Sledge Hammer! s01e01 Episode Script

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Who are you? Hold it, ski bum! '12 hours have passed since the Mayor's daughter was first reported missing.
'The police believe she was kidnapped or is just very good at hiding.
- 'The abduction ' - About time, Chief.
Mr Mayor, a squad car found this in a phone booth.
An anonymous caller tipped us off.
"We have your daughter.
Pay us $1 million or we'll kill her.
"Details later.
Have a nice day.
" $1 million! Good Lord! Your home security guard is in criticaI condition.
Poor man.
He was like an employee to me.
'We're at the scene of a liquor store robbery 'thwarted by this man - Inspector Sledge Hammer.
'Inspector Hammer, tell us what happened.
' 'Well, miss, two thugs entered and threatened the owner with shotguns.
'I drew my Magnum and killed 'em both, then I bought some eggs, some milk 'and some little cocktaiI weenies.
' 'Inspector, was what you did in the store absolutely necessary?' 'Oh, yes, I had no groceries at all.
' This Sledge Hammer who is he? A menace.
He used to fire warning shots at jaywalkers.
After this incident, I suspended him with orders not to leave his apartment.
Take him off and put him on this case.
Mr Mayor, rumour has it that this man talks to his gun like it was a person! This isn't open for discussion.
This is an order.
I want Sledge Hammer! What's all the racket?! Will you put a lid on it! Hello? Just a minute.
Hey, people, show some consideration! Keep it down! I'm on the phone, huh? Hey, other people live here, all right?! OK, go ahead, speak to me.
You got it.
I'll be right down.
You hear that? I'm off suspension.
Looks like they can't keep a good man down, huh? Or me either.
- Sledge Hammer! - What's going on? I've got a sniper on that roof.
That no-good, yoghurt-eating creep! - Building evacuated? - Yeah.
We got vermin on the roof but I got an idea.
- Who are you talking to? - Nobody.
What are you doin'? You'll get killed! I think I got him.
- What's the problem? - The lousy machine took my money.
Stand away from it.
No! Hammer! In my office right now! What did I tell you about firing your gun inside? Er, you said, er don't do it.
Damn right! And take off those damn sunglasses! - What sunglasses - I said, take 'em off! You couldn't resist it, you couldn't resist blowing up a building on your way to work, could you, Hammer? Look, the only way to fight criminals is to be wilder than they are.
- Pow! That's my message.
- I feeI a migraine coming on.
A migraine here.
The reason you get these headaches is your neck is outta line.
You need a chiropractic adjustment.
That better? You sadistic, depraved, bloodthirsty, barbaric You call me in to shower me with compliments? No! You heard what happened to the Mayor's daughter? - No.
- Hammer, don't you read the papers? No, I get information from more reliable sources like rumour and small children.
She was kidnapped last night from the Mayor's own home.
You have been personally requested to head up the investigation into the matter.
Requested? Really? By whom? By me.
I'm impressed with the way you get results, Hammer.
Chief Reisner said you obtained information from a suspect by tying him to your car and dragging him through half the city.
No, that's bunk! Half the city? No, we never left the parking lot.
Chief, I find this man perfectly rationaI.
Anybody mind if I smoke? Light a cigarette in front of me, sir, you know what you get? - Whoa! No! - A stick of gum.
The Surgeon GeneraI has determined that smoking is bad for you.
Why don't you just quit? - Pardon me.
- Ah, Detective, come in.
Meet Detective Dori Doreau.
There is no one more knowledgeable in her field.
- Arranging things in alphabeticaI order? - Hammer, I'm warning you! It's all right, Captain, my background in psychology and defence tactics should hold its own against any joke.
The voice of the man who called with the ransom note tip was taped.
It belongs to the leader of a clandestine terrorist group known as the AVON.
Avon? Ding dong! The Allied Violent Offence Network.
Could we kill the lights, please? Keep that gun in your holster! This is the symboI of the organisation.
I feeI it speaks for itself.
This is the leader of the group - Weird Williard Luxley.
His family was so certain he'd turn out rotten, they put him up for adoption three years before he was born.
This is Feliz Navidad, a fiery Latin revolutionary who illegally entered this country by posing as Julio Iglesias.
Lastly, we have former member Kurt Kruggle, a despicable pervert.
First arrested five years ago for making love to a fire hydrant.
He was also charged for parking in front of it.
Could we have the lights, please? I'll find Kruggle, torture him, and get him to tell me where those scumsuckers are.
I don't care what methods you use, Hammer, just bring back my daughter.
I will, sir, dead or alive.
The point is to bring her back alive, Hammer.
Right, alive, of course.
When I say dead No, no, I don't know where my head's at.
Er, Sledge, it's my idea that you and Doreau would sort of team up on this case.
She's, er She's a woman, sir.
I mean, she's a woman.
Look at her.
She's a woman, sir.
She's clearly a woman.
I'm not gonna partner with a woman.
You will partner with Pia Zadora if the Chief asks you to! - The only partner I need is my amigo! - I told you - Sorry, Captain, that was reflex.
- Reflex? Come on, lady.
That man makes Rambo look like Pee-wee Herman.
I take it you're driving.
Better search for Kruggle.
Look, as long as we're stuck together, let's get one thing straight.
I'm the guy, I'm the man, I'm the guy and I call the shots.
Got it? I call the shots and I fire the shots, comprehendo? I bet you think all women should be barefoot and pregnant.
No, I encourage women to wear shoes.
Why don't you drop this adolescent, macho cop act? It's humanly impossible for anyone to be as nihilistic as you're pretending to be.
Freeze, pizza face! - There you are, ma'am.
You all right? - Thank you! This kinda stuff shouldn't happen.
Bye-bye.
All right, stand up, rag-weed, pronto! - Hammer, what are you doing? - I'll teach this genetic mistake a lesson.
We're in front of City Hall.
Wanna be taken in for police brutality? What a All right, all right, I'm not even gonna touch this sea urchin.
Stand back, Doreau.
So, big shot, time to pick on somebody your own size.
- Punch yourself in the mouth.
- What? You heard me, punch yourself in the mouth right now.
It's an order.
Oh, come on, harder than that.
Otherwise I'm gonna do it.
All right, that was nice.
Now slug yourself in the stomach.
I'm running outta time.
Just finish yourself off.
Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
All right, let's scour the seamy side of this city and find ourselves a sleazeball by the name of Kruggle.
I recommend you invest in Company IndustriaI - You sure he's here? - That's his van.
Girls wait in the car! - Yeah, I'm with you.
- You're gonna get me killed! I'm a cop, not some schoolmarm.
All right.
Just make sure nobody comes in after me, OK? - OK, ladies, wait in the john.
- They don't speak English.
- You spoke perfect Swedish.
- Only words I know.
All right, look, I'm a cop.
My name is Sledge Hammer.
Sledge Hammer? - I'm taking you in for questioning.
- Wait, I-I gotta put some clothes on first.
- Well, go ahead and do it.
- Could you turn around? Please? I'm modest.
OK, I'm decent now, you stinking cop! Always keep a gun on you during a massage? How else am I gonna get a woman to give me one? Drop the piece, huh? Slowly.
I heard a shot.
Hi-ya! Doreau, that was excessively violent and completely unnecessary.
I loved it.
It was poetry in motion.
Thank you.
I was top of my class in hand-to-hand combat.
- I'd like to fight you sometime, Doreau.
- You're on.
- So who do you think the cowboy is? - The manager.
Good friend of mine.
Let's get out of here before he wakes up.
All right, troublemaker, let's go.
These were a Christmas gift.
I told you a hundred times, I don't know nothin'! It's freezing in here.
Can I have some hot coffee or something? Yeah, sure.
Doreau, pass me the hot coffee, would you? - It is cold in here.
- Yeah.
Brrr! Whoa! I forgot to give you a cup! I'm sorry, Kruggle! - What are you doing? - You did that on purpose.
You can't do that, man, I got my rights! Listen, I'm Sledge Hammer.
I don't give a damn about the rights of criminals! The only rights I'm interested in defending are the rights of - American citizens! - I'm a citizen.
Shut up! Don't confuse me.
I ain't telling you pigs nothin'.
OK, slimeball.
- I'm taking you to the circus.
- The circus? I never been to the circus before.
Whaddaya talkin' about, man, I'm going to the circus? This is great.
All right, Kruggle, for the last time what do you know? You don't scare me, man, you ain't gonna shoot.
- OK, OK, I'll talk! - Hammer! Er Luxley, he said that he and some of the old gang were going to get together and kidnap the Mayor's daughter.
He asked me if I wanted to help.
I told him, "No way!" - What else? - That's it, I swear! Oh, yeah, Luxley said that they had one person working on the inside.
- Yeah, who was that? - I don't know.
Someone close to the Mayor, that's all I know.
- Yeah? Who? - He he didn't say.
Please release me, let me go.
Doreau, put that blindfold on me.
You know, this is one shot I always miss.
Someone the Mayor gives a lot of money to! That's absolutely all I know! You gotta believe me! - You hit the balloon.
- Yeah, I know.
I missed.
I have access to the names and salaries of everyone on the Mayor's payroll.
Why are you prejudiced against computers? That's how I met my wife on a computer dating service.
- You're married, Hammer? - Was married.
She ran off about three years ago with some geek member of the Peace Corps.
Said he was more sensitive than me.
Can you believe that? Oh, my God! Some women can't take being married to a cop.
I don't know.
I guess some women can't take being married to a cop.
She accused me of bringing my work home with me.
She didn't understand.
You don't leave it at the office.
I'm a cop! Everybody wants results but, you know, nobody's willing to do it, nobody's willing to take the action.
All the other cops are wusses, except me.
Can't let my guard down for one minute.
Hammer you just did.
Punch up the Mayor's personaI finances.
I'll bet the perpetrator is a member of his family.
That leaves the Mayor's wife.
Highly unlikely.
She's one of the most respected women in the city.
Look at this.
Mrs Flambo supports every worthy charity in existence.
- Yeah? All except my favourite one.
- What's that? Toy Guns For Tots.
Hammer! Hammer! Hammer! You did it again, Hammer! Kurt Kruggle is filing a complaint against you as we speak right now! Said you turned a simple questioning session into a full-fledged carnivaI! There was no trapeze act, no elephants.
It had the flavour Captain Trunk, Hammer has managed to obtain vitaI information Shut up, Doreau! Keep defending this buffoon's actions and you're gonna be in hot water, too! - Well, the traitor is the wife.
- Mrs Flambo? The wife kidnapped her own daughter.
I'm gonna have a chat with her.
Look, Hammer, I totally disagree with this theory, but as your partner, I'm prepared to back you up 100%.
Let me go with you.
I'm just gonna make a few calls.
- I like her.
- Who are you talking to? Just - My wife? That's absurd! - Trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Sorry about the handcuffs.
She resisted arrest.
Quite a fighter.
I guess you know that.
- Janice - Take it off, take it off! You would not believe the indignity I've been put through! I hate to say it, sir, but your wife is a Iying, scheming, deceitfuI, no-good piece of white trash.
I've known that for years.
But she had nothing to do with the kidnapping! Chief! Put this numbskull back on suspension for the rest of his life! - I don't understand.
- I've just had a call from the kidnappers! - Aha.
- They've given me a drop-off location and a demand for a private jet.
I have no course now but to capitulate, thanks to you! Doreau, I want you to deliver the ransom to them.
Wait a minute, the messenger is probably gonna get killed.
Let me do it.
- That sounds like a terrific idea.
- No.
The last thing I need on my hands now is a shoot-out.
I'm ordering you to return to your apartment and to stay there.
I'm sorry, I'll have to ask for your badge.
Now, get out! - Be carefuI, Doreau.
- I will, Hammer.
Hello? Is anybody here? Step forward.
Slowly.
So they sent us a little lady and a foxy one at that, too.
Hand over the money, tramp.
You'll be escorting us to that jet, too.
Not untiI I see that Francine is safe.
- Feliz! - Yeah.
Come on, come on, come on.
- How you doin', Francine? - I haven't eaten in a day and a half and I missed last night's Dynasty.
Heh heh heh! Police person is clean! Drop the victimised society girI routine.
An accomplice in your own abduction.
What are you talkin' about, pig? FinanciaI records gave me the name of the college she attended four years ago.
You attended at the same time, Luxley.
My hunch is that you know each other and are an item.
I applaud your ingenuity.
You see, I loathe my father.
Now I'll escape from under his fascist thumb along with my lover, my comrades and one million dollars! - Perfect plan, Francine.
- And once we're safely away, I'll kill you myself.
You'd kill me for a briefcase full of shredded paper? There's nothing but confetti in here! Surprise! Party's over, cupcakes! - And just who are you, man? - Yeah, sucker, and why are you smilin'? - Why? Because I'm trigger-happy! - You're dead, man! You may be right.
Let's get it over with.
I got an aerobics class in the morning.
You've just ruined my best sports jacket.
Now I'm really mad! I almost forgot I had a grenade in my pocket.
Lucky this jacket didn't go to the cleaner's.
Aw! Ahh! Oooh! Three down one to go.
- You deserve a good spanking, girly.
- Drop the gun or this broad gets it.
Be my guest.
Go ahead, kill her.
And then I'll just go ahead and kill you.
- She's serious.
- I'm sure she is.
As a policewoman, I know you're prepared to die in the line of duty.
All right, stud, it's just you and me.
Drop the gun.
I know you'd never shoot at a woman.
- Ohh! - Sorry, Francine call me a feminist.
Does that hurt? Any time a nice sports jacket gets ruined, it hurts.
- Thank goodness you followed me here.
- No, don't thank goodness thank gun.
Thanks, Sledge.
Enough warmth.
My own daughter.
Just like her mother - an idiot.
Nevertheless Doreau, congratulations on a job well done.
Thank you, sir, but I can't take all the credit.
Yeah, you can.
Doreau, in a few moments it'll be my great pleasure to present you with a full promotion.
What about Hammer? I wouldn't be here if it weren't for him.
He broke the rules.
He will remain on suspension.
- That's not fair! - Stop worrying about Hammer! Concern yourself with your own career.
Let's go.
Got 50 reporters outside.
Here's your acceptance speech.
It says how much you admire my administration and how well you think I react under fire - I wrote it myself.
Thank you, sir, I respectfully decline the promotion.
What? Am I hearing correctly? Seems like you're hearing pretty well.
- Let's go, partner.
- Doreau you're off your rocker! True but I know what I'm doing.