll get your share and a lot more if we do it my way.
We gonna to put that thing up for auction.
That's what we gonna do.
I'm awfully sorry to take so long here, but you see, my partner and I we've decided not to sell at this particular time.
- I'm awfully sorry for your time.
- I think you're making a mistake.
I think he's making a mistake too.
I told you, Lamont.
I told you to get the money.
We'll take it! We'll take it! Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention.
We will continue the auction with lot number 695 in your catalog.
That's us.
It is a Meissen pastoral scene byJ.
J.
Kaendler, made in 1743.
May I have $400 it is.
Thank you.
450? 450.
500? Thank you so much.
550.
May I have 7? Will someone say 700? - I don't hear nobody sayin' nothin'.
- They don't.
You gotta watch 'em like hawks.
See, they just makin' signs with their heads and their hands, just little body movements.
Do I hear 700? 700.
May I have 700? You should've took that offer at the store.
You won't get that much here.
- Yes, I will.
- 700.
Will someone say 700? Sev Ah, the gentleman in the rear bids 700.
Thank you so much.
Listen, what you doin', biddin' on your own stuff? That's the way to get the price up.
- 750 in the front.
Thank you so much.
- See? May I have 800? Will someone say 800? Any advance on 800? Thank you so much.
Will someone give me 875? May I 900 it is.
May I have 925? Thank you so much.
975.
Will someone give me 975? May I have 1,000 for this beautifully rendered porcelain? Well, it's up to you, dummy.
Get away from me! We should've been doin' this from the start and you should've been workin' the other side of the room.
You should've took the money the guy offered in the store.
- Just get out of here.
- You big dummy.
J.
J.
Kaendler made in 1743.
Will someone offer me $1,000 for this beautiful Meissen porcelain? $1,000.
1,000 it is.
Will someone give me 1,100? May I have $1,100, please? $1,100.
$1,200.
Do I hear 1,200? May I have 1,300? $1,300.
Will someone offer $1,300? Who will offer me $1,500? Go on.
It's your turn.
- I don't think I want it.
- Why not? That's a great piece.
I don't know that much about antiques, but that's a fine-lookin' piece.
- I won't bid anymore, honest.
- You sure? Positive.
- 1,500 it is.
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You see, I kinda got carried away.
Thank you.
The bid is $2,000.
Fair warning.
$2,000 going once, going twice Sold! You numskull.
You bungling, fumbling, clumsy, amateurish numskull.
$2,000.
You bid $2,000 after I got that jerk standing next to me to take it for 1,500.
Sorry, Lamont.
You said that was the way to get the price up, so I got it up.
Well, who asked you, huh? You don't know nothin' about auctions.
What do you know about bidding? Who asked you to get into it? Well, you still got the piece.
You just bought it off yourself.
And what about the ten percent commission they charged me, huh? I had to pay them $200 for the privilege of bringing that thing home again.
Do you know what that does to our saving account, Pop? Well, all I can say is I won't be around to bother you much longer.
Don't start that again.
I mean it.
One of these days, I'll be going to join your mother.
And you'll be on your own.
Old Pop won't be around to spoil things for you.
You'll be free.
You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join you, honey Why don't you come off that, you old faker? - Faker? You callin' me a faker? - That's right.
Well, I hope I croak tonight.
Then it'll be on your conscience.
It's all your fault anyway.
I told you to take the money in the store the guy offered.
But no, you had to have more.
More.
Give me more.
You just greedy.
- I don't want to talk about it no more.
- Me either.
I still got this piece, and it's gonna be my one-way ticket outta here.
First thing tomorrow morning, I'm getting out of here.
Well, go ahead.
Who needs you? And take this old piece of junk It slipped.
It slipped right out of my hands.
You know my arthritis.
- It was an accident, honest.
- Bull! You dropped that thing 'cause you knew it was gonna get me out of here.
Now I can't sell it, so I'll have to stay.
That's what you was thinkin'.
Well, you're wrong.
I'm still gettin' out of here, and I'm going right now.
Hey, Lamont, listen.
Wait a minute, boy.
Listen to me.
- What are you doing? - I just told you, I'm leaving.
I should've done it a long time ago.
I'll be around here tomorrow morning to pick up the rest of my stuff.
But what what about my truck? You gonna leave me without my truck? You can't do that to me.
All right.
I'll bring this thing back once I'm settled.
You'll get your old truck.
You satisfied? But it slipped.
Slipped right out of my hand.
Don't you believe me? All I know is that you broke it.
Besides, I'm sick of the nagging and the arguin' and this whole stupid life.
You're holding me back here.
If I stay here, I'll never get married.
I'll never get anywhere.
I'll end up an old, broken-down junk dealer like you.
- I've got to get out of here.
- But we in business together.
We're partners.
You don't wanna break that up, do you? Can't you understand the partnership is over? But if we're not runnin' the business the way you like it - can't we talk about it tomorrow? - It's too late for that.
Listen, listen, son.
Why don't I go inside and fix us some supper? You realize we missed supper? I'll fix us some ham hocks and red beans and some neck bones and rice.
Then we can watch a little television and turn in and tomorrow we can talk about it some more.
I know you got plans.
You got plans.
You oughta see 'em through.
And Lord knows I don't want to stand in your way.
So what'll it be, son? The ham hocks or the neck bones? Hey, Pop, you got my breakfast ready? I don't smell nothing cookin'.
"By the time you read this I will be with your mother in that great junkyard in the sky.
I think it's better this way.
I ain't decided how I'm gonna do it.
I was gonna use that World War I rifle but my arm was too short to point it at myself and pull the trigger.
I think it's better this way.
" Hello, Operator, get me the police.
Quick.
This is an emergency.
Don't do it, Pop.
Please don't do it.
Hello, Police? Listen, I just found a note that my father left me.
What I'm afraid of is that he's gonna do something foolish.
That's right, a suicide note.
His name is Fred Sanford.
What does he look like? He's about five-eight, not too much hair.
And, oh, yeah, did I tell you he's black? Right.
Put that down.
He's black.
What? How much does he weigh? Uh, I'd say about 180.
You creep.
You miserable, old creep.
Now, wait a minute, Lamont.
I said in the note I thought it would be better that way, but if you don't think so, I won't do it.