Single White Spenny (2011) s01e01 Episode Script
Revenge Sex
Last time my friend, Chelsea, set me up with one of her friends, I had to get a tetanus shot.
But Molly is different.
Hey, you know what would be fun? Call Chelsea, tell her I stood you up and pretend you're crying.
Spencer, I couldn't do that.
Oh, come on.
I can't.
I've never done a practical joke in my entire life.
Get out.
You've never called up a store and asked for, uh, Oliver Clothesoff? Make Apeepee? Never.
Ever, ever.
Come on.
What are you doing? No guts, no glory.
No, no, no, no- Here we go.
What are you doing? It's ringing.
I'm nervous, I'm gonna pee.
Hello? Chelsea, it's Molly.
Listen, I am, I am so sorry that I set you up with him, okay? But my intentions were good and you need to think of Spenny as a trial run and a way of getting you back out there.
Okay, do you forgive me? I can't fib, I'm sorry! Chelsea! Yeah? We're having a great time! What? Yeah! He's, um, kind and sweet and funny.
Ask to see his ID.
Do you want to speak to him? No, not really.
Chelsea! Spenny, what did you do to her? Did you spike her tea? I knew I shouldn't have told you she doesn't drink! Molly is a sweet and vulnerable girl, do not hurt her! Chels, relax, everything's going great.
You might have made a match in heaven here.
Oh, I wanna believe you, I do, I really do, but like, she's my only friend other than you.
so I swear to fu- What'd she say? Over the moon.
So am I.
Me too.
Ugh!!! I wonder if we'll like the same appetizers.
I bet we do.
You know what? Okay, on the count of 3 we're both gonna say what we're gonna order, out loud If we pick the same thing, I am gonna die.
Um- Can you excuse me for just a sec? Okay! You can think about it.
Huh.
If it isn't the devil's spawn.
Last time I heard that voice it was begging for mercy.
Hello, Spencer.
What did you order for dinner? Entrails from your last victim? Run along.
This is my social time.
You know, if I had a sledgehammer, I'd smash that rotten divorce lawyer skull of yours.
I'll give you five minutes in the hallway, then I file a restraining order.
Where do you get off ruining my dinner date? Your dinner date? Where do you get off ruining my life? You said things about me that were unconscionable! You lied about me in court! I was hired by your wife to do a job! Do you have a fetish for watching me sob? Truthfully, crushing you in court gave me a power rush so intense, I actually had an orgasm.
You did? What's happening? You destroyed me in court! I hate you, divorce lawyer! Ahhhhhhh! I hate you! That feels good! CRASH! Oh, my god! Oh, I picked my appetizer! Did you pick yours? Uh Are you okay? Yeah, great.
Good! You look rosy.
My name is Spenny.
I've been accused of being an "Emotionally Stunted Manchild".
incapable of having a functional relationship.
And it's all because I want to find love.
Is that such a crime? Chelsea, I had dirty sex with my ex-wife's lawyer, in a bathroom.
You're my best friend.
Try not to be judgemental.
Are you an animal? In human form? I don't know what happened.
I hate that lawyer.
I hate that lawyer with every fiber of my being! When Molly was left at the altar ten months ago, I'm the one who pushed her into dating again.
You know, to build her self-esteem.
She didn't want to, I insisted! It was like being caught up in a hurricane.
I was powerless! Did the hurricane blow your fly down too? You can't tell Molly.
Don't tell Molly.
Ugh! Well, I, I can't tell her! I'm implicated in this! Chelsea! I have to go into hiding.
Spencer I'm going to need a DNA sample, a hair will do.
You know, just to make sure once and for all that you're really mine.
I don't want to have this conversation again, please.
Don't you want to put your mind at ease? I found a new lab.
I have real problems right now.
I need to get in to see Schneiderman.
Oh, honey.
You can't just walk in off the street and see Schneiderman.
Tell me about it.
I'm not gonna tell you about it, you're not a psychiatrist.
I may not even be your mother.
Okay, I'll tell ya what happened.
The other night I was at a restaurant on a date with this girl, Molly, who I absolutely adore.
I look across the room and I see another woman who I despise, I hate her guts.
The next thing I know, I'm in the washroom having sex with her and the sex was unbelievable.
I feel terrible.
You had revenge sex.
If having great sex with someone you loathe is revenge sex, I had it all right.
Yeah, and you're dying to do it again.
Blah, blah, blah.
What are you? Schneiderman's secretary? This girl, Molly, she's the real deal.
I could marry this girl, have children with her.
I really think you should be more supportive, so please, get me into see Schneiderman! Are you kidding? I brought him revenge sex twenty years ago.
Now maybe if the girl was you sister.
Isn't snuggling good? It's terrific.
People jump right into sex and overlook the joy of intimate snuggling.
Yeah, they do that quite a bit.
When we do finally have sex, it'll have so much more meaning.
There's no rush, right? No, there's no rush.
Sex is just a teeny part of a relationship.
Sometimes I don't think about it at all.
Me too.
Say it again! You embarrassed me in court, you dirty lawyer! Ugh Well, if it isn't the quivering little man-child.
You back for more punishment? Look, this has to stop, whatever this is.
What's wrong? You scared? I'm not scared; I just want you to know I'm in a relationship that actually means something! So why are you here? I'm here to tell you something, let me be clear about this, I hate your guts! That's what I was trying to tell you the night we had the best sex of our lives.
Your life maybe.
What? Could have been better.
Really? Oh, I know what you're trying to do.
Well it's not gonna happen.
You're looking at a sexual brick wall.
Sex should be about love, not hate.
It's awful.
That's why they call it making love.
Don't you think? Oh, what the hell.
I hate you! I'm going to show you just how much I hate you! You know, ruined my life! Spencer, I am in heaven when I am with you.
Oh- I'm in heaven when I'm with you too, Molly.
You know, I thought when I was stood up at the altar, that all men were bastards.
But not you.
Ha, not me- Say it again! Sick lawyer, I hate you! I know, I know! Say it again! Hi!!! Aw, look at this! You look terrible.
Oh, I haven't been sleeping thanks to you.
So You guys are still together? Chelsea, Spenny is a great big hunk of goodness and he's all mine.
Thanks to you.
Oh, don't pin it on me.
Aw, she's so selfless.
So you gonna tell her? We've got good news.
You have news? We're getting married! Oh, my god! I'm so excited, I'm gonna go call mom and tell her.
Oh, go call your mom- Say hi to her for me, please.
I am crazy about her! Have you flipped your lid? You asked her to marry you? You've known her for a few days and in that time you had sex with your ex-wife's lawyer! Only two times.
Twice! Twiceish.
Maybe it was 3 times, but it doesn't matter.
Important thing is I've worked it out of my system, like a head cold.
Since when did you take up smoking? Since I started over-eating! Oh gosh! Mom is so excited! Hi, Midge-Midge! It's your future son-in-law! He's so cute.
Oh, Chels! You're so happy for us you're crying! I am.
And more exciting news.
Mom is so excited, she said she wants this wedding to be even bigger than the last one.
She's gonna re-mortgage her house again! You think you can end it just like that, you spineless gape-jaw? You don't have the power to end this.
You're too weak, you haven't got the guts! I'm doing the right thing.
I know everything about you.
I'm engaged to be married to an angel, and I don't need this she-beast in my life.
And how you hid underneath the bed during lightening storms, I humiliated you in court! I want to tear your testicles off and eat them! You're wet.
And crinkly.
Don't over boil them.
They get mushy.
Now this Is gonna look beautiful on your big day.
You know tan is the new white? Is it really? Okay.
So am I gonna get an intatation to the wedding? Um- We're thinking of putting you in charge of parking.
Yeah- Well, you know, I'd be honored.
Are ya gonna miss Spenny when he moves out, Phil? Well- Maybe just a little bit.
Oh, dear He's really upset.
He's an idiot.
Oh, Spencer, go check on him.
Phil, are you crying? It was so sudden! I mean, you didn't give me any, any warning.
Why would I give you warning? You're my neighbor.
Is there any way you could get a house with a, with a finished basement? No! Do you wanna maybe, want to pencil in weekly BBQ's or something? Phil, I'm starting a new chapter in my life with Molly.
So you're all finished with the revenge se- Sssshhh! Quiet! l l right.
Ya slayed the beast? Yes, the beast is dead.
Okay, it's, it's all about Molly, and, and not about the beast anymore, no- No more- All those beasts out there.
What other beasts? If you think about it, we all get slighted by lots and lots of people in our lives.
And there are so many instances where we just want to get even.
You know? But, hey, you don't need anymore of that crazy, wild sex stuff.
Ssshh! Quiet! Spenny, I love you! Other beasts! Yeah, well you know where you can shove your shirt.
Spenny! Look, I can't get your refund from the lady at the dry cleaner, she says that the stain was on the shirt when you dropped it off- Jessica, I'm doing inventory, I don't have time for this.
It's just a shirt, who cares? Just a shirt? You're gonna let her treat you like that? You're gonna let her treat you like dirt? She's treating me like dirt? Hell yeah she's treating you like dirt! She took your money, she ruined your shirt and then she acts like she's doing you a favour? She took my money.
She took your money! She ruined my shirt.
She ruined your shirt! And she won't let you park out in front, not even on a Sunday! That's it! Yeah! You get that refund! Dry cleaner: No refund, store credit only! You ruined my shirt! I want a refund!!! Spen, I'm sorry I'm late, but I had a faaabulous session with Dr.
Schniederman.
He's not a clock-watcher like the others.
Did you talk to him about my problem? Yeah Didn't grab him.
Oh, come on.
Didn't grab him? Revenge sex is killing me! I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do for you, my dentist, Dr.
Brickman, loves a good story.
You want me to get psychiatric help from a dentist?! Well, he's more easily impressed than Dr.
Schniederman and you end up with a nice toothbrush.
My jeweler, Rakov! Yeah, but you have to buy a watch Ow, ow, ow! So where are you at right now? Still with the lawyer? Uh uh, I'm done with the lawyer.
I've moved onto fair-weather friends, broken promises and people who said they'd help me move and didn't.
Interesting.
So, is there any hope for me? Yeah, there's always hope.
This impending marriage with Molly though That's really bumpin' me.
Hey! Breaking up with Molly isn't an option, okay? Okay, okay- Just let me think this over.
Wider.
Relax your jaw.
You're gonna have to hold off on that wedding.
Why? Revenge sex is like an abscess, you have to let the anger drain from you.
And the only way to do that is- You know what.
Have sex with every woman that crossed me? It's the only way.
You're lookin' good for someone who never flosses.
Make an appointment on the way out.
Pick a colour.
Yellow.
Interesting.
Spenny on phone: Hello? Arlene Sheposnik? It's Spenny.
Hey, yeah.
No, I'm good.
Um, do you remember in high school when you poured milk all over my head in the cafeteria? I'd like to get together and talk about that.
Okay, great.
I'll call you later.
Great lead, Jessica, way to go.
Hey, I got somethin', Spenny.
Here's a girl you went to college with who dumped you for the football player.
Sarah Listerman is married with kids.
What's wrong with you, Phil?! Sorry, Spenny.
Do I have to go over the ground rules again? We're here to get even with these people, not ruin their lives! Okay, but, like, what if they don't want you to bang them? They're gonna wanna bang me.
Revenge sex is a ride you don't pass up.
Do you want both women and men on the list? That is so dumb! I'm not even gonna entertain that question! I know it looks bad, but I'm not having sex with multiple partners for my own pleasure! I'm doing it to save my relationship with Molly.
Yeah, Molly's really lucky to have you.
I know, she is.
Yeah, yeah- You're both pervs.
Good luck! Are you the Sarah Lynn who published my love letters in the school newspaper, earning me the nickname of Prince Wanker? I think you know why I'm here.
May I come in? Thank you.
Sarah Lynn- Excellent, Sarah Lynn Are you the Patsy Beaker who convinced me that my economics professor wanted me to sneak into her bedroom at night, getting me expelled from college? I think you know why I'm here, may I come in? Thank you.
Ah, Pasty Beaker, got.
Okay, Pauline Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah- Ah, oh.
knock-knock-knock Are you Harriet Woodsley, the lunch lady from Crestview High who accused me of pinching her ass when the reverse was true? I think you know why I'm here.
May I come in? I got the DNA results.
What DNA? I had Brickman do a cheek swab.
You set me up with your dentist to steal a DNA sample?! I couldn't help it, I really had to know! And apparently you're mine.
Really shouldn't have gotten rid of all those childhood photographs.
It doesn't make sense.
I'm still feeling the pull.
I went through everybody on this list.
Is it possible that I'm missing someone? Does the name Lisa Ungerman ring a bell? Should it? Think back to that moment in every boy's life, your first time.
You've got a weenis! What a horrible memory.
She called it a weenis.
I have to find Lisa Ungerman.
You're not gonna get past it until you even the score.
What if she laughs again? Yeah, see that's what stimeys me about that.
Your father had a good-sized bologna.
And the men on my side of the family pack some major pipe.
It just doesn't add up.
Here- Try a new lab.
Uh huh knock-knock-knock Can I help you? I think I have the wrong place, uh- Spenny? Lisa? I knew this day would come.
Molly, here I come.
Ah! Lisa Ungerman, very good.
I've got some great news.
I like good news.
I made a list of all the people I have to have revenge sex with.
All I have to do is get Chelsea on side now and put this behind me.
ea: By the time he started having revenge sex, the train had left the station.
There was nothing I could do to stop him.
Well, that's not exactly what happened.
You.
Say.
Nothing.
So, my fiancé, who you set me up with, was having sex with half the city while I was buying wedding invitations? I know, I should have told you sooner, I'm sorry, but you know, now you know the truth and your mom doesn't have to re-mortgage the house.
Way to go, Chelsea.
She had to know.
I've given it some Molly thought- And I've decided- I forgive Spencer.
What? Lisa Ungerman laughed at his penis and he needed to work through that pain for me.
His heart was in the right place.
I told you she'd understand.
She was left at the altar.
Only people that know pain can understand the dark bliss of revenge sex.
Everyone was staring at me.
I felt like the biggest loser in the world.
It was like I just won first prize in a not wanted contest.
Don't go there, Molly, please, don't go there.
I have to, Spencer.
I can't marry you until I have sex with my ex-fiancé, Mr.
Big Jerk.
Sounds fair to me.
And the best manb who didn't drive him to the church, And that priest that snickered.
No, don't! And that photographer who kept taking pictures, and that bridesmaid who showed a little too much thigh.
Please! Button it, Spencer! It's Molly time.
And so, I lost my sweet, sweet Molly to the beast of revenge sex.
Last I heard she was revenge-sexing the balloon twister who ignored her on her tenth birthday.
I guess in the end it's my fate to my spend my life loveless.
You still have me, Spen! And I'm SO happy! I think I'm gonna kill myself.
Yeah Hey, Chels!
But Molly is different.
Hey, you know what would be fun? Call Chelsea, tell her I stood you up and pretend you're crying.
Spencer, I couldn't do that.
Oh, come on.
I can't.
I've never done a practical joke in my entire life.
Get out.
You've never called up a store and asked for, uh, Oliver Clothesoff? Make Apeepee? Never.
Ever, ever.
Come on.
What are you doing? No guts, no glory.
No, no, no, no- Here we go.
What are you doing? It's ringing.
I'm nervous, I'm gonna pee.
Hello? Chelsea, it's Molly.
Listen, I am, I am so sorry that I set you up with him, okay? But my intentions were good and you need to think of Spenny as a trial run and a way of getting you back out there.
Okay, do you forgive me? I can't fib, I'm sorry! Chelsea! Yeah? We're having a great time! What? Yeah! He's, um, kind and sweet and funny.
Ask to see his ID.
Do you want to speak to him? No, not really.
Chelsea! Spenny, what did you do to her? Did you spike her tea? I knew I shouldn't have told you she doesn't drink! Molly is a sweet and vulnerable girl, do not hurt her! Chels, relax, everything's going great.
You might have made a match in heaven here.
Oh, I wanna believe you, I do, I really do, but like, she's my only friend other than you.
so I swear to fu- What'd she say? Over the moon.
So am I.
Me too.
Ugh!!! I wonder if we'll like the same appetizers.
I bet we do.
You know what? Okay, on the count of 3 we're both gonna say what we're gonna order, out loud If we pick the same thing, I am gonna die.
Um- Can you excuse me for just a sec? Okay! You can think about it.
Huh.
If it isn't the devil's spawn.
Last time I heard that voice it was begging for mercy.
Hello, Spencer.
What did you order for dinner? Entrails from your last victim? Run along.
This is my social time.
You know, if I had a sledgehammer, I'd smash that rotten divorce lawyer skull of yours.
I'll give you five minutes in the hallway, then I file a restraining order.
Where do you get off ruining my dinner date? Your dinner date? Where do you get off ruining my life? You said things about me that were unconscionable! You lied about me in court! I was hired by your wife to do a job! Do you have a fetish for watching me sob? Truthfully, crushing you in court gave me a power rush so intense, I actually had an orgasm.
You did? What's happening? You destroyed me in court! I hate you, divorce lawyer! Ahhhhhhh! I hate you! That feels good! CRASH! Oh, my god! Oh, I picked my appetizer! Did you pick yours? Uh Are you okay? Yeah, great.
Good! You look rosy.
My name is Spenny.
I've been accused of being an "Emotionally Stunted Manchild".
incapable of having a functional relationship.
And it's all because I want to find love.
Is that such a crime? Chelsea, I had dirty sex with my ex-wife's lawyer, in a bathroom.
You're my best friend.
Try not to be judgemental.
Are you an animal? In human form? I don't know what happened.
I hate that lawyer.
I hate that lawyer with every fiber of my being! When Molly was left at the altar ten months ago, I'm the one who pushed her into dating again.
You know, to build her self-esteem.
She didn't want to, I insisted! It was like being caught up in a hurricane.
I was powerless! Did the hurricane blow your fly down too? You can't tell Molly.
Don't tell Molly.
Ugh! Well, I, I can't tell her! I'm implicated in this! Chelsea! I have to go into hiding.
Spencer I'm going to need a DNA sample, a hair will do.
You know, just to make sure once and for all that you're really mine.
I don't want to have this conversation again, please.
Don't you want to put your mind at ease? I found a new lab.
I have real problems right now.
I need to get in to see Schneiderman.
Oh, honey.
You can't just walk in off the street and see Schneiderman.
Tell me about it.
I'm not gonna tell you about it, you're not a psychiatrist.
I may not even be your mother.
Okay, I'll tell ya what happened.
The other night I was at a restaurant on a date with this girl, Molly, who I absolutely adore.
I look across the room and I see another woman who I despise, I hate her guts.
The next thing I know, I'm in the washroom having sex with her and the sex was unbelievable.
I feel terrible.
You had revenge sex.
If having great sex with someone you loathe is revenge sex, I had it all right.
Yeah, and you're dying to do it again.
Blah, blah, blah.
What are you? Schneiderman's secretary? This girl, Molly, she's the real deal.
I could marry this girl, have children with her.
I really think you should be more supportive, so please, get me into see Schneiderman! Are you kidding? I brought him revenge sex twenty years ago.
Now maybe if the girl was you sister.
Isn't snuggling good? It's terrific.
People jump right into sex and overlook the joy of intimate snuggling.
Yeah, they do that quite a bit.
When we do finally have sex, it'll have so much more meaning.
There's no rush, right? No, there's no rush.
Sex is just a teeny part of a relationship.
Sometimes I don't think about it at all.
Me too.
Say it again! You embarrassed me in court, you dirty lawyer! Ugh Well, if it isn't the quivering little man-child.
You back for more punishment? Look, this has to stop, whatever this is.
What's wrong? You scared? I'm not scared; I just want you to know I'm in a relationship that actually means something! So why are you here? I'm here to tell you something, let me be clear about this, I hate your guts! That's what I was trying to tell you the night we had the best sex of our lives.
Your life maybe.
What? Could have been better.
Really? Oh, I know what you're trying to do.
Well it's not gonna happen.
You're looking at a sexual brick wall.
Sex should be about love, not hate.
It's awful.
That's why they call it making love.
Don't you think? Oh, what the hell.
I hate you! I'm going to show you just how much I hate you! You know, ruined my life! Spencer, I am in heaven when I am with you.
Oh- I'm in heaven when I'm with you too, Molly.
You know, I thought when I was stood up at the altar, that all men were bastards.
But not you.
Ha, not me- Say it again! Sick lawyer, I hate you! I know, I know! Say it again! Hi!!! Aw, look at this! You look terrible.
Oh, I haven't been sleeping thanks to you.
So You guys are still together? Chelsea, Spenny is a great big hunk of goodness and he's all mine.
Thanks to you.
Oh, don't pin it on me.
Aw, she's so selfless.
So you gonna tell her? We've got good news.
You have news? We're getting married! Oh, my god! I'm so excited, I'm gonna go call mom and tell her.
Oh, go call your mom- Say hi to her for me, please.
I am crazy about her! Have you flipped your lid? You asked her to marry you? You've known her for a few days and in that time you had sex with your ex-wife's lawyer! Only two times.
Twice! Twiceish.
Maybe it was 3 times, but it doesn't matter.
Important thing is I've worked it out of my system, like a head cold.
Since when did you take up smoking? Since I started over-eating! Oh gosh! Mom is so excited! Hi, Midge-Midge! It's your future son-in-law! He's so cute.
Oh, Chels! You're so happy for us you're crying! I am.
And more exciting news.
Mom is so excited, she said she wants this wedding to be even bigger than the last one.
She's gonna re-mortgage her house again! You think you can end it just like that, you spineless gape-jaw? You don't have the power to end this.
You're too weak, you haven't got the guts! I'm doing the right thing.
I know everything about you.
I'm engaged to be married to an angel, and I don't need this she-beast in my life.
And how you hid underneath the bed during lightening storms, I humiliated you in court! I want to tear your testicles off and eat them! You're wet.
And crinkly.
Don't over boil them.
They get mushy.
Now this Is gonna look beautiful on your big day.
You know tan is the new white? Is it really? Okay.
So am I gonna get an intatation to the wedding? Um- We're thinking of putting you in charge of parking.
Yeah- Well, you know, I'd be honored.
Are ya gonna miss Spenny when he moves out, Phil? Well- Maybe just a little bit.
Oh, dear He's really upset.
He's an idiot.
Oh, Spencer, go check on him.
Phil, are you crying? It was so sudden! I mean, you didn't give me any, any warning.
Why would I give you warning? You're my neighbor.
Is there any way you could get a house with a, with a finished basement? No! Do you wanna maybe, want to pencil in weekly BBQ's or something? Phil, I'm starting a new chapter in my life with Molly.
So you're all finished with the revenge se- Sssshhh! Quiet! l l right.
Ya slayed the beast? Yes, the beast is dead.
Okay, it's, it's all about Molly, and, and not about the beast anymore, no- No more- All those beasts out there.
What other beasts? If you think about it, we all get slighted by lots and lots of people in our lives.
And there are so many instances where we just want to get even.
You know? But, hey, you don't need anymore of that crazy, wild sex stuff.
Ssshh! Quiet! Spenny, I love you! Other beasts! Yeah, well you know where you can shove your shirt.
Spenny! Look, I can't get your refund from the lady at the dry cleaner, she says that the stain was on the shirt when you dropped it off- Jessica, I'm doing inventory, I don't have time for this.
It's just a shirt, who cares? Just a shirt? You're gonna let her treat you like that? You're gonna let her treat you like dirt? She's treating me like dirt? Hell yeah she's treating you like dirt! She took your money, she ruined your shirt and then she acts like she's doing you a favour? She took my money.
She took your money! She ruined my shirt.
She ruined your shirt! And she won't let you park out in front, not even on a Sunday! That's it! Yeah! You get that refund! Dry cleaner: No refund, store credit only! You ruined my shirt! I want a refund!!! Spen, I'm sorry I'm late, but I had a faaabulous session with Dr.
Schniederman.
He's not a clock-watcher like the others.
Did you talk to him about my problem? Yeah Didn't grab him.
Oh, come on.
Didn't grab him? Revenge sex is killing me! I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do for you, my dentist, Dr.
Brickman, loves a good story.
You want me to get psychiatric help from a dentist?! Well, he's more easily impressed than Dr.
Schniederman and you end up with a nice toothbrush.
My jeweler, Rakov! Yeah, but you have to buy a watch Ow, ow, ow! So where are you at right now? Still with the lawyer? Uh uh, I'm done with the lawyer.
I've moved onto fair-weather friends, broken promises and people who said they'd help me move and didn't.
Interesting.
So, is there any hope for me? Yeah, there's always hope.
This impending marriage with Molly though That's really bumpin' me.
Hey! Breaking up with Molly isn't an option, okay? Okay, okay- Just let me think this over.
Wider.
Relax your jaw.
You're gonna have to hold off on that wedding.
Why? Revenge sex is like an abscess, you have to let the anger drain from you.
And the only way to do that is- You know what.
Have sex with every woman that crossed me? It's the only way.
You're lookin' good for someone who never flosses.
Make an appointment on the way out.
Pick a colour.
Yellow.
Interesting.
Spenny on phone: Hello? Arlene Sheposnik? It's Spenny.
Hey, yeah.
No, I'm good.
Um, do you remember in high school when you poured milk all over my head in the cafeteria? I'd like to get together and talk about that.
Okay, great.
I'll call you later.
Great lead, Jessica, way to go.
Hey, I got somethin', Spenny.
Here's a girl you went to college with who dumped you for the football player.
Sarah Listerman is married with kids.
What's wrong with you, Phil?! Sorry, Spenny.
Do I have to go over the ground rules again? We're here to get even with these people, not ruin their lives! Okay, but, like, what if they don't want you to bang them? They're gonna wanna bang me.
Revenge sex is a ride you don't pass up.
Do you want both women and men on the list? That is so dumb! I'm not even gonna entertain that question! I know it looks bad, but I'm not having sex with multiple partners for my own pleasure! I'm doing it to save my relationship with Molly.
Yeah, Molly's really lucky to have you.
I know, she is.
Yeah, yeah- You're both pervs.
Good luck! Are you the Sarah Lynn who published my love letters in the school newspaper, earning me the nickname of Prince Wanker? I think you know why I'm here.
May I come in? Thank you.
Sarah Lynn- Excellent, Sarah Lynn Are you the Patsy Beaker who convinced me that my economics professor wanted me to sneak into her bedroom at night, getting me expelled from college? I think you know why I'm here, may I come in? Thank you.
Ah, Pasty Beaker, got.
Okay, Pauline Sarah, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah- Ah, oh.
knock-knock-knock Are you Harriet Woodsley, the lunch lady from Crestview High who accused me of pinching her ass when the reverse was true? I think you know why I'm here.
May I come in? I got the DNA results.
What DNA? I had Brickman do a cheek swab.
You set me up with your dentist to steal a DNA sample?! I couldn't help it, I really had to know! And apparently you're mine.
Really shouldn't have gotten rid of all those childhood photographs.
It doesn't make sense.
I'm still feeling the pull.
I went through everybody on this list.
Is it possible that I'm missing someone? Does the name Lisa Ungerman ring a bell? Should it? Think back to that moment in every boy's life, your first time.
You've got a weenis! What a horrible memory.
She called it a weenis.
I have to find Lisa Ungerman.
You're not gonna get past it until you even the score.
What if she laughs again? Yeah, see that's what stimeys me about that.
Your father had a good-sized bologna.
And the men on my side of the family pack some major pipe.
It just doesn't add up.
Here- Try a new lab.
Uh huh knock-knock-knock Can I help you? I think I have the wrong place, uh- Spenny? Lisa? I knew this day would come.
Molly, here I come.
Ah! Lisa Ungerman, very good.
I've got some great news.
I like good news.
I made a list of all the people I have to have revenge sex with.
All I have to do is get Chelsea on side now and put this behind me.
ea: By the time he started having revenge sex, the train had left the station.
There was nothing I could do to stop him.
Well, that's not exactly what happened.
You.
Say.
Nothing.
So, my fiancé, who you set me up with, was having sex with half the city while I was buying wedding invitations? I know, I should have told you sooner, I'm sorry, but you know, now you know the truth and your mom doesn't have to re-mortgage the house.
Way to go, Chelsea.
She had to know.
I've given it some Molly thought- And I've decided- I forgive Spencer.
What? Lisa Ungerman laughed at his penis and he needed to work through that pain for me.
His heart was in the right place.
I told you she'd understand.
She was left at the altar.
Only people that know pain can understand the dark bliss of revenge sex.
Everyone was staring at me.
I felt like the biggest loser in the world.
It was like I just won first prize in a not wanted contest.
Don't go there, Molly, please, don't go there.
I have to, Spencer.
I can't marry you until I have sex with my ex-fiancé, Mr.
Big Jerk.
Sounds fair to me.
And the best manb who didn't drive him to the church, And that priest that snickered.
No, don't! And that photographer who kept taking pictures, and that bridesmaid who showed a little too much thigh.
Please! Button it, Spencer! It's Molly time.
And so, I lost my sweet, sweet Molly to the beast of revenge sex.
Last I heard she was revenge-sexing the balloon twister who ignored her on her tenth birthday.
I guess in the end it's my fate to my spend my life loveless.
You still have me, Spen! And I'm SO happy! I think I'm gonna kill myself.
Yeah Hey, Chels!