Side Quest (2025) s01e01 Episode Script

1
["This Will Be Our Year" playing]
- [phone ringing]
- [person 1 sighs]
[person 1] What is it, Ian?
[Ian] Phil, your work
on this new dancing game is great.
That disco-ball effect
that you suggested for Mythic Dance
is really gonna make it sing.
I didn't suggest that.
- You suggested that.
- [Ian] Huh.
I must have been inspired
by my new earrings.
You see how they dance and glitter?
You told me you didn't need
anything else for Mythic Dance, Ian.
[Ian] Yeah, sorry.
Phil, let's take this opportunity
to learn a lesson from the earrings.
[Phil] Fucking earrings.
The pressure that we're under right now
is what's gonna make Mythic Dance
turn from a lump of coal
into a hand-cut eight-carat diamond
in a white-gold setting.
- Great.
- Look, I know it's your day off,
- and I just
- It's not my day off.
I'm on vacation.
I don't even know why
I'm talking to you right now.
You're talking to me because you know
that Japan is a quarter of the market,
and the Minister of Culture
has to allow it in the country.
- [person 2] It's mai tai o'clock. Boop.
- And you know
Hey.
We're dancing 'cause it's mai tai o'clock.
It's mai tai o'clock.
You just hung up on Ian.
Yeah, I know. I'm saying bye-ian to Ian.
It's vacation.
- I'm sorry. You're right.
- Thank you.
We haven't had one in two years.
I'm not gonna let your work thing ruin it.
And your weirdly yoked,
bargain-bin-Criss-Angel-ass boss
can survive one week without you.
He's gonna have to
because as of this moment, Maude,
I am officially free from Mythic Quest.
Oh, Phil.
Our vacation starts n
Hold on one sec.
Our vacation starts no
[Hawaiian music playing]
- Oh, what a cutie boy.
- [door closes]
[Phil] Hello.
Hi.
- I have traveled these great lands.
- [Maude chuckles]
I went even to the far north
to the spa area
where I did encounter some wild children
who tried to claim what was ours.
You may share my bed, brave hero.
- Yes, please.
- Hop in, stud.
- [cheers]
- Oh, yes.
- Ooh, thank you.
- Did you say "hop in"?
- [grunts, chuckles]
- [screams]
[Maude] You are so crazy.
Thank you.
You're so welcome.
Oh, shit.
I forgot my dairy pills.
I'm gonna get the wet toots.
You know that I keep
my lover's toots bone-dry.
Aw, you're the best.
Remember that because
I'm gonna show you something.
[Phil chuckles] Oh, my God.
Maude, we've talked about this.
- No, I [chuckling]
- He's so cute.
- Look at his stupid little face.
- [chuckles]
His dumb, little naked-ass body.
I love you, Daddy.
I love him so much.
I'm his mommy.
I can see. He's very cute,
but I I mean,
we just don't have the space,
and I feel bad adopting Milton
and not having a backyard
for him to run around in.
Okay, so maybe it's time
that we look for a house.
All right. Well, let's think about this.
What if we get locked into a mortgage
and you come home with, I don't know,
Colin Firth?
I wouldn't dump you for a Colin
less than Farrell, honey.
- I love you.
- [scoffs]
[chuckles]
Have you looked under your plate?
- Okay, the menu.
- [stammers] Yeah.
See what they have for dessert.
[Maude gasps] Oh, my God.
Bug, it's so good.
I love it.
You just looked so beautiful.
I just had to capture it.
I know it's a little cheesy, but
It's not cheesy. It's so good.
When we get back, you have to quit.
And you have to start
the design studio in the garage
like you always say that you're going to.
Well, I mean, right now,
our townhouse's shared garage
is full of that CrossFit asshole's
tractor tires.
But, you know, I am just bullshitting when
I say all that stuff about Ian because,
you know, he has pushed me very hard,
and he's made me good.
I wouldn't have been able
to draw that without Ian.
I'm lucky to have him.
Okay, he's lucky.
If Ian could do what you do,
then he would.
And maybe he did make you better, okay,
but w-whatever.
It's time that you just need
to bet on yourself, and do it.
[phone rings]
This is so good.
Hello?
[Ian] Phil Niekro. Knuckleball. Knucks.
How's the world's greatest art director?
Need to talk to you
about the Japan presentation. I think
It was Ian.
How does he know what hotel we're at?
Oh, shit.
Ian has all of his employees
share location.
Are you insane?
Okay, yeah, no. We're not doing that.
That is kook-alicious.
All done.
We have taken
the tracking chip out of your neck.
You're welcome.
Guess I should've done that a while ago.
Well, it's okay. I got you, bug.
- [screams]
- [chuckles]
- Keep doing that. I like it.
- [chuckles]
["Dreamer" playing]
[screams]
[screams] No, no!
[laughs] Stop.
Come on. [coughs] We did it.
- It's not worth the hike.
- Okay.
That's really good. [speaks indistinctly]
Look out there so you're looking at that
and not remembering this.
Okay. Okay.
Fuck. [screams]
Good job.
[moans, screams]
[instructor] And breathe.
[Phil groans]
On the inhale,
switch positions with your partner.
- [Phil] Mmm.
- [back cracks]
- Jesus Chr Is that your back?
- [chuckles]
It feels like
a goddamn bag of limes, Phil.
- [chuckling]
- Oh, my God.
How long have you two been married?
- [Phil] Oh, we're not married.
- Oh.
Now, one partner lie on your belly
while your lover stands over you
gently pulling your wrists.
Well, I think you're just adorable.
It seems like
you've been together forever.
It's, um,
been a little over three years, so,
- yeah.
- Okay.
Well, you must be pretty special.
I mean, a girl like her
could get anyone, you know?
[both laughing]
I mean, a girl like her could get anyone.
A girl like her could get anyone.
[Phil] A girl like her could get anyone.
She could have anyone.
Ow.
- Fuck, my tits, Phil.
- Sorry, Maude.
- Let's move into supta baddha konasana.
- [phone ringing]
- I'm sorry.
- [instructor] Ooh, excuse me.
It's okay.
- [instructor] Hello?
- [pants]
My apologies.
Is there a Phil here?
- This is Phil. Uh [chuckles]
- Uh, here. Hi.
[instructor] It's apparently an emergency.
[stammers] Someone's on the phone?
- Hello?
- Is that your phone?
[Ian] Phil-Lando Calrissian.
Before you ask how I got this number,
I have access to military satellites.
Anyhoo, I need a dozen mock-ups
for some hats.
Some hats?
[Ian] Yep, yep. I realized what's missing
is some old-school
Fred Astaire razzle-dazzle.
You're the only man to do it.
You're my guy.
Now, if you could can get those
hat options by 7:00, that'd be awesome.
Look, if I send you a few sketches,
will you leave me the fuck alone?
No, absolutely not. Phil, turn it off.
We're strengthening
our pelvic floor right now.
[Phil] Okay, I gotta go.
- [instructor] Is everything okay?
- Yes, I'm sorry.
Please continue.
"Namastee."
Danke.
Arigato.
What?
[Phil] This sunset is
so fucking beautiful, I could die.
[Maude chuckles]
This sunset is so fucking beautiful,
I could, like, punch a dolphin.
[Phil chuckles]
Sunset is so beautiful, I could, like
like, rip my own leg off and eat it.
[both chuckling]
[Maude snorts]
[both] Oh.
We're so cute.
I'm so happy I'm here with you.
That it's just you and me,
but someone's missing.
Who?
It's Milton.
- [Phil] Oh, my God.
- [Maude] I know.
[Phil] Did you make him your lock screen?
- [Maude] Yeah.
- [Phil] Momo.
I think about him. Someday.
Someday.
Oh, a proposal.
Right there.
- [cheers]
- [person 1] like her could get anyone.
- [Maude] Oh, and that's another proposal.
- [person 2] like her could get anyone.
- Oh, my gosh. Skywriter.
- She could have anyone.
[Phil] She could have anyone.
She could have anyone.
Why would she want me?
She could have anyone.
Why would she want me?
[waiter] Aloha.
My apologies for the delay, sir.
Here's your main course.
[Milton] I poop better husbands than you.
[screams] Oh, shit, Phil.
- [gasps]
- Are you okay?
I'm fine.
I just hate soup.
[clears throat]
["At an Old Hawaiian Luau" playing]
[Maude] I love you.
I don't know how many times I can
tell you that you're the one that I want.
[person] I mean,
a girl like her could get anyone.
[Ian] Nobody knows
this game better than you.
[Maude] Oh, I just keep
telling you over and over.
[Ian] You're the greatest art director
I've ever worked with.
Mmm. Huh?
Bug?
[waves crashing]
- What are you doing, bug?
- Oh.
Nothing. I was
The ocean looks so beautiful,
I just needed to draw.
It's black as shit out here, bug.
You can barely see the ocean.
It is.
- Let me see it.
- It's nothing.
I wanna wait till it's finished.
- Phil? Phil?
- I wanna wait till it's finished.
[Maude] Is that a porkpie hat
on a fucking dwarf?
- Look What?
- [Maude] Cool.
So you're working right now?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
- [Maude] Well
- That's my own dwarf-hat thing.
- [Maude] Oh, it is?
- Yeah, it is.
And just so you know,
that is a homburg, not a porkpie.
We're on vacation, Phil.
We're supposed to be here
to reconnect, relax,
not draw little outdated hats
for little fairy creatures.
But if I don't do some work now,
all I'm gonna be thinking about is
all the extra work I'm gonna have to do
when we get home,
which would cancel out
all the relaxing time.
[Maude] Phil,
you're wound tighter than ever.
You screamed at soup.
Let me just do three hats,
and then I'll be done.
It's always three hats or 20 swords
or a bigger, shinier codpiece
for a frickin' troll.
Do you really
not wanna be here with me, Phil?
- Momo, come on.
- Have to waste my time here.
- Hey. Hey. Hey.
- Just tell me you don't wanna do it.
Of course I wanna be here.
There's no place I'd rather be.
For real.
Then tell Ian to leave you alone.
He's my boss. I can't just
Phil, I have been
so understanding about your job.
I think that I played it pretty cool
when I heard about the whole
Jason-Bourne-tracking-you thing.
- I know.
- I [sighs] am done.
So you need to call him right now
[Phil sighs]
or I truly swear to God I'm going home.
It's pretty late, LA time.
Oh, my God.
He's probably not gonna pick up,
but I'm calling.
[line ringing]
- Hello? Fuck.
- [Ian] Hi, Phil.
[Phil] Hey, Ian.
"Ians and tigers and bears, oh my."
- [Ian] What?
- Sorry, never mind.
I gotta talk to you about something.
[Ian] I hope it's something
about goblins wearing big old top hats.
It's not.
I'm on vacation with my girlfriend,
my very beautiful,
wonderful,
- understanding girlfriend.
- [Maude chuckles]
And I'm not asking you. I'm telling you.
You do not talk to me until I get back.
[Ian] Wow. Okay, yeah.
I can respect that.
Boundaries. Tight.
I'll see you when you get back.
[phone disconnects]
I just told Ian Grimm to fuck off.
You should've told him
to go up his own asshole
and that you quit.
[laughs]
- That was pretty good though, right?
- That was pretty good, bug.
- [inhales sharply] Fuck yeah, it was.
- [chuckles]
- [dancers vocalizing]
- [drums beating]
[Phil] Whoa, holy shit.
Mmm.
You're so happy.
[shouting]
[crowd cheering]
Whoo!
Doesn't get much hotter than
the traditional Samoan Fire Knife Dance.
But now, let's cool things down a bit
with a little hula.
For this one,
we're gonna need a few guests
to come up onstage and learn to hula.
[crowd applauding]
Who do we have here?
Would you like to learn to hula?
[guest] Uh, we're Kim and
Dan Rutherford from Cedar Point, Ohio.
And, yeah. [chuckles]
Yeah, let's do it.
[crowd cheering]
[Phil] Oh, God.
No.
It's okay, honey.
I don't think she's coming to our table.
What's your name, sir?
Would you like to come up
and dance hula for everyone?
- [Phil] In front of all these people?
- Um
Dancing? You're gonna mess this up.
You can't do this.
- My name is Phil. Phil.
- [Phil] No, no, no.
- [echoing] And, uh
- [Phil] No, no.
- No.
- You know what?
Hi. I'm Maude, and I would love to hula,
so let's do this!
[crowd cheering]
Thank you. Hey, thank you.
[Maude] You're welcome.
[Hawaiian music playing]
[water running]
Maude, you are the greatest thing
that's ever happened to me.
[inhales deeply]
Will you take my hand
as I lead you to the promised land
in this holy
Why am I getting religious?
Um
- Momo
- [Maude] What's that?
Oh [stammers] nothing.
I'm ju I'm just very excited for
our romantic-ass stroll on the beach.
[Maude singsongy] Yeah!
[phone chimes]
[Milton] Howdy, Phil.
Are you sure
you're ready for this, dum-dum?
[stammers] I don't know.
I mean, I love Maude
to a very large degree.
[Milton] Wow. Very convincing.
Gonna put that in the proposal?
I don't know.
[Milton] Phil, buddy,
let's put our cards on the table, mmm?
She's gonna figure out sooner or later
that you're not good enough for her.
Then it's gonna be clear sailing
for ole Milton.
Why are you so goddamn mean, Milton?
[Maude] Who you talking to, bug?
No one.
[knocking on door]
[Maude] Who's that?
I ordered drinks.
[child] Hello, Phil.
Hello.
I know you're on vacation,
but the Japanese have my nuts in a vice.
Your nuts?
In a vice, Phil. This is Ian, by the way.
This isn't real.
This isn't real.
This is very real, Phil.
You said I couldn't talk to you
until you're back at work,
so I found a loophole.
This boy's parents
are staying at your hotel,
so I wired them a thousand dollars
to allow the boy to wear an earpiece.
Now I'm dictating
everything the boy is saying.
Fart, butt, penis!
I did not say fart, or butt, or penis.
That was just the boy.
Jacob, if you're not
going to take this seriously,
please hand Phil the phone.
Fine.
Just take it.
Hey, Philly.
[Phil] Whoa.
I think your ear might be infected.
Uh, ear? No, that's-that's totally normal.
That's just the earring settling in.
Look, Phil,
we're at the finish line on this, man.
We just have to do one more thing.
We've got to fly to Japan
to do the whole song and dance in person
to ensure that Mythic Dance
is not offending cultural sensibilities.
So, go to Japan. Do the song and dance.
I mean, that's the thing
you're good at, right?
[Ian] I am good at it
and I am going to go,
but I need you to come with me, Phil.
Look, man, nobody knows this game
better than you do, including me.
You're the greatest art director
that I've ever worked with.
Mythic Quest needs you.
Please.
[Milton] Ian's right, you know?
You're a great art director,
but you'd be a piece of shit husband.
I say go for it. [chuckles]
Okay. I'll do it.
[Ian] Nice catch, Jacob.
[door closes]
Look, I know what you're gonna say,
Momo, but Ian needs me and I
I need you, Phil. I need you.
Is spending a week with me
in a really beautiful place,
is that just so difficult for you?
Is it so horrible that you wanna run away
'cause your boss said
one nice thing about you?
[stammers, sighs]
Okay, no answer. No, no, no. That's good.
[stammers] It's not gonna be
more than 24 hours.
You're not gonna even know
that I'm gone, Maude.
- Right.
- Ian is just He needs
- Ian?
- Yeah.
[stammers] I don't give a fuck about Ian.
This is not about Ian.
I don't think that you wanna be happy.
And you're terrified
of finding any joy or love for yourself
because you don't think you deserve it.
You don't think that you deserve me.
And, um [sniffles]
you're doing a really good job
of convincing me that that's true.
[sniffles]
[sighs]
Why are you so much happier
being miserable, bug?
I
- [sighs]
- I don't know.
[sighs]
[sighs]
["Natsu Nandesu" playing]
Oh, konichiwa, Phil Spector!
[gags]
He's a music producer. Also, a murderer.
That's a little dark.
Whoa! Phil!
That's, like, the greatest homburg
I've ever seen!
Great work!
What the fuck happened to your ear?
Why don't you take the earring out?
The ear is totally fine, Phil.
And I couldn't get the earring out,
even if I tried.
But the Japanese won't let me in there
for some health and safety bullshit,
which means I can't do the song and dance.
Which means
you've gotta do the song and dance.
Okay. Okay.
[inhales sharply] Yeah. I can do it.
I can walk them through the presentation
Uh, uh, uh
Uh, walk? Who said "walk"?
I didn't say the word "walk."
Oh. I see the confusion.
When I say "song and dance,"
you think I'm using a colloquialism,
when in fact I need you to demonstrate
the actual physical dance moves
of the game for the Japanese now.
What?
Are you telling me that I left my fiancée
to come get humiliated
in front of Japanese dignitaries?
Oh, my God. Wait, fiancée?
Phil, did you get engaged?
Mazel!
No. I mean, I meant to,
but I pr I had the I wrote it down.
Oh, but you bailed.
Because you knew that coming back
to Mythic Quest was gonna be best for you.
No. No!
A normal life
where I can go to Hawaii with Maude,
that's what's best for me.
Bilbo Baggins, are you in Hawaii right now
or are you in Japan?
Yeah. You're in Japan.
Because Mythic Quest
gives you what you need.
All that pressure, it took a lump of coal,
and it turned it into a diamond.
That's what you are, Phil.
When you're at Mythic Quest,
you're a diamond.
A beautiful, shining diamond.
I can barely see the diamond.
But I can.
He's standing right in front of me.
You know, this insane pep talk
is actually kinda working.
You know how fucked up that is?
You're shining. You're absolutely shining.
I want you to go up there.
I want you to find your light,
and I want you to shimmer
like the beautiful gem that you are.
[breathing heavily]
Konichiwa.
My name is Phil-san,
and, um, I am honored
to be in your country.
- It's lovely.
- [attendee coughs]
Beautiful, really.
I [exhales]
And now, I am, um
I'm gonna demonstrate to you,
uh, the gameplay of Mythic Dance.
[exhales deeply]
[whispers] This is a fucking nightmare.
- [beeps]
- [automated voice] Ready?
- [cheering on speakers]
- Let's dance!
[Japanese cover of "Creep"
playing on speakers]
- [crowd groans]
- Oops. Missed a step.
- [crowd groans]
- Keep trying.
- [crowd groans]
- Wow. Bad dancing.
- [crowd groans]
- Keep trying.
- [crowd booing]
- Bad dancing.
[Phil pants]
- [crowd booing]
- Missed a step.
- [crowd booing]
- Keep trying.
Bad dancing.
You've lost her. Missed a step.
[Phil] She could have anyone.
Why would she want you?
- [voice] You've lost her.
- [Phil] Why would she want you?
She could have anyone.
She could have anyone.
Why would she want you?
She could have anyone.
- [breathing heavily]
- You don't deserve love.
She could have anyone.
Why would she want you?
Why would she want you?
She could have anyone.
Why would she want you?
Why would she want you?
She could have anyone.
Why would she want you?
Why would she want you?
- [breathing heavily continues]
- [heartbeat thumping]
[song continues, normal]
[no audible dialogue]
[song ends]
[Phil] Thank you so much
for trusting me with your project.
I know how much it means to you.
I'm truly honored to have you
as my first client here
at PhilCo Design Firm. [imitates fanfare]
[Maude] Oh, Phil.
Oh, I love that we're getting married.
I don't love this,
so if we could just start over,
um, I have some ideas
that could really make it sing,
if you're open to a collaboration.
All right.
Okay, we gotta get you a new office.
Can you shut the fuck up, please?
["This Will Be Our Year" playing]