SLiDE (2011) s01e01 Episode Script

Mum's going to kill me.
It's probably not our biggest problem right now.
Does it smell like old milk in here? Should I cry? Let's all cry.
People, focus.
We need to get our stories straight.
I'm not saying anything without legal representation.
Sometimes, I have these blackouts and I can't remember what I've been doing.
It's like sleepwalking.
I could be asleep right now.
I've had a really bad day.
I've only been here for three weeks.
And I don't even really know those other people! I've watched a lot of cop shows.
And I think you've gotta give me a phone call to my lawyer if I had one.
Maybe you have to get me one.
Do you? Please, please, please, I'll tell you everything! Just don't tell my parents! Please.
Hey, I helped you out.
You help me out.
Look, you're my number-one priority.
I really wanna work this out.
I do too, Dad.
I don't care about my footprint.
I fly carbon-neutral.
Just get me that bloody green tick! Ha-hey! I kinda messed up the parking, but Neville was really good at distracting the guy.
Who's Neville? My instructor.
Ah, well, congratulations, and happy birthday.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
I made you another one with no car in it in case you didn't get it.
Not that I doubted you.
So how are you gonna celebrate this milestone of maturity? I wanna have a massive party with fireworks and dancing girls and a parade with a big sign that says, "Happy birthday, Ed.
"You're a man now and you rock.
" Why don't you just text some people and tell them you're having a thing? Because, A, I don't have cool parents, and, B, who? Who would I call? remember that time when we got drunk at that party at Hanky's and we talked about that hypothetical thing No way.
.
.
and we made a pact? No way.
Ja way.
We'd be commemorating many years of friendship.
What could be better than sharing this special thing with someone you already know and trust? Um doing it with someone you're actually attracted to? Can't believe I have to be here on a Saturday.
I can't believe it's only been three weeks and you're already in trouble.
I need money for lunch.
Course you do.
You know, Scarlett, your mother might've put up with this bullshit, but I won't.
I'll pick you up at 12:00.
Can't wait.
Miss Carlyle, you come to us with a very poor academic record indeed.
And as you can see, we won't stand for the sort of behaviour that you're probably used to getting away with in southern schools.
And I intend to set you on the path to educational rehabilitation.
I take my job as an educator of young minds very ser Miss Lee, perhaps you can explain your tardy appearance? Did you just say I look retarded? I'm pretty sure you're not allowed to say that.
Phone.
Miss Lee and Miss Carlyle I want a thousand words on the subject of sanctuary on your desks at 12 o'clock.
Miss Cartright, you can continue with your class work.
Yes, Mr Lancaster.
You're all to stay here and work quietly until my return, OK? You're gonna get in so much trouble for that.
So I'm guessing you're the school rebel, then? Gotta fight the power? What about you? Mummy and Daddy don't pay you enough attention? Finally, someone in this town with some kick in their arse.
How am I meant to concentrate if I can't even check my phone messages? So, what did you get done for? Defacing school property or breaking and entering? Wrote report cards for all the teachers and I put them up on the school site.
Nice.
What heinous crime did you commit? Smoking.
And not even on school property, at the bus stop.
And what about you, Bellbell? Did you forget your sports uniform? Told Miss Thomas to go fuck herself.
Why? 'Cause she's a psycho bitch and she hates me.
"A rare cosmic conjunction is about to bring you an opportunity "that could change your life.
" Am I going to lose my V-plates? "What stands in the way of this? "You do, with a small problem that you're making much too much of.
" You know all that stuff's made up.
Hey, don't slam Jonathan.
He's my unpaid therapist.
He's doing an excellent job.
How can you believe in all that stuff? I never said I believe in it.
I said I like it.
You like Batman, and he's not real.
I don't base my life decisions on what the Dark Knight does.
Actually, I do sometimes think, "What would Batman do?" And what'd he do on his birthday? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't eat a strawberry cupcake and go to work, unless "Strawberry Cupcake" was the name of some sexy super-villain.
A thousand words on sanctuary on my desk.
The school is a sanctuary for learning, but I've recontextualised it to make it look like the gates of hell.
I suppose you think you're terribly clever.
I try.
I want your essay Monday morning! And all of you can stay behind and clean this desk.
OK? So you never told me your name.
Her name's Eva.
Who drives a scooter? It's not the south of France.
I think it's cool.
Hi, you've called Tony Carlyle.
Please leave a message.
It's got nothing to do with that, Alannah.
She's been here, what, three weeks, and she's already in trouble at school.
You've turned her into a spoilt little brat.
Love you too, Dad.
Oh, shit.
Scarlett! Fuck! It was her.
Are you gonna bring that in or do I have to do it myself? No.
I mean, yes.
Yes and no.
Berries are good I've heard.
Are you waiting for me to tip you or something? No, I just wanted to say hi which I have now said.
I'm Scarlett.
Yeah, I know.
We go to the same school.
Really? You don't seem familiar.
Yeah What else do you know about me? Uh that you are from down south and your dad owns the hotel.
And you like pancakes! And in the middle of the night, you like toast with peanut butter and marshmallow.
And you are? Ed.
So, Ed, what are you doing now? I just have one more minibar left and then I'm done.
Oh, you get to go into the rooms! Fun! Yeah, um not really.
Someone's having a dirty weekend! As much as I hate this job, I really don't wanna get fired on my birthday.
Is it your birthday? Technically.
Happy birthday, Ed.
Now, I wouldn't usually be so tragic as to ask, but I don't really know anybody, and if you're having a party, then maybe Yes! Uh, except oh, I'm not having one because my party last year was crazy.
All this out-of-control stuff happened, and my parents Have it here! Here? At the hotel! Give me your phone.
"7:00pm.
Enter via fire escape.
" Party pose! This is where and when.
Send it to all the coolest people you know.
You do know cool people, though, right? Yeah.
Yep.
It's Scarlett's party.
Ed's going to party.
Ed's going to party.
Ed's going to party.
Ed's going to party.
Yeah! Oh, Ed's going to party.
Oh, yeah, you want my party Cool people.
Cool people.
Luke! Hey Ed.
Yeah, from school.
And Scouts.
Right.
What's up? What are you doing tonight? Wanna come to a party? Where's it at? Penthouse, at the Urban.
Seven o'clock.
Maybe.
OK.
I'm texting you.
Invite cool people.
Cool people! So you're saying I smell bad and I have poor oral hygiene? Yep, but I'm saying it as a gift, so you have to appreciate it.
Tams, I need you to listen to me for a second.
I think I'm in love.
I need more information.
Scarlett, new girl at school.
Oh, that troll that walks around like she's in a high school movie.
You just have to get to know her.
She lives in a hotel.
Huh, like Chuck Bass.
Who? He's on some show that I would never watch, obviously.
So, what about this girl? She's having a party for me at the penthouse suite.
What? How? Why? All excellent questions, but the important part is this is going to be the girl - the woman - who is going to turn me into a man.
I need a whole new look, not just healthy gums.
Ice blond Nordic blond.
Is there desperate blond? Aw Don't worry, Spaz, you won't be a virgin forever.
Why don't you just get on the microphone, announce it to the whole store? 'Cause I don't need to.
Everyone can tell just by looking at you.
How are you OK with it? For a boy, virginity is a social stigma.
But for a girl, it's a valuable commodity.
I could sell it on the internet and buy myself a house.
Like that Japanese girl.
I thought she was Brazilian.
The point is my stock goes up the longer I wait.
Yours goes down.
"Get ready for the new you.
"Change your look, change your life.
" Hm.
Let's not expect too much.
I think it's a migraine.
Do you want me to cancel my meeting? No, I'll just stay on the couch.
Might go late, but call me if you need anything, OK? Make sure you eat something.
Look, I'm sorry about this afternoon.
I've just had a few stressful days with work.
Sure, I understand.
'Bye, Dad.
OK, it's time to rinse.
About time.
This shit's getting itchy.
Ahh! AHH! How does it look? Does it say, "Hey, ladies, I've got my licence to party"? Um What have you done? We could always shave it off.
I hate you.
It's not my fault.
Hairdressing's not an exact science.
Yes, it is.
And now you've made me look exactly like a freak.
So, thanks, you shouldn't have! It's not that bad.
Don't, OK?! Don't try and make me feel better! I have to go to my party with the world's sexiest female with this on my head! Ed, I can fix it.
Stay back, woman.
This is when a boy needs his mum.
She'll know what to do.
I had a feeling about tonight.
It was gonna be the best party I ever had, maybe the best party I ever would have.
You turned me into a freakin' leprechaun.
I was battle-ready, gonna take my tour of duty.
Gonna butter some serious muffin.
Surprise! Please tell me this isn't happening.
It's happening.
My big boy! How do you like your party? You surprised? Yeah, Mum.
Well done.
Why are you wearing that silly hat? Mum! Tammy.
Tammy! Now, when are you two gonna get together? Mum! Well, you can't blame me for trying.
Come on, smile! This is a party, not a circumcision.
Happy birthday, champ.
What happened to your cousin Dave? He used to be really cute.
Year and a half on meth.
Oh.
That stuff's really bad for your hair.
Can we focus on how we're gonna get to my party? What about this party? This is not my party.
This is my funeral.
Hey, so, Tam, how are ya? Yeah, good.
Thanks, Pete.
My son woken up to himself yet and asked you to be his girlfriend? Dad! Just jokes.
You said hello to your gran? Hello, darling.
Happy birthday.
You're a big boy now.
Hey, Tam.
Hey, Phil.
How was the game? We were the hungry people lost in the jungle, and they were the rats.
We had to eat to survive.
Miaow.
Ah.
So who is everyone? Um That's Ed's gran.
We call her 'Gran'.
Uncle John - he's the gay Christian.
Aunty Joanne, she's married to Adam, and he's Jewish, so she converted.
And Aunty Joanne's kids from a previous relationship, Sonja and Dave.
She's a Scientologist, he's a militant atheist.
The whole thing's a ticking time bomb, really.
Just don't say anything about anything.
Ed looks so sweet in that little hat, like when you see a little dog wearing a woollen jacket.
Yeah, I think he needs one of those lampshade things around his neck.
Hi.
Hey.
Is this the party? It is now! I'm Luke.
Scarlett.
Come in.
So what's with the no people? I know! How sad is that? Ed said he'd tell people 'cause I just moved here.
And what if nobody comes? Oh, it's early.
It's never just a salad with your mum, is it? It always looks like a photoshoot for a magazine.
What is wrong with you? Every time I look at you, you've got your hands down your pants.
It's the hair dye.
What? I put the rest of the hair stuff on my pubes so they would match.
Just in case.
Are you insane? I am now.
It's fucking itchy! No shit! It's peroxide! Well, what do I do? Uh, rinse it off.
OK.
Now.
Well, this is really excellent.
I finally meet the girl of my wet dreams and now she'll hate me.
Why don't you just message her? 'Cause I didn't get her number.
Here's a crazy idea.
Why don't you just be honest with your mum? "Sorry, Mum, I've had a good time, "but my friend organised another party for me.
" Nah, because I can't deal with the guilt and that sad little look she'll get when I hurt her little feelings.
It's not the end of the world.
There'll be other birthdays, other parties.
No, there won't, not like this.
Ed? Your mum says that you have to go and talk to your cousins.
You coming? I'll be waiting.
Why did Mum have to invite Phillipa? Just because she lives next door doesn't mean I want her at my party.
So it is your party now? No, my party's happening in a parallel universe, but instead of me making out with a beautiful girl, it's Luke Gallagher, international man of mystery.
Is Luke Gallagher going to this party? Yeah, I invited him.
How do you know Luke Gallagher? We go way back.
I think I would know if you were friends with Luke Gallagher.
Can you stop saying his name like he's a rock star? Well, he is.
I mean, he's not my type, obviously.
But he thinks he's such a player, with his ridiculous shiny white-teeth smile.
I mean, really.
Do you think he's good-looking? You know that guy, um, Blind Freddy? OK, I get it.
He's hot.
He's probably at my party right now being all hot in front of my Scarlett.
We have to get out of this party.
Oh, you are the party, Spaz.
OK, everyone, we're gonna play team charades.
So, Ed, you wanna be team leader? Dad, no.
Look, I know it's a kids' game, but it'll be lots of family fun.
Come on, it won't kill you.
On the couch with Gran.
Come on, everyone.
So how do you know Ed? School.
I'm pretty sure I would have noticed if you were at my school.
I kind of got suspended for a month, which is kinda cool 'cause I'm kinda over it.
I've been there five minutes and I'm ready to burn the place down to the ground.
Lukey?! Hey! Hey, how's it going? Alright! Hi.
Scarlett.
Nice to meet you.
How's it going? Hey, just put it in the fridge.
- Oh, gorilla! - 'Silence of the Lambs'? Um, 'Toy Story'? 'Toy Story'? - 'Grease'.
- 'Casablanca'! - 'Last Tango in Paris'? - Ooh, ooh, 'Alien'! Oh, 'Titanic'! Yeah! 'Titanic'! Have you guys seen Ed? Who's Ed? Is he the guy having the party? Have you guys seen Ed? Hey, have you seen Ed? No, I don't think so.
Ooh! Quite the hostess.
Well, I want my guests to be comfortable.
He looks comfortable.
And what about you? Very.
Where the hell is Ed? You want a drink? I've got some vodka in my bag and we can mix it with some fizzy.
Sure.
May as well get drunk and forget this night ever happened.
Were you and Phil having a moment before? Don't.
I've lost my sense of humour.
Well, get it back 'cause we're going to the party and you're driving.
Don't mess with me.
I'm serious.
You're wasting precious party time.
We're really going? I told your mum I had a little gynaecological issue and that I needed to get a prescription filled at a 24-hour chemist, which is conveniently located on the other side of town.
Brilliant! Why didn't you do that four hours ago? Because your mum trusts me.
This is a one time only, special occasion, get out of jail free card, OK? Best present ever.
Careful! Indicate! Indicate! 'Bye, Eddie.
It's so weird seeing you driving.
I remember when you used to have that remote-controlled car.
You were obsessed with it.
You used to take it everywhere.
'Red Fred'.
That's right! Whatever happened to 'Red Fred'? I don't like to talk about it.
Didn't you smash it into a bus or something? That's one of the most painful childhood memories.
Can you leave it alone? Ohh.
What are you doing? I think I missed a spot.
What? The hair dye.
Don't think I rinsed it enough.
It's burning like a mother It's not funny! My balls are on fucking fire! I think you need to neutralise the acid.
Acid? I've got acid on my dick? Ohh Ohh! Oh, oh.
Ohh! It feels amazing.
Ohh.
Might have been a good idea to take your pants off before you did that.
Hey, how's your night, Dom? Oh, it's pretty quiet, hey, Mr Carlyle.
Ohh, yeah! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! Whoo! Oh, for fuck's sake.
It's just a little party.
It's not the end of the world.
Oh, enough! This is just another way for you to destroy everything I care about.
I don't know what I did to make you hate me so much, Scarlett.
I worked like a fucking dog to give you and your mother everything.
All you care about is your stupid hotel! And all you care about is yourself! What do you think your mother sent you here for, hm? You're an ungrateful little shit, Scarlett.
And you know what? Now I hate you too.
Oh, by the way, I've called the cops.
You've got about 10 seconds before they get here.
We're nearly there.
I've found some jeans, but they're really tiny.
Hand them over.
Oh, these are frickin' midget pants! Yo, are you Ed? Yeah.
Great party.
Thanks.
That was my party, wasn't it? Should we go home? No, I want to find Scarlett.
The party's over.
We just saw it running away down the street.
There'll be other birthdays.
It's not over till I see Scarlett and get these stupid Get in the car! Get in the car! Where's Scarlett? I don't know.
I lost her.
Drive! I never said I hated you.
So I was waiting for Ed to introduce us, but obviously that's not gonna happen.
I'm a little bit busy.
Hey, Tammy.
I'm Luke.
How do you know my name? We go to the same school.
Good.
I'm glad we got that out of the way.
Scar! Put her on speaker phone.
Hey, Scarlett.
It's Ed Newman.
Look, I'm really sorry that I couldn't come to your party Our party.
I really wanted to.
Scarlett, are you there? Where are you? I don't know.
I think I was near a river before.
Well, that's everywhere in Brissie.
You're always near a river.
What else can you see? Nothing landmarky.
No, wait.
I see a big building.
It looks like it might be a haunted mental asylum.
Oh, fuck.
I'm at school.
Stay right there.
We're coming.
OK.
If you come any closer, I'll scream my guts out! I have self-defence training.
I know how to cut your balls off with my key ring! Wow.
If I had balls, I'd be really scared.
Oh, shit! Oh, my God.
Hey, Princess.
You scared the crap out of me! What are you doing here? I got lost.
What are you doing here, besides creeping around in the dark like a freaky emo vampire? Leaving a little present for Lancaster.
Have you got enough fire starters? It should go up like the opening night at the Olympics.
Ooh! I was just thinking how I'd like to burn this place down to the ground.
This is the part of the movie where the stupid teenagers walk right into the serial killer's trap.
And it turns out to be the school principal.
He murdered the other principal to get the job and now he's killing the students.
He ties them all to chairs and makes them sit a test to see who he's gonna kill first and whoever fails gets their head cut off and he puts them in their lockers.
Or they have their intestines ripped out and they have to measure them and calculate their mass.
Where is she? I'll call her.
Scarlett! Did you hear something? That'll be my Dad.
He's having a mental breakdown.
No answer.
Maybe something's happened.
Something bad.
This is Brisbane, not Baghdad.
Then where is she? Do you know how to use a camera? Right.
Don't get my face.
Shoot it from up there.
Is it gonna be dangerous? Hope so.
Ooh! Good luck not burning your face off! Hah! Fuck! Whoo-hoo! Come on! Ahh-ha-ha-ha! Hey! Hey, guys! Evie! Hey.
Where's Scarlett? Scarlett! Ed! What is this? Homework.
Finally! Where have you been all night? Trying to get where you are.
Oh, the party was brilliant until my dad rocked up and had a complete psychotic episode.
Oh, isn't this amazing? This is the most fun I've had since I got here.
Your friends are totally cool.
Oh, my God, is this your girlfriend? No, no, no, no, friends.
Strictly platonic, sister kind of acquaintance.
Oh, my God! Ohh! Isn't she great? Great.
It looks like Luke thinks she's great too.
No! I'm sure it's just a passing, can't get enough of each other, two experienced non-virgins having sex kind of thing.
Why would she like me when there's guys like him? If I was a girl, I wouldn't even want to go for me.
You know that stupid pact thing we were talking about? I'm never gonna be that guy that gets the girl.
I'm gonna be the guy still living with his mother when he's 40.
Maybe I was a little bit hasty.
I'm a total 'tard and this birthday was excrement.
Arggh! Oh, come on! Hey? Hey? Hey, put me down! Whoo! Argh! ARGGH! Please, please, please, I'll tell you everything.
Just don't tell my parents! Party? Wait.
Is this about the party? Oh, you're talking about the party, not the anything else.
No, I don't do parties.
Yeah, I was at the party.
All night.
It was awesome.
My party? I wasn't even at that party.