Selfie (2014) s01e01 Episode Script

Let me take a selfie The funny thing is, people used to call me butt-ugly.
In my 7th-grade yearbook, I was literally voted "most butt.
" So I took a lesson from Corynn McWatters, I blew out my curls and pushed up the girls, corrected my vision, stepped up my nutrition, traded likes for likes, and before long, I was insta-famous.
I have 263,000 friends, followers And insta-quaintances.
Not to mention the love and respect of my co-workers, who happen to be on board.
Got the upgrade, ladies.
Don't be jelly, Linda.
Is that one of ours? Eliza Dooley, - our company's best-performing sales rep? - Yeah.
She's our best sales rep? That can't be true.
That's the magic of the miniskirt no one's immune, including Miller from legal, who happens to be Married, isn't he? She hasn't picked up on that yet.
She's been a little too busy making sure her lipstick matches her thong.
How do you know so much about her lipstick and her thong? I follow her on instagram.
Very classy.
What is this, her breakfast? See, this is exactly what I can't stand.
Social media is this is this giant fingernail scratching this woman's itch for constant attention.
Giant fingernail.
"Oh, look at me.
Something good happened.
#blessed.
" "Oh, look at me.
Something bad happened.
#stillblessed.
" "I'm at the gym.
#gymflow.
" "I'm at work.
#workflow.
" "Oh, I'm standing near a baby.
#babyflow, #circleoflife, #blessed.
" Your volume is really high right now.
Why does her generation feel compelled to tweet every item that goes into their mouths, including Miller from marketing's - Warm nuts? - Thanks.
Thought you could escape me in first class? Eliza, wait.
Look, I know it's intimidating to fall for a girl with a strong pelvic floor and an advertising presence on her Facebook page No, no.
It's not that.
Then what? Devices off.
Seat belts buckled.
He was married? And I just needed to gif my way through that.
Nausea, dizziness, a legit case of ham tongue.
It was either the turbulence or grinder's remorse or a rare combination of the Oh, wow.
That was, uh Are you okay? Can you please move your nuts? Yep.
Married.
You're married.
Why does this crap always happen to So, hey, maybe you should Head to the bathroom now.
I think they've got a toilet in there.
One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do Two can be as bad as one It's the loneliest number since the number one I couldn't tell what sucked more Being drenched in panic pudding at a cruising altitude of 36,000 feet or how many people liked seeing me that way.
Everything okay in there? Not really.
My new boyfriend is someone else's husband.
I barfed all over my Louboutins.
The plane is full of my co-workers.
And now I'm stranded in here, naked and afraid.
Oh.
Ma'am, I'm afraid I'm gonna need you to vacate the lav.
Okay.
I'll vacate your lav, but can you at least grab me an extra stewardess outfit? I probably wouldn't do the little lady tie, but the skirt, yes, and the button-down, certainly.
And why not? Sure the vest.
Ma'am, this is not a department store.
There are no extra outfits.
Carol-June, straight up, now, tell me What would you do if you were me? I'd keep doing what you're doing.
I mean, is this cardio barre or pilates? - You look fantastic.
- Thank you.
But what if you didn't want to show this off? It's amazing what you can do with three in-flight blankets tied sarong-style.
I fly like paper, get high like planes If you catch me at the border, I got visas in my name if you come around here I'd spent years laughing At stupid idiots on the Internet.
And now that stupid idiot was me.
Hold the elevator! Hold! Even if you are in a passionless marriage, it doesn't mean adultery is okay.
Okay, you know what I wasn't in the mood for? A lecture from my hipster-crite neighbor bryn.
She's the worst With her nail art and her chevron stripes and her non-prescription prescription glasses and her bffs who love to diy and their top knots and Peter Pan collars and cross body bags.
It's weird.
She defines herself by her sexuality, but I actually think it's the least interesting thing about her.
Okay, first of all, I had no idea he was married when we engaged in gland-to-gland combat, and second of all, I get super horny when I travel, and that's not my fault that's science.
Um We weren't talking about you.
We were discussing "fear of flying.
" By Erica Jong.
We're a book club.
I know that.
How stupid do you think I am? I tried sending an S.
O.
Text to my own friends to see if anyone would bring me a ginger ale But no luck.
Is there a market close to me that delivers? I found five markets.
Two of them are fairly close to you.
When Siri is the only person who's there for you It kind of makes you realize being friended is not the same thing as having friends.
- So, any plans for the weekend? - No.
So, no girlfriend.
I'm just trying to determine if it's your utter lack of personal connections that makes you so good at your job.
I find it rather easy not to form personal connections in a city that only values wireless connection.
- Mm.
Good morning.
How are you? - Yes? - Good morning.
How are you? - I was dreading going into work.
- Good morning.
How are you? - Hi.
So I waited until the coast was clear, like Katy Perry's skin on proactiv.
Oh.
I missed one.
Good morning, and how are you? - Did you hear? - No.
B.
F.
B.
S Got played like "flappy bird".
Mortified.
com.
Then hurled, overslept, O.
D.
'D on the bean, contracted legit hamster breath.
Ugh.
And now I'm hella-late for the staff meeting.
Okay.
Well, have a nice day.
I was praying the whole company had forgotten about my epic fail Or, at the very least, was willing to make like Elsa and "let it go.
" All right, everybody, settle down.
Bring it home, everybody.
Beautiful.
Good.
Now, as you all know, this company took a Major hit when our best-selling pediatric nasal spray was pulled from the shelves for causing satanic hallucinations.
Ah, allegedly.
"Allegedly" is right.
Nonetheless, the product was recalled and reformulated.
But whether or not we could regain the market's trust was Tbd.
But now, thanks to one man, it's a big, fat "d"! Henry, you loon, get up here! Come on, Henry! Come on.
Yeah! We love this guy.
Don't worry I'm not gonna make out with you.
I'm not gonna make out.
I lied about that.
Mmm! You know, I read an article that said Asian men are more comfortable kissing on the mouth as a sign of friendship.
They're not, no.
Mm.
All right, well, I'll forward it to you.
Thank you.
It's good.
Folks, this man did the impossible.
He took a product whose reputation had been badly tarnished and rebranded it as a product that consumers could once again love and trust.
Okay, if that dude in the vest could remarket our nasal spray, he could definitely remarket me.
And I love and trust you.
Mm.
I love and trust you, too, sir.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Take a moment.
You're, uh, coming to my daughter's wedding this weekend, right? Oh, I wouldn't miss it for the world, sir.
Good.
Good.
Bring a date.
You're always alone.
It's kind of weird.
- I wouldn't call it weird.
- It is.
It is.
What are you doing in my office? I'm Eliza, I work in sales, and it recently came to my attention that I have poor instincts, a weak stomach, no real friends, and Loose sexual morals? Have we met? If they make you EVP, I'm gonna murd Oh, sorry.
I see you have company.
She was just leaving.
No, I wasn't.
I'm not leaving until you say you'll help me.
But you can't be helped.
You are addicted to the instant gratification of unearned adulation from a group of perfect strangers you insist on referring to as your "friends.
" Our nasal spray caused satanic hallucinations, and you fixed that.
Come on.
I just want to change my image.
- You mean be a better person? - Or that.
Look, I'm not trying to, like, tug at your heartstrings or whatever, but I threw up really hard.
Like, my abs still hurt from throwing up that hard.
And I don't know if either of you have ever thrown up that hard #thestruggle.
But it really makes you think.
Makes you think what? I'm genuinely dying to know.
When I was sick, not one person called to see if I was okay, and I don't know why.
People used to hate me because I was butt.
Butt-ugly aesthetically challenged.
But I'm not butt anymore.
Eliza, I'm sure you're aware it is possible to be beautiful on the outside and still butt on the inside.
Like Gwyneth Paltrow.
Okay, you need to go.
What? No.
No, please.
Look, I know.
I know you don't like me.
But if you don't like me, then just change me.
Just change me.
I don't like you.
But I can change you.
Okay, please tell me you're not actually considering this.
If we change your packaging Her "packaging"? Alter her formula.
- She's not a pharmaceutical product.
- Shh! And yet, the same principles apply.
If we just if we soften her palette, improve her taste, expand her market, I can transform this vapid Uh, despised social-media-obsessed narcissist into a valued and respected woman of stature.
Like Linda.
Like Linda.
Only prettier.
The next day, we got right to work.
I'll need your implicit trust.
That means you do anything and everything I say, even if it seems unorthodox.
Totally, just no backdoor stuff.
Okay, that that's come here.
That's another thing you mustn't misinterpret my professional interest as romantic interest because, I assure you, there isn't any.
Oh, got it.
Got it.
We're just friends.
We're not we're not friends.
And it's important to me that you acknowledge that.
Fine.
We're not friends, and you're a gay dude.
I'm I am not a gay dude.
Just go about your day as you normally would.
- Good morning.
How are you? - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
That bald dude from the 12th floor took total fart blanche in the elevator, so if you catch a whiff of something, it's residual him not me.
LOL.
- May I point something out? - Yeah.
Every day, you greet Eliza, do you not? I sure do.
I check in with everybody.
And in the entire time that you've worked here, has Eliza ever once asked how you are doing? You know the first thing about this woman? Do you, uh Do you even know her name? Charmonique.
What? Charmonique.
Ch ch Charmon charmonique.
Charmonique.
Like "Monique," but with a "Char.
" Okay, but, in my defense, that's not a real name.
- Hmm?! - Lesson number one Each and every morning as you pass by Charmonique's desk, I want you to ask how she's doing.
Totes.
Coolio.
- Donezo.
- Let's start now.
Okay.
Open your lips and repeat after me "How are you?" How are you? How are you? Go-o-o-od.
Then, if you will, a follow-up question For example, "How'd you sleep last night?" You know what? Not great.
But that's because I had my See, he has sleep apnea, so Did you hear that? Put the phone down.
Off your phone.
Apparently, Charmonique and her son didn't sleep well last night.
Now it's your turn to say something sympathetic.
I'm really glad I don't have kids.
You're not slurping.
We're making pleasant conversation.
We are not on our phones.
We are looking into each other's eyes and giving one another our undivided attention.
Good.
I'd like you to answer these questions as honestly as you possibly can.
"The thing I'm most soothed by in life is" The sound of gentle rain against windows or medium rain against rooftop with overspill from gutters.
I have a rain app on my phone.
That's pathetic.
Please delete it.
It's free.
"The thing I'm most confused by is" Plus-size skinny jeans.
It's like, why? Okay.
Class dismissed.
Uh, wait.
Wait.
I almost forgot.
I'm giving you an assignment.
Ooh! Sam Saperstein's daughter is getting married, and I'd like you to attend the event with me.
I think it'll be a chance to show the higher-ups a side of yourself other than the back one.
Write this down.
Okay.
Makeup should be light, your dress less tight.
Hair should be tame, your face softly framed.
No 6-inch heels, no cleavage revealed.
Nothing coarse, nothing sleazy, and bring a wrap in case it's breezy.
With my credit cards maxed and my own clothes too slutty, I had no choice other than to ask a friend for help.
But all the girls I knew were either drunk or at soulcycle, which left Hold the elevator! Bryn.
Bryn, I am so screwed.
I have this work wedding, and I don't have anything appropriate to wear.
And if you help me, I swear will never anonymously complain to management about your book club again.
I knew that was you! You are lucky "make-unders" are my everything.
Bryn was on board.
What I didn't realize was that meant the rest of her book club was on board, too.
Hi! Hi! Come in.
Come in.
How about the peach one? - Ooh! - Oh.
Oh, yeah, I love the peach one, but it might be small in the bust.
Oh, because of these? Oh, no, these aren't real.
Still, it might be tight in the rear.
Oh, because of this? Oh, no, this isn't real.
Okay.
We might be in business now.
Take a seat.
Were you planning on doing your own hair and makeup? Because I don't think that's a good idea.
As wren cleaned out the litter box of my cat who died six months ago and eyelet dumped my old lo mein into the trash, I had to wonder is this what friends do for each other? Rah, rah, rah-ah-ah Roma roma ma Ga-ga-ooh-la-la Want your bad romance I want your love and I want your revenge You and me could write a bad romance Whoa-oh-oh, oh-oh, I want your love These girls really knew how to get ready.
You and me could write a bad romance Oh, whoa-oh, oh-oh Oh Hi.
Hi.
Wow.
You are Wearing an enormous amount of fragrance.
Can't you say anything nice? Well, had you employed a lighter touch Never mind.
Let me just grab the tiniest purse known to man, and then we can go.
Whoa.
- My, that is wee.
- Yeah.
You don't even want to know where I had to stash my phone.
No phones.
No no no wedding selfies.
Today's about focusing on a beauty other than your own.
Is there something funny? You just called me beautiful.
- I absolutely didn't.
- You indirectly did.
Henry, who is this beautiful girl on your arm? Sir, this is Eliza Dooley.
She works in sales.
Eliza Dooley.
Wow.
Uh, Eliza, you you, uh you look amazing.
Right? - "Thank you.
" - Thank you.
- "How are you?" - How are you? - Good! - Good! And now, in lieu of vows, Maureen will recite a poem she wrote for Terrance.
If I'm the fire, you're the spark.
If I'm the nest, you're my lark.
If I'm the lock, you're the key.
If I am hook, you are smee.
- Did she say "smee"? - Yes, I believe so.
If I'm the eye, you're the tear.
If I am bagel, you're my schmear.
Why would she be bagel? It's unclear.
Shh! If I'm the dark, you're the light.
If I'm Ben Franklin, you're my Kite.
If I am nordstrom, you're the rack.
If I'm a net As I listened to Maureen recite those crazy vows, it hit me I might get thousands of likes and retweets and favorites, but it's entirely possible that no one will ever look at me the way Terrance was looking at her.
And I'd give up forever to touch you 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow So I did what I guess I've always done when I needed To distract myself from my feelings.
Do you, Terrance, take Maureen to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to ho Sorry.
S Thought it was on silent.
I'm not used to paying attention to super-boring long stuff, okay? No, it's not okay.
It's not just yourself you embarrassed.
- I specifically said no phones.
- Okay, okay! God.
Haven't you ever made a mistake before?! - Yeah, I have when I agreed to help you.
- Oh, really? Are you helping me, or am I helping you? Don't think I didn't notice you didn't have a date for this event.
And literally anyone else in the world would have been a better choice.
So you admit it.
Ah.
I And it's no surprise you don't have a date, because you are an unfun man.
"Unfun" is not a word.
And according to your ex-girlfriend's blog, - that's why she broke up with you, so - My ex-girlfriend? Did you Google me? Don't you dare Google me! I was just confirming what I already know You're a holier-than-thou, antisocial, judgmental, hypercritical, workaholic Coxcomb! Oh, I'm a coxcomb? Well, you, my dear, are a lost cause.
Super mean! The next day, I decided I was done socializing and back to social networking because the real world sucks.
You have a good night, now.
You, too, Charmon Oh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, where's your mom? She went to go rinse my lunchbox out.
You gonna let her get some sleep tonight? No.
But you know what? We got him one of them sleep-apnea masks.
Come on, Kevin.
Let's go.
He looks like Bane, but he sleeps like a baby.
"I was born in the darkness.
" Why'd Bane sound like the pepperidge farm guy? I don't know, but he did.
Hold up.
Did we just have a friendly exchange that had nothing to do with you? I think we did.
Well, whatever you're doing with Mr.
Man, it's working, okay? Henry? Henry? Henry? I can see you.
You live in a glass house.
Henry! Please open this door right now.
Oh.
You opened.
This is the exit for my home.
Excuse me.
Oh, come on.
You you were leaving? Yes, I was.
Henry, wait.
Wait.
Um I'm not a lost cause.
What you're doing with me it's working.
I wasn't on my phone because I was bored.
- That wedding gave me feels, and - "Feels.
" And that scared me, and I like, I lashed out and I called you a coxcomb, which was probably an incorrect use of the word.
No.
Uh, I looked it up.
It's archaic, but it's dead on.
Okay.
Sounded a little bit like an apology.
And I'm sorry, too.
Hey.
Medium rainfall on roof with gentle overspill from gutters It's your favorite, isn't it? No.
Eliza, don't.
You think that you're getting it But you are, in fact, missing it.
And what about you do you get it? I get it.
You don't get it.
I get it.
You don't get it.
I don't think you get it.
You don't think that I'm getting it? I think I should tell you how to get it! Oh! Something told me it had been a while since anyone gave Henry a push And sometimes, we all need a push.
See? I get it.
I get it.
Oh! See, this is exactly the kind of thing that we need to work on.
It's not funny when someone gets injured.
Henry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You're totally right.
I'll work on that, I swear.
Ow, ow, ow, ow! Sorry.
- Okay, that's tomorrow's lesson.
- Got it.
- Showing compassion for others.
- Great.
And after that, you can come with me to soulcycle.
Yeah, I'm not going with you to soulcycle.
- Don't you want a rock-hard ass? - Uh, no, I don't.
Everything okay in there? Not really.
My new boyfriend is someone else's husband.
You're married? The plane is full of my co-workers.
And now I'm stranded in here, naked and afraid.
Is that one of ours? Come on, Henry.
I know you don't like me.
I just want to change my image.
- You mean be a better person? - Or that.
Eliza, don't.
You are addicted to instant gratification.
You think that you're getting it But you are, in fact, missing it.
You're coming to my daughter's wedding? Bring a date.
I'd like you to attend the event with me.
Wow.
- You, my dear, are a lost cause.
- I'm not a lost cause.
What you're doing with me it's working.
We might be in business now.