Schmigadoon! (2021) s01e01 Episode Script
Schmigadoon!
1
[UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Push! Yes! There you go!
- [WOMAN YELLS]
- Okay, give me one more good push!
- [WOMAN YELLS]
You can do it, Holly!
- Tell her she can do it, Ted.
- [HOLLY STRAINS, YELLS]
Okay, Ted says you
can do it, Holly! Yes.
[SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
I usually give it a kick.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Right there.
- [SCOFFS]
I mean, I could do it
for you, if you'd like.
No, I've been doing all my own
kicking since third grade, so
What, so just one kick
and then apparently magic?
Mm-hmm.
[MACHINE CLICKS]
[CHUCKLES]
Josh.
This has been the best year of my life.
I never thought I'd meet someone
I connect with on so many levels.
You make me feel like I have
a champion and a confidant.
I can tell you anything without
judgment, and you always have my back.
I love you. So here's to us.
I feel the same way.
What?
"I feel the same way"?
Yeah. Yeah. Can we clink now?
It's our one-year anniversary.
I guess I was expecting
something a little more special.
Sorry to interrupt. Would you
like to see the dessert tray?
Sure, why not?
Happy anniversary.
No, it's mine.
So, what is the Sacred
Heart Love Trail all about?
Well, six years ago, Joanna and I
took a look around and
we were super bummed.
All these relationships falling apart.
Heartbreak out there on the planet.
So Marv and I created a way
for couples to disconnect from the
world and reconnect with each other.
Before you head out, there's a
couple of items that we've provided.
In your love bags.
The most important is a heart
carved out of sacred Chippewa
stone with your name on it.
We ask that you give this
to your partner every day
and think about what
that really means
- to give your heart to someone.
- I love them.
Feel free to explore, but don't
wander too far from the trail.
There's no cell service
here in the wild,
and we don't want
anyone dying out there.
- [ALL CHUCKLE]
- [BOTH] Right.
Seriously, uh, some
people died last time.
[JOANNA] Most of all,
remember to use this time
as a way to grow your
love for each other.
And don't worry about the clouds.
Weatherman says it'll clear soon
and the rest of the week
is nothing but sunshine.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
- Mel!
- Leave me alone!
All I said was we
should bail on the hike.
I didn't mean us in general.
I just meant the hike!
I mean, come on, we've
been lost for hours,
our phones don't work,
we're wet and miserable,
you're pissed off at me for some reason.
- Oh. "For some reason"?
- Okay.
You lost my heart.
I gave you my heart and you lost it.
Mel, it was a rock.
It was a metaphor.
I imbued it with meaning
when I gave it to you.
Are you sure I didn't
give it back to you?
Check your backpack, 'cause
I'm telling you, I di
Then why do I have your heart?
All right, so so what Do
you want me to go look for it?
Okay, I'll do it. I will
search this whole forest
for that one vaguely heart-shaped
rock. Is that what you want?
Yeah.
Babe, it's a rock.
What is the point of doing this if
you're not gonna put in any effort?
I don't know what the
point of this is at all.
You don't wanna make
our relationship better?
Our relationship is fine.
It's fine.
Why does everything have to be perfect?
Why can't it just be enough?
Okay. Yeah. Keep pretending
nothing's wrong, right?
'Cause it's easier that way.
This is exhausting.
[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]
Wait. What's that?
- Church bells?
- You hear them too?
You sometimes hear church
bells no one else does?
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
[BELLS CONTINUE TOLLING]
[MELISSA] There must be
a town across that bridge.
You see a bridge too?
Oh, we're still doing that?
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Whoa.
That was weird.
It stopped raining.
"Schmigadoon"?
As long as they have a
functioning toilet, I'm in.
[JOSH] And what's with
all the fake plants?
[MELISSA] Maybe they're
conserving water.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[JOSH] Okay
What is this?
[MUSIC STARTS]
And why is music coming from everywhere?
Welcome to our little town ♪
Where friends are all you'll meet ♪
And you will never see a frown ♪
Hey, everyone.
Hey there, Pete.
[ALL] We bet you're prob'ly ♪
Wonderin' what we call ♪
The most beautiful, wonderful ♪
Magical place of all ♪
What What is happening?
It must be something they do for
tourists. Like Colonial Williamsburg.
Schmigadoon ♪
Where the sun shines bright ♪
From July to June ♪
And the air's as sweet as a macaroon ♪
Schmigadoon ♪
Okay, we did not buy tickets. I
repeat, we're not ticket holders.
Stop it. Let them sing.
Schmigadoon ♪
Where it's warm ♪
And safe as a new cocoon ♪
And our hearts all glow ♪
Like a harvest moon ♪
Schmigadoon ♪
Schmigadoon ♪
[TOWNSMEN] Where the men are men ♪
And the cows are cows ♪
[TOWNSWOMEN] And the farmers smile ♪
As they push their plows ♪
[ALL] And the trees are tall ♪
And we call it Schmigadoon ♪
Come on, it's charming.
Charming? It's Wicker Man.
Our schoolmarm is Emma Tate ♪
She helps our kids to punctuate ♪
Still unmarried at 28 ♪
[CHORUS] In Schmigadoon ♪
[TOWNSMEN] Farmer McDonough
craved a son ♪
But he had daughters, every one ♪
Touch 'em and you'll
answer to my gun ♪
- [CHORUS] In Schmigadoon ♪
- [GUN FIRES]
- Ow!
- Sorry, Pete!
[CHORUS] Larry Bean
puts out our fires ♪
Helen Pritt conducts the choirs ♪
Doc is here to cure what ails ♪
And I am here in case he fails ♪
He is here in case he fails ♪
Is Pete okay?
[CHORUS] Henry Brown brings our ice ♪
Madam Vina gives advice ♪
In that shack is Buford Riggs ♪
I do unspeakable things to pigs ♪
[CHORUS] He does
unspeakable things to pigs ♪
[LISPING] It's the mayor!
This is never gonna end.
Shh. It's the mayor.
As mayor of Schmigadoon ♪
I feel that I must stress ♪
Our motto is ♪
"We always strive ♪
For peace and happiness" ♪
[ALL] Our motto is ♪
"We always strive ♪
For peace and happiness" ♪
But ♪
It's Mrs. Layton.
If Schmigadoon is to endure ♪
It must be kept pristine and pure ♪
This land on which our fathers trod ♪
Must ever obey the laws of God ♪
Everybody!
Schmigadoon! ♪
Where the church bells ring ♪
Every day at noon ♪
And the Wells Fargo wagon ♪
Brought my new harpoon ♪
- [CHORUS] Schmigadoon ♪
- [HARPOON FIRES]
- Ow!
- Sorry, Pete.
[TOWNSMEN] Where a man can dream ♪
Dreams so big and wide ♪
[TOWNSWOMEN] And a gal can be there ♪
Right by his side ♪
[ALL] And there's hope for all ♪
Whether great or small ♪
There's no folderol ♪
Bring your parasol ♪
And we call it ♪
Schmiga ♪
Schmiga, Schmiga ♪
Schmiga, Schmiga ♪
S-C-H-M-I-G-A-D-O-O-Ohhh! ♪
Schmigadoon! ♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
Yay! You guys did that!
- Can we please go now?
- Already?
You know how much I hate musicals.
People don't just burst
into song in real life.
Well, you seem okay with magical hammers
that come back when you call them.
That's totally different.
Thor is the god of thunder, and of
course Mjollnir comes
back when he calls.
- Howdy, folks.
- [JOSH] Oh, no.
Please do not make me
interact with the performers.
You know how much I hate
the [LOUDLY] Hey! Mr. Mayor.
Welcome to Schmigadoon.
Mayor Aloysius Menlove at your service.
And this is my wife, Florence.
Here, have a button.
I'm running unopposed again.
[BOTH] But who doesn't love buttons?
- I'm Melissa. This is Josh.
- Pleased to meet you.
You'll be staying at the
Schmigadoon Inn, of course.
Oh, you'll love it. Aloysius and
I stayed there on our honeymoon.
Although we didn't get
much sleep that night
on account of all the roosters out back.
- I see.
- Actually, we were just headed out, so
You know, we've been sleeping
on the ground for days,
so why would we pass up an actual bed?
That settles it then.
Carson. Run down to the inn
and tell Harvey we have two
very special guests checking in.
[LISPING] Yes, sir, Mr. Mayor.
Well, what an unusual and exotic
couple the two of you make.
No wedding rings, I see.
- Oh, no, we're not married.
- Definitely not.
- Really?
- What?
Anyhoo, I'm Mildred Layton,
and this is my husband,
the Reverend Layton.
Shoulders back, Howard,
like you have a purpose.
Well, I hope you folks
can stay till Sunday.
Would love to see you in the
congregation, it'd be real special.
Oh, I can promise you we'll
be long gone before then.
- So, where's this inn?
- Ah, right this way.
Hey. Be nice. They're trying.
And it's kind of modern.
I mean, you saw the ensemble.
It's color-blind casting.
Yeah, but I also get the feeling
the preacher's wife doesn't
like our color-blind casting.
What do you say, little lady?
Want the thrill of a lifetime?
Ooh
First ride's on me.
You just keep your
distance, Danny Bailey.
This town would be a far more decent
place without the likes of you.
Now, Mrs. Layton, you don't mean that.
Oh, yes, I do.
You're nothing but a
scoundrel, a rapscallion,
and, pardon my Jewish, a no-goodnik.
Go ahead, the inn's right over there.
Don't waste any more of your
time with this carnival trash.
Yeah, looks like the town
bad boy has a thing for you.
- Guess I'm gonna have to kick his ass.
- Oh, that I'd like to see.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
You must be the visitors
everyone's talking about.
- Suppose you're looking for a room.
- Two rooms.
They're not married, Harvey.
And I'm sure you're well aware of
the town rules regarding such things.
Yes. Yes, of of course, Mrs. Layton.
Uh, two rooms.
Okay, I get it.
You're the preacher's wife,
and we're living in sin.
It's like, "Oh, we're going to hell!"
[CHUCKLES] Just the one room, please.
Uh, sorry, sir. Town
policy is town policy.
Okay, listen, Harvey the Innkeeper.
I'm tired and frankly
not up for playing along
- with your little show
- Josh, don't waste the energy.
It's one night. We'll
take the two rooms.
Wonderful. That'll be a dollar.
Fine. Yeah. Um [CLEARS THROAT] Okay.
Here's a dollar for two rooms.
Thank you, kindly.
This is ridiculous.
Yeah, so to clarify, you're mad
because two rooms only cost a dollar?
No, I'm just
I'm not interested in pretending
we're in the olden days right now.
Okay, I don't wanna tell
you how to feel about this,
but can you feel different?
I just wanna get a freaking
room with my girlfriend
where there's Wi-Fi and I can
check the score of the Yankees game
and read my email.
Sorry, sir. Mail wagon won't
be here until next week.
- I hate you.
- Okay.
[MELISSA STAMMERS]
You guys really are so great.
Okay, granted, this
place is a little insane.
Thank you. It is important to me
that we can hate things together.
I know, sweetie. Me too.
Look, I'm sorry that I
overreacted to all this.
I just wish all these people
would die. Is that wrong?
- All right.
- [JOSH SIGHS]
Ooh. Hey. You know what I wanna do?
I'm gonna take a long, hot shower,
and then maybe go on the Tunnel of Love.
- Really?
- I know, it's corny,
but what else is there to do, right?
It might be kind of romantic.
You got it. I'll pick you up at 7:00.
- I'll be waiting.
- Oh?
And hey, um, you know, just
'cause we have two rooms
doesn't mean we gotta use two rooms.
- Oh. Mm-hmm.
- You know what I'm thinking?
[MILDRED CLEARS THROAT]
I hate this place.
- I'll see you at 7:00.
- Can't wait.
Josh?
Josh.
[SNORES]
Evening, miss.
Evening, mister.
I don't believe we were
properly introduced.
The name's Danny.
- Danny Bailey.
- Ah, yes, the rapscallion.
I'm Melissa. Gimble.
It's beautiful here at night.
It's not alone.
Offer's still open.
First ride's on me. Second one too.
Oh, no, I'm just here to look around.
You're a funny kid.
Wow, look at all the blossoms.
Happens a lot this time of year.
Whenever the wind blows.
So. You have a feller?
Yes, I have a feller.
And he's okay with you
walking on your own at night,
talking with strange men?
Well He's
What's the question again?
Wait a minute. What
are you trying to do?
Are you trying to get
me to fall for you?
What? No.
Then why do those crazy kind of
thoughts keep running through my head?
- Uh Oh, I don't really
- Well, you can forget it.
Because no woman is gonna
tie Danny Bailey down, no how.
Sure.
When a squirrel wants
another squirrel ♪
He don't bother to get attached ♪
Oh, I get a private show.
And a robin don't think ♪
About the future ♪
When he's got an itch
to be scratched ♪
You're very good.
I'm like an animal in the wild ♪
So here's a truth to which ♪
You must be reconciled ♪
Need a better agent. [CHUCKLES]
You can't tame me ♪
This buck was meant to be free ♪
A cowgirl on the range in El Paso ♪
Smiled at me and got out her lasso ♪
And that's when I put on the gas ♪
Oh, you can't tame me ♪
You can't tame me ♪
I'm like the wind on the sea ♪
A music teacher named Annabella ♪
Tried her best to make me her fella ♪
But I choose to live a cappella ♪
You can't tame me ♪
It's true ♪
But if anyone could ♪
It'd be someone like you ♪
Oh, I don't dance. I mean,
I took like a year of tap
Shh. Let's let our
bodies do the talking.
Oh, well our mouths are technically
part of our bodies, so
And somehow I can see ♪
Just exactly how it'd be ♪
In a cozy little cottage ♪
With a white picket fence ♪
And a tractor that
always needs fixin' ♪
And beamin' with pride ♪
Is the prettiest bride ♪
This side of the Mason-Dixon ♪
We'd have a kid ♪
Or two or three ♪
Two girls for you ♪
And two boys for me ♪
Shouldn't all the
kids be for both of us?
And the two of us'd ♪
Share one heart ♪
Till someday we'd die one day apart ♪
But that'll never be.
'Cause you can't tame ♪
Me ♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
Great. Bravo.
That was a very handsome song.
What song?
The one you were just singing to me.
Singing?
Okay.
It's late. Uh, I'm tired.
It's getting weird.
So, thank you and good night.
[ROOSTER CROWS]
Sorry about last night.
I seriously didn't mean to fall asleep.
But to make it up to you,
today we can do that Tunnel of
Love ride as many times as you want.
Yeah, I'm good. I'm really hungry.
Can we order? Waitress!
Good morning. How we doing today?
Sleep well last night?
Yes, uh, Betsy. Slept like a log.
Oh, my gosh, "like a log"?
That is hilarious,
'cause logs don't sleep.
- You're so funny!
- [STAMMERS]
- I'm not that funny.
- He's really not.
- Could we maybe order something?
- Sure.
You are actually in luck, because today
we have our world-famous corn puddin'.
Corn puddin'? What's that?
What?
Are you trying to tell me that
you've never heard of corn puddin'?
- She's never heard of corn puddin'!
- [TOWNSFOLK GASP]
Oh, no. It's a song. You
just started another song.
Corn puddin' Corn puddin' ♪
Corn puddin', corn puddin' ♪
Corn puddin', corn puddin' ♪
Can we opt out of this?
[TOWNSMEN] My gal loves corn puddin' ♪
She eats it constantly ♪
Sometimes I get to wonderin' ♪
Does she love it more than me? ♪
[ALL] Does she love it more than me? ♪
[TOWNSWOMEN] My guy
loves corn puddin' ♪
I've got the recipe ♪
So if he wants my puddin' ♪
He'll have to marry me ♪
[ALL] Oh, he'll have to marry me ♪
You put the corn in the puddin' ♪
And the puddin' in the bowl ♪
You put the bowl in your belly ♪
'Cause it's good for the soul ♪
You put the corn in the puddin' ♪
And the puddin' in the bowl ♪
You put the bowl in your belly ♪
'Cause it's good for the soul ♪
Who wants corn puddin'? ♪
We want corn puddin' ♪
Who wants corn puddin'? ♪
[CHORUS] We want corn puddin' ♪
- W what?
- Oh, I think they want us to take a verse.
I'm not singing, and you're not singing.
Come on, could be fun.
No. Do not.
Never had corn puddin' ♪
Why?
And it may be a waste ♪
But if you've got some extry ♪
"Extry"?
I sure would like a taste ♪
Oh, she sure would like a taste ♪
Corn, corn, corn, corn, corn ♪
Puddin'! ♪
Yum! ♪
Yum!
Ooh, that was so weird.
It was like as soon as I started
singing, I knew what to say.
That's fantastic. Can we please go now?
- What? Why?
- Are you serious?
The entire town and you just
spent the last five minutes
singing about corn pudding.
Did somebody say, "corn puddin'"?
- That's it, we're leaving.
- [SONG RESTARTS]
- Okay, well that one's on you.
- [CHORUS REPEATING] 'Corn puddin' ♪
I just feel bad, you know?
Everybody was so nice. We
didn't even say goodbye.
And risk starting another song?
They'll be fine.
What?
Wait a minute.
What is going on?
- It's like we can't leave.
- [JOSH] Well, of course we can leave.
Okay, this is freaky.
It's like it's magic or
- It's not magic.
- Well, then what is it?
I don't know. It's like a
trick bridge or something.
A trick bridge? What would that even be?
It would be this, okay?
I'm gonna try something.
This cannot be happening.
What's going on, Josh? What is this?
[MAN LAUGHS]
Once ye have entered Schmigadoon ♪
'Tis true ye won't be leaving soon ♪
Within its borders ye are bound ♪
Until at last true love ye've found ♪
But till ye find it, ye must stay ♪
Where life's a musical every day ♪
Was that a leprechaun?
Yes.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
He He said something.
What did he say?
I don't know.
I was more focused on how he
was shattering my whole construct
of what's real and
not real in the world,
because he was a freaking leprechaun.
"Life's a musical every day."
This isn't some tourist attraction.
This is a musical.
We're in an actual musical.
Oh, please, God, no.
But he said we're only here till
we've found true love, which
I love you. Do you love me?
What? Yes, of course.
So let's try the bridge again,
now that we know the rules.
Yes. Now we know.
- I love you.
- Oh.
I love you too.
You hear that, Mr. Leprechaun?
We're in love.
[SWEEPING MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC FADES]
Welcome to our little town ♪
Where friends are all you'll meet ♪
And you will never see a frown ♪
- Hey, everyone.
- [ALL] Hey there, Pete.
We bet you're prob'ly ♪
Wonderin' what we call ♪
The most beautiful, wonderful ♪
Magical place of all ♪
Schmigadoon ♪
Where the sun shines bright ♪
From July to June ♪
And the air's as sweet as a macaroon ♪
Schmigadoon ♪
Schmigadoon ♪
Where a man can dream ♪
Dreams so big and wide ♪
And a gal can be there ♪
Right by his side ♪
And there's hope for all ♪
Whether great or small ♪
There's no folderol ♪
Bring your parasol ♪
And we call it ♪
Schmiga ♪
Schmiga, Schmiga ♪
Schmiga, Schmiga ♪
S-C-H-M-I-G-A-D-O-O-Ohhh! ♪
Schmigadoon! ♪
[UPBEAT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]
- Push! Yes! There you go!
- [WOMAN YELLS]
- Okay, give me one more good push!
- [WOMAN YELLS]
You can do it, Holly!
- Tell her she can do it, Ted.
- [HOLLY STRAINS, YELLS]
Okay, Ted says you
can do it, Holly! Yes.
[SIGHS]
[GRUNTS]
I usually give it a kick.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
- Right there.
- [SCOFFS]
I mean, I could do it
for you, if you'd like.
No, I've been doing all my own
kicking since third grade, so
What, so just one kick
and then apparently magic?
Mm-hmm.
[MACHINE CLICKS]
[CHUCKLES]
Josh.
This has been the best year of my life.
I never thought I'd meet someone
I connect with on so many levels.
You make me feel like I have
a champion and a confidant.
I can tell you anything without
judgment, and you always have my back.
I love you. So here's to us.
I feel the same way.
What?
"I feel the same way"?
Yeah. Yeah. Can we clink now?
It's our one-year anniversary.
I guess I was expecting
something a little more special.
Sorry to interrupt. Would you
like to see the dessert tray?
Sure, why not?
Happy anniversary.
No, it's mine.
So, what is the Sacred
Heart Love Trail all about?
Well, six years ago, Joanna and I
took a look around and
we were super bummed.
All these relationships falling apart.
Heartbreak out there on the planet.
So Marv and I created a way
for couples to disconnect from the
world and reconnect with each other.
Before you head out, there's a
couple of items that we've provided.
In your love bags.
The most important is a heart
carved out of sacred Chippewa
stone with your name on it.
We ask that you give this
to your partner every day
and think about what
that really means
- to give your heart to someone.
- I love them.
Feel free to explore, but don't
wander too far from the trail.
There's no cell service
here in the wild,
and we don't want
anyone dying out there.
- [ALL CHUCKLE]
- [BOTH] Right.
Seriously, uh, some
people died last time.
[JOANNA] Most of all,
remember to use this time
as a way to grow your
love for each other.
And don't worry about the clouds.
Weatherman says it'll clear soon
and the rest of the week
is nothing but sunshine.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
- Mel!
- Leave me alone!
All I said was we
should bail on the hike.
I didn't mean us in general.
I just meant the hike!
I mean, come on, we've
been lost for hours,
our phones don't work,
we're wet and miserable,
you're pissed off at me for some reason.
- Oh. "For some reason"?
- Okay.
You lost my heart.
I gave you my heart and you lost it.
Mel, it was a rock.
It was a metaphor.
I imbued it with meaning
when I gave it to you.
Are you sure I didn't
give it back to you?
Check your backpack, 'cause
I'm telling you, I di
Then why do I have your heart?
All right, so so what Do
you want me to go look for it?
Okay, I'll do it. I will
search this whole forest
for that one vaguely heart-shaped
rock. Is that what you want?
Yeah.
Babe, it's a rock.
What is the point of doing this if
you're not gonna put in any effort?
I don't know what the
point of this is at all.
You don't wanna make
our relationship better?
Our relationship is fine.
It's fine.
Why does everything have to be perfect?
Why can't it just be enough?
Okay. Yeah. Keep pretending
nothing's wrong, right?
'Cause it's easier that way.
This is exhausting.
[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]
Wait. What's that?
- Church bells?
- You hear them too?
You sometimes hear church
bells no one else does?
[LAUGHS MOCKINGLY]
[BELLS CONTINUE TOLLING]
[MELISSA] There must be
a town across that bridge.
You see a bridge too?
Oh, we're still doing that?
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
Whoa.
That was weird.
It stopped raining.
"Schmigadoon"?
As long as they have a
functioning toilet, I'm in.
[JOSH] And what's with
all the fake plants?
[MELISSA] Maybe they're
conserving water.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
[JOSH] Okay
What is this?
[MUSIC STARTS]
And why is music coming from everywhere?
Welcome to our little town ♪
Where friends are all you'll meet ♪
And you will never see a frown ♪
Hey, everyone.
Hey there, Pete.
[ALL] We bet you're prob'ly ♪
Wonderin' what we call ♪
The most beautiful, wonderful ♪
Magical place of all ♪
What What is happening?
It must be something they do for
tourists. Like Colonial Williamsburg.
Schmigadoon ♪
Where the sun shines bright ♪
From July to June ♪
And the air's as sweet as a macaroon ♪
Schmigadoon ♪
Okay, we did not buy tickets. I
repeat, we're not ticket holders.
Stop it. Let them sing.
Schmigadoon ♪
Where it's warm ♪
And safe as a new cocoon ♪
And our hearts all glow ♪
Like a harvest moon ♪
Schmigadoon ♪
Schmigadoon ♪
[TOWNSMEN] Where the men are men ♪
And the cows are cows ♪
[TOWNSWOMEN] And the farmers smile ♪
As they push their plows ♪
[ALL] And the trees are tall ♪
And we call it Schmigadoon ♪
Come on, it's charming.
Charming? It's Wicker Man.
Our schoolmarm is Emma Tate ♪
She helps our kids to punctuate ♪
Still unmarried at 28 ♪
[CHORUS] In Schmigadoon ♪
[TOWNSMEN] Farmer McDonough
craved a son ♪
But he had daughters, every one ♪
Touch 'em and you'll
answer to my gun ♪
- [CHORUS] In Schmigadoon ♪
- [GUN FIRES]
- Ow!
- Sorry, Pete!
[CHORUS] Larry Bean
puts out our fires ♪
Helen Pritt conducts the choirs ♪
Doc is here to cure what ails ♪
And I am here in case he fails ♪
He is here in case he fails ♪
Is Pete okay?
[CHORUS] Henry Brown brings our ice ♪
Madam Vina gives advice ♪
In that shack is Buford Riggs ♪
I do unspeakable things to pigs ♪
[CHORUS] He does
unspeakable things to pigs ♪
[LISPING] It's the mayor!
This is never gonna end.
Shh. It's the mayor.
As mayor of Schmigadoon ♪
I feel that I must stress ♪
Our motto is ♪
"We always strive ♪
For peace and happiness" ♪
[ALL] Our motto is ♪
"We always strive ♪
For peace and happiness" ♪
But ♪
It's Mrs. Layton.
If Schmigadoon is to endure ♪
It must be kept pristine and pure ♪
This land on which our fathers trod ♪
Must ever obey the laws of God ♪
Everybody!
Schmigadoon! ♪
Where the church bells ring ♪
Every day at noon ♪
And the Wells Fargo wagon ♪
Brought my new harpoon ♪
- [CHORUS] Schmigadoon ♪
- [HARPOON FIRES]
- Ow!
- Sorry, Pete.
[TOWNSMEN] Where a man can dream ♪
Dreams so big and wide ♪
[TOWNSWOMEN] And a gal can be there ♪
Right by his side ♪
[ALL] And there's hope for all ♪
Whether great or small ♪
There's no folderol ♪
Bring your parasol ♪
And we call it ♪
Schmiga ♪
Schmiga, Schmiga ♪
Schmiga, Schmiga ♪
S-C-H-M-I-G-A-D-O-O-Ohhh! ♪
Schmigadoon! ♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
Whoo! Whoo-hoo!
Yay! You guys did that!
- Can we please go now?
- Already?
You know how much I hate musicals.
People don't just burst
into song in real life.
Well, you seem okay with magical hammers
that come back when you call them.
That's totally different.
Thor is the god of thunder, and of
course Mjollnir comes
back when he calls.
- Howdy, folks.
- [JOSH] Oh, no.
Please do not make me
interact with the performers.
You know how much I hate
the [LOUDLY] Hey! Mr. Mayor.
Welcome to Schmigadoon.
Mayor Aloysius Menlove at your service.
And this is my wife, Florence.
Here, have a button.
I'm running unopposed again.
[BOTH] But who doesn't love buttons?
- I'm Melissa. This is Josh.
- Pleased to meet you.
You'll be staying at the
Schmigadoon Inn, of course.
Oh, you'll love it. Aloysius and
I stayed there on our honeymoon.
Although we didn't get
much sleep that night
on account of all the roosters out back.
- I see.
- Actually, we were just headed out, so
You know, we've been sleeping
on the ground for days,
so why would we pass up an actual bed?
That settles it then.
Carson. Run down to the inn
and tell Harvey we have two
very special guests checking in.
[LISPING] Yes, sir, Mr. Mayor.
Well, what an unusual and exotic
couple the two of you make.
No wedding rings, I see.
- Oh, no, we're not married.
- Definitely not.
- Really?
- What?
Anyhoo, I'm Mildred Layton,
and this is my husband,
the Reverend Layton.
Shoulders back, Howard,
like you have a purpose.
Well, I hope you folks
can stay till Sunday.
Would love to see you in the
congregation, it'd be real special.
Oh, I can promise you we'll
be long gone before then.
- So, where's this inn?
- Ah, right this way.
Hey. Be nice. They're trying.
And it's kind of modern.
I mean, you saw the ensemble.
It's color-blind casting.
Yeah, but I also get the feeling
the preacher's wife doesn't
like our color-blind casting.
What do you say, little lady?
Want the thrill of a lifetime?
Ooh
First ride's on me.
You just keep your
distance, Danny Bailey.
This town would be a far more decent
place without the likes of you.
Now, Mrs. Layton, you don't mean that.
Oh, yes, I do.
You're nothing but a
scoundrel, a rapscallion,
and, pardon my Jewish, a no-goodnik.
Go ahead, the inn's right over there.
Don't waste any more of your
time with this carnival trash.
Yeah, looks like the town
bad boy has a thing for you.
- Guess I'm gonna have to kick his ass.
- Oh, that I'd like to see.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
You must be the visitors
everyone's talking about.
- Suppose you're looking for a room.
- Two rooms.
They're not married, Harvey.
And I'm sure you're well aware of
the town rules regarding such things.
Yes. Yes, of of course, Mrs. Layton.
Uh, two rooms.
Okay, I get it.
You're the preacher's wife,
and we're living in sin.
It's like, "Oh, we're going to hell!"
[CHUCKLES] Just the one room, please.
Uh, sorry, sir. Town
policy is town policy.
Okay, listen, Harvey the Innkeeper.
I'm tired and frankly
not up for playing along
- with your little show
- Josh, don't waste the energy.
It's one night. We'll
take the two rooms.
Wonderful. That'll be a dollar.
Fine. Yeah. Um [CLEARS THROAT] Okay.
Here's a dollar for two rooms.
Thank you, kindly.
This is ridiculous.
Yeah, so to clarify, you're mad
because two rooms only cost a dollar?
No, I'm just
I'm not interested in pretending
we're in the olden days right now.
Okay, I don't wanna tell
you how to feel about this,
but can you feel different?
I just wanna get a freaking
room with my girlfriend
where there's Wi-Fi and I can
check the score of the Yankees game
and read my email.
Sorry, sir. Mail wagon won't
be here until next week.
- I hate you.
- Okay.
[MELISSA STAMMERS]
You guys really are so great.
Okay, granted, this
place is a little insane.
Thank you. It is important to me
that we can hate things together.
I know, sweetie. Me too.
Look, I'm sorry that I
overreacted to all this.
I just wish all these people
would die. Is that wrong?
- All right.
- [JOSH SIGHS]
Ooh. Hey. You know what I wanna do?
I'm gonna take a long, hot shower,
and then maybe go on the Tunnel of Love.
- Really?
- I know, it's corny,
but what else is there to do, right?
It might be kind of romantic.
You got it. I'll pick you up at 7:00.
- I'll be waiting.
- Oh?
And hey, um, you know, just
'cause we have two rooms
doesn't mean we gotta use two rooms.
- Oh. Mm-hmm.
- You know what I'm thinking?
[MILDRED CLEARS THROAT]
I hate this place.
- I'll see you at 7:00.
- Can't wait.
Josh?
Josh.
[SNORES]
Evening, miss.
Evening, mister.
I don't believe we were
properly introduced.
The name's Danny.
- Danny Bailey.
- Ah, yes, the rapscallion.
I'm Melissa. Gimble.
It's beautiful here at night.
It's not alone.
Offer's still open.
First ride's on me. Second one too.
Oh, no, I'm just here to look around.
You're a funny kid.
Wow, look at all the blossoms.
Happens a lot this time of year.
Whenever the wind blows.
So. You have a feller?
Yes, I have a feller.
And he's okay with you
walking on your own at night,
talking with strange men?
Well He's
What's the question again?
Wait a minute. What
are you trying to do?
Are you trying to get
me to fall for you?
What? No.
Then why do those crazy kind of
thoughts keep running through my head?
- Uh Oh, I don't really
- Well, you can forget it.
Because no woman is gonna
tie Danny Bailey down, no how.
Sure.
When a squirrel wants
another squirrel ♪
He don't bother to get attached ♪
Oh, I get a private show.
And a robin don't think ♪
About the future ♪
When he's got an itch
to be scratched ♪
You're very good.
I'm like an animal in the wild ♪
So here's a truth to which ♪
You must be reconciled ♪
Need a better agent. [CHUCKLES]
You can't tame me ♪
This buck was meant to be free ♪
A cowgirl on the range in El Paso ♪
Smiled at me and got out her lasso ♪
And that's when I put on the gas ♪
Oh, you can't tame me ♪
You can't tame me ♪
I'm like the wind on the sea ♪
A music teacher named Annabella ♪
Tried her best to make me her fella ♪
But I choose to live a cappella ♪
You can't tame me ♪
It's true ♪
But if anyone could ♪
It'd be someone like you ♪
Oh, I don't dance. I mean,
I took like a year of tap
Shh. Let's let our
bodies do the talking.
Oh, well our mouths are technically
part of our bodies, so
And somehow I can see ♪
Just exactly how it'd be ♪
In a cozy little cottage ♪
With a white picket fence ♪
And a tractor that
always needs fixin' ♪
And beamin' with pride ♪
Is the prettiest bride ♪
This side of the Mason-Dixon ♪
We'd have a kid ♪
Or two or three ♪
Two girls for you ♪
And two boys for me ♪
Shouldn't all the
kids be for both of us?
And the two of us'd ♪
Share one heart ♪
Till someday we'd die one day apart ♪
But that'll never be.
'Cause you can't tame ♪
Me ♪
[MUSIC ENDS]
Great. Bravo.
That was a very handsome song.
What song?
The one you were just singing to me.
Singing?
Okay.
It's late. Uh, I'm tired.
It's getting weird.
So, thank you and good night.
[ROOSTER CROWS]
Sorry about last night.
I seriously didn't mean to fall asleep.
But to make it up to you,
today we can do that Tunnel of
Love ride as many times as you want.
Yeah, I'm good. I'm really hungry.
Can we order? Waitress!
Good morning. How we doing today?
Sleep well last night?
Yes, uh, Betsy. Slept like a log.
Oh, my gosh, "like a log"?
That is hilarious,
'cause logs don't sleep.
- You're so funny!
- [STAMMERS]
- I'm not that funny.
- He's really not.
- Could we maybe order something?
- Sure.
You are actually in luck, because today
we have our world-famous corn puddin'.
Corn puddin'? What's that?
What?
Are you trying to tell me that
you've never heard of corn puddin'?
- She's never heard of corn puddin'!
- [TOWNSFOLK GASP]
Oh, no. It's a song. You
just started another song.
Corn puddin' Corn puddin' ♪
Corn puddin', corn puddin' ♪
Corn puddin', corn puddin' ♪
Can we opt out of this?
[TOWNSMEN] My gal loves corn puddin' ♪
She eats it constantly ♪
Sometimes I get to wonderin' ♪
Does she love it more than me? ♪
[ALL] Does she love it more than me? ♪
[TOWNSWOMEN] My guy
loves corn puddin' ♪
I've got the recipe ♪
So if he wants my puddin' ♪
He'll have to marry me ♪
[ALL] Oh, he'll have to marry me ♪
You put the corn in the puddin' ♪
And the puddin' in the bowl ♪
You put the bowl in your belly ♪
'Cause it's good for the soul ♪
You put the corn in the puddin' ♪
And the puddin' in the bowl ♪
You put the bowl in your belly ♪
'Cause it's good for the soul ♪
Who wants corn puddin'? ♪
We want corn puddin' ♪
Who wants corn puddin'? ♪
[CHORUS] We want corn puddin' ♪
- W what?
- Oh, I think they want us to take a verse.
I'm not singing, and you're not singing.
Come on, could be fun.
No. Do not.
Never had corn puddin' ♪
Why?
And it may be a waste ♪
But if you've got some extry ♪
"Extry"?
I sure would like a taste ♪
Oh, she sure would like a taste ♪
Corn, corn, corn, corn, corn ♪
Puddin'! ♪
Yum! ♪
Yum!
Ooh, that was so weird.
It was like as soon as I started
singing, I knew what to say.
That's fantastic. Can we please go now?
- What? Why?
- Are you serious?
The entire town and you just
spent the last five minutes
singing about corn pudding.
Did somebody say, "corn puddin'"?
- That's it, we're leaving.
- [SONG RESTARTS]
- Okay, well that one's on you.
- [CHORUS REPEATING] 'Corn puddin' ♪
I just feel bad, you know?
Everybody was so nice. We
didn't even say goodbye.
And risk starting another song?
They'll be fine.
What?
Wait a minute.
What is going on?
- It's like we can't leave.
- [JOSH] Well, of course we can leave.
Okay, this is freaky.
It's like it's magic or
- It's not magic.
- Well, then what is it?
I don't know. It's like a
trick bridge or something.
A trick bridge? What would that even be?
It would be this, okay?
I'm gonna try something.
This cannot be happening.
What's going on, Josh? What is this?
[MAN LAUGHS]
Once ye have entered Schmigadoon ♪
'Tis true ye won't be leaving soon ♪
Within its borders ye are bound ♪
Until at last true love ye've found ♪
But till ye find it, ye must stay ♪
Where life's a musical every day ♪
Was that a leprechaun?
Yes.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
He He said something.
What did he say?
I don't know.
I was more focused on how he
was shattering my whole construct
of what's real and
not real in the world,
because he was a freaking leprechaun.
"Life's a musical every day."
This isn't some tourist attraction.
This is a musical.
We're in an actual musical.
Oh, please, God, no.
But he said we're only here till
we've found true love, which
I love you. Do you love me?
What? Yes, of course.
So let's try the bridge again,
now that we know the rules.
Yes. Now we know.
- I love you.
- Oh.
I love you too.
You hear that, Mr. Leprechaun?
We're in love.
[SWEEPING MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC FADES]
Welcome to our little town ♪
Where friends are all you'll meet ♪
And you will never see a frown ♪
- Hey, everyone.
- [ALL] Hey there, Pete.
We bet you're prob'ly ♪
Wonderin' what we call ♪
The most beautiful, wonderful ♪
Magical place of all ♪
Schmigadoon ♪
Where the sun shines bright ♪
From July to June ♪
And the air's as sweet as a macaroon ♪
Schmigadoon ♪
Schmigadoon ♪
Where a man can dream ♪
Dreams so big and wide ♪
And a gal can be there ♪
Right by his side ♪
And there's hope for all ♪
Whether great or small ♪
There's no folderol ♪
Bring your parasol ♪
And we call it ♪
Schmiga ♪
Schmiga, Schmiga ♪
Schmiga, Schmiga ♪
S-C-H-M-I-G-A-D-O-O-Ohhh! ♪
Schmigadoon! ♪