Significant Mother (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

1 [both moaning.]
Just so you know, this can only happen once.
Right.
One time thing.
Um Should you unhook that or should I? Oh yeah Oh! There's a little man in my butt.
Oh, sorry.
No, he's gonna be home tomorrow.
This has to be the last time.
That's what we said last time.
[Moans.]
Wow.
16 hours and this never happened.
[Upbeat music.]
Ah! Ah! Nate, you're home.
Early.
And you're snug as a bug in my mug.
I love that mug.
I made it in third grade.
The craftsmanship is flawless.
And now it's yours.
Come on, I can wash it.
Ah, thanks, but anything you put your penis in belongs to you.
So why you home so early, birthday boy? I wanted time to hang my Restaurateur of Tomorrow plaque.
I'm gonna buy some birthday jeans and then check on the restaurant before my surprise party.
That is a fantastic idea, 'cause the whole place has just been falling apart since you been gone.
In fact, you should probably head over there right now.
There could be a fire.
- I mean, who knows? You don't.
- All right.
Well, well, well.
What do we have here? Is there a lady in the house? Uh, pfft, no.
- In the morning? - What? - In the morning? - No.
No.
Really? Because Evan Rachel's wood disagrees with you.
Okay, fine, there is a lady here, which is why it would be great if you could just sneak out the back door so she can walk without shame.
Since when do you care if she Oh, my God.
You care.
Okay, okay, I'll go, but I'm taking this.
- Hey, give me that! - Oh, get off me, get off me! You have to promise to stop having sex on my tufted leather couch.
Okay, I'll wipe it.
No, that's not enough.
You have to disinfect it this time, because the vinegar spray just makes it smell like salad dressing.
Okay, great.
Just get out of here.
Okay, calm down.
Who is this girl? (Lydia) Hey, Jimmy, do we have time for one more round before Nate gets home Oh, my God! Please tell me that wasn't my mother.
[Upbeat music.]
[Vocalizing.]
Significant Mother - S01E01 Welcome to Bonetown Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
I-I'm so sorry, buddy.
Nate, stop spraying that.
It is not healthy.
Nothing about this is healthy.
Okay, just put the can down, buddy.
You get away from me.
And you, put on some real clothes.
This is all I wore over here, so Really? Were you at home watching The Graduate thinking, "well, that seems fun.
I have a raincoat.
I'll seduce Nate's best friend.
" No, no! No, we can explain.
I dare you to explain.
Okay.
Yep.
Um, okay, listen, buddy.
Your mother and I Whoa, never say, "your mother and I.
" No, honey, what Jimmy is trying to say Uh-uh! Don't you speak for him.
Oh, come on, buddy.
All these rules are making it really hard to communicate with you.
I don't want to communicate with you.
You defiled my mother.
No.
No, honey.
It was just a little sex.
- It'll never happen again.
- It didn't mean anything.
- Nothing.
- Not a thing.
Do you think the fact that you treated my mother like one of your bar groupies makes it better? And and do you think having sex with your son's best friend is acceptable behavior? And what the hell keeps poking me in the butt? Please tell me you were making a salad.
- Waldorf.
- Cobb.
Ugh! Waldorf doesn't have cucumbers.
[Mouths words.]
Burn the couch.
(Lydia) I can't believe I did this.
I'm a terrible mother.
No, I'm a terrible best friend.
You're an amazing mother.
I mean, I should know.
You practically raised me.
Okay, that's a little creepy.
- Yeah, I felt that.
- Okay, there's a logical explanation to all this, and I'm gonna figure out what it is.
I'm gonna go talk to Nate, and Do these jeans actually fit you? Oh, maybe we should just slow things down, have a couple of pints of what ales ya, and let the right thing to do just come to us.
Your closet brews can't help us now.
Actually, I brew with St.
John's Wort and Ginkgo Biloba for calm and clarity.
We don't have time for a beer epiphany.
Nate does well with cold, hard facts, and the longer he sits with this, the worse he's gonna make it in his head.
You're right.
I'm coming with you.
We made our bed and that is not the right analogy, but we're in this together.
That's so sweet, but the last thing in the world that Nate needs is to see the two of us together.
[Upbeat music.]
Captain on the bridge.
Happy birthday What is this? Who thought is a good idea to put veal and beef together? It's totally inappropriate.
It's also totally how we make meatballs.
We've always done that.
Yeah, well, I just realized how creepy that is.
It's against nature.
Now, hear this! From now on, the veal better keep its dirty hooves off the beef! Do you need one of those special hugs where your face ends up between my boobs? - Yeah? - Fresh veg.
Hey, sex pickle.
Hello, my little love truffle.
[Both groaning.]
Place of business! Place of business.
Business.
Nathaniel, you've got to try my rutabagas.
I planted them while the moon was in Taurus, so you really get the tasty earthiness on the palate.
Oh, oh, why don't you come and join me and Sam on the Farmstead tonight? We can sip some Pinot.
Watch the owls hunt.
Actually, I can't.
Jimmy and I are throwing a surprise party for Nate, which isn't a surprise because we do it every year.
Say no more.
I'm there.
Yeah, there's no party this year.
I've had enough surprises.
(Lydia) Nate.
- Oh, hey, Mrs.
M.
, sexy jeans.
- Oh, thanks, Sam.
- Um, can I talk to you? - No, Mom, I'm super busy.
Nate, you can't avoid me! Mom, talking about this is completely unnecessary.
- I'm fine.
- No, no.
You're not fine, and that's okay.
I messed up, but this was not premeditated.
I-I went over to the houseboat to bring Jimmy some of your baby pictures.
- In a trench coat and lingerie? - Let me finish.
Seems like Jimmy took care of that.
[Gasps.]
Do not turn this into a Nate-Of-Emergency! Shh! I married your father when I was 20.
Being single is a completely foreign experience to me.
I just stamped my passport at the wrong port.
Really? That's the metaphor you're going with? Nate, I did not mean to hurt you.
You are and always have been my top priority, but for a brief moment I just let myself go and it felt so Damn it! Nate, hate me if you want to, but don't hate Jimmy.
I took advantage of him.
- Would you are you kidding me? - You know? Do you have any idea what kind of a Lothario Jimmy is? His penis is like Anthony Bourdain.
It has no reservations.
Come on, Jimmy is a good guy and a great friend.
Do you remember in eighth grade when everyone called you Felicity? Jimmy stood in the cafeteria and shaved your head screaming, "Felicity is cancelled, bitches!" You don't throw away that kind of friendship over this.
Friends don't have one-night stands with each other's mothers.
This wasn't a one-night stand! - What? - What? I'm sorry.
What did you just say? There he is, Nate the great.
Happy birthday, my boy! Dad, you're in the best restaurant.
Why do you keep bringing food here? You don't expect me to actually eat this hippie bull, do you? Good evening, Lydia.
Wow! Lydia.
You look amazing.
Are you sleeping with somebody? Harrison, we are separated.
That's none of your business.
Nate, I will talk to you later.
Happy birthday! [Fake laughs.]
Okay.
Oh, yeah, look at the way she's walking.
She's definitely getting the high hard one.
What is wrong with the two of you? I am not your friend.
Okay? I'm your son.
So stop acting like real people around me.
- Fine.
- It's gross.
Sam, you have the bridge.
Restaurateur of Tomorrow? Why am I always the last one to know about everything? Give me a beer.
I need an epiphany.
Oh, I've had eight.
I feel one coming on.
Either that or a really nice buzz.
[Gasps.]
That bad, huh? I just talked to Nate, and I told him that this was more than just a one-night stand, and he freaked out.
He made it sound so cheap.
No, it wasn't cheap.
Maybe a little dirty but definitely not cheap.
Regardless, Nate is never gonna look at me the same way again.
Well, maybe that's not a bad thing.
I-I mean, think about it.
Up until now, Nate has only ever seen you as his mom.
All right? You're so much more than that.
When you were married to Mr.
M, I never saw how vibrant and passionate and funny you were.
Never saw my vagina, either.
See? All right, honestly, I've never met a woman like the you I met this week.
All right? She's pretty awesome.
I really hope she can stick around.
[Upbeat music.]
You got to be kidding me! Get off my mom! Technically, she's on me.
Go away.
No can do, buddy.
All right, at this point, you and me, we got to look this thing in the face and say its name.
Damn it! Is this thing regulation? Mm-hmm.
Hey, is this my basketball? Ah, God! [Bird caws.]
Wow, you're angry.
Which is great, 'cause if you're gonna get over this you got to go through it.
And that starts by beating the crap out of me.
Come on, punch me in the face.
I can take it, come on.
Jimmy, this isn't about me working through my anger.
This is about you throwing away a 20-year friendship over meaningless sex.
It wasn't meaningless.
Oh, oh, so now you have feelings for her? II guess I do.
Come on, man! You think I want to have feelings for her? You think I want to have feelings for any woman? Oh, no, no, of course not, because you like to get the milk for free.
Yeah, well, maybe this time I just want to buy the cow.
And when you say "the cow," do you mean my mother? Is that a trick question? (Harrison) Just tell me who he is.
You really have to give me back my key.
You cannot just waltz in here and ambush me whenever you feel like it.
As long as I'm paying the mortgage on this house, I retain the rights to have an emergency key.
There is no emergency.
Yes, there is.
My heart is breaking because my wife is sleeping with another man.
Oh, come on.
I start sleeping with someone and suddenly you care? Where were you six months ago? Oh, that's right.
Sleeping with half of Portland.
Two women.
Three if you count the twins.
Five women in six months.
You know what, and for the record, I wouldn't still be your wife Don't you bring up those divorce papers again.
We both know that's just a phase.
Like those bangs.
This is not like bangs! Lydia, we agreed to a trial separation.
I tried it.
I don't like it.
I want you back.
And I want Jimmy.
Jimmy? [Swallows.]
- Jimmy? - Hmm? Nate's best friend, Jimmy? I'm gonna kill him.
How are you gonna buy the cow, huh? With the money you don't make from your little closet brewery? Or or with the almost nothing that you make bartending a job that I gave you? Your dad had tons of money, and he never made your mom happy.
I mean, who knows? Maybe I can.
I think I might've liked it better when it was just you, my mom, and a genetically modified cucumber.
I mean, now it's it's what? It's you, my mom, and a cucumber in love? We never really used the - Oh, God.
- Not important.
All right, the point is we're not in love.
No, of course you're not in love.
You don't know what love is! Oh, and you do? You might be a "Restauranteur" of Tomorrow, buddy That's not how you But today, you're all alone.
I mean, you love Sam and you can't even ask her out.
I don't love Sam.
Oh, and I don't love hot yoga.
Now we're both lying.
Jimmy, enough, okay? Because of what you did, we can't be friends.
Why not? Would it really be so horrible for your best friend to be with your mom? Yes! Okay, if you want to bail on this friendship, that's your choice.
But I'm not going down without a fight.
I'm not gonna fight you.
You're weirdly strong.
Then we settle this the old-fashioned way.
Hop n' scotch.
Oh, no, no.
If you win, you can bail.
But if I win, you have to give me your blessing, and we get through this like grown men.
Says the guy who wants to play a drinking game for my mother.
I'd rather you just give me your blessing.
Well, I'm not going to.
You can't have her.
You're the one who said anything I put my penis in belongs to me.
Out of context! God! What's the matter? You scared Felicity? [Rock music.]
What did you just call me? You heard me, son.
[The Sugarhill Gang's Rapper's Delight.]
I said a hip hop The hippie, the hippie to the hip, hip, hop You don't stop, a rock it out Baby bubba to the boogity bang, bang The boogie to the boogie the beat With a hip hop The hippie to the hippity hip, hip hop You don't stop the rocking To the bang, bang boogie Say up jumped the boogie To the rhythm of the boogie the beat Nobody out-scotches old hoppy! [Grunts.]
[Dramatic music.]
Oh, no.
Who's winning? I'm pretty sure they're both losers.
No! [Yells.]
Yes! Cheaters never win, and winners never cheat! You can't cheat me out of your mom, Nate.
I am in her to win her.
Harrison, don't touch him! Oh, I'm gonna touch him.
Okay, now I'm gonna hit you.
Don't bother, son.
I'll do it.
- [Grunts.]
- [Gasps.]
Wrong face.
Hey, nobody punches my friend in the face.
(All) Surprise! [Cheering, noisemakers honk.]
Stop it, right now! - Oh, my God! - She's not your wife.
Yeah, well, she's not yours either.
Stop it! Stop it! - Ow! - Stop! Stop! Killing each other is not going to solve anything.
And neither is shaming me.
Now, for 26 years, I have put you boys first, and that stops now.
Nate, I am more than just your mother.
And Harrison, I am not your property.
And Jimmy, we'll talk later.
My my point is all of you are fighting over what you want, but nobody, nobody is asking me what I want.
(All) What do you want? I don't really know what I want yet.
But until I do, I'm gonna do what makes me happy.
So deal with it.
[Slow clap.]
- [Applause.]
- Oh.
Fine.
Do what you want.
I don't care.
Everyone do whatever and whoever you want! Go to Bonetown! I don't care.
Nate! Just leave me out of it.
(Sam) Hey.
Uh, some people were asking where Bonetown was.
Just Sam, please.
I'm I'm trying to organize.
Your feelings? They're not in those recipes, are they, buddy? Look, now that I know what's really going on, I got to say, I don't think it's that big of a deal.
Plus Jimmy has never fought for anything in his whole life.
And if he's fighting this hard for your mom, maybe So I'm just supposed to be cool with my mom hanging out at my house having sex, eating burritos? There is no world where that is normal.
Yeah.
Well, since when are families normal? And why can't your mom eat burritos? They're delicious.
Okay, fine.
I guess you're right.
Burritos are delicious.
Well, look at you, Mr.
Glass-Half-Full.
Although, considering the situation, I'm not quite sure what it's full of.
Sorry, just trying to lighten the load.
Can you please lay off my mom? [Gentle music.]
Today is your freaking birthday It went horribly awry - Aww.
- It did.
Yeah.
Your best friend banged your mother But you didn't even cry Uh-uh.
So proud of you.
Just like your day of birth You started safely in the womb And then your mom's vagina Sent you hurling toward your doom See, doom is actually a metaphor for, like, your entire life, really.
Oh, God.
I'm still working on it.
Jimmy banged your mom Now they're going to the prom Jimmy banged your mom I hope they're using I hope they're using a condom - God, that was so good.
- I know.
- Tremendous rhyme.
- I know.
Topically relevant, like I said.
Incredible.
All right, here we go.
Make a wish.
- Oh, Samantha! - Hey! Nathaniel.
Atticus interruptus.
My condolences for your conflict.
No, no, I really Mm-hmm.
- Looks lovely.
- It's cute.
Are you ready, darling? The owls wait for no man.
Or woman.
They don't wait for anything really.
They just hunt at will.
Hmm.
You gonna be okay, Marlowe? Yeah.
Go.
Your work here is done.
Keep your pecker up, mate.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Whoo-hoo! Hey, Sam, please clock out! I forgot! Oh, God.
Are you serious? Please, we have something to say.
We've discussed and agreed that whatever happened between us is over.
We may have feelings for each other, but we could never be truly happy if our happiness cost you yours.
Which is why I hereby swear that I will never lay another hand on your mom.
Unless she's falling.
Or she has an open wound, and I have to apply pressure.
Or high fives.
I can't rule out high fives.
Jimmy, okay, I-I appreciate what you're trying and failing to say.
And Mom, I-I'm sorry that I turned this whole thing into a Nate-Of-Emergency.
I do want you to be happy.
And yeah, this whole thing weirds the hell out of me, but whatever may or may not happen with you is up to you.
I just don't want to see it, hear it, smell it, taste it, or touch it.
- Ah.
- Wow, Nate.
- Does that does that work? - I love you.
I said I didn't want to touch it.
Oh, right.
Right.
Okay, can we just sit down, relax, enjoy what remains of my birthday? You know, after everything that happened I never got a chance to give you your present.
Oh, it's high-tech.
Yeah.
[Jimmy on video.]
Hey, buddy.
For your gift, I'm making you a photo montage to show you how much I'm appreciate gift of your friendship.
This is the first day we met.
I was waiting in line to use the bathroom in Pre-k, and it took so long that I wet my pants.
- [Laughter.]
- Hmm.
You you gave me your spare pair.
You were always so prepared.
This was your fifth birthday.
On this day Why are you using a camcorder? Why don't you just use your iPhone? No, analog's safer.
[Gasps.]
Could you imagine if it got on the Internet and Nate saw it? Aah! Is is it over?