Screw (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

You know the Kray twins? Who would you back in a fight, Gaz, Reggie or Ronnie? Ooh.
Fists or weapons? Fists.
Is Ronnie on or off his meds? Oh, erm, he's on.
[OFFICER FARTS.]
God, has someone died? No, but it's early.
You the new sprog? - The what? - Told you, didn't I? Hello, love.
It's Miss Gill, right? Yeah.
Told him what? Why would you want to be a prison officer? Cos I'm really good at shutting up dickheads.
Jackie Stokes.
That's Gary, Ali, and Don.
Welcome to Hell.
All right? Fantastic.
Here, this means we can unlock, now, Jax, right? Yeah, hopefully, yeah.
We haven't had enough staff to let the lads out the last few days.
Right, but I were told to come in early to get an induction from the Supervising Officer? - It won't go under, Michael.
- It will, Miss.
Well, it might have if you hadn't stuck the pages together.
That weren't me.
It's rented.
- If you could just give it a nudge - It's contraband.
Oh, haven't you got more important things to do, Miss Henry? I'd have to go Ron.
He was heavier.
Yeah, but Reg was cleverer.
Yeah, but Ron was madder, even when he was medicated, and neither of them were that bastard bright or they wouldn't have died in prison.
Nothing that can't wait.
We gonna get out today, Miss? I hope so.
Can you pass us some tissue? - I'm not touching it without gloves.
- Hey.
You sound like my wife.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
- What have we got here? - Here.
Look lively.
Right, quick, sprog, pick a number between one and 20.
- Why? 10? - Quick.
Morning, Boss.
OK? Yeah, that chap we're having overnight Dolby? Yeah, he's gonna be late, van got lost.
Oh, erm I'm Rose.
Gill.
New probationer.
- Are you chewing gum? - No.
Which could be used to make a key or block a lock? I mean, I know training's short Yeah, look, honest I was Men have been behind their doors for two days, we need to unlock.
I know, but Did leave your phone in your locker, didn't you? Yeah.
Right.
Come on, Swiss.
Feeding time at the zoo.
[OFFICE PHONE RINGS.]
Unlock Ones and Twos.
We'll get to all of you, so there's no need for banging.
Cue banging.
[PRISONERS START BANGING.]
Does get a bit lively when they haven't been out for a while.
- It's OK to be scared, yeah? - I'm not scared.
- Sprog.
- Yeah, always know where the alarms are.
So start off there, OK? Sorry, Miss.
[PRISONERS SHOUT.]
Morning.
All right, lads, there's no need to run.
Morning, Michael.
Put some trousers on! Yeah.
All right, all right.
You, you, then you.
Miss Henry? Governor Cahill? Oh, I won't.
You've got a transfer arriving on an overnight stay? Van's late, but yes.
Dolby, we're babysitting.
Well, let's make sure he's looked after, please.
Any enemies that we know of? - Oh, I know, there's a smell.
- Call the Works Department.
Yeah, I have, but Yeah, will do.
Oh, and Mr Ray will visit later.
Mr? Simon Ray.
New Governor Grade overseeing staffing, including the Custodial Manager post, so he's keen to see how C Wing is running.
You'll like him, Leigh.
And he needs to like you.
Hard man! You talking to me? Aye, always talking shit to anybody.
I'll chop you in half there.
Oi! You two! Pack it in! Hey, hey! We only just got out, man.
- We only just got out.
- Give it a rest! We only just got out, man.
Was that the Number 1? We need to run the model wing today, Jax.
All right.
Miss Stokes? Just give us a minute, love, all right? [PRISONER WHISTLES.]
[LAUGHTER.]
[HE YELLS.]
[KLAXON BLARES.]
What the fuck is that, Yogi? Oh, has it always been that shape? Hey, hey! Calm down.
Do not resist.
Everyone, back in your cells.
Lock down the ones and twos.
Look at her.
I mean I'm all for equality well, actually, that's bollocks, I'm not what's she gonna do when it kicks off? Like, they're putting us all at risk for the sake of political correctness.
This used to be a man's job for a reason.
You used to have to go to the gym every day for a reason.
What number did you pick, Sprog? Erm, ten, but I don't know why.
You had 18.
What was Swiss? - Six.
Jax had 19 - What were it for? And why "Swiss"? It's a bet, you know, how many minutes before it all kicked off.
Before the alarm, actually.
Anyone back 'em to make it past 20? - Me.
Easy to be cynical.
- Oh, I didn't know what Prisons aren't full of bad people, they're full of people who've done bad things.
- Keep Yogi behind his door for now.
- Any idea what it was over, Boss? They both do Thursday Home Ec.
Yogi says he saw Minto taking the piss out of his lemon drizzle cake through the window during bang-up.
One landing at a time, yeah? We're unlocking again? You got something better to do? - No, but when do I get my induction? - What do you wanna know? Well, I don't know what I don't know, so It's Cat B prison, four main wings holding a thousand adult males.
C Wing takes prisoners doing anything from a three weeks to five years, plus those nobody else wants.
OK? I could have got all that on the internet.
Exactly, you'll be able to get the whole qualification there soon.
Could you re-read PSO 1600 while you're online? Once you've drawn your baton, you've already lost.
Do you know what? I'm thinking of getting me a bit of a heroin habit.
You know, shift a few pounds for the beach? I've been in the job 20 years, what does Governor Ray think he'll see - that isn't in my record? - Your tits? Look, all you can do is show him you're the best masochist for the job, which you know you are.
So did you end up, er, stopping over again last night? Well, by the time I'd written up the ACCTS Yeah, no, I get it.
But, you know, if they ever catch you Who's gonna catch me? I'm in charge, for now.
You know what'll happen if I don't get Custodial Manager, Jax.
I'm out.
They can get two gum-chewing robots for one pain-in-the-arse like me.
Look, fuck that.
Right? We make today as dull as my sex life and then tonight, you and me finally have that drink to celebrate, eh? Thank you.
Good morning, Mr Dolby and Mr Bilal.
I'm SO Henry and this is Miss Stokes.
Everyone on C Wing starts with a clean slate.
I don't care what you did out there, only what you do in here.
You behave and you'll be fine.
Fuck about, and we'll be all over you like scabies.
- So, my advice - Keep it.
Fine.
So I'm not talking about the prison years, I'm talking about when they actually ran the East End and that.
- Are you left-handed? - Are you trying to put me off? No, cos, erm, left-handers die about three years earlier than right-handers, you know.
That's a true fact.
So how long have you got left now, then? What, in hours or in minutes? Hey, do you know what I've missed the most? Shot! What's up? Are you OK? - Do I know you, Miss? - No.
What's your first name? - You're thinking of someone else - Where are you from? She said you're wrong, fella, so jog on.
Never tell 'em anything about yourself.
Especially not this parasite.
Mr Campbell.
Miss? You already know her name, Google.
Cloudy today, Miss Gill.
60% chance of rain after tea.
Prick's obsessed with the weather, never goes outside.
- You got a boyfriend? - Mr Campbell? Boss wants you, Sprog.
- This is Miss - Gill.
Miss Gill, she'll be your Key Worker.
- I haven't had Key Worker training.
- Well, you learn by doing.
Right, but I'm actually supposed to be shadowing someone.
OK.
Come on.
Will I get a single, Miss? - I can't share, cos I'm claustrophobic.
- You're in prison.
Fucking nightmare, innit, Miss? Mr Shah, no kick-offs or fuck-ups today, okay? - Okay, boss.
Okay.
- Okay? "Yes.
Yes, boss.
" We've got a visitor coming and he might want a tour, so get all the cleaners at it, extra wombles out here.
Oh, and I don't want to see any zombies off their heads on spice.
- What, ever? - No, not Well, yes, preferably, but especially not today.
Who's coming? Works Department.
"Persistent foul odour.
" - That'll be the Albanians.
- Perfect timing.
Follow me.
- What are you after? - Looking for a single.
Oh, could be your lucky day.
Don't tell me: the ring is to stop women bothering you.
What about 82 on the threes? No.
I can sense you're about to ask why and if you start asking that, you're fucked.
Miss Henry says 82 is out of action, so What, we can't question her? Well, if you want, but only cons get answers.
Now, you could try it on with her.
We used to think she was a bit of a crack-snacker.
Now we reckon she's a nun or something, living in the community.
She don't talk about anything else but work.
Who's the cell for? New remand is claustrophobic.
Is he fuck.
He's after a single.
Listen, Sprog.
You've got the whole wing sizing you up, trying to work out whether you're gonna be a hard bitch or a soft touch and whether they can turn you.
How do you think most of the drugs, tech, takeaways get in here? - Is it chucked over the wall? - Officers.
And you'd best decide which sort you're gonna be, because if you give this lot an inch, they won't just take a mile, they'll take you halfway round the fucking world and you'll be finished before you've even started.
- Can I have a word, Boss? - Do I look like a mental health nurse? Trust no one.
- Including you? - Better.
Stick him in with one of the benefit frau Sorry, sorry, asylum seekers.
And remember, they put themselves behind these doors.
Miss? I fucked up my menu sheet, Miss.
I meant to order chicken but I ticked vegetarian by accident.
I won't eat it, and canteen's not until Friday.
Will you have a word with the kitchen for me, please? - Name's Caplan.
- Erm, no.
Sorry.
Mr Bilal, come with me please.
You have got to dress properly on the landing.
Go back to your cell and change.
Who's the new man? That depends.
Have you got any coffee? You can have whatever's left.
Familiar, is he? Was you in the army? Name's Dolby.
He's here from a C Cat on a lie-down for his mum's funeral.
Can't cope on the out, can they, no one telling 'em when to have a shit or get a haircut.
Most of 'em say they felt safer in Iraq than they do in here.
- We've got shit.
- Well, keep looking.
- Miss Henry, can I talk to you? - No, we've got shit.
It's not human or rodent, beyond that.
Well, I should report this.
Have you been cleaning properly? Why did he say "told you" when I came in the office? Oh.
Yeah, cos he said the new probationer would be a girl woman, you know - and you make it 50-50 if you stay - If I stay? Yeah, cos half of all new recruits leave in the first two years.
That's a true fact.
Most do this for their CV, then apply for the police for better pay.
Erm, why are you doing it? Just making my way through the Shit Jobs List call centre, phone shop, estate agents.
Every single one of them's got a cock like him.
Gaz is all right.
You know, he's got your back.
I bet he's the sort of bloke that wears the collar up on his polos, in't he? - Yeah.
- Yeah, I do that.
He is, yeah.
- Is that your real watch? - Yeah.
Yeah, you need to get yourself a proper one, you know, cos prison's like Vegas, you know, there's no clocks.
Right.
Is that why the SO hates me, because she thinks I won't stay? Could be anything, to be honest.
I mean, no one really knows Miss Henry, you know.
People say that she prefers the prisoners to us but to be fair, you know, a lot of these guys are all right, although I'm into true crime and that, so Is that why you're here? Plus there's hardly any training, you don't need qualifications and exciting, innit? [MUFFLED TANNOY ANNOUNCEMENT.]
- Does anyone understand that? - Yeah, it's time for roll-count.
- Right.
- Skanky minger.
What did you say? Skanky minger.
Right, you can be my first nicking.
How do I nick him? You don't.
He's new in, probably don't speak English.
They'll have just told him what to say and lied about what it means.
Just don't let them see that you're rattled.
I'm not fucking rattled.
Go on, then.
Here, someone's burgled my toilet seat.
Oh, fella.
How are you burning that without a lighter? Hey, I'm the victim here.
Registered disabled.
Right, come on, let's go.
Boss? Listen, I'm coming back, OK? - Yeah, but boss, I need - Deep breath.
That's it, hold on there.
Miss Gill? Can I have a word, please? [MAN WHEEZES.]
All right, love.
Doing well.
Better? That's it.
All right.
He's claustrophobic.
Did you check his Cell Sharing Risk Assessment? You trust them till they give you cause not to, all right? Now, find him a single before I fucking report you.
Go.
Pest Control, yes.
Well, no, I need someone now.
I'll wait.
[KNOCKING AT DOOR.]
Google's loo seat got jacked.
Is works still about? C Wing, yes.
It is urgent.
Did you say loo seat? I know.
Why would anyone nick a loo seat? - Spin the wing.
- What? Spin them.
Now.
No-one steals a toilet seat, unless they need to make a weapon fast.
Someone is desperate.
Yeah, you, to get this job so you can stay here.
Let's just focus on finding the thing, all right, so this Ray bloke don't turn up to a stabbing, we can go back to mothering the fuckers tomorrow.
No posters on the outside walls.
Why do the shit jobs pay the shittest and the best jobs pay the best, Swiss? Turn around, please.
Top half back on, bottom half off.
Oh, come on, Boss.
You are allowed one kettle.
What am I meant to cook in? The same one I make coffee with? Boss? I'm sorry, your call is important to us but all of our operators are busy dealing with other customers.
Oh, yes! Miss Gill, come on.
What are you doing? All right, on your feet, Caplan.
Come on, you know the drill.
Fantastic.
You never finished saying what you've missed most.
Carpets.
It's the ones that you don't find that you need to worry about.
This is fuck-all like Vegas.
- Really, Childs? - Miss Henry Boss.
- We found an empty cell on the search.
- Where? 67 on the Twos, but the board said it's empty for painting.
Yeah.
Wing painter's job never got filled, we ran out of paint.
If I give it a clean, can I put Bilal in there? We've got a zombie.
Caplan, again, completely fraggled.
Isn't he already in debt? Word is, he had extra portions of chicken to sell for spice.
They sell their food? Yeah.
Fish is the money but everything's worth something.
Except those little brown biscuits, bourbons, no one likes them.
Where'd he get extra chicken from? Today of all days.
It were me.
I didn't believe Bilal and I were wrong, so I trusted Caplan and I called the kitchen.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
It's just, there's so much to take in and it never ends and it's the longest I've been away from my phone since I was, like, ten.
Sort Bilal, now.
Put him in that single.
And stay out of my sight.
What do you want done with Caplan? And Childs.
Hide him.
- Where? - Anywhere, just keep him out of the way till bang-up.
I'll handle Childs.
Roll-count.
Fucking hell.
One month left on a three-stretch, you've never been any trouble, so I have to ask myself, what could make Steven Childs need a weapon in such a hurry that he'd do this? All I can come up with is, I can't be the only one who knows about Dolby.
You're from Hull.
Dolby taught swimming in Hull.
His name's not fucking Dolby.
It's Coleman.
I haven't seen him since I was 11.
I knew him straight away, smelt him.
He can change his name and he can run off to the army but he can't change what he is, or what he did.
Did you know? That his past had caught up with him? Did they give him a new name? Only a tiny number of offenders get new identities.
You know, I'm in here because of what he did as much as he is.
Fucking swimming.
Shall I, shall I tell you what he really taught me - about power and trust? - If you like.
Have you ever talked about what happened to you? I don't need to talk.
I'm not going to punish you, you're so close to release, but But I weren't gonna hurt him.
You need to stay behind your door until he leaves us.
No, I know, I know what I need.
I need five minutes on my own with him.
Well, no, I was only gonna use that to threaten him.
I swear to you.
I swear to you! Please, Miss Henry.
All right.
If you'd asked me any other day, then maybe.
But I can't, Steven.
I just can't.
Yeah, but you can trust me.
No.
It's not personal, I just can't today.
Oh! [SHE COUGHS.]
Oh, jeez.
Oh, my God! - What? You OK? - Look in there.
Ugh! What the fuck? I hate toads.
It's not a toad.
It's an African bullfrog.
Little fucker stinks.
This whole cell's gonna need fumigating.
- Where am I going to put Bilal? - You all right, mate? Go on.
[PRISONERS CHAT.]
The only thing he could use to keep afloat was the biggest package, so he's had to hang on to a shit-ton of brown till the feds came and rescued him! Hey.
You ever drink in The Crown? You don't fucking know me, OK? Are you coming in or going out? Pick one and fucking move.
All right, come.
- Go! - Miss Gill.
We talk to the men on this wing with respect.
Why, because we're outnumbered? Because they've already been judged, that's not your job.
What is? Ms Henry? - You've given me no help.
- Mr Ray? Anywhere more private? [HE SHOUTS.]
I was eight when you started here.
Oh.
I've probably spent more of my life in prison than outside.
You're in a somewhat tricky position, aren't you, given the vacant CM role effectively makes your current one redundant.
So if you don't get the job Has a decision been made? Well, that's why I'm here.
Oh, no, not to deliver it.
Sorry today I simply wanted to put a face to the name, given that the job appears to be yours to lose.
You seem to be running a pretty tight ship.
One thing.
On your application to join the service, in the background section you've listed Father as Unknown and Mother, Ruth Henry, Deceased.
But I can't find a birth certificate.
Oh, maybe it got lost? I'll need a replacement copy in order to confirm your appointment, vetting requirements etc.
Of course, yeah.
Good.
Soon as you like.
I'm not entirely sure where Between us, there are those who'd prefer the more experienced staff to make way now for a new generation.
Oh, what's needed are new ideas, not new people As Custodial Manager, I'll finally be able to make some changes, rather than just make it through the day.
Let's hope it works out.
Great to meet you, Leigh.
Miss.
I can't open me locker, Miss.
They ain't give me no key.
Charlie wasn't even in the Firm.
It's out of Reg and Ron.
Where's Miss Gill? Er, I only just got back from praying about a minute ago.
Just give me a second, all right? - Miss Gill.
Have you seen her? - No.
What's up? Look, forget about Rose bloody Gill.
Tell me about Governor Ray.
Right, what exactly did he say? He's not made a decision yet.
Apparently, the job's mine to lose.
OK, that's good.
"Yours to lose", I mean, that's fucking good, right? Now, if this ain't cause to finally get you out on the lady petrol, I don't know what is.
- I can't now, I need to go home.
- Right, let's do that.
I've only waited seven years for an invite round your gaff, so No, the kitchen still isn't finished and Oh, will you fucking cheer up? Look, all this Ray has done is let you know he's watching, so all we have to do is run the wing exactly like we have today.
I'm not doing this job for him.
I forgot that today.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Follow me.
Where to? - Shower.
- I don't need a shower.
Yes, you do.
What are you looking at? You used to watch us in the shower, Mr Coleman.
You're trying to remember me.
But you don't, do you? The Chief Screw's out there.
You, you said that I was your favourite, but you don't even How can you not remember, when to me, you What do you want? I didn't tell anyone.
Not even my dad.
Then when I where 18, I made myself tell him.
He wouldn't believe me.
He's never looked at me the same way again.
I said, what do you want? For you to admit that it happened.
Of course I remember you, Steven.
Out you come now, please.
So, what did he want from you? Just wanted to know if I remembered him.
And? Said I did, though.
And a deal's a deal, right? - So when do I get my biscuits? - Later.
Need some assistance down here now! And I don't want fucking Bourbons! - Clear the landings.
- Behind your doors! Ignore them, OK, keep looking at me.
Keep looking at me.
- Are you OK? - Yeah, we're fine, we're all fine, aren't we? - I'm not fucking fine.
- Shut up.
What is it? What's up, mate? - It's too late.
You're too late.
- What do you mean? - I asked you all.
Every one of yous.
- Asked us what? Yeah.
Now you listen.
Now it's too late.
I'm sorry if you haven't been listened to, but we're here now.
No! You didn't ask me.
You didn't ask me.
Just give us a chance, eh? - It's too late.
You're one of them.
- It's not.
I'm not.
Right? I'm just another body, like you, another problem.
I'll fuck up or fuck off any minute now and then another problem will turn up, so I'm not worth bothering with.
Look, just give us a chance.
That's only fair, in't it? They took apple crumble off the menu.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
It was on the sheet yesterday, but they took it off.
No reason.
Why? I don't know, but I'll find out.
I will.
I promise.
I promise I will find out.
But I need you to put that down.
Oh, here he is.
Swiss.
Nowhere to be seen when the fighting starts.
You told Tanush you're like him.
You know, once you put that uniform on, you are one of us.
Got to remember that, right? However well you get on with the men, - always remember they hate you.
Yeah? - Yeah.
You did well in there, though.
Didn't she? Move Bilal out of Cell 82.
It's dangerous, there's no electric.
Made a new friend, have we? Reminds me of that last time I tried online dating.
And when you've found out from the kitchen why they took apple crumble off the menu, go to Seg and tell Tanush.
- What, now? - Do you usually keep your promises? - Yeah.
- Then yeah.
Got a friend, have you? See, the little things are only little if you can still do something about the big fuckers - and this lot can't, so - So unless you know you can deliver, it's best not to promise.
Better to say, "I'll look into it.
" - Or just no.
- Yeah, because a no can become a yes, but go the other way and you are fucked.
Bilal can clean out this one's cell and move in there.
Have you got a little friend? Now, please.
Ribbit! Not all frogs say that, you know.
- No? - No.
Oh.
Well, what do they say? "You really need a girlfriend"? No, but they need to blink in order to swallow.
Yeah, that's a true fact.
Yeah, I went out with a bloke who done that.
- Or is it toads? - He was a bit of a fucking toad - Yes, Mr Carpenter, I've made a friend.
- Fantastic.
- Yeah.
See you tomorrow.
- Bye.
Go on, then.
You don't want to go? You don't want to go.
But why's it got to stay here? Because it's home.
It didn't want to go.
If that's a bullfrog, erm, it's non-native, so you shouldn't be releasing it anyway.
There you go then.
You work some mad hours.
Admin to do.
I'm not drawing keys.
Anyone seen my toad? You in or what? Yeah, I'm in.
Right, then, game on.