Sick of It (2018) s01e01 Episode Script
Episode 1
1 (SIGHS) (SIGHS) Normahow long do you reckon it'll be for me to get used to not having her around? Oh, I suppose that's up to you.
I just wasn't expecting her to go just like that.
Well, it's no good you going on about it.
I'm not going on about it.
You're constantly whining.
I mean, my husband is lying there in a box and you can't stop talking about your ex-girlfriend.
Yeah, but Uncle Vinnie had been ill for ages, hadn't he? He didn't leave you, did he? He's dead! Don't look like that.
Zoe, she left me cos she prefers not having me in her life.
That's worse, in a way.
Zoe gave you plenty of warning.
It's not like this came out of the blue like you're making out.
Now go get yourself dressed up before everyone arrives.
# When I am going round the bend # I got a wild, imaginary friend # Mr Whisper's here again # Mr Whisper's here again # I think I can control him # But instead # Mr Whisper takes control Guides my heart and rides my soul (BELL RINGS) (SONG CONTINUES OVER SHOP RADIO) Excuse me.
Is it all right if I try this on? Through the back.
All right.
Cheers.
(THINKS) I look a right nob in a suit.
It's the way you're holding yourself, isn't it? Look at you.
You're all sort of stiff.
Like a gingerbread man.
You know why that is, don't you? You're not comfortable in smart clothes.
You never have been.
It's not you.
It's restricting.
Tight.
You can't stretch.
You can't move about.
That's what it is.
That's what I've never understood about James Bond.
When you think about the line of work he's involved in and he wears a suit.
Every day he's getting involved in a scrap and fighting the enemy on top of a moving train and he turns up to work wearing a tuxedo.
A fucking idiot.
Meant to be an undercover spy and he's wandering around like he's been invited to the Oscars.
I tell you who got it right.
Superman.
That's ideal clothing.
Nice and stretchy.
Light.
Moveable.
Airy.
It's just when he added the cape I think he went a bit too far.
Shut up.
I'm not Superman, am I? I'm not fighting the enemy, I'm just going to a funeral.
You know what's funny about this? Whenever Zoe asked you to wear a suit you never wore one.
She's gone, hasn't she, so why start now? RADIO: # .
.
please come back to the world I love # (SHOP DOOR BELL RINGS) That's more like it.
Smart, but casual.
Really? You know that's just like a built-in collar, don't you? It's not a full shirt, that.
You're getting about 8% of the shirt.
It's just sewn in.
There's no cuffs.
They're taking the piss.
Yeah, well Less buttons.
Saves time, doesn't it? What do you mean, 'saves time'? What Mr Mega-Busy over there? Saves time? What are you going to buy next? Trousers with built-in underpants? I'll take it.
(SIGHS) I tell you what, you could use today as a way of meeting someone new, you know.
At a funeral? When else are you gonna meet someone? You don't have much of a social life.
So perfect.
If you think about it, the other thing that normally lets you down is that miserable face of yours.
I'm not having a go, but that's your default setting.
That sort of look.
Whereas today you can have that.
They're gonna think you look like that cos it's a funeral.
It makes sense.
You can't live with your auntie for the rest of your life.
Get out there.
Just a thought.
Don't you look smart! All right, innit? How about a tie? No.
I'd rather not wear one.
Why? I just don't like 'em.
Oh, but it would look so - They're a bit irritating.
I'm sure Vinnie had a black one you could have.
I'll go get it.
I don't want a tie.
Stop going on.
Why? Cos it's not real.
There's no shirt there.
It's just a built-in collar.
What the hell is that? You said how nice I looked.
Stop making a fuss.
(DOOR KNOCKER) Ties are pointless, a waste of material.
(DOOR SQUEAKS) A sofa delivery.
Oh, you're having a laugh, aren't you? Where do you want it? Today's not good, to be honest with you.
Any chance I can sort of rearrange, get it sorted another time? Yeah.
I suppose so.
That is doable.
You'll have to phone the office to rearrange.
All right.
I'll do that.
Cheers.
So you know, there will be a charge.
For what? To rearrange the delivery.
No, he's taking the piss.
What he's doing, you do this, send him off, you've got to pay him again.
But I've already paid for delivery.
Yeah, but that's for today's delivery.
I've got a funeral today - Yeah, well, I'm very sorry for your loss, but like I say there is a charge for redelivery.
It's £40.
40 quid? Again? Get him to bring it in.
All right.
Bring it in now then.
Fine.
Ooh.
Aah.
Couldn't you have them deliver it at a more appropriate time? There's no room for it and there are a lot more people coming for the reception.
He charges 40 quid each time he does a drop-off.
Gonna be more room once Uncle Vinnie has been shifted and the old sofa has got to go.
Excuse me.
This I think you're taking this old sofa today.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It is down here in the paperwork.
I've just got to check it out first.
Sorry for your loss.
Excuse me, ladies.
You've got a bit of a problem here.
There ain't no fire labels.
What does that mean? I can't take it.
Why? Safety regulations.
Honestly, health and safety does my head in.
They'll be selling like safety googles with fucking bacon next.
Look Can you sign for the new one? Here and here.
Just so you know, you've got a 14-day return policy.
What am I meant to do with it now, then? Well, most people stick it on Gumtree or one of them sites.
There's always someone that's willing to take a risk.
Take a risk? It's a sofa.
Where are we going then? Only down the road.
It's a little chaise.
Excuse me, fellas.
NORMA: I'll see you at the crematorium.
I'll see you at the crematorium.
Yes? Yes? Thank you.
Thank you.
(CLICKS) We're going now.
Would you take Marco and Sophia in your car? (CLICKS) Yeah.
Just give us a minute.
I'm just taking photos of the (CLICKS) .
.
the sofa to put online.
This is barmy, this, isn't it? If they're gonna insist on driving this slowly, why don't they do all funerals in the rush hour? We're causing a right tail-back.
When you think about it, you know, when we all eventually die, the last thing we do before we're like stuck in a hole or get set fire to is piss off other drivers, that's it.
That's the last thing we do.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Hello.
MAN: I'm calling about the sofa you've got online.
That was quick.
What colour is it? It's hard to tell on that photo.
It'sermsort of yellow.
Yellow Yellow checked.
A mustard yellow? Or a more lemony yellow? Just yellow.
What sort of condition is it in? Any stains? You do know it's free, don't you? Yeah, I know.
That's why I'm asking.
You wouldn't get shite for free, normally.
I'll just come round for it now, take it off your hands.
Now? What? You having second thoughts? I'm I'm just in the middle Give us like 20 minutes.
I'll be there as quick as I can.
Well, hurry up.
It's bloody freez (ENDS CALL) (SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC) Norma, I'm gonna nip back to the flat.
I've had a call about the old sofa.
Someone is going to take it.
You're gonna miss your uncle's funeral forfor a sofa? I won't be long.
We get it moved, then there's more room for everyone later having their butties.
You didn't even need a new sofa.
We've been through all this.
I've got to get shot of it, it's a constant reminder of Zoe.
Well, don't be too long.
You don't want to let your uncle down.
Vinnie is not gonna be bothered, is he? It's his funeral, not his birthday party.
Hiya, mate.
You here for the sofa? Yeah.
It's just through here.
Great.
In a bit of a rush.
This one here.
It looked a bit better in the photo.
Well, it's the same one.
The cushions are a bit battered, aren't they? What (SNIFFS) (SPRINGS SQUEAK) (SQUEAKS) Yeah.
All right, then.
I'll take it off your hands.
You couldn't give us a hand, could you? Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
Onetwo Right, I'm clear.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You got it? Just slow down a minute.
I'm still on the steps here.
All right? Fine.
Clear.
There you go.
Right.
Where are you parked? Hey? Where are you parked? Where's your van? No.
I haven't got a van.
You said you'd give me a hand.
Yeah.
I meant just outside the house.
Come on.
Just down the road.
Two minutes.
Piss-taker! A free sofa and free delivery.
You paid 40 quid to get yours dropped off.
(SIGHS) # We come on the Sloop John B # My grandfather and me Around Nassau town we did roam Don't let it scrape on the side, will you? Just keep going, will you? I'm against a wall.
We'll have to lift it up.
I'll go here and you just swing it round to your end.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're gonna rip the back.
Is there really no other way? Is this the quickest route? This is gonna knock off a couple of minutes.
Like playing Pac-Man.
Is it really that hard work? Yes! You're - I'm carrying more weight! This is ridiculous.
Nob-head! (LAUGHS) Just kicked me up the arse.
(PANTING) Can you just stop a sec? Right.
Down.
(GROANS) I'm sweating like a bastard.
Well, you're layering up.
Take your jumper off.
I'll leave it on.
I'll be all right in a minute.
Just needed to get some air some air under my arms.
(HEAVY EXHALE) Not much further, yeah? Two minutes.
I promise.
You all right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Twothree Right.
We're here.
Pop it down here.
That's great, that.
I really appreciate it.
Thanks for that.
I'll give you a hand getting it in.
(DOG BARKS) Erm You Neil? Yeah.
So, this is it, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, the condition is not as good as you said, though, is it? What did we say? 45? Yeah.
Yeah.
If you're happy with that? There's no fire labels here.
Well, I'll get you some fire labels.
Well, it still won't be fireproof, will it? 35? Look, sorry to waste your time, lads.
It's not for me.
(GROANS) For fuck's sake.
Cheeky bastard! I give you a sofa for free and you try and sell it on? I thought I was helping you out.
Don't give me that shit.
It wasn't about helping about.
You wanted to get rid of it.
Wait, wait, wait! Can't leave it here.
Leave it for the council.
They'll take it.
Can't just chuck it away.
Ain't gonna get nothing for this.
Piece of shit, mate.
A piece of shit? It was worth 45 quid about two minutes ago.
I'm not leaving it here.
I got this with my ex.
What, she leave you for someone with a better taste in sofas? (SIGHS) What are you moaning about? It's just a bloody sofa.
It's just a sofa to you.
It isn't to me.
It's ten years of my life, this.
Just chucking it away, it's likelike it never happened.
(SIGHS) Do you know what? You should just keep it.
This obviously means so much to you.
I don't know why you were giving it away in the first place.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I don't know why I bought a new one.
Nothing but a ball ache.
Can you do us a favour? Take it back.
Yeah, man, of course.
Grab hold.
That'll be 20 quid.
Eh? Well, a delivery firm will charge you 40.
You 20 quid.
I'm saving you money and helping you out.
Not really, no.
Cos it wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Hang on, hang on.
I'll get this.
Hello.
Where are you? There's been a slight change of plan.
The service is about to start.
Are you on your way? I'll be there.
I'm taking the sofa back.
I thought you said some guy was gonna take it.
Yeah.
I changed my mind.
Gonna keep that, get the money back.
Then treat Zoe to a nice weekend away, a sit-down dinner somewhere.
Sort of charm her back.
You're the only man I know that has an on-off relationship with a sofa! All right.
I'll see you in a bit.
Right.
Come on.
Let's get a move on.
Good.
Come on.
Do we have to go all the way back? Yeah.
All the way, yeah.
And you can give us a hand getting it in.
I'd like to walk around in your mind some day I think I'd like to have a barge one day.
You know? It's the dream, innit? Just go anywhere on a barge.
It's water, innit? It's where all life began.
I don't understand why you're looking so happy.
You gave some bloke 20 quid to take your sofa for a walk! I thought we'd decided.
I thought the whole point was getting rid of the old sofa, get a new sofa and move on.
It's not the sofa I've got to change.
It's me who has got to change.
Can you just listen to me? I'm not gonna listen to you.
I'm sick of listening to you That's your problem.
You keep talking, but you're not listening to anyone else.
Look what happened with Zoe.
When she brought up marriage that time, what did you do? You just closed the door on it.
Oh, no, no, that's not for me.
Then it was kids.
You nipped that in the bud, you didn't want to know.
Never listened to what she wanted.
In the end, that's probably why she fucked off.
You're just too negative.
Yeah, but Hang on.
That's how we work.
I'm too negative.
You're too positive.
Like a battery.
It wouldn't work with both ends being positive.
# Would you like to know a secret? # Just between you and me # I don't know where I'm going next # I don't know where I'm gonna be # But that's the other side of this life I've been leading # But that's the other side of this life # Well, my whole world's in an uproar # My whole world's upside down # I don't know where I'm going, but I'm always bumming around # And that's another side of this life I've been leading # And that's another side of this life I've been leading But that's another side of this life Supposed to be at my uncle's funeral today.
Yeah? They'll be cremating me if I don't get a drink.
Are you thirsty? Gasping.
Over there, you can get anything you want.
A bit of food, if you want.
A bit of pizza or summat.
Here.
Pop it down here.
I'll sort you out and go get it.
Just a Coke, yeah.
Cheers.
Nowt to eat? And a banana, if they've got one.
Can I have some money? I gave you a 20 before.
Yeah, but that's for the delivery of the sofa.
A banana and a Coke.
Is it all right if I get something as well? Yeah.
Treat yourself.
Just be quick, yeah? Brilliant.
Two minutes.
(DUCKS QUACK) (SIGHS) (RINGING TONE) I wonder if you can help me.
I had a sofa delivered this morning.
I want to say thank you very much for taking the trouble to be here for Vincent Well, Vinnie, as I think most of you would have known him "I'm not here.
Leave a message.
" (Where are you?) The service is starting and you're not here.
I know that our thoughts are very much with Norma and, er, his favourite nephew Karl.
"The person you're calling knows you're waiting.
Please hold the line.
The person you're calling knows you're waiting.
" What? Did you honestly think he was gonna come trotting back with a nice little picnic for both of you? He's sodded off with your money, you nob-head.
Can we just get to the funeral? All this sofa stuff, it's been nothing but hassle.
Gotta move on.
Look at Norma.
She's cremating her husband today.
She's not moping about like this, is she? Could learn from her.
You've sort of got this odd thing in your head that by keeping that sofa that Zoe is gonna come back.
It's not gonna happen.
You've got to let go of the sofa and let go of Zoe.
All you seem to be good at letting go of is 20 quid notes.
Miss me a little.
But not for long.
And not with your head bent low.
Remember the love that once we shared.
Miss me, but let me go.
Oi! Twat! 'For this is a journey we all must take and each must go alone.
' It's all part of the master plan, a step on the road to home.
(SOBS) When you are lonely and sick at heart, go to the friends we know.
Laugh at all the things we used to do.
Miss me, but let me go.
# It's over, it's over between us (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Hello.
MAN: Hello, mate, er I've just seen the sofa online.
What kind of condition is it in? # .
.
I tried to stay away # And push you out of my mind # When I saw # We could make it # Oh, Lord # I love you so much As much as any man could
I just wasn't expecting her to go just like that.
Well, it's no good you going on about it.
I'm not going on about it.
You're constantly whining.
I mean, my husband is lying there in a box and you can't stop talking about your ex-girlfriend.
Yeah, but Uncle Vinnie had been ill for ages, hadn't he? He didn't leave you, did he? He's dead! Don't look like that.
Zoe, she left me cos she prefers not having me in her life.
That's worse, in a way.
Zoe gave you plenty of warning.
It's not like this came out of the blue like you're making out.
Now go get yourself dressed up before everyone arrives.
# When I am going round the bend # I got a wild, imaginary friend # Mr Whisper's here again # Mr Whisper's here again # I think I can control him # But instead # Mr Whisper takes control Guides my heart and rides my soul (BELL RINGS) (SONG CONTINUES OVER SHOP RADIO) Excuse me.
Is it all right if I try this on? Through the back.
All right.
Cheers.
(THINKS) I look a right nob in a suit.
It's the way you're holding yourself, isn't it? Look at you.
You're all sort of stiff.
Like a gingerbread man.
You know why that is, don't you? You're not comfortable in smart clothes.
You never have been.
It's not you.
It's restricting.
Tight.
You can't stretch.
You can't move about.
That's what it is.
That's what I've never understood about James Bond.
When you think about the line of work he's involved in and he wears a suit.
Every day he's getting involved in a scrap and fighting the enemy on top of a moving train and he turns up to work wearing a tuxedo.
A fucking idiot.
Meant to be an undercover spy and he's wandering around like he's been invited to the Oscars.
I tell you who got it right.
Superman.
That's ideal clothing.
Nice and stretchy.
Light.
Moveable.
Airy.
It's just when he added the cape I think he went a bit too far.
Shut up.
I'm not Superman, am I? I'm not fighting the enemy, I'm just going to a funeral.
You know what's funny about this? Whenever Zoe asked you to wear a suit you never wore one.
She's gone, hasn't she, so why start now? RADIO: # .
.
please come back to the world I love # (SHOP DOOR BELL RINGS) That's more like it.
Smart, but casual.
Really? You know that's just like a built-in collar, don't you? It's not a full shirt, that.
You're getting about 8% of the shirt.
It's just sewn in.
There's no cuffs.
They're taking the piss.
Yeah, well Less buttons.
Saves time, doesn't it? What do you mean, 'saves time'? What Mr Mega-Busy over there? Saves time? What are you going to buy next? Trousers with built-in underpants? I'll take it.
(SIGHS) I tell you what, you could use today as a way of meeting someone new, you know.
At a funeral? When else are you gonna meet someone? You don't have much of a social life.
So perfect.
If you think about it, the other thing that normally lets you down is that miserable face of yours.
I'm not having a go, but that's your default setting.
That sort of look.
Whereas today you can have that.
They're gonna think you look like that cos it's a funeral.
It makes sense.
You can't live with your auntie for the rest of your life.
Get out there.
Just a thought.
Don't you look smart! All right, innit? How about a tie? No.
I'd rather not wear one.
Why? I just don't like 'em.
Oh, but it would look so - They're a bit irritating.
I'm sure Vinnie had a black one you could have.
I'll go get it.
I don't want a tie.
Stop going on.
Why? Cos it's not real.
There's no shirt there.
It's just a built-in collar.
What the hell is that? You said how nice I looked.
Stop making a fuss.
(DOOR KNOCKER) Ties are pointless, a waste of material.
(DOOR SQUEAKS) A sofa delivery.
Oh, you're having a laugh, aren't you? Where do you want it? Today's not good, to be honest with you.
Any chance I can sort of rearrange, get it sorted another time? Yeah.
I suppose so.
That is doable.
You'll have to phone the office to rearrange.
All right.
I'll do that.
Cheers.
So you know, there will be a charge.
For what? To rearrange the delivery.
No, he's taking the piss.
What he's doing, you do this, send him off, you've got to pay him again.
But I've already paid for delivery.
Yeah, but that's for today's delivery.
I've got a funeral today - Yeah, well, I'm very sorry for your loss, but like I say there is a charge for redelivery.
It's £40.
40 quid? Again? Get him to bring it in.
All right.
Bring it in now then.
Fine.
Ooh.
Aah.
Couldn't you have them deliver it at a more appropriate time? There's no room for it and there are a lot more people coming for the reception.
He charges 40 quid each time he does a drop-off.
Gonna be more room once Uncle Vinnie has been shifted and the old sofa has got to go.
Excuse me.
This I think you're taking this old sofa today.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It is down here in the paperwork.
I've just got to check it out first.
Sorry for your loss.
Excuse me, ladies.
You've got a bit of a problem here.
There ain't no fire labels.
What does that mean? I can't take it.
Why? Safety regulations.
Honestly, health and safety does my head in.
They'll be selling like safety googles with fucking bacon next.
Look Can you sign for the new one? Here and here.
Just so you know, you've got a 14-day return policy.
What am I meant to do with it now, then? Well, most people stick it on Gumtree or one of them sites.
There's always someone that's willing to take a risk.
Take a risk? It's a sofa.
Where are we going then? Only down the road.
It's a little chaise.
Excuse me, fellas.
NORMA: I'll see you at the crematorium.
I'll see you at the crematorium.
Yes? Yes? Thank you.
Thank you.
(CLICKS) We're going now.
Would you take Marco and Sophia in your car? (CLICKS) Yeah.
Just give us a minute.
I'm just taking photos of the (CLICKS) .
.
the sofa to put online.
This is barmy, this, isn't it? If they're gonna insist on driving this slowly, why don't they do all funerals in the rush hour? We're causing a right tail-back.
When you think about it, you know, when we all eventually die, the last thing we do before we're like stuck in a hole or get set fire to is piss off other drivers, that's it.
That's the last thing we do.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Hello.
MAN: I'm calling about the sofa you've got online.
That was quick.
What colour is it? It's hard to tell on that photo.
It'sermsort of yellow.
Yellow Yellow checked.
A mustard yellow? Or a more lemony yellow? Just yellow.
What sort of condition is it in? Any stains? You do know it's free, don't you? Yeah, I know.
That's why I'm asking.
You wouldn't get shite for free, normally.
I'll just come round for it now, take it off your hands.
Now? What? You having second thoughts? I'm I'm just in the middle Give us like 20 minutes.
I'll be there as quick as I can.
Well, hurry up.
It's bloody freez (ENDS CALL) (SOMBRE ORGAN MUSIC) Norma, I'm gonna nip back to the flat.
I've had a call about the old sofa.
Someone is going to take it.
You're gonna miss your uncle's funeral forfor a sofa? I won't be long.
We get it moved, then there's more room for everyone later having their butties.
You didn't even need a new sofa.
We've been through all this.
I've got to get shot of it, it's a constant reminder of Zoe.
Well, don't be too long.
You don't want to let your uncle down.
Vinnie is not gonna be bothered, is he? It's his funeral, not his birthday party.
Hiya, mate.
You here for the sofa? Yeah.
It's just through here.
Great.
In a bit of a rush.
This one here.
It looked a bit better in the photo.
Well, it's the same one.
The cushions are a bit battered, aren't they? What (SNIFFS) (SPRINGS SQUEAK) (SQUEAKS) Yeah.
All right, then.
I'll take it off your hands.
You couldn't give us a hand, could you? Yeah.
All right.
Yeah.
Onetwo Right, I'm clear.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You got it? Just slow down a minute.
I'm still on the steps here.
All right? Fine.
Clear.
There you go.
Right.
Where are you parked? Hey? Where are you parked? Where's your van? No.
I haven't got a van.
You said you'd give me a hand.
Yeah.
I meant just outside the house.
Come on.
Just down the road.
Two minutes.
Piss-taker! A free sofa and free delivery.
You paid 40 quid to get yours dropped off.
(SIGHS) # We come on the Sloop John B # My grandfather and me Around Nassau town we did roam Don't let it scrape on the side, will you? Just keep going, will you? I'm against a wall.
We'll have to lift it up.
I'll go here and you just swing it round to your end.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! You're gonna rip the back.
Is there really no other way? Is this the quickest route? This is gonna knock off a couple of minutes.
Like playing Pac-Man.
Is it really that hard work? Yes! You're - I'm carrying more weight! This is ridiculous.
Nob-head! (LAUGHS) Just kicked me up the arse.
(PANTING) Can you just stop a sec? Right.
Down.
(GROANS) I'm sweating like a bastard.
Well, you're layering up.
Take your jumper off.
I'll leave it on.
I'll be all right in a minute.
Just needed to get some air some air under my arms.
(HEAVY EXHALE) Not much further, yeah? Two minutes.
I promise.
You all right? Yeah.
Yeah.
Twothree Right.
We're here.
Pop it down here.
That's great, that.
I really appreciate it.
Thanks for that.
I'll give you a hand getting it in.
(DOG BARKS) Erm You Neil? Yeah.
So, this is it, yeah? Yeah.
Yeah, the condition is not as good as you said, though, is it? What did we say? 45? Yeah.
Yeah.
If you're happy with that? There's no fire labels here.
Well, I'll get you some fire labels.
Well, it still won't be fireproof, will it? 35? Look, sorry to waste your time, lads.
It's not for me.
(GROANS) For fuck's sake.
Cheeky bastard! I give you a sofa for free and you try and sell it on? I thought I was helping you out.
Don't give me that shit.
It wasn't about helping about.
You wanted to get rid of it.
Wait, wait, wait! Can't leave it here.
Leave it for the council.
They'll take it.
Can't just chuck it away.
Ain't gonna get nothing for this.
Piece of shit, mate.
A piece of shit? It was worth 45 quid about two minutes ago.
I'm not leaving it here.
I got this with my ex.
What, she leave you for someone with a better taste in sofas? (SIGHS) What are you moaning about? It's just a bloody sofa.
It's just a sofa to you.
It isn't to me.
It's ten years of my life, this.
Just chucking it away, it's likelike it never happened.
(SIGHS) Do you know what? You should just keep it.
This obviously means so much to you.
I don't know why you were giving it away in the first place.
I don't know what I was thinking.
I don't know why I bought a new one.
Nothing but a ball ache.
Can you do us a favour? Take it back.
Yeah, man, of course.
Grab hold.
That'll be 20 quid.
Eh? Well, a delivery firm will charge you 40.
You 20 quid.
I'm saving you money and helping you out.
Not really, no.
Cos it wouldn't be here if it weren't for you.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Hang on, hang on.
I'll get this.
Hello.
Where are you? There's been a slight change of plan.
The service is about to start.
Are you on your way? I'll be there.
I'm taking the sofa back.
I thought you said some guy was gonna take it.
Yeah.
I changed my mind.
Gonna keep that, get the money back.
Then treat Zoe to a nice weekend away, a sit-down dinner somewhere.
Sort of charm her back.
You're the only man I know that has an on-off relationship with a sofa! All right.
I'll see you in a bit.
Right.
Come on.
Let's get a move on.
Good.
Come on.
Do we have to go all the way back? Yeah.
All the way, yeah.
And you can give us a hand getting it in.
I'd like to walk around in your mind some day I think I'd like to have a barge one day.
You know? It's the dream, innit? Just go anywhere on a barge.
It's water, innit? It's where all life began.
I don't understand why you're looking so happy.
You gave some bloke 20 quid to take your sofa for a walk! I thought we'd decided.
I thought the whole point was getting rid of the old sofa, get a new sofa and move on.
It's not the sofa I've got to change.
It's me who has got to change.
Can you just listen to me? I'm not gonna listen to you.
I'm sick of listening to you That's your problem.
You keep talking, but you're not listening to anyone else.
Look what happened with Zoe.
When she brought up marriage that time, what did you do? You just closed the door on it.
Oh, no, no, that's not for me.
Then it was kids.
You nipped that in the bud, you didn't want to know.
Never listened to what she wanted.
In the end, that's probably why she fucked off.
You're just too negative.
Yeah, but Hang on.
That's how we work.
I'm too negative.
You're too positive.
Like a battery.
It wouldn't work with both ends being positive.
# Would you like to know a secret? # Just between you and me # I don't know where I'm going next # I don't know where I'm gonna be # But that's the other side of this life I've been leading # But that's the other side of this life # Well, my whole world's in an uproar # My whole world's upside down # I don't know where I'm going, but I'm always bumming around # And that's another side of this life I've been leading # And that's another side of this life I've been leading But that's another side of this life Supposed to be at my uncle's funeral today.
Yeah? They'll be cremating me if I don't get a drink.
Are you thirsty? Gasping.
Over there, you can get anything you want.
A bit of food, if you want.
A bit of pizza or summat.
Here.
Pop it down here.
I'll sort you out and go get it.
Just a Coke, yeah.
Cheers.
Nowt to eat? And a banana, if they've got one.
Can I have some money? I gave you a 20 before.
Yeah, but that's for the delivery of the sofa.
A banana and a Coke.
Is it all right if I get something as well? Yeah.
Treat yourself.
Just be quick, yeah? Brilliant.
Two minutes.
(DUCKS QUACK) (SIGHS) (RINGING TONE) I wonder if you can help me.
I had a sofa delivered this morning.
I want to say thank you very much for taking the trouble to be here for Vincent Well, Vinnie, as I think most of you would have known him "I'm not here.
Leave a message.
" (Where are you?) The service is starting and you're not here.
I know that our thoughts are very much with Norma and, er, his favourite nephew Karl.
"The person you're calling knows you're waiting.
Please hold the line.
The person you're calling knows you're waiting.
" What? Did you honestly think he was gonna come trotting back with a nice little picnic for both of you? He's sodded off with your money, you nob-head.
Can we just get to the funeral? All this sofa stuff, it's been nothing but hassle.
Gotta move on.
Look at Norma.
She's cremating her husband today.
She's not moping about like this, is she? Could learn from her.
You've sort of got this odd thing in your head that by keeping that sofa that Zoe is gonna come back.
It's not gonna happen.
You've got to let go of the sofa and let go of Zoe.
All you seem to be good at letting go of is 20 quid notes.
Miss me a little.
But not for long.
And not with your head bent low.
Remember the love that once we shared.
Miss me, but let me go.
Oi! Twat! 'For this is a journey we all must take and each must go alone.
' It's all part of the master plan, a step on the road to home.
(SOBS) When you are lonely and sick at heart, go to the friends we know.
Laugh at all the things we used to do.
Miss me, but let me go.
# It's over, it's over between us (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Hello.
MAN: Hello, mate, er I've just seen the sofa online.
What kind of condition is it in? # .
.
I tried to stay away # And push you out of my mind # When I saw # We could make it # Oh, Lord # I love you so much As much as any man could