See Dad Run (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

Katie, honey, it's dad.
Oh, I can't believe Ooh That you're leaving for college next week.
So many memories.
Come on, let me see that sweet face.
Come on.
Now I'm reminded of your birth.
My life is over.
Baby, I know you thought you and Chad would be together forever.
But I promise you there's one guy that will always be there for you no matter what.
I love you, daddy.
Oh, wait.
You thought I was talking about me? This is awkward.
And We're out! Give it up for the one, the only, America's number-one dad, David Hobbs! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Uh Boy, this show has been my life for the past ten years, and to tell you the truth, I can't believe it's over.
This cast and crew have been like my family, except better, because I don't have to see them on weekends and holidays.
- One more season! - You're the best! I will I'll miss them more than they will ever know.
We love you, David! Get out of here.
This is the guy right here.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is my dear friend and our head writer, Mr.
Marcus Barnes.
Marcus I just want to take a moment and tell you something that I've been dying to tell you for a long time.
I quit! Too late.
You're fired! Well, folks, as bittersweet as this is, I'm really looking forward to spending some quality time with my real family.
And if you don't mind, I'd love you to meet them.
Come on out here, real family.
My beautiful wife, Amy, and our kids.
Great news, guys daddy's coming home.
I can't believe it's over.
Well, honey, it's time to move forward, start act two.
Speaking of, uh, act two, there's something I need to talk to you about.
Is this about me? Isn't it always? Hey, baby.
Janie, honey, I thought you were asleep.
Dr.
Monkey Chunks told me she's sad.
Oh.
Did daddy forget to kiss Dr.
Monkey Chunks good night? - Uh-huh! - Aw.
That's 'cause Dr.
Monkey Chunks smells like poo.
That's all you got? Lame.
- Ah.
Hey, guys.
I wanted to practice my part in the school play before bed.
Oh.
Hail Caesar! David, that was his part.
Ooh! Sorry, Joe.
I really want to hear it from you.
Hail Caesar! Whoa! And there it is.
That's my boy! In ancient Rome, they never wore underpants.
You know, he's right, honey.
All romans went full commando Claudius, Julius, Testiculus.
Okay, good night, Joe.
Ah, so, Mr.
David, I have some exciting news.
You're not pregnant, are you? No! Whoo! I, uh Got a call from the producers of All The Days.
They want my character, Sarah, to come back.
Come back from what, her coma? Yeah, they feel it's time to end that storyline.
Doesn't her lack of brain activity end that storyline? They want my character to wake up, rejoin the show.
Oh.
I don't know, Amy.
The timing's not great.
How do you figure? Well, doesn't that mean that you'd be working full-time, and I'd be staying home with the kids? Yeah! I just thought we'd all be together having breakfast in the morning, you dropping the kids off at school, me playing a round of golf and smoking cigars with the guys, spending the afternoon at the track With you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it does sound pretty ridiculous, huh? Ha! Leaving you home with the kids.
Hold on a second.
You don't think I can handle my kids on my own? - I never said that.
- But that's what you meant.
- No, I didn't.
- That's exactly what you meant.
Need I remind you that just last year I was voted TV Guide's number-one dad? Baby, I voted for you.
You're going back to work, okay? I got this.
- Really? Am I not the man who built his son's science project and delivered a litter of puppies all in one night? That was on the show.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
But I like where you're going with this, mister.
Come on, you know what? Come here.
It's your turn.
You deserve this.
And besides, you had them for the "diaper" years.
I mean, how hard can this be? You're so pretty.
- Can I talk to you, mom? - Sure, baby, yeah.
What's up? Oh, it's about Matthew Pearson.
Oh, that's my cue.
I'm out of here.
Oh, no, no, no, honey.
You need to be a part of this now.
But, mom! Go ahead, love.
Fine.
Um, well, you know that I was hoping - And did he? - No! I can't believe it! - Even after - I know, I know.
But tell me you didn't No! I did exactly what we - Good, good.
Did you try - Twice! - And not even a - Nope.
Oh, wow.
David, you want to jump in here? - On what? You guys sound like a cell phone that keeps cutting out.
See? I knew he wouldn't understand.
Can I buy a vowel or something? Now that I'm going back to work and you're in charge, you need to know how to handle these situations.
Wwwait.
You're leaving, and he's staying? He doesn't know anything about raising a daughter.
I think Entertainment Weekly might disagree with you on that.
Fine.
I'm trying to get a guy to ask me to the dance.
Any words of wisdom? Did you not see our very special prom episode? Nothing good ever happens at a dance.
You're not going.
Unbelievable! Yeah, see that? This is gonna be awesome! Morning, family.
How's everybody today? - Horrified.
- Me too.
So you heard the good news.
- I think it's great, dad.
- Me too.
Now we get some "dudes only" time.
Dude, we are gonna have all kinds of "dudes only" time, starting right now catch.
Daddy, we don't throw things to Joe.
David, we really need to go over a few things before I leave.
One sec, honey.
I just need my coffee.
There we go.
Morning.
Hello, David.
Hello, David's real family.
- Thank you.
- No problem, dad.
Uh, uh, David.
David, what was Kevin from the show doing here? Bringing me my scone.
Scone okay.
Uh, it's 6:45.
At 7:00, the kids need to be upstairs teeth, hair, faces, brushed, combed, washed.
You prep the backpacks, and you make the lunch.
Now, this is important.
Emily only eats out of recyclable containers.
Joe's food can't touch.
Don't ask.
You're driving carpool.
Leave at 7:30 because Joe cannot be late.
You won't like Joe when he's late.
What do I do with Janie? - You take her with you.
- All day? Oh, honey, I think I see where you've gone wrong here.
You golf? Ah.
This is the family book.
How many families are in this thing? Do not mock the family book.
The family book is your best friend.
Everything you need is right here.
- Honey, honey? - Huh? - I got this.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay? Come on.
- Mommy, don't go! Please don't leave us with daddy! Not funny, Emily.
Too much? - Dad! It's 7:29! I can't be late! I can't be late! I know, Joe.
I know.
Here you go.
Girls, we got to go! We're gonna lose your brother.
Yeah, come on in.
- Hey, Mr.
H.
- Good morning.
- First day of freedom, huh? Must be hard being up at 7:30.
Is anybody else hot? Mary, can you go get Emily, please? Thank you.
Hey, good morning, Marcus.
Hey.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, baby, I got it.
I'm across the street at David's, dropping Mary off at carpool.
It's on the list.
I got it right there.
Uh-oh.
Oh, great.
You sent it again.
I love you.
Hello? I miss work! - Come on, girls! It's 7:32! What's that sound? Let me get the book! Oh, you got it covered.
All right, thanks.
So Amy's going back to work, and you're going to raise the kids? Yeah.
Hey, hey, good luck with that, man, seriously.
Why is this funny to you? David, because people take care of you.
You don't take care of people.
- What? Marcus, you seem to forget that I'm the guy that threw a birthday party for 20 kids with nothing but leftover Christmas candy and stuff I found in a car.
That was on the show, David.
Really? Before you say anything, mom lets me dress this way for school.
Shall we go to the book? Dad, maybe you haven't noticed, but I am a grown woman.
No, you're not.
You're 14! You haven't even gotten your Daddy! I was gonna say driver's license.
Emily! Hey! Why are you so mad at me? Em Emily! Daddy, Dr.
Monkey Chunks is still wet.
I know she's still wet, honey.
Do you have any idea how hard it is putting that stupid little straw inside that stupid little juice box? At work, I had a straw guy.
- I need a snack.
- Me too.
Are you kidding? You want a snack? Janie, you've had six pounds of cheezy chips today.
No more snacks.
I told your mother I'd make you a nice healthy dinner, okay? Oh, damn it, the chicken.
"Allow six hours to defrost"? Aw, come on! I could go to a petting zoo and wring a chicken's neck in six hours.
Daddy, no! Daddy's not gonna killing a chicken, honey.
You know what? We're going to do this.
Put it on high.
And we'll cook and defrost at the same time, and we're right back on schedule, folks.
Just have a snack.
Joe, I need you to take off that toga and wash it for me, okay? I'm little.
I don't know how to wash stuff.
I'm big.
I don't know either.
Check the book.
Emily.
You do not want to go in there, Mr.
H.
Why is she so mad at me? Emily has been waiting the entire semester to talk to Matthew Pearson, a sophomore.
With his own car! And right when that happens, her daddy pulls up in carpool Lane, honking and waving "Emily, hurry.
Janie's got to go pee-pee.
" Who says "pee-pee"? Nobody says "pee-pee"! And bye-bye, Matthew Pearson.
Emily, it's dad.
Hey, listen, I know you thought that you and Chad I mean, um, Matthew would be together forever, but I promise you there's one guy that'll always be there for you no matter what.
Seriously? Quoting your own show? You were home one day, and you ruined my life.
Suck it! Hey, I'm your dad And a three-time emmy nominee.
I never won, but I'm going to get over it.
I deserve some respect.
So, when you decide to show me some respect, I'll be downstairs Sucking it.
Oh, what the cheezy chips? Come on, guys, I told you to have a snack, not throw a super bowl party.
Daddy, I just had a yucky burp.
Oh! Joe, look away.
Do not look at the puke! Joe, look away! Don't don't come on! Daddy, look! Aah! Janie, why is Monkey Chunks in the oven? The chicken was lonely.
I'll save you, David, and David's real family.
Enough! You got it! You got it! Oh, you know what? Go nuts! Oh, great.
Come on, Kevin, more! You missed a couple of spots! Over there! Get the microwave! Joe, daddy's crazy.
Guys, I'm home.
Run, daddy, run! Rough day, dear? Let's just say things didn't go exactly according to plan.
I need my cheezy chips.
What? Come on, tell me what happened sit.
Well, the producers had a few Notes.
- Really? Like what.
Come on, let's go get the mail.
Tell me all about it.
They feel since I've been in a coma for ten years, I should look more well-rested, huh? So let's go take a nap, then.
And that since I've been getting my nutrients from a tube, I should be ten pounds thinner.
Bastards.
They have no right calling you fat.
Fat? Who who said anything about about fat? Am I fat? Do you think I'm fat? Absolutely not, honey.
No, no, no, no.
Oh! Ooh, you're so skinny.
Oh, this is turning me on.
Come on, let's go upstairs.
The kids are - I need my babies.
All these problems will disappear once I see the kids.
I think you overestimate their powers.
Hi, mommy.
Who threw up? Skittables, gooey bears, cheezy chips And a button.
David.
My God, you're likeCSI.
And I've never seen that button in my life.
Kids, go upstairs, clean up, and lay down in our bed, okay? Yeah.
Mommy's side.
Kevin, shoo.
I, for one, would like to consider today my learning curve.
It doesn't matter anymore, David.
I'm quitting the show.
- What? I'm not blaming you.
This was all my fault.
Just you weren't ready for this.
I got this.
I totally got this.
Okay, guys you ready to do this? Daddy, Dr.
Monkey Chunks doesn't like what I'm wearing.
Well, I'm way ahead of you, chunks.
Kevin! - We need Janie's wardrobe.
Copy that.
- That one.
- Let's get Janie changed.
Ready for hair and makeup? Ugh.
Ooh! Feathers! But I'm only doing this for mom! - Amy's coffee? - Amy's coffee.
What's Amy's 20? This isn't a non-fat cap, Bruce! Fix it, Bruce! Fix it! There's your lunch.
Go get your backpack, Joe.
Transpo, you ready for carpool? Transpo's ready.
Amy's on the move.
We need breakfast! Amy's close in five.
Amy's on the move.
- Four - Get her coffee, Kevin.
- Three Two - Lock it down.
- And one.
- Lock it down.
- Morning, honey! - David, wow! Cappuccino? - This is unbelievable.
- I know, right? Uhhuh.
Where are the kids? Tada! Too much? Um, I'll go brush my teeth.
Morning, mom.
What were you doing in the pantry? Organizing canned goods.
David, I can't believe you went to all this trouble.
Come on, honey, for you, anything.
No, I mean, I can't believe you went to all this trouble.
Everyone, that's a wrap! Okay, people, let's break this down.
We got hello, David's real wife.
- Can I get a word? - Sure.
Thanks.
So how'd you figure it out? Your lighting crew caught me, uh, coming out of the shower.
Oh.
Well, I'm not paying 'em, so I guess it's a little bonus.
Honey, I just wanted everything to be perfect for you, okay? The kids and I don't need perfect, David.
We just need you.
Well, I'll tell you what I'll make you a deal.
You don't quit, and I won't quit.
Are you sure? Yeah.
And I promise you this.
Right now we have three living, breathing children.
And when you come home, we'll have something close to that.
Thank you, David.
We're glad you're home.
- Well, not all of you.
- Mm-hmm.
One wrong honk, and suddenly you're public enemy number one.
Oh, honey This isn't about the honking.
Your daughter's had to share you with another family for ten years.
Emily's misses you most of all.
Mom said you wanted to talk to me.
I did.
Sit.
There's good.
Um Emily, I'm sorry That I haven't been here for you.
I mean, I've been here, but I haven't been here.
If you give me the chance, I-I I-I know I think I can be the the dad that you deserve, okay? Okay.
Um So are we good? This is real life, dad.
And in real life, hurt daughters stay angry a lot longer than a commercial break.
See, I didn't know that.
Part of my learning curve.
Can I, um can I get a hug? I know I'm pathetic, but humor me.
Can we get in on that? Yes! Sorry to interrupt, David's real family, but you should really get going.
Joe's got a math test, Janie's got a play date, and today's recycling day.
- How did you know all that? - I read the book.
- He's good.
- Can I keep him? Okay.
Yes!