Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [instrumental theme music plays.]
[truck beeping.]
- Joel.
- Shh.
No words, my love.
I'm sorry, babe, I'm just not really a "pound one out" kind of gal.
I know, and that's great.
You like romance and lavender candles and a massage with essential oils and a wonderful meal but not too heavy.
You're making fun of me.
No.
I'm only saying that sometimes, maybe even now, - we might try - Humping? Like that rescue dog did to that little girl at the Rite Aid? [alarm beeping.]
[woman.]
Jennifer Lawrence chopped off her hair again.
Everybody hates it like that but she doesn't care.
She's so bold.
I wish I was bold.
Am I bold? No, I'm not.
I'm really upset about the new toaster oven.
I'd like to be 20 percent bolder.
No, more, 80 percent.
No, that's too much.
Look at all the slack in these knobs.
You can't set an accurate temperature.
Yeah, I know, honey.
Did you send them an e-mail? No, I re-read it.
It came across a little crazy.
Well I need a car.
I can't live here anymore without a car.
We're in the middle of freaking nowhere.
- We're not buying you a car.
- You don't need to buy me a car.
Buy Mom a new car, I'll take hers.
Like a normal family.
- I like the Range Rover.
- Ah.
You'd look good in that.
Why don't you love Mom enough to buy her a Range Rover? - [groans.]
Ow.
- Well What? What is it? Are you all right? Yeah, I just have this, like, sharp [groans.]
Here, sit down.
Oh.
[sighs.]
Is Mom dying? - Stop it.
- I don't know, parents die.
I'm not dying, honey.
I probably just ate something.
[sharp breath.]
I'm fine.
See? All better.
- Are you sure? You scared me.
- Yeah, me too.
Makes you think life is short.
You're not getting a car.
Maybe we can hang out after school.
Go to the Tea Garden together.
Why? Because I love you and I don't see you very much.
- I think this is working.
- [car trunk opens.]
- Joel.
- Dan.
Noticed a light on in your den all night.
Oh, okay.
Someone's gonna get in trouble.
[chuckles.]
Just kidding, no one's in trouble.
- Unusual, that's all.
- Dan.
- I had trouble sleeping, so I was up.
- You had trouble sleeping? - Problem? - Dan, leave people alone.
- Cop brain, sorry.
- I'm not a cop, baby.
- LA Sheriff's Department, all the way.
- Mm-hmm.
Dickless over there is a cop.
Morning, puss.
Another day in pretend law enforcement? Have a good day, Dan.
Be safe.
Santa Monica PD.
Shitbirds.
[scoffs.]
Be careful today chasing bad guys, honey bunch.
Oh, that's right, they don't allow pursuits in Santa Monica.
Worried it might hurt somebody's feelings.
- Just trying not to kill civilians, Dan.
- [baby coos.]
We protect and serve, not frame and maim like the sheriff's department.
- Suck me, Rick.
- [chuckles.]
Joel, Sheila.
[car engine starts, revs.]
[tires screeching, engines revving.]
Why do we gotta live between two cops? Why couldn't it be two rival pastry chefs? - I don't know.
- See you at the Petersons'.
Do you have everything you need? - [Abby.]
Yes, Mom.
- I'm just checking.
- Bye, Dad.
- Bye, honey.
Abby.
- You look so pretty today.
- [chuckles.]
Eric worships you.
You're the queen of his spank bank.
Mom, please! [Abby.]
Okay.
Hey, some of us girls are going out tonight.
Drinking, dancing, etcetera.
You wanna come? No, I can't, um, tonight.
- But thank you.
- You're so flustered.
We're not banging dudes.
At least that's what we tell our husbands.
You're funny.
Have a nice day.
[inhaling.]
[telephone rings.]
Sheila Hammond, say hello to Gary West.
Gary was rocking it up in Sacramento.
Now he's all ours.
- Hi, Gary.
Uh, welcome aboard.
- Thank you, Sheila.
I'm very excited to be here.
Sheila works with her husband.
She's the pretty one.
[men chuckling.]
You two gonna sell the Peterson house today? We're gonna try, Carl.
None of this "try" bullshit.
Do it! Oh, you're yelling at me.
The Petersons are nervous.
We cannot lose this goddamn listing.
Well, this is the third time these buyers have been at the house.
- Get an offer! - Mm-hmm.
Get an offer.
- That's what realtors do.
- Okay.
Come on, I'll show you your office.
It's small.
It's nice meeting you.
I'm so sorry you got yelled at.
Same.
I mean, nice meeting you, not sorry I got yelled at.
- Well, actually both.
- [laughs.]
The master has been completely remodeled.
Lots of light and brand-new textured plush carpeting.
- All headed in the same direction.
- [all chuckle.]
It's just lovely.
Do you know what my favorite thing about the upstairs is? - The laundry chute.
- Oh, it's amazing.
It was so [retching.]
- [muffled gasp.]
- Oh, my God.
Wow! Wow.
[moans and sighs.]
[Joel.]
Honey, you okay? I'm sorry.
We are gonna call a crew and immediately get that cleaned up.
[sighs.]
Maybe we should reschedule.
Great idea.
I could run you up to that Cape Cod on Barnhill.
No, please.
I don't wanna make everyone have to come back.
I'm just gonna go use the restroom really quickly, and call the cleaning crew.
I'll be right back, excuse me.
- Okay, other bedrooms.
- Yes, this way.
[Sheila retching, vomit splashing.]
New skylights really open it up, don't you think? [retching and vomiting, faint.]
- I love the crown molding in here.
- Mmm.
[retching and vomiting.]
- Just beautiful.
- Yeah.
[Sheila grunting.]
I wanna leave.
Sheila.
- [knocking.]
- Sheila Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Sheila.
Sheila.
Sheila? Sheila.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Oh! Sheila.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Did we get the offer? - [gasps.]
Oh, what the fuck? I'm okay.
I just threw up.
Like a fair amount.
Yeah.
And that came out of me.
Do you think it's an organ? I really am feeling better, honey.
I wanna get you looked at.
[sighs.]
We've been here over three hours.
I just wanna go home, get out of these clothes and take a bath.
I feel like a bus station shit in my mouth.
[pats his thigh.]
I'll go see what's happening.
Excuse me.
Do not ask me again how long it's gonna be.
This isn't a deli counter.
The most life-threatening conditions have priority.
Your wife threw up.
- A lot.
- Your wife threw up.
- A lot.
- Okay, we're not doing this.
[mutters.]
Hold on.
Gonna call your doctor and make you some soup.
You lost a lot of fluids.
Mmm I'm okay with you smoking pot.
Excuse me? I know I complain about it so you try to hide it, but I just want you to be the Joel you want to be.
- That's - [vehicle approaching.]
- That's really nice, sweetheart.
- [door opens.]
[ajar door alert chiming.]
- Sheila.
- Gary.
This is Gary, the new realtor I was telling you about.
Gary, my husband, Joel.
- Hey, Gary.
- Hi there.
So how are you feeling? I heard about your afternoon.
- Much better, thank you.
- Oh, these are for you.
And I made sure the cleaning crew got in there okay.
They took care of everything so don't worry about that.
- Thank you, Gary.
That is so sweet.
- So sweet.
Well, we'd invite you in, but Don't even think about it.
But listen Joel, can I talk to you a moment? I'm gonna go get cleaned up.
Thanks for the flowers, Gar, and all your help.
No problem.
Feel better.
[house door opens, closes.]
That was a crazy amount of vomit.
Well, I'm not a medical expert, so I can't say what the proper amount of vomit is.
- It was a huge amount.
- Are you a doctor, Gary? - No.
- Neither am I.
So let's not dishonor that profession, which takes eight years of intense training, by thinking we can give medical opinions, okay? Fine, then let's just stick to facts.
The homeowners came by, they didn't like what they saw.
So they don't want to work with you anymore.
They'll be working with me now.
You're stealing our listing? No, the facts are they fired you, then hired me.
And that was an insane amount of vomit.
Everything's good.
Gary just needed some advice.
I helped him out.
I can't feel my heartbeat.
- What? - My heart.
I can't feel it.
[Sheila sighs.]
[sighs.]
I love your hair.
Yeah.
Like that.
Bingo.
[exhales.]
[soft instrumental music on PA.]
[sighs.]
- Can I help you? - What? My manager noticed that you've been staring at the stethoscopes for, like, a really long time.
There's something happening with my wife.
Oh, well, I'm only 20, so Right.
Sorry.
Do you know the difference between the dual-headed stethoscopes and the single-headed ones? Well, dual would be two.
I see.
So twice as many then.
It's not just a physical thing, she's acting different.
I'm gonna get this one.
It doesn't make sense.
My jaw still kinda hurts.
Then stop talking.
I don't hear anything.
- [Joel.]
I know, right? - There's something else.
But no one freak out because I feel fine.
Look.
No blood.
Aah Still, no one freak out.
[thudding.]
Oh, shit.
- [Sheila.]
Is the juice helping? - Uh-huh.
Yep.
[Joel.]
I can cook that meat for you, sweetheart.
I'm fine.
- We should go back to the emergency room.
- No.
I'm sorry.
Look, I know things are very wrong but I feel good.
I have all this energy and, like, a focus.
I can't go to a hospital where they're gonna put me in a tube and prick me and poke me.
They might never let me come home again.
Bad for you because we're having spectacular sex.
Ew.
Ew! Whatever this is, we need to talk to someone because we are not experts.
And this is just the sort of thing the Internet will have a lot of misinformation about.
- [Abby.]
I know someone.
- Who? - A creeper.
- What's a creeper? The kind of a nerd who specializes in disturbing, weird or gruesome shit.
No pupillary response.
Have you noticed any deteriorating flesh? - No? - Blackening of the skin, digits or other pieces falling off? - No.
- Okay.
- Um, have you eaten anyone? - No.
- But I may have thrown up an organ.
- No worries.
- [slurring.]
Hello.
- We already said hello.
From when you came in.
I haven't had this many people in my room before.
- You're doing fine.
- Thank you.
Do you guys want chairs? - We just want to know what's going on.
- Right.
Well she is dead - and also undead.
- What the fuck? I'm sorry.
What are you saying? She's a zombie? I don't like that word, I think it's inherently negative.
- I don't like it either.
- Let's not use it.
I don't feel dead and undead.
I feel the opposite.
Totally alive.
She's been very - exuberant.
- Exuberant? Yeah, they're doing it a lot.
Okay.
Well, one thing we know about the undead is they're completely driven by their id.
The id is a part of the brain that demands us to satisfy our desires.
- I know what the id is.
- It just - wants whatever it wants.
- I sit behind you in Psych.
- I know.
- How could this happen? We're realtors.
Well, most new viruses come from animals, like monkeys or bats.
As humans destroy their habitats, we're exposed to all kinds of unfamiliar diseases.
I mean, we're the real so-called zombies, aren't we? Consuming everything we want without any regard for consequences.
As we destroy the Earth so, too, do we destroy ourselves.
So, then, a bat or a monkey? Maybe.
Anything else we should know? Not that we know anything.
Always keep her fed.
I'm pretty sure we don't want to find out what happens when she's hungry.
And if she starts to show more symptoms, like, uh, deterioration or aggression, you may have to What? [softly.]
Um Bash her brains in.
We're realtors.
Okay, until we know more, we cannot tell anyone about this, especially your mother.
Although it is hard to imagine how she'd blow this out of proportion.
What a beautiful afternoon.
[gasps.]
We should do something.
- Let's buy a Range Rover.
- Fuck yeah.
[Joel.]
No.
We are going home and coming up with a plan.
We need answers.
How'd this happen? How do we fix it? - Has it affected anyone else? - Ooh! Look what I found.
- Don't eat a snail.
- [Abby.]
Oh [crunching.]
- Crunchy.
- Okay.
[car engine revving.]
Oh, crap.
Hey, Dan.
How was work? - Lisa home? - [Joel.]
No, no.
Should be soon, though, I'm guessing.
- Yeah, I don't know her schedule.
- What are you all doing here? What are you all doing here? [forced chuckle.]
That's funny.
- We were just talking to Eric.
- Eric? Why? Because we found a football in our backyard, we thought it might be his.
Eric doesn't own a football or anything else that would make him come outside.
That's exactly what he said, only with less implied criticism, so mystery not solved.
Then, uh, where's the football? - Run.
- Mm-hmm.
- Don't shoot! Don't shoot! - Shoot her! Shoot her! [both laughing.]
We threw it back over the fence.
So, as you would say, "case closed.
" "Shoot her, shoot her.
" Really? You would be a terrible partner in a crime spree.
Uh, it's called self-preservation.
And it's an instinct you should be happy I have.
That is exactly what we don't want.
Now Dan is suspicious.
- What if he asks Eric about it? - Eric won't say anything.
- How do you know? - Because Eric hates his stepdad.
That's sad, I feel bad Eric has a crappy stepdad.
Maybe we should adopt Eric.
Out of the question.
Look, you need to fight this a little.
Be a little less impulsive.
I'm hungry.
And there's no hamburger left.
[moans.]
I'll go get you some food, but then we're coming up with a plan.
- Keep her here.
- All right.
- I'm serious, don't go anywhere.
- All right.
[up-tempo music playing.]
- Whoo! - [Abby cheering.]
You should slow down.
I need you to slow down.
Please slow down.
- Oh! Oh, God! - Whoo-hoo! Faster, faster, faster! [salesman.]
Oh, ohh-ohh! [sighs.]
I got organic, I don't know if that's still important.
Oh.
What happened to your hair? Where's your mom? - Yes! - [all cheering.]
I'm glad you finally decided to join us.
This is fantastic.
From now on, always include me in everything.
I can't believe you just went out and bought yourself a Range Rover.
I've been wanting one ever since this morning.
I think it's great.
You're my new role model.
Yeah, if we want something, we should have it, damn it.
End of story.
I'm gonna get some of those Christian Louboutins.
They're fucking expensive, but fuck it.
[all laughing.]
There's a cute guy at the bar looking at you.
Oh, hello, he is cute.
Do you know him? Oh.
His name is Gary.
He just moved here.
You like him.
Are you two gonna bone? - Lisa.
- What? We decided we shouldn't deny ourselves things, and boning is a thing.
[dance music playing.]
Sheila, let's go home.
- No, honey, I don't want to.
- Yeah.
Come on, let's dance.
Sweetheart, you bought a car, and now you're grinding on the neighbors, and this is not who you are.
Maybe it is.
Maybe it's who I've always wanted to be.
Maybe it's not who you are.
- Honey.
- Is there a problem? Oh, God, not you.
Look, Joel, obviously you're upset, but if Sheila doesn't wanna go with you Shut up, Gary.
- Sheila - Life should be fun, honey.
And I don't care what Consumer Reports says, that car is hot.
She wants to have fun, Joel.
And doesn't care what Consumer Reports says.
I heard her, Gary.
- Sheila? - Then maybe you should go.
You know, 15 years ago, I would have punched you, once.
I might have dropped you.
If not, you would have beaten the hell out of me, 'cause I just had the one move, and you're a substantial man.
But now I have a family, a career, a life.
I'm not gonna be the guy who gets into bar fights.
- You mean loses bar fights.
- You're missing my point.
You don't wanna get into a fight because you're afraid you might lose.
That is exactly wrong.
- The losing is a given.
- Damn straight.
- And it's irrelevant.
- You mean inevitable.
Goddamn it, you're frustrating.
At this point in my life, - I'm not gonna be the kind of person - Who wins a bar fight.
- God fuck, what's the matter with you? - You are.
I'm trying to explain a very simple concept.
You are.
I'm just gonna call this a draw and go home.
Have fun.
Joel, come back.
Hey, I'm sorry for butting in.
I just don't like seeing a woman treated badly.
- It's not gonna work.
- No? Really? How about this? - Oh.
- Hmm.
Oh, my.
[sharp inhale.]
[ratchets and clicks.]
[grunts.]
[dog barking in distance.]
Huh? You happy now, big man? You are.
[soft instrumental music on PA.]
[footsteps approach.]
My manager noticed that you've been staring at the toaster ovens for, like, a really long Oh, it's you.
Hey, do you know which one of these has a knob without any slack? No.
Does it matter? [sighs.]
I thought so.
I really did, but maybe it doesn't.
Maybe I shouldn't care about toaster knobs, or being responsible, or descending into chaos.
Why should I be the only one in my family who gives a crap, right? Who sucks it up? This one's cheaper.
Maybe I want to have fun, drive a fancy car, dance like a sex lunatic, hmm? [rhythmic grunting.]
- You're a good dancer.
- You're missing the point, Ramona.
I don't want to dance.
And I don't want another shitty toaster oven.
I'm outta here.
[gate latch opens.]
Hi.
Gary.
I rang the bell then I saw your car in the driveway, so I'm just gardening.
It relaxes me.
What's up? I just wanted to make sure you were all right.
Because I didn't wanna have sex with you last night? I'm fine.
We were in the middle of dancing and then you just strolled off.
I had a lot on my mind.
I ended up walking around all night.
Checked out a Dumpster behind Chili's.
They throw away a lot of raw meat.
- [chuckles.]
- Whoa, okay.
- How about we start over? - I don't think so.
- Are you sure? - I am.
Are you? I feel like whatever I say is just going to mean you push harder against my vagina.
Okay, I was right.
- Listen, Gary - Shh How about this? We have some fun.
You said you're all about fun.
And I don't say anything to your lame husband.
Or we don't, and I tell him we screwed four times last night in my beamer.
Your unwillingness to take no for an answer has made me feel sexy and desirable.
Hmm? - [chuckling.]
- Uh-huh? Oh.
[sighing.]
- [crunching.]
- Aaah! [muffled grunt.]
[moaning, gasping.]
I know, weirdest foreplay ever.
[grunts, groaning.]
You ate my fingers.
- I do not hate your fingers.
- "Ate," ate my fingers.
Ohh [moaning.]
[munching.]
Sheila? Sheila, we need to talk.
Last night was bullshit.
Sheila! Sheil [gasps.]
Oh, Joel.
[exhales.]
I really want to make this work.
I walked for miles Oh, with my head in my hand Ooh, ooh She ripped my chest wide open Once was a child I'm now surely a man Ooh, ooh She ripped my chest wide open She ripped my chest wide open Oh, she ripped my chest Wide open, yeah We were head over heels I was doing cartwheels No romance, no appeals Just the way my heart feels Wild and fine from New Orleans Tattoo on her thigh Of a fleur-de-lis In a little silk dress That she bought secondhand She'd do a little dance I could see her silhouette Good God I wished to knock that out Rattle the walls In that shotgun house Good Lord, how we used to party hard Half-dead flying home from Mardi Gras The shit we did We should've been arrested Shit, I fell for her Well, I should have guessed it Should have known then That no one can tame that Fire on the Bayou No way to contain that Would've exchanged vows Church with stained glass Now I'm passed out Laid across the train tracks I walked for miles Oh, with my head in my hands Ooh, ooh She ripped my chest wide open Once was a child I'm now surely a man Ooh, ooh She ripped my chest wide open She ripped my chest wide open Oh, she ripped my chest Wide open, yeah Ooh, she ripped my chest Wide open, yeah Ooh, ooh She ripped my chest wide open Yeah, yeah