Secret Diary of a Call Girl s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
I love London.
I love its rudeness, its lack of community, its impatience.
I even love its weather.
But most of all I love the anonymity.
The first thing you should know about me is that I'm a whore.
In the world of children in bikinis and grandmothers in fuck-me boots, the surest way to tell a prostitute is to look for the woman in the designer suit.
Locate the lifts.
Glide past reception.
Look like you know where you're going.
Don't attract too much attention.
Be fabulous but forgettable.
You should also know that this isn't the real me.
Morning.
Escort.
Hooker.
Prostitute.
Whore.
I don't mind what you call me, that's just semantics.
There are as many different kinds of working girls as there are people.
But I can tell you about me.
I should say up front that I wasn't abused by a relative.
I've got no children to support and I've never been addicted to anything.
Except for maybe the fourth season of The West Wing, but you know I'm very high class which means I charge by the hour and I charge a lot.
So why do I do it? Well, I love sex and I love money.
And I know you don't believe I enjoy the sex, but I do.
But I'm fundamentally lazy.
What I really like is being my own boss.
Well, pretty much my own boss.
Obviously, I have an agent, she vets all my clients.
Two lovely new gentlemen for you today.
OK.
'An out-call this evening and an in-call this afternoon.
' When? Two o'clock.
It's half one now.
Is it? Yes.
You know I need at least an hour's notice.
Well, shit, shower and shave, sweetheart.
He's on his way over.
I have certain rules.
Rule 1- keep life and job separate.
Personal.
Work.
Private.
Professional.
Hannah.
Belle.
And never the twain shall meet.
Thank you.
Rule No.
2- stay in control.
They sit down, I stand up.
Get the money first.
Yeah, I'll call after.
No problem.
All right, bye.
Rule 3- safety.
Always check in with the agency.
So if I say "no problemo" instead of "no problem" there's a problem.
Everything you need's in here.
Rule 4- hygiene.
Mine and his.
I always use men's deodorant.
I never wear perfume.
A professional never lets her client leave smelling of woman.
Convince them that you're wet and you're halfway there.
Goes without saying.
And last but definitely not least, work out what the client wants as fast as you can.
And give it to him.
Come with me.
Tell me something you fantasise about.
What do you mean? Something that turns you on.
This.
Where are we doing this? Where would you like to fuck me? Oh.
Outside.
Oh, in an alleyway.
In a dirty alley.
Er OK.
On a beach? Er In a field? On a farm? Oh.
The field's on the farm.
I'm a country girl.
You're a farmer.
Or a stable boy that seduced me.
Can you see the stables? Yeah, of course I can.
Can you smell the horses? I can smell the horses.
They're making noises in the stalls, getting very excited.
Horses have giant cocks, don't they? Oh, yes.
Yes, they do.
Maybe you should take me to the stable.
Don't fuck the horse! I'm not even gonna get close.
It's too big.
What's it doing? The horse? The stallion, it's out of control.
It's far too big.
It sounds like it's going to break the stall door.
They're powerful horses! Very powerful horse.
I tell everyone I'm a legal secretary for one of those huge international law firms.
You know, the ones that need staff at night to meet contract deadlines.
It's so boring no-one asks about it.
I can't even tell my best friend Ben what I do for a living.
Best custard tart in London, that.
See the crust? That's not a machine, that's hand-made.
I thought Vanessa had you on a diet.
She does.
I'm living on fucking tofu but I eat leftovers at the club.
You've been fatter.
I never put you on a diet.
In every other way you're the worst girlfriend ever.
What? Don't mess about.
You never! Look at the size of your chops! That's really nice.
Give it.
Yes, I do.
Fancy a game of "spoilt little rich girl"? We haven't done that in a while? That one.
I think this is lovely.
Shame the pool's so small, though.
We're not making a decision based on pool size, Benjamin! It's a bit shit, though.
Let's go on in.
Oh, lush! This is perfect! Beautiful fireplace.
Oh, yeah, great.
Barrister or QC? No way.
Stock broker.
It's owned by a retired barrister who wants to move out of London.
He still loves the property.
Sash windows.
Ya, I love a sash.
Love it.
Why don't you try the acoustics? She trained in Vienna.
Plays incredible Chopin.
That's terribly rude, Benjamin.
Plays like an angel.
Thanks very much.
Goodbye.
Chopin, you cunt! How does anyone ever afford to buy a house in London? It's just about making the money.
Four Seasons - Spring It's a nice hotel.
Not big enough for an Arab.
Not expensive enough for an American.
Not trendy enough for a young professional.
He'll be over 50.
Long-term married.
First time with an escort so I'm guessing he'll be newly retired which has led to a drop in self-esteem and a need to feel powerful and special.
This is why I'm good at my job.
Belle? Daniel? Hi.
Right, we'll get a drink, shall we? Why don't you just try lying back? Sorry.
Oh, God.
God.
Look at that, the hour's all gone.
Don't worry.
No, look, I can't afford - Don't worry, we'll get there.
You just need to relax.
Er why don't you watch me have a play? That's extraordinarily nice of you, it's just I have to er I'm going to have to go actually.
What? You're not staying here? No, I can't.
I'm not a huge fan of hotels, really.
But you stay if you want.
I've already paid online.
On my own? Well, if you like.
I'm just offering so as not to waste any of Thank you, though.
Thanks for your time.
And I'm sorry Belle.
Enchante.
I- I-I'm sorry.
Is there anything in particular I haven't - Oh, no, no.
It's just Good night.
Well, that's a first.
Thank you.
Just put it there, thank you.
No-one else? Oh, well, probably for the best.
Can't have anyone getting too hefty.
And last but not least, Rachel.
I make it 2,300.
No, it's 2,000.
Rachel, look at me, with my books, my records.
Now look at you.
With your roots.
It's 2,300, sweetheart.
I owe you the 300.
Yes, you do.
Now, ugly mugs.
This gentleman has been all over town with fraudulent money.
Shiny notes.
He tried it on with one of Bruce's girls.
She said he spoke with an accent.
Eastern European.
You can't say that.
No, it's racist.
You can't be racist against Eastern Europeans.
You can be prejudiced.
I'm prejudiced, then.
Then we're all agreed.
They are my people.
Funny you're Swedish on the site, then.
Enough.
Right, that's your lot.
Where's Fiona? Apparently her bloke saw her photo on the Internet.
Recognised the underwear he bought her for Christmas.
I should get my pictures more pixilated.
No-one is getting more pixilated.
They can barely make out your gender as it is.
I couldn't bear it if my parents found out.
Ladies, I've got another lot here in a minute.
And keep things free.
Holiday season coming up and all that.
My young one from the other night, Daniel, did you hear from him? Yes.
He rang to book again, actually.
But I gave him someone else.
He was more specific this time.
What did he want, then? He asked for "girl next door".
He said jeans, no make-up.
Takes all sorts, I suppose.
Who have you given him to? Rachel.
Rachel.
£300-short Rachel? Are you playing me? Now stop asking favours.
If you're not going to eat anything, fuck off.
Hello.
Yes, Gabriella is free.
Six o'clock is fine.
Thank you.
You know, I would order something but I'd be worried you'd take 40% of my food.
Sorry, I know you were expecting someone else.
Oh, no, no.
Rachel's not well.
It's not good.
Right.
Well, hurray! Well, not hurray - So you've got me without the miracle of hair and make-up.
No, I like it.
Er we can put you in a nice hot shower if you - Oh, yeah, of course.
Why do you wear shoes in your own flat? Sorry? It's just it looks like you're on your way out.
Are you a fan of feet, then? Not like that.
Hello.
No problem.
I'll call you after.
OK.
My girlfriend and I were together for four years.
And it's difficult.
I mean, I meet other girls.
I like some of them.
But after half an hour or so I just realise how little I appreciated When did you find out? At a party.
She was with her chap.
She's nine months.
She's like She's right out.
She looked exactly like I always imagined she would.
My sister's nine months pregnant and looks like a Volvo.
You don't have to do the other one.
No, I do.
I have to do both.
I have a thing.
I like symmetry.
Square numbers and palindromes.
What's a palindrome again? A word that's spelt the same backwards as forwards like noon, level - Hannah.
Hannah.
You're Hannah? Yeah.
'Hi, this is Ben.
I can't take your call now.
Leave me a message.
' .
.
and now I'm asking you to give him someone else.
I'm unpredictable like that.
I don't know, tell him whatever you want.
You're not gonna believe what I found.
I was quite a spoilt little girl when I was younger.
And one of the many lessons I had Now, what I want to know is who wears this? You or me? 'Sometimes it's not the youngest or the richest clients you want, or the ones you have most in common with.
For me, the perfect partner is one where I never have to be myself.
' Sometimes I get paid to do the things I've always wanted to do.
The most prestigious adult party in the country.
Oh, shit.
Sorry.
I know him from somewhere.
I was this close to having the best sex ever.
I like your work, by the way.
I like your work, too.
Is it just me, or are you a little overdressed for work, dear? Maybe later on when you are really desperate I will fuck you.
STUART CAMPBELL
I love its rudeness, its lack of community, its impatience.
I even love its weather.
But most of all I love the anonymity.
The first thing you should know about me is that I'm a whore.
In the world of children in bikinis and grandmothers in fuck-me boots, the surest way to tell a prostitute is to look for the woman in the designer suit.
Locate the lifts.
Glide past reception.
Look like you know where you're going.
Don't attract too much attention.
Be fabulous but forgettable.
You should also know that this isn't the real me.
Morning.
Escort.
Hooker.
Prostitute.
Whore.
I don't mind what you call me, that's just semantics.
There are as many different kinds of working girls as there are people.
But I can tell you about me.
I should say up front that I wasn't abused by a relative.
I've got no children to support and I've never been addicted to anything.
Except for maybe the fourth season of The West Wing, but you know I'm very high class which means I charge by the hour and I charge a lot.
So why do I do it? Well, I love sex and I love money.
And I know you don't believe I enjoy the sex, but I do.
But I'm fundamentally lazy.
What I really like is being my own boss.
Well, pretty much my own boss.
Obviously, I have an agent, she vets all my clients.
Two lovely new gentlemen for you today.
OK.
'An out-call this evening and an in-call this afternoon.
' When? Two o'clock.
It's half one now.
Is it? Yes.
You know I need at least an hour's notice.
Well, shit, shower and shave, sweetheart.
He's on his way over.
I have certain rules.
Rule 1- keep life and job separate.
Personal.
Work.
Private.
Professional.
Hannah.
Belle.
And never the twain shall meet.
Thank you.
Rule No.
2- stay in control.
They sit down, I stand up.
Get the money first.
Yeah, I'll call after.
No problem.
All right, bye.
Rule 3- safety.
Always check in with the agency.
So if I say "no problemo" instead of "no problem" there's a problem.
Everything you need's in here.
Rule 4- hygiene.
Mine and his.
I always use men's deodorant.
I never wear perfume.
A professional never lets her client leave smelling of woman.
Convince them that you're wet and you're halfway there.
Goes without saying.
And last but definitely not least, work out what the client wants as fast as you can.
And give it to him.
Come with me.
Tell me something you fantasise about.
What do you mean? Something that turns you on.
This.
Where are we doing this? Where would you like to fuck me? Oh.
Outside.
Oh, in an alleyway.
In a dirty alley.
Er OK.
On a beach? Er In a field? On a farm? Oh.
The field's on the farm.
I'm a country girl.
You're a farmer.
Or a stable boy that seduced me.
Can you see the stables? Yeah, of course I can.
Can you smell the horses? I can smell the horses.
They're making noises in the stalls, getting very excited.
Horses have giant cocks, don't they? Oh, yes.
Yes, they do.
Maybe you should take me to the stable.
Don't fuck the horse! I'm not even gonna get close.
It's too big.
What's it doing? The horse? The stallion, it's out of control.
It's far too big.
It sounds like it's going to break the stall door.
They're powerful horses! Very powerful horse.
I tell everyone I'm a legal secretary for one of those huge international law firms.
You know, the ones that need staff at night to meet contract deadlines.
It's so boring no-one asks about it.
I can't even tell my best friend Ben what I do for a living.
Best custard tart in London, that.
See the crust? That's not a machine, that's hand-made.
I thought Vanessa had you on a diet.
She does.
I'm living on fucking tofu but I eat leftovers at the club.
You've been fatter.
I never put you on a diet.
In every other way you're the worst girlfriend ever.
What? Don't mess about.
You never! Look at the size of your chops! That's really nice.
Give it.
Yes, I do.
Fancy a game of "spoilt little rich girl"? We haven't done that in a while? That one.
I think this is lovely.
Shame the pool's so small, though.
We're not making a decision based on pool size, Benjamin! It's a bit shit, though.
Let's go on in.
Oh, lush! This is perfect! Beautiful fireplace.
Oh, yeah, great.
Barrister or QC? No way.
Stock broker.
It's owned by a retired barrister who wants to move out of London.
He still loves the property.
Sash windows.
Ya, I love a sash.
Love it.
Why don't you try the acoustics? She trained in Vienna.
Plays incredible Chopin.
That's terribly rude, Benjamin.
Plays like an angel.
Thanks very much.
Goodbye.
Chopin, you cunt! How does anyone ever afford to buy a house in London? It's just about making the money.
Four Seasons - Spring It's a nice hotel.
Not big enough for an Arab.
Not expensive enough for an American.
Not trendy enough for a young professional.
He'll be over 50.
Long-term married.
First time with an escort so I'm guessing he'll be newly retired which has led to a drop in self-esteem and a need to feel powerful and special.
This is why I'm good at my job.
Belle? Daniel? Hi.
Right, we'll get a drink, shall we? Why don't you just try lying back? Sorry.
Oh, God.
God.
Look at that, the hour's all gone.
Don't worry.
No, look, I can't afford - Don't worry, we'll get there.
You just need to relax.
Er why don't you watch me have a play? That's extraordinarily nice of you, it's just I have to er I'm going to have to go actually.
What? You're not staying here? No, I can't.
I'm not a huge fan of hotels, really.
But you stay if you want.
I've already paid online.
On my own? Well, if you like.
I'm just offering so as not to waste any of Thank you, though.
Thanks for your time.
And I'm sorry Belle.
Enchante.
I- I-I'm sorry.
Is there anything in particular I haven't - Oh, no, no.
It's just Good night.
Well, that's a first.
Thank you.
Just put it there, thank you.
No-one else? Oh, well, probably for the best.
Can't have anyone getting too hefty.
And last but not least, Rachel.
I make it 2,300.
No, it's 2,000.
Rachel, look at me, with my books, my records.
Now look at you.
With your roots.
It's 2,300, sweetheart.
I owe you the 300.
Yes, you do.
Now, ugly mugs.
This gentleman has been all over town with fraudulent money.
Shiny notes.
He tried it on with one of Bruce's girls.
She said he spoke with an accent.
Eastern European.
You can't say that.
No, it's racist.
You can't be racist against Eastern Europeans.
You can be prejudiced.
I'm prejudiced, then.
Then we're all agreed.
They are my people.
Funny you're Swedish on the site, then.
Enough.
Right, that's your lot.
Where's Fiona? Apparently her bloke saw her photo on the Internet.
Recognised the underwear he bought her for Christmas.
I should get my pictures more pixilated.
No-one is getting more pixilated.
They can barely make out your gender as it is.
I couldn't bear it if my parents found out.
Ladies, I've got another lot here in a minute.
And keep things free.
Holiday season coming up and all that.
My young one from the other night, Daniel, did you hear from him? Yes.
He rang to book again, actually.
But I gave him someone else.
He was more specific this time.
What did he want, then? He asked for "girl next door".
He said jeans, no make-up.
Takes all sorts, I suppose.
Who have you given him to? Rachel.
Rachel.
£300-short Rachel? Are you playing me? Now stop asking favours.
If you're not going to eat anything, fuck off.
Hello.
Yes, Gabriella is free.
Six o'clock is fine.
Thank you.
You know, I would order something but I'd be worried you'd take 40% of my food.
Sorry, I know you were expecting someone else.
Oh, no, no.
Rachel's not well.
It's not good.
Right.
Well, hurray! Well, not hurray - So you've got me without the miracle of hair and make-up.
No, I like it.
Er we can put you in a nice hot shower if you - Oh, yeah, of course.
Why do you wear shoes in your own flat? Sorry? It's just it looks like you're on your way out.
Are you a fan of feet, then? Not like that.
Hello.
No problem.
I'll call you after.
OK.
My girlfriend and I were together for four years.
And it's difficult.
I mean, I meet other girls.
I like some of them.
But after half an hour or so I just realise how little I appreciated When did you find out? At a party.
She was with her chap.
She's nine months.
She's like She's right out.
She looked exactly like I always imagined she would.
My sister's nine months pregnant and looks like a Volvo.
You don't have to do the other one.
No, I do.
I have to do both.
I have a thing.
I like symmetry.
Square numbers and palindromes.
What's a palindrome again? A word that's spelt the same backwards as forwards like noon, level - Hannah.
Hannah.
You're Hannah? Yeah.
'Hi, this is Ben.
I can't take your call now.
Leave me a message.
' .
.
and now I'm asking you to give him someone else.
I'm unpredictable like that.
I don't know, tell him whatever you want.
You're not gonna believe what I found.
I was quite a spoilt little girl when I was younger.
And one of the many lessons I had Now, what I want to know is who wears this? You or me? 'Sometimes it's not the youngest or the richest clients you want, or the ones you have most in common with.
For me, the perfect partner is one where I never have to be myself.
' Sometimes I get paid to do the things I've always wanted to do.
The most prestigious adult party in the country.
Oh, shit.
Sorry.
I know him from somewhere.
I was this close to having the best sex ever.
I like your work, by the way.
I like your work, too.
Is it just me, or are you a little overdressed for work, dear? Maybe later on when you are really desperate I will fuck you.
STUART CAMPBELL