Son of a Critch (2022) s01e01 Episode Script

1 - - I grew up in the middle of nowhere.
Of all the terrible days of my lonely childhood the first day of junior high was the worst.
I didn't know how to be a kid because I was never around any.
No other kids lived on my street.
I had to attend the nearest catholic junior high and that meant being bused halfway across town with total strangers.
I shared a room with my 80-year-old grandfather.
Good morning, pop.
Good mornin'.
Pop washed himself like a cat.
Nothing gets you out of bed faster than being mooned by an octogenarian.
Oh, I'm good girl, yes.
My God, heard all about your husband.
Oh, don't be talking.
Shocking, isn't it, him full up with the cancer? My father worked at the radio station next door, but my mother was a radio station.
She shot out gossip like a machine gun.
Yes, I'm sure the crowd at the hospital knows best, but I did hear that Dr.
Hall left his wife for a gallbladder patient and he started drinking again.
Kettle's boiled there, Mary.
Would somebody get that bloody kettle? I'm comforting Alice.
Her husband's good as dead.
Nothing said, "I'm too sick to go to school" like a temperature of a 100 degrees.
Oh, yes, girl, at least the alcohol would kill whatever germs he's apt for getting from that gall-less hussey.
Mom, I can't believe this.
First day of school, I'm sick.
He's faking! He had his head over the kettle! See? This type of scrutiny is exactly why I don't share how I'm feeling with you people.
Sweet Jesus.
Tony Walsh died.
Some sort of prick he was.
Still, can't wait for that wake.
Hey, Mark, if you're home sick, come with me spread a few germs around.
See if you can't take down a few more of the bastards.
Which funeral home? Carmel's.
Ah.
Better sandwiches at Caul's.
Hey, how come he gets to stay at home and go to awake? - He's faking sick.
- Hold on, dear.
Nobody is going to a wake.
Now, Mark, honey, I know you're nervous about going to school.
I know you're worried about getting picked on and beaten up and made fun of Wow, you really know how to cheer a guy up.
But you don't need to be.
I mean, sure those things will happen, but it's how you respond that matters.
You just be yourself.
Jeez, don't do that.
Yes, don't do anything harsh, now.
People can tell when you're trying to be some'n you're not.
Now, everyone might think you're strange, but you are the sweetest boy I know.
Strange? Nervous or not, if you don't get on that bloody bus, I'm going to pick you up like a bloody baby and carry you onto it and then they're going to make fun of you even worse than they already will.
Great pep talk.
Yes, yes Heya, turn that up, your father's on.
We go now live to the scene of a traffic accident of ungodly proportions.
Here's Mike Critch with the VOCM News.
The old man had a way of spinning small town news that made the mundane seem earth-shattering.
Two moose were struck on the trans-canada highway.
The sex of the moose Has not yet been released but early reports indicate that two amorous moose were locked in combat in a show of strength in the outbound lane when a third moose, the object of their affection, looked on unamused.
Two men killed One seriously.
Mike Critch, first on the scene for the VOCM News service.
You know what hospital they went to? Was it St.
Claire's? Health sciences? I envied that dead moose.
Its suffering was over and mine was just beginning.
Go! Carry on! I'm good.
- Are you getting on? - I'll catch the next one.
There's no next one.
Mark! Hey, Mark.
Did you see the moose? Mark! These were big kids.
Some had wispy mustaches that reminded me of the fuzz on kiwis.
Keep an eye on me.
There was no going back now.
And, apparently, there was no sitting down either.
Wait a minute.
Does that kid have a kid? What are you looking at, prick? Hi.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.
My name's Mark, St.
Paul's Elementary.
Class of '86.
That's for making us come all the way out here to get you.
Who the hell was out there on the highway? Was that your dad? Why is he so old? Him? I don't know that guy.
First day of school in the capital city.
Now, Mike, that was your boy getting on that school bus there, wasn't it? Yes, dick, I'd like to send a bouquet out to my son, Mark, on his first day at St.
Bridget's school.
Mark, I know you're scared, son, but I'm sure you're making lots of good friends on the school bus.
Oh, yeah.
Him, that-that's my dad.
That's my lunch.
We can share if you want.
Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse Tin of drink, chips and a bun We're going to get along just fine.
I met her brothers.
Look at you, ah, poor thing.
This is gonna suck.
Bullying was her family business.
Each copper-headed thug controlled a separate grade and they all shared the same nickname.
Fox.
Ah-ha.
Fox got a boyfriend.
Shut up! He's not my boyfriend.
Oh, she's getting mad.
Fox was the only girl, but when it came to bullying, she wanted to smash the glass ceiling And use my head to break it.
Fox! Fox! Fox! Fox! Fox! Fox! Local authorities have asked me to announce they're having a raffle on 800 pounds of moose meat.
Welcome back, students.
Make your way to class in an orderly fashion.
And would Tommy Dunphy report to the vice principal's office.
Settle down, children.
Quickly.
Good morning, class.
We have some new students joining us today.
Mark and Ritchie, stand up.
Ritchie was filipino and the only kid of colour in a school that had the sum diversity of a snowbank.
Yes, well, you may be seated.
Our principal would like to say a few words as we start our new year.
Thank you, Sister Margaret.
Who wants to play a guessing game? I smelled a trap.
I'm going to pass this envelope around the classroom.
Feel the weight of it.
The shape of it.
Guess what's inside of it.
Is it a bible, sister? Suck up.
Is it a frisbee, sister? Frisbees are round, idiot.
A dump truck.
This Is A strap.
Corporal punishment had been outlawed but nobody told the nuns.
Boys and girls who are sent to the office will receive three Straps to each hand.
Then you could come back here with your sore red hands and think about what you have done.
Well, enough fun.
Sister Margaret They're all yours.
Thank you, Sister Rose.
Very informative as always.
Children, take out your geography books.
Thanks for the chips, loser.
See you on the bus! What the hell do you have on your feet? They're orthopaedics.
I didn't think I needed orthopaedic shoes but I stand corrected.
Why aren't you wearing sneakers? Just be yourself.
I like a comfortable shoe.
I'm not a runner; I'm more of a stroller.
I have asthma, but I've always said asthma doesn't have me.
Oh, what kind of music are you guys listening to? Van Halen.
Oh, I hear he is very good.
What kind of music do you like? Ah, the dreaded, "what kind of music do you like?" question.
Well, I like all kinds of music.
Um Dean martin more than sinatra.
Well, I like early sinatra.
Not the new stuff.
- Weirdo.
- Ow! I was not made for gym class.
I was an asthmatic with fallen arches and no hand-eye coordination.
I had excellent foot-mouth coordination, though.
I'm Mr.
Byrne.
Today, we are going to use this parachute to achieve physical excellence as a team.
Where are your gym clothes? I didn't bring 'em.
It's first day.
I-I didn't think that When it comes to parachute-based sports, we are only as strong as our weakest link.
What's your name? - Mark.
- What's your name? I-I-I think he's Ritchie.
We are only as strong as Mark and Ritchie.
Parachute! I'm going to call out two names and those kids are going to switch places.
Don't pick me and Ritchie.
Don't pick me and Ritchie.
Mark and Ritchie.
Parachute! The more I tried to get out, the more I panicked.
And Ritchie was no help.
Like in prison, we got one hour a day to eat outside in the yard.
Move it loser.
No matter how badly I had it, Ritchie had it worse.
What stinks? Oh, my God, your lunch is disgusting.
What is that, dog? Gross.
Is that what they eat back in china? The Philippines.
He speaks! What'd you say? I'm not Chinese.
I'm Filipino.
The Foxes were not interested in the geographic segmentation of asian countries.
The only way to get a couple of Foxes away from their prey was with better prey.
Hey, guys.
So, Ritchie, you want to trade lunches? Hey! Hey! Um Want some? Sure.
I was not used to food that had flavor.
The foods I was raised on only had two colors: white and beige.
Everything was boiled.
You knew supper was cooked when all the windows fogged over.
That has got a kick.
Jeez, oi.
That's nuts.
What the hell is in this? Finally, a little pain and suffering that I kind of liked.
Whoo.
Were you bullied? How'd you ever guess? No offense, but I kind of figured.
You know, it's not just you, you know, I had a bully when I was about your age.
He used to grind my face into a snowbank until I begged for mercy.
And then, one day, just stopped.
What happened? He died of the spanish flu.
It was a different time.
Anyway, I'm just saying gets better and all that, that's all.
Great.
Glad I could be of help.
Oh.
How lucky can one guy be? I kissed her and she kissed me Like the fella once said Ain't that a kick in the head? The room was completely black Ah, it's not every day we get steak, but the first day of school is a very special day.
It's not steak, it's moose meat.
Oh, my God.
Don't be so foolish.
Moose, cow, it's all the same.
Moose is just a boy cow.
I'm starving.
And speaking of meat, I've been down at the funeral home all day.
Ah, they put so much makeup on poor Tony Walsh.
He looked like a parisian hooker.
Ooh.
How was school? Didn't you get the crap beaten out of you or what? Everybody saw dad with the moose.
And there's a whole family that wants to beat me up.
They made me guess what a strap was.
And I couldn't run under the parachute because of my dumb shoes.
And they made fun of me 'cause I don't like Van Halen and a girl took my lunch.
So, I had to share chinese food from the Philippines with my friend, Ritchie.
Oh, you made a friend.
Oh, that's nice.
I told you, just be yourself.
Mm! Got a little piece of windshield there.
Ain't that a hole in a boat? Here.
- What's this - Shut up.
Just take it.
- But why - Shut up.
There's a Fox at my school too.
Just don't let them push you around.
Don't be such a wuss.
Hm.
Let's have seven.
I didn't mind being the remote because in our house, - comedy was king.
- I'll take five.
Wayne and Schuster, Bob Hope, Don Rickles Give me nine.
I loved to see the old man laugh.
Frank was great.
A little booze.
We used to drink.
- You don't drink anymore? - Not much.
laughs when you drink.
In New York, when you saw me at the Copa Their laughter made me realize something.
There's more than one way to skin a Fox.
You know I never I never seen you look so good You never act the way you should But I like it And I know You like it too The way that What are you listening to, dick, Anne Murray? Oh, give it.
Get your own walkman.
Oh, that's right, you can't 'cause you live in welfare housing.
Your family is so poor, you take the trash in.
Why just be yourself when you can be Don Rickles? Fox is so poor that I was at the park the other day and the ducks were feeding her.
You know the difference between Fox's dad and a large pizza? A large pizza can feed a family of six.
No wonder Fox was a bully.
Bullying felt great.
Hey, did you see that? It's not her fault her family's poor.
But she's a bully.
I know, but that doesn't make it right.
So how did our Lord served five thousands with just five loaves and two fishes? With math.
Copy these equations.
I had never been sent a note in my life.
But who was it from? Who is that note for? - Me, Sister.
- Don't be silly.
That is a girl's handwriting.
I-It could be for me.
I mean, it's plausible.
Very well, if you won't tell me who the note is for, then I'll give you a note and you'll go to the office and you'll get the strap.
And, Fox, if you think it's so funny, why don't you accompany Mr.
Critch? Sir, this is all my fault.
That's sweet, but you're obviously not involved.
You just got to give it time, let the kids work themselves out.
- Now go.
- Yes, sir.
Don't tell sister I didn't strap ya'.
She'll have my nuts.
And don't tell her I said nuts.
Fox.
This is early in the year even from one of your crowd.
But I never did I don't want to hear it, I'm sick of it.
I got blisters from strapping you people.
Now get in here.
Hold your hand.
I'm so sorry.
When my brothers find out, they're going to kick the livin' Here.
Take it.
I don't need it.
I'm more of a vinyl guy anyway.
I'm just really, really sorry.
Okay? I'm not your friend.
I know.
- Oh, my God.
- Ow! I'm taking your walkman, dick.
Sorry, just the way things are.
But thanks.
It's okay.
I deserve it.
Yeah.
Ow! Way to go, sis! Yeah! Yeah, right.
Punches for lunches.
Yeah! I think she likes you.
I don't see it.
Want to get a Mr.
Freezie? My treat.
Sure, that'd be nice.
All of my life I had felt alone, but now, at least, I had someone to be alone with.