She-Hulk: Attorney at Law (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

What is the responsibility
of those with power?
Do they merely have
an obligation to refrain
from the misuse of that power?
Or do they have a duty to
protect those without it?
Two rhetorical questions.
The defendant used their
limitless resources,
political and monetary,
for financial gain
at the expense of public safety,
- causing the deaths of innocent people.
- It's so wordy.
They did this because they believed
they would not be held accountable.
That their power shielded them
from very real consequences.
But today, you, the jury,
can prove that's not the case.
More smiles.
Show them that they
will be held accountable,
because those with the most power
have the most to answer for.
And you win the case.
And you are not helpful here at all.
This is gonna land
better coming from me.
Plenty of time to switch things
up and let me do the closing.
Dennis, you don't know
but I will kill you
and Jen won't prosecute.
So I will get away with it.
It's a conflict of interest. I
don't condone murder. Bye, Dennis.
You're gonna listen to a
paralegal over a lawyer?
Yeah.
- This is unprofessional.
- That was so good.
- It was so good.
- Seriously?
How you used the weight of civic
duty during your closing argument?
I almost cried during parts of it.
Now top it off with a
savage Jen Walters look.
What? I don't have a
savage Jen Walters look.
There it is.
- That was perfect.
- Okay. Really?
- Do you think so?
- Yes. Come on.
It's amazing. It's so great.
Jen, there is a reason why you were
handpicked to go
against GLK and H, okay?
The leveling up is
happening. This is good.
My little genius is gonna be
a district attorney one day.
Ah, maybe one day, but
right now I just need to
- stick the landing on this case.
- You will.
And if it doesn't go our
way, you can just Hulk out?
Blow everyone's minds?
Well, the only Hulking out I'm
gonna do is in the legal sense.
Oh, no, Jen.
- No?
- No, that's not funny, Jen.
- I only tell it to you.
- Yeah.
One sec.
Yeah, about that. Um,
it's true. I am a Hulk.
Uh, and I'm guessing
you won't be able to
focus on this fun lawyer show
until you know all about that.
So, let me get you up to speed.
A few months ago, I went on a
road trip with my cousin Bruce.
Yeah, and it worked. I
mean, my arm started to heal.
- No one thought it was
- Yes, that Bruce.
It's all because I
made this little device
which keeps me in human form.
That was the longest answer
to "what've you been
up to" I've ever heard.
Well, you asked me, so I answered.
What's up with this?
- Cheetos and chopsticks?
- Yes.
So you don't get Cheetos fingers.
My God. That's really smart.
You're not the only
genius in the family.
No, there's also Ched.
Okay. So, back to what I
was saying before, my theory.
- Oh, God.
- Um,
Steve Rogers did not have a girlfriend
before he went into the service.
- Says who?
- The History Channel.
So, he becomes Captain America.
And from that moment
on, a symbol of America,
he is rushed to the frontlines,
he becomes a war hero.
- Then he is frozen in ice.
- Right.
So, based on everything you've told me,
after he gets unfrozen, he goes
from world-threatening disaster
to world-threatening disaster.
That's when he's not a
fugitive from the law, right?
So it seems like he
was pretty, pretty busy.
All you're doing is repeating everything
that I've told you about
my friend and colleague.
Obviously, Captain America was a virgin.
Look out!
Bruce.
Bruce.
Okay.
Okay.
No, Jen. Jen, I'm bleeding.
The inhibitor.
Jen, get away from me. I'm bleeding.
Get away.
Ooh!
Girl, what happened to you?
Who did this to you?
Are you okay?
No judgments. Whoever did this
to you does not care about you.
You do not need him. Or her. Or them.
You need shoes. This
is a public bathroom.
Right. I got some here.
Take these. Right there.
Put this on.
Oh, thank you. But I just
need to get cleaned up.
No need to put makeup on me.
- Yes, you do.
- Do you have anywhere to go?
I have to call my cousin to get
me. Can I borrow somebody's phone?
Here. Sure. Here you go.
- All right, we're out.
- Ladies' night was a bust.
- Take care, guys.
- Where we goin', fellas?
- I don't know. He has the keys.
- Hey.
What's up?
- How you doin'?
- Fine. Thank you.
You with anyone?
- I'm waiting for my ride.
- What's your name?
- I think my boyfriend's coming.
- Oh, come on. Where you going?
Let us keep you company.
Hey, we're just being friendly.
- Yeah. Where you going?
- So what? You too good to talk to us?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Good morning.
Sorry. I thought I'd
get a little work done.
You're Hulk again.
Smart Hulk.
Wow.
Yeah. I didn't come up with it.
You never have a
choice with these names.
Where are we?
Mexico.
Don't worry. I talked to your
parents. They know we're okay.
This is where I spent
The Blip fixing myself
and integrating the
Hulk-Banner identities.
In this tiny beach house lab.
Yeah. Tony built it
for me a few years ago.
- Tony Stark.
- Oh, right, right, right.
He used to joke that it was a loaner,
and that one day he'd just
swing by and take it back.
You okay?
Wait.
- Did we hit a spaceship?
- Yeah.
Sakaaran Class-Eight courier craft.
Probably trying to deliver a message.
I gotta get to the bottom of that.
You know, weird stuff just kinda
finds you when you're a Hulk.
But first, we gotta deal with you.
Me? What happened to me?
I changed.
Look.
I'm sorry.
I tried to warn you.
My blood got into your system,
and after the wreck, you got a
lethal dose of gamma radiation.
Lethal?
As in I'm gonna die?
No, there is more to it
that I'm going to explain.
That is not the sentence
- to take a pause on, Bruce!
- Okay.
Look. Look.
You and I, we share a rare
combination of genetic factors
that allow us to
synthesize gamma radiation
into somethin' else.
So I turn into a Hulk now, too.
I've been analyzing your blood.
And the way it synthesized gamma,
I was able to use it to
completely heal my arm.
Oh.
Because I'm better than you?
Mmm. It's basically different.
In a better way.
In conclusion, my arm is healed
and now I'm able to be my
fully integrated self again.
Smug Hulk.
Smart Hulk.
Well, it's pretty smug
to call yourself smart.
I didn't come up with it.
You use it. Implied endorsement.
Don't lawyer me.
So, now that I've actually
analyzed your blood samples
It's a bit dramatic.
It's way too dangerous
to get out in the world,
even if there's only a millionth percent
chance that it makes another one of us.
Okay. You've analyzed everything.
Now fix me. Get me back to normal.
Jen, this is not goin' away.
What do you mean?
Give me that little device thing
that you had that kept you as Bruce.
That device was a prototype.
- It was calibrated to me
- Great. Make me one.
For me. Calibrate it to me.
- I can't do it, Jen.
- Yes, you can.
Jen, I have been struggling
with this for years.
The best that I could do
was merge my two halves.
Give it time in the lab, we could
possibly do the same for you.
No. No. I don't want to be a Hulk.
God. I just got my own office.
- This is it.
- I have business cards.
There is no goin' back
to what you were before.
Oh, what?
Jen, what is it? What do you need?
I need
You feeling better?
Listen
I know this is hard to hear,
but you're gonna have to change
the way you live your life now.
Avoid stressful situations,
stay away from people and
I can't stay away from people.
How am I supposed to work?
You can't go back to your job.
You stay here until you figure
out how to control your Hulk self.
Well, how long is that gonna take?
This is a multi-year journey
you're about to embark on,
on coming to terms with being the Hulk.
I traced all of my steps
through my evolution.
I never thought that it would end
up being a syllabus, but here we are.
Now, with my help, hopefully,
your progress will go a
little bit faster than mine.
You said "multi-year"?
About 15 years, give or take.
Fifteen years?
Our top priority is to
control when you turn.
I thought the point was to prevent
me from turning into a Hulk.
These transformations are triggered
by distressed emotional states
so we need to know the exact
threshold that causes it for you.
Ooh! Put on a Pixar movie.
When Bing Bong jumps out of
the wagon in Inside Out.
Bing Bong. No. No.
Stop.
I need to focus.
The triggers are anger and fear.
Those are, like, the baseline
of any woman just existing.
All right. Let's try this.
Bruce.
It kinda feels like if I
don't transform, I'm gonna die.
Do you have a plan B for that?
- No.
- No?
Ha-ha. Not funny, Bruce.
What, you're just gonna kill me?
- Put the helmet on! We need the data!
- This isn't gonna work!
What do you normally use this
chamber for, you psychopath?
Yes! Yes. Yes.
No. No.
No, no, no.
No.
No. No. No.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Easy, girl. Easy.
Easy.
Why are you talking to
me like I'm a stray horse?
Jen?
Yeah?
Wait. You're still Jen right now?
Yeah.
And I'm conscious.
This is incredible. You
don't have an alter ego.
You're the only one in there?
As far as I can tell.
This is huge, Jen.
I think I'm jealous.
Is that what I'm feeling? I'm feeling
You don't have another guy
to wrestle with for 10 years.
Cool.
Bruh.
You know, that's about
a million dollars'
worth of damage back there, by the way.
You really don't feel like
there's another hand
on the wheel at all?
No.
It's just me.
The first time, it was so intense I
could barely remember
what was happening,
but now it's like it settled in.
Hmm. Well,
I guess we can just skip all that, then.
Yeah, kinda seems like I'm done here.
Not so fast.
You still can't control
when you transform.
Okay, so how do I turn back into Jen?
How did you do it?
Usually, I fall out of a jet
or I get knocked out by a robot,
and I'd wake up as Banner.
Or Natasha, for a little
while, would tell me a lullaby.
Walk me through how that worked, again.
I don't have a great explanation for it.
Okay, it seems like the common
thread, though, is being unconscious.
Not necessarily.
One time, I was stuck as the
other guy for over two years.
That was in outer space.
No, I can't stay like
this for two years.
I said "one time."
Whoa.
You have so much more to
learn about being a Hulk.
I don't think you have thought through
how dangerous this level of power is.
Do you know the damage you can cause?
I mean, one mistake,
one freak-out is
literally life or death.
Okay, I'll be careful.
You can't be emotional.
Forget Hulk rage.
Just regular anger means death
and destruction for everything
and everyone around you.
And I'm telling you, when people
start seeing you as a monster,
that never goes away.
Fine.
Teach me how to Hulk, please.
Dialectical behavioral therapy.
It allows us to hold two
opposing truths at the same time.
First, we're gonna
practice some mindfulness
with a few yoga techniques.
I never thought you'd be into
all this mind-body-spirit stuff.
Dialectical behavioral therapy
is an evidence-based psychotherapy.
It's clinical, not spiritual.
Let your thoughts drift
away, relax your neck,
bend your knees if that's comfortable,
hold in your farts.
Namaste, all day.
It's more about presence.
About accepting the situation you're in.
Oh, I thought it was about
getting my butt tight as hell.
Up top.
Gross, Jen. I'm your cousin.
Close your eyes and breathe.
Wow.
I can see that you're not ready for DBT,
so why don't you get some rest,
and we'll change tactics in the morning?
Wow.
Jesus. What the hell, man?
Still in control? No
overwhelming feelings of rage?
No, a normal amount of rage!
You do revert back to
Jen form when you sleep.
Was the airhorn really necessary?
For comedy, absolutely.
So, you're gonna need to
reinforce all your furniture.
Don't even think about moving
to a place with less
than ten-foot ceilings.
Trust me.
You're gonna need two wardrobes,
one for Jen and one for your Hulk body.
Who's your best friend?
Nikki.
Spandex.
Spandex is your best friend.
Boulder toss. Just gonna toss
a boulder. It's not a big deal.
- Me?
- Yeah, just grab a little boulder,
and take it easy on this first one.
Yes!
Yeah, yeah.
Hi-yah!
- Very good.
- Just trying to show ya how it's done.
- Well, I'm shown.
- Yeah?
Men! Men!
Being a Hulk asks for balance.
Ground pound!
It's easy.
Little punk.
Dick move.
Completely.
So, I'm clearly nailing
it at all of these things,
when am I ever going
to use this as a lawyer?
Jen, when you have powers like this,
it's like putting a target on your back
and all the people you care about.
Cool. Yet another way my life is ruined.
- Thanks, Bruce.
- All right.
All I've been doin' is showin'
you the downsides of being a Hulk,
but there are a few upsides.
Our bodies metabolize alcohol
at an incredibly fast rate.
Which means that we can drink
so much and not get drunk.
All buzz, no barf.
That's good.
- You built this bar by hand?
- Oh, yeah.
- That's impressive.
- Yeah, me and Tony.
Well, Tony mostly drank,
just sat around, like,
complaining about Steve.
Oh, Steve.
It was a good time during a hard time.
To a good time during a hard time.
Drink to that.
Bruce, you failed to mention that
I'd have to deal with
a Hulk-sized hangover.
Ah, I'll have to put it in the binder.
Ow!
I'll see you out there.
Hear the waves breaking.
Feel the breaths. No judgment.
So, when do you think I can leave here?
Let's just focus on each
day as they come, Jen.
I mean,
I legitimately do have
a life to get back to.
I know I've been pushing
you through a lot,
but being a superhero
is a trial by fire.
Bruce, I'm not gonna be a superhero.
What else ya gonna do as a Hulk?
Return to my career that I
have spent years building,
use my law degree that
I'm still paying off
a fortune in student loans for.
It's not one or the other, Jen.
I am trying to show you
that we can live between
what we want and what is.
But we can't pretend like we aren't
two of the few people on Earth
that can actually protect her.
Which is why we have to make sure
of your ability to tolerate the stress
and regulate your emotions,
especially your anger.
Here's the thing, Bruce. I'm
great at controlling my anger.
- Hmm.
- I do it all the time.
When I'm catcalled in the street,
when incompetent men explain
my own area of expertise to me.
I do it pretty much every
day because if I don't,
I will get called
emotional, or difficult,
or might just literally get murdered.
So I'm an expert at controlling my anger
because I do it
infinitely more than you.
So all of this just feels like
projecting a lot of shit onto me.
See?
No. I'm doing this.
Okay, this is completely new territory.
I guess I've outgrown your binder, cuz.
Love you, Bruce, but I'm going home.
All right.
Jen, why are you runnin' away?
- Jen.
- I'm gonna borrow the Jeep,
take it back to LA, and you
can pick it up at my place.
Jen, stop.
Just stop and think it
through for a minute.
This is all I've been
thinking about, Bruce.
I did your dialectical behavior
therapy, I can change back and forth,
and I'm happy to now
get back to my life.
I know you didn't ask for this,
but whether you like it or
not, you're now a superhero.
And who's gonna protect the
world if it isn't people like us?
Are you quoting a comic right now?
I'm sorry. The idea of being a
superhero is not appealing to me.
I'm not you.
And I'm not gonna become you.
I don't need to join some secret
government contractor squad
and have my entire
life taken away from me.
- My life wasn't taken away.
- Really?
Oh, so you didn't wind up alone,
hiding away on some remote beach
with no friends, no relationships,
never seeing your family,
and definitely not dealing
with a decade's worth of trauma?
Why would you want that for me, Bruce?
You're a cautionary tale.
That's the price you have to
pay for keeping the world safe.
It's not wrong that I am
choosing to help people
in the way that I've always wanted to.
I spent a lifetime running
from this aspect of myself.
Denying half of your being
is no way to live, trust me.
- Goodbye.
- Okay.
- What do you think you're doing?
- I'm asking you to reconsider.
Done. Yes, I've reconsidered.
I'm still leaving.
Jen, don't you dare.
I'm serious.
You're not the only one!
What, you think you can just
say mean things and take off?
Yes!
Jen!
Bruce?
Dick move.
I learned it from you.
See, Jen, you're doing the best
you can, and you can do better.
Enough dialectical behavioral bullshit!
For the record, I really
didn't wanna do this.
Okay, I wanted to do it a little.
Why wouldn't you listen to someone
who's been through all of this before?
Because we're different people!
- Lunkhead!
- Dummy!
That's all you got?
Ah!
Uh-oh.
My bar!
Sorry.
You're fixing it.
So, if you wanna go back to your
life as a lawyer, I respect that.
Thanks.
He doesn't mean that.
- Mmm.
- Mmm-hmm.
Hmm? Mmm.
Oh.
Just so you know, I'm the
only other person in the world
that knows what you're going through.
I know.
So, call me anytime.
Thank you, Bruce. Thanks for everything.
Aw!
And I'm sorry that I said a bunch
of harsh but very true things.
Wow, an apology that still doubles down
on a thing you're apologizing for.
That's very lawyerly.
Yeah, I'm a much better
lawyer than I am a Hulk.
Mmm. Now who's smug?
Look.
You change your mind,
door never closes.
Thanks.
See you at the next family dinner.
See ya, fuzzball.
So that's how it all happened.
And no crazy Hulk stuff since.
So, now my family knows, and
Nikki knows, and you know.
Basically, I was right,
and Bruce was wrong,
and I never have to be a Hulk.
Okay. So, now I'm
gonna go win this case.
Lawyer show.
I ask you to look only
at the facts of this case.
You'll see that my client
was well within his right
to protect his business interest.
These accidental deaths
were an unfortunate byproduct
of an ambitious expansion plan.
Did my client know lives
would be endangered?
That is debatable and depends
on your definition of knowing.
Don't screw this up, Walters.
Ms Walters, your closing argument?
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury
Oh, my God!
Seal the door!
Don't move.
You need to do your thing.
- Stop resisting.
- Right now in front of everybody?
Yes, yes.
Come on.
Civic duty.
Jen. Come on.
Oh, God, I really like this outfit.
Help! Help!
Jen. Shoes.
- Right. Thank you.
- Okay.
Who the hell are you?
Jennifer Walters, attorney at law.
I'm ready to give my
closing argument now.
It's just so sad.
Steve Rogers did so much for his country
and he never got to experience sex.
Did you see that ass?
Like, that ass did not
deserve to die a virgin.
It's, like, so sad.
Steve Rogers is not a virgin.
He lost his virginity to a
girl in 1943 on the USO tour.
Yes. I knew it.
You're not drunk?
Captain America