Skins (US) s01e01 Episode Script
Tony
Tony! Tony! Turn it down! I'm trying! The volume's busted! Every fucking morning! Pull the plug out! What?! The plug! The plug! The motherfucking plug! Every fucking morning! Dad, I'm sorry! I don't know! Ah, Jesus Motherfucker you cocksucking fuck! Renee! Renee! I'm trying to brush my freakin' teeth! For the love of Jesus! How long you going to be? Not long now.
Motherfucker! What I got to do to get a shave and take a freakin' dump! Okay, listen, get out of that bathroom right now! Tony! Tony? Goddamn it! I just want to take a freakin' dump! Goddamn it! Do you want some pancakes, honey? No one listens! Renee, you got to tell that little shitface to get out of my freakin' can! Mother of God, what's he doing up there? Perming his freakin' pubes? That bathroom lock's busted again.
Drill's under the sink.
You think I'm your bitch, don't you.
That's what you think, huh? Huh? Is that what you think? Me, I'm a normal Joe.
I'm in and out.
Two minutes to unload.
Two minutes max.
You want some pancakes, Jimmy? I want to take a dump in my own house! Yeah, but you're going to fix the bathroom lock, right? Lucky for you I got to be somewhere.
Hey, it's Stanley.
I'm probably too bored to speak to you or I probably just hate you, so leave a message.
You are a lazy little jerkoff, Stanley.
We got plans, remember? Concerning your little penis.
Call me back.
Tony, what? Hey, Daisy.
Can you pop over to Mackenzie and wake Stanley up for me? I keep telling you, Mackenzie Drive is 6 blocks away.
Yeah.
So just pop over and You remember walking, right, Tony? You just take your own little foot Oh, incoming.
Stay on the line, beautiful.
Hey, Nips.
Stop calling me "Nips," Tony.
It's a funny name.
I've seen nipples, Nips, and gosh golly, yours are hilarious.
My nipples aren't funny, okay? Yeah, get used to it, kid.
Anyway, you promised to help Stanley out today.
With what? You remember.
The virgin thing? No.
No.
You were not serious.
Yeah.
He's got to pop his cherry, and I nominated you to, you know, help out.
Do I have to? Nips, you promised.
Stay there.
Chris on the line Yeah, man, you texted.
What's up? Can you go wake Stanley up? I'm busy.
Since when are you ever busy? Busy busy, remember? Oh, yeah.
"Overbite.
" Yeah.
Took her camping like you said.
Thanks for the tip, man.
Well, give her a big hello from me.
Going to.
Come on.
Hello! It's not that much to ask, Nips.
Stan's got to get laid before he turns 17 or he can't be my friend anymore.
What are you talking about, moron? Oh, sorry, Daisy.
It was the wrong line.
Maybe you could take care of Stanley's cherry.
You'd need someone deaf, blind and stupid for that.
And stop calling Michelle "Nips," Tony.
It's a funny name.
She's got funny nipp Oh.
You still there? All right.
Huh? All right, I will help Stanley out if he's that desperate.
Well, there you go.
It's nice to be nice.
Hook up at the Nutbush, 10:30,so we can plan.
I have to plan now? Oh, yeah.
Later, Nips.
I said stop calling me "Nips.
" They're fine.
I can't talk right now.
No joke.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Thanks a lot, Tony.
My uncle wants to stone me to death now.
Your uncle's cool, man.
You want to come to a party tonight? Stan's going to lose his V card.
Oh, man.
Me and Chris promised we'd go on Tea's big, gay Lezoramma night.
Is Chris gay? No.
Are you gay? No, but it's girl on girl.
That's like live porn, man.
And then Chris says we can probably convert them and it'll be like girl on girl on dudes.
Abbud, you doofoid sexual invalid, Stanley's flying solo down the labial love tunnel and he needs some support, right? Candy Mountain's calling and we're taking him home.
Lucky Stanley.
You going to help out? I'll come if we can watch.
Yes? Hi, Mr.
LeSalle.
It's Tony.
Oh, hey, Tony.
How you doing? We're a little bit worried about Stanley, actually.
He's got a sociology test in 15 minutes and He's got what? He's got what?! Stanley! Stanley! You bone-assed Ah! You left pizza on the Five, six, seven, eight.
Polecats, who? Polecats, me.
Polecats you.
We love you.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Love you.
Say who! Hey, Tony.
Forget the big gay night out, Tea.
We need you.
Sorry.
Promised Chris and Abs I'd take them on a voyage of wonder and discovery.
Tea? Tea? Polecats! Can you hold the cheerleading? I can't hear myself think.
Need these moves.
Got a lot of jocks that need positive affirmation, if you know what I mean.
Yeah.
You know, I could use some positive affirmation myself.
Dream on, stud.
What is it? Meet after Psychology.
There's plans.
Maybe.
Got to go.
Big finish.
Hey, you ever told those sweet girls that you worship at the coochy shrine? Now where would be the fun in that, Tony? Later.
Oh, Polecats! Stanley.
Thanks, Tony.
Dad fell into my porn stash.
Wipe out? Oh, yeah.
Let it go, man.
We got business.
Like what? Virgins.
Virginity.
Whose? Yours, dick.
Who else? I'm listening.
Well, we need a briefing.
We do? Nutbush, 10:30.
Tonight, Stanley, you present Mr.
Happy with the keys to the Furry City.
You hear that, Mr.
Happy? The Furry City.
"These 5 stages of grief are familiar "and clinically recognized.
"In time, denial, anger and bargaining "Give way to depression; and the feeling of emotional loss may seem unbearable.
" "In this phase, the feelings of low self-esteem and hopelessness are common.
" "But these will finally give way to acceptance that what has been lost can never return.
" Oh, God! "That life can continue, although it may be different.
And the journey of grief is complete.
" So no more PE teachers, Tina.
I guess.
No matter how big his dick is.
Shut up, Chris.
You guys are all so kind.
Okay, I'm going to need your reports in for next week, because it's important for the midterm evaluation.
I could say he touched me in the shower.
Would you? What? What? Hi, Tina.
Carry your books? Thank you, Chris, but you don't need to do that every day.
Sure I do.
No, Chris.
Yeah, Tina's phone? Can I please have that back? Yeah, quit calling her, jackass.
Who is this? Yeah.
Chris Collins.
Tina's friend.
Oh, really? Yeah.
She's got a lot of friends, asswipe.
Uh, Chris Collins from my health class? Uh, yeah.
That Chris Collins.
You owe me some homework.
See, I had a few problems with the assignment and You're going to have some major problems if it's not on my desk Thursday.
On your desk, Thursday.
Nine a.
M.
Nine a.
M.
Good.
Sure.
Idiot.
And don't call her again.
Pervert.
Hey! All fixed.
Thanks.
No problem.
Party tonight? It's a big night out, Tony.
Sorry, no way.
Hey, hey.
It's for Stanley, all right? Stanley's never going to get laid.
It's a stage in life.
You're going to screw it up for him.
He's not going to screw it up.
I arranged everything.
Doesn't matter.
You're still going to screw it up.
Come on.
Little bit of solidarity, you know? Tony, if you can get that kid's cherry popped, I will accidentally lose control of my breast during next week's halftime show.
Tea, you have yourself a wager.
I'm not really a morning person, man.
No? You showered yet? Exercised? Masturbated? One of those.
This better be good.
Trust me, Stan.
It's good.
You finally get de-hymenated.
You finally get the VIP tour of Netherland.
You finally Easy on the finally, all right? It's embarrassing.
It's totally normal for a kid of 16 not to have had sex It's embarrassing, Stanley.
Fuck.
So we go to a party and we get some girl ricockulously spliffed out.
In her confused state she comes to believe, however momentarily, of course, that you're attractive.
And then She bangs your brains out.
Sounds great.
Who's the lucky girl? You're going to like this, Stanley.
I'm going to do it with Michelle? Oh, my God.
I'm going to park my Chevy in Michelle's garage? Tony, man.
You do not know what means to me, man.
Hey, Michelle.
Hi.
Am I getting laid or should I just start filming this so I can whack off to it later? Nice, babe.
Cool.
So who is dumb enough to jump Stanley? Cadie.
She's in the hospital.
No, they let her go.
Only thing is, she's not allowed to handle knives.
So we're going to need a lot of drugs.
Better buy an ounce, Stan.
Minimum.
Hold up.
I have to buy an ounce of bud? Sure.
There's a guy downtown that'll front you a zip.
We'll pay him back tomorrow.
Why can't you go? Well, because I have a choir audition, then tai chi, then psychology.
There's no way.
Cadie is great in the sack.
As long as she doesn't get hungry.
Yeah? Who says? Everyone.
Everyone.
Just go buy some drugs on credit.
Easy.
What's this guy's name? Here go you, my man.
His name's "Mad Mao Le Dong"? Yeah, is that a problem? Guess I'll just You should go say hi to Cadie.
She's down in Life Skills.
Break the ice, you know? Is that waking you up, Karate Kid? Hi.
I'm sorry about the potatoes.
I'm I'm Stanley.
Okay.
I'm I'm the, uh You know, Michelle said tonight at the party You're going to dope me into outer space, then bang my brains out.
Well, maybe bump Bump your brains out.
Um Got a lot of knives.
Yeah, aren't they cool? Don't you love to see stuff hanging? Um When my hamster died last fall, I embalmed him and hung him over the bed.
And I just lie there watching him twisting.
Poor little Bobbins.
Sounds a little crazy.
That's because I am crazy.
Didn't they tell you? Yeah.
I mean, crazy about cooking.
I only eat cheese puffs.
So, what's in the pot? Stew.
Is that a rabbit? I'm kind of busy right now, Stanley.
Later, we'll get bumping.
At the party.
At the party with a pile of drugs.
You got it.
Oh, and Stanley, I only like really great narcotics.
Understand? Sure.
Birds do it, bees do it Even educated fleas do it Let's do it Let's fall in love In Spain, the best Upper sets do it Lithuanians and Latts do it Let's do it Let's fall in love The Dutch in old Amsterdam Do it Not to mention the Fins Folks in Siam do it Think of Siamese twins Some Argentines Without means do it People say in Boston even beans do it Let's do it Let's fall in love Electric eels I might add, do it Though it shocks them, I know Why ask if shad do it Waiter, bring me shad roe Locusts in trees do it Bees do it Even overeducated fleas do it Let's do it Let's fall in love Anthony, that That's lovely.
I'm sure we'd love to have you in the choir.
Thanks.
Hi, Tony.
Hi, Tabitha.
So, um, my friends think you're way, way hot.
Like literally Bradulous.
- They do? - Oh, yeah.
Those dodo's are just, oh my God, so clitoral.
You're, uh, still coming to my party, right? I am.
Because my 'rents went to Martha's Vineyard and we're going to get, like, so totally retarded on drum and bass.
That sounds great, Tabitha.
I'll see you then.
Mambo.
Mambo? Sick! Just tell Cadie we got a busload of bud.
All she has to do is bang him, for crying out loud.
Hey, Nips, are they standing up? Yeah.
I have that effect.
Well, ditch after Trig and I'll do you with the magic rabbit.
Yeah, I know you like it.
Bring batteries.
Excuse me.
You, sir.
Yes.
Yes? You are aware the Edith Damp Collegiate is an exclusively female private institute? Oh, I am.
Oh, and you think you can just walk in here and pick off girls like flies.
It's that easy, huh? Ah, well, we can call security or you can tell me what your business is.
Oh, no, I was here auditioning for the chamber choir.
I heard they needed male parts in the bass section.
And you know what? They do.
They really do.
Sir, you come back here.
Come back here, sir.
You get back here now No, no, no, no.
Him, not Not me! Him, you idiots! Ah! Oh, for crying out loud.
What? Did you find it? No.
It's like a parallel frickin' dimension here, Tony.
You sure this is the right address? Of course I am.
Hold on.
I think I found it.
It's a bit weird for a drug dealer.
Purchase the narcotics and get your pussy back here.
We got customers.
Buy drugs.
Get laid.
Buy drugs.
Get laid.
For crying out loud, Tony.
I'm doing it, okay.
Stanley? Is that you? Hi, Mom.
I wanted to ask you how your test went.
Are you my 2:30? Um, it It was good.
I got to go.
Get your skinny motherfucking ass in here.
There's cameras everywhere in this whitebread ghetto.
Who are you talking to? I heard cursing.
Nobody.
I really can't talk right now.
Jamazia! Your own mother can't talk to you now? Mom, I got French, okay? Britney and Whitney special.
Two hours right? I'll get the pizza.
Everybody's got to get some Well, here comes the homecoming jock.
Who's telling him we're not going to his lame-ass gossip girl party? You tell him, Dais'.
Why? Because you're scary, man.
Who says I'm scary? Uh, nobody.
Hey, you guys.
You ready for tonight? I got entertainment.
It's the Lezoramma.
Yeah, yeah.
I've been looking forward to it.
I have my trumpet.
Come on.
Stan's going to score.
Tony, the kid can't score.
I mean, have you seen his kaputchka? The thing it does? You know? The way it turns left? His penis turns left? Yeah, but only when it's I meant Stan's going to score weed.
- You're buying green? - Yeah, I'm buying green.
It's easy.
We go to a party and sell drugs to the rich and stupid.
But the town's awash with jinja.
You know that, right? Nobody's buying, not since the Lithuanian College Basketball team came through on tour.
You got to keep up, Tony.
Stanley, you lazy little cock roll.
Answer your phone.
And whatever you do, don't buy the drugs.
Do not buy the drugs.
Oh, Jesus.
Hey, kid.
Hi.
What's swinging? You got a problem with something? No.
No.
Are you Mad? Yes, I am.
Maddison Maurice Le Dong, PHD.
Oh.
You're You're a doctor? Who said? Well, the, uh, PHD thing.
"Pretty Huge Dick.
" Oh.
Better believe it, kid.
So you want to get laid, huh? Well, I do, but not now.
No.
So, what do you want? I guess I'd like some drugs.
Oh, yeah? Show me the money, kid.
Right.
And I will, but someone kind of told me that I could get the weed now and pay later.
Credit terms.
That's a whole other shark attack right there, kid.
You're right.
Let's just Let's just forget about it.
No, no, it's your game if you want to play it.
Do you want to play it? Okay.
An ounce of bud, please.
Four ounces it is.
No, just the No, 4 ounces.
Nice even Q.
Count $900,easy credit, payable in one easy installment, 48 hours from now.
You got balls, kid.
That's cool, kid.
Because you owe me 900 even.
And your balls are your collateral.
You get me? Stanley! Shit.
Where the hell have you been? I I had to lay down for a while.
Didn't you get my messages, you dildo? Oh.
You bought the weed, didn't you? Yeah.
And we have to talk about it too, because Tony.
Hey, babe.
Come here.
Hey.
Hey.
Hi.
So, Cadie.
Stanley's going to be looking after you tonight.
Okay.
But first we need to sell an ounce of weed or else Stan here is in the doo-doo with his dealer.
I hope you got some really nice narcotics.
Yeah, they actually smell My dealer? That's right.
What we'll do is tell them it's hallucinogenic.
You know? Tony It's got Guatemalan rabbit shit in it or something.
That stuff can be pretty good.
It's 4 ounces.
It's 4 ounces.
I got a Q, okay? Oh my God, Tony.
Break it down.
That is so, so tight.
Rambunctious shit going on.
What did she say? Everyone, meet Tony and, uh, some people.
Tony meet Shannon, Zeke, Zak, Chad, Summer, Shannon, Summer, Chad, Brad, Chad, Randy, Candy, Brandy, Sandy, Mandy, Summer, Zak and Chad.
Tabitha, we were wondering if you and your friends would like a little something? Something? - A little something? - Yeah, you know, mash it up.
Fade a little bit.
Oh, you mean get amoral? Right here, right now? I do.
I'd love to, but we can't.
Not downstairs.
Really? Yes, because the silk wallpaper just arrived from Rome and Mommy's way sick about downstairs odours.
Shame.
Maybe you could take me in the summerhouse.
It's ventilated.
After we get bitching, yeah? Smack it down! Whoo! Let's get this party started.
Ladies, I think we found it.
That's the last Lezoramma I ever go to.
It sucked.
Quit moaning.
They don't even look at you.
It's like you don't exist.
And, to top it off, they don't make out like proper lesbians.
Proper lesbians? Yeah, like in films, right? "When there ain't a man for 60 miles, foxy foxes got to make do.
" That's real lesbians.
Oh, jeez.
Man, people live here.
Just not our kind of people.
Let's make ourselves known.
Stir this party up.
Finally.
Maybe they got real lesbians here.
Real rich lesbians.
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yes! Damn it! Get up here, Stanley.
Whoo! It's no good, though.
Is it, Stanley? Why not? Because you love Michelle.
It shows? Yeah, Stanley.
It shows.
But Michelle loves Tony, even though she thinks you're sweet.
She thinks I'm sweet? Sure.
Careless.
Those stupid rich kids.
Yeah! Yo, Chris! Ton! Yeah! The monkey man is here! Whoo! Party! Whoo! You want to do it now? Hm? Have to be quick, is all.
Why is that? Because Because I took a busload of pills.
Pills? What kind of pills? Oh, you know.
Pills.
Cadie? Cadie? Cadie? Oh, fuck! Move! No, Tony.
You've gone too urban.
Too urban.
No! Ah! No! Take them off! What? That carpet came from Taiwan! Take them off! Take them off! You got it, baby! Ah! Get away from her, you pond-dwelling Get off me! Get off me! This is big! Ah! Get off me! Don't touch him! Ow! Ow! Bitch! Michelle, it's time to leave! What's wrong? She's all pilled up.
Tony! What? We got to go.
Is she breathing? I usually take her to the hospital.
They got a detox.
How are we going to get there? Jeez, somebody, how we going to get there? Nice wheels.
Come on, Tony! Oh, God.
She's not breathing.
Tony, step it up! I'm trying! I'm trying! There! Right there! All right, get her inside.
We got to lose the car.
We almost just died.
Come on, what are you waiting? I need to pee.
I can't do it if you're watching.
No, no, no, we're not watching.
That girl is one crazy son of a bitch.
She's got self-regulation issues.
That's why she's perfect for Stan.
Oh, thanks.
At least we can have a couple of J's before you get de-balled.
Oh.
That's great, Tony.
Relax.
We'll sell it tomorrow.
Daisy.
Your cousins are dope hounds, right? And totally stupid.
There you go.
Anyone got skins? Please say we've got some.
I need to zone out, like, bad.
Here.
Back pocket.
I can't Really? The seat belt.
I cannot get into the back pocket.
There.
Skins.
Dude! Oh my God! Tony! Tony! Brake! I'm going to try to see her tonight Even though I am Going to look like a fool Because I'm going to drink Till the reasons It seems like a bad idea All crawl off and they disappear Into a cave Oh my God! Tony? Tony? Wear a tie to formalize What I'm going to do I reckon that could have gone a lot worse.
What do you say? I reckon we should'a stayed at Lezoramma.
Oh, God.
The weed.
The weed is gone.
You're alive.
That's cool.
I guess.
I'll wake up and pack up my things for you What the hell are you doing, Miriam? It's like you want the neighbours to see you flaunting yourself.
Cover yourself up for God's sake.
Relax, will you? Look at you.
It's It's indecent.
You like it.
You still a virgin? Yup.
After all that I did for you? Yup.
It's embarrassing, Stanley.
Yup.
Motherfucker! What I got to do to get a shave and take a freakin' dump! Okay, listen, get out of that bathroom right now! Tony! Tony? Goddamn it! I just want to take a freakin' dump! Goddamn it! Do you want some pancakes, honey? No one listens! Renee, you got to tell that little shitface to get out of my freakin' can! Mother of God, what's he doing up there? Perming his freakin' pubes? That bathroom lock's busted again.
Drill's under the sink.
You think I'm your bitch, don't you.
That's what you think, huh? Huh? Is that what you think? Me, I'm a normal Joe.
I'm in and out.
Two minutes to unload.
Two minutes max.
You want some pancakes, Jimmy? I want to take a dump in my own house! Yeah, but you're going to fix the bathroom lock, right? Lucky for you I got to be somewhere.
Hey, it's Stanley.
I'm probably too bored to speak to you or I probably just hate you, so leave a message.
You are a lazy little jerkoff, Stanley.
We got plans, remember? Concerning your little penis.
Call me back.
Tony, what? Hey, Daisy.
Can you pop over to Mackenzie and wake Stanley up for me? I keep telling you, Mackenzie Drive is 6 blocks away.
Yeah.
So just pop over and You remember walking, right, Tony? You just take your own little foot Oh, incoming.
Stay on the line, beautiful.
Hey, Nips.
Stop calling me "Nips," Tony.
It's a funny name.
I've seen nipples, Nips, and gosh golly, yours are hilarious.
My nipples aren't funny, okay? Yeah, get used to it, kid.
Anyway, you promised to help Stanley out today.
With what? You remember.
The virgin thing? No.
No.
You were not serious.
Yeah.
He's got to pop his cherry, and I nominated you to, you know, help out.
Do I have to? Nips, you promised.
Stay there.
Chris on the line Yeah, man, you texted.
What's up? Can you go wake Stanley up? I'm busy.
Since when are you ever busy? Busy busy, remember? Oh, yeah.
"Overbite.
" Yeah.
Took her camping like you said.
Thanks for the tip, man.
Well, give her a big hello from me.
Going to.
Come on.
Hello! It's not that much to ask, Nips.
Stan's got to get laid before he turns 17 or he can't be my friend anymore.
What are you talking about, moron? Oh, sorry, Daisy.
It was the wrong line.
Maybe you could take care of Stanley's cherry.
You'd need someone deaf, blind and stupid for that.
And stop calling Michelle "Nips," Tony.
It's a funny name.
She's got funny nipp Oh.
You still there? All right.
Huh? All right, I will help Stanley out if he's that desperate.
Well, there you go.
It's nice to be nice.
Hook up at the Nutbush, 10:30,so we can plan.
I have to plan now? Oh, yeah.
Later, Nips.
I said stop calling me "Nips.
" They're fine.
I can't talk right now.
No joke.
Ah! Ah! Ah! Thanks a lot, Tony.
My uncle wants to stone me to death now.
Your uncle's cool, man.
You want to come to a party tonight? Stan's going to lose his V card.
Oh, man.
Me and Chris promised we'd go on Tea's big, gay Lezoramma night.
Is Chris gay? No.
Are you gay? No, but it's girl on girl.
That's like live porn, man.
And then Chris says we can probably convert them and it'll be like girl on girl on dudes.
Abbud, you doofoid sexual invalid, Stanley's flying solo down the labial love tunnel and he needs some support, right? Candy Mountain's calling and we're taking him home.
Lucky Stanley.
You going to help out? I'll come if we can watch.
Yes? Hi, Mr.
LeSalle.
It's Tony.
Oh, hey, Tony.
How you doing? We're a little bit worried about Stanley, actually.
He's got a sociology test in 15 minutes and He's got what? He's got what?! Stanley! Stanley! You bone-assed Ah! You left pizza on the Five, six, seven, eight.
Polecats, who? Polecats, me.
Polecats you.
We love you.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Love you.
Say who! Hey, Tony.
Forget the big gay night out, Tea.
We need you.
Sorry.
Promised Chris and Abs I'd take them on a voyage of wonder and discovery.
Tea? Tea? Polecats! Can you hold the cheerleading? I can't hear myself think.
Need these moves.
Got a lot of jocks that need positive affirmation, if you know what I mean.
Yeah.
You know, I could use some positive affirmation myself.
Dream on, stud.
What is it? Meet after Psychology.
There's plans.
Maybe.
Got to go.
Big finish.
Hey, you ever told those sweet girls that you worship at the coochy shrine? Now where would be the fun in that, Tony? Later.
Oh, Polecats! Stanley.
Thanks, Tony.
Dad fell into my porn stash.
Wipe out? Oh, yeah.
Let it go, man.
We got business.
Like what? Virgins.
Virginity.
Whose? Yours, dick.
Who else? I'm listening.
Well, we need a briefing.
We do? Nutbush, 10:30.
Tonight, Stanley, you present Mr.
Happy with the keys to the Furry City.
You hear that, Mr.
Happy? The Furry City.
"These 5 stages of grief are familiar "and clinically recognized.
"In time, denial, anger and bargaining "Give way to depression; and the feeling of emotional loss may seem unbearable.
" "In this phase, the feelings of low self-esteem and hopelessness are common.
" "But these will finally give way to acceptance that what has been lost can never return.
" Oh, God! "That life can continue, although it may be different.
And the journey of grief is complete.
" So no more PE teachers, Tina.
I guess.
No matter how big his dick is.
Shut up, Chris.
You guys are all so kind.
Okay, I'm going to need your reports in for next week, because it's important for the midterm evaluation.
I could say he touched me in the shower.
Would you? What? What? Hi, Tina.
Carry your books? Thank you, Chris, but you don't need to do that every day.
Sure I do.
No, Chris.
Yeah, Tina's phone? Can I please have that back? Yeah, quit calling her, jackass.
Who is this? Yeah.
Chris Collins.
Tina's friend.
Oh, really? Yeah.
She's got a lot of friends, asswipe.
Uh, Chris Collins from my health class? Uh, yeah.
That Chris Collins.
You owe me some homework.
See, I had a few problems with the assignment and You're going to have some major problems if it's not on my desk Thursday.
On your desk, Thursday.
Nine a.
M.
Nine a.
M.
Good.
Sure.
Idiot.
And don't call her again.
Pervert.
Hey! All fixed.
Thanks.
No problem.
Party tonight? It's a big night out, Tony.
Sorry, no way.
Hey, hey.
It's for Stanley, all right? Stanley's never going to get laid.
It's a stage in life.
You're going to screw it up for him.
He's not going to screw it up.
I arranged everything.
Doesn't matter.
You're still going to screw it up.
Come on.
Little bit of solidarity, you know? Tony, if you can get that kid's cherry popped, I will accidentally lose control of my breast during next week's halftime show.
Tea, you have yourself a wager.
I'm not really a morning person, man.
No? You showered yet? Exercised? Masturbated? One of those.
This better be good.
Trust me, Stan.
It's good.
You finally get de-hymenated.
You finally get the VIP tour of Netherland.
You finally Easy on the finally, all right? It's embarrassing.
It's totally normal for a kid of 16 not to have had sex It's embarrassing, Stanley.
Fuck.
So we go to a party and we get some girl ricockulously spliffed out.
In her confused state she comes to believe, however momentarily, of course, that you're attractive.
And then She bangs your brains out.
Sounds great.
Who's the lucky girl? You're going to like this, Stanley.
I'm going to do it with Michelle? Oh, my God.
I'm going to park my Chevy in Michelle's garage? Tony, man.
You do not know what means to me, man.
Hey, Michelle.
Hi.
Am I getting laid or should I just start filming this so I can whack off to it later? Nice, babe.
Cool.
So who is dumb enough to jump Stanley? Cadie.
She's in the hospital.
No, they let her go.
Only thing is, she's not allowed to handle knives.
So we're going to need a lot of drugs.
Better buy an ounce, Stan.
Minimum.
Hold up.
I have to buy an ounce of bud? Sure.
There's a guy downtown that'll front you a zip.
We'll pay him back tomorrow.
Why can't you go? Well, because I have a choir audition, then tai chi, then psychology.
There's no way.
Cadie is great in the sack.
As long as she doesn't get hungry.
Yeah? Who says? Everyone.
Everyone.
Just go buy some drugs on credit.
Easy.
What's this guy's name? Here go you, my man.
His name's "Mad Mao Le Dong"? Yeah, is that a problem? Guess I'll just You should go say hi to Cadie.
She's down in Life Skills.
Break the ice, you know? Is that waking you up, Karate Kid? Hi.
I'm sorry about the potatoes.
I'm I'm Stanley.
Okay.
I'm I'm the, uh You know, Michelle said tonight at the party You're going to dope me into outer space, then bang my brains out.
Well, maybe bump Bump your brains out.
Um Got a lot of knives.
Yeah, aren't they cool? Don't you love to see stuff hanging? Um When my hamster died last fall, I embalmed him and hung him over the bed.
And I just lie there watching him twisting.
Poor little Bobbins.
Sounds a little crazy.
That's because I am crazy.
Didn't they tell you? Yeah.
I mean, crazy about cooking.
I only eat cheese puffs.
So, what's in the pot? Stew.
Is that a rabbit? I'm kind of busy right now, Stanley.
Later, we'll get bumping.
At the party.
At the party with a pile of drugs.
You got it.
Oh, and Stanley, I only like really great narcotics.
Understand? Sure.
Birds do it, bees do it Even educated fleas do it Let's do it Let's fall in love In Spain, the best Upper sets do it Lithuanians and Latts do it Let's do it Let's fall in love The Dutch in old Amsterdam Do it Not to mention the Fins Folks in Siam do it Think of Siamese twins Some Argentines Without means do it People say in Boston even beans do it Let's do it Let's fall in love Electric eels I might add, do it Though it shocks them, I know Why ask if shad do it Waiter, bring me shad roe Locusts in trees do it Bees do it Even overeducated fleas do it Let's do it Let's fall in love Anthony, that That's lovely.
I'm sure we'd love to have you in the choir.
Thanks.
Hi, Tony.
Hi, Tabitha.
So, um, my friends think you're way, way hot.
Like literally Bradulous.
- They do? - Oh, yeah.
Those dodo's are just, oh my God, so clitoral.
You're, uh, still coming to my party, right? I am.
Because my 'rents went to Martha's Vineyard and we're going to get, like, so totally retarded on drum and bass.
That sounds great, Tabitha.
I'll see you then.
Mambo.
Mambo? Sick! Just tell Cadie we got a busload of bud.
All she has to do is bang him, for crying out loud.
Hey, Nips, are they standing up? Yeah.
I have that effect.
Well, ditch after Trig and I'll do you with the magic rabbit.
Yeah, I know you like it.
Bring batteries.
Excuse me.
You, sir.
Yes.
Yes? You are aware the Edith Damp Collegiate is an exclusively female private institute? Oh, I am.
Oh, and you think you can just walk in here and pick off girls like flies.
It's that easy, huh? Ah, well, we can call security or you can tell me what your business is.
Oh, no, I was here auditioning for the chamber choir.
I heard they needed male parts in the bass section.
And you know what? They do.
They really do.
Sir, you come back here.
Come back here, sir.
You get back here now No, no, no, no.
Him, not Not me! Him, you idiots! Ah! Oh, for crying out loud.
What? Did you find it? No.
It's like a parallel frickin' dimension here, Tony.
You sure this is the right address? Of course I am.
Hold on.
I think I found it.
It's a bit weird for a drug dealer.
Purchase the narcotics and get your pussy back here.
We got customers.
Buy drugs.
Get laid.
Buy drugs.
Get laid.
For crying out loud, Tony.
I'm doing it, okay.
Stanley? Is that you? Hi, Mom.
I wanted to ask you how your test went.
Are you my 2:30? Um, it It was good.
I got to go.
Get your skinny motherfucking ass in here.
There's cameras everywhere in this whitebread ghetto.
Who are you talking to? I heard cursing.
Nobody.
I really can't talk right now.
Jamazia! Your own mother can't talk to you now? Mom, I got French, okay? Britney and Whitney special.
Two hours right? I'll get the pizza.
Everybody's got to get some Well, here comes the homecoming jock.
Who's telling him we're not going to his lame-ass gossip girl party? You tell him, Dais'.
Why? Because you're scary, man.
Who says I'm scary? Uh, nobody.
Hey, you guys.
You ready for tonight? I got entertainment.
It's the Lezoramma.
Yeah, yeah.
I've been looking forward to it.
I have my trumpet.
Come on.
Stan's going to score.
Tony, the kid can't score.
I mean, have you seen his kaputchka? The thing it does? You know? The way it turns left? His penis turns left? Yeah, but only when it's I meant Stan's going to score weed.
- You're buying green? - Yeah, I'm buying green.
It's easy.
We go to a party and sell drugs to the rich and stupid.
But the town's awash with jinja.
You know that, right? Nobody's buying, not since the Lithuanian College Basketball team came through on tour.
You got to keep up, Tony.
Stanley, you lazy little cock roll.
Answer your phone.
And whatever you do, don't buy the drugs.
Do not buy the drugs.
Oh, Jesus.
Hey, kid.
Hi.
What's swinging? You got a problem with something? No.
No.
Are you Mad? Yes, I am.
Maddison Maurice Le Dong, PHD.
Oh.
You're You're a doctor? Who said? Well, the, uh, PHD thing.
"Pretty Huge Dick.
" Oh.
Better believe it, kid.
So you want to get laid, huh? Well, I do, but not now.
No.
So, what do you want? I guess I'd like some drugs.
Oh, yeah? Show me the money, kid.
Right.
And I will, but someone kind of told me that I could get the weed now and pay later.
Credit terms.
That's a whole other shark attack right there, kid.
You're right.
Let's just Let's just forget about it.
No, no, it's your game if you want to play it.
Do you want to play it? Okay.
An ounce of bud, please.
Four ounces it is.
No, just the No, 4 ounces.
Nice even Q.
Count $900,easy credit, payable in one easy installment, 48 hours from now.
You got balls, kid.
That's cool, kid.
Because you owe me 900 even.
And your balls are your collateral.
You get me? Stanley! Shit.
Where the hell have you been? I I had to lay down for a while.
Didn't you get my messages, you dildo? Oh.
You bought the weed, didn't you? Yeah.
And we have to talk about it too, because Tony.
Hey, babe.
Come here.
Hey.
Hey.
Hi.
So, Cadie.
Stanley's going to be looking after you tonight.
Okay.
But first we need to sell an ounce of weed or else Stan here is in the doo-doo with his dealer.
I hope you got some really nice narcotics.
Yeah, they actually smell My dealer? That's right.
What we'll do is tell them it's hallucinogenic.
You know? Tony It's got Guatemalan rabbit shit in it or something.
That stuff can be pretty good.
It's 4 ounces.
It's 4 ounces.
I got a Q, okay? Oh my God, Tony.
Break it down.
That is so, so tight.
Rambunctious shit going on.
What did she say? Everyone, meet Tony and, uh, some people.
Tony meet Shannon, Zeke, Zak, Chad, Summer, Shannon, Summer, Chad, Brad, Chad, Randy, Candy, Brandy, Sandy, Mandy, Summer, Zak and Chad.
Tabitha, we were wondering if you and your friends would like a little something? Something? - A little something? - Yeah, you know, mash it up.
Fade a little bit.
Oh, you mean get amoral? Right here, right now? I do.
I'd love to, but we can't.
Not downstairs.
Really? Yes, because the silk wallpaper just arrived from Rome and Mommy's way sick about downstairs odours.
Shame.
Maybe you could take me in the summerhouse.
It's ventilated.
After we get bitching, yeah? Smack it down! Whoo! Let's get this party started.
Ladies, I think we found it.
That's the last Lezoramma I ever go to.
It sucked.
Quit moaning.
They don't even look at you.
It's like you don't exist.
And, to top it off, they don't make out like proper lesbians.
Proper lesbians? Yeah, like in films, right? "When there ain't a man for 60 miles, foxy foxes got to make do.
" That's real lesbians.
Oh, jeez.
Man, people live here.
Just not our kind of people.
Let's make ourselves known.
Stir this party up.
Finally.
Maybe they got real lesbians here.
Real rich lesbians.
Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yes! Damn it! Get up here, Stanley.
Whoo! It's no good, though.
Is it, Stanley? Why not? Because you love Michelle.
It shows? Yeah, Stanley.
It shows.
But Michelle loves Tony, even though she thinks you're sweet.
She thinks I'm sweet? Sure.
Careless.
Those stupid rich kids.
Yeah! Yo, Chris! Ton! Yeah! The monkey man is here! Whoo! Party! Whoo! You want to do it now? Hm? Have to be quick, is all.
Why is that? Because Because I took a busload of pills.
Pills? What kind of pills? Oh, you know.
Pills.
Cadie? Cadie? Cadie? Oh, fuck! Move! No, Tony.
You've gone too urban.
Too urban.
No! Ah! No! Take them off! What? That carpet came from Taiwan! Take them off! Take them off! You got it, baby! Ah! Get away from her, you pond-dwelling Get off me! Get off me! This is big! Ah! Get off me! Don't touch him! Ow! Ow! Bitch! Michelle, it's time to leave! What's wrong? She's all pilled up.
Tony! What? We got to go.
Is she breathing? I usually take her to the hospital.
They got a detox.
How are we going to get there? Jeez, somebody, how we going to get there? Nice wheels.
Come on, Tony! Oh, God.
She's not breathing.
Tony, step it up! I'm trying! I'm trying! There! Right there! All right, get her inside.
We got to lose the car.
We almost just died.
Come on, what are you waiting? I need to pee.
I can't do it if you're watching.
No, no, no, we're not watching.
That girl is one crazy son of a bitch.
She's got self-regulation issues.
That's why she's perfect for Stan.
Oh, thanks.
At least we can have a couple of J's before you get de-balled.
Oh.
That's great, Tony.
Relax.
We'll sell it tomorrow.
Daisy.
Your cousins are dope hounds, right? And totally stupid.
There you go.
Anyone got skins? Please say we've got some.
I need to zone out, like, bad.
Here.
Back pocket.
I can't Really? The seat belt.
I cannot get into the back pocket.
There.
Skins.
Dude! Oh my God! Tony! Tony! Brake! I'm going to try to see her tonight Even though I am Going to look like a fool Because I'm going to drink Till the reasons It seems like a bad idea All crawl off and they disappear Into a cave Oh my God! Tony? Tony? Wear a tie to formalize What I'm going to do I reckon that could have gone a lot worse.
What do you say? I reckon we should'a stayed at Lezoramma.
Oh, God.
The weed.
The weed is gone.
You're alive.
That's cool.
I guess.
I'll wake up and pack up my things for you What the hell are you doing, Miriam? It's like you want the neighbours to see you flaunting yourself.
Cover yourself up for God's sake.
Relax, will you? Look at you.
It's It's indecent.
You like it.
You still a virgin? Yup.
After all that I did for you? Yup.
It's embarrassing, Stanley.
Yup.