Scrubs s01e01 Episode Script

I've always been able to sleep through anything.
Storms, sirens, you name it.
Last night, I didn't sleep.
I guess I get a little goofy when I'm nervous.
You see, today isn't just any other day.
It's my first day.
I'm the man.
Three years of pre-med and four years of med school have made me realise one thing Could you drop an NG tube on the patient in 234 and then call the attending? I don't know Jack.
So this is my story.
- I'm supposed to be in intensive care.
- We just turfed him there.
I became a doctor to help people, but orientation yesterday didn't really focus on patient care.
The hospital doesn't wanna be sued.
Being sued is not a good thing.
- Hey, Turk? - What's up? You know how I'm down with the rap music? Dude, be whiter.
Chris Turk's my best friend.
We roomed together in college and med school.
We even got accepted by the same hospital.
Here's the thing.
Tupac, DMX, Dr Dre in most of their songs, they use an extremely volatile racial slur.
- The "N" word.
- I got it.
My question is this: if we're both singing along and I would never use the word otherwise - Am I allowed to say - No.
That's good for me to know.
Finally, doctors, if there is a mistake, don't admit it to the patient.
Of course, if the patient is deceased, and you're sure you can feel free to tell him or her anything.
I found us an apartment.
OK, gang, I'm Dr Bob Kelso, and I'm your Chief of Medicine so I just want to encourage you all to think of me as your safety net.
Because I promise you, we're a family here.
Now, then, go get 'em, doctors.
The surgical interns are gonna go grab a beer.
The medical interns are having a Pac-Man tournament.
We're all twelve.
I love Pac-Man.
Me, too.
I love watching it, I love playing it, I love all of it.
- I'm Elliot.
- Ell-i-ot.
Don't do that.
I'm JD.
This is Turk.
Are you medical or surgical? Medical.
Hello.
Every male in my family is a doctor.
That's why Dad gave me a guy's name made me play sports, date girls.
Joking.
I know.
I would've laughed if you'd paused.
I know what you're thinking.
Your butt looks like two Pringles hugging.
- No, you don't.
- I'm Miss "Hyper-Competitive.
" It used to be a big problem for me.
Used to.
Past tense.
Are we racing? Yes! I'm not that desperate.
No! You do a lot of cardio? Oh, yes.
Elliot Reid? John Dorian? Great.
One, I am your resident, Dr Jeffrey Steadman.
Not "Jeff'.
Two, here are your manuals.
Notice how quickly people make an impression? I am a tool.
I am a tool.
I am a tool, tool, tool.
- An unbelievably annoying tool.
- Yeah.
These are your beepers.
From now on, they control your life.
Thanks.
Move it.
Back to today.
- I was paged.
- First day, Bambi? Don't look at me when we're moving someone.
Why? - We're waiting for Dr Cox.
- Hi, doctor - Place an IV for me.
- We'll talk later.
Carla, do you spray the perfume on or fill your bathtub up - And splash around in it? - I smell nice.
You've done this to cadavers.
He's alive.
Poke it through his skin.
Now! Time's up.
Carla, will you do it for him? - Why tell her? - Shut up and watch.
Be nice to Bambi.
Why's he got to try and die every day during my lunch? That's insensitive.
Mistake.
Man's 92, has dementia, doesn't know we're here.
He is inches from Carla's rack and hasn't flinched.
- That is so sweet.
- Yeah, it is.
What about his subconscious? Eisenhower was a sissy.
I think we're gonna be OK.
From now on, whenever I'm in the room you're definitely not allowed to talk.
Dr Dorian, can you tell me what ailment most often Rounds is like being on a game show.
What is uraemia? That's my boy.
Nice clean job on the Foley catheter.
I had a nurse do it.
I'm still afraid to touch anybody.
I've been thinking a lot about Elliot.
A whole lot.
Dr Reid, you're late.
I got puked on.
You're off the hook if you can tell me what to look for in a uraemic patient.
Anyway, I'm going for it.
- Infection.
- Infection? That's my girl.
Moving on.
- I knew the answer.
- I'm sure you did.
- I'm just frazzled.
- How could you not be? If there's anything I can do for you You could let me take you to dinner tomorrow night.
Around seven? Or eight? Why not? Nice! "Why not?" That's what she said.
"Why not?" Daddy, why did you marry Mommy? Tiger, I gave her an answer during rounds and she screwed my brains out.
You're the man.
What the hell are you doing? Did you actually just page me to find out how much Tylenol to give to Mrs Lenzer? I was worried it could exacerbate It's regular-strength Tylenol.
Here's what you do.
Open her mouth, take a handful and throw it at her.
Whatever sticks, that's the correct dosage.
Under no circumstances are you to compromise our no-talking agreement.
Dr Kelso is always saying I'm gonna say this as carefully as possible so I don't overstate it.
Dr Kelso is the most evil human being on the planet and may in fact be Satan himself.
It's just that this isn't what I expected.
Most of my patients are older and sorta checked-out, mentally.
Pumpkin, that's modern medicine.
Advances that keep people alive who should've died a long time ago.
Back when they lost what made them people.
Your job is to stay sane enough so when someone does come in that you can help you're not so braindead you can't function.
For the love of God, what? Should we be talking about this in front of Her? She's dead.
Write this down.
If you push around a stiff nobody'll ask you to do anything.
You've been like a father to me.
If they find out nurses are doing your procedures you'll be kicked out so quick, your head'll spin.
And there it is.
Have a terrific day.
I'm not really dead.
Bambi, here's Mrs Lenzer's tox screen.
Is Turk having the same experience I am? - I am such a stud.
- Probably not.
I had my hands inside of a guy's chest.
I couldn't even see them.
I should not be allowed to do stuff like that.
Wassup? - You weren't scared? - One way or another everyone stops bleeding.
- That is so deep.
- No, it isn't.
It's a little deep.
- About the apartment - T-Man! Word up, boy, how you doing? - All right.
- Todd, JD.
- JD, this is my man Todd.
- What's goin' I was back in high school.
Surgical interns are all slice 'em and dice 'em.
Medical interns are trained to think about the body.
Diagnose, test.
Medical interns You got a stain.
we're the chess club.
I just have bad gas.
What are you testing me for? To see if your gas could be harmful to others.
He's just scared.
Talk to him.
Look, Mr Burski, I heard a systolic murmur in your heart which is most likely nothing, but if I don't check you out - I'll worry about you all day.
- Then I'll do it.
For you.
You're a good man.
I'm waiting for someone.
The door is broke.
Probably the fifth time or so it don't open.
Maybe a penny's stuck in there.
- Why a penny? - I don't know.
- Did you stick a penny in there? - No, I was making small talk.
If I find a penny in there, I'm taking you down.
Welcome to rounds, kids.
Elliot is the only thing keeping me from losing my mind.
She is my dream girl.
The necrosis and infected stool most likely indicate what, Dr Dorian? I don't know.
Sir, I have no idea.
Dr Reid, can you help him out? Superior mesenteric insufficiency.
That's my girl.
Patient number two.
"Superior mesenteric " Draining stomach fluid will get my spirits up.
- Circles for you.
- Shut up and do it.
Fantastic.
Now just suck out the fluid with the giant needle.
Needle's too big.
I'm gonna get a nurse.
Come on, man.
Learn by doing.
Why couldn't I do that? I hated him at that moment.
OK, maybe the needle was a little too big.
- You think? - What's going on? Nothing.
This is totally normal.
So are you gonna move your stuff in? That's why I came by.
I think it's better if we both branched out.
Tell him that's stupid.
Tell him you need him.
I feel the same way.
What's it like being a young hotshot doctor? Did you ever go see a movie everyone told you was great and because of all the expectations, you were disappointed? Movies nowadays have too many special effects.
That was my point.
My first code.
Someone's heart fails, they beep everyone.
The first doctor in has to run the room decides if a patient lives or dies.
What, am I crazy? You chicken.
Don't worry.
Turk was there, "learning by doing".
- Charged.
- Clear.
The guy was just sleeping, attached to a faulty monitor.
I thought we cared for each other.
You just wanna sleep with me.
I don't wanna sleep with you now.
Do me right here.
See? Right.
Pass me a trach kit.
Thanks.
Our date is totally cancelled.
I was sitting on the floor for two reasons.
One, I tried to lock Elliot in that supply closet and she kicked me.
Hard.
And two, the on-call room was locked.
Come on, I got ten minutes to sleep.
Wait.
Tell me if I'm going too fast, OK? Lose the clothes.
I heard Turk was gonna move in with Todd.
I'm surprised that freak isn't in there with him.
Damn, this is hot.
Nice.
Your turn.
No, I gotta get back, but very nice.
Hey, Bambi.
I'll call you, OK? Give me a big "ahh".
A big-boy "ahh".
Turk almost had sex in the on-call room.
You realise, of course, I have no idea who Turk is but good for him.
You see, Billy, it turns out that sex is life-affirming.
What do you say? Got a urine sample for me? I just did five minutes ago.
But here's the thing.
Take this, put it on the ground, close your eyes and go nuts.
What do you say? - Cool! - Attaboy.
Go get 'em.
- Why are you here? - Seems like a good kid.
You're worried about being on call tonight.
Yeah.
Look, worst-case scenario you kill somebody and it's with you the rest of your life.
But that is the absolute worst-case scenario.
Just have the nurses do the stuff you're too chicken to do which is everything, and if you have a really rough admission Call you? No! Hide in the closet again.
This is fun.
- Nurse? - I'm a doctor.
The stethoscope, the beeper, a doctor, got it? Relax.
I hate the "darlings", the "sweethearts".
No need to tell me how hard it is being a woman here.
You're helping by wearing a thong and hooking up in the on-call room.
Word gets around.
You talk like that, do you even know my name? I spend every second of my life either here or taking care of my mom so, yeah, maybe I needed a little closeness.
You never had a quickie at the club, right? Or snuck some skinny college boy up to your sorority room.
And my thong? I think it makes my ass look good.
And some days, I need to feel good about something.
And you judge me? Well, guess what? Word does get around, Ms Out-For-Herself.
So you can dump on everyone here if you want, but you will not hurt me.
Her name's Carla, by the way.
Hey, champ.
First night on call starts soon, huh? You must be excited.
You betcha.
About Mrs Pratt.
I heard you wanted to put her on the hospital's transplant list.
I'd recommend keeping her on dialysis a little longer.
- Maybe we'll get lucky.
- No problem, sir.
Great.
Have a ball.
On call.
Little poem for ya.
Bambi, let's go.
I'll check on you every ten minutes, Mrs Marino, OK? I need to see you in Mr Burski's room.
Are you flirting with me? You are, aren't you? He crashed.
The attending thinks it was a pulmonary embolism.
No way anyone could've caught it.
- You have to pronounce him.
- Why didn't anybody page me? Could you just pronounce him so I can go home? I'll never forget that moment.
The way he looked exactly the same only completely different.
The shame that all I could think about was how hard this was for me.
Time of death 0200.
I just wanted to help people.
The hardest part is how quickly you have to move on.
Don't worry, you're gonna be fine.
I lied before.
I'm scared every second.
Really? It's a good thing they make surgical masks.
If they didn't everyone would know my face was like this the whole time.
I think it's OK to be scared.
I need you to tell me that.
He needs me? I just came to check up on you, see how you're doing.
Ask him to move in again.
Turk, the offer still stands I already took the keys out your bag.
I love you.
And like that, I got a second wind.
I'm watching you.
- How you holding up? - There he is.
My safety net.
I saw that you're still pushing to put Mrs Pratt on the transplant list.
Bad news, though.
She doesn't have the insurance to cover it.
But she's a second away from total renal failure.
OK Did you ask the Burski family for permission to do an autopsy? They're still with him.
It's a teaching hospital, you gotta ask.
Tell him you can't see Mr Burski again, he'll understand.
Sir, do you think I could skip just this one? Why, sure, sport.
See? Every story needs a good guy.
In fact, why don't you just head on home? You look kinda tired.
I am pretty tired.
Dr Dorian, do you not realise that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? The only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your names.
If the patient has insurance, you treat them.
If they don't, you show them the door.
And if somebody dies, you get the autopsy.
Get it by rounds tomorrow or I'll scratch your name off my chart.
Clear? Answer me! Crystal clear.
Great, sport.
If he's the jerk then who's the good guy? Car accident.
Crashed on the way up.
Relieve the pressure on his chest.
JD, do it.
God, no.
Look at me.
You can do this.
- And I believed him.
- Chest tube tray.
You know, kind of.
Come on, baby, let's go.
You can do this.
You have to do this.
JD, cut him or lose him.
Give me the tube.
I can't get through the pleura.
Don't be gentle, get it in there.
Connect it, please, Carla.
- Normal rhythm.
- No way! It's a piece of cake.
It's your patient.
You're leaving? That's your patient, doctor.
Good.
- That's enough.
- Sorry.
It's a very big moment for me.
I guess that's it for now.
You finally off? Almost.
I have one more annoying thing I gotta do.
If it's the Burski autopsy, I called the family and they said fine, and to thank you, and I'm sorry.
They didn't say that last part, I did.
The worst part was knowing I could never forgive her.
I forgive her.
You see, I can't survive on my own.
I'm a dork.
A dork.
I'm a dork.
Even now, when I get to go home I'll know the hospital's still here, wide awake.
Get out while you still can.
But what the hell.
The important thing is I got through my first three days without looking like a complete idiot.
I'm the man.