Shoresy (2022) s01e01 Episode Script


[ROCK MUSIC]
Bonjour tout le monde et bienvenue.
Anik Archambault here for BROdude Energy
with another edition of Questionable Call,
the show where we take
your unconventional
hockey questions to the people
who know the game best.
On today's panel, we've got
Olympic hockey gold medallist
and TSN personality, Tessa Bonhomme.
- Hi, Anik.
- From the juggernaut
Spittin' Chiclet's podcast,
Mr. Brian McGonagle,
AKA Rear Admiral, but best known
around the hockey world
as simply RA.
Thanks for joining us.
Merci for having me, Anik.
And last, and least,
the big shot
- Big shot?
- Formerly of Fox Sports 1.
And I think you mean last
but now least, Anik.
No. Host of Sportscentre
with mister Jay "Onray".
- That's Onrait.
- Mr. Jay "Onray".
A little language barrier there, I think.
It's fine.
Today's first question comes
from John and Nancy Larocque
of Strathroy, Ontario, and they ask,
"What's the dirtiest play in hockey?"
Tessa, we'll start with you.
Look, I don't know if it's the dirtiest,
but it's definitely top three.
Gotta be the slew-foot.
You're gonna take my feet out
from underneath me,
I'm definitely making you eat the lumber.
You know what's like slew-footing,
but way more irritating?
Didn't ask yet, Jay. RA?
Bruins fans are forever scarred
for what Ulf Samuelsson did to
our lord and saviour Cam Neely.
So, going knee on knee is
the dirtiest play in hockey.
- Jay?
- Yes. The dirtiest--
We'll get to you right after me.
The dirtiest play in hockey is submarining.
The dirtiest?
You line up a guy and he's up here.
By the time you make contact,
he's down here.
That's dirty.
I'd argue that taking a run
into the numbers
is dirtier than that but--
- ANIK: No one asked you yet!
- JAY: No one asked me yet!
- Jay.
- Anik.
What's the dirtiest play in hockey?
Yes. Last but not least,
if it's the dirtiest play off the ice,
it's certainly the dirtiest play on the ice.
Sucker punching.
Slew-foot, submarine, sucker punch.
Is that the Brad Marchand hat trick?
Hey. You want 300 career goals,
a Stanley Cup,
All-Star year,
you gotta do what you gotta do.
Question number two comes from the staff
at Saint Sacrement Tavern in Montreal, Quebec.
"Who is the dirtiest player of all time?"
- OK. Hold on.
I'm sure you guys
all have your own answers for this.
- Pronger.
- Ciccarelli.
- Samuelsson.
- Look, fair.
But I covered
the National Senior Championship
a couple of years ago.
Lady, gents,
the dirtiest player by far
of all time is a dude called--
- Shoresy?
- Who?
- Shoresy.
- Him.
Shoresy.
Yeah, I watched the coverage
of that National Senior Championship,
if he's that dirty all the time
- Like how dirty?
- Well, he's gonna get ya.
He doesn't care who you are.
He doesn't even have to be on the ice.
- So he's a pest.
- Well, with pests,
they always say you love them
if they were on your team but
Mm, no.
His stick budget must be stupid
because he breaks one or two
a game over something.
Or someone.
I texted Biz and Whit
to get the load on on this guy,
and a couple of their boys
played with him back in the day.
And Biz says, "Nothing personal here,
but apparently he cries a lot.
During the anthem,
it's full water works city
like he's watching Beaches
or something."
- And that's just--
- I'm not done yet.
"He also likes to take a shit
before every game
and also between every period."
As I was saying,
that's just the on-ice stuff.
The off-ice stuff,
from what I'm told, is crazy.
- How crazy?
- His patented move was going up
behind guys when they're hanging
a piss at the urinal,
bouncing their heads off the wall,
called that thing a potty-kiss.
- Tabarnak.
- He does this thing
that just drove me nuts
during interviews too,
where he'd ask a question,
then right after he'd go, "Huh?"
- Huh?
- Look, we'll try, OK?
I'm gonna ask you a question,
you answer it, OK?
Allons-y.
Don't you think hockey
is getting a little soft?
- Well, I--
- Huh?!
- Je comprends.
- Where's this guy now?
I was at a golf tournament
with the Foligno's this summer
and they said he was playing senior
way up north in their town.
- That's my town.
- Sudbury?
- Born and raised, baby.
Sudbury, Ontario.
Probably one of the toughest
towns you'll ever be in.
Bertuzzi's from up there.
There's an impossible amount
of good-looking girls
- in Sudbury.
- Take a lap, Jay.
There's a four-team senior
league up in the area.
Wait, so they only play
three other teams all year?
The Northern Ontario
Senior Hockey Organization.
Otherwise known as the NOSHO.
Can you imagine how much those
guys want to kill each other?
Well, Shoresy's a killer!
Sounds like he's in the right place.
Yup. Senior hockey hell.
[RAP MUSIC]
[BUZZER]
- OK boys, alright, alright!
Everyone just listen up, OK?
Tons of positives out there tonight, boys.
- Tons of fucking positives.
- Michaels is right, boys,
- always a silver lining.
- That's a good team out there,
boys, that is a great fucking team.
Core group's been together a long time.
And we battled 'em, boys,
we fucking battled them.
- A couple of bounces--
- OK, we got 'em one more time
this season.
One more time and I can promise you all,
we are gonna get them boys!
[LOUD FARTING]
Shoresy, do you have something to say or?
[LOUD FART]
That's real mature, bud.
SHORESY: This team is so fucking bad.
- Listen, my guy--
- Shut the fuck up, Sanguinet.
What do you want, Shoresy?
SHORESY: I wanna never lose again.
Can you just finish your shit
and come talk to me
down the hall, please?
Oh, you think I'm shitting, Michaels?
I should be so lucky.
I'm puking and shitting at the same time.
- This team is--
[BURPS]
This team is so fucking bad,
I've lost control of my bodily functions.
You are the portrait of class, Shoresy.
We get pumped 5-goose for
the 20th loss of the campaign
and you say,
"good fucking team over there"?
They are a good fucking team!
Why don't you go over
and suck their dicks
- if you like 'em so much?
- Shoresy!
Sanguinet, you're a healthy
scratch on a last-place club
in the NOSHO, go for a soda.
Alright, asshole!
You seem to have answers to everything,
so enlighten me!
Teach me something!
- Oh, teach ya something?
- Yeah! Teach me some--
Huh?
Fuck.
I said, teach me something.
From a true scholar of the game,
what can I learn from a deep
thinker such as yourself?
- Michaels--
- No, Sanguinet.
Shoresy, you go the floor.
Give me what you got.
Tell us what you know.
Your broad sent her tits
to my buddy on Instagram,
then him and my other buddy
fucked her in Muskoka.
- What?!
- More hockey players
have your broad's tits on their
phones than have fucking Uber.
- No fucking way.
- She followed me
to Peppi Panini after Ribfest one time
and cleared the place out
with her coke farts.
- My guy--
- Shut the fuck up, Sanguinet.
Everyone knows you got
an underwater squeezer
from her off the side of our party island
- last summer in Wasaga Beach.
- Hold on, I--
I could have got one too,
but I was having an aqua dump.
- You know what?
Fuck you, Shoresy!
Fuck you, Michaels.
Your sweetie stalked McDavid's girlfriend
at Boots and Hearts and asked
her if she wanted to taste it.
I should fold this whole fucking team.
Yeah, stick with me, Michaels,
you'll learn something new
every day of your life,
- you piece of shit.
- Fuck!
[TOILET FLUSHING]
Fucking loser.
GM wants to see you at the Coulson.
- For what?
- You're the veteran,
you're supposed--
- Huh?
- You're the veteran,
you're supposed to lead this team.
Aren't you too old for this?
Like, how old are you?
You're too young for me, Ziig.
And Miig, it's bordering
on harassment at this point.
We just got pumped 5-goose for
the 20th loss of the campaign.
Well, Michaels' a fucking joke.
- Michaels wants to fold.
- No!
- What do you want us to do?
- I want us to never lose again.
What's an aqua dump?
Huh?
BOTH: What's an aqua dump?
It's when you take a dump in a lake.
It's taking a dump in any body of water.
Well, what about a bath tub?
That's taking a dump in
a fucking bathtub, Sanguinet.
- In this case, it was a lake.
- No, it wasn't.
OK, you told your coach
that you got a squeezer
from his sweetie while taking
a dump in the lake.
I said I could've got a squeezer.
Sanguinet actually got
the squeezer from her.
- Her brothers are super weird.
- Ugh. Sanguinet.
They weren't together at the time.
Look at you, getting a little
- pee-pee whack.
- Do you think it's funny?
- Getting a booster in a lake?
- It was a river.
I said, do you think it's funny?
I don't think anything's funny.
I'm trying not to cry.
- Aw, don't cry, my guy.
- Shut the fuck--
- Why would you cry?
- We just got pumped 5-goose
for the 20th loss of the campaign.
I think the only reason I'm not crying
is because I already cried a little bit.
Then fix your makeup, bitch.
GM wants to see you at the Coulson.
Now!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
- Hey!
[MUSIC STOPS]
If you're the owner of a black F-150
with licence plate JKLK084,
your lights are on.
Also, if you're a fucking loser
that just got pumped 5-goose
for the 20th loss of the campaign,
meet me out back.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Expecting someone?
Fuck off.
[GRUNTING]
- Hey, Nat.
- Fuck you, Shoresy.
- For what?!
- We get pumped 5-goose
for the 20th loss of the
campaign and you're like
[MOCKING]
"Hey, Nat."
- Well, your coach is a joke.
- Your coach wants to fold.
- No!
- We're not quitters, Nat.
Shut the fuck up, Sanguinet.
And what's this I hear
about you taking a dump
in his girlfriend's lake?
It was a lake,
it wasn't her lake.
But she can't own a lake.
Do you know how much I spent on that guy?
- Me?
- Oh my God.
- No.
- Flights from Toronto
every weekend.
Hotels, rental cars, his fucking fee.
- Well, you're an idiot.
- He coached pro.
- Yeah, if he can't do, teach.
- He played NCAA.
You can't even fight in that league.
It's for fucking Euros.
- I hate losing so much.
- I never wanna lose again.
I backed the money truck up for a guy
who wants to fold now?
Fuck, man.
His broad pushed up on Sanguinet.
I'm pretty sure you could own a lake.
If my mom could see you guys
shit the bed like this,
she'd shit in her grave.
Well, yeah, we're pretty fucking bad.
I just want bums in seats.
Well, unless Sanger whips his wiener out
This team used to run 'em up
to double digits.
- Lucky to score now at all.
- Sanguinet, shut the fuck up.
If we aren't scoring, we should
at least be fighting. Fill 'em in.
That's exactly
what we should do.
- Run 'em up and fill 'em in.
- Then why don't you?
The kids don't want it.
They don't skate, they don't score,
they don't hit,
they don't fight, they float.
- They don't love to win.
- They don't hate to lose.
I hate losing so much.
Well, that's what makes you
such a sniper, Nat.
- Oh, you think I'm a sniper?
- To a lot of guys.
- To me, you're a bit young.
- I'm crestfallen.
But I hear dudes say
Nat's a sniper all the time.
- Shut up, dude.
- Like, if I had a Sudbury
big nickel for every time
I heard a dude say
Nat's a sniper, right,
I'd have a 20-spot.
- That it?
- Do the math.
I don't know what you heard
about a squeezer off the side
of a party island in Wasaga Beach, but--
SHORESY: Sanguinet, shut the fuck up!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
[WHISTLE BLOWING]
Number 20, two minutes, roughing.
For what?!
For being a fucking idiot, Cory.
I'll call the guy
who retaliates every time.
Call 'em fucking both!
I've had about enough
from the Clearasil kid.
Get in the box,
you fuckin' pimple farmer.
I can't wait to watch you
play tonight, Liam,
you're gonna play so good.
You're gonna play so good.
Hey! Who wants to hurt
their team more, boys?
Keep it up and find out, 'cause
I'm only taking one of ya.
I'm only taking one of ya.
Sticks in.
Fucking awful tonight, Shoresy.
Yeah, keep working hard, Cory,
you can be just like me.
Oh yeah, I remember laying
in bed as a kid dreaming about
reffing high school hockey
on a Friday night.
Yeah, I remember laying in bed
dreaming about the time your mom
tongued my butt hole so good
I put her in my phone as
"Roll up the rim to win."
How do you make that fucking
call in a game this tight?
[FAKE CRYING]
It's a fucking one-goal game!
Yeah, thanks, stewardess obvious,
cut the lip.
- Fuck you, Shoresy.
- One more Neutrogena tantrum
out of you and you're getting
the gate, bud, try me.
Pff. Whatever.
Don't take your fucking
Acutane rage out on me.
Horrible call.
Sit down, you fucking crater face.
- Fuck you, Shoresy.
- Fuck you, Cory,
your mom's twat's so swampy,
not even Ducks Unlimited will touch her.
So, your sweety finally comes
to a game and you barely play.
Is that more awkward than
puberty or is it pretty close?
Well, at least I'm not the guy
driving all around
Northern Ontario just to play
in the NOSHO to get pumped 6-goose.
5-goose, can you even fucking read?
Heard you were takin' aqua dumps
and gettin' jerk offs in Wasaga Beach too.
- Getting "jerk offs"?
- What?
- Getting "jerk offs"?
- Yeah.
It's called "getting jerked off",
you fucking idiot.
- I know.
- You don't even know what
that is, you fucking infant.
Holy shit.
This is fucked.
Hey, you know what's fucked, Cory?
The amount of times your mom's
faked a jelly fish sting
- to get me to piss on her.
- You didn't get the first one?
- Oh, here comes Liam.
[MOCKING]
He punched me right in the head.
[MOCKING]
"He punched me right in the head."
Fourth place in a four-team league, Shores,
- you're living the dream.
- You fucking saw it, Shoresy!
Yeah, and you fucking retaliated.
I punched him in the chest,
he punched me right in the head.
You retaliate, you go for two, Liam,
it's the first thing
they teach you in hockey.
- You're so fucking simple.
- That's a terrible call.
Yeah, that's why you're in
your sixth year of high school,
- you fucking idiot.
- Fuck you, Shoresy!
Hey Cory, you sound just
like Liam, you're like
[MOCKING]
You're fucking out of here,
Cory.
- Fuck you.
- Get the fuck off the ice.
- Fuck you.
- I can't wait 'till you
graduate in like 10 years
and come play for us.
I'll make a man out of you,
fucking pizza face.
- You don't even have a team.
- Yeah, only the one
with the banners in the rafters,
you fucking pigeon.
You're folding, you dumb fuck.
We're folding?
- Yeah, your mom's folding too.
- Huh? Cory! Cory!
Who told you we're folding?
Who told you we're folding?
- Doesn't matter.
Are we folding or not?
- Nat's--
- Huh?
- Nat's on her way.
- Just
If we're gonna fold,
can you please tell me now?
- Why?
- Because if I'm gonna cry,
I wanna be in and out of it
before Nat gets here.
- Pussy.
- Miig, I hope the lake squeeze
isn't weird 'cause if any time
you wanna grab some--
Shut the fuck up, Sanguinet!
Was it not a river?
Michaels is a terrible coach.
I fired Michaels.
Good.
He's a fucking joke.
'Cause we're folding.
I can't lose again, Shoresy.
Not one more game,
I can't live with it.
The Bulldogs used to be it in this town.
Most fun you could have
on a Sudbury Saturday night.
The social event of the week!
Standing room only.
It's fucking embarrassing now, man.
You think my mom gave me
the keys to the club
because I know everything about hockey?
Fuck no.
She gave them to me
because she knows I care
and I would take care of it.
Fucking sports are supposed
to bring communities together.
And families. They serve a purpose.
It's important.
Kids in sports stay off the streets.
Drugs kill dreams.
I just want bums in seats,
families together and watching the game,
like mine did.
No one comes to watch.
No one cares.
Can you blame them?
- No.
- Sanguinet, shut the fuck--
Do you know how hard it is to
give a shit about a hockey team
that can't win a fucking hockey game?
The Soo have out scored us 19-0 this year.
- The Soo are so fucking good.
- Please don't fold.
- Why, Shoresy?
We're firmly in the basement.
The town's turned their back on us.
We don't even have a coach now.
What are we supposed to do?
Never lose again.
What?
This team will never lose again.
- [SIGHS]
- Wheels are already
in motion, Shoresy.
I gassed Michaels--
- Sanguinet'll coach.
- But I'm a player.
Sanguinet, you're a healthy
scratch on a last-place club
in the NOSHO, hang 'em up.
What's your plan?
- Me?
- Oh my God.
Fucking
One top line of Canadian
grade studs to fill the nets,
surround 'em with the toughest
Natives we can find.
- Tough Natives is redundant.
- That's a good plan.
- It's a really good plan.
- It's the best fucking plan
- I ever heard in my life.
- My man.
We'll just use the money
that you were gonna spend
on Michaels to bring in four guys
who'll turn this ship right round.
Then that's four guys
she'll have to put up in hotels.
- They'll stay with me.
- So, you're saying you've got
four studs who will completely
uproot their lives
to live with you and play
senior hockey in Sudbury?
- Are they fucking inbred?
- Does anyone kind of think
Ziig maybe wishes they were?
Four-team league,
four games left.
Timmins, North Bay once,
Soo twice, all four on home ice.
We could get in right
before the trade deadline.
- I want bums in seats.
- Watch this.
I can't lose one more game.
- We won't.
- Shoresy.
This team will never lose again.
[SCOFFS]
If we never lose again,
we win the league.
OK.
- How about that--
- Shut the fuck up, Sanguinet.
Get your guys.
Be ready.
We will.
- 'Cause if you lose--
- We won't!
If you lose one more game
we fold.
Nat, if you were about 15 years older
- Fuck you, Shoresy.
- I'd think about it.
But speaking of 15 years older
If you really believe we can do this,
go tell your friend at the press.
- You sure?
- We do what we say
we're gonna do,
you can take him in.
We're gonna need to bring
in another sponsor.
A big one.
And we'll need some tough Natives.
- Tough Natives is redundant.
- Got 'em.
[GRUNTING]
Do they play hockey?
This is Canada,
everyone plays hockey.
When do you think Shoresy's
going to the press?
Ten minutes.
I've got the meeting at Doghouse.
You know how much Shoresy
loves Laura Mohr.
Well, can you fucking blame me?
- No, my dude.
- Woo-woo!
But you really think we can do this?
Like, Timmins is good
and North Bay is really good.
And the Soo are so fucking good,
they dummy us.
I feel like we should tell
the league to have an eye for us
folding before playoffs.
- Sanguinet.
- Yeah?
Give your balls a tug.