Single Long (2012) s01e01 Episode Script

1
(phone chimes)
Voicemail:
Hey, Pete, it's Amanda.
I got your
seven voicemails
and, um, I don't think
I'm gonna be able to meet you
for dinner tonight.
Uh, you said that
we've been together
for a year and a half.
I don't know, maybe you were
drunk or something,
but you can't just take
the first time
we slept together
and the last time
we slept together
and subtract
the difference.
It doesn't
make any sense.
Hey. Shh.
I'm on the phone.
I'll just be like
one sec, shh
(giggles)
Okay, hold on.
Anyway, maybe we can
get together next week,
maybe for dinner
or something.
I don't know.
We'll stay in touch.
And, hey, I miss you.
It's no secret
that you've had a bad day,
dear friend ♪
(vocalizing)
Whoa-oh-oh-ohh. ♪
- Can you see it? Is it on?
- Yeah, hold on.
I don't really know
how this thing works.
- There we go.
There we go. Yeah.
- There it is.
- Hello.
- Oh, we're adorable.
I don't know.
I think I just look
lucky as hell.
- (knocks)
- Oh, hey.
Yo.
Checking out
the new bedroom?
Yeah. I'm trying
to picture it
as more than
just our old closet.
You know, I'm trying to see it
as our new roommate's bedroom.
- That's really weird,
isn't it?
- Yeah.
It's definitely a closet.
Yeah, this guy Noah,
is he gonna be okay?
- He's weird.
- Weird is fine.
He's definitely weird.
Uh, I like him, though.
Well, good,
'cause I don't have
any job prospects.
I'm not any good
with jobs.
No one's gonna
give one to me.
Well, he's down to pay
1/3 of the rent.
- And that's what we need.
- That's something.
I'm afraid
that once I pay rent,
I'm going to
starve to death.
Just straight-up.
(music playing)
(brakes squeaking)
(humming softly)
Bus P.A.:
Route 146
Okay, okay,
and ta-da!
- (gasps) Website!
- The site.
- Yay!
- "Single Long."
- Yeah. So we got
the logo there.
- Awesome.
- Single girls on the left
- Absolutely.
blue background.
Single guys on the right,
- pink background.
- I don't understand
what you did there,
but I like it.
- Switch the gender norms.
- Yeah. Yeah, okay.
- You could call it ironic.
- Just messing with people's
heads a little bit?
Exactly. A little hipster.
A little contingent there.
- That'll get a giggle.
- Yeah.
And, so, okay,
you go to, say, "Emily."
Double-click "Emily."
Video goes here.
I make the video.
I take the pictures.
And then this
is your spot right here.
You see this blank spot?
- I swoop in and I fill
this text box with
- With your writing.
So basically,
we transcribe the interview.
And then you take
the most interesting parts
and you boil it down
to some bullet points.
Stuff that they like.
Stuff that other people
will like.
Stuff that
other people will like
'cause we want to show them
in the best light.
Exactly, so I make them
look pretty.
You make them
sound interesting.
That's our business model.
"Single Long makes you
pretty and interesting
because your shitty life
is neither pretty
nor interesting."
- I like it. I like it.
- That's what we do.
I still think
this is a good idea.
'Cause nobody
thinks they're pretty
and interesting, right?
Well, I think I'm pretty
and interesting.
Yeah?
How's Amanda doing?
Great. Why do you
we're not broken up now.
We're together.
She's your ex-girlfriend
who you fuck.
- Karen is my ex-girlfriend
from high school.
- Yeah.
Amanda is
my girlfriend now
who I date now
now that I'm no longer
in high school.
So even though
she dumped you, it takes
two to decide they're exes.
- Is that what you're saying?
- Yes, but you can undo
dumping someone.
Like, if you dump someone,
you can get back together.
Did she ask you
to get back together?
She didn't ask,
but it doesn't
we don't have to
We're beyond that.
We've known each other
for so long.
- So you pretended
in your head.
- I didn't pretend in my head.
- I knew in my head.
- That's like
that's like
serial killer shit.
You have a pretend
girlfriend in your head.
No, she's not
she's a real girlfriend.
I'm just
I know that she's
my girlfriend in my head
in a way that I don't
really need confirmed
by what happens
in the world explicitly.
Hey, Maamaan.
Yeah, I have my comedy
show tonight.
Yeah, I'm wearing my tights.
Not my whole butt.
Just I mean, part
I mean, part of it.
Just like I don't know,
like the round part,
I guess, is showing.
I know. I know my ass
is not for everyone.
I've been working
on this material
for a little bit
and the venue's
kind of like
it's a little bigger
than what I'm used to,
so I thought maybe
I don't know
you can, like,
come check it out.
(speaks Farsi)
That translates
to "fart to my beard."
What does that
what does that mean?
What is that
supposed to mean?
Could you stop saying
I'm gonna get raped
all the time?
(stammers)
I have fear.
Fear's just
inside of me now
all the time.
Okay. All right.
I'm gonna go.
The bus is coming.
Okay.
I'll talk
to you later. Bye.
(music playing)
(music continues)
- Good to see you.
- Oh, my God, man.
- Hi, how are you?
- Roomie, Noah.
So nice to meet you.
Noah.
- It's so good to see you.
- Welcome home, Noah.
That's right.
Sweet home Chicago.
- This is my home.
- Hope you like your closet.
Oh, you know I'm gonna
love my closet
my own sort of space,
you know.
- It feels great to me.
It feels great.
- Awesome.
We should go out tonight,
celebrate.
I don't know if I have
the money to go out tonight.
- What? Seriously?
- Yeah, you two should
go ahead, though.
I mean, I'm sure you have
a lot to catch up on.
Just I feel like
I'd be a little lame.
Okay, Noah, Pete here
is about to go into
whiney-bitch-cry-
in-his-pajama-pants mode
over this girl
who never loved him.
- Dude
- Ever, ever loved him.
And I can't see that
happen again.
Noah, as our new roommate
and as Pete's new friend,
you also can't see that
happen again, right?
He's never seen it
to begin with.
I can't see that happen,
not again.
That would break my heart.
I agree with Isaac.
I think we gotta
go out tonight.
There you go.
I second Noah.
- Cheers. Cheers.
- Right there.
Party?
Party time?
Party o'clock?
Do you want one?
Woman:
Yeah, I'm from Chicago.
I took the Red Line
earlier today and
it was crowded.
This mom
and this daughter
came on.
And you can tell
they're doing that thing
where they're looking
for a seat next to each other.
So the mom points
to the empty seat
next to me
and tells the daughter,
"Oh, you can sit there.
She won't bite."
And the daughter is so cute.
She's at that age
where she's still afraid
of strangers.
You can tell.
She's holding on
to her mom's skirt.
So I bit her.
Because your mom
is not your friend.
Hey, did we lose Noah
somewhere along the way?
I don't know.
Y don't see him.
We have accidentally walked
into an open mic night.
- Oh, fuck.
- This isn't good.
Hey, could you
grab me one, too?
Hey, yeah.
- Could I pay for it?
- Okay.
Came home late last night.
My mom's like, "Where have
you been?"
Thank you, my good man.
Here you go.
Hey, nice shirt.
What does that say?
"I Heart Wellness."
That's awesome.
- Totally.
- I love that.
She's like, "I wasn't
always this boring.
I got this way
from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes,
checking your hymen
every single night."
- (scattered laughter)
- She's good, man.
Eh.
Open mic night, man?
This is pretty damn good.
- You want to hear
something weird?
- Sure.
I've actually hooked up
with this chick.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Her?
- Yeah.
- Well, did you
tell me about it?
- No.
Well, why the hell
didn't you tell me
about it?
Because it was the worst
sexual experience
of my adult life
and I didn't want to
relive it with anyone.
Well, now I have
to know about it.
That's not cool.
- Tell me.
Details, details, please.
- Okay.
All right, okay.
Um, okay, so,
I want you to picture
Crazy Eyes up there
- staring at you
the whole time.
- Sure.
So, the two of us
were hooking up
and things are going
really well, you know,
from making out
to feeling,
then the clothes came off
and the things that
normally happen.
And so we started
having sex.
And it's great.
- She's really into it.
She's loud.
- Okay.
And so I'm feeling
confident
and she's reinforcing
that confidence
- with her screeching.
- Okay, okay.
The rhythm is good
and the pace is great.
I'm lasting longer
than usual.
Are you
just bragging?
No, this is all to lead up
to the terrible thing
that happened at the end,
which is I was about
to reach climax.
I was clenching.
I was holding on.
Don't look at me like that.
You know what I'm talking about.
And she looks me
right in the eyes.
And I don't know
what she's gonna say,
'cause she's been saying
some dirty shit.
She says, "Have you ever
had a girl get an abortion?"
(mimics swish)
- What?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And then
she laughed at me.
What the
what the fuck
do you say to that?
Well, what I said
was, "Uh, no?"
- I hope so.
Yeah, jeez.
- Yeah.
I almost said,
"Why do you ask?"
And then I thought
the answer to that
could be disastrous.
"What about you?"
That doesn't work.
No, uh,
"I'm not really sure"?
"No, but I'm willing to try
anything once just for you."
"Just for you, baby."
(clicks tongue)
- "I'll put
a little Isaac in you."
- Yeah oof.
I just got back from China.
You know, I think
I might have anemia
because this beer is
really hitting me right now.
I mean, you could
take advantage of me.
Sexually, I mean.
I mean, you know
what I mean.
Hopefully, I've been
conveying that with
my eyes this whole time.
- (phone vibrates)
- Oh, shit. Hold on.
- Got a phone call?
- Don't look at my phone.
Sorry.
Um, I'm gonna
step outside
and make a call
real quick, okay?
Okay.
- All right?
- Yeah.
Don't leave me
alone too long.
I will not.
I promise.
Watch my beer
like a hawk.
- I can't promise that.
- Like a beer hawk.
- Amanda: Hey, hello.
- Hey, pretty lady.
What's going on?
Oh, my God.
I think I drank too much.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm at a bar, too.
I'm stuck
in the bathroom.
- Amanda, I can't
really hear you.
- Hello?
- Hey, can you hear me?
- Amanda, you're go
go outside the bar.
Where's Adam?
No, get out
get outside the bar.
I can't hear you.
You're not coming
through at all.
Just get out
Where are you?
(sighs)
Amanda
- Hey, I'm gonna go.
- (phone goes silent)
Amanda, I can't
God damn it.
Amanda, I
No.
No, no, no.
I was thinking about
everyone else.
Thank you guys so much.
Thank you.
(scattered applause)
Shit.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sor
no, I was just
I'm sorry.
No. No, I'm sorry.
It's totally cool.
- That's really embarrassing.
- I do it all the time.
So don't even
worry about it.
Keep going.
You're it's
let it out, so
Hey, you were
really good in there.
- What?
- I thought you
were really funny.
Your stand-up I thought
was really funny.
I laughed a lot
at your stand-up.
You were in there?
Yeah, I was in
the audience for that.
Thanks.
Okay.
Hey, can I
can I ask you
a question?
- Sure.
- Yeah?
Yeah, what's up?
Have you ever
thought about,
like, writing?
Comedy writing?
Writing for comedy?
Um, y-yeah.
- Yeah?
- I mean, um, it's
kind of like stand-up
except probably not
in front of a whole
group of strangers.
Right, no one's there.
You don't even have to
wear pants when you do it.
(laughs)
Okay, I'm sorry.
The reason I ask is
my room
my friend and I,
we have this website.
- We're starting a website.
- Oh, cool.
And we're looking for writers
who are really funny.
I thought you
were really funny.
- Um
- Oh, cool.
so if it's something
you're interested in, maybe
This is gonna
sound weird
maybe we could
grab a cup of coffee
sometime and just talk about
whether or not
it's a good project
for you to work on.
You know, get your feet wet
with comedy writing?
Um
- Sure.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- That's awesome.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm I'm Pete.
Ayla.
(music playing)
We laughed and smiled
and pulled the sheets ♪
The lines and dips
we shape beneath ♪
Your beauty and your grace
kept me whole ♪
And midnight drives
with the windows down ♪
You're fast asleep
without a sound ♪
All roads,
they lead downtown ♪
Downtown ♪
Downtown ♪
Downtown. ♪