Single Drunk Female (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1 What's up? Where is everybody? They're so late.
That's so unprofessional of them.
You should talk to them.
The meeting ended ten minutes ago, Sam.
- You're late.
- What? Someone changed the meeting time and didn't tell me? - That's messed up.
- Nope.
- It was probably Austin.
- Nope.
That kid sucks.
He's had it out for me since day one.
- Sam.
- I'm telling you.
He's, like, genuinely - very jealous of me.
- Sam, you're drunk.
- What? - You're a holding a bottle of vodka - right in front of me.
- This is water.
- It's water, and honestly - Can I smell it? - Would it matter? - Yeah, - it actually does matter.
- Dude, it doesn't matter.
I could do this job drunk, sober, juggling.
I mean, come on, you name it, I could do it.
This is ridiculous.
We're not winning Pulitzers here, man.
I don't want to, like, rain on your parade, but, like, "Hey, here's ten dogs that look the cast of Gossip Girl"? Sam, what are you doing? What am I doing?! That is an interesting question.
What are we doing here? We just sit around and friggin' talk to each other - and wait to die? - Listen, here's the good news.
You don't have to worry about any of this stuff ever again, okay? Because you're fired.
Fired? You're firing me? - Yeah.
- Wow.
Because I am a woman - who said something true.
- No.
Oh, my God.
Seriously? I'm gonna find a lawsuit in there.
- I can guarantee it.
- For what? - And I'm gonna find it - For you being drunk every day and showing up to work? - That's why you're fired.
- You're fired.
- Sam, just get out, please.
- I'm not leaving! - You you have - This is, this is happening now.
I'm hanging out.
- Sam, I don't want to - Nope.
- Okay.
- I'm not going anywhere.
- Too bad.
So sad.
I'm staying in your office.
- All right.
- I'm occupying the space.
- I didn't want to do it like this, - but you leave no choice.
Okay.
- What are you doing? I'll tell you what I'm not doing is I'm not putting my hands on you and moving you myself, 'cause that's not cool.
All right? - That's a Cuomo and I'm not doing that.
- Security.
Yeah, security, this is Bzzzzzzzzzz.
- Uh, sixth floor conference room.
- Security? There's a burglar here.
A short woman.
- Give me this.
- Orange sweater.
- Come on! - Dark hair.
No.
- Let me talk to them.
- Get out Sam.
- Let me tell them the truth.
Let me tell them the truth.
- Hi, this is - God, you're strong.
This is the aforementioned Sam.
I was telling him something honest, and the patriarchy couldn't handle that.
- Do you hear me? - Oh, my God.
Please.
Let me have it! You know what? - I quit! - Aah! Ow! God! What the hell, Sam? Oh.
- Sir? Are you okay? - Oh, God.
Oh, my God.
- - SAMANTHA: I followed you on Instagram.
I noticed that you haven't followed me back yet, but I figured since they won't give me your cell phone number, we could just, like, DM or something and keep it touch that way, or - Mm.
- Oh, I guess I can just email you, right? That's fine.
Okay.
- I just don't want - Hurry up! I have my spiritual book club meeting at 2:00, and I can't miss it because I'm the speaker.
I sincerely hope you don't come back.
I'm gonna miss you.
Yeah.
- Hello, Smother.
- Hello, Beauty Girl.
Is that your New York apartment in one bag? Can you not can we not on the seat? Because it's clean.
Okay, it's not.
It's It's fine.
Thanks for not making me take the T.
Oh.
Who's who's that your rehab boyfriend? No.
That's my therapist.
Sidney.
Did you just talk about me the whole time? Yes, Mother.
It's all about you.
But yeah, basically.
You so sad Don't pull up to tell me how you feel 'Cause it won't end up going your way I've been fooled once, but I won't be fooled again My Z-O-D told me we don't match today So I've been duckin', you're buggin' Like Frank, catch me if you can Catch me if you can Quite frankly, I think that you'll thank me For this when you understand Yeah, yeah, yeah Oh.
What are you getting all tarted-up for? I have an audition for Chicago, national tour.
- Really? - I'm going to meet - my new probation officer.
- Well, let's hope, for your sake, he's a man, because men let things slide - when you're pretty.
- Oh.
Thank you for saying I look pretty - while I hide my withdrawal zits.
- You're welcome.
You're not actually really covering your zits.
- That's a little It's pale.
- Okay.
The color.
Teeny.
Teeny.
Here Trying to play a big boy game Don't play the family card.
I cannot right now.
Mm-mmm.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Sorry.
My sister's husband just died.
- It's a whole thing.
- Oh.
Well, he was 87.
He lived a good life.
And now she's very rich.
But we're here to talk about you.
So - Mm.
- I had one bad day that turned into a Class A misdemeanor.
Otherwise known as reckless assault.
Yes, but I did a 30-day rehab program.
I picked up enough trash on the side of the road to make it all good, you know? I I did the crime, but I did the time, and I'm not sure why I'm here.
You're here 'cause someone got you the best deal I've ever seen.
Well, I think if it was the best deal you'd ever seen, I wouldn't be sitting in your office, I'd be watching every version of Pride and Prejudice ever made.
Okay.
So, the State of New York has put under my care, and as part of your probation, um, you'll need to attend meetings every day for 90 days.
Go ahead and get someone at the meeting to sign that for you, okay? Uh, all right.
I'm just spitballing here.
What if I hit three meetings a day for 30 days? Some some fast math.
Feel like I could just get sober real quick.
Okay.
You know what? Hi.
Hi.
- I'm Olivia.
- Samantha.
You're new.
- How can you tell? - That's easy.
You're vibrating.
Oh.
"Heard ur back from New York bitch! We gotta celebrate at Good Time Sally's tonight!!!" - Who's this? - Uh, this is Samantha.
- Samantha, say hi to James.
- Hi, James.
- Hey.
- So, what brings you here today? Oh, uh, public intoxication, destruction of personal property, almost blinding my coworker.
Being awesome.
Sounds epic.
I'm gonna go check in with my harem of sponsees.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah, no, of course.
- Great.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Mm.
All right, yo, so we can keep our thing a secret, unless you want to talk about it, or we can just pretend like it never happened.
Talk about what? Last Thanksgiving.
Yikes.
You don't remember.
Oh, no.
What? There's a lot about the last 12 years I don't remember.
Yeah, then forget about it.
Don't even worry I didn't say anything.
- It's fine.
- Forget about what? Okay.
Last Thanksgiving, you and I met at Good Time Sally's.
- Met? - Yeah.
We met at Good Time Sally's.
We met once on the bar, and, uh, once in the bathroom.
- Oh.
- Okay, that's enough.
- Yeah.
- Go sit down.
Yeah.
Nice to meet you, Sam.
Is that is that something? You guys gossip a lot for a place that's supposed to be anonymous.
Um, can you please sign this thing that proves I was here? Not 'till after the meeting, I'm afraid.
- Oh, that's, like, 45 minutes.
- It's actually longer, 'cause - I like to schmooze afterwards.
- Yeah, but I'm not one of them, so No, but if you're ever looking for more than a signature, give me a call.
This is not something you want to do alone.
I don't want to do this all.
The prodigal daughter returns.
Wow.
You actually learned something in Catholic school? - Oh, I had one of the good ones.
- Yes, you did.
Oh! My beautiful Samantha.
- Aah! - Aah! How've you been? Ah, you know, my sister's an asshole, and Zack's a little TikTok star.
- Wow, you're such a stage mom.
- Yeah, but a hot stage mom.
Tommy, two beers, two shots.
- None for me, thanks.
- Coming right up.
Oh, my Samantha is back in town.
We're gonna party like when Tom - was still with the Patriots.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, man.
Yeah, I can't.
You're Samantha Fink.
You're the Russian-Jewish tank.
I know, but I'm hanging up my jersey.
All right, suit yourself.
I'll have yours.
On the Mic I'm gonna murder ya, tear you up Ah.
Until now, when I caught you With the wild style, twist, twist When I diss on a chump.
- All right, but stop me at two.
- Yeah, for sure.
- Two.
- All right.
- That my best friend, she a real bad Got her own money, she don't need no On the dance floor, she had two, three drinks Now she twerkin', she throw it out and come back in That my best friend, she a real bad You look so hot right now.
I know.
Yay! Beep-beep Is that my bestie in a Tessie? Fresh blow out, skin on tan Ooh, she ready Best friend, you my mother soulmate.
You know, they say the secret to sobriety is one day at a time, so, I'll just start over tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Backstabber.
How dare she show her face in my bar.
Let's run her out.
All right.
I'll try, but I ate a lot of chicken parm.
Oh, you got to pace yourself.
Oh, my God.
It's Sam.
Hey, Sam.
- Hi.
Nice hat.
- Yeah.
Chantel forced me to wear this.
You and Joel are getting married.
- Yeah.
I didn't want you to find out this way.
- All right, don't be sorry.
Come on.
You guys have been together a long time.
This is, like, pretty small-town inevitable, right? Yeah.
So do you guys want to, like, hang out with us? - You can have some cake.
- Felicia, do you want to have, uh, cake with the gal who's marrying my ex-boyfriend? - Okay, Sam, you - I would never have a slice of your skank cake.
- Oh.
- Uh, o okay.
All right, okay.
Next time.
Okay.
- Boom, bitches.
- Just stop.
Look - Give me five.
- Oh.
Ah.
- Sam? - Hey.
No, no, no, no.
Use this.
I don't need you spraying all over the walls again.
Oh, that last time was me, actually.
- You remember that? - Why are people like this? Thank you.
Sam, how you feeling? Can we help you? Can I just talk to Sam? Would you like to talk to her, Sam? Yeah, why not? All right.
Fine.
I got to call my babysitter anyway, so Way too small of a target.
You know what I mean? Samantha, you're back from New York.
Oh, yeah.
Living with Mom.
We're like Grey Gardens on acid, you know? Oh, my God.
That sounds terrifying.
- My baby asleep yet or what? - You have no idea.
So, rehab? Oh.
Yeah, that was just mandatory so my office wouldn't sue.
You know, it wasn't a big deal.
And obviously a huge waste of time, because I can control my drinking when I want to.
Yeah, look, Sam, I just I want to say I'm sorry, okay? You know, since you blocked me on all social media.
Thought this was my one chance and Are you sorry about the hat or the marrying my ex? - I'm just a little confused.
- You don't have to be a dick about it.
You know Joel and I have been together for a long time, and you guys have been broken up for a long time.
Sam, life moves forward even if you don't.
Oh, my God.
That was beautiful.
I got to get that tattooed on butt.
Could you just not do the whole victimy thing right now? You know, this is exactly like when I got first chair violin - and you got last.
- Out of three violins.
Why do you keep bringing that up? Okay, look, I just Everything's not always about you.
I know things have been rough since your dad passed away.
I really tried.
I came to New York to meet you at that restaurant.
I sat there waiting for you for two hours, eating edamame.
Like, so much edamame, because I wanted to tell you about this in person.
I am very sorry about that, honestly.
- I was very busy that day.
- Oh, yeah? - Doing what? - Sorry.
You're right.
I forgot.
You're a doctor who saves lives, so your life is - so much more important - Yeah.
You know what, - than mine! - this is just like you.
Hey! What's going on? Are we all right? Everything's totally fine.
I actually have some very important work to do - and some files and so on and so forth.
- All right.
So I'm gonna get to that, - and you ladies have a nice evening.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
Sam.
Hey, Sam.
Sammy? - Oh, wait.
- Sammy.
Sammy, you can't drive.
- No, Sam, I've got Lyft credits.
- Sam, just, look.
- Hey, Sam, Sam, just take a Lyft, please.
I know you hate me.
Just let me take you home in the party bus.
- Okay? It's right - Yeah, well, I don't know if you can - call it a party bus if it doesn't have a stripper pole.
- Sam She's right.
Hey, Sam, no, no, look.
There there's no stripper pole, but there there is a there is a disco ball.
- Oh, you got one.
- You love a disco ball.
Xander is 4.
8 stars and he's on his way.
Enough! - Where is she going? - Well, at least she's going slow.
- No, no, no, no, no, no! - Oh! Samantha?! You guys okay? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Here she is.
Thank you.
- Samantha, wake up.
- Who? Huh? Oh.
How did you find me? You don't remember calling me last night, scream-crying? You were in jail, they were never going to let you out, - you needed a fried chicken sandwich? - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Yeah.
I called the call.
Must have been really drunk.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll take this one.
Sweet.
You run a fine establishment here, sir.
Thank you, Officer.
So, what you try to convert people when they're truly desperate? Mm, it's the best time to do it.
But if it makes you feel any better, I am already regretting my decision.
Oh, no, no.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Seriously, uh, you're, like, my last friend on Earth, so I am not your friend.
Right.
Of course not.
- Could you be my sponsor? - Oh, I don't know.
I have seven sponsees, but two of them don't call me, so maybe.
Do you know what a sponsor does? We get coffee and go shopping.
We get coffee, and we talk about alcoholism.
You ready to do that? I don't know what that is.
What am I supposed to do? Just try to be a person.
Brush your teeth, take a shower.
You make your bed every day.
Is the make-your-bed thing metaphorical, or should I really do that? - You sure I can't just stay with you? - I'm sure.
- I could sleep in your car.
- Goodbye.
- Oh, hello.
- I know you're upset, Mom.
Oh, I'm just Sit down.
Yeah, I'm covered in, like, 50 kinds of urine - and every STD right now.
- Okay, don't sit.
I know you're probably mad.
I'm not mad.
I'm done.
Yeah.
No, I know, and I'm sorry, but if you could just let me explain - to you what - It's been 24 hours since you left rehab.
You've already been arrested for drunk driving after totaling my car, so no.
Okay, so, I'm sitting at the bar, right? - Oh, God.
- Dead sober.
Swear to God I could drive a school bus.
- I'm really not.
I'm just not.
- But then Brit - walks in the door, okay? - Yeah? And she's wearing a veil on her head, - Okay.
- because it's her bachelorette party, - and she's marrying Joel.
- I know.
I'm going to their wedding.
- Are you kidding me? - No.
- I've known Brit since she was little.
- Yes, Mother, - because she was my friend.
- This isn't about Brit.
This is about you growing up.
So, number one you're gonna start paying me rent or find another place to live.
- I just got out of rehab.
- Yeah, and I spent a lot of money for that place, money that I was saving for my neck lift, which now I can't have because of you.
Where would you like me to go? I don't have any money.
That is what my book group calls not my problem.
So, you're gonna get a job, and with that job, you're gonna pay me rent.
I'm trying that setting boundaries thing.
I think I'm quite good at it.
Oh, no, you should keep the boat.
I don't know how to drive a boat, but it couldn't be that hard to learn.
Oh, um, look, o-owning a boat is not a real problem.
I got real problems, and I got to go.
Yeah.
Bye.
Sorry.
My sister is still "grieving.
" So, your lucky streak continues.
- That's funny.
I don't feel very lucky.
- Oh.
Well, the judge assigned to your case approved your pre-trial probation.
- And that means? - I mean, I recommended 60 days of jail time.
- What? - But with overcrowding and good behavior, it would have been, like, two weeks.
But that judge he overruled me.
So so what is happening? Oh, you're not going to jail.
- Mm-mmm.
- Oh, my God.
No, no, no, no, no.
But over the next 12 months, you will need to complete 250 hours of community service, maintain your sobriety, go to meetings, and complete driver's ed, because apparently, you can't drive without getting drunk and hitting large objects.
Just know that if you make so much as one slip-up, you're going straight to jail.
So, stay on your path, and your case will be dismissed within the year.
It's your choice.
- Seems easy enough.
- Oh, let's be honest.
You make it hard.
Hi.
Uh, hi.
I have three days.
I want all the booze and all the sex and all the drugs all at the same time.
You want to come in for a cup of tea? It's not blow, but it's all I have.
Oh, that's all right.
I only do coke to help me drink more.
Come on.
Are serious? Way to bury the lead.
- What? - I'm Olivia Elliot, and this is Off Our Docs.
You're a listener? Big-time.
Big-time listener.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
I can't believe you're an alcoholic.
Anyone can be an alcoholic.
It's a disease.
Yeah.
I just meant, like, this is a lot of stuff to get while you're drinking.
Oh, I didn't get it while I was drinking.
I've been sober for ten years.
But the cash and prizes don't all come at once, so, don't call me next week asking me where your mortgage is.
I won't.
Don't even have a job.
Um, my sponsee, Mindy she manages Giovanni's Market.
I know she'd been looking for a cashier.
Wow.
Okay.
Got it.
Okay.
Cashier and then Peabody - Okay.
- and then sick house.
- And then, awesome paint colors.
- Yeah, let's just worry about getting the job first and let your higher power take care of the rest.
I knew it was a cult.
So, Giovanni's.
- Yup.
- I'm proud of you.
Definitely did not think you could do it.
I'm really sorry for crashing your car.
Don't be dramatic.
It was 12 years old.
They don't even make parts for it anymore, so what are you gonna do? - What are you doing? - What? Thought you could have one glass of wine.
No.
No, I can't.
Unfortunately, that's not how it works.
I can do this, though, right? That's okay? Yeah.
Yeah, you can do whatever you want, Mom.
Phew! Not that it's a big deal or anything.
Yeah, well, it turns out, I can't.
Apparently, alcoholism is a disease, and, uh boy, do I have it.
Did you just say you have a disease? - Mom - You don't have a disease.
I know what a disease looks like.
- Leukemia, for one.
- Right.
Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry.
I wasn't trying to bring up Dad.
- I really - A disease is when you can't walk from your bed to the bathroom.
Right.
I hear you.
Seriously.
I was just trying to say that, like, it's recognized as a disease.
You can you can look it up, but that's all.
If you want to call yourself sick, call yourself sick.
But don't judge me for having some wine at night, because everybody wants to have some wine at night.
It's hard to be a person.
Just doing the best that I can.
I'm sure you are, and welcome.
The rest of us have been doing the best we can the whole time you've been drinking.
- Hey, hey.
You okay? - What? - No.
Jesus.
- What - What happened? - Didn't know there'd be so much stuff and feelings or whatever.
No, no, no, that's the worst part by, like, a long shot.
It's just, like, a bunch of garbage people giving me garbage advice.
I don't need that.
I could just keep doing exactly what I'm doing, and-and one day write an autobiography of a trash bag, featuring me, because I am an expert.
You know, like, I'm one of them.
So I'm gonna be real.
Uh, that's a terrible idea.
You shouldn't write that.
That's a bad book.
That's a real bad book.
I do remember you.
- Sure you do.
- No, I do.
I kept calling you the Winklevoss Twins - because you code? - And that never made sense - because that's two white guys.
- To be fair, you kept calling me Norah Jones.
But do you see how that's not two people? - I do.
- Yeah.
I'll see you in there, yeah? You okay? Nope.