Sleuth 101 (2010) s01e01 Episode Script
Family Assorted
WOMAN: Always me who has to clean up the mess.
And it is messy today.
Very messy.
(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS) Most of it is your fault, Dad.
Look at you, you've got crumbs all over yourself.
Ugh.
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS) Ohh.
Ooh.
Oh.
(IRRITABLY) Daddy.
Daddy? Daddy?! Huh? Ohh.
He's stopped breathing.
('GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN' PLAYS) (SCREAMS) (THEME SONG PLAYS) (APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello! Hello.
Seasons greetings.
Welcome to Sleuth 101, the show that tests your mastery of mystery.
Now, don't worry, kids, that wasn't the real Santa.
It was just Bill Quinn, father of two, retired headmaster and rapidly cooling corpse.
This year, Bill got something a bit different for Christmas - he got killed.
At least it's not socks.
To solve this little Christmas conundrum, please welcome our guest detective Dave O'Neil.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Right.
Right.
It wasn't you? You're right, it wasn't me.
It wasn't you? Good.
OK.
I'm ready.
Are you a fan of detective stories? I love detectives.
But I am old-style, violent 1970s cop, that's why I'm wearing this shirt.
So I'm ready for a bit of whack! Excellent.
There'll be no forensic for me.
I'll just get it out of them.
Brute force? Yes.
Excellent.
Even if they didn't do it.
A confession's a confession.
Exactly.
That's what we want.
And go home.
Now, we've got four suspects in this murder.
You'll be meeting them later on.
Right.
First of all, we need to check out the scene of the crime.
This way, Mr O'Neil.
OK.
(APPLAUSE) This is the now rather ironically named 'living room'.
Hmm.
This is Bill's favourite chair.
This is his favourite lamp, this is his favourite chalk outline.
Right.
OK.
Now, the pathologist has been through, taken the body, but what I want you to do is have a look around for clues that might be lying about.
OK.
Well, there's this very interesting 'Wombat Farming' prospectus, which is I had that idea years ago, I've gotta say.
They've ripped me off.
But that could cause a bit of tension.
Er This, a feather duster, you think is a clue or Could just be a feather duster.
OK, we'll just leave that.
Excellent.
Ah, now Ooh.
I think I don't wanna put my fingerprints on it.
Too late.
(LAUGHS) What do you reckon it is? Hang on, let me tell you.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) It's been sitting there for a while.
That's eggnog.
Eggnog.
It'd be Christmas eggnog, I'd say.
Oh, you're good.
On the chair, there's a lot of crumbs, aren't there? Yep.
I'm an expert in crumbs.
(LAUGHS) That's short Maybe it's shortbread.
Christmas shortbread maybe.
Please don't tell me you're gonna have some more just to make sure.
Yeah, I'm just (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) There's something else with the crumbs there, on the couch.
It's a sort of a it's a guide to chocolates, which I love.
A choice of five chocolates in the chocolate box.
Nice.
OK, hold onto that.
Now, that's What is that? That could be like a backside padding to In case you want to get a bit of booty like Beyoncé.
(LAUGHS) Or perhaps (LAUGHS) If Santa wanted to be a bit more tummylicious.
Oh! I don't think John Wood needed it but, anyway It's Santa Claus stomach padding.
I think you're doing pretty well there, Mr O'Neil, so come down here with me and I will give that to forensics.
Yep, I touched that, so Yup.
You've touched that as well, that'll give them something to think about.
Excellent.
Now, do you want to read out the chocolate menu? Because it could be important.
Sure! Um dark chocolate with whole hazelnut.
Mm-hm.
Milk chocolate with peppermint cream.
That'd be the one I'd have.
You'd like that? Mm-hm.
OK.
Dark chocolate with strawberry cream.
Ooh.
I'd go for that one as well, actually.
I'd go for all of them.
Milk chocolate with whole almond.
Ooh.
And then just solid dark chocolate.
Wow.
Obviously it's important, so I'll hang on to this.
Well, it could be important.
Now, I think it's time that you meet your first suspect, Bill's possibly patricidal son, Steve Quinn.
A self-described entrepreneur who's constantly creating new businesses.
None of them are any good but at least he's trying.
Take it away, Steve.
It was your typical Christmas nightmare.
Lunch was good, but then the horror began.
What's 'ET' stand for? I think I'll start clearing up.
Mum escaped to the kitchen as usual.
Suppose I'll have to help Mum.
As usual.
Come on, this is a good one.
I'll give you three guesses.
Chocolate, dear? Thanks, Marjorie.
Because he's got little legs.
What? Get it? (LAUGHS) What? It doesn't make sense.
Oh, I hate soft centres.
You have it, darling.
Mmm.
It says 'short for'.
It says, "What's 'ET' short for?" Now I've got a nut.
Right, it's funnier my way.
You stand on your legs, don't you? Whatever, Dad.
I need to talk to you about something.
All my money's tied up.
How did he know? Just go after him! (SNIFFS AND SNEEZES) I said no.
Not this time.
How did a son of mine turn out to be such a loser? Please, Dad, I need it.
Son Really.
I can't just keep handing out stuff for nothing.
I mean, who do you think I am? ('WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS' PLAYS) What's wrong with Mum? Other than menopause? STEVE: Now I had to tell Ally the bad news.
What did he say? It's all sorted.
Is it really? 'Cause otherwise I'm gonna sort it out myself.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I've fixed everything.
Has she been crying? What's happened? Oh, I just got some Spray & Wipe in my eyes, so (SNIFFS) Make yourself useful and put these away.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Dad, I demand No.
Dad, I think you sh It was no use.
I was too scared of him.
In his eyes, I did everything wrong.
Shit! I don't know what she's talking about, there's tissues in there.
What? Oh, nothing.
There's tea in the dining room.
Tissue, dear? Thanks.
STEVE: We went and had a cuppa until, you know, Michelle screamed.
Now, Dave, everything you've seen was the truth, but Steve may have left out some crucial information, as he often does on his tax return.
The only way you'll work out the truth is to ask him yourself.
I'd like to talk to Steve.
Dave, meet Steve.
OK.
So, Steve, eh? Drive-through optometry.
Yes.
Amish online.
Yes.
All good ideas, yeah? Not so far.
But this one, wombat farming, if you're interested I'm not, but Lost a lot of money in ostrich farming.
But he called you a loser.
That must hurt.
That's his way with people.
Is it? He's like that.
And often it's just a joke.
And, you know, I laugh it off.
But he's obviously financed projects of yours in the past? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, most of them.
Normally he comes round - he says no the first time and then he comes around.
And when he said no to this, you just snapped and killed him, yeah? No, no, no.
Yeah.
You did.
No, no, no Listen, buddy, you did, alright? If you're wondering where the good cop is, there is none.
Yep, no.
Bad cop, bad cop.
Why would I kill my dad? People have before, mate.
It happens.
So, what do you stand Because he's now passed away, do you stand to get money because he's dead? Do you get some of his money? Ohh I haven't even thought that far ahead.
Really? I'm still trying to get over the fact that I found my dad dead on the lounge room floor on Christmas Day.
Right.
Are they crocodile tears we're seeing or are they real? These are real tears.
Really? Crocodile farming's not a bad idea either.
Listen Yep.
what chocolate did you have, by the way? You have a Something soft centre? It was Look, I had something soft, I think, like a Peppermint or strawberry? I can't remember.
My wife just You can remember peppermint or strawberry? You're an entrepreneur but you can't differentiate between peppermint or strawberry.
No wonder you're failing, son.
Do I remind you of your dad? Are you gonna snap and kill me now? Are ya? Are ya? Come on Dave, I'm gonna have to stop you there.
We've got some results through from pathology.
Now, according to these, the cause of death was suffocation.
Fibres from the pillow you found, Dave, were discovered inside Bill's airway.
Does that help you at all? What are you like at shoving pillows in people's mouths, buddy? Now, we've spoken to the son, it's time to meet the daughter, Michelle.
Michelle Quinn is Barry and Marjorie's oldest child, and, at the age of 39, is still living at home with her parents.
She combines her love of history and cleaning in her restoration work at the museum.
She is in danger, however, of ending up like her relics - dusty, forgotten and handled only by strangers.
It was typical, no-one was doing anything for Christmas dinner except Mum and me.
Ally was being her usual painful self.
(SNEEZES) Oh, sorry, I can't stop sneezing.
Where's that cat? I put Match out before lunch.
You're probably just allergic to good company.
(LAUGHS) (SNEEZES) There must be cat fur in here somewhere.
Maybe you should've vacuumed yourself if you didn't like the way that I'd done it.
BILL: Yeah, it's never bothered you before.
You don't just develop cat allergies, you know.
Why not? You never used to have a beer gut.
(THUMP) Oww! What? MICHELLE: Of course, after dinner, I was the only one who'd help Mum with the dishes.
There's a milk one and a dark one left.
I wonder which one I'll have.
I wish Ally would help.
She thinks she's so superior just because she's married.
Listen, did I tell you about the lovely boy in my rock climbing class? Oh, he's gorgeous and Phyllis said he's a doctor.
Don't you start, Mum.
What about my mosaic class? Or the book club.
That'd be good.
Phyllis is the president.
She'd let you in.
Mum, would you stop? You are ruining my Christmas.
And when were you going to tell us you're moving to the Gold Coast? What? Mum?! (READS) Gold Coast Real Estate? Where'd you get this? Well, I couldn't find any tissues in the loo, so I went into my bag and this accidentally fell out of Bill's jacket.
You've already sold this place.
You settle in February which means you'll be gone before Mum, what about me? I have to talk to your father.
And don't say anything to Steven.
You know how he can fly off the handle.
Make yourself useful and put these away.
It was about then I noticed how completely filthy the place was.
I'll go and tell the others the tea's ready, shall I? STEVE: Can you give it a rest? Of course.
Sorry for wanting to have a clean house.
I'll go and clean in the living room, shall I? Dad won't mind if I wake him up.
And Dad just sat there asleep as if everything was OK.
I needed to talk to him, ask him what was going on.
Of course, I didn't know Daddy?! Dave, meet Michelle.
Michelle, may I? Oh.
Must I say I can't believe a beautiful woman such as yourself is still single.
Ohh! (CHUCKLES) And living at home.
Neither can I.
How can anyone? Alright, enough sucking up.
Now Oh.
why'd you kill your dad? Why? I loved my dad.
I loved my dad.
But he was abandoning you, wasn't he? Well He was moving to the Gold Coast.
They'd already settled.
I mean, he did this all the time.
Like Mum He once bought a car for Mum without telling her.
It was a Monaro, it was completely inappropriate.
It was orange Sure.
It was two doors, and then Mum had to drive that around.
How did I get in the back seat? It was very difficult.
He did this.
Dad had a habit of doing this to Mum.
But Mum was obviously on board with the Gold Coast thing if she was moving too.
But you weren't on board.
It seems to be a classic, they're in their 50s, 60s, er 60-ish Oh, yeah.
They'd be classic empty nesters.
Except there's still a little birdie in the nest But Dad growing older.
And older.
(CHUCKLES) Listen Sorry.
That was maybe a bit close to the bone but (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) How do you feel about Ally, your sister-in-law? Do you like her? You don't seem to like her or Well, I like her in the sense that she is a conniving, scheming, manipulative, blonde younger woman who's married.
I mean, I like her.
Well, what chocolate did you have in the end? Was it dark or was it milk? I don't know.
What difference does it make? Oh, it's I had There were two chocolates left and I had one of them.
But I can't remember which one it was.
You can't remember.
OK.
Why were you crying, Michelle? I was crying because It's hard with Ally and Steve married and happy and and it's just me and the dust buster.
Sure.
And Mum and Dad I mean, that came out wrong, but Now, Dave, I hate to break up the sizzling sexual tension that you've got on, because there's more information from forensics.
Oh, fantastic.
The stain on the pillow had traces of chocolate and peppermint cream.
Any thoughts on that, Mr O'Neil? It brings me back to Steve who had a creamy chocolate.
It was either peppermint or strawberry.
So, goddamn it! Michelle, you're off the hook.
Now it's time for the grieving widow.
Since her retirement from working as Bill's admin assistant for almost 40 years, Marjorie has thrown herself into the exciting world of adult education classes.
She'll try anything, as long as it gets her away from Bill.
In hindsight, I should've known he was up to something with that comment he made to Michelle.
More potatoes, Dad? Geez, are you trying to kill me? (LAUGHS) Oh, Dad, I think we'll have you for a few Christmases yet.
Actually, you might not see me at all next Christmas.
What? What do you mean? Which reminds me.
Are you ever leaving home? I mean, I know I'm a bundle of joy to be around, but seriously Well, Mum needs me here.
And it's really close to work because it's just the three buses.
And you always say that rent is just money down the drain.
And and and and I like it here.
(SNEEZES) Ugh.
Gold Coast Real Estate? Bill was doing it again.
I have to talk to your father.
I really didn't think I'd get much sense out of him especially after a Christmas lunch.
I've learnt to let him wake up in his own good time.
After a quick visit to the powder room, I ran into Steven.
I don't know what she was talking about, there's tissues in there.
What? Oh, nothing.
There's tea in the dining room.
Tissue, dear? Dave, your witness.
Marjorie.
How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
The long suffering, hey? Well, not that long.
Well, how long have you been with Bill? Oh, 40 years.
But you don't seem to want to spend a lot of time with him.
You do your rock climbing and, what, boot scooting What else do you do? Stamp collecting Well, I've got a new life, yeah.
Scrapbook A new life? Mmm.
How do you feel about Bill's new life that he'd organised? I am just l'm just sorry that he's dead.
I just don't know how I'll be going You know, I'll probably be able to get over it but, oh, it's such a shock.
You know, it's such a shock.
No-one in my family would have done it.
No-one.
I have it on good authority that you actually studied murder at TAFE.
Maybe not but, anyway, listen.
I think you're clutching at straws.
Perhaps I am.
(LAUGHS) So, what about your husband moving to the Gold Coast? What if I was to tell you he wasn't taking you? He, in fact, hooked up with some young strumpet who's moving there without you.
A young blonde girl, the age 25, maybe 24.
What if I was to tell you that? What if I knew that for a fact? I don't, but I don't need another corpse in my police station morgue, so settle down.
But, obviously, you don't think it's a blood relative who killed your husband.
No.
Then again, you're not a blood relative.
Your kids are blood relatives but you're not.
Ooh.
See? See what I did there? Yes.
See that? Did you see that degree coming in handy that I did somewhere? Did you did you do your degree at TAFE too, did you? Yeah, possib (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Dave, Dave Yes.
l'm gonna cut in there Sure.
as the pathologist said to the corpse.
(LAUGHS) I know it was a goodie.
Speaking of which, the new toxicology report tells us Bill's eggnog had nothing poisonous in it, just vast quantities of brandy and rum.
Basically, no egg, all nog.
Maybe our last suspect will shed some light.
Steve's wife, Ally Quinn, has her own successful podiatry business.
As well as supporting her patients' arches, she's been supporting her husband's increasingly far-fetched schemes.
I hate Christmas.
The Quinns have a great way of making you feel good about yourself.
There's a lot of cheese on that.
And? And you have been stacking a lot lately.
MARJORIE: Bill! It's quite nice, though, isn't it? My friend Phyllis gave me the recipe.
Friend? Since when have you had any friend? ALLY: I was just waiting for Marjorie and Michelle to leave so Steve could talk to his dad about money.
And when Bill said All my money's tied up.
I knew something was up.
I knew he'd get nowhere with his dad.
If that money was really tied up, I needed to find out where.
BILL: Son, really, I can't just keep handing out stuff for nothing.
I mean, who do you think I am? ALLY: The house and all the savings, all for one tacky little penthouse.
I really wanted to tell Steve about it but the Quinns were closing ranks.
Make yourself useful and put these away.
ALLY: I tried to make conversation with Michelle but it wasn't easy.
Nice lunch.
Not that you did anything to help.
Ooh! There's a chocolate left.
It's a dark one Oh, that's mine, actually.
'Course I'm surprised you got room for any after the amount that you scoffed down.
OK.
OK.
Later, when the others were having a cup of tea, I was enjoying a little peace and quiet when (MICHELLE SCREAMS) Dave, the daughter-in-law awaits you.
Ally, how are you? I'm fine, thanks, Detective.
And yourself? I'm good.
People don't seem to like you in this house.
I can't understand why.
I like me.
Yeah, right.
Sure.
So Steve never found out about this Gold Coast thing? He didn't know? Well, I wanted to tell him, but when that family come together, they're like kind of claws all gripping in together and they kind of close ranks and they come in on you.
I wake up screaming about this family.
They give me nightmares.
So you're kind of on edge, aren't you? You're kind of a little bit psychopath? Well, I wouldn't say psychopath.
So you killed him before he could even tell Steve, yeah? No, I didn't kill him.
You killed your father-in-law.
Why would I kill my father-in-law? He needed to be alive so that we could ask him for money.
Your mother-in-law's basically said you did it, right? What? Well, Marjorie said She was basically saying that she thinks you did it.
Oh, my God.
I think she did it then.
You think she did it? (LAUGHS) Alright.
What chocolate did you have? Did you get a chocolate in the end or? Well, I looked at several chocolates.
I had one that was a nut.
Oh.
It was a nutty chocolate.
I remember because it sticks in my teeth and I can't stand it.
It's like a fungal toenail that gets stuck in there.
I don't like nuts.
No, right.
Like your father-in-law, you don't like it, do you? You want to kill it? You want to get rid of it? I did not murder my father-in-law.
Hmm.
I liked him a tiny bit, but I didn't Right.
Right.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) A tiny bit.
OK.
Well, you're suspect number one at the moment.
What?! Well There is no way I can go to prison.
My hair has just been done.
But you'd be like a hot prisoner.
You'll be alright.
Really? Yeah.
Really? You'd be in the steam room working that thing like on 'Prisoner'.
Oh, stop it, I wouldn't.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, so why'd you kill him?! I'm telling you now, I would look deep into that family because I have known for years they are psychotic.
The only reason I stay with Steve is because we really need the money.
We're in a lot of debt.
We're only gonna have one income now and it's desperate times.
Michelle did it? Probably as well.
I don't know.
CAL: I'm going to stop you there, Detective O'Neil.
Good.
It's time for you to attempt to solve the crime.
Before you do that, we've got one final piece of information from the lab.
Yeah? The analysis of Bill's stomach contents found traces of hazelnut.
Helpful? I feel like I'm working in a chocolate shop.
Which is a fantasy of mine, by the way.
So that's it.
You have all the information needed to solve the crime.
Was it the self-unemployed son? The dowdy, dateless daughter? The menopausally moody missus? Or the domineering daughter-in-law? Here's a clue.
It wasn't the broken crockery you should have kept your eye on.
Do you have a hunch? Well, sit up properly then! Let's see what Dave thinks.
(SCREAMS) Alright, Dave O'Marple Yes.
It's your moment of truth.
It's time for you to unmask the murderer.
OK.
In you go.
Alright.
Look at you guilty, guilty people.
A bit of attention, please.
You all know why I've gathered you here today.
I'm gonna tell you which one of you killed the fabulous Bill.
I mean, most murders are a domestic thing in nature, which, I think, precludes you, Ally, even though you're a red-hot, ready-to-go blonde, mad, stabbing sort of type.
I don't think you did it.
I don't think so either.
No.
No, it's funny you don't think that.
And Steve, you're the obvious choice.
But, you know, with that hair, you wouldn't survive a minute in prison.
So (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) I don't want to put you in there.
Look, I've basically got no idea.
So what I'm gonna do I've noticed on every cop show where they have cameos of people, the famous one always did it, like when 'Law & Order' had Cyndi Lauper on it, she did it, right? OK, so I mean, you're on 'Thank God You're Here', but you're not a household name.
You're on that gardening show that got axed.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) You're in 'The Librarians', sure, but it's on the ABC, let's face it.
Leaves you, Ding-Dong, and I mean, you know, everyone Marjorie, thank you.
Marjorie.
Marjorie, yes, sure, Marjorie.
Everyone knows you, you're a household name.
You sat on a couch like this with Ernie Sigley for years and you had a fight with Daryl Somers famously, so, um it's you, Marjorie.
Stand up.
You did it.
Let's get value out of money out of you, I reckon.
Dave, let's see if that amazing logic actually works.
DAVE: Yeah.
Yeah, Ding-Dong did it.
Ding-Dong.
The real Christmas murderer is present.
Ooh! And would they please stand up? It was me! (APPLAUSE) (MARJORIE SOBS) See? I was right! He was gonna take me away from Phyllis, my new friend, and she was going to all the classes with me and she made me feel myself.
I just felt fabulous.
Oh, my God.
It's a lesbian murder.
It was, in fact, Marjorie who since retirement has found a new lease on life.
For the first time in her married life, she's discovered an independent, exhilarating existence with a soul mate.
Learning all that was about to be uprooted by an uncaring husband drove her to unpremeditated but drastic action.
Marjorie told us she poked her head through the door to the living room and saw Bill asleep, but she left out the little detail about killing him - freeing herself from a suffocating marriage by suffocating her husband.
And in doing so, leaving traces of chocolate behind on the pillow.
When she left, you may have noticed that Steve had replaced the soup tureen in the time she'd taken to kill her husband.
If she had just poked her head in as she said, it wouldn't have been there yet.
DAVE: Oh.
And as for the chocolates? Let's see, we know Bill had the hazelnut, Ally also had a nut and so must have had the almond which was milk chocolate.
Michelle had dark chocolate, which means Marjorie had the only other milk chocolate, the one with the peppermint filling.
And if you hadn't worked it out, and you didn't, Dave, Ally's noticeable increase in allergies, larger appetite and the time spent in the toilet are because she's pregnant.
Oh, what a shame Bill's dead.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) He would have loved a grandson.
Yes.
CAL: Congratulations, Ally and Steve, on your imaginary pregnancy.
How are you feeling, Dave? Yeah, I mean, it was like being at uni.
Everything went over my head.
(LAUGHTER) I didn't understand a thing.
But I got it right in the end.
I got there in the end, so I'm very excited.
I'm going to join the police force today.
Did you lot spot the red herring this week? Go to our website, find out if you're right.
While you're there, check out the Sleuth 101 interactive game and you can get an advanced clue to next week's show.
Until then, I've been Cal Wilson and will probably continue to be so in the future.
Goodnight.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Next week, Oz rock legend Kyle Bowman receives a lifetime achievement award that's very close to his heart.
(SCREAMS) Who put it there? Was it the wife, his drummer or just a lover of good music? Frank Woodley is playing lead detective but can he make the killer sing? (SINGS) # I love you.
# It's sex, drugs and rock'n'roll next week on Sleuth 101.
Your tongue got lost in her ear!
And it is messy today.
Very messy.
(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS) Most of it is your fault, Dad.
Look at you, you've got crumbs all over yourself.
Ugh.
(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRS) Ohh.
Ooh.
Oh.
(IRRITABLY) Daddy.
Daddy? Daddy?! Huh? Ohh.
He's stopped breathing.
('GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN' PLAYS) (SCREAMS) (THEME SONG PLAYS) (APPLAUSE) (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Hello! Hello.
Seasons greetings.
Welcome to Sleuth 101, the show that tests your mastery of mystery.
Now, don't worry, kids, that wasn't the real Santa.
It was just Bill Quinn, father of two, retired headmaster and rapidly cooling corpse.
This year, Bill got something a bit different for Christmas - he got killed.
At least it's not socks.
To solve this little Christmas conundrum, please welcome our guest detective Dave O'Neil.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Right.
Right.
It wasn't you? You're right, it wasn't me.
It wasn't you? Good.
OK.
I'm ready.
Are you a fan of detective stories? I love detectives.
But I am old-style, violent 1970s cop, that's why I'm wearing this shirt.
So I'm ready for a bit of whack! Excellent.
There'll be no forensic for me.
I'll just get it out of them.
Brute force? Yes.
Excellent.
Even if they didn't do it.
A confession's a confession.
Exactly.
That's what we want.
And go home.
Now, we've got four suspects in this murder.
You'll be meeting them later on.
Right.
First of all, we need to check out the scene of the crime.
This way, Mr O'Neil.
OK.
(APPLAUSE) This is the now rather ironically named 'living room'.
Hmm.
This is Bill's favourite chair.
This is his favourite lamp, this is his favourite chalk outline.
Right.
OK.
Now, the pathologist has been through, taken the body, but what I want you to do is have a look around for clues that might be lying about.
OK.
Well, there's this very interesting 'Wombat Farming' prospectus, which is I had that idea years ago, I've gotta say.
They've ripped me off.
But that could cause a bit of tension.
Er This, a feather duster, you think is a clue or Could just be a feather duster.
OK, we'll just leave that.
Excellent.
Ah, now Ooh.
I think I don't wanna put my fingerprints on it.
Too late.
(LAUGHS) What do you reckon it is? Hang on, let me tell you.
(AUDIENCE GROANS) It's been sitting there for a while.
That's eggnog.
Eggnog.
It'd be Christmas eggnog, I'd say.
Oh, you're good.
On the chair, there's a lot of crumbs, aren't there? Yep.
I'm an expert in crumbs.
(LAUGHS) That's short Maybe it's shortbread.
Christmas shortbread maybe.
Please don't tell me you're gonna have some more just to make sure.
Yeah, I'm just (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) There's something else with the crumbs there, on the couch.
It's a sort of a it's a guide to chocolates, which I love.
A choice of five chocolates in the chocolate box.
Nice.
OK, hold onto that.
Now, that's What is that? That could be like a backside padding to In case you want to get a bit of booty like Beyoncé.
(LAUGHS) Or perhaps (LAUGHS) If Santa wanted to be a bit more tummylicious.
Oh! I don't think John Wood needed it but, anyway It's Santa Claus stomach padding.
I think you're doing pretty well there, Mr O'Neil, so come down here with me and I will give that to forensics.
Yep, I touched that, so Yup.
You've touched that as well, that'll give them something to think about.
Excellent.
Now, do you want to read out the chocolate menu? Because it could be important.
Sure! Um dark chocolate with whole hazelnut.
Mm-hm.
Milk chocolate with peppermint cream.
That'd be the one I'd have.
You'd like that? Mm-hm.
OK.
Dark chocolate with strawberry cream.
Ooh.
I'd go for that one as well, actually.
I'd go for all of them.
Milk chocolate with whole almond.
Ooh.
And then just solid dark chocolate.
Wow.
Obviously it's important, so I'll hang on to this.
Well, it could be important.
Now, I think it's time that you meet your first suspect, Bill's possibly patricidal son, Steve Quinn.
A self-described entrepreneur who's constantly creating new businesses.
None of them are any good but at least he's trying.
Take it away, Steve.
It was your typical Christmas nightmare.
Lunch was good, but then the horror began.
What's 'ET' stand for? I think I'll start clearing up.
Mum escaped to the kitchen as usual.
Suppose I'll have to help Mum.
As usual.
Come on, this is a good one.
I'll give you three guesses.
Chocolate, dear? Thanks, Marjorie.
Because he's got little legs.
What? Get it? (LAUGHS) What? It doesn't make sense.
Oh, I hate soft centres.
You have it, darling.
Mmm.
It says 'short for'.
It says, "What's 'ET' short for?" Now I've got a nut.
Right, it's funnier my way.
You stand on your legs, don't you? Whatever, Dad.
I need to talk to you about something.
All my money's tied up.
How did he know? Just go after him! (SNIFFS AND SNEEZES) I said no.
Not this time.
How did a son of mine turn out to be such a loser? Please, Dad, I need it.
Son Really.
I can't just keep handing out stuff for nothing.
I mean, who do you think I am? ('WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS' PLAYS) What's wrong with Mum? Other than menopause? STEVE: Now I had to tell Ally the bad news.
What did he say? It's all sorted.
Is it really? 'Cause otherwise I'm gonna sort it out myself.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I've fixed everything.
Has she been crying? What's happened? Oh, I just got some Spray & Wipe in my eyes, so (SNIFFS) Make yourself useful and put these away.
(INHALES DEEPLY) Dad, I demand No.
Dad, I think you sh It was no use.
I was too scared of him.
In his eyes, I did everything wrong.
Shit! I don't know what she's talking about, there's tissues in there.
What? Oh, nothing.
There's tea in the dining room.
Tissue, dear? Thanks.
STEVE: We went and had a cuppa until, you know, Michelle screamed.
Now, Dave, everything you've seen was the truth, but Steve may have left out some crucial information, as he often does on his tax return.
The only way you'll work out the truth is to ask him yourself.
I'd like to talk to Steve.
Dave, meet Steve.
OK.
So, Steve, eh? Drive-through optometry.
Yes.
Amish online.
Yes.
All good ideas, yeah? Not so far.
But this one, wombat farming, if you're interested I'm not, but Lost a lot of money in ostrich farming.
But he called you a loser.
That must hurt.
That's his way with people.
Is it? He's like that.
And often it's just a joke.
And, you know, I laugh it off.
But he's obviously financed projects of yours in the past? Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah, most of them.
Normally he comes round - he says no the first time and then he comes around.
And when he said no to this, you just snapped and killed him, yeah? No, no, no.
Yeah.
You did.
No, no, no Listen, buddy, you did, alright? If you're wondering where the good cop is, there is none.
Yep, no.
Bad cop, bad cop.
Why would I kill my dad? People have before, mate.
It happens.
So, what do you stand Because he's now passed away, do you stand to get money because he's dead? Do you get some of his money? Ohh I haven't even thought that far ahead.
Really? I'm still trying to get over the fact that I found my dad dead on the lounge room floor on Christmas Day.
Right.
Are they crocodile tears we're seeing or are they real? These are real tears.
Really? Crocodile farming's not a bad idea either.
Listen Yep.
what chocolate did you have, by the way? You have a Something soft centre? It was Look, I had something soft, I think, like a Peppermint or strawberry? I can't remember.
My wife just You can remember peppermint or strawberry? You're an entrepreneur but you can't differentiate between peppermint or strawberry.
No wonder you're failing, son.
Do I remind you of your dad? Are you gonna snap and kill me now? Are ya? Are ya? Come on Dave, I'm gonna have to stop you there.
We've got some results through from pathology.
Now, according to these, the cause of death was suffocation.
Fibres from the pillow you found, Dave, were discovered inside Bill's airway.
Does that help you at all? What are you like at shoving pillows in people's mouths, buddy? Now, we've spoken to the son, it's time to meet the daughter, Michelle.
Michelle Quinn is Barry and Marjorie's oldest child, and, at the age of 39, is still living at home with her parents.
She combines her love of history and cleaning in her restoration work at the museum.
She is in danger, however, of ending up like her relics - dusty, forgotten and handled only by strangers.
It was typical, no-one was doing anything for Christmas dinner except Mum and me.
Ally was being her usual painful self.
(SNEEZES) Oh, sorry, I can't stop sneezing.
Where's that cat? I put Match out before lunch.
You're probably just allergic to good company.
(LAUGHS) (SNEEZES) There must be cat fur in here somewhere.
Maybe you should've vacuumed yourself if you didn't like the way that I'd done it.
BILL: Yeah, it's never bothered you before.
You don't just develop cat allergies, you know.
Why not? You never used to have a beer gut.
(THUMP) Oww! What? MICHELLE: Of course, after dinner, I was the only one who'd help Mum with the dishes.
There's a milk one and a dark one left.
I wonder which one I'll have.
I wish Ally would help.
She thinks she's so superior just because she's married.
Listen, did I tell you about the lovely boy in my rock climbing class? Oh, he's gorgeous and Phyllis said he's a doctor.
Don't you start, Mum.
What about my mosaic class? Or the book club.
That'd be good.
Phyllis is the president.
She'd let you in.
Mum, would you stop? You are ruining my Christmas.
And when were you going to tell us you're moving to the Gold Coast? What? Mum?! (READS) Gold Coast Real Estate? Where'd you get this? Well, I couldn't find any tissues in the loo, so I went into my bag and this accidentally fell out of Bill's jacket.
You've already sold this place.
You settle in February which means you'll be gone before Mum, what about me? I have to talk to your father.
And don't say anything to Steven.
You know how he can fly off the handle.
Make yourself useful and put these away.
It was about then I noticed how completely filthy the place was.
I'll go and tell the others the tea's ready, shall I? STEVE: Can you give it a rest? Of course.
Sorry for wanting to have a clean house.
I'll go and clean in the living room, shall I? Dad won't mind if I wake him up.
And Dad just sat there asleep as if everything was OK.
I needed to talk to him, ask him what was going on.
Of course, I didn't know Daddy?! Dave, meet Michelle.
Michelle, may I? Oh.
Must I say I can't believe a beautiful woman such as yourself is still single.
Ohh! (CHUCKLES) And living at home.
Neither can I.
How can anyone? Alright, enough sucking up.
Now Oh.
why'd you kill your dad? Why? I loved my dad.
I loved my dad.
But he was abandoning you, wasn't he? Well He was moving to the Gold Coast.
They'd already settled.
I mean, he did this all the time.
Like Mum He once bought a car for Mum without telling her.
It was a Monaro, it was completely inappropriate.
It was orange Sure.
It was two doors, and then Mum had to drive that around.
How did I get in the back seat? It was very difficult.
He did this.
Dad had a habit of doing this to Mum.
But Mum was obviously on board with the Gold Coast thing if she was moving too.
But you weren't on board.
It seems to be a classic, they're in their 50s, 60s, er 60-ish Oh, yeah.
They'd be classic empty nesters.
Except there's still a little birdie in the nest But Dad growing older.
And older.
(CHUCKLES) Listen Sorry.
That was maybe a bit close to the bone but (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) How do you feel about Ally, your sister-in-law? Do you like her? You don't seem to like her or Well, I like her in the sense that she is a conniving, scheming, manipulative, blonde younger woman who's married.
I mean, I like her.
Well, what chocolate did you have in the end? Was it dark or was it milk? I don't know.
What difference does it make? Oh, it's I had There were two chocolates left and I had one of them.
But I can't remember which one it was.
You can't remember.
OK.
Why were you crying, Michelle? I was crying because It's hard with Ally and Steve married and happy and and it's just me and the dust buster.
Sure.
And Mum and Dad I mean, that came out wrong, but Now, Dave, I hate to break up the sizzling sexual tension that you've got on, because there's more information from forensics.
Oh, fantastic.
The stain on the pillow had traces of chocolate and peppermint cream.
Any thoughts on that, Mr O'Neil? It brings me back to Steve who had a creamy chocolate.
It was either peppermint or strawberry.
So, goddamn it! Michelle, you're off the hook.
Now it's time for the grieving widow.
Since her retirement from working as Bill's admin assistant for almost 40 years, Marjorie has thrown herself into the exciting world of adult education classes.
She'll try anything, as long as it gets her away from Bill.
In hindsight, I should've known he was up to something with that comment he made to Michelle.
More potatoes, Dad? Geez, are you trying to kill me? (LAUGHS) Oh, Dad, I think we'll have you for a few Christmases yet.
Actually, you might not see me at all next Christmas.
What? What do you mean? Which reminds me.
Are you ever leaving home? I mean, I know I'm a bundle of joy to be around, but seriously Well, Mum needs me here.
And it's really close to work because it's just the three buses.
And you always say that rent is just money down the drain.
And and and and I like it here.
(SNEEZES) Ugh.
Gold Coast Real Estate? Bill was doing it again.
I have to talk to your father.
I really didn't think I'd get much sense out of him especially after a Christmas lunch.
I've learnt to let him wake up in his own good time.
After a quick visit to the powder room, I ran into Steven.
I don't know what she was talking about, there's tissues in there.
What? Oh, nothing.
There's tea in the dining room.
Tissue, dear? Dave, your witness.
Marjorie.
How are you? I'm fine, thank you.
The long suffering, hey? Well, not that long.
Well, how long have you been with Bill? Oh, 40 years.
But you don't seem to want to spend a lot of time with him.
You do your rock climbing and, what, boot scooting What else do you do? Stamp collecting Well, I've got a new life, yeah.
Scrapbook A new life? Mmm.
How do you feel about Bill's new life that he'd organised? I am just l'm just sorry that he's dead.
I just don't know how I'll be going You know, I'll probably be able to get over it but, oh, it's such a shock.
You know, it's such a shock.
No-one in my family would have done it.
No-one.
I have it on good authority that you actually studied murder at TAFE.
Maybe not but, anyway, listen.
I think you're clutching at straws.
Perhaps I am.
(LAUGHS) So, what about your husband moving to the Gold Coast? What if I was to tell you he wasn't taking you? He, in fact, hooked up with some young strumpet who's moving there without you.
A young blonde girl, the age 25, maybe 24.
What if I was to tell you that? What if I knew that for a fact? I don't, but I don't need another corpse in my police station morgue, so settle down.
But, obviously, you don't think it's a blood relative who killed your husband.
No.
Then again, you're not a blood relative.
Your kids are blood relatives but you're not.
Ooh.
See? See what I did there? Yes.
See that? Did you see that degree coming in handy that I did somewhere? Did you did you do your degree at TAFE too, did you? Yeah, possib (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Dave, Dave Yes.
l'm gonna cut in there Sure.
as the pathologist said to the corpse.
(LAUGHS) I know it was a goodie.
Speaking of which, the new toxicology report tells us Bill's eggnog had nothing poisonous in it, just vast quantities of brandy and rum.
Basically, no egg, all nog.
Maybe our last suspect will shed some light.
Steve's wife, Ally Quinn, has her own successful podiatry business.
As well as supporting her patients' arches, she's been supporting her husband's increasingly far-fetched schemes.
I hate Christmas.
The Quinns have a great way of making you feel good about yourself.
There's a lot of cheese on that.
And? And you have been stacking a lot lately.
MARJORIE: Bill! It's quite nice, though, isn't it? My friend Phyllis gave me the recipe.
Friend? Since when have you had any friend? ALLY: I was just waiting for Marjorie and Michelle to leave so Steve could talk to his dad about money.
And when Bill said All my money's tied up.
I knew something was up.
I knew he'd get nowhere with his dad.
If that money was really tied up, I needed to find out where.
BILL: Son, really, I can't just keep handing out stuff for nothing.
I mean, who do you think I am? ALLY: The house and all the savings, all for one tacky little penthouse.
I really wanted to tell Steve about it but the Quinns were closing ranks.
Make yourself useful and put these away.
ALLY: I tried to make conversation with Michelle but it wasn't easy.
Nice lunch.
Not that you did anything to help.
Ooh! There's a chocolate left.
It's a dark one Oh, that's mine, actually.
'Course I'm surprised you got room for any after the amount that you scoffed down.
OK.
OK.
Later, when the others were having a cup of tea, I was enjoying a little peace and quiet when (MICHELLE SCREAMS) Dave, the daughter-in-law awaits you.
Ally, how are you? I'm fine, thanks, Detective.
And yourself? I'm good.
People don't seem to like you in this house.
I can't understand why.
I like me.
Yeah, right.
Sure.
So Steve never found out about this Gold Coast thing? He didn't know? Well, I wanted to tell him, but when that family come together, they're like kind of claws all gripping in together and they kind of close ranks and they come in on you.
I wake up screaming about this family.
They give me nightmares.
So you're kind of on edge, aren't you? You're kind of a little bit psychopath? Well, I wouldn't say psychopath.
So you killed him before he could even tell Steve, yeah? No, I didn't kill him.
You killed your father-in-law.
Why would I kill my father-in-law? He needed to be alive so that we could ask him for money.
Your mother-in-law's basically said you did it, right? What? Well, Marjorie said She was basically saying that she thinks you did it.
Oh, my God.
I think she did it then.
You think she did it? (LAUGHS) Alright.
What chocolate did you have? Did you get a chocolate in the end or? Well, I looked at several chocolates.
I had one that was a nut.
Oh.
It was a nutty chocolate.
I remember because it sticks in my teeth and I can't stand it.
It's like a fungal toenail that gets stuck in there.
I don't like nuts.
No, right.
Like your father-in-law, you don't like it, do you? You want to kill it? You want to get rid of it? I did not murder my father-in-law.
Hmm.
I liked him a tiny bit, but I didn't Right.
Right.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) A tiny bit.
OK.
Well, you're suspect number one at the moment.
What?! Well There is no way I can go to prison.
My hair has just been done.
But you'd be like a hot prisoner.
You'll be alright.
Really? Yeah.
Really? You'd be in the steam room working that thing like on 'Prisoner'.
Oh, stop it, I wouldn't.
(LAUGHS) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, so why'd you kill him?! I'm telling you now, I would look deep into that family because I have known for years they are psychotic.
The only reason I stay with Steve is because we really need the money.
We're in a lot of debt.
We're only gonna have one income now and it's desperate times.
Michelle did it? Probably as well.
I don't know.
CAL: I'm going to stop you there, Detective O'Neil.
Good.
It's time for you to attempt to solve the crime.
Before you do that, we've got one final piece of information from the lab.
Yeah? The analysis of Bill's stomach contents found traces of hazelnut.
Helpful? I feel like I'm working in a chocolate shop.
Which is a fantasy of mine, by the way.
So that's it.
You have all the information needed to solve the crime.
Was it the self-unemployed son? The dowdy, dateless daughter? The menopausally moody missus? Or the domineering daughter-in-law? Here's a clue.
It wasn't the broken crockery you should have kept your eye on.
Do you have a hunch? Well, sit up properly then! Let's see what Dave thinks.
(SCREAMS) Alright, Dave O'Marple Yes.
It's your moment of truth.
It's time for you to unmask the murderer.
OK.
In you go.
Alright.
Look at you guilty, guilty people.
A bit of attention, please.
You all know why I've gathered you here today.
I'm gonna tell you which one of you killed the fabulous Bill.
I mean, most murders are a domestic thing in nature, which, I think, precludes you, Ally, even though you're a red-hot, ready-to-go blonde, mad, stabbing sort of type.
I don't think you did it.
I don't think so either.
No.
No, it's funny you don't think that.
And Steve, you're the obvious choice.
But, you know, with that hair, you wouldn't survive a minute in prison.
So (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) I don't want to put you in there.
Look, I've basically got no idea.
So what I'm gonna do I've noticed on every cop show where they have cameos of people, the famous one always did it, like when 'Law & Order' had Cyndi Lauper on it, she did it, right? OK, so I mean, you're on 'Thank God You're Here', but you're not a household name.
You're on that gardening show that got axed.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) You're in 'The Librarians', sure, but it's on the ABC, let's face it.
Leaves you, Ding-Dong, and I mean, you know, everyone Marjorie, thank you.
Marjorie.
Marjorie, yes, sure, Marjorie.
Everyone knows you, you're a household name.
You sat on a couch like this with Ernie Sigley for years and you had a fight with Daryl Somers famously, so, um it's you, Marjorie.
Stand up.
You did it.
Let's get value out of money out of you, I reckon.
Dave, let's see if that amazing logic actually works.
DAVE: Yeah.
Yeah, Ding-Dong did it.
Ding-Dong.
The real Christmas murderer is present.
Ooh! And would they please stand up? It was me! (APPLAUSE) (MARJORIE SOBS) See? I was right! He was gonna take me away from Phyllis, my new friend, and she was going to all the classes with me and she made me feel myself.
I just felt fabulous.
Oh, my God.
It's a lesbian murder.
It was, in fact, Marjorie who since retirement has found a new lease on life.
For the first time in her married life, she's discovered an independent, exhilarating existence with a soul mate.
Learning all that was about to be uprooted by an uncaring husband drove her to unpremeditated but drastic action.
Marjorie told us she poked her head through the door to the living room and saw Bill asleep, but she left out the little detail about killing him - freeing herself from a suffocating marriage by suffocating her husband.
And in doing so, leaving traces of chocolate behind on the pillow.
When she left, you may have noticed that Steve had replaced the soup tureen in the time she'd taken to kill her husband.
If she had just poked her head in as she said, it wouldn't have been there yet.
DAVE: Oh.
And as for the chocolates? Let's see, we know Bill had the hazelnut, Ally also had a nut and so must have had the almond which was milk chocolate.
Michelle had dark chocolate, which means Marjorie had the only other milk chocolate, the one with the peppermint filling.
And if you hadn't worked it out, and you didn't, Dave, Ally's noticeable increase in allergies, larger appetite and the time spent in the toilet are because she's pregnant.
Oh, what a shame Bill's dead.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) He would have loved a grandson.
Yes.
CAL: Congratulations, Ally and Steve, on your imaginary pregnancy.
How are you feeling, Dave? Yeah, I mean, it was like being at uni.
Everything went over my head.
(LAUGHTER) I didn't understand a thing.
But I got it right in the end.
I got there in the end, so I'm very excited.
I'm going to join the police force today.
Did you lot spot the red herring this week? Go to our website, find out if you're right.
While you're there, check out the Sleuth 101 interactive game and you can get an advanced clue to next week's show.
Until then, I've been Cal Wilson and will probably continue to be so in the future.
Goodnight.
(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) Next week, Oz rock legend Kyle Bowman receives a lifetime achievement award that's very close to his heart.
(SCREAMS) Who put it there? Was it the wife, his drummer or just a lover of good music? Frank Woodley is playing lead detective but can he make the killer sing? (SINGS) # I love you.
# It's sex, drugs and rock'n'roll next week on Sleuth 101.
Your tongue got lost in her ear!